The legend of the BE-SFs
Sep 17, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Logo by Chris
How, you might’ve asked yourself, how did the name “Baby Eating-Sister Fuckers” come to be? Well, it all started with this little video by Steph.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve thought it a million times: this video is the reason the Internet exists. Period.
Ladies, gentlemen, and the functionally illiterate: Baby Eating-Sister Fuckers!
Dear meth-laden BE-SF fans*: A love note from bfd
Aug 19, 2008 Broken Record, Bud Adams is evil, Logo by Chris, Suck it bitchez, What the fuck?
Earl Campbell? Really?
When Earl chose Houston to call his home, he knew no one man could do it alone.
That, if you don’t know, is a lyric from “Big Bad Earl” by Tom Cantrell. But if you are an average BE-SF fan or a complete dumbass like August West, aka cumsucker, you wouldn’t know that, would you? And why would you not know that?
Because Earl Campbell never played a game in that back-assed state. That’s why. How is this concept even remotely confusing?
Sure, we can blame the makers of the poll for this error the same way we can blame your 6th grade English teacher because you still think it’s spelled “kat,” but that misses the point, doesn’t it? You morons simply don’t understand that the Oilers aren’t your team. It never was, and it never will be.
And contrary to Tom’s argument, there is plenty of justification to be pissed. Bud Adams did his best to alienate the city of Houston at every opportunity. That fucker’s only interest is self-interest, and he hated that Bum Phillips and Earl Campbell and the waiter at Los Tios were far more popular than he was. For that prick, the goal was never to win, but to make as many shiny dimes as possible. As far as I’m concerned, Bud Adams is a perfect fit for you people: you can have him, but you cannot have the Oilers.
After all, how many of you actually cheered for the team? How many of you invested every NFL Sunday rooting for them? And how many of you actually *WATCHED EARL CAMPBELL PLAY?* None? Or is it less?
I will end with, fuck you to all who voted for somebody other than Steve McNair or Eddie George. To those who did vote for those guys? Thank you for actually paying attention.
Again, I say to anybody who rooted for the Oilers while they were in Houston and followed that “loyalty” to TN: you are a fucking idiot of epic, titanic proportions.
Yours in Durga,
bfd
* Excludes Tman and NTT, both of whom I actually like and enjoy reading what they have to say, even if I disagree.
Urge to kill…rising.
Aug 19, 2008 Anger, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fuck, His name is Earl, Logo by Chris, Righteous Indignation, Teams that aren't the Texans
In a move that is likely to make stacy’s head explode, BE-SF fans voted Earl Campbell their greatest player ever.
Now, say what you will about how they kept the Oilers name/records/etc. Once you CHANGE NAMES in a NEW STATE, all bets are off as far as holding on to the past. You can keep the Oilers as part of your franchise timeline, but you CANNOT lump Earl in as the greatest Titan ever…BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER A TITAN. To claim otherwise makes you an absolute fuckrag. No one likes a fuckrag, man.
To those who will say “but it was for the greatest Oiler/Titan ever,” I call bullshit. The team (or, more accurately, it’s sodomite owner) wanted out of Houston. Fine. And, honestly, had they remained the Oilers this whole time, even the choosing of Earl Campbell would be justified, if slightly dirty. But they didn’t. They shitcanned the city of Houston, then punted the team name a short time later—basically, they started fresh without having to waste years as an expansion team. And, in doing so, they offended 95% of the Oilers fanbase.
Was Earl Campbell the greatest Oiler ever? Of course. Was he the greatest player ever owned by Bud Adams? Of course. Did he have a single goddamned thing to do with the state of Tennessee or the Titans? Nope. And I bet he’s happy about that.
Besides, to hear some of you BE-SF fans tell it, shouldn’t Vince Young have won this vote hands down?
Kickoff
Jul 14, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Inanity, Kickoff
Secret Santa Says You Suck. I’m not going to lie—if I received this as a present, I would assume that the giver of said gift thought I was a total flop at life, that I wasn’t worth the money my job paid me, and/or that I am injury prone. (Seriously, though, the inclusion of Corey Bradford is a nice touch that screams “when we made this, we couldn’t name a third Texan off the top of our collective heads.”) (h/t Eric)
“plays [them] close” = gimme? WTF? I was going to do a big post about this piece and its line about the Texans, but then I realized my entire post boiled down to a simple message: Fuck you, Jason McIntyre. Stick to writing bullshit gossip pieces and leave the analysis to people who actually watch sports. Alternatively, die in a fire.
Bud Adams as Chet is brilliant. Hilarious thread over at TT.com (complete with some whiny BESF fans chiming in) doing [Random Titan] looks like _________. My favorite so far is the Collins as Lumbergh. (h/t Eric)
Addressing Lee’s concerns
Jul 10, 2008 Bud Adams is evil, Fuck the Cowboys, God hates ugly, Vince Young can't read this post
Lee:
And there are two things I don’t get as a Texans fan. 1. Why should I hate the Cowboys? We don’t play them, the Oilers didn’t play them (yes I know it occasionally happens). They aren’t in our conference and are a Texas team. 2. Why do I have to hate VY? He’s the greatest college football player of all time. And he wanted to be a Texan.
These are great, valid questions. Allow me to give them a shot.
Why should I hate the Cowboys? We don’t play them, the Oilers didn’t play them (yes I know it occasionally happens). They aren’t in our conference and are a Texas team.
It’s more than just the wank-infested Governor’s Cup. Oh yes, it’s much deeper.
First of all, any team that appoints itself “America’s Team” deserves constant ridicule. Secondly, they are a team of felons, capable only of child rape and snorting the sidelines. Next, it’s the arrogance of their fans. Here’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard on a sports talk show: “If the Cowboy’s don’t win the Super Bowl, you can slap a tortilla on my head and call me papa.” If that doesn’t deserve scorn, I really don’t know what does.
Finally, this is where it gets personal. Before the Cowboys moved camp to Austin, Austin was an Oiler town. Deeply. It wasn’t even close. When those pricks moved here, you suddenly saw Cowfucker shit everywhere. It was like rats and the plague covered in blue and silver. Not only that, they were so fair-weathered, none of them could’ve named a player outside of Troy-boy. It was horrible.
As for VY? I have only one thing to say about that:
It’s not VY’s fault. In fact, I feel sorry for the poor guy. I love VY with all my heart…before he was drafted by the asshole pictured above. But anybody, no exceptions, who plays for Satan’s tutor, deserves nothing less than my complete and total hatred and scorn.
Personally, rooting for/against VY? Negotiable. Hating the BE-SFs? Not. Hating the Cowfuckers? Not. There are few things I am emotional about, but you’ve hit on….well, probably both of them right here.
(For the record, if you can find one football-lovin’ Houstonian who wouldn’t kick Satan’s tutor in the nutz [older than 35], I’ll give you a dollar. He’s easily the most despised person I’ve ever seen.)
HTH,
bf-motherfucking-d
PS: Consider this an “Open Hate Thread.”
Kickoff
Jun 13, 2008 2008 Season, Adimchinobe Echemandu is fun to say, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bloggerating, Bud Adams is evil, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Kickoff, National Media, Non-Texan stuff
How NOT to blog. From–surprise!–a Baby-eating Sisterfuckers’ fan blog comes a fantastic example of why old media thinks blogs are a ridiculous exercise. Sweeping generalizations about other teams? Check. A pollyanna-esque assumption that all the players on your team will be healthy and uber-productive? Check. A conclusion that does not follow logically from anything you have written? Check.
Know thy enemy. Petey Faggins turns 29 today, making him the worst 29-year-old CB in the league and opening the door for someone else to claim the title of Worst 28-year-old CB. Congrats! (He also allows me to link to one of my favorite posts. Woot!)
Um…what? Article from RealFootball365, suggesting that we should sign LaMont Jordan because our RB roster is currently Ahman Green, Vonta Leach, Admichinobi Echemandu, and Samkon Gado. Way to research your premises, guys. Fo’ real.
That’s about it…not much Texans news floating around the ether today. Hopefully, I’ll be back with something later today. No promises, though.
OTA Transactions
May 22, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Inflamed body parts, Ron Dayne likes pie
Yes, this post is the height of laziness, so just bite me. Consider this post link free!*
The Texans made a couple of moves today, though they are about as Earth-shattering as the time I went to that all-guys shirtless party and met this wonderful lad named…..
Oops.
Sadly, the Texans won’t have a psychotic killing doll on the team as Chukky Okobi was placed on IR. This is his age 30 season, which means it’s doubtful he ever returns, which is kinda sad. Chukky was a fine prospect until his neck injury, and I would’ve loved to see his hard-nosed style lead the offensive line.
We signed Tim Carter! WHEE!!!! The WR is fast as hell, but he couldn’t catch a cold and would probably wind up on the IR if he did. I admit to having a bit of that Al Davis/speed infatuation in me, and here’s another case where I was really fucking wrong. Oh well. Carter won’t last long.
What I most want to mention is that the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers are bringing in Ron “If you cut me, do I not bleed custard?” Dayne for a little talkie talkie. In my harsh opinion, bringing Dayne back into the fold as a RB would have been an epic fail on the part of the Texans. At 452 pounds, Dayne should at least know to fall forward, but he couldn’t. I thank him for his time and effort, but he was done a couple of years ago.
In response to this news, every “House of Pies” in Houston is flying their flag at half-mast, though many kitchen workers are happy for the break.
* Source: the absolutely indispensable rotoworld.com
More draft babbling: Cruising the hair-osphere
Apr 28, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Bud Adams is evil, Fluff, I really dig my readers, I'm not a doctor, Inanity, Mel Kiper's Hair
I’m feeling a little sappy tonight, so bear with me. First, a shout out to Liston and hope he’s doing well (and toast should always be eaten above the head, when possible). I’d take Liston over about 99% of professional comedy writers. Secondly, total thanks to Eric for doing the leg work on this post.
We’re now a couple of days post-draft hangover (a vicious Zima hangover, if you’re Tim). I’ve already given my take on the draft, so let’s take a tour around the rest of the delightful internetz and get some opinions from the “experts’ on how the Texans performed (and, by “opinions,” remember that if they don’t match ours, they are wrong. Of course.).
Let’s start with the scorched earth version of Emily Post, Texans blogger Steph Stradley. With her harsh, septic take on life, you knew there was no way she could be complimentary of the Texans. She proved this by giving a completely unfair B/incomplete. Perhaps, one day, she will come to embrace life. For now, I just hope Kubiak wasn’t within back-hand distance when Duane Brown’s name was called (You know, after re-reading this paragraph, I think I’m a little bitter about not being invited to this. Steph, this situation at least calls for some in-depth probing. And I promise: it won’t take long at all.).
Dr. Z is one of the few mass media types I enjoy because he’s not afraid to get technical with his audience (why, yes, I adore Ron Jaworski). This is what he said:
Houston Texans: So their venture into the O-line arena in the first round nets them a finesse guy, Duane Brown, after they traded down eight places. What I’ve always felt about this team is that linemen should be brought in by the truckload, not on little tippy toes.
The grammar channeling of a Chron writer aside, I think he sums up well some of my concerns about Brown. He didn’t give a grade, per se, but it wouldn’t be too pretty.
The hair-opshere reference? Oh yeah, that’s gotta be all about Mel Kiper. He gave us one of the worst grades, a “C”, but I don’t fully understand why from his write-up. Fortunately, Kiper has reached the point of that aunt of yours who knows every-little-fucking-thing in the world, but she earns minimum wage at the local car dealership answering phones. Or is that just my family?
ProFootballWeekly doesn’t hand out grades but seriously echoes of Dr. Z with their write-up. Personally, I think it’s a fair summary of our draft.
Jason Cole at Yahoo! Sports gives us a B, but he adds something I hadn’t seen before:
Okam, a former defensive tackle, is likely to shift to guard, a clever move by teams that realize that non-athletic DTs can make for cheap, athletic G’s.
I argue the part about Okam not being athletic, but this is a really interesting take. Evidently, Okam scored a 39 on the Wonderlic. which just kinda verifies what we already knew: he’s a smart MF. I’m not buying the G angle, but it’s something to consider. Props to Cole.
Finally, Gregg Rosenthal and Evan Silva at nbcsports.com give us a B-. They did give the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers a D+, so I think they put some thought behind it.
So, what can we learn from all these grades? Well, nothing. This exercise reminds me of some advice my father never gave me: opinions are like assholes, and yours stinks.
If there is a takeaway from this grade-wankery, it’s that there isn’t a ton of deviation between opinions. Duane Brown was a stretch and he’s a project. We got some bargains at the end of the draft. BFD + cheerleaders = more complimentary write ups. No surprises once you think about it.
Let me end on this. Mike Florio at PFT has a write-up about Kyle Shanahan and Reggie Bush. Now, aside from this sentence of stupidity:
So, basically, Shanahan thinks Bush is a third-down type player. Which is an accurate assessment of him now.
No. I call bullshit. I don’t know many people who actually thought he would be more than that. And the insinuation that Shanahan had anything to do with this pick, which is asinine beyond belief in the context of the 2006 draft, is just silly.
But the rest? Basically, even though we all know that Shanahan is Chris Simms’ bitch, I have a little place in my heart for him.
Edit: Completely remiss if I don’t add this must-read article by SOLIS on Super Steve Slaton.
Bud Adams > Satan, and goodbye, wifebeater!
Apr 6, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Fuck the Cowboys, Jerome Mathis got hurt reading this, Secondary issues are primary
Bud Adams and the rest of the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers are flipping us the bird once again, celebrating the 10 year anniversary of the team in Nashville. So, when we play them twice this year, we need not only put up with Little Dickie Justice’s incessant Vince Young cock-slobbering but also with that new Babyeating-Sisterfuckers logo.
Bud? Satan is eagerly awaiting your arrival. Between throwing tornadoes at Arkansas, the bullshit in the Middle East, and the reunion of New Kids on the Block*, poor Satan is running out of ideas. Asshole.
Finally, some good news. Pit bull afficionado and unaccomplished wifebeater Jerome Mathis signed with the Washington Politically Incorrect Redskins. To that I say, good riddance to bad garbage: you and Daniel Snyder are a whiny match made in Heaven.
Oh, what’s that? I’m a stinkin’ hypocrite because I’m the same guy that wants to trade for Pacman Jones? Well, you are partially right. To me, the difference is that Mr. Glass had his toughness and commitment to the team questioned continuously, while Pacman is considered a hard-worker and good teammate.
Here’s hoping everybody has a tornado free weekend!
* Is it me, or do you think Little Dickie Justice, age 12, sprouted wood the moment he heard about the reunion?
You should be dancing, yeah!
Mar 28, 2008 Awesomeness, Bud Adams is evil, Dancing With the 'Tards, Fight Songs, I really dig my readers
What can I say? I love my peeps. Read this blog? You are my peeps.
To show my love, I could either give you a special leg hug a la DiehardChris, but I reserve that touch for my wife (and the Texans Twins, natch). Or, I could give you something of incredible rarity and value, all for the super special low price of….free!
That’s right, my peeps, I present you with old Houston Oilers songs. Now, the quality is teh suck, for which I apologize. I acquired all of these 45s in person at Oilers games in the 70s and 80s, and I still have the records. I used a 1960s record player to rip these to mp3, though I am working on borrowing some updated equipment to re-rip, but it might be some time (and I’ll rip them to flac).
I love my readers.
Enjoy!
Oiler Cannonball - Carl Mauck
I’m Sorry Blue - Debbie Reeves
Super Bowl Itch - Kenny Burroughs
Big Bad Earl - Tom Cantrell
and, of course, Houston Oilers #1 - Lee Ofman
Also, since I know that the Chron will be here shortly to steal these and post them there, taking full credit: you suck, and your entire operation sucks. Fuck you.
{Hugs},
bfd
PS: Though the site isn’t fully ready for prime time just yet, several old Houston Astros rips will be posted to our new baseball site Warning Track Power. We’ll have an official announcement a bit later about this new endeavor.
Things I hate
Mar 10, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Dunta Robinson
I hate “spring ahead.” I am so freaking tired this morning.
I hate my “real” job. It keeps me from posting on blogs and stuff. Dammit.
I hate Bud Adams. I mean, I really fucking hate Bud Adams. Jake Scott signed with the Tennessee Babyeating-Sisterfuckers.
On a happier note, Dunta is feeling good about things (h/t to Eric for the link). But, let me caution: the worst person to speculate about their return is the player. It’s great to be positive and everything, but look how cautious the trainer, Tom Colt, is being. Plus, we don’t know how far back Dunta will return. It’s nice to see him so positive and hopeful, at least.
Open Thread for 3/6
Mar 6, 2008 2008 Season, Bud Adams is evil, Dancing With the 'Tards, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Free Agency, Fuck the Cowboys
I’ve been either super busy (voting and studying), ill, or helping take care of my super sick daughter since my post on Tuesday, so apologies for the Cone of Silence from my end. I’ve got a horribly busy day at my bill-paying job, so I’m going to make this an open thread for all the actions going on around foosball. And here’s a couple of links to get you started.
Greg Cote of the Miami Herald believes in GLOVE POWER!!! You know, if journalists were held to any kind of intellectual standards, he’d already be looking for a new job. Alas, the best we can do is laugh and point. (h/t Eric)
If you haven’t seen this by Steph, you are a liberal fascist communist who hates America, Cuba, and Xenu.
Assorted sources: The Texans will have or have had G Jake Scott, S Chris Crocker, DE Corey Smith, and C John Wade in for visits. Crocker would compete with CC Brown at SS, but more likely he’d be a backup for the Ladies Man and CC. Smith is quick but undersized and good on special teams, but I still think we’ll be looking for a long-term answer opposite Mario in the draft. Wade would be a backup at C and possibly G. For the right price, none of the last three guys would nauseate me, though I don’t think Smith would stick on the 47-man roster.
Scott, however, is intriguing. He’s an athletic G, average build (6′5″, 295 lbs), and only 27 for the season. This is the kind of player I get excited about. The Titans are also in on him, and it’d be nice to give Bud a kick in the nutz.
Open thread for all! Now, to go shake my money-maker.
BeezleBud
Jan 16, 2008 Bad Idea Jeans, Bud Adams is evil, Curious Coaching, Desperate times call for desperate MEshawns, Fake Conversations with Real People, Jeff Fisher's Mustache, Teams that aren't the Texans
Lucifer, The Dark Lord, (nee Bud Adams): (as a booming disembodied voice) JEFFREY!!!!
Jeff Fisher: Yes, your unholy darkness?
Lucifer: DID YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE?! DID YOU THINK I WOULD SETTLE FOR SUCH A SUB-PAR PERFORMANCE?
Fisher: Well, your evilness, we did make the playoffs and we improved a game over last season.
Lucifer: HORSESHIT! DO YOU THINK I PURCHASED YOUR ETERNAL SOUL JUST TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS?!?
Fisher: It’s just…well…I think Vince might not be progressing the way we’d hoped. He might not be as good as we thought he’d be.
Lucifer: YOU SIMPLE TWAT, VINCE YOUNG IS MY GREATEST COUP! HE IS THE SON OF GOD! HE WINS!!! SOMETHING ELSE MUST BE THE CAUSE!
Fisher: What could it be, though, my lord?
Lucifer: HMM…WAIT! I KNOW! THE PROBLEM IS YOU!!!! PREPARE TO BE CAST DOWN WITH THE SODOMITES AND FORMER COWBOYS!!!
Fisher: No no no no no!!!!! Wait!!!! It’s not me!!! It’s…um…some of the staff!!! Yeah, the assistant coaches caused this!
Lucifer: WELL, THEN, FUCKING FIX IT!!!
Fisher: Yes, my malevolent master.
[20 minutes later, Fisher reaches Norm Chow by phone.]
Chow: What’s goin’ on, Jeff?
Fisher: Yeah, Norm. Umm…I needed to talk to you about something for next season.
Chow: What’s up?
Fisher: We’ve known each other a long time, Norm. A really long time. And we’ve had some success, too, right?
Chow: Uh, yeah.
Fisher: But…well…the club wants to go in a different direction with Vince’s development and…well…I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go, Norm. I really hope there’s no hard feelings.
Chow: No hard feelings? NO HARD FEELINGS?! You are throwing me under the bus, you bearded shitbag! Did that evil cocksucker Bud Adams put you up to this??
Fisher: Now, Norm, let’s no–
Chow: Don’t “now, Norm” me, asshole! You’ve submarined me at every fucking turn, yet I keep making lemonade out of the shit-covered fruit you give me each year. I wanted Matt Leinart, but noooooo, someone had to give mustache rides to Captain Interception. Nine TDs?!? Nine fucking TDs against seventeen interceptions?!?!? Christ. But I didn’t complain–I just kept working with the retard, trying to teach him to read defenses and books. And when I said we should go after some real wide receivers, what did you do? You signed a Houston cast-off and tried to beg Keyshawn fucking Johnson out of retirement. Zipadeefuckingdoodah! Or how about letting my leading rusher leave and saddling me with a guy who didn’t crack 1000 yards in college and a guy who might crack 1000 pounds in the offseason?! How about that?!?
Fisher: Look, I–
Chow: You what? You didn’t have the balls to stand up to Adams because you made the mistake of selling him your soul back in Houston? Not my problem, dickface.
Fisher: I’m sorry, Norm.
Chow: Fuck you. I hope you die. (slams phone down)
Lucifer: DAMN, JEFF. THAT’S COLD.
Fisher: Wait, what??? I thought you said–
Lucifer: I SAID FIX THE PROBLEM, NOT GET RID OF THE ONE LOYAL AND TALENTED GUY ON YOUR STAFF. SHIT, IT’S NOT LIKE YOU GAVE HIM ANYTHING TO WORK WITH. EVEN I WOULDN’T HAVE DONE SOMETHING THAT LOW. AND BY PHONE, NO LESS? YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE, MAN.
