DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Kickoff - “How bad does the Rosencopter sting right now?” Edition

Oct 28, 2008 2008 Season, Boobies, Colts Shmolts, H/T Eric, Kickoff, The Schaub Experiment

First off, yes, I am aware that the spacing on the blog is all fucked right now.  No, I have no idea why.  Yes, this irritates me.  No, I don’t plan on spending a lot of time trying to fix it.  So there.

Watching the end of the game last night, I couldn’t help but think how much better I’d feel about life if we were 4-3 and the Colts were 2-5.  God, I hate the Colts.  Don’t get me wrong, I hate the Titans more, but it’s all kinds of fun watching the Colts struggle.  Mainly because their fans are such douchebags.

Anyway, on to the links.

Idiocy. John Czarnecki asks “Have you ever heard of Andre Johnson?”  (If you haven’t you are a braindead fuck who understands football like Titans fans understand indoor plumbing.)  He goes on to say how great Andre is, thus assuring his job as anchor for the 5pm broadcast of the No Fucking Shit News Network.

Hopefulness.  A blurb from the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

The Metrodome might be home to the loudest artficially manufactured noise in the NFL, but it really hasn’t been much of an advantage during the Brad Childress era. Childress is 10-9 at home, including 2-1 this season.

Repetition.  Another week, another chance to vote for a Texan for some sort of weekly honor.  And that doesn’t even count Sage RosenFAIL’s near-weekly winning of the DGDB&D Player I’d Like To Kill award.

Finally.  It’s one week until erection day.

This shit is between you, me, and Mr. Soon-To-Be-Livin’-The-Rest-Of-His-Short-Ass-Life-In-Agonizing-Pain Rapist here.

Oct 8, 2008 2008 Season, Anger, Awfulness, Colts Shmolts, Disturbing (yet accurate) Metaphors, Pulp Fiction, Rosie Rosenfels

I spent Sunday nursing what was either a flu bug, the mother of all hangovers, or a combination of the two.  Which meant that I didn’t even bother to open my eyes until the alarm clock went off at 11:30 AM.  I turned to the appropriate Sunday Ticket channel just in time to see Sage Rosenfels warming up spliced with shots of Matt Schaub standing on the sideline, looking dejected.

“The fuck?” I thought.  Thankfully, a Gumbel was on hand to tell me that, yes, Sage was starting because Matt was battling an “intestinal infection,” which we all know is a euphemism for “the shits.”  (As an aside, is there a better excuse for skipping work than “I have diarrhea?”  It’s common enough that no one doubts you and it’s vile enough that no one wants details or even wants you to come to work.  But I digress.)

You know the story by now, of course.  The Colts scored early.  Then, for roughly 50 minutes of game time, we dominated the dogshit out of them.  Judging by the Colts’ collective reactions on the sidelines, they were a ball-gagged Marsellus Wallace and we were Zed.  Hell, if you listened carefully, you could actually hear The Revels’ “Comanche” playing in the background as Super Steve Slaton notched his second TD of the day.

Little did we know that the role of Butch Coolidge was to be played by none other than Sage fucking Rosenfels.

Lest ye think I am torturing this metaphor a little too much, consider:

**Butch gets free, knocks out the gimp, and things begin unraveling for Zed even though he has no idea at the time.  This is right when Sage gets free and starts pointing out blocks as if he were Steve Young.

**Butch decides against saving himself and, instead, picks a weapon to go rescue Marsellus.  This is Sage forgoing the “save yourself” route of sliding and, instead, going into helicopter mode.  (Bonus metaphor goodness:  Butch used a sword, Helicopters have blades!  Yay, me!)

**Butch goes into the rape-a-torium, surprises Maynard, and kills him.  You immediately see abject fear in Zed’s eyes.  Obviously, this is Sage’s fumble and Gary Brackett’s return.  The fear in Zed’s eyes was mirrored on the Texans’ sideline as well as on the face of every Texans fan.

**Butch taunts Zed with the sword, daring him to reach for his pistol and looking for an opening to kill him.  On the Texans’ next possession, Sage rolls to his left again, dangling the ball in his right hand and gesticulating wildly with his left.

**Marsellus tells Butch to step aside, racks the shotgun in slow motion.  Sage is tracked down from behind and has the ball stripped by Robert Mathis.

**Marsellus blows Zed’s dick off.  Manning to Reggie Wayne over the unturned head of Jacques Reeves.

**When Butch asks “what now,” while still holding a weapon, Marsellus replies: “What now? Let me tell you what now. I’ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin’ niggers who’ll go to work on the holmes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin’, hillbilly boy!? I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’ma get medieval on your ass.”  Sage asks what now, throws a final INT, and leaves us to be tortured with the football equivalent of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch—the victory kneel-down in a close game.

And there ya have it.

I’m not totally sure what the lesson is in all of this, since Butch gets away and gets a new motorcycle chopper out of the deal, but I know this:  If Matt Schaub had played the role of Butch, we probably don’t get our collective dick blown off.  I’m just sayin’.

2007 Predictions Revisited; 2008 Predictions Revealed

Sep 2, 2008 2008 Season, Colts Shmolts, Cooper Manning gently weeps, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, San Diego will miss the playoffs because Rivers is a do, Teams that aren't the Texans

If you’ve been paying attention, you’ve surely noticed that bfd and I have yet to do any predictions regarding the upcoming NFL season.  The reason?  Well, we are lazy.  Beyond that, however, we also wanted to wait as long as possible to see how some stuff shook out in camps and whatnot.

Before I get into my prognosticatin’, however, I thought I would take a look back at my season-long predictions from last year, both good (my weekly picks) and bad (my preseason picks).  Last things first, here were my NFL predictions for 2007:

Thursday night’s game was all well and good in that it was real football that mattered beginning to end. Football is back, yada yada yada. However, for all of us not living in Indianapolis (thankfully) or New Orleans, there is one day left until we kick off the season for real.

For fans of the Juggernaut, of course, tomorrow’s game against the Chiefs is full of storylines. Will Schaub keep making us forget about Zoolander? Is Ahman Green as much of an upgrade as we think? Are the Chiefs going to be worse than the Raiders this year? [Author's note: The answer to all of those questions is "yes."]

Now, I am on record as counting this game as one of our nine wins. I still believe that and, other than laughing about the Chiefs failures to win a playoff game since Bill Clinton’s first year in office, I have little to add.

I do think, however, that this is as good a place as any to throw out the official DGDB&D 2007 Predictions. Let’s rock. (# denotes first round bye, * denotes wild card)

AFC East
New England #
New York
Buffalo
Miami

AFC South
Indianapolis #
Jacksonville *
Houston (9-7)
Tennessee

AFC West
San Diego
Denver
Oakland
Kansas City

AFC North
Baltimore
Pittsburgh*
Cincinnati
Cleveland

NFC East
Philadelphia
Washington
Dallas
New York

NFC South
Carolina #
New Orleans*
Atlanta
Tampa Bay

NFC West
Seattle #
St. Louis*
San Francisco
Arizona

NFC North
Chicago
Green Bay
Detroit
Minnesota

AFC Championship Game
San Diego def. New England

NFC Championship Game
Seattle def. Carolina

Super Bowl
San Diego def. Seattle

Wow.  Those are–what’s the word?  BAD.  Yeah, that’s it.  Did I really have Chicago winning the North over Green Bay?  Was I high or something?  Christ.

NOW, when I was allowed to pick week-by-week, thereby incorporating what we knew about teams as the year went forward, I did much better.  I went 156-91 in the regular season and 8-3 in the playoffs.  I rocked shit.  (Let this be fair warning to the rest of you taking part in Chris’s Pick’em League, bitches.)

With all that out of the way, let’s get into the 2008 season.  Like last year, I am predicting order of finish, but not records, because I hate it when people predict overall records without checking to see if they are logistically possible based on the matchups.

Also, one last side note before I start.  Another pet peeve of mine is writers and other experts who pick the same teams to win the divisions as last season and pick nearly all the same playoff teams.  The former has never happened in the current setup and the historical rate of playoff team turnover is about 50%.  So, off the bat, I’m tabbing Jacksonville, Tennessee, San Diego, Washington, Tampa Bay, and Green Bay as the teams from last year who won’t get in this year.

AFC North
Cleveland
Pittsburgh*
Baltimore
Cincinnati

AFC East
New England
Buffalo*
New York
Miami

AFC South
Indianapolis
Houston (9-7)
Jacksonville (Yes, I still have a post forthcoming explaining this.  Damn you, stop pressuring me!)
Tennessee (6-10)

AFC West
Denver
San Diego
Kansas City
Oakland

NFC North
Minnesota
Detroit
Green Bay
Chicago

NFC East
Philadelphia
Dallas*
New York*
Washington

NFC South
New Orleans
Carolina
Tampa Bay
Atlanta (on the clock)

NFC West
Seattle
St. Louis
San Francisco
Arizona

AFC Championship Game
Indianapolis over Cleveland

NFC Championship Game
Philadelphia over Seattle

Super Bowl
Philadelphia over Indianapolis

So, there you have it.  Now, if these are anything like last year’s, they’ll be moot by week 3.

A Tuesday Afternoon Link Dump Because I Am Far Too Lazy To Write A Real Post

Aug 19, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Colts Shmolts, Inanity, Inflamed body parts, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong

(Many of these links are courtesy of Eric.  I leave it to you to figure out which ones.)

Variations on a theme.  There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, there’s transcendent comedy, and then there’s a thread BE-SF fans trying to decide if Vince Young might just not be quite as good as they think.  My favorite line from the thread: “Anybody that has the chance to have Young close at practices…please tell him that is time to wake up from the Lhorns dreamy land goal got…and get this working as soon as possible… ” I’m not totally sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure it’s not good.

Yikes.  Keith Weiland with a grim reminder of our failings in signing free agents.  There’s not much to say other than “GUH.”

David Anderson.  ‘Nuff said.

This is good news. Remember back right after Manning had the bursa sack removed when his supporters (douchebags, the lot of ‘em) were laughing about the rest of us speculating that Manning might miss regular season games?  “Morons!  Scaredy bitches!  Of course he will be back!  He’ll be ready to kick your ass Week 1!”  Well, it seems like things aren’t quite so certain at this point.  He “hopes” to be ready.  They think he’s on schedule.  There is talk that he might practice next week…or maybe not…who knows?  My own guess: He misses week 1, then struggles to shake some rust off in weeks 2-4.  And then we beat the Colts.  There, I said it.

Kickoff

Jun 16, 2008 Book Review, Colts Shmolts, Colvin, I really dig my readers, Kickoff, Vacation-related posts

Seeing the world through Rosy-colored glasses.  Via reader Charlie, we get the breaking news that Rosevelt Colvin is going to sign with the Texans. I plan on doing a bigger post about him and, more importantly, the impact of this signing on our 4-3 later, but I wanted to mention it here as well as point to this post over at Stampede Blue. Suck it, BBS. (Seriously, Greenwood “stinks?”  Do you watch football?)

If the Queen had balls, she’d be the King. Via Eric, a WhatIfSports breakdown of the AFC South.  Guess who they have in last, with a record of 6-10.  Now guess which blogger thinks the person who wrote said article is a cockrag.  That’s right.

Nerd. Recently, the Texans launched ImATexan.com, which is like myspace for Texans fans.  Which, yes, is as awful and lame as it sounds.  Judging from the comments around there, though, I’ve got to give the fans a little credit–they are true believers.  ”I know we’ll win the division this year… 12-4…” “10-6 at the very least.”

Me reed? Finally, just like last year, I return from vacation with a couple book recommendations.  First, for the real dorks in the crowd (read: all you engineering fellows), I present Bad Astronomy.  The author also runs badastronomy.com, and just like at the website, his book breaks down the myths and just plain stupid shit that people believe when it comes to Earth and sky.  Very informative.  Second, I know I am years late on this one, but When Pride Still Mattered is a fantastic book and one every football fan should read.

Finally

Feb 3, 2008 2007 Season, Colts Shmolts, Free Agency, Houston Chronicle, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Tempting Fate, Up yours 1972 Dolphins

Over the last two weeks, there have been roughly 15,163,167 maudlin stories written about how “after the Super Bowl, we enter the long, dark winter of the offseason.” Said stories almost always talk about how great football season is (which is true), how any weekend with football is infinitely greater than any weekend without (which is arguably, usually true), and how the Super Bowl is the culmination of that greatness (which is a complete fucking lie unless your favorite team happens to be in it).

Don’t get me wrong–I love the Super Bowl. But not for those reasons. I love the Super Bowl because it is a social event where people who would never even watch an NFL game come together with those of us who watch way too much to drink, shoot the shit, laugh at commercials, and eat copious amounts of food. (In fact, the reason I am awake right now, at 4:30 AM on a Sunday was because I had to get the smoker started so the pork will be ready for kickoff.) More than THAT, however, I love the Super Bowl because it is the end of the bullshit.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find shit to write about your team in the two weeks of Super Bowlgasm? Pretty fucking hard. Like “teaching in Port Arthur without a bulletproof vest” hard. Hell, even Chron.com is overrun with stories about the Pats and Giants and the gap in Mike Strahan’s teeth. For these two weeks–or more, depending on your team–there has been little to no coverage of anything that wasn’t Super Bowl related. This makes sense, I guess, but it still blows.

But, come the end of tonight’s game, all that is over. We can finally get down to brass tacks when it comes to free agents and the draft. After the Super Bowl, we start getting 40-times and workout monsters. We get overpriced free agents and incentive-laden one year deals. In short, we get everything that matters to anyone who didn’t watch his favorite team today. The end of the season is nothing to bemoan, people. It’s something to look forward to with great anticipation. Because the end of the Super Bowl means the real beginning of he 2008 season.

Last Fortnight: 1-1

Regular Season Record: 156-91

Playoff Record: 8-2

Super Bowl Pick

New York Giants v. New England. Brady’s foot. Plaxico’s mouth. Moss‘ pimphand. Belichick’s hoodie. Coughlin’s ineptitude. Tiki’s vagina. Does that about cover every tired story or did I miss one? Like everyone else, had there not been the two-week layoff between the title games and today, I might have tried to convince myself into taking the Giants. That defense–especially the front four–has been playing out of their collective tits for weeks now. Plus, Eli seems to have made the “leap” from punchline to potential star.

Thankfully, the fourteen-day rest gave me time to come to my fucking senses. First, Eli is still a Manning, right? The only reason Peyton was even IN the Super Bowl last year is because Reche Caldwell sucks at historical levels. Manning did his damnedest to give that game back, but he couldn’t overcome Ol’ Bugeyes’ complete inability to catch TD passes. Second, Tom Brady is NOT a Manning. Instead, he’s apparently a golden god who gets to live the life every one of us pretended to be living when we created players in Madden. “Yeah, I’m the QB. I date Super Models. I’ve won a bunch of Super Bowls. Everyone wants to be me. I’m kind of a big deal.”

But the main reason I can’t pick NY? Tom Coughlin. It’s not that he sucks in a vacuum, though he does. It’s that he is woefully less talented than Belichick. This matchup, with this layoff, is like giving Stephen Hawking and Corky Thatcher two weeks and telling them “OK, now give me a mathematical model of a black hole and explain how it relates to dark matter.” I have few rules in life, but one of them is this–always bet against a retard. Pick: New England

Update: Or not.

Gettin’ drunk

Jan 18, 2008 2007 Season, Bloggerating, Boobies, Colts Shmolts, Dancing With the 'Tards, Inanity, Overexposure, T-shirts, Teams that aren't the Texans

Five announcements before we get to this weekend’s picks:

1. DGDB&D is pleased to announce the addition of bigfatdrunk as a contributing author. I have no idea how much he will post and I will let him handle any sort of introduction he might want to do, but rest assured that this addition was done solely to keep this place from becoming too highbrow. Not that we were really in danger of it.

2. Speaking of how not-highbrow we are, according to two different sources today, it seems that this little corner of the blogosphere is being blocked by some corporate firewalls as “pornographic content.” This blog may be many things, but I think we can all agree that it is not being overrun with naked people fucking. Even former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart would not look at this site and say it was hard-core obscenity. Asinine, perhaps, but not porn.

3. Reminder: Richard Justice t-shirt contest is ongoing. Just under two weeks left to get your entries in. I would link to the other entries here, but I am lazy.

4. After checking some of the referral links and some emails and stuff, by my count, there are five females who regularly read this place. I am not sure if this is surprisingly high or surprisingly low. Either way, welcome.

5. Maybe I am crazy, but if the Colts are going so far as to say who “will be” the coach “if” Dungy retires, I’m guessing we won’t see Tony pontificating on the sidelines next year.

On to the picks…

Last Week: 3-1

Regular Season Record: 156-91

Playoff Record: 7-1

Playoffs Week 3 Picks:

San Diego @ New England. San Diego in the Super Bowl has about 1/1000th the attraction to anyone outside of Southern California, regardless of your stance on the Patriots. Even if you hate them, you’d much rather see them lose the Super Bowl and go 18-1 than go 17-1, right? And, if we get that Patriots/Packers matchup on Feb. 3, I don’t think it is a stretch to say it will break every conceivable sports television record. Pick: New England

New York @ Green Bay. I’m not saying that the powers-that-be want the Packers to win, but when you are scheduling a mid-January playoff game at Lambeau and you set the start time for 6PM EST, you are making some kind of statement. The wind chill at kickoff is expected to be somewhere around absolute zero and Brett Favre’s below-freezing home record is something like 562-1, so I really, really have a hard time believing Green Bay won’t win this game. I do, however, think there’s a fairly good chance that someone shatters upon impact like the T-1000. Pick: Green Bay

Bein’ wrong never felt so right

Jan 13, 2008 Awesomeness, Colts Shmolts, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong

My first incorrect playoff pick and I am actually pretty happy about it.

God, I loathe Peyton Manning. I blame Reche Caldwell for causing people to forget Manning’s decade of chokerating.

I’m goin’ straight to Hell / Just like my mama said/ I’m goin’ straight to Hell.

Jan 9, 2008 Colts Shmolts, Fuck the Cowboys, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff

I’m not gonna lie–I am suffering from some severe writer’s block. Oh, sure, there are some small news bits I could post about. And I am still working on volume 2 of my draft opus. But I have nothing in the way of creative anything currently in the queue. I am sure something will happen soon enough that will spawn a fake conversation or ten, but for now…nada.

Before we get to the playoff picks (where, by the way, I was perfect last week), I’ll pass on this humorous anecdote that happened to a friend of mine, as relayed by him. Note: This really did happen to a friend and not to me. My anecdotes just involve dick photography.

So, a few years back, I met this chick online. Lame, I know, but fuck you, don’t judge me. Anyway, we were chatting and whatnot and she sent me a picture. Hot. Really fucking hot, actually. Even better, she was one of those chicks that says all the right shit–”yeah, I like football” and “oh, I love sex”–those sorts of things. After a few more days of emails and chats and such, we decided to meet up and go on a date. She gave me her address and asked me to pick her up.

The night of the date, I drove all the way up to College Station and parked in front of her house. I honked the horn–classy, I know–and she opened the front door. She looked exactly like the picture she’d sent me…except she had neglected to mention that she was in a goddamned wheelchair! She looked so happy rolling out of that house.

And so totally crushed when she realized I was driving away.

I laughed when he told me the story, but cringed as I was writing here. That, my friends, is the mark of a truly great anecdote.

Last Week: 4-0

Regular Season Record: 156-91

Playoff Record: 4-0

Playoffs Week 2 Picks:

Jacksonville @ New England. I’ve heard twenty different talking heads giving reasons why Jacksonville can win this game. Problem is, every one of those reasons starts with “If Jacksonville can…”. “If Jacksonville can force some turnovers. If Jacksonville can slow the game down. If Jacksonville can pressure Tom Brady. If Jacksonville plays like they did for the first 2/3 of the Pittsburgh game.” If, if, if. On the flip side, all New England has to do to have a good chance of winning is successfully get to the stadium. Pick: New England

San Diego @ Indianapolis. I’m trying to come up with a convincing argument for why San Diego can win this game. With no Antonio Gates and Philip Rivers on the road, in a dome, in a playoff game…I just can’t find one. I see a Bob Sanders INT and a Gary Brackett INT. Pick: Indianapolis

New York Giants @ Dallas. That never gets old. Pick: New York Giants

Seattle @ Green Bay. Never forget: The award for the absolute dumbest thing ever said on a football field goes to Matt Hasselbeck with his, “We want the ball, and we’re gonna score.” How’d that work out for you, fucknuts? Welcome back to Cheeseville, cheesedick. Pick: Green Bay

Look, defenseless babies!

Dec 29, 2007 2007 Season, Anger, Awfulness, Bad Juju, Colts Shmolts, Corky Johnson, Tremendous Busts

Resident rocket surgeon Travis Johnson was fined $5000 by the NFL Friday for his ridiculous late hits last Sunday. The “normal” fine for such two-foul situations is $7500, but the league ruled that the first late hit was an incorrect call. (Meaning they ignored that the entire play happened completely in Travis’ line of sight and there was no possible way he could have thought the play was still live.) They also chose to ignore the blatant helmet-to-helmet hit that Johnson delivered in between the two penalties and for which he was not flagged. Lame.

Johnson offered his own erudite opinion on the matter.

I didn’t go out there to purposely hurt anybody, I am just out there playing hard.

For the moment, I’ll take him at his word. After all, one would like to believe that no NFL player is intentionally delivering cheap shots. Johnson continued:

I was in the air when the whistle blew. You win some, and you lose some.

Wait…what? You lying sack of donkey turd! I just went back and watched the hit. Not only were you not “in the air” when it happened, you took at least one extra step toward the ball carrier after the play was obviously completed AND you lowered your head to the point that you’d have to have an IQ of about 8 to not realize you were hitting a man when he was on the ground! Besides, just like the Manning play, this one was right in front of you, yet you took two-and-a-half steps after the point where Fletcher was obviously going down. You sir, are as classless as Albert Haynesworth, but without any sort of performance that would make us swallow our pride and accept your stupidity as the price for having your stellar play.

Despite the fact that Kubes said he liked your effort and intensity, I still hold out hope that they will change the locks while you are out one day and not give you a new key. Don’t make me get my girl, Durga, on the line. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

(h/t to Texans Tail Gate for the link)

Do you have the Beatles’ White Album? Nevermind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you’re out there!

Dec 29, 2007 2007 Season, Colts Shmolts, Free Agency, Fuck the Cowboys, LT, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Teams that aren't the Texans

Give yourself 100 bonus points–redeemable for absolutely dick–if you recognized the quote without Googling it.

Last week: 11-4

Season: 146-85

Week 17 Picks

New England @ New York Giants. So, I’ve been thinking–I have been vocally in favor of the Pats going undefeated all season, just to piss off Indy fans and to shut up the decrepit old fucks from the ‘72 Dolphins. These things please me. At the same time, the idea of Bill Simmons crowing non-stop about how great this team is makes my skin crawl. My hatred for the Colts still outweighs everything here, so if push comes to shove and I have to choose, I’m backing the Pats. IF, however, the Colts lose before they play the Pats, put me firmly in the “lose, you bastard New England shitbags!” camp. Pick: New England

San Francisco @ Cleveland. Bah. Piss on you Derek Anderson. All you had to do was win and Sunday’s Colts/Titans tilt would be meaningless. I hate you for this. Pick: Cleveland

Detroit @ Green Bay. Speaking of choke jobs, how about that thrashing Chicago put on Green Bay last week? Who saw that coming? Certainly not this guy. I am hoping that it was the wake-up call the Pack needed in order to have their collective minds right when it comes time to beat the ‘girls. God, I hate the Cowboys. Fucking homos. Pick: Green Bay

New Orleans @ Chicago. If you are the Bears, are you kicking yourself more for keeping the wrong running back or for not trying to actually develop Kyle Orton over the past years? Or maybe that botched negotiation with Lance Briggs that is going to cause him to walk this offseason. Pick: New Orleans

Jacksonville @ JUGGERNAUT. What’s that old saying…dance with the fat bitch you rode in on? Something like that. Pick: Houston

Carolina @ Tampa Bay. Hello, Vegas? Yes, can put $200 on “David Carr and Jeff Garcia will go together to Georgie’s Alibi in St. Pete?” Thanks. Pick: Tampa Bay

Buffalo @ Philadelphia. This is one of those games where you can make a strong argument for either team. I’ll save you the tedium of reading that, however, and just say that I prefer wings to cheesesteaks. Oh, I also prefer long-suffering fans to insufferable pricks. (But I loved it when they cheered Michael Irvin’s injury. I am fickle like that.) Pick: Buffalo

Cincinnati @ Miami. It is an accomplishment, albeit a dubious one, when you can be the absolute least interesting game in a week of uninteresting games. Congrats, losers. Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle @ Atlanta. Unless my calculations are off, losing this game would lock Atlanta into the second spot in the draft, while a win could have them as low as fifth or sixth. Because life hates Arthur Blank, I’m going with the Falcons to win convincingly. Pick: Atlanta

Minnesota @ Denver. Strange but true fact: I grew up in a town that had a population of 72 people. Which has nothing to do with this game, but is nearly as interesting as the current Broncos team. Pick: Minnesota

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore. Baltimore’s offense is like Natalee Holloway’s killers. They have to exist, you are pretty sure you know the players involved, but no one seems to be able to find them. Now, I’m not suggesting that he did it, but…has anyone questioned Ray? Pick: Pittsburgh

Dallas @ Washington. Joe Gibbs has his best player murdered, his starting QB lost for a chunk of the year, and faulty offensive and defensive lines, and he still has his team on the brink of the playoffs? Now, either he’s the greatest coach ever or the NFC really is that much easier right now. I’m going with B. Pick: Washington

Kansas City @ New York Jets. HERM BOWL!!!! Pick: Kansas City

San Diego @ Oakland. You have to figure that LDT will play little, if at all, in this game, but will get almost all the carries in the postseason. That being the case, Michael Turner is basically getting a chance to make the last image anyone has of him prior to his free agency a positive one. If he gets close to 200 yards, that $6MM/year pricetag is going to seem awful reasonable to someone. And it’s going to have yours truly listening to the Musa Smith talk and trying to convince people that Felix Jones is really that good.

St. Louis @ Arizona. That thing I said earlier about Cinci and Miami being the least interesting game? This was its closest competition. Unless you are a fan of either of these teams, I can’t think of a single reason to watch this one. Hell, even if you are a fan, you might want to consider flipping back and forth between this one and a real game. Pick: Arizona

Tennessee @ Indianapolis. It’s pretty well-documented that both this blog and BRB are not fans of Albert Haynesworth. With any luck, he could be playing his last game as a Tennessee Babyeating-Sisterfucker. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather hate him once every three years than twice a year. Now, if he could just end Peyton’s career on his way out the door, we’ll have some nice parting gifts waiting. Pick: Indianapolis

An Open Letter to Travis Johnson

Dec 24, 2007 2007 Season, Anger, Colts Shmolts, God hates ugly, Self-Referential Stuff, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts

Dear Shitbag,

This is the thanks I get for being your biggest apologist and defender in the whole fucking universe? Fuck you. Fuck you straight to hell.

Consider: Despite you doing next to nothing since being drafted, I immediately jumped on the bandwagon when you seemed to pick up your play in the preseason. When you taunted an unconscious man, not only did I write what I believe to be one of my two or three best posts in response, I went on Big Blue Shoe’s fucking podcast to defend your ignorant ass. When I went to the Titans game at Reliant, I cheered for you as you played perhaps your best game as a Texan. And whenever the talk turned to the 2008 team, rather than join the Trade Travis movement, I consistently penciled you in at Nose Tackle alongside Amobi Okoye, despite the fact that you are better suited to play the Under Tackle position.

No more. As of today, I am done.

Do you realize how fucking ridiculous you looked getting not one, but TWO completely avoidable late hit fouls? On the first one, you were still being blocked Manning went down right in front of you. You had a clear view of the play as Mario rode him to the ground. There was no way you could have thought that the play was still live or that Manning had fumbled. Yet, you pounced on him like were trying to be some kind of hard ass thug. Not long thereafter, you ran directly at a play where two Texans had tackled the ball carrier, took nearly three steps after the whistle had blown, then lowered your large, empty head and rammed it into the other player’s helmet. Fucking brilliant. Hell, in between those plays, you had another helmet-to-helmet hit that wasn’t called. It was almost as if you’d decided that this was the game where you were going to make a name for yourself as the biggest retard in the National Football League.

You, sir, are a classless, piece-of-shit, moron asshole who brings nothing positive to the table. I cannot wait until you are no longer a member of the Houston Texans organization. I wish you nothing but the worst from here on out. You fuck.

Sincerely,

Matt

P.S. I hope you contract gonorrhea from a transvesite hooker.

I woke up Sunday mornin’ with no way to hold my head that didn’t hurt

Dec 24, 2007 2007 Season, Broken Record, Colts Shmolts, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, God hates ugly, Kris Brown's golden leg, Matt Turk rules, Posts that list too many players, Rosie Rosenfels, Super Mario, The Fred, Travis Johnson, Von

In the spirit of the holiday season, let us start with the good things from yesterday’s game. This will be a short list.

• Mario Williams. Super Mario continued to show that he should not only be on the Pro Bowl roster, but should be a starter, putting up a sack in his sixth straight game and keeping pace as the AFC leader. It’s a bit premature, but I am going to come out and say it now–next year, anything less than 18 sacks will disappoint me. (He did get fooled on the Dallas Clark end around, but, Christ, who didn’t?)
• Earl Cochran. I have no idea how he does it, but Earl gets to the ball more or less unblocked more often than not. Hell, he made a tackle on the RB eight yards downfield at one point. He’s fast, aggressive, and has fluid hips that allow him to turn in space. If we don’t keep him around, it’s a mistake.
• Fred Bennett. I love The Fred. The back-to-back passes to Wayne (second one for a TD) notwithstanding, Fred played his ass off all day. 11 tackles, a forced fumble, two great breaks on balls to break up passes…the fact that he languished on the bench while Petey was out there stinking up the joint is still irritating. The good news, though, is that a Bennett/Dunta Robinson combo would mean we finally had two real CBs.
• DeMeco Ryans. Injured knee nothing. It pretty much doesn’t matter which direction the play goes or where Ryans is lined up pre-snap–if the ball leaves the QBs hand, there is roughly a 74.4% chance that DeMeco will be in on the play that brings the ball carrier down. Amazing. The announcers–who, by the way, sucked–mentioned that over the last two seasons, Ryans has more tackles than ANYONE in football. He’s good like that.
• Andre Johnson. Same as it ever was, AJ is just a monster. He’d have been even better Sunday had Sage not eyeball humped him as he ran his routes (more on that later).
• Andre Davis. The man is a special teams ninja.
• Matt Turk. Never a good sign when his 4 punts for a 44.5 yard average are a highlight.

Now for the bad. These are the little lumps of coal in the stocking of my life.

• The secondary other than Fred Bennett. Will Demps seems to knock the crap out of people on every hit, yet, strangely, he doesn’t really knock people flat on their asses most of the time. I can’t figure it out. Case in point, Kenton Keith took Demps’ hit head on, paused briefly, and then moved forward for additional yards. I like Will and I’m glad he’s been so good for us, but this could be a problem. Even more of a problem is the fact that C.C. Brown only hits people with any sort of authority when they are extended or not looking. When the opposing player could see him coming, Brown was as harmless as a fart on a windy day Sunday. Even more irritating, though, was the way he played his position (or, more accurately, didn’t play his position). He was nowhere to be seen on Joe Addai’s TD run (Charlie Anderson also whiffed on this one, but Brown was noticeably absent behind him), he got juked out of his shorts by Clark in the open field, he nearly airballed when he went to shove Clark out of bounds later, he was late to pick up Wayne in the two-deep coverage after Bennett released him, and he vacated his position on Clark’s second TD catch. But Brown was an All-Pro compared to Von Hutchins, who was used and abused by Wayne until Kubiak adjusted and put Bennett on Reggie. He was absolutely roasted on the 42-yard bomb to Wayne near the end of the first quarter (Why was Demps up at linebacker depth before the snap on that play if he wasn’t blitzing and where was Brown? Or did someone think it was a good idea to see if Hutchins could run with Wayne?). AND Hutchins was so late closing on WRs that caught the ball in front of him that they were twice tackled by a linebacker who had to first turn and then chase them down. Oh, and then there was Jamar Fletcher…
• Sage Rosenfels. I sincerely hope that this game will hush the “Sage is Baby Jesus” talk. Even if you don’t want to say he failed as a starter, the fact is that he has never impressed someone to the point that he was “the guy” other than when he was replacing an injured starter. Sunday, he showed us why. There were at least five balls thrown behind receivers, two of which were picked. He stared down his receivers from the snap and threw directly where he was looking almost every time. He forced throws to Andre Johnson when Walter and/or Daniels were wide open. This guy is a solid backup, but if someone wants to give us value for him, holding on to him is borderline retarded, because he is never going to be anything more than a solid backup.
• Darius Walker. I almost put him in the “good” list because he did look strong early and he ran the ball between the tackles well in the beginning stages of the second half. I put him here, however, because it became incredibly apparent that he is nowhere near fast enough to get the ball to the outside and create something out of nothing. The Colts adjusted to his early runs by keeping the LBs home and letting Walker decide whether to run into them or to take it outside where he was hauled down with minimal effort. Of course, seeing this, Kubiak decided it would be a good idea to pitch the ball to him eight yards behind the line and see what he could do (the answer: nothing). I like the idea of him as a third-down back, but that’s about it.
• Travis Johnson. This gets its own post.
• Kris Brown. You miss your only FG, you go on this list by default. Not a horrible game by the Husker, but he didn’t seem upset at all that he pushed that 49-yarder wide.
• Vonta Leach. Question: What good is a fullback who misses on his lead blocking assignments? Answer: No good at all, regardless of whether the coach and QB try to force passes to him. Leach played like butt. Now, part of this might have been due to Walker’s lack of speed; blocking for someone slower than you are probably takes a different approach. Still…man…never a good day when the FB stands out.

Other notes from the contest:

• Regardless of what the now-banned-commenter “Tom,” thinks, the problem Sunday was not the blitz getting burned. Only one of the TDs came against a blitz, and that was a weird phenomenon where we sent too many blitzers and the lanes got clogged up before we could get there. Otherwise, the problem was the Manning was picking apart our zone and then Reggie Wayne would abuse whomever was on him in man coverage. And that we couldn’t get to Manning whether we sent 4, 5, or 6 rushers. And that we couldn’t move the ball because Sage imploded after the second possession. AND because 3/4 of our secondary was playing like crap.
• Kubiak’s playcalling left a lot to be desired. Outside runs with Walker, sending Kevin Walter on a 6 yard route when you need 8, not going for it on fourth when we should have, using Andre Johnson on a hitch screen from our own 25, etc. Uninspiring at best.
• Owen Daniels continues to run hot and cold. He’ll make some great catches over the middle and get you all excited, only to irritate you when he alligator arms one in the face of a linebacker or fails to catch easy balls.
• Tony Dungy may be the nicest guy in the NFL or in the whole world. He might be a great father, husband, coach, and author. But he looks like a whiny ninny when he stands there and yells “no, no, no!” at the refs after they called one of the most obvious horse-collar tackles you’ll ever see.
• So much for the nine wins. At least we have one more crack at .500. I never thought I’d be so happy to be playing a team with absolutely nothing to play for. (Though you could argue that the Colts didn’t have much to play for, either…)

I’m dreaming of some zone blitzes

Dec 21, 2007 2006 Draft, Beer, Blasphemy, Bloggerating, Colts Shmolts, Fuck the Cowboys, KEYE sucks, Mormons, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Tequila

I would like to apologize to whatever cosmic force I angered. My bad. Really. Now that I have admitted my guilt, could you please stop damning me with horrible officemates? I mean, haven’t you ever heard the philosophy that once a man admits that he’s wrong, that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? It’s not like I’m making you pick up itty bitty pieces of skull on account of my dumb ass.

In addition to his incredible insights on Day 1, Dipshit Cowboys Fan Officemate (DCFO) has offered the following (note, some of these are only mind-numbingly stupid if you are a lawyer, I suppose):

• (in response to my bitching about Mario getting shafted) DeMarcus Ware has more sacks than Mario. My response: 11 is more than 13? Weird. When did that happen? Was there a press conference?
• (in response to someone asking him about bail) Are bail and bond the same thing?
• (moments later, displaying his total ignorance of the 8th Amendment) I guess they can set any bond amount they want. I can’t find anything in the case law that says it has to be reasonable.
• (regarding the 11 Cowboys on the Pro Bowl roster) With Sean Taylor gone, Roy Williams is easily the best safety in football. (I damn near spit out my coffee on this one.)
• (regarding Zoolander) David Carr could have been a Hall of Fame quarterback if you guys would have protected him.
• (regarding college) Him: I don’t understand these black kids at places like Florida State that get in trouble every year. This never would have happened at my school. Me: Where’d you go? Him: BYU.

So…yeah. This is what I am dealing with. I am currently trying to get someone to trade offices with me, but that’s not going all that well. I should probably stop beginning those negotiations with “Jesus Christ, I have to get out of that office before I light that retard on fire.”

Anyway, on to the picks. I followed the amazing perfection of two weeks ago with a hot, wet shitstorm last week. Oh well.

Last week: 9-5

Season: 135-81

Week 16 Picks

Dallas @ Carolina. Panthers fans should be happy. You think Tony Romo was distracted by Jessica Simpson’s presence last week. That’s NOTHING compared to the way he will be eyeball-fucking Zoolander. Unfortunately, Carolina fans, your team still eats balls. Pick: Dallas

JUGGERNAUT @ Indianapolis. I want to do it. I want to put down that we are going to roll into the RCA Dome, Mario is going to nail Manning more often than Kenny Chesney does, and the JUGGERNAUT is going to come out 8-7. I want to believe. And, since it’s my blog, I’m going to, goddamnit. Pick: Houston

Green Bay @ Chicago. I was just talking to my wife about DCFO and she said, “you are so negative…he can’t be that bad.” My son, standing in the background, said “Mom, he’s a Cowboys fan.” I’m the motherfucking father of the year. Pick: Green Bay

Cleveland @ Cincinnati. A possible player to keep in mind when the free agent signings start happening: Justin Smith. He’s never become the #1 DE that people thought he would, but he’s still damn good. If you could get him at a reasonable price–probably unlikely, though there are enough DE FAs this season that it is possible–he might just become a monster opposite Mario. I’m just sayin’. (Or, if you are like Tim and would rather see Travis Johnson beheaded like a kidnapped Westerner kicked to the curb, it’s worth noting that Pat Williams will be a FA as well. Put him between Mario and Manchild and you might have sheer fucking dominance. My sources say “sheer fucking dominance” is a good thing.) Pick: Cleveland

Oakland @ Jacksonville. Ideally, Oakland will win this game, Houston will win, and next week’s game will be picked up by NBC’s flex schedule due to the “trying for first winning record” v. “fighting for playoff positioning” storylines. Ideally. Problem–Oakland blows. Pick: Jacksonville

New York Giants @ Buffalo. All Eli Manning wants for Christmas is one more win. He better hope Santa fucking delivers this weekend, though, because it ain’t happening next weekend. Pick: New York Giants

Kansas City @ Detroit. The Lions are collectively still walking funny after the ass pounding they got from LDT and Co. last week. Luckily for them, the Chiefs are more of a bottom than a top. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Pick: Detroit

Philadelphia @ New Orleans. Reggie Bush is saying that he might return either this week or the next. With how he’s played so far this year, can a torn knee ligament really make that much of a difference? Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’, Eddie! Pick: Philadelphia

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco. Jeff Garcia returns to the sight of some of his greatest glory holes. Pick: Tampa Bay

Atlanta @ Arizona. Dear Arthur Blank, Up Yours. Signed, God. Pick: Arizona

New York Jets @ Tennessee. If you have any questions about how this game is going, just call your friends in Austin. They can tell you. In other news, KEYE is still a bunch of fucknuts. Pick: Tennessee

Baltimore @ Seattle. Seattle gets to play the one team in football that suffered a more embarrassing loss than they did last week. You would think that both of these teams would be fired up, looking to get back on track. But Baltimore still can’t score and Seattle is still a collective of vaginas. Pick: Seattle

Miami @ New England. If you seriously believe that there is even a chance Miami wins this game, please see your doctor. Pick: New England

Washington @ Minnesota. I love Adrian Peterson. He is a beast. With even a semblance of passing game to take the 10th man out of the box, he’s a real threat for 2,400 yards. That said, I can pick up a blitzing linebacker better than he seems able or willing to do. Minnesota should win this game, but something is making me pick against them. Pick: Washington

Denver @ San Diego. My favorite thing about going home for Christmas (or any other reason) is that my mom owns a bar. Thus, pretty much every trip up there revolves around drinking for free until I pass out. This holiday will be no different. Which means I will likely be below radio depth until Sunday afternoon. Be good, kiddies. Pick: San Diego

It’s only a flesh wound!

Dec 18, 2007 Awesomeness, Colts Shmolts, DeMeco Ryans, Injury bug

In his only-four-days-late game recap, Tim says, “Methinks DeMeco is hurt worse than the team is letting on.” The numbers certainly back that up–Ryans has only 6 total tackles in each of the last two games. As further proof that Tim isn’t just talking out of his ass, though, I point you to this blurb on USA Today:

Texans LB DeMeco Ryans played in Week 15 with a torn PCL in his right knee, but expects to finish out the season.

Ryans suffered the injury against the Bucs in Week 14. The tacking machine is tied for third in the NFL with 121 stops, but had only six combined in the last two games. A limited Ryans is good news for a slumping Colts running game.

How fucking bad ass is that?

A Pre-cap of All the Stories You’ll Read About Sean Taylor in the Next Week

Nov 27, 2007 2003 Draft, Colts Shmolts, Damn it, Fatty Starbucks, National Media, Non-Texan stuff, Pro Bowl 2008

By now, everyone has heard about the murder of Sean Taylor. While this event is completely out of left field, the media coverage of it will not be. Thus, I present the following NOT to make light of Taylor’s death–I honestly do feel bad for his family and friends–but to make light of the preposterously predictable nature of the media. If, in so doing, I seem slightly insensitive, I apologize. Still, you know DGDB&D well enough to know there are no sacred cows.

“This is a tragedy that really puts the non-importance of football into perspective.” by Mike Lupica

“Taylor’s death shows us how quickly everything can be taken away.” by Peter King

“This is a logical conclusion to the embracing of the “hip hop” lifestyle.” by Skip Bayless

“How does Taylor’s death affect Tony Romo’s love life?” by Matt Mosely

“If this were Pacman Jones, you could blame it on the “hip hop” lifestyle, but Sean Taylor was not a part of that. He had left the bad boy image behind.” by Jeffrey Chadiha

“This is racial. People would be screaming for the killer to be brought to justice if this were Brett Favre.” by Jason Whitlock

“Sean Taylor’s murder is not unlike the death of INSERT FAMOUS ATHLETE HERE.” by Bill Simmons

“The Redskins are dedicating the remainder of their season to Taylor, but where do they go from here?” by Jason La Canfora

“This shows the foresight in Roger Goodell’s zero-tolerance policy, but he needs to be more strict and ban for life any player within 20 yards of a crime.” by Rick Reilly

“Would Sean Taylor have been a Hall of Famer if this didn’t happen?” by Football Outsiders

“It should have been you, Peyton Manning.” by Matt Campbell

This post just beat Faggins on a dig route

Sep 23, 2007 2007 Season, Amobi Okoye is 20, Athletes who don't stab people, Batman, Colts Shmolts, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Posts that list too many players, The Fred, The Schaub Experiment

It wasn’t that long ago that Stephanie admonished me for attacking Chad Stanley the person rather than simply berating Stanley’s performance. While I don’t agree with her, I understand where she was coming from. There are times, however, when a person’s performance is so bad that complaining about the player himself becomes part and parcel of discussing his contributions.

That person, of course, is Petey Faggins.

Last week, Faggins was beat-down to the tune of 3 catches for 47 yards and 2 TDs within Carolina’s first five minutes of possession. This fact was not lost on the Indianapolis Colts. In fact, they did everything short of pointing and laughing derisively at Faggins as they went to the line. Petey might as well have worn a bulls-eye in place of his number 38.

Think about it. A team with at least five weapons in the passing game (Harrison, Wayne, Clark, Gonzales, and Addai)–a team that is known for spreading the ball around among all the receivers–basically said, “you know what… screw it; we’re just going right at number 38.” And did they ever. I need to review the tape for a definite count, but I put the number of passes thrown (and completed) to Faggins’ responsibility somewhere north of 8.

Of course, it’s easy for a QB like Manning to complete passes when the DB is giving his responsibility an 8-yard cushion on every single play. Faggins looked like he was so scared of getting beat deep that he would rather let the person catch the ball in front of him and simply try to make the tackle. This is a bad plan in general. It becomes a truly horrible plan when your team absolutely, positively must have a 3-and-out to get the ball back. Rather than play up even in that dire circumstance, Faggins gave enough cushion that Harrison caught the ball past the first down marker and Petey STILL had to close on him to make the play.

This kind of coverage would be bad enough on its own. Unfortunately, Faggins also screwed up on both of Addai’s TD runs. I’m not sure what is more embarrassing–letting Joseph Addai jump over you because you go too low, too early, or ignoring your outside responsibility, running INTO a block, then failing to disengage in time to even get a hand on the guy who ran right at where you were supposed to be–but both plays were laughably bad. Unless you are a Texans fan, in which case they were still bad, but sans laughter.

Word around the campfire is that People Who Know Things just don’t think rookie Fred Bennett is anywhere close to ready to play CB2 at the NFL level. Well, guess what…neither is Faggins. Are you seriously telling me that Bennett could not play off his receiver, get burned by nearly every receiver he defends, be targeted by opposing offenses, and blow tackling assignments as well as Faggins can? Well that’s a risk I am willing to take. Besides, that would give us 13 games to see if Bennett shows enough skill to make us believe he can take over that role full-time at some point in the near future. If he steps in and does well, we have solved the problem and improved our defense at the same time. If he fails, he can’t be any worse than Faggins has been and it gives us even more reason to pursue Asomugah.

Look, I know all about how Petey is a “really nice guy” and “a hard worker” and all that. Thing is, I don’t care. Not one little bit. Until I see Bennett and Jamar Fletcher look like Moe and Curly out there, you will not be able to convince me that one of them is not better than Faggins.

The good news, Texans fans, is that even with Faggins’ “performance” and enough injuries to make Florence Nightingale say, “yo, hold up,” we still had a chance to win that game with 2:30 left on the clock. That is not something that Texans v. 1.0 would have managed. I smell a list.

Da Good

• Amobi Okoye. That’s three sacks in the last two games for Manchild. The impressive part, though, is the strength he’s shown in blasting through double-teams and closing on the QB once he breaks free.
• The offensive line. While Schaub was technically sacked thrice, the third one hardly counts (other than on the stat sheet), as Schaubby had to hold the ball long enough for the WRs to get 30 or 40 yards downfield. Other than Salaam getting bowled over by a bull rush, the line did a fantastic job against a much quicker front four than they’d previously faced. Their work was even better when you consider that we presented NO running game, so the Colts knew we were throwing.
• Matt Schaub. You know…every time I see Schaub feel a little pressure, escape just far enough to avoid the trouble, and throw an accurate pass to a moving receiver, I cry little tears of joy inside. Watching him march the team down the field in the fourth quarter, I thought to myself, “so this is what it feels like to know you have a quarterback for the next decade or so.”
• Andre’ Davis. Apostrophe was only activated because the other Andre wasn’t able to go today. When Jones went down, however, Davis promptly came in and played like someone who should not have been waiver-wire fodder. The leaping grab he made at the one was nothing short of fantastic.
• The Final Score. No, we didn’t win. But if you told any Texans fan back in April that they would play within a TD of the Super Bowl Champs, despite not having Andre Johnson, Ahman Green, the starting punt returner, or Ron Dayne, and despite only getting one sack, I think they would have taken it.
• The Run Defense. Considering the LBs have to help in pass coverage, read the play, and then close on the RB, the fact that we kept the Colts under 100 yards for the day has to be considered a positive.
• Jerome Mathis. Nice kick return, dude. And a couple nice catches, too. Who are you, and what have you done with Jerome?

Da Bad

• Petey Faggins. Ugh.
• Matt Schaub. He makes this list for one reason–the INT by Gary Brackett. I liked the play call, but you kind of have to make sure that the proper people bit on the play fake before you go to the obvious first read. Tsk, tsk.
• The injury to Cedric Killings. I feel bad for the guy–I might have jinxed him–and I wish him nothing but a speedy and complete recovery. To be fair, though he did drop his head at the last second for some reason. Players are taught from the earliest levels of football not to do this, but Kubiak should still make all his players watch that play and the Kevin Everett injury a couple times, just to reinforce it.
• The injuries. Andre Johnson, Ahman Green, Ron Dayne, Cedric Killings, Steve McKinney, Jacoby Jones. Jeez.
• Petey Faggins.

DeMeco

• 13 tackles. He’s a bad mother.

Starring Martin Lawrence and Tim Robbins

Sep 23, 2007 2007 Season, Andre Johnson, Colts Shmolts, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment

As cliched as it all sounds, it really does go without saying that a win today would be the biggest in franchise history. We would be alone atop the AFC South standings for the first time ever. We would be riding a five-game winning streak. We would put the rest of the NFL–along with 99% of the talking heads out there–on notice that this Texans team is for real. And, hell, a win would all but guarantee a playoff birth for us if recent history is any indication.

Likewise, a win would be huge for Matt Schaub. He has come in and answered so many questions already about the offensive line, the shortcomings of that old QB, and even whether Schaubby was worth all that we traded to get him. Winning today, however, especially with Andre Johnson sidelined, would pretty much put the past to bed once and for all. Schaub will have established himself as an NFL starter and there will no longer be any need to dwell on 2002-2006.

That’s what happens if we win. What happens if we lose, though?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I want to win, I know we can win, and I think we will win. I am just asking what the repercussions will be if we don’t. By my way of thinking, a loss today is surprisingly not that big of a deal, especially if the game is relatively close. Considering that basically no one (other than Rod Woodson, apparently) thinks we will win, a loss would not having people screaming from the rooftops about how we aren’t who they thought we were. Because the Colts are also undefeated and are, you know, World Champs, there is little harm in losing to them–it simply tells you that you are not quite at that level and it gives you something to work toward. And, whether he was a factor last December or not, losing a game when you are missing a weapon like Andre Johnson is hardly shocking.

Really, the only downside to a loss would be that this is the first chance most people will have had to watch the Texans. Barring us getting blown out of Reliant, though, even losing in front of a national audience is not a huge deal. Sure, some people (read: idiots) will watch the game and, should we lose, start talking about how we were overrated and haven’t played anyone real. Of course, those people didn’t see us win a game last week that no Texans team before this one would have. So what do they know?

What all this means, of course, is that today is a win-win situation. We go into today’s game with everything to gain and very, very little to lose. The best part is, in those situations, the team can just go out and play.

In the end, I am hoping that the “losing” part of this discussion is moot. Maybe it’s the Kool-Aid, maybe it’s my anticipation of how loud Reliant will be, or maybe it’s just full-on optimism spawned by the 2-0 start, but I really do think we can win today. If we don’t, though, just remember not to panic. Besides, with Atlanta next up on the schedule, life just gets better from here.

Bulletin board material?

Sep 22, 2007 Andre Johnson, Batman, Bloggerating, Colts Shmolts

So, what are the Internet-based Colts fans saying about this week’s game?

We start our tour at Stampede Blue. (Side note: This is, hands down, the best Colts blog out there. Of course that is sort of like being the best Filipino tranny porn website, but still, it’s always good to be number 1.) Man, they are really letting us have it over there. Just look at this post, wherein our old pal Big Blue Shoe…actually talks about how good we are looking and how we are going to win 10 games. Hmm. Nevermind. Moving on.

Over at Colts Couch Crew, there was nary a mention of the game, as it seems Russell Puntenney (which sounds dirty, but isn’t) is far more concerned with the cheating nature of Bill Belichick and the Patriots. He also offers up an asinine theory about how CameraGate will make the Colts look better in retrospect, as if all the choke jobs preceding last year’s success were the result of subterfuge and trickery. Whatever.

Cranky Colts–what’s with all the alliteration?–was at least talking about the game, but only with regard to us being without Andre Johnson and the author’s hope that Freddie Keaiho will play.

In the end, I was only able to find one post with any sort of smack talk, and it was this one from ColtFreaks.com (predicted score: Colts 34, Texans 10).

I do look for Ahman Green to have nice day but nothing outrageous like Dayne did last year. Without Andre Johnson, the Texans have no major threats. Yes Houston you do have a problem and I see this one getting away from you fast. The Colts will be a little hungry for revenge and the Texans do not have the personnel to get the job done. Yes you have a few emerging players on D, a good young QB, decent RB, but not enough weapons to get it done.

That’s about it. Only one score prediction. Only one poorly-punctuated attempt at trash talking analysis. What gives? The only thing I can figure is that–much like the media and the rest of the non-Texans fans out there–Colts fans can’t quite figure out how good this Houston team is, so they are avoiding making much out of the game. If they win, they can chalk the pre-game radio silence up to “we weren’t worried about the Texans because we are the world champs;” if they lose, the lack of smack before kickoff lends itself nicely to “we knew these Texans were for real…good job.”

Either that, or they really are more concerned with Belichick than with this game. Which would be funny in a revisionist, “our one ring is better than their three” sort of way. Surely that’s not it…

As I type feverishly in an effort to convince myself…

Sep 18, 2007 2006 Season, 2007 Season, Colts Shmolts, Gary Kubiak, Jacoby Jones is slighty less unheralded, Ron Dayne likes pie, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

I left a shorter version of that last post as a comment for Stephanie over at FanHouse. In response, she brought up a good point: when we beat the Colts last Christmas Eve (i.e. the last time they lost to anyone), we did with David Carr and Ron Dayne.

Not only that, we did it with the final iteration of Zoolander the Texan. You know, the one whose progression was “safety valve, run out of bounds, fetal position.” The one whose month of December included things like 3-step drops¹, 4 INT game, and a overall rating for the month of 59.9. In that game against the Colts, however, Johnny Whitegloves went 16-26–7 of those to the RBs–for 127 yards (a whopping 4.5 average) and 1 TD. Clearly, this would not be good enough to beat the Colts. Yet, win we did because Ron Dayne chipped in with 153 rushing yards and two TDs, which, along with Kris Brown’s two FGs, allowed us to eke it out.

Now, nine months later, our team appears to be markedly better in nearly every aspect than the one that took the field last December. Most importantly, in place of Carr and Dayne, we’re rolling out there with Schaub and Batman. And, if we can manage to get the Colts to punt–they didn’t punt once in last year’s game–we have Jacoby freakin’ Jones ready to bust off a little somethin’ somethin’.

My point?

Andre Johnson had 4 catches for 48 yards in that game, meaning he wasn’t exactly the reason we won. Hell, he had a holding penalty that negated a TD and forced us to settle for a FG late in the game. We won because Gary Kubiak’s gameplan called for minimizing our weaknesses (i.e. Carr) and exploiting the Colts’ weaknesses (i.e. run defense). There is no reason to think we can’t use the same philosophy this time around. If we do, we can be in this thing until the end.

If, in addition, we cause a couple turnovers and avoid any of our own, we can actually win this game. And I can say with little or no hyperbole that a win Sunday would be the biggest win in the history of the franchise, bar none.

¹ Despite this shortened drop and the instruction from the staff to stop trying to read defenses, Sandy was still sacked 12 times in December… behind the EXACT same line that has only allowed 2 sacks of Matt Schaub. Can we please, PLEASE stop pretending that David’s own timidity and lack of poise didn’t lead to most of his sacks?