DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

…aaaaand, we’re back!

Back from where, you ask?  Well, for the first time since Sophia was born back in February, my wife and I were able to escape for a kidless vacation this past weekend.  And how better to spend a romantic weekend than in Houston, eating Mexican food, listening to live music, and watching your Houston JUGGERNAUT in action?

Speaking of live music, if you’ve never seen Billy Joe Shaver in concert, do yourself a favor and make that happen.  The man is a living legend (he wrote 90% of Waylon Jennings’ Honkytonk Heroes album as well as songs for the Allman Brothers, Jerry Jeff Walker, and Bobby Bare) and, even better, completely out of his mind.  He spent two songs explaining how to throw a punch, one song trying to kick a woman in the head, and at least two songs flapping his arms like he was going to fly.  But, regardless, the show was fantastic.  And I defy you to show me another 69-year-old performer who comes on at 11PM and plays until well after 1AM.

Other thoughts about the game and the weekend in general:

• First off, huge thanks to Tim and his better half for taking us to the game and just generally showing us a good time around Houston.  A+ effort as always.
• A separate thank you to Tim’s dad for giving us the tickets.
• He got close last year, but this is going to be the season that Mario Williams makes all the doubters feel silly.  You wouldn’t think he could look appreciably better than he did last year, but you would be wrong.  On one play, Mario shoved Ryan Clady (all 325 lbs of him) back about six feet and snared Selvin Young with one hand, bringing the RB down for a two-yard loss.  The funny thing was Clady was in proper to position to block Mario—he had his butt low and was squared up correctly—yet Mario just flung him out of the way as if he was nothing.
• DeMeco Ryans is very, very good.  This is not news.  What is news, however, is that he seems to have found another gear as well, as he was disrupting plays in the backfield with surprising regularity during the first two series.
• Ninfa’s is really, really good.  It’s so good, in fact, that every time I eat there, I refuse to eat Mexican food in Little Rock for months afterward.
• Is there some reason Jacques Reeves was giving a five- to seven-yard cushion to the slot WRs?  Because I can’t figure out what it would be.  I mean, his one asset is speed, right?  So shouldn’t he play a little closer, knowing that he can keep up stride-for-stride?  Someone needs to answer this.
• Will Demps looks very good in run support.  He is one of five Texans who can claim that praise following Sunday’s game.
• Petey Faggins made one tackle where, before I realized it was him, I said “wow…great hit!”  Then I felt dirty and started to question my own existence.  Thankfully, Faggins then completely lost outside contain on Anthony Aldridge’s run, turning a 4-yard loss into a 19-yard gain.  All was immediately right with the world.
• In other news, Petey tackles very well when he is hitting a stopped receiver from the side.
• Contrary to what some random ‘tards will tell you, there is no QB controversy, nor should there be one.  Matt Schaub looked fantastic on his first four throws and the timing route he fired to Andre Davis was a throw that (a) Zoolander never could have made and (b) our offense has rarely, if ever, featured before.  Schaub threw it to Davis’ back shoulder and the ball was halfway there before Davis ever made his turn.  It is obviously something they’ve been working on, though, as Andre knew without a doubt where the ball would be when he broke.  Impressive as hell.  That throw is also why I think Matt forced the fifth throw into coverage—he’s apparently been working with Davis on a lot of short routes and precision throws and he’s comfortable throwing to Andre regardless of the situation.  Was it a bad throw?  Of course.  It was into triple coverage and David Anderson was open to the left.  But it was an understandable early-season mistake.
• Speaking of QBs, Sage Rosenfels did look good, especially on the throw to Anderson.  But what apparently doesn’t come across on television (as I haven’t seen anyone talking about it) is that Sage has a serious case of happy feet back there.  Oh, sure, he’s nails and he will stay in and keep his eyes downfield, but his footwork is pretty bad.  He made that very nice throw to Jacoby Jones, but he was practically dancing in place before he launched it.  And I can’t recall him stepping up into the pocket much at all.
• Good news!  There was actually a pocket the QBs could have stepped into.  I am already prepared to admit that I was wrong on Duane Brown; that kid looked fantastic Saturday night.  His footwork was nearly flawless, his technique was solid, and he used his hands very well.  Ephraim Salaam just got Wally Pipped, I do believe.
• I am going to tell myself that the injury to Louis Green and the ensuing five-minute delay took the steam out of our drive and that is why they had to settle for a field goal.  I am telling myself this and you can’t convince me otherwise.
• Remember not that long ago when Chris pointed out that Ahman Green’s 2007 injury was hardly a fluke—it was a straight-on hit to the knee, which happens to all running backs multiple times per year?  Well, you know, AT LEAST IT WAS A HIT!!!!  Seriously, you are going to hurt yourself on the VERY FIRST PLAY OF THE YEAR without so much as the defense getting a hand on you?  Really?  Honestly?  I don’t think I am alone in saying that I am fine with the team taking the cap hit and giving Green his walking limping papers.
• Cadillac Bar’s brunch buffet is fan-friggin’-tastic.  It is doubly great when you have 5 or 6 mimosas.  What’s that, you say?  Mimosas are lame?  Good sir, the fact that I am allowed to drink alcohol with breakfast without drawing scorn from others is far from lame.  Plus, you know…vitamin C.  No scurvy for me!
• Was it just me, or did it seem like Morlon Greenwood was trying to make me look like a jerk?  I spend two friggin’ weeks defending the guy and arguing that he’s way better than we give him credit for being and…um…wow.  He was horrid Saturday night.  No one should get owned like that on a Jay Cutler run, yet Morlon did.  And he was abused in the short passing game as well.  NOT GOOD, MORLON.
• Thanks to Lee, stacy, and grungedave recommending breakfast spots.  We tried to go to The Breakfast Klub on Saturday, but the line was around the block.
• The more I think about it, the less problem I have with Jacoby’s second punt return.  Granted, he did everything wrong—he ran backward, he changed directions too many times, he waited too long to switch hands—but he also juked past at least five would-be tacklers and, at the moment he fumbled, was about six inches from beating the last guy and taking that punt to the house.  No, I don’t want to see him doing that again, but I love that he is still that confident in the return game.  That’s the swagger we saw last year until he was destroyed by Hunter Smith.  Just hold on to the ball, son!
• Steve Slaton has ridiculous speed, but could get knocked over by a stiff breeze.  There were three plays where if he had made a real move or ran with a little more power, he could have made something big happen.  On both of the runs, he got arm-tackled by the last possible defender and, on the pass play, he thought he could juke an NFL lineman with nothing more than a head bob.  This ain’t Rutgers, man.
• The interior line of the future, aka Amobi Okoye and Frank Okam, really impressed me.  Amobi blew up a running play early and seemed to be playing with a better motor than at this point last season.  Big Frank annihilated two blockers and blew up a running play of his own late in the game.  Frank is still raw, no doubt about that, but he did nothing to lower my expectations of him.
• Why is food so much cheaper in Houston than in Little Rock?  I don’t get it.
• Dear Travis Johnson, Please stop diving late into piles just to “prove” that you are playing with intensity.  It’s stupid and it is going to cost us yards at some point.  In fact, why don’t you do us all a favor and just leave?  Love, Matt.
• David Anderson: Helluva game from the worst dancer in the history of the world.  I agree with Tim’s assessment, however, that we might have the best receiving corps in the NFL top to bottom.  We definitely have one of the fastest.
• I have no opinion on Chris Taylor getting the bulk of the carries.  Whether it is to see just we he has to offer or simply to keep the other people healthy, I am fine with it.  I would like it, however, if he could actually get 4 or 5 yards/carry in these games.  Whatever.
• Zac Diles: A+.
• OH…I almost forgot to mention this, but Kevin Bentley looks…how can I say this…FAT.  Not at all what I expected from ol’ LVJ.  When he came out for special teams work, he was hopping up and down to loosen up, and you could see a gut jiggling.  NOT COOL, Kevin.  Do you want to lose the bet?  Is that it?!?!
• Did anyone see Antwaun Molden?  Because I didn’t notice him at all.  Also, could we verify that Tim Bulman and Rosie Colvin were actually at the game?
• And, finally, though I already mentioned it once, it bears repeating that Mario Williams is an absolute man.  Be afriad, AFC South.  Be very afraid.

To Be The Best, You’ve Got To Beat The Best Just Stay Healthy.  CBSSports’ fantasy football coverage offers a write-up of Andre Johnson, how ridiculously good he is, and how important it is for him to be 100% healthy this year. My only knock on the article is that it ends with a hint that Johnson is “injury prone.”  (As an aside: I still rank Kubaik’s decision to leave Johnson on the field once the Panthers game was in hand as his worst single decision ever.) (H/T b0ng, via Eric)

Come Along And Ride On A Fantasy Voyage. Another fantasy sports article regarding your Houston Texans.  A fairly straight-forward and honest write-up, with little in the way of surprise.  In fact, the main reason I am posting it is so I can quote this line: “The only addition the team made to the defensive line was fifth-rounder tackle Frank Okam, who needs to supplant the very injury-prone Travis Johnson as soon as possible.”  Replace “injury-prone” with “retarded” and we are in agreement, anonymous web author. (H/T Eric)

Ladies Love 37th Ranked DBs. Rounding out our Saturday Kickoff fantasygasm, here’s an article ranking the top 50 fantasy DBs coming into 2008.  Our own Smoove Will is #37 and C.C. Brown in #39.  The fact that these two are ranked and Fred Bennett is not should tell you all you need to know about the translation from real-life football to fantasy football.

Travis Johnson’s wedding photos.

Not pictured: whatever “incident” caused the pelvic inflamation, though I assume it involved a bridesmaid, an empty champagne bottle, and some sticky Bahamian weed.

Travis Johnson: (to self) OK, Trav…you gots to get these vows done. OK…here we go…

(takes out pad and crayon and begins to write) Baby, u so fine, I want to suck u like a smokt nekbone.

Frank Okam: (entering lockerroom) Hey, Trav, what’s up?

Johnson: Shut your ass, rookie. Can’t you see I am trying to think here?

Okam: Think about what? What are you writing?

Johnson: Damn, you a nosy motherfucker. Shit. I’m trying to write my motherfuckin’ wedding vows. The woman says we have to write our own so they be special. She knows I ain’t wrote nuthin’ since high school.

Okam: You mean college?

Johnson: D-d-d0 I stutter, you rookie asshole? No, I mean HIGH SCHOOL.

Okam: Oh, yeah, I totally forgot you went to Florida State. My bad. Well, uh, I could give you some help on this if you want.

Johnson: The fuck do you know about wedding vows?

Okam: Well, not much per se, but I tend to write well. And I’m willing to help. (glances at paper) And based on what you have so far, it’s probably a good idea for you to let someone help. Assuming you actually want her to say “I do,” I mean.

Johnson: The fuck is wrong with what I have so far? That’s some romantical shit right there, rookie. You ain’t got no idea how bitches think. They don’t want some lovey Homeo and Juliet making out on the Eiffel Tower shit. That shit is for the gays. Like Trent Green would probably whisper that kinda shit.

Okam: (looking confused)…on the…Eif–nevermind. (has epiphany) OK, fine, you’re probably right; you’ve got way more life experience than I. How about I just help you with some ideas and help you proofread it?

Johnson: I guess that’s cool. So, after the neckbone bit, I was going to go into detail about how much I love her.

Okam: Sounds like a plan.

Johnson: Something like this:

Baby, I luv u mor than I luv getin relly high and watching old kung-fu movies.

Okam: Hmm.

Johnson: What?

Okam: Oh, nothing. Just considering how great the woman must be. That’s all.

Johnson: Yeah, she pretty fly. No doubt about that. So, then, I thought I’d tell her how much she means to me.

Baby, u meen mor to me than my PS3, my 22s, and that time I got to hang out with Jamie Foxx and ride arond in his limo and shit.

Okam: Pure poetry, man. Go on, though. Tell her why she means so much to you.

Johnson: Yeah, dawg! Good call.

Baby, u are so speshul to me because u done had my kids.

Okam: That’s it?

Johnson: More? How about

And becuze u luv me and becuze u don’t mind how much I swet when we be sexin cuz u understand that Houston is one humid mutherfucker.

Okam: Awesome.

Johnson: Then, finally, I thought I’d get all deep on her ass and tell her how because of her, I understand what love really is.

Okam: (genuinely shocked) Seriously? Preach on it, man.

Johnson: Yeah, so, like

Baby, u no I never understude why Jay-Z didn’t put the song Encore last on the Black Album if that was relly suppost to be his final album. I mean, shit, the last verse says “this heres the victry lap and I’m leevin’;” don’t that sound like the way to end an album? But luv ain’t neer as confuzin as that shit–when I am with u, I understan that love is what I feel in my heart.

Okam: (relieved) Fantastic, man. She is going to love it. Great job.

Johnson: Thanks, rookie fag. Now, I gots to go memorize this stuff.(Johnson leaves)

Okam: (to self) Yes, go memorize your little vows, Travis. I can’t wait for her to hear them, either. BWAHAHA! I will destroy you, Travis. Yes, DESTROY! And then the starting Nose Tackle job shall be mine!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

To Be Continued…

Gary Kubiak: (on phone) …uh-huh…yep…really, him? OK…no, that’s fine…I just didn’t…I didn’t know he was Catholic…I’ll tell him. (hangs up, dials Travis Johnson’s cell phone)

Travis Johnson: (singing) And IiiiIiiiiIiiiiiIIIIIIiiiiieieeeee, will always LOVE youuuuuuuuuu, IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuu… (answers phone) ‘Sup, coach?

Kubiak: Hey, Trav. How’s it going? I just got a call from the strangest person.

Johnson: You mean someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese? That’s not so weird; I get that all the time.

Kubiak: (sighing) No, Travis…not someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese. I have no idea–nevermind. Anyway, I got a call from the Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate.

Johnson: The fuck is an oblate?

Kubiak: You know, the people who provide priests for your church here in Houston? Shit…ANYWAY, it seems that the Pope is in the U.S. and he wants to invite you to have an audience with him. This is quite an honor, Trav, and–quite frankly–I am petrified that you will do something monumentally stupid and turn every Mexican in Texas against us. Please don’t fuck this up. Please?

Johnson: Shit, baby…it’s all to the good. I loves me some Pope.

(later that evening, in the rectory of St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Houston)

Johnson: Hi, Mr. Pope. Nice hat, dawg.

Pope Benedict: Hello, Travis. God bless you.

Johnson: So, what’s up, man? What’s good? What’s the word? (does elaborate, thirty-eight step handshake, points to the sky)

Pope: (looking startled) I…I…well, it is certainly wonderful to meet you, Travis. Father McHale tells me that you are setting a wonderful example for Catholic youth in Texas. He says that you–

Johnson: Oh, hell yeah, dawg! I be doin’ all sorts of shit fo’ the little kiddies. Why, just the other day, I took ten kids to the Mall to let them watch me buy some shoes.

Pope: I’m sorry? Do you mean you bought them shoes?

Johnson: Shit, no, man. I bought ME some shoes and I told them, “y’all practice hard and, someday, you’ll be able to afford all these shoes fo’ yo’ damn selves.” They were feelin’ me.

Pope: (looks slightly frightened and confused) You…bought yourself shoes…I…I don’t know what to say.

Johnson: I know, right?! Shit was great, dog!

Pope: (suddenly rethinking the entire meeting, changes subject) Tell me, son, is there a prayer you would like to say with me?

Johnson: Nah, dawg. I’m good.

Pope: Well, perhaps there is something you’d like blessed?

Johnson: Wait…whatchu sayin’? That you can give, like, super Jesus powers to something?

Pope: Not exactly, my son, but I can bless you or someone you love.

Johnson: Fo’ real?

Pope: Yes.

Johnson: Fo’ really real?

Pope: (sighing) Yes.

Johnson: Awwwww, SNAP! (unzips pants) Bless this, Pope.

Pope: What?!!

Johnson: Look, here’s the deal. I gots these two dudes on my team–Will Demps and, uh, this other Ivy League brotha we just signed–and they are both packin’ some SERIOUS dick, Pope. And, to make matters worse, they are both pulling more ass than a Texas Mormon, ya dig? So, I’s thinkin’ that, if you blessed my little Osceola, I could use my Jesus Dong to compete with those two.

Pope: (aghast)

Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope)

Pope: (frightened)

Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope.) Man, you gonna sit there slack-jawed like some motherfuckin’ Trent Green or you gonna holify my shit?

Pope: (looks for nearest exit, making blessing motion in Travis’ general direction) Ego contemno meus vita.

Johnson: (zipping up pants) Now THAT’S what I be talkin’ about, ya heard! 20 minutes ago, I had a lot of respect for the Pope. Now, I’m all like, HELLZ YEAH, THE POPE IS THE SHIZZNIT, BABY!!!! Vatican City in the house! Florida State in the house! My holy dick in the house!!!

Pope: (scurries out the side door)

Travis: (yelling after him) Yo, dawg, I’ma give my cell number to that dude out front in the big red hat! Holla at a playa if you are back in town! Tell Jesus I said what’s up!

As if you hadn’t noticed, I have REALLY been slacking off over here of late. I don’t have an excuse for it other than actual work at work is cutting into my sweet, sweet blogging time. I am contemplating lighting the place on fire just so I can get a vacation.

In any event, I’ll try to be better about it leading up to the draft. For now, allow me to bust out the old bulleted list.

• ***I have been fairly open about my hope that the Texans take a defensive tackle (read: Kentwan Balmer) at 18, followed by a DE in the third. Not to rehash old arguments, but my reasoning basically goes that a space-eating NT would make life easier for Amobi and Mario, thus making life easier on the secondary, AND I think Earl Cochran might have enough talent to become a rotational DE. All that said, I just took a peak at Anthony Weaver’s stats for the last two years and I am starting to think that the “Draft a DE first” crowd is on to something. One fucking sack in two years? Seriously?!? I mean, I knew the dude had been more or less invisible, but jesus titty fucking christ, even I could get one sack in two years. Hell, with Mario opposite him, Weaver should be able to vulture one or two sacks per year just by way of falling on QBs who are scrambling away from our good DE. And he’s the highest-paid Texans? Fantastic. I am getting angry…better move on.
• ***As first mention by new-BRBer, SOLIS, the Texans re-signed C.C. Brown. I’m of two minds about this. First, C.C. has basically been asstastic for most of his Texans tenure, so one wonders just why the team would throw dollars at him. On the other hand, though, his biggest problem (and the primary cause of his asstasticness) is not a lack of talent but a complete lack of understanding how to position himself. This being the case, C.C. might fall under the same “Ray Rhodes project” label as Jacques Reeves. In any event, I guess I like the idea of giving him a year under a good teacher before kicking him to the proverbial curb.
• ***Ray Rhodes cannot fix Petey Faggins. Jesus himself could not fix Petey Faggins. If Jesus and Durga had a baby and that baby married the current Dali Lama, the spawn of that relationship could not fix Petey Faggins.
• ***Someone emailed me this article from 2001 about Megan Manfull. Pretty boring shit, really; it’s the kind of stuff you would imagine in a fluff piece about “oooh, look, girls can write about sports, too!” What did stand out, however, was one quote from Manfull herself.
  

  ‘My mother taught me so much, Megan said. ‘I got started in seventh grade on our junior high newspaper. I thought it was fun, and I’d come home at night and she’d give me her lessons from her high school classes. I learned to put questions together and do interviews. I was the only junior high reporter turning in stories with quotes and sources in them.’

  See, kids, this what we call irony. Manfull’s memory of starting in print media was that she was the only one citing sources and using actual quotes and now she is part of a paper where such tactics are again missing. This isn’t so much “funny ha ha” as “funny sad,” I guess.

• ***Finally, in generic NFL news, the league approved a number of rule changes for next year. A couple are common sense stuff–FGs are now reviewable, teams can defer after winning a coin toss–but three could have some actual impact. First, one defensive player is allowed to have a radio in his helmet (aka The Spygate Rule). SOLIS already covered this one. Second, force outs have been eliminated, meaning that player has to land in-bounds for a ball to be complete, regardless of whether he was pushed out by the DB or not. This could be huge–larger, more physical corners will become more valuable; smaller, lighter WRs will be at a disadvantage along the sideline; and jump balls along the sides or in the endzone will become even less likely to be completed. Finally, the five-yard facemask penalty has been removed, meaning that incidental contact is ok, but that any twisting or turning of the head will be 15 yards if flagged. Other than Corky Johnson, our team plays pretty clean and smart on defense, so I think I like this change and that it will–if anything–benefit the guys in Battle Red.

Hello, peoples. Travis Johnson here. As the team’s resident expert on St. Patrick’s Day, I wanted to share some of my learnin’ with y’all. I live to edumacate the masses.

First, you are probably wondering why I am the team’s expert, seeing as how I don’t exactly look Irish. That shit is RACIST, dawg. My great-great grandfather, Seamus McJohnson, came over on, like, a boat and shit. What, you didn’t know that there were black Irishmen? And y’all think I am dumb. Sheeeeeiiiiiiit.

Anyway, the point is I know a lot about St. Patrick’s Day and I am going to spit some of that knowledge your way.

Now, St. Patrick was this dude who lived in Ireland, like, WAY back. Like before Christopher Columbo even found Texas. His real name was Maewyn, which is really gay, so he just started going by Patrick. When he was, like, 16, he was kidnapped by some other Irish dudes and sold into slavery. I think he had to pick potatoes and shit. He escaped from the kidnappers and ran away to France, which was called “Gaul” back then because French people is stupid.

While he was in France, Patrick studied Christianity from…um…Jesus and he was all like “Yo, dude, this Bible shit is tight. I’m gonna go back to Ireland and tell my whole posse about it. Thanks French Jesus!”

Patrick drove back to Ireland and started telling all his boys about Christianity. He was straight spittin’ the Word to anyone who would listen. This made a rival gang, the Celtic Druids, mad. They snatched him up a bunch of times, but Patrick kept escapin’ like the motherfuckin’ birdman. Caw, bitches.

Peoples axe me all the time, “Travis, why do we have some of the St. Patrick’s traditions like parades and corned beef and shamrocks and shit?” Simple, my friends…those are all things that Patrick liked. Parades? Patrick used to round up his posse and C-walk through the streets, talking about “Jesus saves, bitch! Northside Jesus, what?!” This pissed the Celtic Druids off like whoa, but Patrick did that shit anyway. Corned beef? Well, a lot of those hoes back in old ass Ireland had the syphillis, but they called it “blarney dick,” and it made your thang look like corned beef. Nowadays, we just eat the corned beef because that shit tastes good as long as you don’t think about dicks. And shamrocks? We all know Patrick liked to fire up a little of that sticky green–who doesn’t?!–and it don’t get stickier or greener than some hydroponic Irish shamrocks. Oooooweeee! That shit is the fire, yo! I ain’t even playin’ with ya…I mean, uh, that’s what I’ve heard. Travis don’t smoke the green no mo’.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, so Patrick did this preachin’ and convertifyin’ in Ireland for, like, 30 years and then he retired. He died on March 17, so that’s why this date was made into a holiday. And that’s the story of St. Patrick’s Day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my “Suck Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt and go suckerpunch some old ladies.

It is not much of an exaggeration to say that I have seen Pulp Fiction at least 500 times. My freshman-year roommate had a copy (VHS, baby!) stolen from Blockbuster, which we watched almost daily for that entire year, and I’ve continued to watch it more frequently than any other movie over the past decade. I am reasonably sure this says something about me, but I’m not sure what it is.¹

Anyway…I mention this as background because, by this point, you’d think nothing could surprise me in that film. You’d be wrong.

So, here’s the deal. When the guy who looks somewhat like Jerry Seinfeld comes out of the bathroom and shoots at Vince and Jules, why in the hell did he have that gun in the bathroom with him in the first place?

Hear me out–clearly, Brett and “Flock of Seagulls” were not expecting Marsellus’ guys to show up at that instant, as they were enjoying Big Kahuna Burgers² and just otherwise chilling. Seagulls was lying on the couch and, one assumes, did not have a gun within easy reach. Brett, likewise, was seemingly unarmed. The look of terror on both of their faces suggests that, had they been expecting a visit from Jules and Vince, they would certainly have been armed and ready to shoot for their lives. I mean, Brett seems to know from the moment Marvin opens the door that he is probably going to die. If you had ripped off a crime kingpin and were expecting hitmen to show up and kill you, would you be more likely to sit and eat burgers or arm yourself and prepare to shoot back?

Besides, on top of the surprise factor, you have the size of the gun. It was, as Vincent pointed out, “a goddamned hand cannon.” Such a gun is not the type that someone would have cavalierly tucked in his waistband, nor was he wearing a holster. So basically, logic dictates that he either picked up the gun and carried into the bathroom or the gun was already in the bathroom. Neither of these situations really makes sense to me. On the one hand, if Brett and Seagulls were not expecting Vince and Jules to arrive, there’s no reason to think Guy in Bathroom would have suspected it enough to carry a large handgun into the crapper. Likewise, I can see no reason why that gun would already be in the bathroom considering the people out in the living room did not have guns within easy reach.

By now, you are probably thinking “what the hell does this have to do with football?” Simple: I had been blindly accepting the situation as it was presented to me, when I should have been considering the context. Because, once you consider the context, some things that seem to make sense really don’t.³

Which brings me (finally) to the draft.

Over the past days and weeks, many people have come to grips with the idea that the Texans are probably taking a CB with the 18th pick in the draft. On the surface, where you have an injured Dunta Robinson; a horrid Petey Faggins; a possibly-horrid Jacques Reeves; and are relying on a second-year corner and a veteran sex machine safety, it would seem logically sound to take a corner and hope to improve your atrocious secondary. It would seem that way until you really consider the context.

Right now, you can easily claim that our holes on defense are NT, DE2, CB2, SLB, and (possibly) SS. Of those holes, CB2 is the one where we have already spent the most cap space this offseason, albeit on a guy who might not be able to cover me for 4 seconds. Does it make sense to use your draft pick on a guy who play the same position as the guy you just overpaid for?

But that’s not even the biggest issue.

The fact is, a great defensive line can make a suspect secondary look average to good for multiple games in a season. A fantastic secondary can make an average D-line look good a couple times per game. Partly, this is because of the nature of the rules that allow WRs to play virtually untouched. But it is also due in no small part to the logistics of what the positions are asked to do. Your defensive line exists to get to the QB (or RB), correct? Well, they know where the QB is going to be once the ball is snapped. Defensive backs, on the other hand, are asked to cover someone with no clue as to where he is going or what path he will take to get there. This means that even the best CBs are going to get beat on a long enough timeline. SO–and I know you see where I am going with this–you can improve your secondary just as much by drastically shortening the length of time you ask them to cover as by upgrading your cornerbacks.

Hell, this year’s Super Bowl Champion New York Giants are an embodiment of this principle. Their monster defensive line was able to consistently get pressure on opposing QBs. Because of this, the Giants were able to survive with subpar linebackers (Pierce is a good player, but his main strength is in leadership and getting the D set correctly; Mitchell is a smart player and a sure tackler but is nothing special; and Torbor is notably below average, but tough) and an average defensive backfield. Corey Webster looks like he turned it around, but he still isn’t very good yet. Aaron Ross looked very good for a rookie, but Gibril Wilson is at best good (in terms of skills he’s probably comparable to a healthy Will Demps, maybe very slightly better) and James Butler more or less stinks.

Yet, despite having a back seven that was basically average, the Giants defense looked absolutely dominant at times–including against the Patriots–because they were able to get after opposing QBs on a regular basis. This is not a novel concept, really. And, given the choice, I would almost always rather go into a season with three great defensive lineman than with 2 great defensive linemen and a great DB. And, hell, with Ryans and Greenwood behind a line similar to the Giants, even Petey Faggins would seem decent at cornerback.

*Pauses to consider the implications of that last sentence. Shudders.*

WHICH (finally) brings me to my bigger point. Namely that, if we are drafting defense in the first round or third round, we should be looking for a defensive tackle or a speedy defensive end or–shockingly–both. I mean, clearly someone in Texans management thought that Reeves could play or else they wouldn’t have signed him. You want to make that signing make sense? Then put together a front four that can limit how long he has to cover. The kid has fantastic speed, but his instincts and coverage skills are not all that amazing. Ask him to cover for 2.5 seconds instead of 4.5 and his speed/quickness should be able to overcome his technique/skills. Unless, that is, someone thought it prudent to give $8MM guaranteed for a nickel corner. Which I choose to believe no one in our front office is stupid enough to do.

[Author's note: I realize that some of this--ok, fine, much of this--is a rehashing of the philosophy I've been espousing since the end of the season. I was pushing for a NT at that time and, for the most part, my position hasn't changed. I have only amended it to say that I would be nearly as happy with a solid DE and that the only CB I would be willing to change my opinion for would be the mutant Rodgers-Cromartie.]

Who, then, should we be looking at? I’m glad you asked. Two names that immediately jump out to me are Brian Johnston and Kentwan Balmer.

Last one first, let’s take a look at Balmer, since most of you have probably heard of him. A 6-5, 308 DT out of UNC, Balmer posted 59 tackles (33 solos), including 3.5 sacks, 9.5 TFL, and four quarterback pressures. Balmer was solid against the run in general, allowing 1.69 yards/carry on his 55 running stops. The one knock I would have against him is that he is about 15 lbs lighter (minimum) than I would like out of my NT, but that is countered by the fact that he is strong (33 reps) and explosive (29 in. vertical jump). Even better for our purposes, Balmer is currently projected to go in the late first/early second, meaning he should be available at 18. Speaking of that 18th pick, I think even if most teams have Balmer slotted at 25-30, we should be willing to reach a little if we find a guy we really want because of the lack of a second rounder.

The other guy I mentioned, Brian Johnston, might be unfamiliar to many of you. That’s what happens when you go to Gardner-Webb and don’t get a combine invite. Of course, after reading about his tryout in front of some NFL scouts, maybe he should have been invited.

Measuring in at 6-foot-5, 274 pounds, Johnston ran his first 40-yard dash in 4.66 seconds. Johnston’s 40-yard dash time would have been the fourth best at the NFL combine for defensive ends, and the best for any lineman weighing more than 260 pounds.

Johnston’s most impressive stat from the 40-yard dash came with a very strong 1.51-second time through the first 10 yards, an important time with regards to a players quickness. By comparison, Johnston’s 10-yard split was the same as Arkansas’ running back Darren McFadden turned in at the Combine earlier this year.

The most impressive result overall, however, may have been Johnston’s time in the 20-yard shuttle. He turned in a 4.18-second time, which is better than any lineman at the NFL’s Scouting Combine. In fact, the 4.18-second time was faster than any running back at the event - with Illinois’ Rashard Mendenhall the only back to match that time.

So, yeah…I’d say he fits the definition of a speed-rushing DE. Now, I know some of you are likely saying “ACK! Workout warrior from a small school! Babin! BABIN!!!” That’s fair. But let’s not forget that Babin was a college 4-3 DE drafted to play OLB in an NFL 3-4. Going forward was never a problem for him; it was sideline to sideline and dropping into TE coverage that killed him. In Johnston’s case, you would be drafting a college 4-3 DE speed-rusher to play NFL 4-3 DE speed-rusher. And, because Mario and Okoye occupy the extra blockers, he’d be going one-on-one with o-linemen most of the time. That’s always nice when you are lightning-fast.

ANYWAY, I am just spitballing here. If the word around the campfire is to be believed, we will take someone like Aqib Talib at 18 and then a RB in the third. And I’ll deal with it, even if I don’t think it is the right approach. And, hell, maybe I get kinda lucky and we take Talib (or whomever) in the first but still snag Johnston in the third. Regardless, until Draft Day, I am just going to keep doing my best to shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness.⁴

¹ That’s not entirely true. I think it says that I liked the movie when it was (a) popular, (b) cliched, (c) ironic, and (d) suggestive that I am getting old.

² That IS a tasty burger!

³ On the flip-side, some things that seem utterly inexplicable–say, the selection of Mario Williams over Reggie Bush–make perfect sense once you consider the context. While some things–say, the popularity of Mambo No. 5–remain inexplicable regardless of how much you ponder them.

⁴ And to not shoot Marvin in the face.

Resident rocket surgeon Travis Johnson was fined $5000 by the NFL Friday for his ridiculous late hits last Sunday. The “normal” fine for such two-foul situations is $7500, but the league ruled that the first late hit was an incorrect call. (Meaning they ignored that the entire play happened completely in Travis’ line of sight and there was no possible way he could have thought the play was still live.) They also chose to ignore the blatant helmet-to-helmet hit that Johnson delivered in between the two penalties and for which he was not flagged. Lame.

Johnson offered his own erudite opinion on the matter.

I didn’t go out there to purposely hurt anybody, I am just out there playing hard.

For the moment, I’ll take him at his word. After all, one would like to believe that no NFL player is intentionally delivering cheap shots. Johnson continued:

I was in the air when the whistle blew. You win some, and you lose some.

Wait…what? You lying sack of donkey turd! I just went back and watched the hit. Not only were you not “in the air” when it happened, you took at least one extra step toward the ball carrier after the play was obviously completed AND you lowered your head to the point that you’d have to have an IQ of about 8 to not realize you were hitting a man when he was on the ground! Besides, just like the Manning play, this one was right in front of you, yet you took two-and-a-half steps after the point where Fletcher was obviously going down. You sir, are as classless as Albert Haynesworth, but without any sort of performance that would make us swallow our pride and accept your stupidity as the price for having your stellar play.

Despite the fact that Kubes said he liked your effort and intensity, I still hold out hope that they will change the locks while you are out one day and not give you a new key. Don’t make me get my girl, Durga, on the line. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.

(h/t to Texans Tail Gate for the link)

Tim beat me to the punch on this, but Adimchinobi Echemandu was cut by the Texans yesterday, ending my dream that he would become the new Nigerian Nightmare.

While the official reason given was that the team needed to cut someone to make room for DelJuan Robinson (more on him in a minute), the fact remains that there had to be some underlying reason for why Joe E. was the person chosen. One can only assume that either Kubiak never got past Joe’s back-to-back performances against Oakland and New Orleans (2 carries for 6 yards, then 1 carry for 2 yards and a fumble lost) or the team is completely committed to using Darius Walker the rest of the way in order to evaluate him.

Either way, I can live with the decision. After all, this was a guy that we signed out of absolutely nowhere and those kinds of players rarely get mulligans. Besides, it’s not like he bounced back after that New Orleans game–in two more games he had 7 carries for 15 yards. Walker, on the other hand, is averaging 3.7 yards per carry and has 13 catches for 81 yards in his three games of action. Now, the pessimists–of whom I am a charter member–will point out that Walker showed last week that he lacks the speed to be a true number one back in the and that he would be best suited as a 3rd-down back, so an evaluation of his “long-term potential” is rather pointless. (The numbers certainly support this: he ran a 4.56 and a 4.57 at the NFL Combine; for the sake of comparison, Najeh Davenport ran a 4.44 at his Combine. Davenport also pooped in a hamper, which has nothing to do with Darius Walker but is still worth mentioning.) While this may be true, I think the general consensus was that Echemandu was not going to be the answer, regardless of how Walker did or did not pan out. Fair enough.

All of this overlooks the main reason I was high on Echemandu from the start. Namely, that a certain cousin of his is arguably the best or second-best cover corner in the NFL and can opt out of his contract at the end of the season. I was hoping that some family ties might have made it easier to entice him. With the emergence of Fred Bennett, however, and assuming that Dunta Robinson will be back and be 100% at some point next year, then giving Nate-Clements-money to Nnamdi Asomugha is probably not the highest best use of our free agent dollars (see, e.g., Pat Williams, Alan Faneca, Jared Allen, Demorrio Williams…)

Which sorta segues into DelJuan Robinson. The Second-team All-SEC tackle was undrafted out of Mississippi State, primarily due to a knee injury that limited his senior season to 8 games. In those 8 games, he had 12.5 tackles for a loss, which was fifth-best in the SEC. At MSU’s Pro Day, Robinson ran a 5.07 40, a 2.88 20, and put up 23 reps on the bench. He was part of the group of undrafted free agents that the Texans signed in May, was released by the team at the end of August, and was signed to the practice squad shortly thereafter. Because defensive line was the one place that didn’t turn into a M*A*S*H unit, Robinson had not gotten a shot at the active roster. Until now.

But let me ask you this: if you are the front office and you have four healthy defensive tackles, one of whom is retarded, but have injuries throughout your linebacking corps, secondary, and offensive line, why would you activate another defensive tackle? The only answer I can come up with is “because we are washing our hands of the retarded guy.” If that’s the case, it makes sense to see if Deljuan can play and let Travis languish until the time comes to set him free. (If they make Johnson a June 1 casualty next year–either by cutting him then or cutting him prior to that date but designating him as one of the two June 1s allowable under the CBA–there will be a cap hit of almost $2.5MM in 2008 and 2009 as opposed to a $5MM hit in 2008 if they cut him right now just to make a point). Besides, they might be able to convince Cincinnati that Travis would fit right in on their roster and get something in trade for him.

So while I might have had high hopes for him, if you are telling me we had to sacrifice Joe Echemandu to get rid of Travis Johnson…well, that’s a deal I’d make any day of the week.