Kickoff - “Oh, yeah, we are supposed to do these morning posts” Edition
Nov 19, 2008 2008 Season, Anger, Antwaun > Petey, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Boobies, Damn it, Fire Richard Smith, Kickoff, Vince Young can't read this post
Signs Your Season Is Not Going Well No. 232203: People are writing wire service stories entitled “Somebody stick a fork in the Texans.” Better idea–somebody stick a fork deep inside Richard Smith’s skull. And then twist it around. And then pee on him. /anger issues
Now, to distract you with boobies.
Random Thought: People who are Titans fans only because Vince Young was drafted by the Titans should all be stabbed in the face. You root for a draft pick bust and get rewarded with the second-best team in the NFL right now? Fuck you to death, asshole.
Scout. It was nice of the Plain Dealer to write up a real scouting report and not mention Sage sucking, us sucking generally on the road, or any of the myriad other flaws they could have found. Hey, Antwaun Molden went to a local high school! Huzzah!
Finally. More cheerleaders!
About Lasterday
Sep 8, 2008 2008 Season, Andre Johnson, Anthony Weaver is a thief, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Curious Coaching, Damn it, DeMeco Ryans, Hi Steve!, Morlon Greenwood, Super Mario
Alt. post title: “Chainsaw Sodomy”
So, I suppose I have to say something about the game. Something more than “well, fuck,” I mean.
At the same time, there’s really not much to say that hasn’t been said. We played like shit, especially in the secondary and on the o-line. We let the back-to-back bad calls on the ball spot demoralize us. Schaub looked indecisive, slow to deliver, and (apparently) blind to the colors black and yellow. (He should see an optometrist about that.)
Before we pour salt into those wounds, however, let us see if I can come up with five positives from the contest:
1. Mario Williams. If last year’s 10 sacks in the last six games didn’t sway you, Mario’s dominance against a team that was holding the entire rest of our defense in check should. Two sacks, a forced fumble, and a team-high six tackles? He’s good.
2. DeMeco Ryans and Andre Johnson. You’ve gotta love two pros who, despite the fact that most of the team isn’t giving ANY effort and despite the score, continue to play their balls off until the end. Johnson was more or less unstoppable. Too bad Schaub never had the time to really exploit this.
3. Steve Slaton. I know that his average wasn’t that great, but dude ran hard, was not afraid of contact or to run between the tackles, and showed no hesitation in making his cut and going. If he’s not the starter soon, I’ll be shocked.
4. It’s only week 1. There’s a good chance that we will not face a more physical team all year than the Pittsburgh Steelers. There’s an equally good chance that our staff (sans Richard Smith) is smart enough to see where we sucked and try to make some adjustments (more on that in a bit). To get that winning record, we just have to go 9-6 now instead of 9-7. Not the end of the world. I think.
5. No injuries. For as bad as the game was, at least we escaped intact. Watching the debacle unfold, I was struck by how, had this game happened last year, at least four players would likely have wound up broken in half. [Update: After I wrote this, I heard from Chris that Ahman Green is injured. Big fucking deal.]
Enough with the Pollyanna bullshit. For every one good thing above, there are at least five bad things that happened. The ones that really stuck out were:
1. The Playcalling. This goes for offense and defense. Now, I suppose the latter is not surprising, as Richard Smith’s play selection was a topic of much anger and despair around here for all of the 2007 season (save, possibly, for two or three games in November). The former, however, did surprise me. If Shannahan can’t call a game better than that, maybe Gary needs to take control of that side of the ball for good. There was none of the explosiveness that we saw in the early part of last season. While some of that is because Schaub was pestered all day long by Harrison and Woodley, that doesn’t explain all of it. There was no attempt to run outside zone at all that I noticed, there were FAR too many short passes on third down, etc., etc., etc.
2. The Secondary. Holy Christ On Rollerskates, they were atrocious. The Fred might want to double-check and see if the equipment guy packed his jockstrap because Fred got shaken out of it early in the day. Reeves was bad, but actually not quite as bad as he’d been in the preseason (though it would have been nice if he had the hands to snag that fumble before it went out of bounds). But the safeties…if they were any worse, we’d have been better off playing with 9 defensive players. Demps looked slow and C.C. looked soft. I am with SOLIS here–we should move Demps to SS (he’s better moving forward and playing the run anyway) and let Eugene Wilson try his hand at FS. No other move really makes sense (until Dunta comes back, that is.)
3. All LBs whose names do not rhyme with ReMeco Dyans. Morlon Greenwood…dude…do you have any idea how big of an asshole you are making me look like? How could you have seemingly aged five years since January? Why are you ALWAYS out of position? Does it bother you that teams are throwing and running right at you now? C’mon, dude. And Zac, you weren’t necessarily awful, but you sure didn’t do anything to make me say “well, at least HE came to play today.”
4. The Offensive Line. Wow. Kung Fu Panda was brutal, but I am almost willing to give him a pass, as asking a rookie to hold James Harrison in check all day in his first start is a suicide mission from the outset. Eric Winston, I am not as willing to let you slide—you just got fat dollars from the team, yet you looked like you were trying to be a matador out there. Don’t gimme this “ole!” bullshit. Chris Myers, you might not want to let yourself get thrown into the running back. That could be a sign that you just got owned.
5. Matt Schaub. Yes, I know, he had little time to throw. When he did have time, however, he looked scared, he looked like a certain other Texans QB who had no mental clock for when to get rid of the ball, and he looked right past the Steelers defenders who might stand between him and his intended target. And what the fuck was that red zone throw that hit the goddamned crossbar?!? Who was supposed to catch that, Matthew?! Also, I know you love Andre Johnson. We all do. But you might want to look around a little bit from time to time so you don’t miss Vonta Leach so wideopen that he could have moonwalked into the fucking endzone.
There are plenty more, including 3/4ths of the defensive line, but you get the gist by the now.
*deep breath*
OK…all that said, I am not yet ready to panic. All of the bad spots can be fixed (or, in the case of the secondary, at least patched up and made to look decent) and we still have Baltimore coming up next week. They are like Pittsburgh (3-4 defense, surprisingly mobile QB) without all the good stuff (defensive speed, talent at WR). On top of that, the Jags were bad in every area I suggested they’d be bad this year and the Colts looked pretty exposed when faced with a team that was willing to throw under the Tampa-2 all day. Besides, the BE-SFs are without their intangibly great QB for 4-6 weeks (don’t buy into that 2-4 week bullshit) and will either suck while he’s gone or face the mother of all QB controversies. Life could be much, much worse.
I think.
Oh, as a final note, there is a difference between being a fan, being an internet troll, and just being an obtuse douchebag. Suffice it to say Beans Carter falls squarely into this last category. Apparently the Titans are the class of the AFC and the Texans are the worst team in football. Or something along those lines. It’s always so hard to decipher stupidity.
God hates Arkansas; loves Texans fans
Apr 4, 2008 2008 Season, Babies rule, Damn it, Fuck the Cowboys, Self-Referential Stuff, Shit, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Well, I have to admit, I TOTALLY didn’t see that coming. The tornado, I mean. One minute, I am nearly asleep in bed (naked, of course) and, the next, I am hiding in the bathroom with the family as a tornado roars overhead. Once it passed, I went outside and surveyed the damage–lots of trees down, a ruptured gas main that was spewing natural gas, and lots of general carnage. We walked to a friend’s house a couple blocks away and got a ride to the mother-in-law’s house (I honestly would rather have slept in the yard, breathing natural gas).
ANYWAY…we went back this morning to really take stock of what happened. Long story short, God smote the neighbors while sparing me and mine. The only conclusion I can draw is that he happens to read this blog and didn’t want me to die, though, honestly, I think we can all agree that BFD brings way more to the party these days than I do. I took some pictures of the destruction, too, so we can all be entertained. Oh, and to answer your question, the new smoker and the big TV are totally fine.
Here is the neighbor’s kitchen. According to him, the whole house shifted on the foundation, too. He is a Cowboys fan, though, so he probably deserved this.
Here is the adjacent neighbor’s work trailer. “Suck it,” says God.
This rental car did not come standard with a roof tree. That was an aftermarket add-on. I think it brings out the paint job nicely.
Arkansas Bonsai Tree.
This is our one little spot of damage. Had it fallen differently, it would have smashed into my bedroom and mangled shit. Instead, it’s a flesh wound, giving the house some street cred. Yes, Jesus loves meeee…
These used to be upright. And that piece of the sidewalk was flat. I think I liked both better that way. Then again, I have never had much of an eye for decorating.
My car is doing its impression of Trent Green’s brain.
2200 lbs. of tornado-proof steel. God bless Texas(-made products).
You see disaster; I see a clear chunk of southern sky that will let me get DirecTV before football season starts. Life gives you lemons, you throw those suckers at someone and laugh.
Perhaps the funniest part of this whole thing was, as the tornado was passing overhead, the baby slept right through it. In the end, nothing I like got damaged, I have a cool story, and my football watching is improved. I think I kinda like tornadoes.
A Pre-cap of All the Stories You’ll Read About Sean Taylor in the Next Week
Nov 27, 2007 2003 Draft, Colts Shmolts, Damn it, Fatty Starbucks, National Media, Non-Texan stuff, Pro Bowl 2008
By now, everyone has heard about the murder of Sean Taylor. While this event is completely out of left field, the media coverage of it will not be. Thus, I present the following NOT to make light of Taylor’s death–I honestly do feel bad for his family and friends–but to make light of the preposterously predictable nature of the media. If, in so doing, I seem slightly insensitive, I apologize. Still, you know DGDB&D well enough to know there are no sacred cows.
“This is a tragedy that really puts the non-importance of football into perspective.” by Mike Lupica
“Taylor’s death shows us how quickly everything can be taken away.” by Peter King
“This is a logical conclusion to the embracing of the “hip hop” lifestyle.” by Skip Bayless
“How does Taylor’s death affect Tony Romo’s love life?” by Matt Mosely
“If this were Pacman Jones, you could blame it on the “hip hop” lifestyle, but Sean Taylor was not a part of that. He had left the bad boy image behind.” by Jeffrey Chadiha
“This is racial. People would be screaming for the killer to be brought to justice if this were Brett Favre.” by Jason Whitlock
“Sean Taylor’s murder is not unlike the death of INSERT FAMOUS ATHLETE HERE.” by Bill Simmons
“The Redskins are dedicating the remainder of their season to Taylor, but where do they go from here?” by Jason La Canfora
“This shows the foresight in Roger Goodell’s zero-tolerance policy, but he needs to be more strict and ban for life any player within 20 yards of a crime.” by Rick Reilly
“Would Sean Taylor have been a Hall of Famer if this didn’t happen?” by Football Outsiders
“It should have been you, Peyton Manning.” by Matt Campbell
Shit.
Oct 22, 2007 Damn it, Fuck, I hate everything, Shit
Recap coming. Plus a rant about people who suck. Eventually.
Fuck.
