DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Back among the living. As noted here and elsewhere, the list of the dearly departed will be read in a solemn service on Texans TV at 3:30 CST today.  In that vein, here’s my predicted roster (based on the roster makeup of the past few seasons):

QB: Matt Schaub, Sage Rosenfels
RB: Ahman Green, Steve Slaton, Vonta Leach, Chris Taylor, Darius Walker¹
WR: Andre Johnson, Kevin Walter, Andre Davis, Jacoby Jones, David Anderson
TE: Owen Daniels, Mark Bruener, Joel Dreessen
OL: Eric Winston, Kasey Studdard, Mike Brisiel, Chester Pitts, Duane Brown, Chris Myers, Chris White, Ephraim Salaam, Brandon Frye, Greg Eslinger²

DL: Mario Williams, Travis Johnson, Amobi Okoye, Anthony Weaver, Frank Okam, Earl Cochran, Tim Bulman, Deljuan Robinson, Rosevelt Colvin³, Gabe Long
LB: DeMeco Ryans, Zac Diles, Morlon Greenwood, Xavier Adibi, Kevin Bentley, Chaun Thompson⁴
CB: Fred Bennett, Jacques Reeves, Antwaun Molden, Jamar Fletcher, Petey Faggins⁵
S: Will Demps, Glenn Earl, Brandon Harrison⁶, C.C. Brown

P: Matt Turk
K: Kris Brown
LS: Brian Pittman⁷

¹I think the carrying of three TEs rather than four, plus the inherent brittleness of Ahman Green might save Darius Walker’s job.

²I would not be the least bit surprised if Rashad Butler got Eslinger’s spot.

³Could EASILY wind up being Kalu rather than Colvin, given the latter’s “play” this preseason, but I think they’ll give Rosey a chance in the regular season.

⁴I’m actually bummed about losing Ben Moffit and Kevis Coley, but I am guessing at least one gets on the PS.  Also…I…I…um…Morlon…well, you know.

⁵SHIT.

⁶Dominique Barber to PS.

⁷Seriously, Bulman and Dreessen can long snap.  Why is Bryan Pittman eating up space?

Why hast thou forsaken me? Speaking of Petey fucking Faggins, I’m beginning to suspect he has made a deal with the devil or something.  After all, how do you explain his inspired (for him) first half?

BFD offered to tutor her in fluid dynamics, but she declined.  Strange-but-true fact—Texans Cheerleader Summer is an aerospace engineer for NASA.

In a move that is likely to make stacy’s head explode, BE-SF fans voted Earl Campbell their greatest player ever.

Now, say what you will about how they kept the Oilers name/records/etc. Once you CHANGE NAMES in a NEW STATE, all bets are off as far as holding on to the past. You can keep the Oilers as part of your franchise timeline, but you CANNOT lump Earl in as the greatest Titan ever…BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER A TITAN. To claim otherwise makes you an absolute fuckrag. No one likes a fuckrag, man.

To those who will say “but it was for the greatest Oiler/Titan ever,” I call bullshit.  The team (or, more accurately, it’s sodomite owner) wanted out of Houston.  Fine.  And, honestly, had they remained the Oilers this whole time, even the choosing of Earl Campbell would be justified, if slightly dirty.  But they didn’t.  They shitcanned the city of Houston, then punted the team name a short time later—basically, they started fresh without having to waste years as an expansion team. And, in doing so, they offended 95% of the Oilers fanbase.

Was Earl Campbell the greatest Oiler ever?  Of course.  Was he the greatest player ever owned by Bud Adams?  Of course.  Did he have a single goddamned thing to do with the state of Tennessee or the Titans?  Nope.  And I bet he’s happy about that.

Besides, to hear some of you BE-SF fans tell it, shouldn’t Vince Young have won this vote hands down?

To no one’s surprise, Reggie Bush has begged out of Saturday’s game against the Texans due to an, ahem, “knee injury.”

Coach Sean Payton said that “Poor Reggie has been crying during walkthroughs all week.  We had to assign Richard Justice to follow him and clean his accidental piddles.  We believe it best for all parties that he sit out this week’s games.  The little fellow just can’t face Mario again.”*

Bush is expected to be healthy for the third preseason game and contribute his stellar 1.9 YPC to the offense.

* May or may not be true

…aaaaand, we’re back!

Back from where, you ask?  Well, for the first time since Sophia was born back in February, my wife and I were able to escape for a kidless vacation this past weekend.  And how better to spend a romantic weekend than in Houston, eating Mexican food, listening to live music, and watching your Houston JUGGERNAUT in action?

Speaking of live music, if you’ve never seen Billy Joe Shaver in concert, do yourself a favor and make that happen.  The man is a living legend (he wrote 90% of Waylon Jennings’ Honkytonk Heroes album as well as songs for the Allman Brothers, Jerry Jeff Walker, and Bobby Bare) and, even better, completely out of his mind.  He spent two songs explaining how to throw a punch, one song trying to kick a woman in the head, and at least two songs flapping his arms like he was going to fly.  But, regardless, the show was fantastic.  And I defy you to show me another 69-year-old performer who comes on at 11PM and plays until well after 1AM.

Other thoughts about the game and the weekend in general:

• First off, huge thanks to Tim and his better half for taking us to the game and just generally showing us a good time around Houston.  A+ effort as always.
• A separate thank you to Tim’s dad for giving us the tickets.
• He got close last year, but this is going to be the season that Mario Williams makes all the doubters feel silly.  You wouldn’t think he could look appreciably better than he did last year, but you would be wrong.  On one play, Mario shoved Ryan Clady (all 325 lbs of him) back about six feet and snared Selvin Young with one hand, bringing the RB down for a two-yard loss.  The funny thing was Clady was in proper to position to block Mario—he had his butt low and was squared up correctly—yet Mario just flung him out of the way as if he was nothing.
• DeMeco Ryans is very, very good.  This is not news.  What is news, however, is that he seems to have found another gear as well, as he was disrupting plays in the backfield with surprising regularity during the first two series.
• Ninfa’s is really, really good.  It’s so good, in fact, that every time I eat there, I refuse to eat Mexican food in Little Rock for months afterward.
• Is there some reason Jacques Reeves was giving a five- to seven-yard cushion to the slot WRs?  Because I can’t figure out what it would be.  I mean, his one asset is speed, right?  So shouldn’t he play a little closer, knowing that he can keep up stride-for-stride?  Someone needs to answer this.
• Will Demps looks very good in run support.  He is one of five Texans who can claim that praise following Sunday’s game.
• Petey Faggins made one tackle where, before I realized it was him, I said “wow…great hit!”  Then I felt dirty and started to question my own existence.  Thankfully, Faggins then completely lost outside contain on Anthony Aldridge’s run, turning a 4-yard loss into a 19-yard gain.  All was immediately right with the world.
• In other news, Petey tackles very well when he is hitting a stopped receiver from the side.
• Contrary to what some random ‘tards will tell you, there is no QB controversy, nor should there be one.  Matt Schaub looked fantastic on his first four throws and the timing route he fired to Andre Davis was a throw that (a) Zoolander never could have made and (b) our offense has rarely, if ever, featured before.  Schaub threw it to Davis’ back shoulder and the ball was halfway there before Davis ever made his turn.  It is obviously something they’ve been working on, though, as Andre knew without a doubt where the ball would be when he broke.  Impressive as hell.  That throw is also why I think Matt forced the fifth throw into coverage—he’s apparently been working with Davis on a lot of short routes and precision throws and he’s comfortable throwing to Andre regardless of the situation.  Was it a bad throw?  Of course.  It was into triple coverage and David Anderson was open to the left.  But it was an understandable early-season mistake.
• Speaking of QBs, Sage Rosenfels did look good, especially on the throw to Anderson.  But what apparently doesn’t come across on television (as I haven’t seen anyone talking about it) is that Sage has a serious case of happy feet back there.  Oh, sure, he’s nails and he will stay in and keep his eyes downfield, but his footwork is pretty bad.  He made that very nice throw to Jacoby Jones, but he was practically dancing in place before he launched it.  And I can’t recall him stepping up into the pocket much at all.
• Good news!  There was actually a pocket the QBs could have stepped into.  I am already prepared to admit that I was wrong on Duane Brown; that kid looked fantastic Saturday night.  His footwork was nearly flawless, his technique was solid, and he used his hands very well.  Ephraim Salaam just got Wally Pipped, I do believe.
• I am going to tell myself that the injury to Louis Green and the ensuing five-minute delay took the steam out of our drive and that is why they had to settle for a field goal.  I am telling myself this and you can’t convince me otherwise.
• Remember not that long ago when Chris pointed out that Ahman Green’s 2007 injury was hardly a fluke—it was a straight-on hit to the knee, which happens to all running backs multiple times per year?  Well, you know, AT LEAST IT WAS A HIT!!!!  Seriously, you are going to hurt yourself on the VERY FIRST PLAY OF THE YEAR without so much as the defense getting a hand on you?  Really?  Honestly?  I don’t think I am alone in saying that I am fine with the team taking the cap hit and giving Green his walking limping papers.
• Cadillac Bar’s brunch buffet is fan-friggin’-tastic.  It is doubly great when you have 5 or 6 mimosas.  What’s that, you say?  Mimosas are lame?  Good sir, the fact that I am allowed to drink alcohol with breakfast without drawing scorn from others is far from lame.  Plus, you know…vitamin C.  No scurvy for me!
• Was it just me, or did it seem like Morlon Greenwood was trying to make me look like a jerk?  I spend two friggin’ weeks defending the guy and arguing that he’s way better than we give him credit for being and…um…wow.  He was horrid Saturday night.  No one should get owned like that on a Jay Cutler run, yet Morlon did.  And he was abused in the short passing game as well.  NOT GOOD, MORLON.
• Thanks to Lee, stacy, and grungedave recommending breakfast spots.  We tried to go to The Breakfast Klub on Saturday, but the line was around the block.
• The more I think about it, the less problem I have with Jacoby’s second punt return.  Granted, he did everything wrong—he ran backward, he changed directions too many times, he waited too long to switch hands—but he also juked past at least five would-be tacklers and, at the moment he fumbled, was about six inches from beating the last guy and taking that punt to the house.  No, I don’t want to see him doing that again, but I love that he is still that confident in the return game.  That’s the swagger we saw last year until he was destroyed by Hunter Smith.  Just hold on to the ball, son!
• Steve Slaton has ridiculous speed, but could get knocked over by a stiff breeze.  There were three plays where if he had made a real move or ran with a little more power, he could have made something big happen.  On both of the runs, he got arm-tackled by the last possible defender and, on the pass play, he thought he could juke an NFL lineman with nothing more than a head bob.  This ain’t Rutgers, man.
• The interior line of the future, aka Amobi Okoye and Frank Okam, really impressed me.  Amobi blew up a running play early and seemed to be playing with a better motor than at this point last season.  Big Frank annihilated two blockers and blew up a running play of his own late in the game.  Frank is still raw, no doubt about that, but he did nothing to lower my expectations of him.
• Why is food so much cheaper in Houston than in Little Rock?  I don’t get it.
• Dear Travis Johnson, Please stop diving late into piles just to “prove” that you are playing with intensity.  It’s stupid and it is going to cost us yards at some point.  In fact, why don’t you do us all a favor and just leave?  Love, Matt.
• David Anderson: Helluva game from the worst dancer in the history of the world.  I agree with Tim’s assessment, however, that we might have the best receiving corps in the NFL top to bottom.  We definitely have one of the fastest.
• I have no opinion on Chris Taylor getting the bulk of the carries.  Whether it is to see just we he has to offer or simply to keep the other people healthy, I am fine with it.  I would like it, however, if he could actually get 4 or 5 yards/carry in these games.  Whatever.
• Zac Diles: A+.
• OH…I almost forgot to mention this, but Kevin Bentley looks…how can I say this…FAT.  Not at all what I expected from ol’ LVJ.  When he came out for special teams work, he was hopping up and down to loosen up, and you could see a gut jiggling.  NOT COOL, Kevin.  Do you want to lose the bet?  Is that it?!?!
• Did anyone see Antwaun Molden?  Because I didn’t notice him at all.  Also, could we verify that Tim Bulman and Rosie Colvin were actually at the game?
• And, finally, though I already mentioned it once, it bears repeating that Mario Williams is an absolute man.  Be afriad, AFC South.  Be very afraid.

So, in the comments to this post, Steph (echoed by Lee) asked:

Uh, I don’t know why you love Morlon Greenwood so much. He gets a lot of tackles, (after the offensive player drags him a little bit). He has one of the largest salaries on the team, and I don’t see him even as a average linebacker in the league. Heck, some might make the argument that he isn’t even above the average for linebackers on this team.
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I know you heart MG, and I’m only bringing this up to have a discussion of it because I’ve never understood your Greenwood love.
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Is it just the stats? Or are you seeing something in his play that is not as obvious as what you see with DeMeco. Ryans gets fat stats, but his play is so obviously outstanding when you watch it.

First things first, I want to make clear that I am not alone in my love for Morlon, nor in my assertion that he is incredibly underrated.  Along with a penchant for drinking too much, our appreciation for Greenwood is one of the things Tim and I have in common.  From BRB:

Morlon Greenwood is the most underrated defensive player in the NFL.  That’s right.  I said it.

I’ve been trying to analogize another player in MLB or the NBA to better describe the lack of credit Morlon Greenwood receives despite his stellar play.  Greenwood’s body of work this season clearly screams Pro Bowl, but he’s got no chance of actually getting a ticket to Honolulu. I’m stumped.

Morlon Greenwood was so ridiculously good yesterday (13 tackles and a sack) that he gets to be first.  Frankly, he played like DeMeco Ryans.  Which was good, because DeMeco was hampered by a bum knee and didn’t have his typical impact.  Greenwood was all over the field throughout the entire afternoon.  I’ve noted before that Morlon was quietly having a great year, though he has about as much chance as getting to Honolulu in February as I do.  In light of that, he’ll have to settle for this:  His effort against the Bucs was about as good as a linebacker can play.

Not that agreement between two idiot bloggers is dispositive of the issue, mind you.  I just wanted to make clear that I am not making stuff up or living in some hallucinogenic haze. Well, at least not with respect to the Jamaican Destroyer.  (Yes, I just made up that nickname.)

So, what makes Morlon so good?

First, Greenwood has fantastic instincts.  Not just, “oh, he’s a smart football player” type instincts, but more “damn, this dude always seems to be in the right place at the right time.”  For just one example, mainly because it was the easiest one to see on television last year, in the Arizona preseason game, he had backside contain, saw the Cards’ formation (empty backfield), saw where Petey was matched up against Edge in the slot, knew Petey was going to get beat (safe guess), and broke from his WLB position to the middle of the field to try and make the play Petey would not.  Unfortunately, Petey got roasted so badly off the line that Greenwood did not have the time to get there (the line of the scrimmage was the 5), but it was one of those plays that few WLBs would have had the presence of mind to even attempt.

Second, and more importantly, Greenwood is putting up solid numbers week in and week out while playing WLB in a 4-3 run by a man who isn’t qualified to suggest plays to you on Madden.  Is Greenwood as good as Lance Briggs?  No, of course not.  But 118 tackles, 1 sack, 4 PDs, a Forced Fumble, and an INT is a VERY productive season for a weakside linebacker, even in a system where the DC knows how to utilize all three LBs properly.  In our system?  That is a FANTASTIC year. In fact, that stat line is so good that part of me wonders why in the world we have to have this conversation.  (It is also a line so good that those who “might make the argument that he isn’t even above the average for linebackers on this team” should be dismissed as stupid.)

Overall, Greenwood has posted 112, 109, and 118 tackles, respectively, in his three seasons as a Texan.  Now, while I fully realize that tackle numbers can be inflated when the players in front of the LB suck (or, in the case of Jamie Sharper’s ridiculous numbers, when you are running a 3-4 without a real NT and EVERY play gets funneled to you), I also know that Greenwood’s numbers as a Texan are better than what Derrick Johnson has put up in KC over the same time-frame.  And, much like our line, it’s not like KC has been running a bunch of All Pros out there in front of DJ.  Additionally, when moved from the SLB to the WLB position in Miami, Greenwood posted 108 tackles there and that Miami defense ranked 8th in the league in yards allowed.  So I think it’s fair to say that Greenwood is not the “beneficiary” of poor play in front of him as much as he is just a good Weakside Linebacker.

Finally, there is the fact that Greenwood and DeMeco are like peas in a pod when it comes to film study and play.  I put this point last on purpose because I generally think chemistry is overrated.  For instance, last year, when Dunta was defending Petey as CB2, saying “I know what he’s doing over there; we work well together,” that didnt really mean much because they were on opposite sides of the field and one’s play was independent of the other 99.5% of the time.  When you are talking MLB and WLB, however, that sort of thing does matter to a certain extent.  If they are consistently on the same page and DeMeco never has to wonder if Morlon is picking up the same cues and/or if Morlon is playing his assignment correctly, then that frees DeMeco to be even more of a destructive force and lets him focus 100% of his attention elsewhere.  While I don’t think good chemistry alone would be a reason to keep him, I certainly think it is something in Greenwood’s favor.

In the end, though, it comes down to the first two points.  He has shown great instincts and quietly used those instincts and his natural ability to post a 2007 season that almost any team would be thrilled to get from their WLB.  Did it come at a hefty price tag?  Perhaps.  But at least the money spent on Morlon was paid for top-notch play.  Unlike, say, the checks that Anthony Weaver cashed every two weeks.  And, besides, it’s not like Morlon’s salary made it so we could not afford some other great WLB who was available this past offseason, so I’m not entirely sure that his cost is germane to this conversation.

Now, obviously, Greenwood will be 30 this year and he can’t play forever.  And, as much as I love the guy, if Adibi takes his job after this season based on the performance of one or both of them in 2008, I am not going to lose any sleep.  But, until that day comes, I think Texans fans need to realize how well Greenwood is playing every week and be thankful that we have him.

In response to the article quoted in this post, I emailed KC Joyner and asked for a little more explanation of the methodology.  He was kind enough to reply.

Try this on for an expansion:

In Scientific Football 2008 and my 2008 Draft Guide (both of which can be ordered at www.TheFootballScientist.com) I rated matchups by color ranking, with red being difficult, yellow being average and green being favorable. Against red matchup WRs in 2007 (those that gained 9.0 YPA or higher), Bennett allowed only 6.8 YPA.  That’s very good (29th best out of 95 qualifiers) but it pales in comparison to how Bennett handled yellow rated (7-9 YPA) and green rated (less than 7 YPA) WRs.  His 3.3 versus yellow rated was the 2nd best in the league and his 3.0 against green rated was tied for 19th.  Add them all up and his overall YPA against WRs was 2nd best in the league.  I’ve been touting him as a future Pro Bowl candidate for how well he played last year.

So, hopefully, that clears it up a bit more.  Bennett was good against top-notch receivers, very good against mediocre guys, and downright dominant against the guys in-between.  The good news being, of course, that if you assume talent is distributed on a bell curve, Bennett (and all corners) are going to face a lot more “yellow” receivers than “red” or “green” ones.

Now, I know this seems foreign to us as Texans fans, but IF Molden really is ahead of where Bennett was this time last year (as sources seem to be saying) AND IF Ray Rhodes really saw enough talent in Jacques Reeves that the organization thought Reeves was worth that price tag AND IF Dunta comes back at even 90% of where he was…well, kids, we might just be in the enviable situation of having too many very good (or better) CBs.  (And, as a bonus, we can finally give Petey his walking papers.)  Even better, with only one or two of those IFs coming to fruition, we are finally set at CB.

This is all foreign and slightly frightening.  Hold me.

I freely admit it: I’m a dirty fucking hippie.  I live in Austin.  I prefer to ride my bike.  I’m a beer snob.  I recycle.  If I had hair, it’d be long.  I abhor makeup (on chicks, Stacy, before you get any ideas).  That said, I’ve spent a lot of time in Houston over the last few weeks.  And you know what I’ve seen?

***NO TEXANS PARAPHENALIA***

OK, none, is perhaps too harsh…barely.  I saw a car that had a six year old, faded bumper sticker on it.  And, errrr, I saw a sign out on I10 heading east that said “Romance…For Lease,” which was pretty cool and unusually hip.  Outside of that, I was severely disappointed in the complete and total lack of Texans advertising of any type as I drove around Houston.

Disclaimer: I was largely on the west side OTL, which is supposed to be not cool and stuff.

Look, I don’t care what some random dude says cuz this is a legitimate playoff contender we are talking about, even though I agree with Tim’s assessment that our early schedule is slightly abusive.

And you can’t tell in Houston.

So, with that incredibly long introduction, here are my Top 5 suggestions to the Houston Texans marketing department cuz, you know, I kick ass at Madden and stuff.

5. Stickers - Yes, bumper stickers, decals, tattoos, breast implants, whatever it takes.  Look, if we are paying Petey Faggins anything more than…OK, I’m too fucking lazy to look it up, then we could get much more value out of giving away bumper stickers on every corner.  “Sticker with your electric bill, sir?”  “Excuse me, ma’am, but you could really use a Texans tramp stamp.”  See, how hard could that be?

4. Billboards - Let’s be honest: we are talking about Houston, here.  I figure, if you put up a shitload of ads on billboards on any inbound freeway and I10 outbound, it’ll get more views than your average Oprah or Filipino tranny show.

3. Date Your Favorite Texans Cheerleader! - No projection going on here.  Nope.  None, whatsoever.  Errr, did I mention that I love twins?  I’ll just have to work with Marisa on the whole Olive Garden thing.  I mean, just because I’d rather eat a handful of dog food than go to Olive Garden does not mean I’d ignore the poor girl.

2. Free Beer and Concealed Weapon Day - Beer and weapons?  In Texas?  What could possibly go wrong???

1. Dress Up as your Favorite 2006 Draftee Bust Night! - Do you still {heart} Vince, Longhorns fans?  Still think Reggie Bush is actually better than Dave Meggett?  Vernon Davis?  Matt Leinart (hot tubs full of under-aged chicks not included)???  Or maybe you can go as the Biggest Bust in the History of Forever and Ever!  No matter, now is your chance to wear the uniform of your favorite 2006 draft bust in the vain hope he won’t suck and will never, ever, live up to his actual talent.*

So, there ya go, Texans.  As usual, I’ve done all the leg work.  Now it’s up to you to make it happen.

* Anybody wearing a DeMeco uniform will be summarily beaten and gagged.  I won’t tell you what you’ll be gagged with.

PS: I’m gonna upgrade to digital before football season.  Any suggestions as to how to do this (Time Warner, DirecTV, tin foil caps) much appreciated.  The NFL Season ticket is *not* a concern.

I realize that the last, oh, week (at least) has been little more than the kickoff posts and that such link dumps smack of laziness. Keeping in mind that BFD and I really are incredibly lazy, I promise that we have some more substantive stuff in the works. It’s just going to have to wait one more day, at least on my end, because I am playing catch-up today.

For now, I offer:

P.S. Totally unrelated, but the blockquote citation in the comments doesn’t make sense. All you have to do is the traditional <blockquote></blockquote>. I don’t know what the hell the “cite=”"” part is about.

How NOT to blog.  From–surprise!–a Baby-eating Sisterfuckers’ fan blog comes a fantastic example of why old media thinks blogs are a ridiculous exercise.  Sweeping generalizations about other teams?  Check.  A pollyanna-esque assumption that all the players on your team will be healthy and uber-productive?  Check.  A conclusion that does not follow logically from anything you have written?  Check.

Know thy enemy.  Petey Faggins turns 29 today, making him the worst 29-year-old CB in the league and opening the door for someone else to claim the title of Worst 28-year-old CB.  Congrats! (He also allows me to link to one of my favorite posts.  Woot!)

Um…what?  Article from RealFootball365, suggesting that we should sign LaMont Jordan because our RB roster is currently Ahman Green, Vonta Leach, Admichinobi Echemandu, and Samkon Gado.  Way to research your premises, guys.  Fo’ real.

That’s about it…not much Texans news floating around the ether today.  Hopefully, I’ll be back with something later today.  No promises, though.

One of the odder things about me,¹ especially to people who have only known me for a relatively short time, is that I spent nearly two years working in a daycare. Even more strange, however, is that I still count that one as my favorite job I’ve ever had. During the school year, I would drive the (short) bus and take the school-age kids to their respective elementary schools, then spend the rest of the day in the three-year-old room, quietly crafting my unholy toddler army. But that is a story for a different day.

During the summer, however, I abandoned my post as three-year-old assistant teacher and was full-time in the school-age room. For the most part, I was responsible for driving us on field trips, delivering some kids to the community swimming program, and making sure no one got killed (which is harder than it sounds when you are the one wanting some of them to die). I also spent a great deal of time dominating nine-year-olds at basketball (on an 8-foot goal!) and wiffle ball. Those were the salad days.

Part of our summer program included something called Outdoor Teaching Activities, which we predictably shortened to OTAs. Ostensibly a way to teach the kids about science and nature, these were really nothing more than having them measure wind speed with bubbles or guess how many helium balloons it would take to lift object X five feet off the ground. Maybe they learned something, maybe they didn’t, but it got them outside and kept us (the teachers) sane. Plus, there is nothing more entertaining than watching a kid who throws like Lamar when he is on flat ground try to throw while standing on a balance beam. High comedy there.

ANYWAY, the point is that, to this day, when I hear “OTAs,” even in a Texans context, my mind does not go to 7-on-7 football and cone drills. Instead, I immediately picture Charles Spencer lighting leaves on fire with a magnifying glass and Zac Diles standing on top of a jungle gym with a bubble wand. I am nothing if not strange.

My own mental issues aside, however, OTAs continue in Texanland, entirely devoid of four-leaf clover searches and sidewalk chalk. And, as a blogger, I suppose I should get off my lazy ass² and mention them. First up, some choice quotes (and my less-than-choice reactions) from that font of wisdom and geyser of information, Gary Kubiak.

(on the possibility of a healthy QB Matt Schaub, RB Ahman Green and WR Andre Johnson) “Well, it means a great deal. Y’all saw how we played offensively when Ahman was available because he just brings a new dimension, and I think what we’re doing running the ball with Alex (Gibbs), I think Ahman’s really a nice fit with that and I think he’s gaining confidence in what we’re doing. The health of the football team’s important across the board, not just those three, but those three are pretty darn important.”

Not gonna lie to you, Gar…this isn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear. My hope was that you would say “Ahman? Ahman who? Oh, you mean that guy we are going to cut June 1? Yeah, F him.” In retrospect, I was probably hoping for too much, both from him last year and from you in this quote, but still.

Seriously, though, (1) I don’t see Green staying healthy and (2) I REALLY don’t see him thriving in the new system. His field vision is good enough, but methinks there are too many miles on those old legs to really get the explosive cuts that make the system effective.

Kubiak again:

(on the role of DE Anthony Weaver) “I think it could actually pick up for him because he’s healthy. He’s going through the offseason and he’s feeling as good as he’s ever felt. You always have to rotate D-linemen. I think maybe we’ll get a little more out of Anthony than last year just because we’re getting a good offseason out of him.”

Phew, that’s good. I was worried that we’d get less out him than last year. What’s that? There’s nothing less than zero? Oh…yeah…I suppose you are right.

Yes, yes, I know he was coming off a shoulder injury, so I will cut him a little slack. But when you are the highest paid player on the team, you only get so much slack. I really hope he does contribute like I thought he would when we signed him, because that would give us a monster D-line. I’m just not going to hold my breath here and I won’t be surprised one bit if BFD’s prediction of Chaun Thompson as a situational DE limits Weaver’s impact.

Other news and notes from the first three days of OTAs:

• **Unlike last year, the Texans website is no longer pluralizing OTA as OTA’s. This makes me exceedingly happy. And, because I wrote this last year, I am going to take credit for the change. Viva me!
• **DGDB&D whipping boy Petey Faggins is back and he’s mad! OK, not “mad,” really. More like, “hoping to still be on the team come opening day.” Says the seventh-year pro, “I just remembered all the good things that happened and got my confidence back up.” No offense, Pete, but I searched my memory long and hard for good things that happened to you and all I could come up with was you losing your starting job after the Chargers game.
• **I have a theory. If you face this everyday in practice, Kyle Vanden Bosch starts to look as intimidating as a midget driving a VW Beetle:

• **Finally, and as BFD mentioned, Andre Johnson is still on the shelf following minor knee surgery. It sounds crazy, but the health of that knee is likely the difference between 7-9 and 10-6. He is THAT important to the offense, as we saw over and over again last year. Here’s hoping he’s 100% come September.

¹ Which, if you know me, is really saying something.
² Figuratively, of course. Because who would type standing up?

For your Thursday morning enjoyment, I present a Chron article from 2005 singing the praises of one DeMarcus “Petey” Faggins.

Faggins is exactly what defense needs

[...]

By starting Faggins in place of Phillip Buchanon at cornerback and Shantee Orr in place of Jason Babin at outside linebacker, the Texans are making it clear that no longer do reputations and draft position have priority.

It’s about who can make plays. And who’s hungrier.

Faggins is all that. He’s the guy you keep wanting to ignore but can’t. He plays every snap as if he must do his job or start packing. Same thing with Orr.

[...]

“When I first got here last season, and I heard all this talk about the Texans need another corner, I came into camp and I saw this guy, No. 38,” Robinson said. “He’s all over and I’m like, `Dang, is he a new guy or something?’ The same thing this spring. … (Faggins) is a playmaker.”

He’s the one always volunteering for repetitions, no matter if they’re with the scout team. He’s the one always asking for a chance until he finally gets one.

That was Faggins two Sundays ago as Buchanon seemingly tripped over his press clippings while attempting to tackle Pittsburgh Steelers running back Willie Parker near the goal line.

Ready to go with his helmet on, Faggins watched as things went from bad to worse to putrid.

“They made the decision right there on the sideline,” Faggins said. “I guess they felt like some guys weren’t playing up to their potential. I just heard Dom say, `Put Petey in.’ ”

Petey, as Faggins is called, did not astound anyone the rest of the way in that loss. But he made a couple of plays. He made no mistakes. He stayed in position, and it was enough to earn him the start today against the Cincinnati Bengals.

[...]

“The more you’re around him the more comfortable you get because he gives you great effort, he competes every down (and) he doesn’t want anybody to catch a pass on him,” Capers said. “When you talk to these guys, you tell them this is a game of opportunity. Whether you’re running the service team, or running the other team’s offense or defense. He earned this the old-fashioned way.”

Wow.  If you read the article with visions of the Atlanta game in your head, you start to giggle and assume that the whole thing is just a big sarcastic joke.

Bear with me as this little ride might be a bit bumpy (translation: I’m a senile old coot, just happy to have my apple mush at the end of the day).

So, we know that our heroic Texans are willing to trade Rosie Rosenfels, and we know that we’re really, oh just super interested in re-signing Craig Nall to be Teh Schaub’s backup. We know that a certain team up north is willing to cough up a third round pick for Rosenfels. And we know (jeez, repetitive much?) there are reports the Texans are trying to trade back and flip 1st round picks with the Steelers and pick up a 3rd round pick for the effort (follow the link all the way down just above the comments).

What else do we know? Well, it looks like CB Fabian Washington is on the block. I think it’s fair to say that he has underperformed his expectations. While at Cornhusker U., I thought he would be a star at the next level. However, injuries and inconsistencies - and the occasional wife beating - have insured that his stay in Oakland Los Angeles Oakland Whatever will be short. Better yet, his contract is good for two more years, and it’s about as cheap as can be imagined for a player of his caliber.

With DeAngelo Hall on the cusp of entering Raider-land - a trade almost sure to not end well - the Raiders will have a complete log-jam at CB. But, because the Raiders will have to spend their 2nd and 6th round picks on that special head-case, they’ll be terribly short of picks come draft day. You don’t exactly have to be Travis Johnson to see where I am going with this.

Washington will be cheap to acquire due to the aforementioned injuries, inconsistencies, and his off-field transgressions. Plus, Washington isn’t the perfect player by any means: he’s weak in run support, for example. The Raiders aren’t exactly well-known for doing anything well these days, and with Washington only 25 this season, he has plenty of time to turn things around. Oh, and did I mention that he ran a 4.28 40?

This has “match made in heaven” written all over it. Trade the lowest 3rd round pick (probably the Steelers pick if that deal goes through) for Fabian Washington. Then, give me one part Fabian Washington and one part Ray Rhodes, and we might have a Chris McAllister caliber player at CB. Now, bugger off cuz Matlock is on, and I need to adjust the rabbit ears.

PS: Am I the only person who just really doesn’t like The Mountain Goats? I’m intrigued by “The Big Sleep,” so I got that one with my emusic subscription. Also got Levon Helm and the RCO All Stars, Flogging Molly, and Tinariwen tonight. IOW, my usual genre-cluster-fuck of monthly downloads. Weeeeee!!!!

Edit: Corey Smith re-upped with the Lions, so he’s out. I see this as: 1. another straw we go DE in the 1st round (though not a big, back-breaking straw), and 2. why we brought Chaun Thompson aboard to play the speed rusher role off the end. Yeah, he’s a LB, and he’ll compete for the SAM position with LVJ Bentley and Zach Diles, but Chaun does have the size (close enough) and speed to play that role if necessary. Total speculation, though.

It is not much of an exaggeration to say that I have seen Pulp Fiction at least 500 times. My freshman-year roommate had a copy (VHS, baby!) stolen from Blockbuster, which we watched almost daily for that entire year, and I’ve continued to watch it more frequently than any other movie over the past decade. I am reasonably sure this says something about me, but I’m not sure what it is.¹

Anyway…I mention this as background because, by this point, you’d think nothing could surprise me in that film. You’d be wrong.

So, here’s the deal. When the guy who looks somewhat like Jerry Seinfeld comes out of the bathroom and shoots at Vince and Jules, why in the hell did he have that gun in the bathroom with him in the first place?

Hear me out–clearly, Brett and “Flock of Seagulls” were not expecting Marsellus’ guys to show up at that instant, as they were enjoying Big Kahuna Burgers² and just otherwise chilling. Seagulls was lying on the couch and, one assumes, did not have a gun within easy reach. Brett, likewise, was seemingly unarmed. The look of terror on both of their faces suggests that, had they been expecting a visit from Jules and Vince, they would certainly have been armed and ready to shoot for their lives. I mean, Brett seems to know from the moment Marvin opens the door that he is probably going to die. If you had ripped off a crime kingpin and were expecting hitmen to show up and kill you, would you be more likely to sit and eat burgers or arm yourself and prepare to shoot back?

Besides, on top of the surprise factor, you have the size of the gun. It was, as Vincent pointed out, “a goddamned hand cannon.” Such a gun is not the type that someone would have cavalierly tucked in his waistband, nor was he wearing a holster. So basically, logic dictates that he either picked up the gun and carried into the bathroom or the gun was already in the bathroom. Neither of these situations really makes sense to me. On the one hand, if Brett and Seagulls were not expecting Vince and Jules to arrive, there’s no reason to think Guy in Bathroom would have suspected it enough to carry a large handgun into the crapper. Likewise, I can see no reason why that gun would already be in the bathroom considering the people out in the living room did not have guns within easy reach.

By now, you are probably thinking “what the hell does this have to do with football?” Simple: I had been blindly accepting the situation as it was presented to me, when I should have been considering the context. Because, once you consider the context, some things that seem to make sense really don’t.³

Which brings me (finally) to the draft.

Over the past days and weeks, many people have come to grips with the idea that the Texans are probably taking a CB with the 18th pick in the draft. On the surface, where you have an injured Dunta Robinson; a horrid Petey Faggins; a possibly-horrid Jacques Reeves; and are relying on a second-year corner and a veteran sex machine safety, it would seem logically sound to take a corner and hope to improve your atrocious secondary. It would seem that way until you really consider the context.

Right now, you can easily claim that our holes on defense are NT, DE2, CB2, SLB, and (possibly) SS. Of those holes, CB2 is the one where we have already spent the most cap space this offseason, albeit on a guy who might not be able to cover me for 4 seconds. Does it make sense to use your draft pick on a guy who play the same position as the guy you just overpaid for?

But that’s not even the biggest issue.

The fact is, a great defensive line can make a suspect secondary look average to good for multiple games in a season. A fantastic secondary can make an average D-line look good a couple times per game. Partly, this is because of the nature of the rules that allow WRs to play virtually untouched. But it is also due in no small part to the logistics of what the positions are asked to do. Your defensive line exists to get to the QB (or RB), correct? Well, they know where the QB is going to be once the ball is snapped. Defensive backs, on the other hand, are asked to cover someone with no clue as to where he is going or what path he will take to get there. This means that even the best CBs are going to get beat on a long enough timeline. SO–and I know you see where I am going with this–you can improve your secondary just as much by drastically shortening the length of time you ask them to cover as by upgrading your cornerbacks.

Hell, this year’s Super Bowl Champion New York Giants are an embodiment of this principle. Their monster defensive line was able to consistently get pressure on opposing QBs. Because of this, the Giants were able to survive with subpar linebackers (Pierce is a good player, but his main strength is in leadership and getting the D set correctly; Mitchell is a smart player and a sure tackler but is nothing special; and Torbor is notably below average, but tough) and an average defensive backfield. Corey Webster looks like he turned it around, but he still isn’t very good yet. Aaron Ross looked very good for a rookie, but Gibril Wilson is at best good (in terms of skills he’s probably comparable to a healthy Will Demps, maybe very slightly better) and James Butler more or less stinks.

Yet, despite having a back seven that was basically average, the Giants defense looked absolutely dominant at times–including against the Patriots–because they were able to get after opposing QBs on a regular basis. This is not a novel concept, really. And, given the choice, I would almost always rather go into a season with three great defensive lineman than with 2 great defensive linemen and a great DB. And, hell, with Ryans and Greenwood behind a line similar to the Giants, even Petey Faggins would seem decent at cornerback.

*Pauses to consider the implications of that last sentence. Shudders.*

WHICH (finally) brings me to my bigger point. Namely that, if we are drafting defense in the first round or third round, we should be looking for a defensive tackle or a speedy defensive end or–shockingly–both. I mean, clearly someone in Texans management thought that Reeves could play or else they wouldn’t have signed him. You want to make that signing make sense? Then put together a front four that can limit how long he has to cover. The kid has fantastic speed, but his instincts and coverage skills are not all that amazing. Ask him to cover for 2.5 seconds instead of 4.5 and his speed/quickness should be able to overcome his technique/skills. Unless, that is, someone thought it prudent to give $8MM guaranteed for a nickel corner. Which I choose to believe no one in our front office is stupid enough to do.

[Author's note: I realize that some of this--ok, fine, much of this--is a rehashing of the philosophy I've been espousing since the end of the season. I was pushing for a NT at that time and, for the most part, my position hasn't changed. I have only amended it to say that I would be nearly as happy with a solid DE and that the only CB I would be willing to change my opinion for would be the mutant Rodgers-Cromartie.]

Who, then, should we be looking at? I’m glad you asked. Two names that immediately jump out to me are Brian Johnston and Kentwan Balmer.

Last one first, let’s take a look at Balmer, since most of you have probably heard of him. A 6-5, 308 DT out of UNC, Balmer posted 59 tackles (33 solos), including 3.5 sacks, 9.5 TFL, and four quarterback pressures. Balmer was solid against the run in general, allowing 1.69 yards/carry on his 55 running stops. The one knock I would have against him is that he is about 15 lbs lighter (minimum) than I would like out of my NT, but that is countered by the fact that he is strong (33 reps) and explosive (29 in. vertical jump). Even better for our purposes, Balmer is currently projected to go in the late first/early second, meaning he should be available at 18. Speaking of that 18th pick, I think even if most teams have Balmer slotted at 25-30, we should be willing to reach a little if we find a guy we really want because of the lack of a second rounder.

The other guy I mentioned, Brian Johnston, might be unfamiliar to many of you. That’s what happens when you go to Gardner-Webb and don’t get a combine invite. Of course, after reading about his tryout in front of some NFL scouts, maybe he should have been invited.

Measuring in at 6-foot-5, 274 pounds, Johnston ran his first 40-yard dash in 4.66 seconds. Johnston’s 40-yard dash time would have been the fourth best at the NFL combine for defensive ends, and the best for any lineman weighing more than 260 pounds.

Johnston’s most impressive stat from the 40-yard dash came with a very strong 1.51-second time through the first 10 yards, an important time with regards to a players quickness. By comparison, Johnston’s 10-yard split was the same as Arkansas’ running back Darren McFadden turned in at the Combine earlier this year.

The most impressive result overall, however, may have been Johnston’s time in the 20-yard shuttle. He turned in a 4.18-second time, which is better than any lineman at the NFL’s Scouting Combine. In fact, the 4.18-second time was faster than any running back at the event - with Illinois’ Rashard Mendenhall the only back to match that time.

So, yeah…I’d say he fits the definition of a speed-rushing DE. Now, I know some of you are likely saying “ACK! Workout warrior from a small school! Babin! BABIN!!!” That’s fair. But let’s not forget that Babin was a college 4-3 DE drafted to play OLB in an NFL 3-4. Going forward was never a problem for him; it was sideline to sideline and dropping into TE coverage that killed him. In Johnston’s case, you would be drafting a college 4-3 DE speed-rusher to play NFL 4-3 DE speed-rusher. And, because Mario and Okoye occupy the extra blockers, he’d be going one-on-one with o-linemen most of the time. That’s always nice when you are lightning-fast.

ANYWAY, I am just spitballing here. If the word around the campfire is to be believed, we will take someone like Aqib Talib at 18 and then a RB in the third. And I’ll deal with it, even if I don’t think it is the right approach. And, hell, maybe I get kinda lucky and we take Talib (or whomever) in the first but still snag Johnston in the third. Regardless, until Draft Day, I am just going to keep doing my best to shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness.⁴

¹ That’s not entirely true. I think it says that I liked the movie when it was (a) popular, (b) cliched, (c) ironic, and (d) suggestive that I am getting old.

² That IS a tasty burger!

³ On the flip-side, some things that seem utterly inexplicable–say, the selection of Mario Williams over Reggie Bush–make perfect sense once you consider the context. While some things–say, the popularity of Mambo No. 5–remain inexplicable regardless of how much you ponder them.

⁴ And to not shoot Marvin in the face.

According to Pancakes, the Texans have signed the execrable Jacques Reeves. My favorite line of the article:

At 5-11, 188 pounds, the 25-year-old Reeves is the veteran cornerback the Texans targeted.

W.T.F? Are you kidding me? Well, at least he adds this:

They’re still going to draft a cornerback, maybe two, and they might sign another veteran.

Ya think? And if Reeves really was that key veteran CB, why would we need to go out and sign another half dozen players?

I went to see what Tim had to say, and that guy could make lemonade out of a gallon of goat piss. Alas, I am not similarly gifted. I’m more the guy who sits on his porch and throws rakes at squirrels, yelling “Get off my lawn!” Kids, of course, get ice picks.

Because I get this perverse enjoyment from watching the Cowboys suck, I openly rooted for teams to throw against Reeves as he reminded me of DGDB&D Hall of Famer Petey Faggins. This was, and will be, a poor signing, and I feel like we have to take a CB with #18 in order to simply keep Reeves off the field. I just don’t think we have a choice now. But, luckily, our new Texan who’ll resemble a Molotov cocktail will cost only $4MM/year.

Where’s my rubbing alcohol? I could really use a drink.

I know I am on record various places as saying I absolutely do not want to draft a CB with our first pick, primarily because I hate the idea of “Fred and Rookie CB” as our starting tandem. (Then again, I’d take a number of 7th graders over Petey and he was one half of our duo at this point last season, so it could be much worse.)

Anyway…I have to amend that position a bit. I absolutely do not want to draft a CB with our first pick unless Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie falls to 18.

40-yard dash? 4.33 (3d among CBs).
Vertical jump? 38.5 (1st among CBs).
Broad jump? 10′11″ (1st among CBs).
Three-cone drill? 6.74 sec (T-1st among CBs).
60-yard shuttle? 11.06 sec (1st among CBs).

Wow.

Holy fucking jeez, even.

And before any of you mentions that “combine numbers are overblown–what matters is on-field performance,” take a gander at this:

In 39 starts for the Tigers, opposing quarterbacks completed just 55 of 161 passes (34.16%) thrown in Rodgers-Cromartie’s immediate area. He intercepted 11 of those throws, deflected 25 and held the opposition to a miniscule 3.54 yards per pass attempt, the best of any collegiate defensive back over the last three seasons.

I think I am in love. I put him just below Felix Jones and above Kenny Phillips (who, luckily might actually slip due to a mediocre combine) on my wish list.

Michael Huff, the versatile defensive back of the Oakland Raiders, is on the trading block (h/t to Jersey Bill). The 2005 Thorpe Award winner was a badass for the Longhorns (as are all Longhorns, natch), but the Raiders in their infinite wisdom decided to take a 4.34 guy and put him at SS. Ummm, yeah, that turned out to be a pretty bad idea (their experiment to insert Randy Moss as a blocking tight end didn’t work out well, either).

If there is a more humble group of people than the Raiders Nation, it could only be a clown car full of Gandhis, so let’s see what nice things they have to say about Huff:

Einstein says: “Huff reminds me of Najee Mustafa or Elvis Patterson. He sucks, how he even receives and NFL check is beyond me. And to think this waste of roster spot was a first round pick. What a complete bust. He is probably one of the biggest busts the Raiders have ever drafted.”

Bodiddly says: “The Raiders scouting department needs an overhaul,they have missed on more than they have hit.Look at the winning teams draft history and you will seldom see a safety drafted so high.Now the team is stuck with this player that is over paid due his high draft position.No team is likely to pay more than a bargain price for a player
in this salary category if he’s not an outstanding contributor.” (if a post ever needed the {sic} notation, this would be it}

Granted, there are a lot of commenters on this post who get it: Huff is a FS or CB, not a SS. As we have previously agreed, there often is not a huge difference between the FS and SS. However, with guys like Antonio Gates and Kellen Winslow in the league, covering and being able to tackle tight ends is an essential part of the job, one that Huff had difficulty in doing because of his size.

Perhaps the Raiders realize this. And, perhaps, with a roster already loaded with CBs like Fabian Washington, Stanford Routt, and Nnamdi Asomugha, the Raiders believe they have some depth (and salary) to trade.

In many ways, Huff would be a great pick up because of his versatility. If Dunta is 100%, Huff easily slides into FS. If Dunta loses a step, Huff sticks at corner and Dunta moves to FS.

There is a genuine question on if Huff can play CB in the NFL. At UT, he had a reputation as a hard, self-motivated worker, and that 4.34 speed doesn’t hurt, either (as a benchmark, Huff’s 4.34 would be 3rd for RBs and tops for WRs this year (DBs haven’t run yet). At 6′ and 205 lbs, he has good size, as well.

The bigger problem is, what would it take to grab the Nimitz High (and therefore Houston) native. It’s a huge contract on top of giving something up. The Raiders don’t exactly have a friendly trading history, either, with Al Davis a well-known trading asshole.

As for Brian Kelly? I vote for “Just say no.” First, he lost his starting job in TB to P-Buch. Secondly, he’s 32 and has obviously lost a step. Third, P-Buch took away his job. Finally, we don’t run the Cover 2, the defense he’s most familiar with and one that covers his weaknesses (aka, coverage and anything related) well.

————————

Just, holy crap. This is considered journalism? “And I wish each one of you could be here with me.” That’s really what it’s all about for you, isn’t it?

Whenever the traditional media shits on blogs for not following journalistic standards, think of this article.

——————-

Zach Thomas, thanks to {insert deity of your choice here}, signed with the Cowpokes. There’s just a poetic, ironic justice at work here. I wish both ZT and the ‘pokes a nice, downhill ride off into the sunset together. Actually, I take that back. I wish ZT a pleasant farewell. The cowboys. still. suck.

Now that Nnamdi Asomugha has broken Matt’s heart like so many Anna-Megans, let’s take a look at some of the least sucky options at cornerback still available.

Marcus Trufant - Franchise tag. Not a surprising move by the Seasquawks, but it means he’s out.

DeAngelo Hall - Yeah, we have consensus that he’s an asswipe. I’ve always been of the opinion, however, that as long as you play for the team, being an asswipe isn’t all bad (see Sanders, Deion). But I’m not sure if Hall qualifies for that level. And considering the baggage he carries, and that the Falcons allegedly want a first round pick for him, fuck him. Of course, there’s the chance that we can dick the Falcons on a deal again, which definitely gives me warm fuzzies.

Asante Samuel - We’ve previously brushed Samuel aside for contract size reasons, but considering what Trufant and Nnamdi are getting, is that the market for a CB? Perhaps it’s now something to consider?

Lito Sheppard - A dirty, unsubstantiated rumor has the Eagles interested in Samuel because they think Sheppard has a glass jaw. If the Eagles do sign Samuel, I think Sheppard is gone.

Jacques Reeves - Ugh, a cowpoke, and one who was picked on during the year. But, sheesh, this is the territory we are starting to hit. Reeves is an unrestricted free agent.

Randall Gay - When watching the Patriots this year, it seemed to me that the Pats had two weak links in their secondary: King Asshole Rodney Harrison, and Randall Gay. Yet, Gay might be the most likely option as of today. Still, Gay can be flammable at times, and I kinda see him as a more expensive Petey. There, I said it..

Brian Kelly - Dude, you lost your job to P-Buch? Seriously? What, did you fall asleep on the field?

Drayton Florence - You can add him to the flammable list.

Chris Carr - Has seen most of his action on special teams, including as a punt returner.

Have I missed anybody?

Look at this list. It’s pretty pathetic at this point. There’s a chance somebody like Ricky Manning becomes available after the first round of salary cuts, and I wouldn’t mind him in the least. But, still, the lack of feasible CBs, along with Dunta’s injury, means that we have to address CB a lot sooner than later. Even though I am against huge mega-contracts, I think Samuel may be the only decent option out there, even if we have to overpay.

The way I look at it: we either overpay for mediocrity, or we overpay for above average production.

Or, of course, we take a CB in the draft with our 1st or 3rd round pick.

PS: Look, Matt, I bolded names all by myself. I’m a big boy today!

PPS: If you can name the show from where I got the reference in the title, give yourself a cookie.

June 13, 1979–On my first birthday, Petey Faggins is born. In what will become a lifelong theme, Faggins consistently misses the nipple as he tries to breast feed. He quickly learns that his only hope is to grab it with both hands and hope he can get his face there before it breaks free.

May 3, 1983–Three-year-old Petey’s pet turtle Rodrigo escapes. Petey attempts to tackle the turtle before it can get away, but misses completely. He lays on the ground crying as the turtle bolts for safety. His grandmother boos him for the first time.

November 25, 1990–Petey wins the role of Miles Standish in his fifth-grade Thanksgiving play. Despite an outstanding performance by little Stevie Johnson as Squanto, the play falls flat because Petey flubs all his lines and even falls off the stage at one point. The Pilgrims are booed mercilessly.

December 25, 1993–14-year-old Petey receives an autographed Deion Sanders football for Christmas. He holds it up and proclaims that he is going to be in the NFL as a defensive back one day, too. He then drops the football, breaking his grandma’s favorite ornament, prompting the old lady to punch him in the mouth. He cries.

January 15, 1997–Petey Faggins signs his letter of intent to play for Navarro Junior College. When asked why he didn’t sign with an NCAA school, Faggins offers only that they “didn’t know what they were missing.” People assume he is joking, so they laugh. Faggins dies a little inside.

July 29, 1999–Faggins transfers to Kansas State after two years at Navarro, where he quickly endears himself to the QBs he is facing in practice. “He’s a nice guy–never shows you up at all” says one QB.

April 21, 2002–On the strength of a good senior year, Faggins is drafted in the Sixth Round by the Houston Texans. Charlie Casserly goes to shake his hand, but Petey bites on what he thinks is a fake and nearly trips up the stairs. Dom Capers throws up a little.

October 13, 2002–Makes NFL debut, playing special teams against Buffalo. Was heard remarking “aw, crap” as Buffalo’s returners ran past him time and time again. Rumored to have considered making tackle, if only the other players would stop moving.

August 31, 2003–Released by the Texans, then signed the following day to the practice squad. Finds the level of competition on the practice squad to be similar to the NFL, thus he still sucks.

November 9, 2003–Resigned to active roster and makes season debut against the Cincinnati Bengals. Does not notch a tackle and receives several phone calls from childhood friends after the game reminding him that he sucks. He cries himself to sleep that evening.

September 2, 2004–Realizes that he will be on the active roster for the whole season, barring injury. Wants to go out with friends to celebrate this revelation, but all of them have other things to do. Faggins is empty inside.

2005 season–Starts 10 games. Every now and then, he does something positive and people begin to wonder if he is starting to suck less.

2006 season–Fighting an injury for much of the year, the time he does get on the field is spent dissuading the notion from last season. At one point, he nearly gets in a slap-fight with David Carr when Carr suggests that even he could light up Faggins. The fight is avoided, however, when in a shocking turn of events three or four other teammates chime in in agreement with Carr.

May 2, 2007–Da Good, Da Bad, and DeMeco is founded. The first post features this nugget: “Second, Demarcus Faggins and Dexter McCleon and Von Hutchins combine for a Suckfactor* score of roughly 9–a number that Jamar Fletcher is unlikely to bring down.” The blog will spend the entire summer railing about how awful Faggins is, but the pleas will fall upon deaf ears.

September 30, 2007–Faggins’ play against the Atlanta Falcons prompts this entry: “After last week, the pro-Petey stance was that he had matched up with great receivers and, thus, had no chance. Well, he’s in the process of getting meat-shanked by Harrington and some no-name wideouts, and he has two PIs and two holds. In short, he’s playing like someone who sucks. Because he is someone who sucks. So, new rule at DGDB&D (which, I believe, is our first and only rule): Excuses and/or praise for Faggins are verboten. Seriously.”

November 13, 2007–The injury to Dunta Robinson does not get Petey back into the starting lineup, much to my happiness. Of course, I also lose my mind and go off on the following rant:

Which actully dovetails into the bigger point I wanted to make. Namely, that my dumb ass has been screaming since the inception of this blog about how bad Faggins is (pre-blog, actually, but I have no visual proof of that), yet it took the Texans’ cognoscenti OTAs, training camp, and multiple shitty games–including games where you could pin the majority of the blame for the loss on him–before they could see what we already knew.

How is this possible? How is it that people who, given the chance, would explain to us how they understand football in ways we never will could themselves be so clueless about something so obvious? I understand the desire for them to give him the benefit of the doubt. I even understand not selling him out to the media after the Panthers game. But I do not, cannot, and will not pretend to understand how they could keep rolling out one of the worst starters in the NFL week after week.

And that is exactly what they are admitting with a move like this one with Hutchins. They are saying that Petey is so bad as a starting corner that even a season-ending injury is not enough to move him up the depth chart; that they would rather un-convert a CB-cum-safety than let Petey stink up the joint as a starter. To which I can only say, “duh” and “thank god,” respectively.

I guess what I am looking for is some sort of mea culpa from the front office or even from Kubiak himself. I just want a little “ok, my bad…Faggins is just not capable of doing this and we are sorry we pretended otherwise, but, look, we’re doing something to fix it.” I know I will never get this, though, so I suppose this Hutchins thing will just have to do.

If Faggins is on the opening day roster in 2008, though, I reserve the right to have someone killed.

December 31, 2007–To ring in the New Year, Faggins wants to go to a party in his neighborhood. He changes his mind, however, when he sees that the invitation tells him to bring a “covered dish” and he has no idea what “covered” means. Instead, he sits at home by himself, watching the ball drop on television. This vision calms him for some reason.

February 8, 2008–After another full season of sucking, Faggins causes a blogger to snap and write a barely-funny timeline in lieu of a post about how Faggins is the Good Charlotte of the NFL.

Bumped from my pathetic post, the lovely, talented, and extremely sexy Eric links us to a video discussing zone blocking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvtJHq_0YvA

For me, this does two things:

1. Gibbs adds a new dimension to our offense.

2. The RB is a part, not the piece. The video is helpful in the sense it’s easier to visualize the one-cut system. Denver was able to cycle through RBs because of the system, and while the RB is not entirely irrelevant, he’s only a piece of the system. The focus is getting the right OL for the system along with the proper coaching, and it’s yet another reason I don’t believe that a RB is necessary with our first round pick.

[Author's note: I've written this in fits and starts, had a bunch of different things I wanted to cover, and never really worked it through beginning to end. If it rambles, I apologize; if there are factual mistakes, they are mine.]

As we discussed in part one of my obsessive-compulsive pre-draft coverage, what a team should do in the draft cannot be determined in a vacuum. Therefore, to do this correctly, we need to compile as much information as possible and create a coherent Big Picture from which to work. So consider this Part Two of the project.

Now, whereas the last post focused on answering questions about the team, this one is going to take a look at what we know (or, more accurately, what we think we know) about the team and its tendencies. Hopefully, by combining what we know with our answers to the original questions, we can create an epistemological framework for analyzing the 2008 Draft. In this post, we will address what we know about the relative depth at the various positions on the roster.

1. Where we are thin. There are really two kinds of depth in the NFL. There is the “we have a body in case this guy goes down” and there’s “we have enough talent at a position to do all sorts of permutations and substitutions and keep everyone fresh while remaining effective on every snap.” For an example of the latter, look at the NY Giants defensive ends.

Thing is, only the “talent” depth is worth anything at all. In fact, you can go further and say having the “body” kind of depth as an actual goal is just plain stupid. I mean, you have a 53-man roster, so by definition you should always have enough bodies to replace an injured starter. So effin’ what? The point is to have depth with talent. While the Giants’ situation with their DEs is rare, it is the type of all teams should aspire to. Ideally, every guy on your roster is there because he was the best available player at his position in terms of what your team will ask of him. I say, “ideally,” however because teams and coaches seem to insist on carrying guys that serve no purpose (Petey Faggins) when there is almost certainly a better alternative out there. And they do it because “he gives us depth,” as if such a statement means anything.

How useless is “body” depth? As we saw with our secondary this year, even if every guy you planned on relying upon has been hurt and you have reached the end of your roster and have no guys left at a position, you are still going to be able to find someone to fill a hole. It might not always be pretty, but it’ll fill the hole and, really, the free agent on the street is unlikely to be appreciably worse than that 50th guy on your opening day roster. (And, on the flipside, you might just find a Will Demps who should not have been released by his former team and still has Pro Bowl-level talent.)

Anyway…all of this is just pie-in-the-sky rambling. Moving on.

Back to the point–where are we thin? The most obvious answer is in the Secondary, where neither of the top two CBs from 2007 is likely to start the season opener in 2008 and it remains to be seen if and to what degree Dunta Robinson will contribute in 2008. Moreover, Glenn Earl is an unrestricted free agent, is coming off a season-ending foot injury, and was never suited to be a free safety in the first place. Even worse, some of the backups–Jason Simmons (injured), Dexter Wynn, Von Hutchins (craptastic), and Roc Alexander (injured) are unrestricted free agents as well. Oh, and C.C. Brown is a restricted free agent. So, yeah, even if you account for unknowns like Derrick Roberson and Curome Cox, as of this very moment, it is not a stretch at all to say this unit is thinner than Tara Reid on a three-month coke bender.

Second–and perhaps most arguably–we are thin at RB. Ron Dayne (and this is the ONLY time you’ll see him listed among things that are thin) and Darius Walker are currently 1-2 on the depth chart I suppose, as Ahman Green is still a huge question mark. He’s injured, he’s old, he’s expensive, and he’s unproductive…but he’s also who we were relying upon as recently as 6 months ago. [Edit: Plus, you have the constant question of "is this the year Chris Taylor stays healthy and produces?"] With that kind of unsettled situation and only two healthy RBs–neither of whom is exactly something to write home about–you can only describe the position as “lacking.”

The final answer to my way of thinking is NT. Because we don’t have one. The Texans roster on the team homepage lists Travis Johnson as our only NT (most likely as a hold-over designation from the 3-4 days that no one bothered to change), but there are all kinds of things wrong with giving him that label. First, the mere fact that he outweighs our other DTs (other than Cedric Killings) does not make him a two-gap player. Second, he’s not even the best current team member for that position–in my opinion that would be Anthony Maddox (whom the interactive depth chart curiously has listed as Amobi’s backup), though I have unsubstantiated high hopes for DelJuan Robinson. Third, and perhaps most importantly it is my fondest wish that Travis would show up to Reliant one day, only to find that the locks had been changed. Then, as he looks around for a janitor or someone to let him in, he is gunned down by Central American Libyan rebels in a VW Microbus.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, lack of bodies. So, secondary and nose tackle are definitely thin as of now, and running back is arguably lacking as well. That could change if Demps is re-signed and remains exceedingly solid, or Dunta comes back quickly, or Ahman decides to stay healthy, or Travis gets sent to one of those shock boot-camp things where they send the crappy kids on Montel. But, for now, thin.

But that’s all obvious, because that’s a case of actually lacking players. If we turn our attention back to “talent” versus mere “body” depth, a case can be made that a number of other positions run the gamut of thinness from skinny to skeletal.

For one, and with apologies to Ephraim Salaam, we still don’t have a single NFL-quality left tackle on the roster unless Fluffy Spencer suddenly comes around. (The signing last offseason of Jordan Black was a perfect example of “body” depth as a goal, as no one in his right mind should have believed that a guy nicknamed “Turnstile” by fans of his previous team was going to offer much in the way of talent. The signing of the since-departed Kevin Barry was arguably the same thing–an attempt to accumulate large, non-dead humans.)

Currently, in addition to Salaam, Black, and Spencer, we have Brandon Frye who spent much of 2007 on the practice squad and of whom I wrote back in May:

The other Round 5 Brandon is, apparently, a mutant. 6′4″, 302, with a 690 lb squat and a 445 lb bench press to go along with a 4.79 40. He may be raw (actually, that’s not true… he IS raw), but he seems to have the tools to become a good offensive lineman. He finished the season at VT playing some left tackle, but I am guessing he will move to the interior of the line, perhaps displacing Fred Weary in a year or so.

Now, nearly a year later, I stand by the first part of that–that he is, indeed, a physical mutant and seems to possess solid tools from which to build. The only change I would make is to the second half of it, as his combination of speed and strength makes him a nice choice for the left tackle in an Alex Gibbs system.

But even if Frye is the LT of the future, that gives us…um…one healthy, in-shape, potentially-NFL-quality LT. THIN!!!

Moving inside to the guards, our depth chart currently shows Kasey Studdard as the backup at both left and right guard. Fred Weary is old (and injured and a free agent), Chester Pitts was less-than-stellar for much of the year, Scott Jackson is injured, and Mike Briesel and Dan Stevenson are relative unknowns. Until we have some sort of idea how Jackson will heal and what Briesel and Stevenson are capable of, the guard position offers nothing more than the “body” depth at best (and actual thinness at worst). And this problem could be exacerbated if some of the guys who seem healthy and ready to contribute prove unable to adjust to the Gibbs system.

On the other side of the ball, defensive end gives us another example of “body” depth without meaning. Currently, we have one great one (Mario Williams), one who has shown an occasional glimpse of real talent (Earl Cochran), one who is ancient and a free agent (ND Kalu), one who is grotesquely overpaid and did next to nothing this year (Anthony Weaver), and someone named Eric Powell who was just signed to a future/reserve contract. Unless Cochran turns out to be something good, we are sitting right now with one defensive end who is starter-quality and another–Weaver–who could possibly be again.

The other spot where we are sorely lacking on defense is at strongside linebacker. Danny Clark is good, but is a free agent and had momentary lapses that the coaching staff did not like. Charlie Anderson likewise had some solid moments but, overall, was uninspiring. Unless Zac Diles can move to the strongside (more on him in a bit), this position needs addressing in the offseason.

(Pauses to re-read all of the above.)

Guh…that was more than I planned to write for the first point. I think it all makes sense, though, so I am leaving it. Moving on…

2. Where we are deep. Based on the point I belabored above, you can guess that by “deep” I mean “richer than average with talent.” Under that rubric, really, it is possible to be “deep” at a position where you have but two players and not be deep at another where you have five. Which sounds confusing and counter-intuitive, but really isn’t. But, instead of further kicking that dead horse, let’s all just agree to read the following with that definition in mind, ok?

The most obvious position of depth on this team is quarterback. When you can have a serious discussion about whether or not you would trade your backup QB for a third-rounder, I think it is safe to say that you are stocked at the posi