sigh
Nov 17, 2008 2008 Season, Curious Coaching, Ensagenation, Faggination, Fuck Jared Allen, Gary Kubiak might be high, Rosencopter, Rosie Rosenfels
The English language is severely limited, at least when it comes to adjectives to desribe a situation or mood. For example, last year, we noted that there wasn’t really a word to describe a situation where you are pissed with how long something took, but incredibly pleased with the end result, so we coined one: fagginated.
Well, along those same lines, I can’t really think of a word that describes how you feel after something bad happens when you knew all along it was going to happen. I mean, “deflated” doesn’t really get there, because your hopes were never really up if you were being realistic. “Pissed” doesn’t cover it because it’s hard to get too angry about something you saw coming; that’d be like getting angry that Saw VI was being released. So I am going to go with “ensaged.” For example, you totally screw up a million dollar project at work and subsequently get fired, your firing could leave you ensaged–you saw it coming, but it still pretty much sucks.
In that vein, I was totally ensaged with the ending of yesterday’s game. When we got the ball back with roughly two minutes, bigwood25, who was watching the game at my house, commented that we still had plenty of time and would probably win this to get even for the previous loss to Indy. Already resigned to my fate, I remarked, simply, “no, Sage will definitely find a way to mess this up. I have no doubt.”
Interception, ballgame. Ensagination ensues.
What does it even mean when you reach this point with your team, when you are absolutely positive that they will find a way not to win a game that most teams (other than the Rams and Chiefs) would have had better-than-average odds to win? Two minutes left with a top five offense–we should have had at least 50-50 odds to get there and get it done. But I bet you would be hard-pressed to find a Texans fan who had even the slightest hope that we would actually pull it out. Because we never, ever, EVER do.
So, yeah. I was ensaged. Damn it. But I went from ensaged to full-on irritated when I read the following postgame quotes:
Kubiak: (on the interception at the end of the game) “The thing that you are trying to do right there is just get yourself in position to throw a Hail Mary toward the end zone. That’s all you are trying to do.”
No. NO. That is NOT “all you are trying to do.” You had the ball in their territory with about a minute to play. You had an offense that had moved the ball well all day. They had yet to consistently stop your passing game OR your running game. Wht you are trying to do there is march down the field, get out of bounds around the 15- or 20-yard line with 25 seconds to play, and take two to three shots at the endzone on real pass patterns. Saying you were trying to get in Hail Mary position in that situation is either revisionist history or, more likely, a sign that you had ZERO faith in your QB to actually manufacture a crunch-time drive. Neither answer really pleases me, but the latter is especially irritating since you continue to insist that the team doesn’t miss a beat when we switch from Matt to Sage. Would Schaub have made that drive? I honestly don’t know. But I do know I would have felt roughly 13183736 times more confident in our chances. Then again, if you are just telling the team to get into chuck-and-pray position, maybe ANY confidence on my part would have been severely misguided.
Sage: (on the interception in the final drive) “We had four verticals on and they rolled a cover that sort of surprised me and I thought I had a chance with Kevin (Walter) on the sideline. I saw Owen Daniels flash. I think Owen Daniels was open enough, but I just made a bad threw [sic]. I threw it behind him and probably should have just checked the ball down or something else. I really just made a bad throw. You know, we had a chance. To come into this place, it’s a hard place to win and we had a chance. They made the plays today and we didn’t.”
First..wait…”sort of surprised” you? Really? A six-man zone when they are trying to keep everything in front of them and not give you the sidelines “surprised” you? Are you also surprised when the sun comes up? That coverage was not the least bit surprising; they’d used something similar for most of the drive. Just because the corner stuck with Owen a little longer than he had before should not be surprising, especially for an NFL QB.
Second, “probably?” So you’re saying there’s a chance you should have still gone ahead and made that same throw? Even knowing what you know now? Good god.
Finally, not “we.” You. Well, you and the defense, but for purposes of this conversation, YOU failed to make the play. You threw an awful ball that everyone watching knew you would throw. That not on anyone but the guy tossing the pigskin.\
In the end, though, whether ensagenated or irritated, the end result is the same—another loss, another lost season, and another week of cursing the names of Sage Rosenfels and Jared Allen. Great. Because I don’t already have enough of that in my life, right?
Richard Smith and the Mystery of Pass Coverage
Oct 22, 2008 Drunky Drunkerton, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, Dunta Robinson, Faggination, Fire Richard Smith, Fisted by Jessica Alba, Football 101, Fred Weary is dirty, I was told there would be no math, Rendhel and Sid, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., The Fred, Theft
If you have read any of the previous Xs/Os things here at DGDB&D, it should be pretty clear that I am defense-first kind of guy. For every one article on zone blocking, there are at least four on some aspect of our defense or lack thereof. It’s not that I don’t like offense, but given the choice I’d prefer to see Mario Williams knock someone unconscious than watch Owen Daniels get a first down. I’m just odd, I s’pose.
Anyway, because I’m a defensive guy, watching Richard Smith’s approach to my favorite side of the ball has been especially painful. Whether it’s repeatedly dropping Mario into coverage against a Tennessee team that didn’t really throw into the flat all day or benching his best cornerback in favor of someone who is in the conversation for worst player in the NFL, Smith consistently does everything wrong—and, conversely, nothing right—in his defensive playcalling. We’ve covered the lack of blitzing and general lack of common sense and even offered up a possible solution (that Smith would never apply because it takes courage and vision).
The one thing we haven’t really covered, however, except in post-game griping and general comments about defensive failure, is our pass-coverage philosophy. Yet, after seeing the predictable result of Petey Faggins one-on-one with a WR that only Nnamdi Asomugah could cover, I think it’s about time to tackle the defensive backfield. I hope to tackle it better than Will Demps is tackling right now.
First, some background. The Texans play a mix of man coverage (usually in the form of Cover-1 or Cover-2 Man) and Cover-2 zone. Just so we are all on the same page, let’s look at each of those schemes. (Note: as always, we are talking in generalizations here. There are a million tiny variations to all of these…none of which Richard Smith understands.)
Man/Cover-1 Theory. Our most common form of man coverage is the Cover-1. (Our second-most common form is the Cover-2 Man, but we’ll hit on that in a minute.) In Cover-1, the defense has one deep defender at or near the middle of the field (relative to the sidelines) and he is responsible for deep help. Underneath, you will generally have pure man coverage from your CBs and LBs, with the other safety—usually the SS—free to assist in man coverage, sneak up for run support, or blitz.
If you are paying attention, you can see the biggest flaw in the Cover-1: the deep safety is responsible for a TON of real estate and if he lacks the speed or guesses wrong on where to go, it is almost impossible for him to recover. Thus a Cover-1 requires a very good FS in the deep coverage.
Under Gregg Williams, the Redskins ran a Cover-1 as a base package quite a bit, with the thinking being that Sean Taylor was more than capable of playing the role. He was, but Williams continually failed to realize that the scheme put a tremendous amount of pressure on his corners—because they absolutely had to avoid getting burned deep—and they were most certainly not up to that task. Nevertheless, Williams’ reputation as an aggressive play-caller—a myth that we already addressed before the season—was due in large part to the Cover-1’s requirements.
What I mean by this is, because of the inherent flaw in Cover-1, teams that employ that coverage try to be more aggressive up front to prevent the opponent from having enough time to stretch the field and develop multiple deep routes, thereby protecting the safety. To do this, the Cover-1 attempts to employ many different blitz packages/man assigments, most of which revolve around bringing the SS up to LB depth and, from here, either blitzing him or blitzing a LB or CB with that safety picking up the appropriate receiver. For this to be effective, however, any non-blitzing CBs/LBs (especially the WLB) have to be able to cover until the pressure gets to the QB.
Cover-1 also suffers from plenty of room after the catch, as most or all of the underneath defenders are locked up in man coverage of their own and, should a WR catch the ball, are not in position to make a quick tackle. (Think Greg Camarillo on a slant.)
Why it doesn’t work for the Texans. I think you see where I am going with this. Basically, in this coverage, you are asking Will Demps to cover sideline to sideline, Brandon Harrison (or, prior, C.N. Brown) to lock up in man coverage, and Petey Faggins and Jacques Reeves to maintain tight man coverage until Richard Smith’s non-effective blitz package gets to the QB. It should come as no surprise that, in the aforementioned Immolation Of The Faggins looked to be in Cover-1. [EDIT: Triple347 says the Johnson completion was in quarter-quarter-half coverage. See comments for discussion.
Even worse, though, is that Smith bastardizes the hell out of his Cover-1. Far be it from him to send the SS on a blitz. No, he utilizes the SS almost entirely in pass coverage from the LB depth. Meaning that teams with even two games worth of film on the Texans' D quickly figure out that the SS is bluffing and, thus, they don't try to account for him in blitz pickup. Instead, they take advantage of the fact that our SSs don't backpedal all that well---most don't---and they abuse him in coverage or throw over the top of him if he is dropping back into a middle zone.
When Brown/Harrison aren't all the way up at LB depth, Smith sneaks the up toward the middle of the field and in behind DeMeco Ryans, almost as if they are playing some kind of non-commital run support. Behind our best tackler. Because he apparently needs the backup?
Cover-2/Cover-2 Man. "Cover-2" might be the most overused and misunderstood phrase in football defense today. Pretty much all teams will occasionally come out in something resembling a Cover-2, but most have a wrinkle of some sort because most lack the personnel to effectively run a true Cover-2.
Cover-2 is a 2-deep, 5-under zone system. In this coverage, both safeties are responsible for half of the deep part of the field. The CBs are in press coverage and are each responsible for 1/5th of the short/intermediate zone underneath the two safeties. The three linebackers are each responsible for another 1/5. Because the safeties will generally line up between their respective hashmark and the sideline and because they will work toward the sideline at the snap, the biggest hole in the Cover-2 coverage is in between them, behind the MLB.
[Quick side-note: The Tampa-2 variant drops the MLB into deeper coverage to address the hole in the straight Cover-2 and has the CBs/remaining LBs responsible for 1/4th of the field each.]
Whereas the Cover-1 attempts to be aggressive up front to prevent the big play, the Cover-2 typically uses just the four-man rush and attempts to take away the big play by going into a bend-don’t-break mode. There are holes in the coverage between the zones, so teams will tend to throw underneath the two safeties, which is just what the defense is encouraging.
In Cover-2 Man, the safeties still play the same way, but the coverage underneath is pure man. The safeties help with deep coverage into their zones, but the man coverage will stay with the receivers through those zones as well, effectively leading to double-coverage on deep routes.
Regardless of whether the team is in Cover-2 or Cover-2 Man, the one place they should never, ever get beat deep is on the sidelines. The CBs have the WRs through the intermediate zone and the safeties, who moved toward the sideline at the snap, pick them up as they get deeper. Assuming your safeties can do that (and that your CBs consider basic things like “turn your head” and “don’t get roasted off the line”), the Cover-2 allows you to force teams to throw short-to-intermediate passes toward the middle of the field (thereby giving you the added benefit of forcing the opposition to throw the ball past many more hands), with the safeties coming up to make quick tackles. Of course, that also requires that you have safeties that tackle well…
Why this doesn’t work for the Texans. Again, I think you see where this is headed. The corners that Smith insists on giving the most reps are incapable of defending balls thrown over the top of them. The safeties seem incapable of giving help in the intermediate zone or in picking up WRs as they come into the deep zone. Will Demps especially has the annoying habit of letting the WR coming into his zone get past him before he reacts.
It is telling that we are CONSISTENTLY beat along the sidelines at every depth. The basic tenets of this coverage require that you have safeties who can defend the go/corner routes, not let WRs get behind them, and, most importantly, don’t get so worried about the underneath stuff that you bite on double-move. Simply put, we don’t have that.
****
You see the most glaring common weakness through the whole discussion as it pertains to us? OUR SAFETIES ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO RUN ANY OF THE COVERAGES WE ARE ASKING THEM TO RUN. Oh, sure, our Faggins and Reeves are very bad and they deserve their fair share of the blame—blame I am more than happy to heap on Petey at every opportunity—but at least we have Dunta Robinson, Fred Bennett, and Antwaun Molden available. Cornerback could theoretically be fixed if the DC would use some common sense. But we are stuck with the safety corps that we currently feature.
So, how to fix it? By “hiding” the safeties in a Cover-3!
Cover-3 Theory. If you didn’t know it before, by now you’ve realized that the number in Cover-# refers to the numbers of players in the deep zone. It’s a handy shorthand, but it does tend to oversimplify things. Regardless, in the Cover-3, there are (shocking!) three guys in the deep zone, with each responsible for 1/3 of the field. But here’s the wrinkle: unlike the Cover-2, where the two deep players are safeties, the Cover-3 generally uses two corners and a safety in the deep zone.
in a standard 2-corner, 2-safety scheme, it works like this: On the snap, the FS moves toward the middle of the field. The two corners are playing up near the line and they break back, basically running with the WRs while working back to their deep thirds. The SS is freed to rotate into the flat, or blitz, or fill a LB zone if one of them blitzes, or any number of other things. Also, because he’s not responsible for a deep third, the SS does not have to be able to run with deep routes or backpedal all that well, so you make up for a lack of speed/cover skills at SS. The OLBs are responsible for the flats or hook zones, while the MLB is responsible for the intermediate middle (DeMeco would excel in this because of his sideline-to-sideline speed). In one fell swoop, you limited what you are asking each safety to do, you’ve created a situation where DeMeco is utilized to his full ability, you’ve maximized the value of the physical corners (Robinson, Bennett, possibly Molden) because you are allowing them to jam at the line and then run with the route so they can defend the short or intermediate stuff, AND you are putting your OLBs in a position to blitz or cover the hook zone rather than try to run man-to-man with a TE. And if you can teach him to turn his head, Reeves’ speed would be a huge asset in getting back to his deep third, so even he would be improved.
Sounds cool, no? But here’s where it gets even better. You can run all sorts of shapes and formations out of it. You can disguise it as man coverage by keeping the SS back in his normal spot with the CBs in press coverage. You can move the SS up into the box for run support or to blitz him. You can blitz one of the OLBs and abandon the hook zone, assuming you’ll get to him before the WR gets open in the hook/short zone, or have the SS fill that hook zone and hope the QB tries to throw behind the blitz. You can run a zone blitz in front of the Cover-3, something that would be near impossible in the Cover-2, with the DE dropping into the flat.
And there’s more—you can even change up your personnel within the scheme or the scheme within the personnel. Because the FS is playing deep center field and ball hawking, you could occasionally put Dunta in that role, with Molden and Bennett playing jam coverage, thereby getting your big physical corners on the field at the same time while also freeing up Dunta to try to knock people out. You could slide an athletic linebacker like Xavier Adibi into the SS role and have him up in the box doing the same thing your SS would be doing in the straight Cover-3. You can disguise the coverage and confuse the opponent by playing zone on one side while still letting Fred Bennett lock up in man coverage on the other side. Hell, you can run the Cover-3 with your nickel package, with one corner locking up in man, one dropping into a deep third, and both safeties staying back. (You’ll notice that ALL these iterations ask the safeties to do less than we are currently asking them to do, while attempting to create some confusion and pressure up front and maintain deep coverage across the entire deep zone.)
Now, of course, all defenses have holes and inherent weaknesses. Cover-3 is no different. It is particularly susceptible to short routes if the CBs are selling out to get back to their deep zones quickly. This can be overcome somewhat by cheating out just a little bit with the OLBs and getting them into the flats more quickly. Additionally, you can swap coverage zones every now and then—for example, have the SS retreat into the deep zone the CB rotate up into the hook/flat zone if you catch a QB trying to consistently throw underneath the retreating CB. Even with these drawbacks and flaws, I know I would feel a lot better asking Bennett to react to a quick hitch than asking Will Demps to make an open field tackle. (And I’m fairly confident that the 96-yarder to Calvin Johnson doesn’t happen if we are in Cover-3.)
***
Take just a second and think about this whole discussion. You have three basic coverage philosophies here. Your personnel is a bad fit for one, a horrible fit for one, and a pretty good fit for one. Why in the name of Durga would the bad one and the horrible one get used extensively while the pretty good fit gets left on the bench beside your best cover corner?
The answer, best I can tell, is because Richard Smith is trying to kill me.
Kickoff - Dia de los Muertos edition
Aug 29, 2008 Antwaun > Petey, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Faggination, Fluff, Kickoff, Posts that list too many players, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Roster
Back among the living. As noted here and elsewhere, the list of the dearly departed will be read in a solemn service on Texans TV at 3:30 CST today. In that vein, here’s my predicted roster (based on the roster makeup of the past few seasons):
QB: Matt Schaub, Sage Rosenfels
RB: Ahman Green, Steve Slaton, Vonta Leach, Chris Taylor, Darius Walker1
WR: Andre Johnson, Kevin Walter, Andre Davis, Jacoby Jones, David Anderson
TE: Owen Daniels, Mark Bruener, Joel Dreessen
OL: Eric Winston, Kasey Studdard, Mike Brisiel, Chester Pitts, Duane Brown, Chris Myers, Chris White, Ephraim Salaam, Brandon Frye, Greg Eslinger2DL: Mario Williams, Travis Johnson, Amobi Okoye, Anthony Weaver, Frank Okam, Earl Cochran, Tim Bulman, Deljuan Robinson, Rosevelt Colvin3, Gabe Long
LB: DeMeco Ryans, Zac Diles, Morlon Greenwood, Xavier Adibi, Kevin Bentley, Chaun Thompson4
CB: Fred Bennett, Jacques Reeves, Antwaun Molden, Jamar Fletcher, Petey Faggins5
S: Will Demps, Glenn Earl, Brandon Harrison6, C.C. BrownP: Matt Turk
K: Kris Brown
LS: Brian Pittman7
1I think the carrying of three TEs rather than four, plus the inherent brittleness of Ahman Green might save Darius Walker’s job.
2I would not be the least bit surprised if Rashad Butler got Eslinger’s spot.
3Could EASILY wind up being Kalu rather than Colvin, given the latter’s “play” this preseason, but I think they’ll give Rosey a chance in the regular season.
4I’m actually bummed about losing Ben Moffit and Kevis Coley, but I am guessing at least one gets on the PS. Also…I…I…um…Morlon…well, you know.
5SHIT.
6Dominique Barber to PS.
7Seriously, Bulman and Dreessen can long snap. Why is Bryan Pittman eating up space?
Why hast thou forsaken me? Speaking of Petey fucking Faggins, I’m beginning to suspect he has made a deal with the devil or something. After all, how do you explain his inspired (for him) first half?
BFD offered to tutor her in fluid dynamics, but she declined. Strange-but-true fact—Texans Cheerleader Summer is an aerospace engineer for NASA.
Bennett. Fred Bennett. Revisited.
Jul 21, 2008 Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Faggination, Secondary issues are primary, The Fred, The Future, Training camp 2008
In response to the article quoted in this post, I emailed KC Joyner and asked for a little more explanation of the methodology. He was kind enough to reply.
Try this on for an expansion:
In Scientific Football 2008 and my 2008 Draft Guide (both of which can be ordered at www.TheFootballScientist.com) I rated matchups by color ranking, with red being difficult, yellow being average and green being favorable. Against red matchup WRs in 2007 (those that gained 9.0 YPA or higher), Bennett allowed only 6.8 YPA. That’s very good (29th best out of 95 qualifiers) but it pales in comparison to how Bennett handled yellow rated (7-9 YPA) and green rated (less than 7 YPA) WRs. His 3.3 versus yellow rated was the 2nd best in the league and his 3.0 against green rated was tied for 19th. Add them all up and his overall YPA against WRs was 2nd best in the league. I’ve been touting him as a future Pro Bowl candidate for how well he played last year.
So, hopefully, that clears it up a bit more. Bennett was good against top-notch receivers, very good against mediocre guys, and downright dominant against the guys in-between. The good news being, of course, that if you assume talent is distributed on a bell curve, Bennett (and all corners) are going to face a lot more “yellow” receivers than “red” or “green” ones.
Now, I know this seems foreign to us as Texans fans, but IF Molden really is ahead of where Bennett was this time last year (as sources seem to be saying) AND IF Ray Rhodes really saw enough talent in Jacques Reeves that the organization thought Reeves was worth that price tag AND IF Dunta comes back at even 90% of where he was…well, kids, we might just be in the enviable situation of having too many very good (or better) CBs. (And, as a bonus, we can finally give Petey his walking papers.) Even better, with only one or two of those IFs coming to fruition, we are finally set at CB.
This is all foreign and slightly frightening. Hold me.
Waiting for the punchline
Apr 24, 2008 DRC, Dancing With the 'Tards, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Faggination, Huh?
For your Thursday morning enjoyment, I present a Chron article from 2005 singing the praises of one DeMarcus “Petey” Faggins.
Faggins is exactly what defense needs
[...]
By starting Faggins in place of Phillip Buchanon at cornerback and Shantee Orr in place of Jason Babin at outside linebacker, the Texans are making it clear that no longer do reputations and draft position have priority.
It’s about who can make plays. And who’s hungrier.
Faggins is all that. He’s the guy you keep wanting to ignore but can’t. He plays every snap as if he must do his job or start packing. Same thing with Orr.
[...]
“When I first got here last season, and I heard all this talk about the Texans need another corner, I came into camp and I saw this guy, No. 38,” Robinson said. “He’s all over and I’m like, `Dang, is he a new guy or something?’ The same thing this spring. … (Faggins) is a playmaker.”
He’s the one always volunteering for repetitions, no matter if they’re with the scout team. He’s the one always asking for a chance until he finally gets one.
That was Faggins two Sundays ago as Buchanon seemingly tripped over his press clippings while attempting to tackle Pittsburgh Steelers running back Willie Parker near the goal line.
Ready to go with his helmet on, Faggins watched as things went from bad to worse to putrid.
“They made the decision right there on the sideline,” Faggins said. “I guess they felt like some guys weren’t playing up to their potential. I just heard Dom say, `Put Petey in.’ ”
Petey, as Faggins is called, did not astound anyone the rest of the way in that loss. But he made a couple of plays. He made no mistakes. He stayed in position, and it was enough to earn him the start today against the Cincinnati Bengals.
[...]
“The more you’re around him the more comfortable you get because he gives you great effort, he competes every down (and) he doesn’t want anybody to catch a pass on him,” Capers said. “When you talk to these guys, you tell them this is a game of opportunity. Whether you’re running the service team, or running the other team’s offense or defense. He earned this the old-fashioned way.”
Wow. If you read the article with visions of the Atlanta game in your head, you start to giggle and assume that the whole thing is just a big sarcastic joke.
Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho
Apr 9, 2008 Bad Juju, Blasphemy, Dancing With the 'Tards, Faggination, Houston Chronicle, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Putting people on notice, Revenge of Durga!, Tempting Fate
I do not mean to alarm anyone, but it seems that DGDB&D is the most powerful blog in the universe. Sure, there are blogs that get way more hits. There are blogs that entertain without making dick jokes. There are even blogs that people are willing to pay to advertise on.
But there are NO other blogs that have accidentally reincarnated a Hindu goddess.
SAINI SUNPURA, India — A baby with two faces was born in a northern Indian village, where she is doing well and is being worshipped as the reincarnation of a Hindu goddess, her father said today. [***]
Rural India is deeply superstitious and the little girl is being hailed as a return of the Hindu goddess of valor, Durga, a fiery deity traditionally depicted with three eyes and many arms.
Up to 100 people have been visiting Lali at her home every day to touch her feet out of respect, offer money and receive blessings, Singh told The Associated Press.
“Lali is God’s gift to us,” said Jaipal Singh, a member of the local village council. “She has brought fame to our village.”
Village chief Daulat Ram said he planned to build a temple to Durga in the village.
This blog’s reliance of Durga to do the dirty work that certain Christian deities were unable or unwilling to do is well documented. Thus, I take full credit for the return of this goddess to Earth. The negative among you might think that this is a rather ominous sign for me. To that, I say p’shaw! This is a sign that Durga realized she needed to be on Earth to properly dispose of Petey Faggins. Her attempt from the ethereal realm of, um, wherever Hindu gods reside had the unintended consequence of injuring Dunta Robinson. She won’t make that mistake again, Petey. No sir, she’s here and she’s taking careful aim, sucka. You dead, dawg.
In related news, as reader Brent pointed out, it’s rather ironic that the Chronicle’s coverage of a Hindu goddess is much better than their coverage of a certain local football team.
Ladies and gentleman, meet my new Petey Faggins
Mar 1, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Anger, Beer, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Faggination, Fuck, Fuck the Cowboys, You remind me of ____, You'd like to think I was joking
According to Pancakes, the Texans have signed the execrable Jacques Reeves. My favorite line of the article:
At 5-11, 188 pounds, the 25-year-old Reeves is the veteran cornerback the Texans targeted.
W.T.F? Are you kidding me? Well, at least he adds this:
They’re still going to draft a cornerback, maybe two, and they might sign another veteran.
Ya think? And if Reeves really was that key veteran CB, why would we need to go out and sign another half dozen players?
I went to see what Tim had to say, and that guy could make lemonade out of a gallon of goat piss. Alas, I am not similarly gifted. I’m more the guy who sits on his porch and throws rakes at squirrels, yelling “Get off my lawn!” Kids, of course, get ice picks.
Because I get this perverse enjoyment from watching the Cowboys suck, I openly rooted for teams to throw against Reeves as he reminded me of DGDB&D Hall of Famer Petey Faggins. This was, and will be, a poor signing, and I feel like we have to take a CB with #18 in order to simply keep Reeves off the field. I just don’t think we have a choice now. But, luckily, our new Texan who’ll resemble a Molotov cocktail will cost only $4MM/year.
Where’s my rubbing alcohol? I could really use a drink.
Mr. and Mrs. Glass
Feb 20, 2008 Faggination, Fake Conversations with Real People, Jerome Mathis got hurt reading this, Johnny Fisterbottom, Pro Bowl 2008, Too far?, Tremendous Busts, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
February 15, 2008. Manvel, TX. 10:30PM.
Jerome Mathis: (in car, to himself) Damn. DAMN! I have completely fucked up. Fuck. She is going to be pissed, too. Why the fuck did I let the dogs get out? After the year I had…man…I’m fucked.
(pulls into driveway, goes into house) Erica! Erica?! You here?
Erica Smith: (from upstairs) Yeah, I’m upstairs. Hold on. I’ll be down in a minute.
Mathis: (to self) Fuuuuuck. OK, Jerome. Hold it together. You’re a Pro Bowler; you’ll get a job somewhere. And she loves you for you…y’all having a baby together and shit. OK, here she comes. Stay calm. Don’t get defensive… (to Smith) Hey, baby! How was your day?!
Smith: Motherfucker, how do you think my day was?! I am fucking pregnant. I threw up this morning, then I was tired, then my feet started hurting, then I threw up again, then I had to nap for a while. That’s how MY day was. But that’s not what concerns me right now. What concerns me is whether you talked to McNair about what we talked about last night.
Mathis: Yeah, I did.
Smith: And?!?
Mathis: He said the team wasn’t entirely sure if they were going to bring me back. He said the pit bull incidents really having him questioning whether I have the right kind of character to be a Houston Texan.
Smith: You ignorant motherfucker! I told your stupid ass to chain those dogs up! Did you listen?! Fuck, no, you didn’t listen. You just let those mutts go out and maul some people. Brilliant. Asshole. Did you at least mention that you were a Pro Bowler not that long ago?
Mathis: Yo, you need to ease up off me a little bit. I thought I told you I wasn’t going to put up with that kind of tone anymore.
Smith: Fuck you, jack. Who the fuck do you think you are? Motherfuckin’ Ron O’Neal or somethin’? Talkin’ ’bout I better not talk to you like that.
Mathis: Look, bitch, seriously…I’m not going to put up with much more of this lip.
Smith: Whatchu gonna do, then? You ain’t gonna hit a pregnant woman. Besides…remember what happened last time you tried to pick a fight with me. You want your ass kicked again?
Mathis: Bitch, I told you I had a sinus infection. And I was kinda drunk. You can’t take me in a fair fight and you know it! I’m in the NFL, goddamnit.
Smith: Yeah…that “F” stands for “Fragile As A Motherfucker.”
Mathis: I am leaving before you make me break my foot off in your ass. (turns to leave, pauses, turns back) Hey, where the hell is my phone charger? I need it–my Blackberry is dead.
Smith: Just like your career, apparently.
Mathis: Shut up. Just go get my charger. (shoves Smith)
Smith: Make me, bitch.
Mathis: That’s it. It’s on now! (grabs Smith by the throat) Yeah! You like that?! You like…wait…what the fuck…LET GO OF MY NUTS!!! OW OW OW OW OW!!! FUUUUUCK!!!! (begins weeping)
Smith: Yeah! You think you’re bad?! You ain’t bad! You ain’t shit!! Get the fuck out of my house, bitch! (throws him out the front door, locks it behind him, heads back upstairs)
Will Demps: (from closet) Everything cool.
Smith: Yeah, baby. It’s cool. Come give mama some of the black throbbing Jesus before I call the police on his unemployed ass. I love me some Pro Bowler sex.
The Dead Zone
Nov 4, 2007 2007 Season, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Faggination, Injury bug, Posts that list too many players, The Fred, You're the Man Now Dog
By week 9, no team is at 100%. Football definitely takes a piece of your roster nearly every week. Still, look at the following list (courtesy of BRB):
J. Fletcher–out (appendicitis)
M. Schaub–out (concussion)
K. Studdard–out (groin)
A. Johnson–out (knee)
K. Brown–probable (plant foot)
C. Pitts–probable (illness)
C.(C.) Brown–probable (shoulder)
O. Daniels–probable (ankle)
A. Davis–probable (chest)
J. Dreessen–probable (elbow)
M. Flanagan–probable (head)
D. Ryans–probable (ankle)
E. Salaam–probable (hand)
J. Echemandu–probable (thigh)
A. Green–probable (knee)
Sure, most of those guys are probable, but that is a whole lot of nicks and scraps and dings and dents for a team that came into the season with very little depth. And that list doesn’t even include the following guys who are out for the year:
C. Spencer–out (broken leg)
S. McKinney–out (knee)
J. Mathis–out (yearly injury)
C. Killings–out (broken neck)
J. Simmons–out (knee)
G. Earl–out (foot)
S. Barber–out (neck)
B. Harrison–out (hamstring)
J. Horton–out (broken arm)
K. Barry– out (torn biceps)
C. Taylor–out (knee)
J. Abbate–out (ankle)
R. Alexander–out (knee)
Good lord.
In other fagginating player news, as Jersey Bill pointed out, Durga totally hooked me up and had Petey removed as starter. Long live The Fred! It should be noted, though, that although the team is suggesting that Petey will excel at nickel–a belief I shared before the season, by the way–he hasn’t exactly excelled in his time there this year. By which I mean he’s also played that position like crap.
Still, this move makes sense for any number of reasons that we’ve all screamed at one another all season. It lets us see if Bennett can play, it moves our weak link to a less-important (relatively speaking) position, etc. I, for one, am thrilled.
Sweet!
Oct 10, 2007 Demarcus Faggins sucks, Faggination, Secondary issues are primary, The Fred
Is there a word for a situation in which you are pissed at how long something took but incredibly pleased with the end result? I can’t think of one, so I am just going to make one up: fagginated.
For example, suppose you were at your favorite steakhouse and you ordered a porterhouse. Forty-five minutes later, you still haven’t received your steak and you are angry. However, when you get the steak, it is literally the best steak you’ve ever eaten. You could then say that you were “fagginated with the steak.”
Of course, I bring this up because–as first noted by Tim–the Texans are pleased with Fred Bennett’s corner play and pleased with Petey Faggins‘ play at nickel on passing downs. I am so fagginated by this development that I am literally beside myself with faggination.
“It was a very good suggestion from our head coach,” secondary coach Jon Hoke said[.] “It gave Fred a chance to play, and I thought Petey responded in the right way. He stepped up and performed very well.”
Faggins, who had been pulled against Atlanta the previous week after committing a series of costly penalties, started at left corner, but Bennett spelled him every third series. In passing situations, Faggins moved inside and became the nickel back while Bennett stayed on the corner. While neither played flawlessly, both had their moments, and the Dolphins were held to 146 yards passing.
Brilliant! Seriously, though, the coaching staff has come to the (shocking!) conclusion that playing our best nickel back at nickel back and letting someone less bad play the corner position might just be the way to go. The reason this fagginates me is because I said the same thing…on September 24. Not that I expect anyone to listen to me, but if it is that obvious to some fool blogger, it’s not exactly rocket surgery.
