DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

You saw the previous discussion of the paucity of talent at defensive end.  You sobbed silently at your desk while discussing free safeties and strong safeties.  You were sure the worst was behind us.  But wait, there’s less!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to talk about Defensive Tackle.

Now, if you’ve been reading this blog for more than about a week, you know that I scream and rant and rave about the need to differentiate between the Nose Tackle and the Under Tackle as two wholly different positions in the 4-3.  And I would love to do that here.  Unfortunately, even though the team ran a 3-4 for YEARS, Frank Okam is the first true two-gap NT we’ve ever had and he’s yet to play a real game, so I can’t hardly just pick him and move on.  Thus, unfortunately, the DTs are getting lumped together.

The candidates:
Seth Payne
Steve Martin
Travis Johnson
Anthony Maddox
Amobi Okoye

*looks at list, throws up*

While he could have been a solid under tackle, Seth Payne was in no way, shape or form a nose tackle, even in a 4-3.  Yet he played the position for years in a 3-4.  Which goes a LOOOOOONG way toward explaining Jamie Sharper’s ridiculous tackle numbers.  Now, to be fair to Payne, he busted his ass for us and played surprisingly well ok. His nine sacks, two forced fumbles, and 196 tackles over five seasons are not HOF numbers, but they are certainly better than nothing.

Despite being almost heavy enough to look like a nose tackle on television, Steve Martin made Seth Payne look like Casey Hampton.  (Side note: That 2003 line of Corey Sears, Steve Martin, and Jerry DeLoach might be the worst front three ever assembled.)

Travis Johnson.  Bah.  In three years (24 starts), Johnson has 1 sack, 1 INT, 78 tackles, and 6 passes defended.  He has never once forced or recovered a fumble.  I’m not even sure how that is possible as a nose tackle, but whatever.  But, hey, at least we didn’t waste a high draft pick on him!  Oh…damn.

Anthony Maddox—a man who was delivering furniture when the Texans called him for a tryout and who only started 3 games last year because he lost his starting gig—has 4 career sacks, a FF, a FR, a 47-yard TD on that recovery, and 53 tackles.  Which makes him better than Steve Martin and Travis Johnson combined.

Amobi Okoye had 5.5 sacks, 32 tackles, and a forced fumble in his only season.  This despite it being painfully clear that he hit a real wall around week 12, which is what happens when you are drafted at 19 freakin’ years old.

Result: I am going with Seth Payne and Amobi Okoye for the all-timers.

*Note: I intentionally left out the guys who are really DEs but would move inside on occasion like Weaver and Smith.

At least judging by the answers he gave in the Houston Texans 2008 Official Yearbook, he is.  All of the draftees were asked some get-to-know-you questions. Here are the answers:

If I were not a football player, I would be:

Duane Brown: A basketball player. I love basketball. I had a couple of offers from smaller schools coming out of high school. Every chance I get, I try to get out there and run around a little bit on the court.

Antwaun Molden: A motivational speaker. I love giving back to the community. When I grew up, I never had that figure, that role model in my life. So I know how important it is for kids to have that positive figure in their lives.

Steve Slaton: A chef. I like to cook.

Xavier Adibi: A basketball player. I played a lot as a kid.

Frank Okam: A chef. I really like to cook. I like to try different things in the kitchen. I started at a very early age, so I can say it’s probably one of my talents.

Dominique Barber: A hockey player. I grew up playing hockey since I was [a] little kid, two years old, just like football.

Alex Brink: Probably in school still, studying, trying to get my MBA.

When I’m not at work, I’m most often:

Brown: Playing video games — Madden or NBA 2k8. It’s just something me and my friends always get a kick out of — heated rivalries.

Molden: Reading on stocks. I read Benjamin Graham, Warren Buffett. I’ve been doing it for a year-and-a-half [sic] now.

Slaton: Usually listening to music.

Adibi: Playing Xbox — NBA 2k8 and Madden.

Okam: Sleeping, especially on this level, I get a lot of rest. But if I’m doing something, I like to be around people. I’m a people person, and that’s important to me.

Barber: Watching hockey, trying to fish or trying to golf.

Favorite all-time song:

Brown: I’d say “The World Is Yours,” by Nas.

Slaton: I don’t know about all-time, but right now it’s Mary J. Blige and Jay-Z, “You’re Welcome.”

Adibi: Sam Cooke, “Long Time Coming (A Change Is Gonna Come).”

Barber: I would say “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough,” Temptations. [Ed. note: I wonder if he actually means the original version by Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell or the later cover done by the Supremes and Temptations? Because the former is MUCH better.]

Brink: I would probably have to say Eminem, “Lose Yourself.”

Favorite non-football sports moment:

Molden: In 2003, we won a national championship in 2003 at NC State in the Adidas National Championship.

Slaton: I ran track in high school, and we did really well in the Penn Relays.

Adibi: My first dunk in a high school game. I was in the ninth grade. Everybody just went crazy.

Barber: Going to the state high school hockey tournament my senior year, just being at the Excel Energy Center where the Minnesota Wild play. It was a memorable moment for me.

Brink: My senior year of high school, I was all state in baseball. Baseball was my favorite sport, so it was awesome to get a little recognition there. I thought about playing in college but didn’t end up doing it because I was in a quarterback battle for like three springs in a row, so I didn’t have time.

Favorite cartoon as a kid:

Brown: “Scooby Doo.”

Molden: I would definitely have to say “Ninja Turtles.”

Slaton: “The Angry Beavers.”

Adibi: “X-Men.”

Okam: Probably sounds a little corny, but it was “Darkwing Duck.”

Barber: “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” Absolutely.

Brink: “Duck Tales.”

What actor would play you in a movie about your life?

Adibi: Will Smith. He just reminds me of myself, you know: tall, handsome…

Okam: Probably Michael Clarke Duncan. Everybody tells me I look like the guy from “The Green Mile,” so it’d have to be somebody pretty big.

Brink: I don’t know…Matthew McConaughey maybe. I think he’s a good actor.

Favorite guity pleasure:

Brown: Cheesecake. I love cheesecake.

Molden: I used to play a lot of video games in high school. I definitely grew out of that now, though. I haven’t picked up a controller in three or four years.

Slaton: Eating cake.

Adibi: I ate a lot of Snickers when I was growing up.

Barber: Cold Stone ice cream. When you can get the whole mixture of my favorite candy, Kit Kat, Snickers…it’s bad.

Brink: My mom’s chocolate chip cookies. No doubt.

Special talents:

Brown: I play the alto saxophone. I started playing that in sixth grade, so I went about eight years straight. I haven’t played in a while, though.

Slaton: Not many people know that I am a really good cook.

Brink: None. I’m very one-dimensional.

Ideal SportsCenter highlight:

Brown: I would just say become tackle eligible or something like that in the red zone, get the ball in my hands somehow and score a touchdown. That’d be my ultimate SportsCenter moment.

Molden: My perfect SportsCenter highlight would be after the Pro Bowl, on ESPN after a great Pro Bowl performance, one of the cast asking me, “What were you thinking on this play when you took an interception to the ouse in the Pro Bowl?” [Ed. note: The Pro Bowl?  Weak.]

Slaton: The first time I touch the ball in the regular season, I take it all the way for a touchdown.

Adibi: Maybe just running through a quarterback’s back and him fumbling, me picking it up and going to the end zone with it.

Okam: You know, it’d probably be a game to clinch going to the playoffs against the Titans and being able to sack Vince Young and cause a fumble and return it for a touchdown. Playing with him at Texas, you never got to touch him because we’ve got that quarterback ruleor whaever,so if I ever get a chance to do that, I’l tell him, “This is what I would’ve been doing to you all those years in college.” [Ed. Note: I didn't think it was possible, but I love Big Frank's selection even more after this answer.]

Barber: I would say a pick to te house, an interception to the house vrsus the Cowboys with my brother (Cowboys RB Marion Barber III) chasing me.

Brink: I would be running for a touchdown and I’d probably be leaping over somebody at the pylonlike Reggie Bush. That would be my ultimate highlight.

Look, kids! Haley’s comet! Chris Brown practiced yesterday, meaning that his ruptured labia must be healing nicely.  I’m putting the over/under on the number of consecutive practices he makes it to at 3.5.

I got yer “low profile” right here. Want to see the most superficial look at Houston’s training camp?  Look no further than this write-up from the Sporting News.  For every decent point Greenberg makes, he follows it up with something asinine.  Seriously, find me someone who says Dunta Robinson is the best defensive player on this team and I’ll show you someone who is a total dipshit.  Dunta’s good, and he might be the “heart” of the defense, but DeMeco and Mario are WAY better respective to their positions than DR is.  (Also, if this guy really believes Frank Okam “won’t see the field much” in 2008, he probably also believes that Vince Young is a great QB.)

New rule: If you write fantasy football articles for a living and as recently as yesterday you were claiming that Chris Brown was your “pick to be the opening day starter,” you should probably go into a new line of work.  Or, you know, do a little research before you write this crap.

Finally. Caption this pic of Baby Shan.

Praise Durga.  As Steph mentioned in the comments to a previous post, Peyton Manning will miss about 6 weeks after having surgery to remove an infected bursa sac. They say he will be ready to go by the start of the season, but a 10-year vet having knee surgery (even minor knee surgery) doesn’t sound like the type of thing that is guaranteed to turn out well.  Some people would say, “man, I hope he comes back because I want the Colts to be at full strength when we beat them.”  To that, I say “you, sir, are an idiot.”

The other guys on the team / Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads / And also like to hide the special shoe / I need to kick in the snow. Scout.com interviewed Kris Brown.  It’s your typical Q&A fluff, though the part about tuition reimbursement for former players is kind of neat. (OK, fine, it’s not neat.  You win.  I only posted this story so I could bust out some Lonesome Kicker lyrics.)

They say nothing of Frank Okam’s evil genius, however. Nothing new in this breakdown of Texans’ training camp goals, but it does repeat all the stuff we’ve been talking about for a while.  I’m just glad to finally see other outlets saying this stuff instead of “line bad…bah, Texans suck” or whatever.

7:45 PM.  Kevin Bentley’s meticulously-appointed, feng shui-friendly loft apartment. Houston, TX.

Kevin Bentley: (doing situps, counting in Mandarin) …shi si, shi wu, shi liu…

(knock at the door)

Bentley: Enter!  (resumes situps) …shi qi, shi ba, shi jiu…

Frank Okam: Hello, Kevin.

Bentley: Welcome, Francis.  Please, come in and make yourself at home.  I shall only be a few more moments. (finishes situps) …er shi.  (towels off)  What brings you here, Francis?  More questions regarding string theory?

Okam: Not tonight, Kevin.  No, this eve finds me possessed of a worried mind fettered by dastardly plans.

Bentley: Do tell, young squire. You have piqued my interest most assuredly.

Okam: First, allow me to posit an ontological query. Can one actively pursue the destruction of another without in turn destroying himself?  Which is to say, does the driving out of existence one’s enemy have a similarly deleterious effect on one’s own self?

Bentley: Interesting question, Francis. To my way of thinking, when one focuses on his own being qua being, his interactions with others become a necessary rubric for understanding one’s self. That said, those interactions with others only help to cast light upon one’s own being; they are not a condition precedent for being.

(cell phone rings)

Bentley: A moment, Francis.  (answers phone) Hello….yes…I see…well, have you spoken to your sister about it?…and she is fine with the idea?…I see…no, nothing rough…yes…indeed…I shall see you both in one hour. (hangs up)

(resumes discussion) Thus, the destruction — either literal or merely relative to his current socio-economic status — of one’s enemy does not impact one’s being so much as allow one to see the side of his being which is capable of such malevolence.

Okam: Interesting.  So, by that rationale, the capacity to destroy is a characteristic of the destroyer’s being, for better or worse, and does not, in fact, define the being any more than, say, a predilection toward certain cereal brands would?

Bentley: Precisely — so the question is not “will one’s destruction of another bring about one’s own destruction,”

(cell phone rings)

Bentley: Apologies, dear friend. (answers phone) Hello…this is he…the going rate is $500 and hour…yes, that works out to just over $29 per inch per hour…indeed…I can work you in three hours from now…of course…you can make it payable to Lyndon Veins Johnson…yes, see you then. (hangs up)

(resumes discussion) but, rather “can one tolerate the self-reflection that knowing one’s capacity to destroy provides?” Now, obviously, if the answer to the second query is negative, then it could very well be that, by extension, the decision to destroy the other person might lead to one’s own destruction, but it does not by definition have to lead there.

(cell phone rings)

Bentley: Excuse me for just another second or two, Francis.  (answers phone) Hello…speaking…I leave the decisions regarding lubricant to you…sure, but that runs slightly more…all cards except Discover…I ask that you wash it first…of course…see you in five hours. (hangs up phone)

(resumes discussion) But now, Francis, with that query answered satisfactorily, I must inquire as to what tipped you off to my wager with William?

Okam: You find me at a loss for response, sir; I am unaware as to any wager with anyone. I was speaking on behalf of my own concerns and issues. Might you elaborate upon this wager?

Bentley: Well, Francis, upon the realization that the female population is not ample enough to sustain both myself and William Demps, he and I entered into an agreement whereby the first one to bed a predetermined target female would win, forcing the other competitor to leave Houston and the Texans organization at once.

Okam: How very fascinating!  Yet, I have found myself wondering of late how someone as vapid as William could find constant success with the ladies.  Surely this competition is most heavily tilted in your favor!

Bentley: One would certainly think so, but Mr. Demps possesses a certain manner of talking to women that makes him, at times, irresistible to them.  He is, if you will, a “cunning linguist.”

Okam: Good show!  Well played, indeed!

Bentley: Thank you.  I found that aphorism quite humorous as well.

Okam: I assume the target female was chosen for her relative unattainability?

Bentley: Very intuitive, young Francis. The target female is none other than Rhonda Kubiak.

Okam: I imagine my face reveals my utter amazement at your answer!

Bentley: Quite!  (laughs, composes self, checks watch) I have greatly enjoyed this conversation, Francis.  Now, I hope you don’t think me a boor, but I must excuse myself post haste.  For, if I don’t apply the champagne and talcum powder mask to my testicles before engaging in tonight’s activities, I will surely find myself chaffed come the morrow.

(cell phone rings)

Bentley: I shall call you soon, Francis.  (answers phone) Hello…

Hello, peoples.  Travis Johnson here.  As I’m sure you noticed if you drove anywhere over this past weekend, gas be expensive as a motherfucker right now.  And everyone be complaining about it, saying how they can’t afford it and shit.  ‘Cept, when most people bitch about gas prices, they don’t consider the big picture of how those prices can affect other parts of their lives.  Travis, on the other hand, is a master of the big picture.  I actually took a class in “big picture thinking” at Florida State.

Or…wait…no…that was “motion pictures,” but same shit, ya know?  After all, good ass movies like Mission: Impossible have all sorts of car chases and exploding trains and shit like that, and that kind of shit takes fuel, meaning that rising gas prices are going to make the movies more expensive.  Unless you want to do nothing but ninja movies, since ninjas are, um, solar powered.  And, ya know, Travis loves him a good ninja flick, but eventually people are going to get tired of ninja movies, and then you have to bring back shit blowing up, and then you run into those fuel costs again.  It’s a vicious circle.

But what if you don’t like movies?  Travis hears that a lot when I be explainin’ this shit to people, like that is some kind of damned excuse.  I mean, you might not like donuts, but you can be sure that the people who do like donuts are going to be lined up waiting to get into Krispy Kreme when that “Hot Fresh Now” sign is flashin’, and you are going to be stuck in that traffic, burnin’ gas while your car idles.  It’s the same way with the movies, too, cuz it don’t always matter what you like when you start talking about global economies, dig?

No?  Damn it, y’all be dense.  Let me spell this shit out real simple like, since y’all can’t seem to follow Travis’ next-level thinkin’.

Where does gas come from?  That’s right — it’s the remains of dead dinosaurs that Jesus turned into liquid so he could power his car.  Jesus was recyclin’ and goin’ green before it was the hip thing to do, but Jesus was always way ahead of the curve when it came to social trends.  He rocked the long hair, had the original Tevas, home-brewed his own wine, knew that chicks would dig scars…that kinda shit, man.  Anyway,  Jesus thought he made enough that there would be oil forever, but he didn’t consider that some of y’all greedy motherfuckers would drive Hummers and shit.  So, now we be runnin’ out of oil, which decreases the supply.

At the same time, the people who control the oil, the Arabs, hate the people who control the media, the Jews, because the Jews have a liberal bias and they be tellin’ folks to buy, like, hybrids and shit and they keep showing shows like Two And A Half Men, which really has nothing to do with oil, but is still hated by the Arabs.  And, really, you can’t blame them because that Charlie Sheen was bangin’ the one ho from Wild Things and now he’s not, so he is like, gay, and stuff, and they hate gays.  So there is even LESS oil available.

So…yeah, because of all that shit, the price of gas is going up and that is going to affect NFL teams just like it affects y’all.  For one thing, it is going to become more expensive to scout new players, because the scouts have to drive or fly because they all think they too special to take a train because it is a scientific fact that trains make you dizzy and maybe make you throw up.  Travis knows because he took a train once…it was electric and it went real fast, but it just kept going in circles and up and down these big ol’ hills and it even went upside down at one point, and then I guess the driver forgot some of his shit, because we wound up back in the same place we started and they made us all get off and told us we’d have to stand in line again if we wanted to ride and Travis wasn’t about to stand in no line with a bunch of screamin’ ass kids when he had just been on the train a few minutes before.  And, since then, I ain’t never took no trains nomore and I don’t really blame the scouts for refusing to take them.  So, instead, they drive or fly and they use more of that $4 per gallon gas.

Oh, and get this, footballs might actually make the price of gas go up more!  I mean, we call them pigskins, but they ain’t actually made from pigs.  In fact, according to my cousin Del’ron, who watches Discovery channel when he’s high, they made from leather.  And leather comes from cows and, since we have to kill the cows to get the leather, the cows be dead and dead cows can’t make more of that fart gas alternative fuel, so people have to use regular gas.  So, the more footballs that are made, the more gas that is going to be used.  That ain’t good, peoples.  That ain’t good at all.

Fortunately, Travis has a plan that can help the Texans minimize the impact of these gas prices.  I call it the “Pay Travis” plan.  Because, let’s be honest here, God don’t like ugly and Travis’ current deal be ugly as that Betty bitch.  Anyway, in the “Pay Travis” plan, the Texans would pay Travis.  That’s how I came up with the name.

It’s a simple plan, really.  Since it is going to be more ’spensive to scout for new players, the Texans should lock up the players they have right now, starting with Travis Johnson.  I mean, sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiit dude, if a barrel of oil is $150 or $200 or whatever the fuck, you tellin’ me that Travis ain’t worth at least, say, eleventy million dollars a year?  C’mon, man…you know I’m right.  So, that’s the plan, you give Travis eleventy million dollars per year for, say, threeve years, and that allows you to ride out this spike in the gas prices without expending extra dollars for scouting.  Even better, since Travis plays defense, I don’t need no new footballs to practice with, so you wouldn’t have to buy so many, so other people would benefit.  Travis always doing shit for other people.  Travis loves da kids, just like Trick Daddy does.

Now, I know you might be saying that Travis’ play hasn’t been good enough to deserve a raise, even if helps cut down on the gas prices.  To that, Travis says “fuck you, bitch.”  Travis has played very well — y’all just don’t understand what defensive tackles do, man.  You want Travis on that line; you NEED Travis on that line.  That Frank Okam?  Man, that dude ain’t nuthin’ but a no-account rookie shitbag.  And, I heard that he likes to cut down trees and burn them with gasoline.  That don’t sound like the kind of socially responsible player Mr. Bob be likin’ on this team.  Oh, and Frank also leaves his Hummer running in the parking lot during practice, just so it’ll be nice and cool for him when he gets in.  How messed up is that?!

So, yeah, if the Texans are really wanting to help out with rising gas prices, they should do the socially responsible thing and pay Travis.  And cut Frank Okam.  Oh, and also, recycle.

Back to the lists, bitches.  You call it filler, I call it…well…filler.  But that’s beside the point.  This post was originally going to be Top 5 Worst Texans, regardless of position.  After a short conversation with Tim, however, I quickly realized that there are, sadly, too many deserving players to narrow the list to five.  The defensive guys come first here because we are all about defense in these parts.  We’ll cover the offense tomorrow.

Note: The only requirement to be on this list was a minimum of 10 games started in a Texans uni.  Thus, Boselli, Joppru, etc., are not eligible.

5. Cory Sears, DE.  The fact that Sears started 12 games at LDE for the team in 2003 (also known as 3 B.M. (Before Mario)) should tell you all you need to know about the early Texans’ defensive line.  He racked up an “impressive” 1 sack and 26 solo tackles.  He also had one sack the previous season (4 B.M.) as a non-starter.  And they say we didn’t have a pass rush???

4. Travis Johnson, DT. One career sack.  One career INT.  58 solo tackles in three years.  Roughly 30 personal fouls for blatant stupidity.  About the only thing he’s got going for him is that the coaching staff is convinced that he will still live up to his draft status.  Well, until he is officially supplanted by evil genius Frank Okam.

3. Phillip Buchanon, CB.  Showtime’s failures have been chronicled here over the last week in these Top 5 lists, so there’s not much to add.  Well, other than the fact that he tackled worse than any player we’ve ever had.

2. Matt Stevens, FS.  Tim once relayed to me that he tried to name BRB “Shaking Matt Stevens,” but it was vetoed as being too obscure.  It wouldn’t have been the least bit obscure to Texans fans, however, who still remember Matt Stevens as the poster child for blown coverage, failed tackles, and general shittiness.  He apparently was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident, but, contrary to popular belief, this occurred after he left the Texans organization.  (I’m going to Hell.)

1. DeMarcus “Petey” Faggins, CB.  Wow…where to start?  It’s not like Faggins suckiness in 2007 was a sudden change of course — he’d sucked badly enough in previous seasons that I spent most of last preseason screaming (in written form) that he should not be starting.  Then came the Atlanta game.  Ugh.  I know the whole story of “he’s a pretty decent nickel corner” and, while that might have been true at one point, moving him back to nickel last year didn’t really help his play.  Still, I wonder how true the idea that he was a good third corner is.  He was playing with some pretty subpar secondaries throughout his days as NCB, so it’s just as likely that the QBs were picking on other players a lot of the time.  Either way, Petey sucked at some level then, sucks horrifically now, and wins the honor of the Suckiest Suck to ever Suck. I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.

Also receiving votes: Jerry DeLoach, Lewis Sanders, Marlon McCree.

**All stats courtesy of Pro Football Reference.

Travis Johnson: (to self) OK, Trav…you gots to get these vows done. OK…here we go…

(takes out pad and crayon and begins to write) Baby, u so fine, I want to suck u like a smokt nekbone.

Frank Okam: (entering lockerroom) Hey, Trav, what’s up?

Johnson: Shut your ass, rookie. Can’t you see I am trying to think here?

Okam: Think about what? What are you writing?

Johnson: Damn, you a nosy motherfucker. Shit. I’m trying to write my motherfuckin’ wedding vows. The woman says we have to write our own so they be special. She knows I ain’t wrote nuthin’ since high school.

Okam: You mean college?

Johnson: D-d-d0 I stutter, you rookie asshole? No, I mean HIGH SCHOOL.

Okam: Oh, yeah, I totally forgot you went to Florida State. My bad. Well, uh, I could give you some help on this if you want.

Johnson: The fuck do you know about wedding vows?

Okam: Well, not much per se, but I tend to write well. And I’m willing to help. (glances at paper) And based on what you have so far, it’s probably a good idea for you to let someone help. Assuming you actually want her to say “I do,” I mean.

Johnson: The fuck is wrong with what I have so far? That’s some romantical shit right there, rookie. You ain’t got no idea how bitches think. They don’t want some lovey Homeo and Juliet making out on the Eiffel Tower shit. That shit is for the gays. Like Trent Green would probably whisper that kinda shit.

Okam: (looking confused)…on the…Eif–nevermind. (has epiphany) OK, fine, you’re probably right; you’ve got way more life experience than I. How about I just help you with some ideas and help you proofread it?

Johnson: I guess that’s cool. So, after the neckbone bit, I was going to go into detail about how much I love her.

Okam: Sounds like a plan.

Johnson: Something like this:

Baby, I luv u mor than I luv getin relly high and watching old kung-fu movies.

Okam: Hmm.

Johnson: What?

Okam: Oh, nothing. Just considering how great the woman must be. That’s all.

Johnson: Yeah, she pretty fly. No doubt about that. So, then, I thought I’d tell her how much she means to me.

Baby, u meen mor to me than my PS3, my 22s, and that time I got to hang out with Jamie Foxx and ride arond in his limo and shit.

Okam: Pure poetry, man. Go on, though. Tell her why she means so much to you.

Johnson: Yeah, dawg! Good call.

Baby, u are so speshul to me because u done had my kids.

Okam: That’s it?

Johnson: More? How about

And becuze u luv me and becuze u don’t mind how much I swet when we be sexin cuz u understand that Houston is one humid mutherfucker.

Okam: Awesome.

Johnson: Then, finally, I thought I’d get all deep on her ass and tell her how because of her, I understand what love really is.

Okam: (genuinely shocked) Seriously? Preach on it, man.

Johnson: Yeah, so, like

Baby, u no I never understude why Jay-Z didn’t put the song Encore last on the Black Album if that was relly suppost to be his final album. I mean, shit, the last verse says “this heres the victry lap and I’m leevin’;” don’t that sound like the way to end an album? But luv ain’t neer as confuzin as that shit–when I am with u, I understan that love is what I feel in my heart.

Okam: (relieved) Fantastic, man. She is going to love it. Great job.

Johnson: Thanks, rookie fag. Now, I gots to go memorize this stuff.(Johnson leaves)

Okam: (to self) Yes, go memorize your little vows, Travis. I can’t wait for her to hear them, either. BWAHAHA! I will destroy you, Travis. Yes, DESTROY! And then the starting Nose Tackle job shall be mine!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

To Be Continued…