Kickoff - “Clever Title Goes Here” Edition
Nov 12, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Frank Okam is an evil genius, Fuck, Fuck Jared Allen, Fuck the Cowboys, H/T Eric, Kickoff, Rendhel and Sid
Typical Chrontardation. Pancakes discusses the draft in terms of if/when we should take a QB. (My answer: Somewhere after we take Brian Orakpo.) He also comments on how we need a large, space-eating DT. Two questions: Where have I heard that before over the last year and a half? Does he not realize Frank Okam is on the team and that we’d be better off trying to develop him for at least a year or two before we draft another NT?
Boom! Flame on, bitch! This article on no-name coaches succeeding with teams that were (more or less) shit last year saddens me. And by “saddens me,” I mean “makes me want to light Richard Smith on fire.” At least then, we’d accomplish two things: 1. See if Kubiak can succeed when not laden with defensive incompetence. 2. Yummy roasted marshmallows.
Great. Manchild questionable for Sunday. As is my sanity at this point.
Finally. The following people, places and things can go fuck themselves:
- The Tennessee Titans
- The Dallas Cowboys
- Ohio State
- Sage RosenFAILs
- Jared Allen
- Fans of any of the above-mentioned, not that I expect there are many who can read this.
- People who write checks at places that accept debit cards. Greetings from the future, fucknut.
- People who use “literally” when they don’t mean it. Oh, you “LITERALLY” died when she said that? No, you didn’t. Fuck you.
- Richard Smith, but only if he’s fucking himself with a thermos wrapped in razor wire.
- The person in front of me at Starbucks yesterday who was telling the coffee-serving fuck all about her date and then got annoyed at me when I suggested that she “save that crap for when there’s no one else in line, hon.”
- Also, the coffee-serving fuck for having an attitude after I cut that conversation short. Shut your scone-hole and get me a goddamned overpriced cup of shitty coffee. And smile about it.
Random Gratuitous Picture Intended Mainly For My Buddy, Rendhel
Kickoff - “1-4 and looking for more!” Edition
Oct 13, 2008 2008 Season, Fuck the Cowboys, H/T Eric, Kickoff, Uncategorized
Photo courtesy: “Andy Martin www.texansbullpen.com”
Dolphins pull a Texans???: How about, the Texans pull a Colts? We won the game; the Fins did not lose it. Let’s get this straight now.
Childbirth?: I wouldn’t go that far, either, but quite….imaginative…imagery from Keith at ITB. Let me end by saying, “Ewwwwwwww.”
Yep: Typically awesome summary by Chris.
Still a Dick: Joey Porter style.
“Karma Bites Back”: Can’t put it any more clearly than Dave did when he sent the news along (beating Eric by a whopping 80 minutes!!!). Tony Romo broke his pinky, clearly while trying to finger TO during an actual play in OT (what can he say? He just couldn’t wait!). You’d have thought the whole hand would get broken during that move, but I’m clearly no expert. WillFist4Food, what’s your professional, all-knowing take?
Purty Pictures: As Eric linked to previously, some fun pics from the game via TexansBullpen.com, who also gave us permission to use the picture above. Thank you!
Yes: I still have wood. Thanks for asking.
485: Net total yards, setting a Texans franchise record, against a team that had been giving up only 289 per game as one of the best defenses in the league. One more time: We won this game. We earned the win.
Kickoff - “Country For Old Men” Edition
Oct 2, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Fuck the Cowboys, H/T Eric, Kickoff
All Eric this morning, including anything italicized below.
Blow me, Lucifer. Seems ol’ Jerry Jones thinks our Houston Texans are a bunch of redneck bumpkins. Yeah? Well I’ll take being a fan of redneck bumpkins over being a fan of Cowrapists, especially if that keeps me from looking like this guy:
How long until he’s booed again? One game? VY came out of the closet and practiced with the team. Fisher (nursing the tender emotions of the reincarnation of David Carr) had him off-limits to the press! What will the BE-SF do when the year is up and Vodka Collins wants to sign on with a team to start?
Color me frightened. Kuharsky’s report on the Texans safety roulette and Kubes being skeered.
Finally. Quotes from yesterdays practice from the mothership.
A Conversation I Had Twelve Minutes Ago
Sep 26, 2008 Awfulness, Fuck the Cowboys, Self-Referential Stuff, Shameless begging, You'd like to think I was joking
Bum: (as I walk past the bus stop) S’cuse me, sir.
Me: What’s up?
Bum: Sir, I’m from Texas and I am trying to get back home. Could you spare some money? Anything you have, sir, I’d appreciate it.
Me: (reaching for wallet) Texas, huh? You a Cowboys fan?
Bum: Yessir! Love the Cowboys!
Me: (pushing wallet back into pocket) Sorry, man. I don’t have any cash.
Kickoff
Aug 22, 2008 Dancing With the 'Tards, David Anderson's Dance Party, Fuck the Cowboys, History, Kickoff
The White Ernest Givins? Nice Yahoo! write-up on David Anderson. Haircut notwithstanding, as a fellow short white guy, I am pulling for DA to make the team. And, really, if we are being honest, don’t you have to put him above Jacoby on the depth chart right now? (H/T Eric)
BONUS DAVID ANDERSON INFO: Ran a 4.53 at the Combine, but was disappointed with it as he routinely ran in the high 4.4s in the weeks leading up to Indy. Scored a 43 on the Wonderlic as a junior. One of only two WRs at the 2006 Combine to not drop a pass.
Captain, the Dipshit-o-meter is pegged! Ridiculously flawed betting advice regarding tonight’s Texans-Cowboys tilt. In all the Wade Phillip cocksuckery going on, the author ignores the simple fact that Wade’s one Preseason Game 3 loss was LAST YEAR TO THE TEXANS. (Also, if any Cowboys fans are reading this, spare me your excuses. Your team gameplanned and tried to blitz and still got beat like a rented midget.)
Sadly…this is probably true. According to the Dallas Morning News Cowboys blog (as opposed to the inexplicable Houston Chronicle Cowboys blog), Jacques Reeves would have a hard time making the Cowboys’ 2008 roster. I am suddenly having flashes of Romo targeting him like we targeted Jason David last week. Someone hold me.
Finally. A present for bfd:
Deep Thoughts with bfd
Aug 17, 2008 Deep Thoughts with bfd, Fuck the Cowboys
{Busy fam day today, so I won’t be around too much, but I wanted to throw this out there}
Your Houston Texans will finish with as many or more wins than the Dallas Cowfuckers.
This is because:
- 1. Dallas has absolutely no depth outside of CB.
- 2. Reversion to the mean on offense, specifically, Jessica Simpson’s wife.
- 3. Pacman and Terrell are going to make Steve Smith and Ken Lucas look like longtime lovers.
- 4. Jerry Jones is the 2nd worst owner in football history.
Discuss.
How to break bfd
Aug 5, 2008 Awfulness, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Fuck the Cowboys
You say something this incredibly stupid:
Hey Matt did you understand that OT loss to VY’s Titans? Or was that too complicated… you know a touchdown in sudden death OT. even a …. fuckwit…. takes a playmaker that wins games over a defensive lineman.
/looking for games Mario Williams won…. still looking…. couldnt find one but he did have a mediocre season last year. Congratulations Texans fans! you went 8-8!
Holy. Crap.
There’s way too much stupid in this statement to even Fisk the sucker. But I will say this: the basic, fundamental lack of football knowledge displayed here is simply astounding. To answer your question: yes, it appears to have been posted by a cow-fuckers fan. Just kinda figures, don’t it?
The stupid burns! Get it off! GET IT OFF!!!
God Hates The Cowboys
Jul 30, 2008 Blasphemy, Fake Conversations with Real People, Fuck the Cowboys, Ha ha... you like the Lions, Horribly obvious jokes
Heaven, 12:03 PM GMT, God’s House (which looks a lot like something Gilbert Arenas would design).
God: I don’t get it, Job. Athletes are constantly giving me credit when they win. Why is that? Why the hell should I care who wins in college basketball for example? I HATE basketball. And hockey players? Shit, I hate Canada as a whole. So, like I said, I don’t get it. People seem to think I like every sport and every person equally and that, for whatever reason, I bless some teams and some athletes to win like I’m a benevolent Tim Donaghy or some shit.
Job: Yeah, I never understood that. The ones that crack me up are the diehard Christians who claim you helped them do everything. Does Jon Kitna really think you would make someone into a mediocre quarterback if you gave a rat’s ass about him?
God: Exactly! The last QB I helped out was Kurt Warner for a few years, and that had more to do with me thinking his perpetual five o’clock shadow—which I also created—was pretty awesome. And I got just as much joy from ceasing to help him as I did from seeing him succeed. Jon Kitna?!? Please. Jon Kitna can suck my dick. Fuck Jon Kitna.
Job: Where’s all this coming from, anyway, dude?
God: Eh, I dunno. I was thinking about those douchebag Cowboys and them re-incorporating that fucking hole in their new stadium so I could watch. What a bunch of fucking assholes. I’ve tried everything through the years—letting Satan buy them, giving them a gay QB, introducing Michael Irvin to coke, making Romo fumble that game-winning FG, consistently making Jacques Reeves look like Petey Faggins—and they STILL think I like them.
Job: Yeah. Hey, wait. You did a ton of shit to me, too, and said it was because you “loved” me!
God: Totally different, man. Totally different. That was…um…a test. Anyway, the point is, I fucking HATE the Cowboys. How can I get this across to them more effectively? I thought putting Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones on their roster would do the trick, but I guess not.
Job: Hmm. How about a natural disaster?
God: You mean like another flood?
Job: No, nothing that severe just, I dunno, shake them up a bit.
God: Great idea! (causes massive earthquake) Maybe that’ll teach ‘em! Suck on shaking earth, you filthy sonsabitches!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Leonard Davis (on Earth): AGGGHHHHH!!! FUCK!!! SHIT GODDAMN!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? THE SKY IS FALLING!!!! JESUS, SAVE ME!!!! (breaks down in tears)
Job: Nicely done, man. Really, top-notch work. Oh, hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you—did you have a hand in David Tyree’s catch?
God: Of course.
Job: So, does that mean you are a Giants fan?
God: Hell no. I just cannot fucking stand the Patriots. Bunch of cheatin’ homos.
Top 5 Favorite Players
Jul 25, 2008 Fuck the Cowboys, I really dig my readers, This is a rather lame and pointless post, Top 5
Remember WAY back (in June) when I was doing Top 5 Lists related to the team? Well, there are a couple more in the works, but this particular list is all about reader interaction. And it’s a two-parter. Or a “double-ender,” if that makes some of you feel more comfortable?
Part One: Your Top 5 Favorite Active Texans
Part Two: Your Top 5 Favorite Active Non-Texans
NOTE: If the Texans are not your favorite team, feel free to substitute your team for “Texans” in the instructions. Unless your favorite team is the Cowboys, in which case I ask you to go fuck yourself.
My Answers:
Part 1.
1. Mario Williams. Absolutely WORSHIP the dude. Last year’s dominance made me feel vindicated in liking the selection from Day 1 and I actually expect him to be in the running for Defensive Player of the Year this year. He’s a god.
2. DeMeco Ryans. Though it doesn’t rise to the level of man-love I have for Mario, DeMeco is a pretty close #2 on my list. He’s my son’s favorite player, too. If he stays healthy and Okam plays 2/3 as well as I think he will, DeMeco will have 170 total tackles this year.
3. Andre Johnson. Maybe I am high, but as of this moment, I would take Johnson over any WR in football. Size, strength, speed…dude is the total package and is not a headcase like Moss, Johnson, Owens, and (apparently) Boldin.
4. Fred Bennett. The Fred went from “this kid might be all right” to “Jesus, we got a steal” in the span of about 8 games last year. With the force-out rule gone, I look for Fred to be even more of a beast this year. He’s gonna OWN your punk ass, Roydell!
5. Morlon Greenwood. It’s been documented.
Part 2.
1. Justin Tuck. Even before his domination of the Patriots (shoulda been MVP of the game), I was digging the Tuck. He’s a force and, yet, even in NYC he’s underrated.
2. Braylon Edwards. Like I need to explain this one.
3. Larry Foote. See #2.
4. Carson Palmer. He’s cool anyway, but when you come out and say how much you dislike Ohio State, you get bumped WAY up.
5. Charles Woodson. Ok, I’m a homer. Leave me alone.
Why I hate the chron, reason #467
Jul 24, 2008 Dancing With the 'Tards, Fuck the Cowboys
So, I have been obsessive-compulsively refreshing the chron and Texans home page looking for any sign of a Duane Brown signing. Instead, this is what I am treated to:
To the chron: Seriously, if you guys are so obsessed over the assholes to our north, move there. Go. You’ve repeatedly shown a lack of interest covering the Texans. Just go. Get it over with. And don’t come back.
Kickoff
Jul 23, 2008 BFD's Real Doll, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, Fuck the Cowboys, Kickoff, Teams that aren't the Texans
Super-quick Kickoff this morning as Matt doesn’t have intertubez access and I have a super-busy day at my real job. Here goes:
Moves: So, yeah, lots of roster moves yesterday. But you already knew that didn’t you Mr(s). Smarty Pants?
No need to panic: “BornOrange” at texanstalk.com did some research and noticed a trend that the Texans have a tendency to sign their top pick, Mario excluded, right at the start of training camp. We’ve seen a couple more first round picks sign, Kenny Phillips being one of those, so I think we’re getting close. Kudos to BornOrange for some nice research. (h/t Eric)
Training Camp: And remember, it’s just around the corner! In other words, Duane? You have a couple of days to sign that contract. You can’t afford to miss a single snap in camp.
Wha?: Is it me? Or is sending Jeremy Shockey to New Orleans the wrong destination? Not like New York is Utah or anything, but such easy access to alcohol? And the ego battles with The Most Expensive Third Down Back in History? This might be fun!
Tuna Slam: I’ve never really had a fond place in my heart for Bill Parcells, but I do now after he said this about Jessica Simpson’s wife:
All you got to do is kick a field goal, the most elementary of plays, and then you just don’t do it. And so I don’t want to go through that process again. Too much blood.
Tony Romo = Epic fail.
I’m wearing pants! What are you wearing?
Addressing Lee’s concerns
Jul 10, 2008 Bud Adams is evil, Fuck the Cowboys, God hates ugly, Vince Young can't read this post
Lee:
And there are two things I don’t get as a Texans fan. 1. Why should I hate the Cowboys? We don’t play them, the Oilers didn’t play them (yes I know it occasionally happens). They aren’t in our conference and are a Texas team. 2. Why do I have to hate VY? He’s the greatest college football player of all time. And he wanted to be a Texan.
These are great, valid questions. Allow me to give them a shot.
Why should I hate the Cowboys? We don’t play them, the Oilers didn’t play them (yes I know it occasionally happens). They aren’t in our conference and are a Texas team.
It’s more than just the wank-infested Governor’s Cup. Oh yes, it’s much deeper.
First of all, any team that appoints itself “America’s Team” deserves constant ridicule. Secondly, they are a team of felons, capable only of child rape and snorting the sidelines. Next, it’s the arrogance of their fans. Here’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard on a sports talk show: “If the Cowboy’s don’t win the Super Bowl, you can slap a tortilla on my head and call me papa.” If that doesn’t deserve scorn, I really don’t know what does.
Finally, this is where it gets personal. Before the Cowboys moved camp to Austin, Austin was an Oiler town. Deeply. It wasn’t even close. When those pricks moved here, you suddenly saw Cowfucker shit everywhere. It was like rats and the plague covered in blue and silver. Not only that, they were so fair-weathered, none of them could’ve named a player outside of Troy-boy. It was horrible.
As for VY? I have only one thing to say about that:
It’s not VY’s fault. In fact, I feel sorry for the poor guy. I love VY with all my heart…before he was drafted by the asshole pictured above. But anybody, no exceptions, who plays for Satan’s tutor, deserves nothing less than my complete and total hatred and scorn.
Personally, rooting for/against VY? Negotiable. Hating the BE-SFs? Not. Hating the Cowfuckers? Not. There are few things I am emotional about, but you’ve hit on….well, probably both of them right here.
(For the record, if you can find one football-lovin’ Houstonian who wouldn’t kick Satan’s tutor in the nutz [older than 35], I’ll give you a dollar. He’s easily the most despised person I’ve ever seen.)
HTH,
bf-motherfucking-d
PS: Consider this an “Open Hate Thread.”
Kickoff
Jul 9, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Fuck the Cowboys, I really dig my readers, Injury bug, Kickoff, National Media, Ranting, Teams that aren't the Texans
We could take up a collection. Apparently, die-hard Cowboys fans (as well as people who don’t fuck sheep) can buy personalized stones for the walkway around the new stadium. For $150, you get four lines of text on a brick. I assume they will weed out shit like “TO’s mom sucks cocks in Hell” and “Hey, Romo, why don’t you die in a fire, you fucking twat?!” So I suggest someone with a little extra cash should purchase “September 8, 2002. 19-10. Never forget.” (h/t Deadspin)
All your ESPN are belong to Bulluck. The Titans’ LB is going to do his best Woody Paige and be on the Leader all day long, spreading the gospel of the Titans or some shit like that. Whatever. I post this because Keith throws out “Yeah, we are in a smaller market and we don’t get the notoriety as a team that others do.” Um, Keith, there is no such thing as a “small market” in football, considering there is a hard cap, total revenue sharing, and league-wide TV contracts. Fuckin’ idiot. (h/t Eric)
Strategery. The Texans are “working toward less injuries” this year. Ignoring the grammatical misstep (it’s “fewer,” not “less,” goddamnit), this seems to be a solid idea. Honestly, I can see nothing wrong with such a plan. (h/t Eric)
A post wherein I rip on some things I hate
May 21, 2008 Fuck the Cowboys, Had to post something, Inflamed body parts, Overrated, Travis Johnson, Vince Young can't read this post
Dallas Cowboys. You know what I would do if I’d just made a big deal about landing Darren McFadden Lite in the first round of the NFL Draft? I’d turn around and give ANOTHER RB on my team $45 MM ($16 MM guaranteed). Yep, and I’d do this even though, for whatever reason, that RB was not even the starter for most of last season. Then I’d feel really good about this move when that RB’s agent said, [n]ow that he’s going to be the starter and one of the highest-paid players at his position, you’ll see his coming-out party,” suggesting that, had I paid him better earlier, I might not have needed to draft the second RB.
(Yes, I know that the “explanation” as it were is that “you need two RBs in this league,” though I seriously doubt the people who say that are suggesting that you need two highly-paid RBs, both of whom feels he should be the starter. Moreover, I’m not entirely sure that you need two starter-quality RBs at all. Sure, it’s nice, but the Pats have gotten by without two just fine. The Colts are a strange situation because they block so well that scrubs suddenly become solid starters. And it’s not like the Cowboys–who had a two-headed RB the last two years–have fared all that well when it really mattered.)
As a pre-emptive aside, if any Cowboys fans are reading this and feel the need to comment with something like “TRY GETING TO TEH PLAYOFS BEFOR U TALK SHIT,” please remember three things: (1) your team has won exactly as many playoffs games as the Texans during the Texans’ existence; (2) while you have made the playoffs, all you’ve done is this: 
; and (3) your mother is a worthless whore.
Tennessee Titans. I know this is old, but I can’t stop laughing at the “Vince Young partying with other half-naked drunk dudes” photos. My favorite is this one–
–mainly because Elroy the Naked Fat Redneck seems to be cracking that one dude up while Vince plays shy and hard-to-get. “Oh, these tats…yeah…I just…I dunno…I think they kind of make a statement about who I am. Say, that’s a nice beard/shaved head thing you’ve got workin’.”
Travis Johnson. “Inflamed pelvis?” Really??? AWESOME! (For comedic-writing purposes, not for your day-to-day well-being.) I guess that dick isn’t quite so holy, huh? You got gypped by the Pope!
Is my life really this boring?
Apr 21, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Fuck the Cowboys, Pacman Jones' gunrack
OK, I’m a busy guy. I like it like that. I admit: I’ve had to chill on the social scene for a while due to family needs and other issues.
But, even at my best, I couldn’t beat shit like:
‘Pacman’ allegedly paid $15K in extortion cash
I mean, seriously, where are these people? Why don’t I have stuff like this happen to me? I’ve really got to party with this guy. My life just seems so unfulfilled.
bigfatdrunk
PS: Yes, this broke me with regard to Pacman. Let’s be honest: this guy is the perfect Dallas Cowboy.
Bud Adams > Satan, and goodbye, wifebeater!
Apr 6, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Fuck the Cowboys, Jerome Mathis got hurt reading this, Secondary issues are primary
Bud Adams and the rest of the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers are flipping us the bird once again, celebrating the 10 year anniversary of the team in Nashville. So, when we play them twice this year, we need not only put up with Little Dickie Justice’s incessant Vince Young cock-slobbering but also with that new Babyeating-Sisterfuckers logo.
Bud? Satan is eagerly awaiting your arrival. Between throwing tornadoes at Arkansas, the bullshit in the Middle East, and the reunion of New Kids on the Block*, poor Satan is running out of ideas. Asshole.
Finally, some good news. Pit bull afficionado and unaccomplished wifebeater Jerome Mathis signed with the Washington Politically Incorrect Redskins. To that I say, good riddance to bad garbage: you and Daniel Snyder are a whiny match made in Heaven.
Oh, what’s that? I’m a stinkin’ hypocrite because I’m the same guy that wants to trade for Pacman Jones? Well, you are partially right. To me, the difference is that Mr. Glass had his toughness and commitment to the team questioned continuously, while Pacman is considered a hard-worker and good teammate.
Here’s hoping everybody has a tornado free weekend!
* Is it me, or do you think Little Dickie Justice, age 12, sprouted wood the moment he heard about the reunion?
God hates Arkansas; loves Texans fans
Apr 4, 2008 2008 Season, Babies rule, Damn it, Fuck the Cowboys, Self-Referential Stuff, Shit, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Well, I have to admit, I TOTALLY didn’t see that coming. The tornado, I mean. One minute, I am nearly asleep in bed (naked, of course) and, the next, I am hiding in the bathroom with the family as a tornado roars overhead. Once it passed, I went outside and surveyed the damage–lots of trees down, a ruptured gas main that was spewing natural gas, and lots of general carnage. We walked to a friend’s house a couple blocks away and got a ride to the mother-in-law’s house (I honestly would rather have slept in the yard, breathing natural gas).
ANYWAY…we went back this morning to really take stock of what happened. Long story short, God smote the neighbors while sparing me and mine. The only conclusion I can draw is that he happens to read this blog and didn’t want me to die, though, honestly, I think we can all agree that BFD brings way more to the party these days than I do. I took some pictures of the destruction, too, so we can all be entertained. Oh, and to answer your question, the new smoker and the big TV are totally fine.
Here is the neighbor’s kitchen. According to him, the whole house shifted on the foundation, too. He is a Cowboys fan, though, so he probably deserved this.
Here is the adjacent neighbor’s work trailer. “Suck it,” says God.
This rental car did not come standard with a roof tree. That was an aftermarket add-on. I think it brings out the paint job nicely.
Arkansas Bonsai Tree.
This is our one little spot of damage. Had it fallen differently, it would have smashed into my bedroom and mangled shit. Instead, it’s a flesh wound, giving the house some street cred. Yes, Jesus loves meeee…
These used to be upright. And that piece of the sidewalk was flat. I think I liked both better that way. Then again, I have never had much of an eye for decorating.
My car is doing its impression of Trent Green’s brain.
2200 lbs. of tornado-proof steel. God bless Texas(-made products).
You see disaster; I see a clear chunk of southern sky that will let me get DirecTV before football season starts. Life gives you lemons, you throw those suckers at someone and laugh.
Perhaps the funniest part of this whole thing was, as the tornado was passing overhead, the baby slept right through it. In the end, nothing I like got damaged, I have a cool story, and my football watching is improved. I think I kinda like tornadoes.
Open Thread for 3/6
Mar 6, 2008 2008 Season, Bud Adams is evil, Dancing With the 'Tards, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Free Agency, Fuck the Cowboys
I’ve been either super busy (voting and studying), ill, or helping take care of my super sick daughter since my post on Tuesday, so apologies for the Cone of Silence from my end. I’ve got a horribly busy day at my bill-paying job, so I’m going to make this an open thread for all the actions going on around foosball. And here’s a couple of links to get you started.
Greg Cote of the Miami Herald believes in GLOVE POWER!!! You know, if journalists were held to any kind of intellectual standards, he’d already be looking for a new job. Alas, the best we can do is laugh and point. (h/t Eric)
If you haven’t seen this by Steph, you are a liberal fascist communist who hates America, Cuba, and Xenu.
Assorted sources: The Texans will have or have had G Jake Scott, S Chris Crocker, DE Corey Smith, and C John Wade in for visits. Crocker would compete with CC Brown at SS, but more likely he’d be a backup for the Ladies Man and CC. Smith is quick but undersized and good on special teams, but I still think we’ll be looking for a long-term answer opposite Mario in the draft. Wade would be a backup at C and possibly G. For the right price, none of the last three guys would nauseate me, though I don’t think Smith would stick on the 47-man roster.
Scott, however, is intriguing. He’s an athletic G, average build (6′5″, 295 lbs), and only 27 for the season. This is the kind of player I get excited about. The Titans are also in on him, and it’d be nice to give Bud a kick in the nutz.
Open thread for all! Now, to go shake my money-maker.
Taking this Bentley for a test drive
Mar 3, 2008 2008 Season, Fuck the Cowboys, Kevin Bentley, Spin City, Stats
With the recent departure of Charlie Anderson to Miami, today’s signing of Kevin Bentley makes sense from a depth standpoint at the very least. I liked Anderson, but he was never going to be anything more than a backup LB on a good team. If the Dolphins want to pay him, be my guest.
But, like I said, the departure of Charlie left a need for a linebacker. Enter Kevin Bentley.
(This is where you say “who the fuck is Kevin Bentley?”)
Fear not, dear readers…I shall enlighten you. And, by “enlighten you,” I mean “Google his name and then make some sweeping generalizations that end with me embracing his signing.”
The most impressive thing about Bentley is that he is apparently agile as hell. As proof, I point you to this list, which shows Bentley tied for the sixth best shuttle time at the Combine since 1999. He is tied with Terrence Newman and Jason Allen and (perhaps even more impressive) Bentley is the ONLY linebacker on that list. His time was only one one-hundredth of a second slower than Dante Hall.
His other Combine numbers are nearly as impressive. 4.68 in the 40, a 10″ broad jump, 23 reps, and a 39 inch vertical. In short, Bentley would seem to have the tools to play in the NFL.
(Here is where you say “but that was in 2002…not exactly yesterday, asshole!”)
This is true. Since being drafted by the Browns in ‘02, he has posted one 96 tackle season (2003) and an additional season over 60 tackles (2004). He was then shipped to Seattle where he saw action almost exclusively as a special teamer. By all accounts, he was very adept at this job—as one might expect from a fast, agile, 234-lb linebacker.
In the end, I agree with Tim that this signing means both that Smithiak saw something they liked in Bentley (probably his versatility—in addition to playing special teams, he’s played all three LB positions) and that they are becoming more and more sold on the idea of Zac Diles contributing at strongside linebacker this year.
Now, maybe I am drunk (I am), but I really, REALLY like the idea of a starting LB trio of Diles, DeJesus, and Greenwood. Add to that the possible contributions of Bentley as a nickel linebacker and we (might) suddenly have depth and talent across our LB corps.
Or Diles might flop at SLB, Bentley get cut during camp, and we are back to square one. At least we aren’t giving $8MM guaranteed to learn that lesson.
Ladies and gentleman, meet my new Petey Faggins
Mar 1, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Anger, Beer, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Faggination, Fuck, Fuck the Cowboys, You remind me of ____, You'd like to think I was joking
According to Pancakes, the Texans have signed the execrable Jacques Reeves. My favorite line of the article:
At 5-11, 188 pounds, the 25-year-old Reeves is the veteran cornerback the Texans targeted.
W.T.F? Are you kidding me? Well, at least he adds this:
They’re still going to draft a cornerback, maybe two, and they might sign another veteran.
Ya think? And if Reeves really was that key veteran CB, why would we need to go out and sign another half dozen players?
I went to see what Tim had to say, and that guy could make lemonade out of a gallon of goat piss. Alas, I am not similarly gifted. I’m more the guy who sits on his porch and throws rakes at squirrels, yelling “Get off my lawn!” Kids, of course, get ice picks.
Because I get this perverse enjoyment from watching the Cowboys suck, I openly rooted for teams to throw against Reeves as he reminded me of DGDB&D Hall of Famer Petey Faggins. This was, and will be, a poor signing, and I feel like we have to take a CB with #18 in order to simply keep Reeves off the field. I just don’t think we have a choice now. But, luckily, our new Texan who’ll resemble a Molotov cocktail will cost only $4MM/year.
Where’s my rubbing alcohol? I could really use a drink.
