DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Kickoff - “Clever Title Goes Here” Edition

Nov 12, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Frank Okam is an evil genius, Fuck, Fuck Jared Allen, Fuck the Cowboys, H/T Eric, Kickoff, Rendhel and Sid

Typical Chrontardation.  Pancakes discusses the draft in terms of if/when we should take a QB.  (My answer: Somewhere after we take Brian Orakpo.) He also comments on how we need a large, space-eating DT.  Two questions:  Where have I heard that before over the last year and a half?  Does he not realize Frank Okam is on the team and that we’d be better off trying to develop him for at least a year or two before we draft another NT?

Boom!  Flame on, bitch! This article on no-name coaches succeeding with teams that were (more or less) shit last year saddens me.  And by “saddens me,” I mean “makes me want to light Richard Smith on fire.”  At least then, we’d accomplish two things:  1. See if Kubiak can succeed when not laden with defensive incompetence.  2. Yummy roasted marshmallows.

Great.  Manchild questionable for Sunday.  As is my sanity at this point.

Finally.  The following people, places and things can go fuck themselves:

• The Tennessee Titans
• The Dallas Cowboys
• Ohio State
• Sage RosenFAILs
• Jared Allen
• Fans of any of the above-mentioned, not that I expect there are many who can read this.
• People who write checks at places that accept debit cards.  Greetings from the future, fucknut.
• People who use “literally” when they don’t mean it.  Oh, you “LITERALLY” died when she said that?  No, you didn’t.  Fuck you.
• Richard Smith, but only if he’s fucking himself with a thermos wrapped in razor wire.
• The person in front of me at Starbucks yesterday who was telling the coffee-serving fuck all about her date and then got annoyed at me when I suggested that she “save that crap for when there’s no one else in line, hon.”
• Also, the coffee-serving fuck for having an attitude after I cut that conversation short.  Shut your scone-hole and get me a goddamned overpriced cup of shitty coffee.  And smile about it.

Random Gratuitous Picture Intended Mainly For My Buddy, Rendhel

Fuck Asterisks—We Fucking Blow: A Discussion of Shit and Shittiness

Nov 10, 2008 2008 Season, Awfulness, Fuck, Posts that list too many players, Shit

Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, that sucked worse than a snaggletoothed Parkinson’s patient.  There were a couple good things that came out of it, but they were buried underneath about 37 tons of shit, so we are really going to have to dig to get to them.  And I am not in the mood to start with the happy stuff anyway, so push up your sleeves and dig in to the festering pile of yesterday.

First and foremost, I have an announcement to make.  If there is anyone who still honestly believes that Sage RosenFAILs should be starting over Matt Schaub, you are fucking retarded on a Travis-Johnson-like level and you are forever forbidden from commenting here or speaking to me in public.  In fact, if I hear that you’ve even uttered the name of this blog to someone out in the real world, I will sue.  I’m not totally sure what my cause of action will be, but goddamnit I’ll do it anyway.  I have the free time.

Sage should not be starting for this OR ANY OTHER team.  My argument for why he should have been sold to the highest bidder at the end of 2007 was simply that it made no sense to not get something for a guy that, if everything went to plan, would not see the field.  People argued with me and said “but if Schaub gets hurt, you HAVE to have someone who can step in and lead the offense and not miss a beat.”  Yeah?  How’s that fucking argument working for you now?  I said it then and I’ll say it now–you do NOT have to have two good QBs in this league.  Pittsburgh doesn’t, Indy doesn’t, New England apparently fluked into a capable backup, New York sure as fuck doesn’t, etc.  What you HAVE TO HAVE is one good QB and a line that will keep him upright.  And getting extra draft picks for a backup QB is the type of move that will give you more opportunities to build your line.

Now, however, we sit here (to paraphrase Chris) with a QB that we’d be lucky to get two Pop-Tarts for.  (And even if you could get two Pop-Tarts for him, they’d be those shitty, non-iced cinnamon ones that require a gallon of milk while you are eating them because they are so dry.  ‘Cause ain’t nobody giving us two iced strawberry tarts for this asshole.)  Great.  Awesome.  Wonderful.  FUCK.

Moving on…

You can blame the officials a bit (or even more than a bit), but the fact remains that we were penalized roughly 45 times for about 883 yards (give or take), including a holding call that negated the Wonder that is Stevie.  I love Stevie, so this made me very sad.  Again, say what you will about whether the calls were right because some definitely were not, but playing shitty, sloppy football is going to lead to those kinds of blown calls.  What’s more, as some have said here and elsewhere over the last few miserable weeks, we have never done ANYTHING to warrant getting the benefit of the doubt on a questionable call.  Until we establish that (a) we are good enough to win without holding/tripping/hoping the other team gets dysentery and (b) develop a reputation as one of the “good” teams that “deserves” (and, yes, I am using both of those terms ironically) breaks, we are not going to get them.

And it sure as fuck doesn’t help your cause when your LT tackles Terrell Suggs right in the middle of the endzone, drawing a safety.  That’s the kind of shit that is going to make people start looking for holds because it looks (correctly) like you are getting owned.  Also, as an aside, Sage does not deserve that kind of protection, Duane.  Let Suggs go.  Become vengeance, Duane! Become wrath!

Remember way back a couple weeks ago when I wrote this long-ass post on coverage schemes and what we should be doing?  Remember how I said that the one coverage that we should NOT do with the personnel we have is Cover-2?  Anyone care to guess what we were running on Yamon Figurs TD (Hint: The GIANT hole between TWO deep safeties should clue you in) ?  I don’t claim to be anything other than a defense-obsessed fan, but if this kind of shit is obvious to me, shouldn’t it be even MORE clear to the people in charge of the team? It isn’t exactly rocket surgery, ya know?

I can’t figure out what is wrong with Fred Bennett.  The knock on him before he became awesome last year was that he was afraid of contact and not much good at tackling.  Yet, yesterday, he was hitting well and tackling well, but was giving a Faggins-esque cushion to everyone and was covering like crap.  How can the part you were GOOD at regress but the part that you had to work to improve actually keep improving?  THANKS, RICHARD SMITH.

Speaking of Richard Smith, why in the holy fuck do you insist on letting Jacques Reeves “cover” the other team’s best WR?  Does it mean nothing to you that teams–all teams, including teams like Minny that have no appreciable passing game–are going RIGHT AT HIM?  I mean, it does not matter who he “defends” (again, ironic), teams have figured out (rightly) that they should throw the ball his way early and often.  Because he sucks, you see.  Yet you don’t do anything about it.  Because either you ate paintchips as a child or you hate me so personally that you’ll submarine the team’s hopes just to try and make my head explode.  I’m on to you, Smith.

Hey, Morlon Greenwood, while you were busy continuing to make me look like an asshole, did you feel a hot sensation on the back of your neck?  That was Xavier Adibi, who is going to have your job by next August at the latest.  Because you are playing like you have your dick caught in your zipper and don’t want to make any sudden movements, while Adibi was busting his motherfucking ass on Sunday.  Thanks.  Jerk.

Finally, can someone please tell me why Gary Kubiak still hasn’t figured out clock management?  You have timeouts, you are trying to score at the end of the half, you don’t get to keep those TOs for the second half (maybe no one has told him this), yet you let approximately 12 seconds run off the clock, hurry a first-down pass, then run an impotent draw play?  What. The. Fuck?  You’ve been doing this for multiple seasons now, Gar.  Maybe…just maybe…YOU SHOULD LEARN HOW TO FUCKING USE TIMEOUTS AND CHALLENGES, YOU ASSHOLE.

*******

Like I mentioned up there a ways, there were a couple good things that came out of this smegma fest.

First, have I said recently how much I digs me some Earl Cochran?  Since the middle of last season, he’s shown a high motor (despite not being white) and a nose for the ball every time he’s been given a chance to play.  He’s figured out that, as the DE opposite Mario, you are never going to get doubled and you just need to keep bringing it on every play and eventually you’ll make good things happen.  Ladies and gents, if Earl Cochran is not your 2009 starter at the non-Mario DE spot, we better have signed Julius fucking Peppers or something.

DeMeco, welcome back.  We were missing you.

LVJ played well (not great, but well) at the SLB slot.  I don’t think he’s the long-term fix there–he’s more valuable on STs with the ability to fill in at SLB or MLB when needed–but he shouldn’t be a liability as the season winds down.  Still, I’d trade three years off my life for us to draft Brian Orakpo and covert him to SLB.  A 255-lb beast of an SLB right behind Mario when teams put the TE on that side to help block Mario?  That’s the type of shit that forces teams to run the other direction all goddamned day.  (Not that we seem able to tackle RBs right now, but whatever.)

Dunta is still not 100%.  This much is clear.  But is there anything better than seeing him playing out there and not being the least bit tentative due to the injury?  I think not.

Our receiving corps, as bfd pointed out, fucking kicks ass.  Andre Johnson is a god.  Kevin Walter plays the Boo Boo to ‘Dre’s Yogi very adeptly.  Dance Dance Revolution is an idiot, but he’s the less-white Wayne Chrebet.  Owen Daniels should be a Pro Bowler if there is any justice in the world.  Etc.  Too bad we don’t currently have a QB who can use those weapons in a positive manner.  (Unless you count using ‘Dre to clear the middle of the field so you can better complete a pass to Ray Lewis as “positive.”)

If I sound negative even in talking about the good stuff, it’s because I am.  After all, that’s the problem with that kind of shit-laden performance; even the good parts are going to be stained and stinky.

“We ***king blow.”

Nov 9, 2008 2008 Season, Fuck, Fuck Jared Allen, Rosencopter, Rosie Rosenfels

The title is a quote from a text Matt sent me today.  This game was a disaster, a cluster-fuck of Capersian proportions.  It was embarassing.  But, hey, at least we don’t root for the Rams.

The good:

DeMeco looked like the old DeMeco.  He got plenty of action, as well, with the Ravens running the ball up our ass the entire game.

Earl Cochran: Flew all over the field today.

Tim Bulman and LVJ collected sacks.

Frank Okam: Well, he started out well, but I didn’t see him get much playing time in the second half.  Can anybody verify this for me?

The receiving corps.  Seriously, is there a better group of receivers, including tight ends, in football right now?  I don’t remember seeing a single drop all game.

The bad:

It’s hard to get too pissed at the offensive line as we racked up 355 yards against the Ravens and we didn’t give up any sacks until trash time, but we were losing too often at the point of attack.

10 penalties for 76 yards.  We lost a touchdown on the Steve Slaton screen, Joel Dreesen’s hold on JJ’s punt return, and a number of other disasters.  Add on the safety, and there was a legit 16 point swing from holds by our tight ends.  Of course, I never actually saw a hold….

Richard Smith: I counted three blitzes, though with my shitty feed, there may have been more.  Against a rookie quarterback.

But this has to end with Sage Rosenfels.  In my not-so-humble opinion, his incompetence has directly led to our losses against the Colts, Vikings, and now the Ravens.  How does that third round pick look now?

Overall, there’s not a lot to like about the game.  I contend it’s a game we should’ve won, and we would’ve won it with Teh Schaub at the helm.  Rosie’s performance was execrable in every conceivable way.

Worst of all, it’s time to start having a conversation I wasn’t ready to start at 11:59am this morning: what do we need from the draft.  With Schaub out one to three more weeks, we need to start playing for next year.  We need to do things like get Morlon Greenwood the fuck off the field, because if there was a second worst player today, it would’ve been Greenwood.

And who stole the 2007 version of Fred Bennett and replaced him with Petey Faggins‘ clone?

My hope is that this is the nadir, the low point in a season that started off with considerable promise.

Please allow me to end by saying: Fuck Jared Allen.

One Last Point On Spin Rosenfucker’s Flying Leap

Oct 9, 2008 2008 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Fuck, Ranting, Rosie Rosenfels, The Schaub Experiment, Vince Young can't read this post, What the fuck?

Many people (all of whom I am too lazy to link to) have said some variation of the idea that “Sage Rosenfels made that leap because he was trying to win the starting job.”  Well, if that’s the case, then he’s even dumber than he looked while flying through the air.

Here’s what I mean:  In weeks 1 and 3, yes, Matt Schaub looked like dog ass (at best).  Against Tennessee especially, he was reminding people of David Carr all day long and it wasn’t because of his hair.  There were any number of people, many of whom were not in the Start Sage camp prior to Tennessee, that were suddenly grumbling that maybe Schaub was not the guy.  It was not good times.

But against Jacksonville, however, the fucking week before the Colts’ game, Schaub played one of his very best games ever in a Texans uniform.  That’s not an exaggeration.  Even without Andre Johnson having a monster game, Schaub worked the whole field, maybe fantastic decisions, and managed the whole thing beautifully.  He found Owen Daniels and Kevin Walter every single time one of them had a favorable matchup.  He hit Stevie Wonder in stride on that beautiful TD pass.  All in all, he looked like a better version of the pre-injury Schaub we saw in 2007.

That being so, why in the fucking hell would Sage think that one win, even a big win over the Colts, would make Gary forget that (a) Schaub had played just as well the week prior, (b) Schaub was already the starter and was on the sideline because he had the shits and not because he was benched, and (c) that we paid handsomely for Schaub and giving up on him this quickly would be asinine?

Basically, I don’t care if Sage would have jumped over all three defenders like Sam McGuffie and ran for a game-clinching TD.  There was NO WAY he was going to take the starting job based on that one performance.  Maybe he gets a little closer and makes the leash on Schaub just a tiny bit shorter down the road, but Schaub was starting against Miami regardless of how the Colts game turned out.  And if Sage didn’t realize that and he really thought making that retarded jump was going to change things, then he makes Vince Young look like a nuclear physicist.

And, with that, I’m done talking about that goddamned game.

/bangs head repeatedly against desk

Sep 22, 2008 2008 Season, DO NOT WANT, Fuck

There is a pictorial kickoff coming as soon as my slow-ass work computer can get the pictures uploaded to Photobucket.  In the meantime, I suppose we might as well discuss the botched abortion game. As is my wont, I am going to do it bullet-point style because I have too much shit to craft any sort of cohesive narrative.  Because I am full of piss and vinegar today, let’s start with the negatives.  Grab a snack, because this list could get long.

• Matt Schaub.  I honestly don’t know where the fuck to start, Matt.  You didn’t look off a single first-option all day.  You looked scared—not scared of contact, which would have been irritating but understandable, mind you, but scared of fucking up.  You tried to guide every pass.  You kept throwing swing passes to Vonta Leach, yet you completely ignored Leach (just like in the Pittsburgh game) the one time he was open past the line of scrimmage.  You have apparently decided that you do not like Andre Johnson, which is very odd.  You actually had people—Texans fans!—mentioning your name in the same breath as David Carr.  (And it was NOT in the context of, “wow…he’s much better than David Carr.”)  I mean…I…FUCK.  Moving on.
• Richard Smith.  I’m calling Richard out first among the coaches for two reasons.  One, I hate him.  Two, anyone who would drop Mario Williams into coverage while simultaneously rushing only three or four is a fucking retard.  We don’t have a pass rush and you are going to take far and away our best pass rusher and have him try to cover a RB or TE in the flat?  Really?  (This is rhetorical, obviously, as you are the same shitstain who kept using Mario in coverage and at DT in 2006, thus proving that you have absolutely no idea what you have in Mario.)  Also…here’s an idea…put Okam between Amobi and Mario and tell all three of them to go forward.  I know, it’s crazy, but it just might work.
• Will Demps.  Honestly, Will, if you were giving the opponents any more of a cushion, you would be standing out of bounds.  If you can’t play closer to the line than that, you should probably not be starting.  And by “probably,” I mean “definitely.”
• Gary Kubiak. I’m putting him fourth for one reason, and it’s something I’ll have to explain in a later post.  Namely, with the exception of one of them, the decision to go for those fourth downs was statistically the right call.  At the same time, Gar (can I call you Gar?), those statistics don’t account for shit like “our offense has been bad all day” and “you probably shouldn’t go for it if you are going to run a play more suited for first and ten” and “their defense is way better than their offense, so we might be better off playing field position.”  So, yeah, while others are lambasting you for the continued fourth downs, I’ll support you there.  But I will not support HOW you went for the fourths.  Additionally, you do realize that you get TWO challenges in a game, right?  I ask because McCareins’ long catch should have been challenged, as should the ensuing running play where White clearly missed the goal line by at least a foot.  I know you were worried about not being able to challenge anything in the second half, but that’s not really an excuse.
• Jacques Reeves.  Nice INT.  Really.  But it doesn’t really make up for the two dropped INTs later, does it?  I never thought I’d say this—and, honestly, I’m getting a little ill thinking about it—but Petey Faggins might be better than you right now.  /throws up
• Fred Bennett.  Ah, Fred…I know you are young and I still have no doubt that you will become a superstar, but you need to shape up, holmes.  It’s almost like you get lulled to sleep watching teams target Reeves and then you seem shocked—SHOCKED!—when you suddenly have to make a play.  Not good.
• Kyle Shannahan.  You should be higher on this list but I momentarily overlooked you and I’m too lazy to re-order.  Here’s the deal, though:  yesterday’s gameplan was the most vanilla offensive scheme I have ever seen.  At any level.  Ever.  Now, perhaps some of that is because Matt Schaub went deer-in-the-headlights on you and refused to look at the second or third option at any point Sunday, so you abandoned your original, Martzian gameplan and went simple.  Possible, but I doubt it, especially after a similar “performance” against Pittsburgh.  Here’s how bad that offensive scheming was—I have never coached football in my life, but I could have come up with something better than that.  I have zero doubt.  A few pointers you might want to consider:  When using only two WRs, one of them should be Andre Johnson.  Unless you and Kevin Walter have a Brokeback thing happenin’, I can’t figure out why Walter/Daniels would be the two receivers on any given play.  When using only one WR, Andre Johnson should be that one.  When Schaub is only looking for his first option on a given play, the first option should always be Andre Johnson and should never, ever, EVER be Vonta Leach.  If you need more pointers, I can be reached at the email address in the sidebar.
• Eric Winston.  First of all, you could probably also be on the good list, since you showed some great athletic ability blocking downfield.  But you make this list as well for letting Kearse come from without so much as a sneeze in his general direction.  You did the same thing with Antwan Odom last year.  These are the types of things that get people killed, E.
• The officials.  They were bad both directions, really, so I can’t blame them for the loss, but that was some piss poor officiating all day long.
• Andre Johnson and Owen Daniels.  Dropped TDs will never be acceptable, guys.  Never.

Now for the good.  This list will be shorter.

• Duane Brown.  Athletic blocking and KVB was not a factor for much of the afternoon (relatively speaking).  I was scared to death about this matchup and Brown greatly exceeded my expectations.
• Steve Slaton.  Ladies and gentlemen, my I introduce your Texans RB of the future?
• Dominique Barber.  Nice special teams work.  Now please work on defenestrating Will Demps.
• Jacoby Jones.  Thanks for not fumbling, fucknut.  (Though it can’t be a good sign when all the Texans fans are in agreement that we’d prefer you to let the ball bounce away or call fair catch rather than return it.)

That’s it.  Guh.

OK…let’s try to spin this a little.  It’s only 2 games.  Other than Tennessee, no one in the division has more than one win, meaning we are 1 win out of second place.  Um…the offense has to improve because there is too much talent in the WRs not to.  Richard Smith might wind up fired if the defense plays like that much more.  At least no one got hurt.  Etc.

Fuck that.

We played like stinky dog ass.  Somehow, the game was simultaneously closer than the score indicated, yet we were never, ever in danger of taking a real lead (not counting the first kick) or taking control of anything.  Our two biggest problems right now are the two areas we were supposed to have fixed last year—QB and coaching.  This is not good.  Right now, we are a 4-12 team.  I think we’ll improve and we might even go on a run during those easily winnable (in theory) home games, but it is going to take some serious changes to do so.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go bleach my eyeballs.

BREAKING NEWS: Monday’s Game Postponed

Sep 13, 2008 2008 Season, Fuck, Ike

According to NFLN, Monday’s game is postponed due to some damage to Reliant.

More updates as I hear them.

Kickoff “C’mon, now…you have a lot to live for…step back from the ledge” Edition

Sep 8, 2008 2008 Season, BFD's Real Doll, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Boobies, Fuck, Kickoff

Ugh.

Double ugh, even.

I still don’t think I can be 100% rational discussing this game, so I am just going to offer up the morning links and stew on this one a little more.

Wizard of Odds. I love me some LaMarr Woodley, yesterday notwithstanding.  He’s on the short list of my favorite all-time Michigan players.  Still, for me, there was some sick irony in his dominance of the Texans.  Yet I link to this article simply because this quote regarding his INT (first ever for him, including his college years) reminds me of a certain Travis Johnson post:

The ball hit my hand I said, `Right hand, you hold onto that,’ ” Woodley said after his interception

Say It Ain’t So!  Ced Ben has a tryout with the team this week.  I highly suggest anyone living in or around Houston stay off the lakes and out of the streets.  Also, hide the Sunchips.

Finally. Four Things To Make You Feel (slightly) Better.  Vince Young’s stat line from yesterday.  Colts/Bears final score.  David Garrard’s stat line from yesterday (this dude looks prescient!). And her:

Urge to kill…rising.

Aug 19, 2008 Anger, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fuck, His name is Earl, Logo by Chris, Righteous Indignation, Teams that aren't the Texans

In a move that is likely to make stacy’s head explode, BE-SF fans voted Earl Campbell their greatest player ever.

Now, say what you will about how they kept the Oilers name/records/etc. Once you CHANGE NAMES in a NEW STATE, all bets are off as far as holding on to the past. You can keep the Oilers as part of your franchise timeline, but you CANNOT lump Earl in as the greatest Titan ever…BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER A TITAN. To claim otherwise makes you an absolute fuckrag. No one likes a fuckrag, man.

To those who will say “but it was for the greatest Oiler/Titan ever,” I call bullshit.  The team (or, more accurately, it’s sodomite owner) wanted out of Houston.  Fine.  And, honestly, had they remained the Oilers this whole time, even the choosing of Earl Campbell would be justified, if slightly dirty.  But they didn’t.  They shitcanned the city of Houston, then punted the team name a short time later—basically, they started fresh without having to waste years as an expansion team. And, in doing so, they offended 95% of the Oilers fanbase.

Was Earl Campbell the greatest Oiler ever?  Of course.  Was he the greatest player ever owned by Bud Adams?  Of course.  Did he have a single goddamned thing to do with the state of Tennessee or the Titans?  Nope.  And I bet he’s happy about that.

Besides, to hear some of you BE-SF fans tell it, shouldn’t Vince Young have won this vote hands down?

Matt and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day¹

Jul 31, 2008 Anger, Anna-Megan is retarded, Dancing With the 'Tards, Fuck, Ranting

A number of reasons, both Texans- and non-Texans-related, have left me in an incredibly foul mood this afternoon. In the spirit of my disposition, here’s a list of people who need to shut the fuck up.

Jason McIntyre / The Big Lead. Every time you write anything about the NFL, I have this overwhelming urge to throw up all over my computer. Seriously. Your football analysis makes Merrill Hoge sound like Vince Lombardi. The Texans rank 20th in your power rankings, behind the Bucs and the Cardinals and the Bills? Really? You say you base it on “their roster” and “their history,” but I call bullshit. Your football knowledge can be summed up as “this is what ESPN told me to think six months ago.” If you’ll buy a bullet, I’ll loan you a gun so you can just end it and save us all the pain.

Paul Schwartz / NY Post. BFD is going to handle this one later, but, for now, suffice it to say that the only “mercy” that came from Carr’s release was granted TO us, not BY us.  Oh, and fuck you, you ignorant cocksucker.

Anna-Megan Raley.  This week’s topic: Why do you love Mario Williams?  Next week: Why I love to blow football players.

The Kid at Sonic with his employee visor upside-down and backward.  Every day, your father wishes he’d pulled out.  Also, your father probably isn’t who you think it is.

Houston Chronicle.  Brandon Harrison.  Brandon Mitchell.  What, do all Brandons look alike to you, you name-ist dickholes?  Here’s an idea—since no one expects you to have any sort of hot, breaking news, take your fucking time and at least try to get the names right and, maybe, give us a nugget that the AP won’t.  Fuck.

¹ Most little kid books suck. The inspiration for this post title does not.

Kickoff

Jun 27, 2008 2002 Draft, Fuck, Horribly obvious jokes, Huh?, Inanity, Kickoff, Sandy Vag, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

I suppose it’s better than learning from David Carr. In general, you probably shouldn’t try to teach things you don’t understand yourself.  In that vein, I put Vince Young’s teaching of “proper QB technique” right up there with me teaching social grace and tact and BFD teaching about sex after 35. (H/T Eric)

Wow.  Speaking of Zoolander, I lack the words to adequately describe the shirt/hat combo he’s wearing in this picture.  I think I’ll go with “unfortunate, ridiculous, and gay as shit,” but I know that doesn’t quite get there.

Oh, fuck this. Finally, let’s just stick keep kicking Zoolander while he’s down because it’s Friday and this shit is fun.  Is that a velour hat?  And, um, that t-shirt is only funny if you get the pun, which would also make it sort of…well…inappropriate in this given situation.  Good lord, every single day I am more glad that Sandy is gone.

Mormons

Apr 22, 2008 Anger, Fuck, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Mormons, Non-Texan stuff

I am going to take a short break from posting about football to throw this out there:

FUCK THE UTAH JAZZ, FUCK ANDRE KIRILENKO RIGHT IN HIS FLOPPING, EURO-DOUCHEBAG MOUTH, AND FUCK THE ENTIRE STATE OF UTAH. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.

Ladies and gentleman, meet my new Petey Faggins

Mar 1, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Anger, Beer, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Faggination, Fuck, Fuck the Cowboys, You remind me of ____, You'd like to think I was joking

According to Pancakes, the Texans have signed the execrable Jacques Reeves. My favorite line of the article:

At 5-11, 188 pounds, the 25-year-old Reeves is the veteran cornerback the Texans targeted.

W.T.F? Are you kidding me? Well, at least he adds this:

They’re still going to draft a cornerback, maybe two, and they might sign another veteran.

Ya think? And if Reeves really was that key veteran CB, why would we need to go out and sign another half dozen players?

I went to see what Tim had to say, and that guy could make lemonade out of a gallon of goat piss. Alas, I am not similarly gifted. I’m more the guy who sits on his porch and throws rakes at squirrels, yelling “Get off my lawn!” Kids, of course, get ice picks.

Because I get this perverse enjoyment from watching the Cowboys suck, I openly rooted for teams to throw against Reeves as he reminded me of DGDB&D Hall of Famer Petey Faggins. This was, and will be, a poor signing, and I feel like we have to take a CB with #18 in order to simply keep Reeves off the field. I just don’t think we have a choice now. But, luckily, our new Texan who’ll resemble a Molotov cocktail will cost only $4MM/year.

Where’s my rubbing alcohol? I could really use a drink.

Safety Dance

Jan 26, 2008 2007 Season, 2008 Season, Alex Gibbs, Boulware, Dunta Robinson, Fuck, Nnamdi Asomugha

Peeling off from the last post, let’s talk about safeties.

As Andy so righteously mentioned, there are distinct differences between strong and free safeties. In summary, the strong safety is generally more relied upon in run support, while the free safety is more relied upon in the passing game. Think of it this way. The strong safety is on the strong side of the formation, thus, his “coverage” responsibility is the TE. Again, this is very much a general statement as the defense is wont to mix things up in order to confuse the offense (unless your defensive coordinator is Richard Smith, natch).

So, with a number of SS options already on the roster, why TF would I believe that we’ll target a SS in the draft?

I can’t be the only person who did a double-take when America’s Penis Idol (aka, Will Demps) got the Pro-Bowl nod. His manos de piedras were awesome, if that’s a good thing when the QB basically hands you the ball (hint: it’s not). And, even though he is a strong safety, I expect you to catch the damn ball every now and then. Demps still brings the pain, but unless his contract needs are very reasonable - and I don’t expect them to be so - I still don’t think we sign him. I might be wrong.

So, that leaves us with a “plethora” of other SSs: Boulware? Brown? Earl? Harrison??? Hurl!

Personally, I don’t think we have position of greater need than the entire fucking defensive backfield. Dunta is hurt, and it’s not good. As the proud owner of a half dozen knee surgeries, I can speak from experience that they suck. Dunta didn’t have a meniscus repair: he ripped his hammy off the bone and had a torn ACL to boot. Fred Bennett (this dude seriously needs a nickname) didn’t embarrass himself while starting, for sure. SS clusterfuck? FS???

Speculating, but I think a post-injury Dunta can be reincarnated as a top-flight FS. This means, of course, that we simply need to sign a shutdown corner. I don’t see any real alternative here. We can go into the draft and hope that a Mike Jenkins or Aqib Talib falls to us, but I don’t want to head into 2008 depending on a second year and rookie at CB. This is compounded by the fact that I hope we trade down.

Dunta’s injury puts us at a real disadvantage heading into April. 8-8 was great, but we are a team with a huge number of needs. Our DB was completely ass-tastic in 2007, and we’ll be without Dunta for at least the first month, if not more. Demps is likely gone. When you consider that Gibbs doesn’t necessarily take OL early in the draft, I’m guessing that we take a SS sooner than later.

Now, go into the comments and rip me a new asshole for this post. Beetches.

Run and you will live, at least a while.

Oct 22, 2007 2007 Season, Fuck, Ranting, Righteous Indignation, Self-Referential Stuff

There are few rules when it comes to rooting for a team. Generally, you can do whatever you want and no one will say much of anything. I’m not saying that you won’t get a look or three because of what you are wearing, what you have painted on the side of your $60,000 RV, or what you convinced your wife to tattoo on her cleavage, but in the end, all anyone asks is that you are loyal to your team.

One of the few rules that does exist as part of being loyal, however, is that you never, ever, EVER leave a game before it is literally impossible for your team to win/lose the game. And I do mean “literally;” “unlikely” is not the same thing. So, it is in that vein that I would like to offer a sincere and heartfelt “fuck you” to all of the Texans fans who left the game early yesterday. That was just as disappointing as anything else that happened.

When I saw how many fewer seats were occupied following halftime, I was mildly annoyed. I chalked that up to people who were really there only to see Vince Young. After all, it’s not like the place ever filled up yesterday–plenty of seats never had an ass in them because it was known that Vince was not starting. Still, I assumed that few Texans fans were among the exodus.

When my wife called during the early third quarter to tell me that the television announcers were joking about the parking lot filling up with people returning to their tailgates, I was even more peeved. Way to stick it out and cheer for your team, ya know? Hell, I don’t even understand the mindset that would say, “hey, Earl, we’re losing; let’s go outside and listen to the game on radio instead of sitting here in this seat we paid for and actually watching the game.”

And so it went that each hiccup by the Texans sent more and more people fleeing like rats from a sinking ship. At no point did any of them stop to think that there was a chance we might come back. Was it likely? Fuck no. Was it technically possible? Fuck yes. Obviously. Yet none of the departed seemed to even consider the possibility, however remote.

As disheartening as it was to see the empty seats during the comeback, the real slap in the face didn’t come until after Andre Davis‘ miraculous TD catch. When Tennessee got the ball back and had to put together a drive, the few of us remaining were screaming our lungs out. We wanted to make it impossible for Collins to hear or audible and make the offensive line jump because they couldn’t hear the snap count. We screamed. We beat the empty seats with bottles. We clapped until our hands hurt. And, obviously, we were unsuccessful. One-fifth of a stadium full of people can’t do a whole lot, especially when a not-small percentage of that fifth is composed of Titans/VY fans.

Would it have made a difference if the place was packed? Who knows? That’s not really the point. The point is that I shouldn’t have to sit here and wonder “what if;” I should already know whether a packed house (or a reasonable approximation of a packed house) could have created a din that would throw the Titans off in that last, crucial minute.

Right about now, someone reading this is thinking that I am a dumbshit for suggesting that you stay even when the odds are 1-in-a-whole-fucking-lot that the outcome could change. Yet, that is exactly what this dumbshit is saying. If it is possible for your team to win/lose, you keep yourself in the stadium and see what happens. If you want to leave at the two-minute warning when your team is losing by four possessions, go ahead. If you want to start heading toward the exit as soon as one team begins the kneel-downs or even as soon as they get the first down that will let them start kneeling, be my guest. But until then, don’t even consider leaving. Because only an asshole would do that. Nobody likes an asshole.

Look, maybe I am just venting because I saw the whole thing happen live. Losing like that, there is a feeling of disgust that no TV or radio broadcast can convey. The old lady who hugged me when Andre scored looked like she was going to cry when the field goal sailed through. We’d witnessed thirteen minutes of amazing comeback, only to have our hearts torn out at the end, so it’s possible that I am simply bitter that the people who left early escaped the first-hand heartbreak. Then again, at least I can say that I saw that unbelievable rally live and–even better–I can tell people that I stuck it out even as the score climbed to 32-7. Maybe I left felling like I got kicked in the nuts, but I at least I had the balls to stick it out.

I’ll get down off the soapbox now.

Shit.

Oct 22, 2007 Damn it, Fuck, I hate everything, Shit

Recap coming. Plus a rant about people who suck. Eventually.

Fuck.