DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Lee:

And there are two things I don’t get as a Texans fan. 1. Why should I hate the Cowboys? We don’t play them, the Oilers didn’t play them (yes I know it occasionally happens). They aren’t in our conference and are a Texas team. 2. Why do I have to hate VY? He’s the greatest college football player of all time. And he wanted to be a Texan.

These are great, valid questions.  Allow me to give them a shot.

Why should I hate the Cowboys? We don’t play them, the Oilers didn’t play them (yes I know it occasionally happens). They aren’t in our conference and are a Texas team.

It’s more than just the wank-infested Governor’s Cup.  Oh yes, it’s much deeper.

First of all, any team that appoints itself “America’s Team” deserves constant ridicule.  Secondly, they are a team of felons, capable only of child rape and snorting the sidelines.  Next, it’s the arrogance of their fans.  Here’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard on a sports talk show: “If the Cowboy’s don’t win the Super Bowl, you can slap a tortilla on my head and call me papa.”  If that doesn’t deserve scorn, I really don’t know what does.

Finally, this is where it gets personal.  Before the Cowboys moved camp to Austin, Austin was an Oiler town.  Deeply.  It wasn’t even close.  When those pricks moved here, you suddenly saw Cowfucker shit everywhere.  It was like rats and the plague covered in blue and silver.  Not only that, they were so fair-weathered, none of them could’ve named a player outside of Troy-boy.  It was horrible.

As for VY?  I have only one thing to say about that:

It’s not VY’s fault.  In fact, I feel sorry for the poor guy.  I love VY with all my heart…before he was drafted by the asshole pictured above.  But anybody, no exceptions, who plays for Satan’s tutor, deserves nothing less than my complete and total hatred and scorn.

Personally, rooting for/against VY?  Negotiable.  Hating the BE-SFs?  Not.  Hating the Cowfuckers?  Not.  There are few things I am emotional about, but you’ve hit on….well, probably both of them right here.

(For the record, if you can find one football-lovin’ Houstonian who wouldn’t kick Satan’s tutor in the nutz [older than 35], I’ll give you a dollar.  He’s easily the most despised person I’ve ever seen.)

HTH,

bf-motherfucking-d

PS: Consider this an “Open Hate Thread.”

Hello, peoples.  Travis Johnson here.  As I’m sure you noticed if you drove anywhere over this past weekend, gas be expensive as a motherfucker right now.  And everyone be complaining about it, saying how they can’t afford it and shit.  ‘Cept, when most people bitch about gas prices, they don’t consider the big picture of how those prices can affect other parts of their lives.  Travis, on the other hand, is a master of the big picture.  I actually took a class in “big picture thinking” at Florida State.

Or…wait…no…that was “motion pictures,” but same shit, ya know?  After all, good ass movies like Mission: Impossible have all sorts of car chases and exploding trains and shit like that, and that kind of shit takes fuel, meaning that rising gas prices are going to make the movies more expensive.  Unless you want to do nothing but ninja movies, since ninjas are, um, solar powered.  And, ya know, Travis loves him a good ninja flick, but eventually people are going to get tired of ninja movies, and then you have to bring back shit blowing up, and then you run into those fuel costs again.  It’s a vicious circle.

But what if you don’t like movies?  Travis hears that a lot when I be explainin’ this shit to people, like that is some kind of damned excuse.  I mean, you might not like donuts, but you can be sure that the people who do like donuts are going to be lined up waiting to get into Krispy Kreme when that “Hot Fresh Now” sign is flashin’, and you are going to be stuck in that traffic, burnin’ gas while your car idles.  It’s the same way with the movies, too, cuz it don’t always matter what you like when you start talking about global economies, dig?

No?  Damn it, y’all be dense.  Let me spell this shit out real simple like, since y’all can’t seem to follow Travis’ next-level thinkin’.

Where does gas come from?  That’s right — it’s the remains of dead dinosaurs that Jesus turned into liquid so he could power his car.  Jesus was recyclin’ and goin’ green before it was the hip thing to do, but Jesus was always way ahead of the curve when it came to social trends.  He rocked the long hair, had the original Tevas, home-brewed his own wine, knew that chicks would dig scars…that kinda shit, man.  Anyway,  Jesus thought he made enough that there would be oil forever, but he didn’t consider that some of y’all greedy motherfuckers would drive Hummers and shit.  So, now we be runnin’ out of oil, which decreases the supply.

At the same time, the people who control the oil, the Arabs, hate the people who control the media, the Jews, because the Jews have a liberal bias and they be tellin’ folks to buy, like, hybrids and shit and they keep showing shows like Two And A Half Men, which really has nothing to do with oil, but is still hated by the Arabs.  And, really, you can’t blame them because that Charlie Sheen was bangin’ the one ho from Wild Things and now he’s not, so he is like, gay, and stuff, and they hate gays.  So there is even LESS oil available.

So…yeah, because of all that shit, the price of gas is going up and that is going to affect NFL teams just like it affects y’all.  For one thing, it is going to become more expensive to scout new players, because the scouts have to drive or fly because they all think they too special to take a train because it is a scientific fact that trains make you dizzy and maybe make you throw up.  Travis knows because he took a train once…it was electric and it went real fast, but it just kept going in circles and up and down these big ol’ hills and it even went upside down at one point, and then I guess the driver forgot some of his shit, because we wound up back in the same place we started and they made us all get off and told us we’d have to stand in line again if we wanted to ride and Travis wasn’t about to stand in no line with a bunch of screamin’ ass kids when he had just been on the train a few minutes before.  And, since then, I ain’t never took no trains nomore and I don’t really blame the scouts for refusing to take them.  So, instead, they drive or fly and they use more of that $4 per gallon gas.

Oh, and get this, footballs might actually make the price of gas go up more!  I mean, we call them pigskins, but they ain’t actually made from pigs.  In fact, according to my cousin Del’ron, who watches Discovery channel when he’s high, they made from leather.  And leather comes from cows and, since we have to kill the cows to get the leather, the cows be dead and dead cows can’t make more of that fart gas alternative fuel, so people have to use regular gas.  So, the more footballs that are made, the more gas that is going to be used.  That ain’t good, peoples.  That ain’t good at all.

Fortunately, Travis has a plan that can help the Texans minimize the impact of these gas prices.  I call it the “Pay Travis” plan.  Because, let’s be honest here, God don’t like ugly and Travis’ current deal be ugly as that Betty bitch.  Anyway, in the “Pay Travis” plan, the Texans would pay Travis.  That’s how I came up with the name.

It’s a simple plan, really.  Since it is going to be more ’spensive to scout for new players, the Texans should lock up the players they have right now, starting with Travis Johnson.  I mean, sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiit dude, if a barrel of oil is $150 or $200 or whatever the fuck, you tellin’ me that Travis ain’t worth at least, say, eleventy million dollars a year?  C’mon, man…you know I’m right.  So, that’s the plan, you give Travis eleventy million dollars per year for, say, threeve years, and that allows you to ride out this spike in the gas prices without expending extra dollars for scouting.  Even better, since Travis plays defense, I don’t need no new footballs to practice with, so you wouldn’t have to buy so many, so other people would benefit.  Travis always doing shit for other people.  Travis loves da kids, just like Trick Daddy does.

Now, I know you might be saying that Travis’ play hasn’t been good enough to deserve a raise, even if helps cut down on the gas prices.  To that, Travis says “fuck you, bitch.”  Travis has played very well — y’all just don’t understand what defensive tackles do, man.  You want Travis on that line; you NEED Travis on that line.  That Frank Okam?  Man, that dude ain’t nuthin’ but a no-account rookie shitbag.  And, I heard that he likes to cut down trees and burn them with gasoline.  That don’t sound like the kind of socially responsible player Mr. Bob be likin’ on this team.  Oh, and Frank also leaves his Hummer running in the parking lot during practice, just so it’ll be nice and cool for him when he gets in.  How messed up is that?!

So, yeah, if the Texans are really wanting to help out with rising gas prices, they should do the socially responsible thing and pay Travis.  And cut Frank Okam.  Oh, and also, recycle.

10. He inspired the following as recently as last October:

When you watch Cedric Benson run the football you’re struck by two contrasting traits. He doesn’t go out of his way to make people miss, preferring to try and run people over, and he doesn’t seem to run the ball very hard. It’s hard enough to pull off the first thing in the NFL under any circumstances but impossible when you don’t run into the line like a runaway train. Too often, Benson appears to go down at first contact and appears to be missing the assertiveness you need to be a successful NFL running back.

9. He was so disliked by his teammates in Chicago that “about ten” Bears defensive players tried to hurt him in practice.  I would prefer Mario to continue trying to murder opposing QBs and not have him disembowel a teammate.

8. He is coming off a season-ending broken leg that required a plate in his lower leg, near his ankle.  Maybe it is completely healed with no lingering after-effects, but do you really want to take that chance?  Do you REALLY want to risk having him make the roster, only to then find out, oops, I guess it wasn’t totally perfect?  Because, maybe I am old fashioned, but I think we’ve got enough injury questions in our backfield as it is.

7. He is a summa cum laude (loud?) graduate of the Fred Smoot School of Nautical Recreation.

6. According to beef,

this guy me and some friends met at a party, who went to UT, and played with C-bong at Midland Lee [...] said that everyone on Lee’s team hated his guts because he was such a prick, and all he cared about were his numbers [...] and he was a whiny finger-pointer.  Anyway, the dude said that he had several other friends on UT’s team, and when he’d tell them he was from Lee, they’d bring up how much everyone on UT’s team hated his ass too for the same shit.  You could also tell it from watching their games.  He’d always be standing by himself on the sidelines and no one would ever come up to him for congratulatory or “keep your head up” comments.

Is that nothing but hearsay?  You bet.  But it’s fully admissible in the Court of Matt Fucking Hates You.

5. His boat parties don’t end well.  “Yeah, yeah…suuuuure you weren’t drinking.”

4. About a month after deciding boating wasn’t for him, he took the same strategy to the open road, only with fewer hoes and no bag of Sun Chips.  This fantastic story ends with a court-ordered breathalyzer ignition lock.  So I’m guessing the judge didn’t buy the excuses.

3. The idea that he can fall forward for 4 yards a pop is tenuous at best, considering he fell forward for 3.4 YPC last year before tearing his mangina breaking his leg.  He did manage 4.1 YPC in 2006.  You know who else managed 4.1 in 2006?  Ron “Meringue” Dayne.  And Dayne had 4.0 YPC in 2007.  And he did it all without endangering the public, eating Sun Chips with hoes, or getting arrested multiple times.

2. According to the Chicago Sun-Times,

The worst part of it is that Benson isn’t a viable reserve because he doesn’t pass block, play special teams, or help on third downs. He could be low on the depth chart (emphasis added).

I’m guessing that could be a problem as we break in a rookie LT and try to keep Matt Schaub upright all year.  Just sayin’.

1. He’s not a good fit for a true zone blocking system.  Thomas Jones was the cut-back style runner on the Bears and he was shipped to New York because the Bears thought Benson’s “pounding” (and I use that term as loosely as it can be employed) style was a better fit for them.  He doesn’t have the speed to get the outside zone consistently (and he runs upright on outside runs), yet he lacks the vision to properly cut back and go. And I’m not the only one who says this stuff:

If there’s one thing we know post-trade, it’s that the Bears offensive line was suspect/borderline shitty last season too.  Their inability to open solid running lanes was masked by the cut-back running style of Thomas Jones.  When Jones took the hand-off from Grossman and realized his blockers hadn’t cleared any space, he was able to manufacture extra yardage.  Even then, he still danced around the backfield too often and was never able to break off any long runs.

So it should be no surprise that Benson is struggling.  He is strictly a straight-ahead, power runner; if the hole isn’t open, he’s not going anywhere.  I’ve seen better run blocking from plastic lineman on an electric football table than what the Bears have shown this year.

Travis Johnson: (to self) OK, Trav…you gots to get these vows done. OK…here we go…

(takes out pad and crayon and begins to write) Baby, u so fine, I want to suck u like a smokt nekbone.

Frank Okam: (entering lockerroom) Hey, Trav, what’s up?

Johnson: Shut your ass, rookie. Can’t you see I am trying to think here?

Okam: Think about what? What are you writing?

Johnson: Damn, you a nosy motherfucker. Shit. I’m trying to write my motherfuckin’ wedding vows. The woman says we have to write our own so they be special. She knows I ain’t wrote nuthin’ since high school.

Okam: You mean college?

Johnson: D-d-d0 I stutter, you rookie asshole? No, I mean HIGH SCHOOL.

Okam: Oh, yeah, I totally forgot you went to Florida State. My bad. Well, uh, I could give you some help on this if you want.

Johnson: The fuck do you know about wedding vows?

Okam: Well, not much per se, but I tend to write well. And I’m willing to help. (glances at paper) And based on what you have so far, it’s probably a good idea for you to let someone help. Assuming you actually want her to say “I do,” I mean.

Johnson: The fuck is wrong with what I have so far? That’s some romantical shit right there, rookie. You ain’t got no idea how bitches think. They don’t want some lovey Homeo and Juliet making out on the Eiffel Tower shit. That shit is for the gays. Like Trent Green would probably whisper that kinda shit.

Okam: (looking confused)…on the…Eif–nevermind. (has epiphany) OK, fine, you’re probably right; you’ve got way more life experience than I. How about I just help you with some ideas and help you proofread it?

Johnson: I guess that’s cool. So, after the neckbone bit, I was going to go into detail about how much I love her.

Okam: Sounds like a plan.

Johnson: Something like this:

Baby, I luv u mor than I luv getin relly high and watching old kung-fu movies.

Okam: Hmm.

Johnson: What?

Okam: Oh, nothing. Just considering how great the woman must be. That’s all.

Johnson: Yeah, she pretty fly. No doubt about that. So, then, I thought I’d tell her how much she means to me.

Baby, u meen mor to me than my PS3, my 22s, and that time I got to hang out with Jamie Foxx and ride arond in his limo and shit.

Okam: Pure poetry, man. Go on, though. Tell her why she means so much to you.

Johnson: Yeah, dawg! Good call.

Baby, u are so speshul to me because u done had my kids.

Okam: That’s it?

Johnson: More? How about

And becuze u luv me and becuze u don’t mind how much I swet when we be sexin cuz u understand that Houston is one humid mutherfucker.

Okam: Awesome.

Johnson: Then, finally, I thought I’d get all deep on her ass and tell her how because of her, I understand what love really is.

Okam: (genuinely shocked) Seriously? Preach on it, man.

Johnson: Yeah, so, like

Baby, u no I never understude why Jay-Z didn’t put the song Encore last on the Black Album if that was relly suppost to be his final album. I mean, shit, the last verse says “this heres the victry lap and I’m leevin’;” don’t that sound like the way to end an album? But luv ain’t neer as confuzin as that shit–when I am with u, I understan that love is what I feel in my heart.

Okam: (relieved) Fantastic, man. She is going to love it. Great job.

Johnson: Thanks, rookie fag. Now, I gots to go memorize this stuff.(Johnson leaves)

Okam: (to self) Yes, go memorize your little vows, Travis. I can’t wait for her to hear them, either. BWAHAHA! I will destroy you, Travis. Yes, DESTROY! And then the starting Nose Tackle job shall be mine!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

To Be Continued…

Dear Shitbag,

This is the thanks I get for being your biggest apologist and defender in the whole fucking universe? Fuck you. Fuck you straight to hell.

Consider: Despite you doing next to nothing since being drafted, I immediately jumped on the bandwagon when you seemed to pick up your play in the preseason. When you taunted an unconscious man, not only did I write what I believe to be one of my two or three best posts in response, I went on Big Blue Shoe’s fucking podcast to defend your ignorant ass. When I went to the Titans game at Reliant, I cheered for you as you played perhaps your best game as a Texan. And whenever the talk turned to the 2008 team, rather than join the Trade Travis movement, I consistently penciled you in at Nose Tackle alongside Amobi Okoye, despite the fact that you are better suited to play the Under Tackle position.

No more. As of today, I am done.

Do you realize how fucking ridiculous you looked getting not one, but TWO completely avoidable late hit fouls? On the first one, you were still being blocked Manning went down right in front of you. You had a clear view of the play as Mario rode him to the ground. There was no way you could have thought that the play was still live or that Manning had fumbled. Yet, you pounced on him like were trying to be some kind of hard ass thug. Not long thereafter, you ran directly at a play where two Texans had tackled the ball carrier, took nearly three steps after the whistle had blown, then lowered your large, empty head and rammed it into the other player’s helmet. Fucking brilliant. Hell, in between those plays, you had another helmet-to-helmet hit that wasn’t called. It was almost as if you’d decided that this was the game where you were going to make a name for yourself as the biggest retard in the National Football League.

You, sir, are a classless, piece-of-shit, moron asshole who brings nothing positive to the table. I cannot wait until you are no longer a member of the Houston Texans organization. I wish you nothing but the worst from here on out. You fuck.

Sincerely,

Matt

P.S. I hope you contract gonorrhea from a transvesite hooker.

In the spirit of the holiday season, let us start with the good things from yesterday’s game. This will be a short list.

• Mario Williams. Super Mario continued to show that he should not only be on the Pro Bowl roster, but should be a starter, putting up a sack in his sixth straight game and keeping pace as the AFC leader. It’s a bit premature, but I am going to come out and say it now–next year, anything less than 18 sacks will disappoint me. (He did get fooled on the Dallas Clark end around, but, Christ, who didn’t?)
• Earl Cochran. I have no idea how he does it, but Earl gets to the ball more or less unblocked more often than not. Hell, he made a tackle on the RB eight yards downfield at one point. He’s fast, aggressive, and has fluid hips that allow him to turn in space. If we don’t keep him around, it’s a mistake.
• Fred Bennett. I love The Fred. The back-to-back passes to Wayne (second one for a TD) notwithstanding, Fred played his ass off all day. 11 tackles, a forced fumble, two great breaks on balls to break up passes…the fact that he languished on the bench while Petey was out there stinking up the joint is still irritating. The good news, though, is that a Bennett/Dunta Robinson combo would mean we finally had two real CBs.
• DeMeco Ryans. Injured knee nothing. It pretty much doesn’t matter which direction the play goes or where Ryans is lined up pre-snap–if the ball leaves the QBs hand, there is roughly a 74.4% chance that DeMeco will be in on the play that brings the ball carrier down. Amazing. The announcers–who, by the way, sucked–mentioned that over the last two seasons, Ryans has more tackles than ANYONE in football. He’s good like that.
• Andre Johnson. Same as it ever was, AJ is just a monster. He’d have been even better Sunday had Sage not eyeball humped him as he ran his routes (more on that later).
• Andre Davis. The man is a special teams ninja.
• Matt Turk. Never a good sign when his 4 punts for a 44.5 yard average are a highlight.

Now for the bad. These are the little lumps of coal in the stocking of my life.

• The secondary other than Fred Bennett. Will Demps seems to knock the crap out of people on every hit, yet, strangely, he doesn’t really knock people flat on their asses most of the time. I can’t figure it out. Case in point, Kenton Keith took Demps’ hit head on, paused briefly, and then moved forward for additional yards. I like Will and I’m glad he’s been so good for us, but this could be a problem. Even more of a problem is the fact that C.C. Brown only hits people with any sort of authority when they are extended or not looking. When the opposing player could see him coming, Brown was as harmless as a fart on a windy day Sunday. Even more irritating, though, was the way he played his position (or, more accurately, didn’t play his position). He was nowhere to be seen on Joe Addai’s TD run (Charlie Anderson also whiffed on this one, but Brown was noticeably absent behind him), he got juked out of his shorts by Clark in the open field, he nearly airballed when he went to shove Clark out of bounds later, he was late to pick up Wayne in the two-deep coverage after Bennett released him, and he vacated his position on Clark’s second TD catch. But Brown was an All-Pro compared to Von Hutchins, who was used and abused by Wayne until Kubiak adjusted and put Bennett on Reggie. He was absolutely roasted on the 42-yard bomb to Wayne near the end of the first quarter (Why was Demps up at linebacker depth before the snap on that play if he wasn’t blitzing and where was Brown? Or did someone think it was a good idea to see if Hutchins could run with Wayne?). AND Hutchins was so late closing on WRs that caught the ball in front of him that they were twice tackled by a linebacker who had to first turn and then chase them down. Oh, and then there was Jamar Fletcher…
• Sage Rosenfels. I sincerely hope that this game will hush the “Sage is Baby Jesus” talk. Even if you don’t want to say he failed as a starter, the fact is that he has never impressed someone to the point that he was “the guy” other than when he was replacing an injured starter. Sunday, he showed us why. There were at least five balls thrown behind receivers, two of which were picked. He stared down his receivers from the snap and threw directly where he was looking almost every time. He forced throws to Andre Johnson when Walter and/or Daniels were wide open. This guy is a solid backup, but if someone wants to give us value for him, holding on to him is borderline retarded, because he is never going to be anything more than a solid backup.
• Darius Walker. I almost put him in the “good” list because he did look strong early and he ran the ball between the tackles well in the beginning stages of the second half. I put him here, however, because it became incredibly apparent that he is nowhere near fast enough to get the ball to the outside and create something out of nothing. The Colts adjusted to his early runs by keeping the LBs home and letting Walker decide whether to run into them or to take it outside where he was hauled down with minimal effort. Of course, seeing this, Kubiak decided it would be a good idea to pitch the ball to him eight yards behind the line and see what he could do (the answer: nothing). I like the idea of him as a third-down back, but that’s about it.
• Travis Johnson. This gets its own post.
• Kris Brown. You miss your only FG, you go on this list by default. Not a horrible game by the Husker, but he didn’t seem upset at all that he pushed that 49-yarder wide.
• Vonta Leach. Question: What good is a fullback who misses on his lead blocking assignments? Answer: No good at all, regardless of whether the coach and QB try to force passes to him. Leach played like butt. Now, part of this might have been due to Walker’s lack of speed; blocking for someone slower than you are probably takes a different approach. Still…man…never a good day when the FB stands out.

Other notes from the contest:

• Regardless of what the now-banned-commenter “Tom,” thinks, the problem Sunday was not the blitz getting burned. Only one of the TDs came against a blitz, and that was a weird phenomenon where we sent too many blitzers and the lanes got clogged up before we could get there. Otherwise, the problem was the Manning was picking apart our zone and then Reggie Wayne would abuse whomever was on him in man coverage. And that we couldn’t get to Manning whether we sent 4, 5, or 6 rushers. And that we couldn’t move the ball because Sage imploded after the second possession. AND because 3/4 of our secondary was playing like crap.
• Kubiak’s playcalling left a lot to be desired. Outside runs with Walker, sending Kevin Walter on a 6 yard route when you need 8, not going for it on fourth when we should have, using Andre Johnson on a hitch screen from our own 25, etc. Uninspiring at best.
• Owen Daniels continues to run hot and cold. He’ll make some great catches over the middle and get you all excited, only to irritate you when he alligator arms one in the face of a linebacker or fails to catch easy balls.
• Tony Dungy may be the nicest guy in the NFL or in the whole world. He might be a great father, husband, coach, and author. But he looks like a whiny ninny when he stands there and yells “no, no, no!” at the refs after they called one of the most obvious horse-collar tackles you’ll ever see.
• So much for the nine wins. At least we have one more crack at .500. I never thought I’d be so happy to be playing a team with absolutely nothing to play for. (Though you could argue that the Colts didn’t have much to play for, either…)

Travis Johnson: (singing to himself) “A-dashing to the sto’ in a big ass Chevrolet. These peoples drive too slow. Bitch, get out my way! Wearing a Santa hat, makes my spirits bright. But if someone laughs at it I’ll gut them like a motherfucking snitch-ass bitch!” Damn. I had some rhyme-time shit going on there for a second. Still…snitch-ass bitches do get stitches, so that kinda works. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but I sing it any way.”

(arrives at Galleria, somehow manages to find a parking spot) OK…let’s see…WHOA! This big ass map says I am here! How the fuck!? How does it know that shit!? That some spooky, voodoo, hocus-pocus bullshit right there!

five minutes elapse

(still looking at the map) You think you’re so smart, Mr. Map? Well let’s just see about that. (walks around to back of map, counts to four, jumps back in front of it) A-ha! Now what do you have to sa–MOTHER FUCKER! “You are here.” How does it know?!? I need to find that cologne-sellin’ booth and get away from this plastic devil.

(walks up to perfume counter at Nieman Marcus) Hello, perfume lady.

Lady Behind Counter: Hello, sir. Is there something I can help you with?

Johnson: Yes, perfume lady. You see, I have many, many peoples who love them some Travis Johnson. I want to get them something special that will let them think about Travis any time they wear it.

Lady: Well, we have several new scents this yea–

Johnson: No, perfume lady, you seem to be misunderstanding Travis. Let Trav spell it out for you, homegirl. I want to get them something smells like me. I want to make Eau de Trav or Johnson Fields or some such heavenly fragrance.

Lady: I…but…wait…what? You want to bottle your own scent?!

Johnson: Precisely. So, let’s do it. Hook me up to whatever scentifying machine you gots back there and start extractin’ some of that Travisey goodness.

Lady: That’s not really how it works, sir. We can’t bottle your “scent. ”

Johnson: The fuck you mean you can’t bottle Travis’ scent?! You got that Liz Taylor stank in a bottle! And I don’t even know who the fuck “Ralph Lauren” is, but you got that dude’s funk in a lot of different bottles. Travis gots a much better musk than that motherfucker!

Lady: Sir, please, keep your voice down or I will have to call security. There is no way I can get your “musk” in a bottle. It is literally impossible.

Johnson: What the fuck? Ain’t this about a bitch? What the hell am I supposed to do with this, then?

Lady: What is that? Is that a jar of…

Johnson: You know it, perfume lady. That’s a week worth of 100% Travis Johnson ball sweat. I collected it myself. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do? Of course you don’t, because you are a woman, so you have flabias and clicks instead of balls. But trust me–it ain’t easy.

Lady: (trying not to vomit) Sir…you need…GUH…to put that…away!

Johnson: The fuck I do! I need to mix it with, like, the smell of some roses and peaches and shit, and then put that shit in a little glass bottle with some France writing on it. Maybe have some glitter and shiny shit on the outside, just so it looks as pretty as it smells. Mark that shit $99.95! People in other countries fight wars for this kind of magic love potion! This shit might just cure blindness. Hell, you rub this on a dead baby and that little dude will probably live again. This is some top-notch, magical stankonia!

Lady: Sir, I am not really even sure what you are talking about now, but, for the LAST TIME, we cannot bottle your “smell” here. Now, unless there is something else I can help you with, I am going to have to ask you to leave.

Johnson: Oh, HELL no. Nobody asks Travis Johnson to leave!

Lady: SECURITY!!!!

(two guards run up) Johnson: Motherfucker! It’s on, now. I was just trying to Christmas shop, but you had to go and start shit. (gets into crane kick pose) Enter the dragon, bitches!

So, there are two new shirts in the DGDB&D pro shop. Same deal as always: I buy a beer for anyone I see wearing a DGDB&D shirt. (Disclaimer: I don’t make any money on the shirts. Strictly non-profit here, baby.)

10/07/07

12:01 PM
Travis Johnson’s Brain: You know…I have a lot of respect for Trent Green. I mean, it’s not just any ol’ white boy that can throw like a girl and still be able to make an NFL career. That’s impressive. Do yo’ thing, whitey.

Legs: Did we stretch enough? I dunno. Damned airconditioned dome, keeping us cold all the time. This is stupid.

Eyes: Yo, our offensive is looking pretty good. Matty is spreading the ball around. OH SHIT!!! Did you see that pass to Andre?!? Hells yeah!

Mouth: LET’S GO, OFFENSE! PUNCH THIS IN!

12:18 PM
Brain: Okay. Let’s do this. 7-3, baby. Let’s get a three and out!

Mouth: LET’S GO, DEFENSE! THREE-AND-OUT, BABY!

Eyes: End around! Run, motherfucker, run!

Legs: Let’s go!

Eyes: FUMBLE! No, wait, he’s running the other direction.

Legs: Oh, hell yeah. Tedd Ginn ain’t shit! We’re gonna catch him. This is gonna be some highlight reel shit right her–

Trent Green’s Head: BONZAI!!!!!!!

Travis Johnson’s Right Knee: OW!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!? JESUS CHRIST, THAT HURT!!! DID WE JUST TRIP OVER A GARDEN GNOME AGAIN?!

Eyes: We’re seeing double here. Hold on. Okay…that was…OH, HELL NO! That was the motherfucking quarterback!!!

Brain: Who the fuck does he think he is?! Nobody hits motherfucking Travis Johnson like that! Nobody!! We should tell him that, too!

Legs: C’mon, we’re heading to the bench.

Right Knee: (with each step) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Brain: Go on, mouth. Tell him what’s up!

Right Hand: (points) I’ll help you.

Mouth: Motherfucker! Don’t ever motherfucking hit me like that again in your motherfucking life or I will break your motherfucking ass in half, you punk bitch motherfucker! I ain’t even play–

Travis Johnson’s Eyes: I think he’s dead.

Legs: That don’t mean the mouth is wrong. Let’s keep moving, though.

Right Knee: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. What’s that fucking clicking sound? Ow.

12:20 PM
Right Knee: You know what, Brain?

Brain: What?

Right Knee: I don’t have so much respect for Trent Green anymore.

Brain: Nah, me neither.

Right Knee: In fact… you know what… FUCK Trent Green!

Brain: Yeah! He’s like… um… scared. Like a, uh, a fucking…SCARECROW! Like some Wizard of Odds, shit. Scarecrow motherfucker. Get the wizard to give you some courage and shit!

Right Knee: I think it was the Lion who wanted courage.

Brain: Which one of us got the B- in book readin’ at Florida State, you gimpy bitch? Besides, that don’t make sense. Lions are brave motherfuckers. Kings of the jungle book and shit. Scarecrows is scared, obviously.

Right Knee: But they are supposed to scare the crows. Ah, fuck it. Nevermind.

Brain: That’s right! Can’t NOBODY step to this knowledge.

3:45 PM
Mouth: The bottom line is, it was a malicious hit. It was uncalled for.

Brain: Tell ‘em that scarecrow shit I came up with!

Mouth: He’s like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn’t looking, and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head.

Brain: Yeah!

Eyes: People seem confused by that. Are you sure it was the scarecrow?

Brain: They just can’t keep up with my intellect, fool. Now, listen mouth. Give them something about how the hit was dirty and that nobody likes dirty hits. Maybe throw some religion in there, just so no one thinks you are a jerk.

Mouth: God don’t like ugly, you know what I mean?

Brain: Perfect!

According to this Chron article, Travis Johnson will not be fined for his taunting penalty. In a league where throwing a ball at someone’s feet can get you $7500 and wearing the wrong hat at the Super Bowl can get you $100,000, the NFL’s refusal to fine Johnson practically screams that they understood why he would be pissed and felt that, while the penalty was correct, so was Johnson’s being angry.

Gene Washington determined that Johnson’s taunting penalty did not warrant a fine, said Greg Aiello, the league’s senior vice president of public relations. The player was upset about what he thought was an illegal block. Gene did not believe he deserved to be fined.

Implied in that decision is that they also did not buy into the idea that Green’s own self-inflicted loss of consciousness should factor into whether what Johnson did was right or wrong. Considering how untenable and ridiculous that suggestion really is, I’m glad they feel this way. After all, where does one draw the line? What if Green was only dizzy and not out? What if he was fine and Johnson was injured? What if they both were injured? The league, unlike some knee-jerk reactionaries, does not feel that what happens to the hitter as a result of his hitting the hittee should factor into whether the hittee’s reaction to said his is fine-worthy.

With that, I’ll consider this matter closed. Though I remind you again that God don’t like ugly.

Last night, NFLN showed the Texans-Dolphins game on NFL Replay. 90 minute games with all the superfluous stuff cut out and some coach commentary on the big plays…what more could you want? Well, other than some boobies and possibly free beer. Oh, and money.

Thoughts on week 5

• In re: Petey Faggins. By my count, Petey was targeted only five times. Three were completions in front of him, one was overthrown, and one was a fantastic defensive play in the end zone on Faggins’ part. This last one suggests to me that Cleo Lemon is clearly worse than Joey Harrington. Still, good job not costing us the game, Petey. How about doing that again this weekend?
• Mario Williams is quickly becoming dominant, yet no one outside of Houston notices because the sack numbers are not already in the double digits. His one-handed sack of Lemon was awesome and was a play that only four or five other guys in this league could make.
• If Ahman Green can’t go this week against Jacksonville, I think we should consider going with Hawaii’s 5-wide offense and losing any pretense of running the ball. That, or hold open tryouts in the Houston area. Something. Ron Dayne is suck personified.
• I know that others have said Fred Bennett looked “lost” out there and I can’t disagree because I couldn’t see everything that was going on. What it looked like on TV, though, was that his man made on great diving catch at the sideline and he played decent man coverage throughout. I am curious to hear details of his play away from the ball.
• I hope Kris Brown enjoys spending eternity in Hell. The only explanation for this season is that he made a deal with Satan in the offseason. (How did he miss last week, you ask? Easy. Lucifer’s favorite team is obviously the Falcons.)
• Dunta Robinson was in good position most of the day, but seemed to have a poor game by his standards. He was burned on at least three second-half passes (though one was a good sliding catch by the WR) and he was so worried about knocking Ted Ginn into next week on the Trent Green play that he blew the tackle.
• Speaking of Green, tell the next person who uses the words “stood over” in his description of the incident to eat balls. Travis Johnson did not break stride as he walked from where he landed on his skull to the bench.
• Owen Daniels is a stud. Plain and simple. We don’t win that game without him.
• Where did Andre Davis disappear to in the second half? He had one catch at the 8:45 mark of the second half and that was it. Did the Dolphins start doubling him or something?
• Jason Taylor’s first sack was just raw speed and talent getting by the OL. Hard to fault anyone for that. The second was on a twist-stunt, and both Salaam and Pitts got mixed up on it. The announcers said Taylor beat Pitts, but it looked like both linemen whiffed.
• Morlon Greenwood quietly had a fantastic game. 5 tackles and a nice pass defense, plus just generally good play throughout.
• I’m just going to say it: Matt Schaub’s fumblitis is becoming a concern. Just sayin’.
• Another concern? Our general inability to force a three-and-out.
• All in all, I was happy with the offense and slightly less happy with the defense. Getting Jacoby Jones back on special teams is a must.

Some follow-up notes on “The Travis Johnson Incident.”

• I’ve received a couple emails from people saying that they don’t entire agree with me. That’s to be expected and it’s one of the things I like about feedback. One of the main points that emails have mentioned, though, is that I am way off-base when I say Green should have hit Johnson high. If Johnson were running right at Green, that would be true.
  However, the point remains that, regardless of where Green hit Travis, the hit was almost certainly going to be blind. Now, while it would be suicidal for Green to try to go numbers-to-numbers with Johnson, hitting him in the shoulder when he doesn’t see it coming (more on that in a second) would have been completely effective and safe for both players. My bigger point, though, is that Green could have basically hit Johnson anywhere between Johnson’s earhole and his thigh pad and both players would have been fine.
• As to Johnson getting blindsided, if one wants to fault him for anything on that play, not seeing looking for a block would probably be it. “Head on a swivel” is the phrase that special teamers and pass-catching TEs and the like use frequently. Well, a DT running free in space makes a pretty large target and would do well to heed that advice. Of course, the flip side to that is that asking someone to watch out for a cheap shot to his knees as he is trying to track the ball-carrier is asking a little much. Still, if you are looking to make Johnson guilty of something in the play, that would be it.
• A lot of people have mentioned the KSK discussion of the hit. My favorite line is “Johnson’s only crime was being excited that Green’s pisspoor blocking skill didn’t end his career.” Pretty much.
• McClain offers up a pretty fair take that discusses the scenario from both sides. He also mentions that Johnson has a “clicking” in his knee and will undergo an MRI. Great. Fantastic. That’s what we need. How dare he get angry at Green for that hit?
• Regardless of what you think of Johnson’s “taunting,” (and I use quotes because I don’t think it was really taunting in anything but the purely technical sense) you have to admit that Green getting knocked cold was Green’s fault and no one else’s. So, yeah, if you want to feel sorry for the guy because he got yelled at when he couldn’t hear it, go ahead; but Green doesn’t deserve much (or any) sympathy for actually getting hit.
• Over at Fanhouse, Stephanie’s take is straight-forward and even-handed, which is exactly what you would expect. I mean that in a nice way. Michael Smith’s take, on the other hand, is trite drivel devoid of anything interesting or compelling, which is also exactly what you would expect. I wish someone would knee him in the head.
• Final thought. If you look at all the ways Green and Johnson could collide in a game setting, nearly every one either results in no penalty or a penalty on Johnson. Clean sack? No penalty. Green dives into Johnson’s knees from the blindside, possibly injuring him? No penalty. Sack where Johnson hits Green in the head? Flag. Sack where Johnson hits Green too low? Likely flag. Johnson trips and rolls into Green after the ball is released? Flag. Johnson sees Green trailing the play and lights him up before Green can block him? Flag. This is fair how?

Because I didn’t get to watch yesterday’s game, the first (and only) clip I saw of it was Travis Johnson running into Trent Green as Keith Olbermann called Johnson the “Worst Person in the NFL.” As Olbermann (whom I’ve generally liked throughout his sports career) opined at length about how Johnson was classless and needed to shut up and the like, my reaction to the clip was markedly different.

Watch the clip again. Johnson’s eyes are on Ted Ginn, whom he trails by a few yards and from an awkward angle. As the ball carrier turns, flattening Johnson’s pursuit angle even more, Green dives directly into Travis’s knees. This is a bullshit, bush-league move on Green’s part, so I am not the least bit surprised that Johnson was pissed off.

Ask yourself what happens if this whole block develops a half-second slower? Johnson’s foot is on the ground, Green’s shoulder goes into the knee, and Travis is most likely done for the season with multiple tears. And all we hear is how Trent sacrificed his body to make a block and, boy, it’s just a shame that someone wound up injured. Luckily (for Travis), the play happened as it did, sending him sprawling instead of sending him to the hospital.

Besides, look at Travis’s reaction. That is not someone jumping up, saying “yeah, bitch, you just got knocked the fuck OUT!” What point would there even be in taunting someone who successfully blocked you out of the play? How would that make any sense at all? What’s he gonna say, “ha ha, you tried to block me and you got hurt?” That’s lame and I highly doubt anyone would taunt for that. Getting pissed off, however, because some pussy quarterback didn’t have the balls to hit you in the shoulder, or shove you, or do anything other than a blindside dive into your knees? That makes perfect sense. In THAT situation, there is a point in letting someone know that, “motherfucker, if you ever hit me in the knees again, I’ll fucking end you.”

Should Johnson have said anything at all? Maybe not, if only because Green was clearly not moving. On the other hand, Johnson jumped up and just started going after Trent, so I kind of doubt that Travis was even thinking to himself that Green might be hurt. As soon as Travis walked around so that he could see Green’s face and it registered that Trent was not moving, Johnson went away. So, I suppose I look at the whole thing like this: If Green hadn’t been injured, would Travis have been right to get pissed off and start yelling at him? Of course. Would every other defensive lineman in the game react to that block by getting up and yelling (or even shoving) the QB who blocked him? Yup. So, just because a concussion-prone pussy managed to get busted in the head while throwing a cheap-but-technically-legal block that would elicit a similar response from anyone, why should Johnson’s initial reaction be any different? It shouldn’t.

By the way, Peter King, you can save the “it was a legal block” horseshit. By the letter of the law, sure, it was not illegal…which is probably why Johnson wasn’t screaming to the ref that there should be a flag. But you can bet your sweet ass that if Johnson had flown into Green’s knees as Trent was throwing, there would have been a penalty on Houston, so it’s not like kneecapping someone when they are in a vulnerable spot is commonly accepted practice. Even two of the three former players in your NBC crew said it was a cheap shot. “Cheap” does not have to equal “illegal” to be outside what is acceptable among players.

What about Green’s excuse (which he texted to Fatty Starbucks) of “[h]e outweighs me by over 100 lbs. Where shld I blk him?” Johnson was chasing Ted Ginn of all people and was already trailing and had a shit angle. There was no chance in hell Travis was going to catch him from behind. How about just a shove? Or shoulder to shoulder contact? Or shoulder pad to his mid-section, because after all, you were blindsiding him, so you had some options. Don’t give me the “he’s big” defense when you had other options. I’ve seen Brett Favre block linemen for years and he never had to resort to that kind of cheap shit, so don’t expect sympathy when you get a concussion from a bullshit move on your part.

But, anyway, back to the alleged taunting. Yes, Johnson drew a penalty for it, though that probably had more to do with the pointing and yelling than with the substance of the words. I cannot think of a single time where I’ve seen an NFL player taunt someone after severely injuring his opponent, even when it is a defensive player making the injurious hit. So why should we believe that Johnson was going to “taunt” after getting hit? The only explanation for Travis’s actions that makes sense in context–and that jives with Johnson’s quotes after the game–is that he was pissed about the location of the hit and was yelling at the player who hit him. What is wrong with doing that?

******

Two final side-notes.

1. I fully admit that I do not like Trent Green and that I might have taken a little glee in what happened (once I realized he wasn’t dead). Still, I’d like to think that my reaction would be the same with any two players in that situation.

2. Why is it that Johnson’s actions are causing people to fail to mention the stupidity on Green’s part of leading with his goddamned head when he knows he is concussion-prone?