Kickoff - “Jon Kitna Masturbates To The Bible” Edition
Oct 17, 2008 Dunta Robinson, Ha ha... you like the Lions, Inanity, Kickoff, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans
I have no idea if that is true, but you believed it for just a moment, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?!?
Impressive. Steph lays out a case for firing Richard Smith and manages to do so without using “fuck,” “retard,” or “his defensive scheme is less watchable than your grandma fucking a midget.”
The Legacy of Matt Millen. Since 2001—a year in which the Texans did not yet exist—the Texans have won more games than the Detroit Lions. In other words, Detroit Lions fans are the one fanbase that even Texans fans should pity.
Reminder. THE ORIGINAL BAD MOTHERFUCKER, DUNTA ROBINSON, IS BACK!
Finally. Flashback time.
Kickoff — “It’s Still Raining Here And I Don’t Think It’s Stopping Anytime Soon” Edition
Sep 3, 2008 2008 Season, Fuck you Gustav, Ha ha... you like the Lions, Kickoff, Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans
Not-So-Hugene. I am linking to this via BRB, just so I don’t have to feel dirty for linking to Pancakes, but the message is the same: the release of Brandon Frye was, apparently, made to create room to sign Eugene Wilson (most recently of the Steelers and formerly of the No-Good Cheaterpantses). To further borrow from Tim, the idea of a CB corps of The Fred, The Project, Petey, and Petey Redux scares me shitless. So, while this isn’t exactly a shrewd move, it’s probably the smartest play available at this late date. (Also, this continues that trend we seemed to start late last year of picking up the most recently-released player from our next opponent.)
I still say we can win this game. The mothership has the scouting report on the Steelers. The good news for us? The Steelers line is still awful and their secondary (other than Polamalu) is suspect. The bad news? The have a lot of offensive weapons and Limas Sweed is probably having wet dreams about matching up with Faggins in the nickel. Damn. (h/t Eric)
Well, this pretty much guarantees he won’t play in Houston. Apparently—and, remember, this is coming from professional assbag, Mike Florio, so take it with a fucking hunk of salt—Tatum Bell attempted to steal Rudi Johnson’s bags while the latter was visiting with the team. If true, this is beyond hilarious. Johnson shows up, Bell realizes he’s being shown the door, so he grabs Rudi’s shit and tries to get a female friend to keep the stuff for him. Fantastic! (h/t stacy)
Finally. If the season is here, that can only mean one thing—Intertex is back with Texans YouTube videos. Up first, a look at our 2008 opponents.
God Hates The Cowboys
Jul 30, 2008 Blasphemy, Fake Conversations with Real People, Fuck the Cowboys, Ha ha... you like the Lions, Horribly obvious jokes
Heaven, 12:03 PM GMT, God’s House (which looks a lot like something Gilbert Arenas would design).
God: I don’t get it, Job. Athletes are constantly giving me credit when they win. Why is that? Why the hell should I care who wins in college basketball for example? I HATE basketball. And hockey players? Shit, I hate Canada as a whole. So, like I said, I don’t get it. People seem to think I like every sport and every person equally and that, for whatever reason, I bless some teams and some athletes to win like I’m a benevolent Tim Donaghy or some shit.
Job: Yeah, I never understood that. The ones that crack me up are the diehard Christians who claim you helped them do everything. Does Jon Kitna really think you would make someone into a mediocre quarterback if you gave a rat’s ass about him?
God: Exactly! The last QB I helped out was Kurt Warner for a few years, and that had more to do with me thinking his perpetual five o’clock shadow—which I also created—was pretty awesome. And I got just as much joy from ceasing to help him as I did from seeing him succeed. Jon Kitna?!? Please. Jon Kitna can suck my dick. Fuck Jon Kitna.
Job: Where’s all this coming from, anyway, dude?
God: Eh, I dunno. I was thinking about those douchebag Cowboys and them re-incorporating that fucking hole in their new stadium so I could watch. What a bunch of fucking assholes. I’ve tried everything through the years—letting Satan buy them, giving them a gay QB, introducing Michael Irvin to coke, making Romo fumble that game-winning FG, consistently making Jacques Reeves look like Petey Faggins—and they STILL think I like them.
Job: Yeah. Hey, wait. You did a ton of shit to me, too, and said it was because you “loved” me!
God: Totally different, man. Totally different. That was…um…a test. Anyway, the point is, I fucking HATE the Cowboys. How can I get this across to them more effectively? I thought putting Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones on their roster would do the trick, but I guess not.
Job: Hmm. How about a natural disaster?
God: You mean like another flood?
Job: No, nothing that severe just, I dunno, shake them up a bit.
God: Great idea! (causes massive earthquake) Maybe that’ll teach ‘em! Suck on shaking earth, you filthy sonsabitches!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Leonard Davis (on Earth): AGGGHHHHH!!! FUCK!!! SHIT GODDAMN!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? THE SKY IS FALLING!!!! JESUS, SAVE ME!!!! (breaks down in tears)
Job: Nicely done, man. Really, top-notch work. Oh, hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you—did you have a hand in David Tyree’s catch?
God: Of course.
Job: So, does that mean you are a Giants fan?
God: Hell no. I just cannot fucking stand the Patriots. Bunch of cheatin’ homos.
Gary Kubiak eats eggs for breakfast on Tuesdays
May 17, 2007 Amobi Okoye is 19, Ha ha... you like the Lions, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment
One of the stranger things about being a Texans fan* is that the stuff fans of other teams would ignore is generally the only stuff we even have to talk about. [Author's note: I realize that was an awful sentence. Just move along.] What do I mean? Well, while Cowboys fans are talking about Romo developing as a leader and having a certain swagger about him, we are discussing whether Matt Schaub should or should not wear number 8 due to the baggage that number apparently has. (My answer? Yes, he should.)
While Chicago beat writers are lamenting the Lance Briggs situation and wondering if he is an expendable part of a Super Bowl defense, those who cover the Texans are spending 1,200 words on the impending retirement of Kailee Wong.**
Such dichotomies are to be expected, I suppose. Lions fans probably deal with the same thing (obviously punctuated by jokes about Matt Millen, wide receivers, and The Curse of Wayne Fontes). And it’s not like we never get real news–this story about Mario Williams being healthy and happy and enamored with Manchild probably qualifies as newsworthy–but it would sure be nice to read something along the lines of “Texans add offensive firepower following first-round playoff exit.”
Someday, I guess.
In other news, the NFL is considering shortening the amount of time each team gets to make draft picks. I think this is a fantastic plan and I hope it happens sooner rather than later. Fifteen minutes has always seemed brutally long, not to mention unnecessary, ESPECIALLY for first round picks. I mean, shouldn’t teams have a pretty clear picture of who they want in the first? That would seem to be the round where teams would be the MOST prepared. I understand the idea that fifteen minutes is partly so that teams have time to make trade, but it’s my sneaking suspicion that most trades either happen or don’t within the first five minutes. If you can’t hammer the deal out in ten minutes, I highly doubt the extra five is going to create a miraculous breakthrough.
*I mean “strange” in a somewhat positive way. This is different than the “strange” that refers to “constantly defending the Mario Williams pick” and “wondering if we can get to .500 this year.”
**Hold up. The ALL-TIME sack leader for the Texans has 15 sacks? Um… Super Mario could theoretically become the single-season and career sack leader for this team this year, in his SECOND season. File this factoid under: Why we’ve never made the playoffs.
