Time to hop on the Nall train
Nov 4, 2008 Fuck Jared Allen, H/T Eric, Had to post something, Shit
Or something.
Quarterback Craig Nall, who spent three weeks with the Texans last season, has been signed to back up Sage Rosenfels.
Bring the bleach.
h/t Eric
Pop Quiz
Aug 27, 2008 Had to post something, Stats, Suck it bitchez, Teams that aren't the Texans
Compare and Contrast the following two teams’ first six seasons. Remember to show your work. Bonus points will be given for using the data contained in this table to refute and/or mock certain fans and national sportswriters.
| . | Yr 1 | Yr 2 | Yr 3 | Yr 4 | Yr 5 | Yr 6 | WP% |
| Team A | 0-11-1 | 4-9-1 | 5-8-1 | 4-10-0 | 5-8-1 | 7-7-0 | .329 |
| Team B | 4-12 | 5-11 | 7-9 | 2-14 | 6-10 | 8-8 | .333 |
Travis Johnson explains the finer points of the impact of rising fuel prices
Jul 7, 2008 Frank Okam is an evil genius, God hates ugly, Had to post something, Inanity, Travis Johnson, Travis Johnson explains things
Hello, peoples. Travis Johnson here. As I’m sure you noticed if you drove anywhere over this past weekend, gas be expensive as a motherfucker right now. And everyone be complaining about it, saying how they can’t afford it and shit. ‘Cept, when most people bitch about gas prices, they don’t consider the big picture of how those prices can affect other parts of their lives. Travis, on the other hand, is a master of the big picture. I actually took a class in “big picture thinking” at Florida State.
Or…wait…no…that was “motion pictures,” but same shit, ya know? After all, good ass movies like Mission: Impossible have all sorts of car chases and exploding trains and shit like that, and that kind of shit takes fuel, meaning that rising gas prices are going to make the movies more expensive. Unless you want to do nothing but ninja movies, since ninjas are, um, solar powered. And, ya know, Travis loves him a good ninja flick, but eventually people are going to get tired of ninja movies, and then you have to bring back shit blowing up, and then you run into those fuel costs again. It’s a vicious circle.
But what if you don’t like movies? Travis hears that a lot when I be explainin’ this shit to people, like that is some kind of damned excuse. I mean, you might not like donuts, but you can be sure that the people who do like donuts are going to be lined up waiting to get into Krispy Kreme when that “Hot Fresh Now” sign is flashin’, and you are going to be stuck in that traffic, burnin’ gas while your car idles. It’s the same way with the movies, too, cuz it don’t always matter what you like when you start talking about global economies, dig?
No? Damn it, y’all be dense. Let me spell this shit out real simple like, since y’all can’t seem to follow Travis’ next-level thinkin’.
Where does gas come from? That’s right — it’s the remains of dead dinosaurs that Jesus turned into liquid so he could power his car. Jesus was recyclin’ and goin’ green before it was the hip thing to do, but Jesus was always way ahead of the curve when it came to social trends. He rocked the long hair, had the original Tevas, home-brewed his own wine, knew that chicks would dig scars…that kinda shit, man. Anyway, Jesus thought he made enough that there would be oil forever, but he didn’t consider that some of y’all greedy motherfuckers would drive Hummers and shit. So, now we be runnin’ out of oil, which decreases the supply.
At the same time, the people who control the oil, the Arabs, hate the people who control the media, the Jews, because the Jews have a liberal bias and they be tellin’ folks to buy, like, hybrids and shit and they keep showing shows like Two And A Half Men, which really has nothing to do with oil, but is still hated by the Arabs. And, really, you can’t blame them because that Charlie Sheen was bangin’ the one ho from Wild Things and now he’s not, so he is like, gay, and stuff, and they hate gays. So there is even LESS oil available.
So…yeah, because of all that shit, the price of gas is going up and that is going to affect NFL teams just like it affects y’all. For one thing, it is going to become more expensive to scout new players, because the scouts have to drive or fly because they all think they too special to take a train because it is a scientific fact that trains make you dizzy and maybe make you throw up. Travis knows because he took a train once…it was electric and it went real fast, but it just kept going in circles and up and down these big ol’ hills and it even went upside down at one point, and then I guess the driver forgot some of his shit, because we wound up back in the same place we started and they made us all get off and told us we’d have to stand in line again if we wanted to ride and Travis wasn’t about to stand in no line with a bunch of screamin’ ass kids when he had just been on the train a few minutes before. And, since then, I ain’t never took no trains nomore and I don’t really blame the scouts for refusing to take them. So, instead, they drive or fly and they use more of that $4 per gallon gas.
Oh, and get this, footballs might actually make the price of gas go up more! I mean, we call them pigskins, but they ain’t actually made from pigs. In fact, according to my cousin Del’ron, who watches Discovery channel when he’s high, they made from leather. And leather comes from cows and, since we have to kill the cows to get the leather, the cows be dead and dead cows can’t make more of that fart gas alternative fuel, so people have to use regular gas. So, the more footballs that are made, the more gas that is going to be used. That ain’t good, peoples. That ain’t good at all.
Fortunately, Travis has a plan that can help the Texans minimize the impact of these gas prices. I call it the “Pay Travis” plan. Because, let’s be honest here, God don’t like ugly and Travis’ current deal be ugly as that Betty bitch. Anyway, in the “Pay Travis” plan, the Texans would pay Travis. That’s how I came up with the name.
It’s a simple plan, really. Since it is going to be more ’spensive to scout for new players, the Texans should lock up the players they have right now, starting with Travis Johnson. I mean, sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiit dude, if a barrel of oil is $150 or $200 or whatever the fuck, you tellin’ me that Travis ain’t worth at least, say, eleventy million dollars a year? C’mon, man…you know I’m right. So, that’s the plan, you give Travis eleventy million dollars per year for, say, threeve years, and that allows you to ride out this spike in the gas prices without expending extra dollars for scouting. Even better, since Travis plays defense, I don’t need no new footballs to practice with, so you wouldn’t have to buy so many, so other people would benefit. Travis always doing shit for other people. Travis loves da kids, just like Trick Daddy does.
Now, I know you might be saying that Travis’ play hasn’t been good enough to deserve a raise, even if helps cut down on the gas prices. To that, Travis says “fuck you, bitch.” Travis has played very well — y’all just don’t understand what defensive tackles do, man. You want Travis on that line; you NEED Travis on that line. That Frank Okam? Man, that dude ain’t nuthin’ but a no-account rookie shitbag. And, I heard that he likes to cut down trees and burn them with gasoline. That don’t sound like the kind of socially responsible player Mr. Bob be likin’ on this team. Oh, and Frank also leaves his Hummer running in the parking lot during practice, just so it’ll be nice and cool for him when he gets in. How messed up is that?!
So, yeah, if the Texans are really wanting to help out with rising gas prices, they should do the socially responsible thing and pay Travis. And cut Frank Okam. Oh, and also, recycle.
A post wherein I rip on some things I hate
May 21, 2008 Fuck the Cowboys, Had to post something, Inflamed body parts, Overrated, Travis Johnson, Vince Young can't read this post
Dallas Cowboys. You know what I would do if I’d just made a big deal about landing Darren McFadden Lite in the first round of the NFL Draft? I’d turn around and give ANOTHER RB on my team $45 MM ($16 MM guaranteed). Yep, and I’d do this even though, for whatever reason, that RB was not even the starter for most of last season. Then I’d feel really good about this move when that RB’s agent said, [n]ow that he’s going to be the starter and one of the highest-paid players at his position, you’ll see his coming-out party,” suggesting that, had I paid him better earlier, I might not have needed to draft the second RB.
(Yes, I know that the “explanation” as it were is that “you need two RBs in this league,” though I seriously doubt the people who say that are suggesting that you need two highly-paid RBs, both of whom feels he should be the starter. Moreover, I’m not entirely sure that you need two starter-quality RBs at all. Sure, it’s nice, but the Pats have gotten by without two just fine. The Colts are a strange situation because they block so well that scrubs suddenly become solid starters. And it’s not like the Cowboys–who had a two-headed RB the last two years–have fared all that well when it really mattered.)
As a pre-emptive aside, if any Cowboys fans are reading this and feel the need to comment with something like “TRY GETING TO TEH PLAYOFS BEFOR U TALK SHIT,” please remember three things: (1) your team has won exactly as many playoffs games as the Texans during the Texans’ existence; (2) while you have made the playoffs, all you’ve done is this: 
; and (3) your mother is a worthless whore.
Tennessee Titans. I know this is old, but I can’t stop laughing at the “Vince Young partying with other half-naked drunk dudes” photos. My favorite is this one–
–mainly because Elroy the Naked Fat Redneck seems to be cracking that one dude up while Vince plays shy and hard-to-get. “Oh, these tats…yeah…I just…I dunno…I think they kind of make a statement about who I am. Say, that’s a nice beard/shaved head thing you’ve got workin’.”
Travis Johnson. “Inflamed pelvis?” Really??? AWESOME! (For comedic-writing purposes, not for your day-to-day well-being.) I guess that dick isn’t quite so holy, huh? You got gypped by the Pope!
2/19 Roster Moves
Feb 20, 2008 Barbaro is dead, Free Agency, Had to post something
The Texans did a little house-cleaning yesterday, though nothing major, releasing:
Shawn Barber - Pancakes is reporting that Zach Thomas is being brought in by the Texans next week. Will he try to re-capture Barber’s magic from the 2007 signing? Or will it be yet another bullet point that signing old linebackers who’ve lost a step is actually a bad idea. Barber costed us over $2MM. Yay?
Jeb Putzier - I really thought he would be a special receiving TE in Denver, and when we signed him, I hoped he would break out for the Texans. Yeah, I was a little wrong.
Drew Hodgdon and Mike Flanagan - These moves shouldn’t be a surprise in that we signed Okobi and Eslinger. Flanagan, especially, does not personify the mobile C necessary in a zone-blocking scheme.
All I can say is: Zach Thomas better not be the only free agent we bring in over the next couple of weeks.
Alive
Feb 16, 2008 Andre Johnson, Blasphemy, Bloggerating, Free Agency, Had to post something, Inanity, Injury bug, Jacoby Jones is slighty less unheralded, Ron Dayne likes pie, Rosie Rosenfels, Roster, Sign Andre Davis now, Updates
I know it’s been dead-ish around here. Apologies.
All should improve starting tomorrow. I think. Probably.
Until then, here are five topics to discuss:
- Has anyone ever done more in a shorter time to submarine his own trade value than Sage did at the end of the season?
- Andre Johnson–god, or mere demigod?
- If Ahman Green died in a forest, would anyone notice?
- Given that Andre Davis is a special teams ninja as well as a solid receiver, do you think Jacoby Jones admires Apostrohpe or secretly wishes him dead?
- Who weighs more: Ron Dayne or Rosie O’Donnell?
A Timeline Of Petey Faggins’ Suckiosity
Feb 8, 2008 2002 Draft, 2007 Season, Bloggerating, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Had to post something, History, Inanity, Self-Referential Stuff
June 13, 1979–On my first birthday, Petey Faggins is born. In what will become a lifelong theme, Faggins consistently misses the nipple as he tries to breast feed. He quickly learns that his only hope is to grab it with both hands and hope he can get his face there before it breaks free.
May 3, 1983–Three-year-old Petey’s pet turtle Rodrigo escapes. Petey attempts to tackle the turtle before it can get away, but misses completely. He lays on the ground crying as the turtle bolts for safety. His grandmother boos him for the first time.
November 25, 1990–Petey wins the role of Miles Standish in his fifth-grade Thanksgiving play. Despite an outstanding performance by little Stevie Johnson as Squanto, the play falls flat because Petey flubs all his lines and even falls off the stage at one point. The Pilgrims are booed mercilessly.
December 25, 1993–14-year-old Petey receives an autographed Deion Sanders football for Christmas. He holds it up and proclaims that he is going to be in the NFL as a defensive back one day, too. He then drops the football, breaking his grandma’s favorite ornament, prompting the old lady to punch him in the mouth. He cries.
January 15, 1997–Petey Faggins signs his letter of intent to play for Navarro Junior College. When asked why he didn’t sign with an NCAA school, Faggins offers only that they “didn’t know what they were missing.” People assume he is joking, so they laugh. Faggins dies a little inside.
July 29, 1999–Faggins transfers to Kansas State after two years at Navarro, where he quickly endears himself to the QBs he is facing in practice. “He’s a nice guy–never shows you up at all” says one QB.
April 21, 2002–On the strength of a good senior year, Faggins is drafted in the Sixth Round by the Houston Texans. Charlie Casserly goes to shake his hand, but Petey bites on what he thinks is a fake and nearly trips up the stairs. Dom Capers throws up a little.
October 13, 2002–Makes NFL debut, playing special teams against Buffalo. Was heard remarking “aw, crap” as Buffalo’s returners ran past him time and time again. Rumored to have considered making tackle, if only the other players would stop moving.
August 31, 2003–Released by the Texans, then signed the following day to the practice squad. Finds the level of competition on the practice squad to be similar to the NFL, thus he still sucks.
November 9, 2003–Resigned to active roster and makes season debut against the Cincinnati Bengals. Does not notch a tackle and receives several phone calls from childhood friends after the game reminding him that he sucks. He cries himself to sleep that evening.
September 2, 2004–Realizes that he will be on the active roster for the whole season, barring injury. Wants to go out with friends to celebrate this revelation, but all of them have other things to do. Faggins is empty inside.
2005 season–Starts 10 games. Every now and then, he does something positive and people begin to wonder if he is starting to suck less.
2006 season–Fighting an injury for much of the year, the time he does get on the field is spent dissuading the notion from last season. At one point, he nearly gets in a slap-fight with David Carr when Carr suggests that even he could light up Faggins. The fight is avoided, however, when in a shocking turn of events three or four other teammates chime in in agreement with Carr.
May 2, 2007–Da Good, Da Bad, and DeMeco is founded. The first post features this nugget: “Second, Demarcus Faggins and Dexter McCleon and Von Hutchins combine for a Suckfactor* score of roughly 9–a number that Jamar Fletcher is unlikely to bring down.” The blog will spend the entire summer railing about how awful Faggins is, but the pleas will fall upon deaf ears.
September 30, 2007–Faggins’ play against the Atlanta Falcons prompts this entry: “After last week, the pro-Petey stance was that he had matched up with great receivers and, thus, had no chance. Well, he’s in the process of getting meat-shanked by Harrington and some no-name wideouts, and he has two PIs and two holds. In short, he’s playing like someone who sucks. Because he is someone who sucks. So, new rule at DGDB&D (which, I believe, is our first and only rule): Excuses and/or praise for Faggins are verboten. Seriously.”
November 13, 2007–The injury to Dunta Robinson does not get Petey back into the starting lineup, much to my happiness. Of course, I also lose my mind and go off on the following rant:
Which actully dovetails into the bigger point I wanted to make. Namely, that my dumb ass has been screaming since the inception of this blog about how bad Faggins is (pre-blog, actually, but I have no visual proof of that), yet it took the Texans’ cognoscenti OTAs, training camp, and multiple shitty games–including games where you could pin the majority of the blame for the loss on him–before they could see what we already knew.
How is this possible? How is it that people who, given the chance, would explain to us how they understand football in ways we never will could themselves be so clueless about something so obvious? I understand the desire for them to give him the benefit of the doubt. I even understand not selling him out to the media after the Panthers game. But I do not, cannot, and will not pretend to understand how they could keep rolling out one of the worst starters in the NFL week after week.
And that is exactly what they are admitting with a move like this one with Hutchins. They are saying that Petey is so bad as a starting corner that even a season-ending injury is not enough to move him up the depth chart; that they would rather un-convert a CB-cum-safety than let Petey stink up the joint as a starter. To which I can only say, “duh” and “thank god,” respectively.
I guess what I am looking for is some sort of mea culpa from the front office or even from Kubiak himself. I just want a little “ok, my bad…Faggins is just not capable of doing this and we are sorry we pretended otherwise, but, look, we’re doing something to fix it.” I know I will never get this, though, so I suppose this Hutchins thing will just have to do.
If Faggins is on the opening day roster in 2008, though, I reserve the right to have someone killed.
December 31, 2007–To ring in the New Year, Faggins wants to go to a party in his neighborhood. He changes his mind, however, when he sees that the invitation tells him to bring a “covered dish” and he has no idea what “covered” means. Instead, he sits at home by himself, watching the ball drop on television. This vision calms him for some reason.
February 8, 2008–After another full season of sucking, Faggins causes a blogger to snap and write a barely-funny timeline in lieu of a post about how Faggins is the Good Charlotte of the NFL.
This satisfies my obligation to talk about Super Bowl-related stuff
Jan 31, 2008 Awesomeness, Bob McNair, Fuck the Cowboys, Had to post something, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Super Bowl 2011, Super Bowl 2012, The Future
Ever since it was awarded to them, I have thought how incredibly funny and awesome it would be to win our first Super Bowl in 2011 at the Cowboy’s new stadium in Arlington. I mean, seriously, the thought of Cowboys country having to deal with the throng of Texans fans all week long and then having to watch our team celebrate on their new field? Wow…I got a little movement just thinking about it.
That said, if for whatever reason we don’t win the Super Bowl that year, winning it the very next would be almost as sweet if Houston is hosting it. Bob McNair must be thinking the same thing.
“When I received the bid specifications from the NFL, I circulated them to leaders in the community to get their response,” said Robert C. McNair, chairman and CEO of the Houston Texans. “Their response was an overwhelming and totally-committed ‘YES, we want to bring the 2012 Super Bowl to Houston!’ With that, I said I would totally support our community’s efforts. Also, fuck the Cowboys.”
I like where his head is at. That’s a straight-shooter with upper management written all over him.
The article also lists Houston’s qualifications to host another Super Bowl, calling the last one a “huge success” before noting that,
in addition to Reliant Park, Houston will offer the George R. Brown Convention Center – another Houston convention center with nearly one million square feet of exhibit space, plus dozens of other city-owned and privately-owned facilities for the NFL’s use.
With two international airports, thousands of hotel rooms, Tim’s mom’s basement, world-renowned restaurants and retail experiences, and some of the finest sports and convention facilities in the world, there are no NFL requirements that Houston cannot meet or exceed.
Indeed.
Don’t call it a comeback
Jan 28, 2008 2008 Season, Had to post something, Hydrocodone, Jacoby Jones is slighty less unheralded, Jared Zabransky, Roster, Self-Referential Stuff, Undrafted Free Agent watch list
So, I’ve been absent lately. I nearly wrote “notably absent,” but that would have been presumptuous on my part and, most likely, incorrect. We’ll just stick with “absent.”
Anyway…as I have bitched to a number of you over email or text message, I managed to catch some sort of virus last week, which filled me with roughly twenty pounds of snot. By Saturday, I was feeling better, so I allowed myself to be roped into helping someone move, which caused me to spend all day out in damp, 40-degree air. Apparently, this was a bad idea, as my doctor informed me today that I now have “severe bronchitis, a double ear infection, and tonsilitis.” Which is another way of saying I feel like I got skull-fucked by a rhinoceros.
Why am I telling all of you this? Because I like to pretend like you care. Moving on…
As has been discussed here and elsewhere, the Texans hired Ray Rhodes. There is absolutely no way this can be seen as anything but a fantastic move. Whether Rhodes is merely an assistant and is tasked with helping to improve the secondary or he is made an assistant head coach and has more oversight, the end result is that someone with a MUCH better defensive mind than Richard Smith is going to have input on the defensive side of the ball.
1Texan’s dream of a Jared Zabransky-led offense is kaput–the Sooner Killer is expected to sign with the Steelers. He’s expected to “compete to be the team’s 3rd-string quarterback.” There really isn’t anything else to be said here.
[Author's Note: The movie The Number 23 is playing in the background as I write this. I am, coincidentally enough, 23 minutes into it. Does it get to a level even approaching "decent" in the near future, or should I change channels at the top of the hour?]
Finally, it seems that Jacoby Jones is back at Lane College this semester and hopes to graduate this summer. Good for him. I hope one of his final classes focuses on not being horribly cliched and boring in Q-and-A sessions. Reading that was like watching him return punts against Tennessee–painful and awkward.
Would a coward do this? Bye!!
Nov 7, 2007 2007 Season, Bloggerating, Had to post something, Ranting, Self-Referential Stuff
Ah…the Bye Week. Soooo boring.
I don’t get the bye week, actually. I mean, I know that it stems from days of yore, when we had but 31 teams, thus requiring that someone not play each week. I get that. The part I don’t get is WHY we still have it now that we have 32 teams.
After all, it’s not like the spacing of the byes is fair and consistent; there are no byes in the early weeks, no byes in the late weeks, and a random even number of teams off on the weeks that do have byes. For some, the byes come and go with nothing more than some extra practice for the next opponent. For others, the bye comes at a perfect time and lets a player who would be questionable (or even out) if the game were scheduled this week be back and relatively healthy for the game scheduled next week. Which means you have players playing in games that they would normally miss due to an injury and you have teams who’ve rested for two weeks playing teams that might have just played a smashmouth overtime game last week. Yeah, that’s fair.
I suppose the people who still favor the idea of the bye would say something like “the football season takes it toll on the players and they need a week off.” Ok, fair enough. But answer me this, imaginary smart guy that I just made up to argue with me: is it really that much of a break for the players who get week 3 or 4 off? They’ve played two or three games; surely they are so broken down that they need time to recuperate. So, really, the only people getting the break they need from the rigors of the season are the teams with the late byes. (And, hell, I think we can all agree that the Pats clearly need some time off after 9 games to get healthy and prepare for the stretch run.)
My point is this: If you are going to keep the byes so that every team gets a breather, which is lame in my opinion, then you have to at least make it make sense. Give all of the NFC week 8 off and then give the AFC week 9. That accomplishes your goal. Or, you know, just get rid of it altogether and play 16 straight weeks.
ANYWAY…
I suppose the bye week, especially when it falls this late in the season, is a good time to reflect on your season thus far. Thankfully, InterTex emailed me this morning with this link to a video slideshow he made of the Week 9 game. Even better, he has apparently been doing this all year, and you can find the whole season here. Rock on.
Speaking of reflection, I realized just now that the end of October marked six months of doing this blog thang. Strangely, it feels a LOT longer. But, because I love self-promotion, I thought I’d go back and link to my favorite posts from the first half-year of DGDB&D.
Hines Ward and Rod Smith don’t believe the hype
Biz Markie ain’t buyin’ the “just a friend” line
Andre Davis hits CTRL+ALT+DEL on his football brain (the unveiling of the infamous picture)
An Open Letter to Mr. Randy Galloway
Hype Bowl (this might actually be my favorite post of all time)
With Apologies to Johnny Cash
Considering the 4-3, or Why Richard Smith is irritating me
Thunderdome
