Kickoff - “Matt Will Try To Be More Positive Today” Edition
Oct 14, 2008 Andre Johnson, Hi Steve!, Kickoff, Super Mario
Let’s not start sucking each other dicks just yet. Interesting statistical breakdown of Schaub’s performance on Sunday. Long story short, no one has ever won with that many attempts and such a low completion percentage. On the other hand, thank Christ for Andre Johnson.
I only mention it because sometimes there’s a man—I won’t say a hero, ’cause, what’s a hero? Sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about the Mario here… Once again, Super Mario is up for NFL Defensive Player of the Week. If he doesn’t make the Pro Bowl, the Pro Bowl is dead to me. (Yeah, yeah…it’s already dead to me, but it could be DEADER.)
West By God Virginia! Did you ever think you’d see the day where a Texans running back was listed in an article about the ten most valuable fantasy football players? Me neither. Welcome, Steve. And bless you. (BTW–that article kinda sucks, but it was still nice to see Stevie Wonder on there.)
Finally. You are seriously taking your life into your own hands giving Mario Williams bunny ears in public, holmes.
Kickoff - “Two Days Until Our First Victory (That Should, In All Honesty, Be At Least Our Second And Probably Our Third)” Edition
Oct 10, 2008 2008 Season, Dancing With the 'Tards, H/T Eric, Hi Steve!, Kickoff, Rosie Rosenfels, Teams that aren't the Texans
That’s right, bitchez. I’m calling it. No suspense, no drama—we’re winning this game 31-13 with both Stevie Wonder (yes, I am saying it over and over to purge the idea of Scuba Steve) and Andre Johnson going off.
Sacre bleu! This isn’t really new news, as it was discussed earlier this week, but I find it funny that the underlying theme of this article about the Texans in a French paper is that the team is not going to surrender. McNair has confidence in them and, by extension, in Gary Kubiak. That’s good. I think. (More on Kubiak later today if time permits.)
Boom! Dale Roberson at the paper that shan’t be named has an article on the Dolphins’ WildCat formation, but Eric brings up an interesting question. Namely, if Pennington is lined up at tailback or in the slot, do that make him fair game for a DE or LB to blow him up as he tries to block? I would certainly think so, and I encourage such actions wholeheartedly.
AHNOLD! A photoshopped version of the Rosencopter. I agree with Spencer Hall: everything is improved with Ahnold doing a voice over.
Finally. The Arkansas State Fair starts today and, while you couldn’t pay me enough to go suffer through that “fun,” I heard something on the radio this morning that explains a lot. Apparently, at one food booth, you can get a Pig Licker. This is a deep fried strip of bacon, dipped in chocolate, and sprinkled with salt and candy sprinkles. And, for a beverage to wash down that bit of health food, the person suggested FRIED DR. PEPPER. I have no idea how that even works.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have a heart attack just from writing that description.
Nickname Time
Oct 9, 2008 Hi Steve!
Bigwood25 points out in the comments to this post that we can’t really call Steve Slaton “Super” because that is Mario’s nickname. So we need an official (if only for this blog) nickname for the man who is going to be the greatest RB in Texans history. Suggestions so far include:
Slick Stevie
Sugar Steve
Stevie Wonder
Sweet Stevie
Scuba Steve
I am leaning heavily toward Stevie Wonder. What do y’all think?
The Problem With Richard Smith, Or, Perhaps More Accurately, Referendum On Coaching Incompetence
Sep 30, 2008 2008 Season, Chocodiles, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Hi Steve!, Kevin Bentley, Morlon Greenwood, Ranting, Super Mario
Let me just start by saying that, by and large, I agree with Tim and Chris’s points on the game. There were lots of positives (for the offense) and lots of negative (for the defense and special teams). In fact, this was one of those games that I didn’t really feel the need to write a recap of, since the goods and the bads were so glaringly obvious.
But, still, my job (as it were) here is to talk about the Houston Texans (as well as make inappropriate remarks about the team and people associated with it). So rather than do a traditional recap, let’s hit some big picture points.
First, if I were the GM of this team, Richard Smith would not be receiving paychecks from me. And I don’t just mean going forward, as he should have and would have been fired a long time ago. After all, the problems are manifold and obvious–no cohesive philosophy, no idea how to use his assets, no clue how or when to blitz, no attempt to adjust when another team is going the Tecmo Bowl route and burning you with the same exact play over and over and over and over, and nothing to suggest that his charges are this close to turning the corner and becoming markedly better. We’ve spent numerous first- and second-round draft picks on defense, especially the front seven, yet we remain incapable of getting to the QB before the ball is thrown or creating turnovers or (on many days) even tackling with any regularity. That’s ALL on Richard Smith.
Despite cries for his head after last year, Smith got a free pass to come back for another 16 games because (a) Mario became dominant in 2007 and (b) there were so many injuries that it somehow seemed unfair (to everyone but me, I guess) to fire him when he was shorthanded. Unfortunately, last year’s MASH unit was actually better, at least to the naked eye, than this year’s healthy squad has been. If Smith were any kind of DC, doing better this year than last should have been the easiest assignment of his tenure. Instead, everyone except Mario (yes, even DeMeco) seems to have stagnated or regressed in 2008.
Sunday’s game was a snapshot of the entire Richard Smith experience—players out of position, inexplicable defensive calls in tight situations, defensive backs who looked lost and exposed. Even worse, one got the feeling that absolutely none of those problems was going to go away until Smith himself went away. So, while I have railed against Smith in this space for over a year, I feel like it’s time to turn it up a bit. In that vein, “FIRE RICHARD SMITH” is now the official motto of DGDB&D 2008. I realize that I have no pull and a relatively limited audience, but I figure saying it a lot and trying to get others to spread the message absolutely cannot hurt our cause. Say it loud, say it often, and say it to anyone who will listen.
Moving on…
As bad as Smith’s squad was Sunday, Joe Marciano’s was even worse. And I’m not just talking about their inability to recognize that a team cannot punt when there is no punter lined up behind the center, though that was certainly the most egregious example. But, yeah, it was worse than that. All day long, our returners made horrible decisions and/or did nothing while our coverage teams allowed Jacksonville’s return men to get huge chunks of yardage on seemingly every kick. In fact, thus far in 2008, on Kevin Bentley has really been a consistent contributor on special teams.
Like Richard Smith, Marciano probably should have been gone a while ago. However, because he’s been blessed to have some very, very good return men, as well as the occasional solid cover guy, he’s been able to keep his job. Nevermind that, as a Texans fan, you have reached a point where you just expect the other team to be starting somewhere past their own 25 on every single possession. Hopefully, for my own sanity as well as the future success of your Houston Texans, Sunday’s game was the beginning of the end of the Marciano era. If not, here’s to hoping that Kevin Bentley becomes the next Eugene Seale.
Thirdly, can someone please tell me what the heck is going on between Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson? Because I honestly cannot come up with any sort of answer that makes sense. Some have suggested that maybe Andre’s injury has changed his route running or made him slower, but it seems like the passes to Schaub are behind Andre rather than out in front. Others have suggested that they are just not clicking because they didn’t get to play together very much in the second half of last season, but they had never played together before last season and they started the year firing on all cylinders. Like I said…I don’t get it.
What I DO get, however, is that our offense on Sunday was on fire and looked like the team from early 2007 that was putting up points fast and often. And that’s without Andre being involved even half as much as you would have assumed. If/when he and Matt get back on the same page, the Texans should be able to score against just about anyone. Judging by the success Denver had (prior to the KC game), a high-powered offense combined with a non-tackling defense can still win you more than it loses you, at least until playoff time rolls around. Maybe, for now, we need to approach the game like those old Colts and Rams teams did—we are going to put up 35 or more most weeks and assume that even our sub-par defense can stop you a couple of times. Scoreboard, holmes.
Finally, a couple quick thoughts on some players:
Steve Slaton is your running back for the foreseeable future. That TD pass he caught was the product of a route that no previous Texans RB could have done. In the modern, pass-happy NFL, having a back who can split out wide and blow by a corner is a luxury and it’s one that we now possess. This is very, very happy news.
Morlon Greenwood, what has happened to you? Consider this my official mea culpa: I was wrong on Morlon in 2008 and it’s time to replace him with…
Kevin Bentley. Gotta love what you’ve seen from LVJ so far. He’s playing fantastic on special teams, he’s one of the few guys on the team who has shown a willingness to hit, wrap up, and tackle, and he even looked solid playing in place of DeMeco for a few snaps Sunday. So, I ask ya, is there any reason not to assume that he would be an upgrade over Greenwood or Zac “I’m Way Too Small To Play SLB” Diles? I think not.
Dear Jacques Reeves, TURN AROUND AND FIND THE BALL EVERY NOW AND THEN. Signed, Anyone With Two Ounces Of Common Sense.
Last, but certainly not least, a kudos to the entire offense line (but, especially, Duane Brown) on Sunday. Nicely done, gentlemen. I see that you’ve realized that keeping Matt upright makes you look good and makes the whole team better. Let’s continue that approach against the Colts in what is certain to be an absolutely rocking Reliant Stadium this week.
Kickoff - “Dance If Ya Caught Up In The Holy Ghost Trance” Edition
Sep 19, 2008 2008 Draft, H/T Eric, Hi Steve!, Ike, Kickoff
Not surprising, but… We all knew it was coming, but it is now official. Stevie Slaton will be your starting running back in Nashville this weekend. Even less shocking, Ahman Green is not supposed to play because he has a bruised labia.
It was because they drafted Jesus, you see. Steve Campbell of the Paper That Shall Not Be Named suggests that a Texans win this week and a successful Texans season overall could go a long way toward healing the region in some respects. He also, frighteningly, points out that the Saints were 3-13 in 2005 after Katrina hit (but they also went to the NFC title game in 2006).
McLane to McNair: “You can use our McStadium.” The Astros’ owner has offered up Minute Maid Park as an alternate site for Texans games if Reliant is not ready to rock by October 5. Which is a segue for me to mention how incredibly nice the people in Houston generally are. Hats off to you sonsabitches.
Finally. This is what happens when your mouth writes a check your ass can’t cash.
About Lasterday
Sep 8, 2008 2008 Season, Andre Johnson, Anthony Weaver is a thief, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Curious Coaching, Damn it, DeMeco Ryans, Hi Steve!, Morlon Greenwood, Super Mario
Alt. post title: “Chainsaw Sodomy”
So, I suppose I have to say something about the game. Something more than “well, fuck,” I mean.
At the same time, there’s really not much to say that hasn’t been said. We played like shit, especially in the secondary and on the o-line. We let the back-to-back bad calls on the ball spot demoralize us. Schaub looked indecisive, slow to deliver, and (apparently) blind to the colors black and yellow. (He should see an optometrist about that.)
Before we pour salt into those wounds, however, let us see if I can come up with five positives from the contest:
1. Mario Williams. If last year’s 10 sacks in the last six games didn’t sway you, Mario’s dominance against a team that was holding the entire rest of our defense in check should. Two sacks, a forced fumble, and a team-high six tackles? He’s good.
2. DeMeco Ryans and Andre Johnson. You’ve gotta love two pros who, despite the fact that most of the team isn’t giving ANY effort and despite the score, continue to play their balls off until the end. Johnson was more or less unstoppable. Too bad Schaub never had the time to really exploit this.
3. Steve Slaton. I know that his average wasn’t that great, but dude ran hard, was not afraid of contact or to run between the tackles, and showed no hesitation in making his cut and going. If he’s not the starter soon, I’ll be shocked.
4. It’s only week 1. There’s a good chance that we will not face a more physical team all year than the Pittsburgh Steelers. There’s an equally good chance that our staff (sans Richard Smith) is smart enough to see where we sucked and try to make some adjustments (more on that in a bit). To get that winning record, we just have to go 9-6 now instead of 9-7. Not the end of the world. I think.
5. No injuries. For as bad as the game was, at least we escaped intact. Watching the debacle unfold, I was struck by how, had this game happened last year, at least four players would likely have wound up broken in half. [Update: After I wrote this, I heard from Chris that Ahman Green is injured. Big fucking deal.]
Enough with the Pollyanna bullshit. For every one good thing above, there are at least five bad things that happened. The ones that really stuck out were:
1. The Playcalling. This goes for offense and defense. Now, I suppose the latter is not surprising, as Richard Smith’s play selection was a topic of much anger and despair around here for all of the 2007 season (save, possibly, for two or three games in November). The former, however, did surprise me. If Shannahan can’t call a game better than that, maybe Gary needs to take control of that side of the ball for good. There was none of the explosiveness that we saw in the early part of last season. While some of that is because Schaub was pestered all day long by Harrison and Woodley, that doesn’t explain all of it. There was no attempt to run outside zone at all that I noticed, there were FAR too many short passes on third down, etc., etc., etc.
2. The Secondary. Holy Christ On Rollerskates, they were atrocious. The Fred might want to double-check and see if the equipment guy packed his jockstrap because Fred got shaken out of it early in the day. Reeves was bad, but actually not quite as bad as he’d been in the preseason (though it would have been nice if he had the hands to snag that fumble before it went out of bounds). But the safeties…if they were any worse, we’d have been better off playing with 9 defensive players. Demps looked slow and C.C. looked soft. I am with SOLIS here–we should move Demps to SS (he’s better moving forward and playing the run anyway) and let Eugene Wilson try his hand at FS. No other move really makes sense (until Dunta comes back, that is.)
3. All LBs whose names do not rhyme with ReMeco Dyans. Morlon Greenwood…dude…do you have any idea how big of an asshole you are making me look like? How could you have seemingly aged five years since January? Why are you ALWAYS out of position? Does it bother you that teams are throwing and running right at you now? C’mon, dude. And Zac, you weren’t necessarily awful, but you sure didn’t do anything to make me say “well, at least HE came to play today.”
4. The Offensive Line. Wow. Kung Fu Panda was brutal, but I am almost willing to give him a pass, as asking a rookie to hold James Harrison in check all day in his first start is a suicide mission from the outset. Eric Winston, I am not as willing to let you slide—you just got fat dollars from the team, yet you looked like you were trying to be a matador out there. Don’t gimme this “ole!” bullshit. Chris Myers, you might not want to let yourself get thrown into the running back. That could be a sign that you just got owned.
5. Matt Schaub. Yes, I know, he had little time to throw. When he did have time, however, he looked scared, he looked like a certain other Texans QB who had no mental clock for when to get rid of the ball, and he looked right past the Steelers defenders who might stand between him and his intended target. And what the fuck was that red zone throw that hit the goddamned crossbar?!? Who was supposed to catch that, Matthew?! Also, I know you love Andre Johnson. We all do. But you might want to look around a little bit from time to time so you don’t miss Vonta Leach so wideopen that he could have moonwalked into the fucking endzone.
There are plenty more, including 3/4ths of the defensive line, but you get the gist by the now.
*deep breath*
OK…all that said, I am not yet ready to panic. All of the bad spots can be fixed (or, in the case of the secondary, at least patched up and made to look decent) and we still have Baltimore coming up next week. They are like Pittsburgh (3-4 defense, surprisingly mobile QB) without all the good stuff (defensive speed, talent at WR). On top of that, the Jags were bad in every area I suggested they’d be bad this year and the Colts looked pretty exposed when faced with a team that was willing to throw under the Tampa-2 all day. Besides, the BE-SFs are without their intangibly great QB for 4-6 weeks (don’t buy into that 2-4 week bullshit) and will either suck while he’s gone or face the mother of all QB controversies. Life could be much, much worse.
I think.
Oh, as a final note, there is a difference between being a fan, being an internet troll, and just being an obtuse douchebag. Suffice it to say Beans Carter falls squarely into this last category. Apparently the Titans are the class of the AFC and the Texans are the worst team in football. Or something along those lines. It’s always so hard to decipher stupidity.
Texans by the numbers
Aug 21, 2008 2008 Season, Andre Johnson, Awesomeness, David Anderson's Dance Party, Hi Steve!, K-Dub, RB free-for-all, Stats
Just in case you were wondering, here are some preseason statistics for your Houston Texans. Grains of salt optional, but recommended.
QB
Matt Schaub: 18-21 (85.7%), 10.3 YPC, 2 TD, 0 INT, 0 Sack, 141.3 rating
S. Rosenfels: 16-23 (69.6%), 10.0 YPC, 1 TD, 0 INT, 1 Sack, 116.4 rating
Analysis: Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Schaub is your QB now and for the foreseeable future. Even without context, he has been better than Sage. Then, once you factor in that Matt’s passes have come against mainly first-stringers and Sage’s have come against mainly second-stringers, the distinction becomes even more clear. Schaub absolutely put on a clinic against New Orleans. Here’s hoping he keeps it going against Dallas.
RB
Steve Slaton: 24 carries, 94 yards (3.9/carry), 1 TD, 0 fumbles
Chris Taylor: 22 carries, 53 yards (2.4/carry), 1 TD, 0 fumbles
Darius Walker: 8 carries, 29 yards (3.6/carry), 0 TD, 0 fumbles
Chris Brown: 8 carries, 19 yards (2.4/carry), 0 TD, 0 fumbles
Ahman Green: 0 anything because he’s a big ol’ mangina.
Analysis: I included the fumbles just because that was one of two knocks against Slaton. The other was that he was too small, though, as people have noted, he seems to have added around 15 lbs of muscle to his frame since the Combine. And, if you watched the second half of the Saints game, Slaton was the MAN. His TD run involved slipping one tackle, then lowering his shoulder and driving for an additional two yards. I’d like to see him named starter from the jump, but regardless, if he’s not starting by week 3, I’ll be shocked. Also, Ahman Green and Chris Brown…ewww.
WR
D. Anderson: 9 catches, 128 yards (14.2 YPC), 1 TD
Kevin Walter: 7 catches, 105 yards (15.0 YPC), 1 TD
Andre’ Davis: 4 catches, 46 yards (11.5 YPC), 0 TD
Jacoby Jones: 2 catches, 61 yards (30.5 YPC), 0 TD
Analysis: Looking at that list, two things jump out at me: (1) Matt Schaub’s numbers are even better when you realize he hasn’t been able to throw to Andre Johnson a single time this preseason, and (2) our passing attack has the potential to be ridiculously good this year. When you add in AJ, you have four receivers (plus Jacoby) who all bring a little something different to the mix and who create all sorts of matchup problems for opposing coverages. The real question is whether we run four wide more often than last year (when I believe we were 30th or 31st in the league in number of plays) and if we are more efficient in the shotgun spread formations (where we were not very good at all last season). If Slaton gives us merely as much as Ron Dayne gave us last year—which I don’t think is asking a lot—I think the answer to both of those questions is yes.
Kickoff
Aug 18, 2008 2008 Training Camp, Fatty Starbucks, Hi Steve!, Kickoff, Preseason 2008
Come along and ride… Fantasy Football is here. By my last count, the people on board were: Me, Lee, grungedave, socctty, DisplaceTexan, Dan B., DeMecoShall…, Jordan, and abumnamedPaul. That’s 9. Both bigwood25 and bfd have thrown their names in as “if you need me” players. Max number of teams in this is 12 and the draft is tentatively set for this Saturday afternoon. Send me an email and I’ll send you the appropriate info. Feel free to bitch about the settings in the comments.
Gary Kubiak is making the NFL preseason his bitch. So says Keith Weiland. I have no reason to disagree, either. Very solid write-up. And “Kung Fu Panda” as a nickname for Duane Brown is gold.
Super Steve. According to Kubes, “The Rookie We All Not-So-Secretly Hope Will Be Our Starter” is going to, well, be our starter this week. Or, more accurately, going to “get reps with the first group.” Nice. (this link and the one before it courtesy of Eric)
Finally. I hate Peter King. You hate Peter King. But this Peter King quote is too good to skip: “You can’t tell me the Titans are looking at Vince Young’s game against Oakland — he completed one of his last 10 throws — without getting a little nervous.” Could it be? Really? The national media is starting to turn on Radio?!?
