Kickoff
Aug 22, 2008 Dancing With the 'Tards, David Anderson's Dance Party, Fuck the Cowboys, History, Kickoff
The White Ernest Givins? Nice Yahoo! write-up on David Anderson. Haircut notwithstanding, as a fellow short white guy, I am pulling for DA to make the team. And, really, if we are being honest, don’t you have to put him above Jacoby on the depth chart right now? (H/T Eric)
BONUS DAVID ANDERSON INFO: Ran a 4.53 at the Combine, but was disappointed with it as he routinely ran in the high 4.4s in the weeks leading up to Indy. Scored a 43 on the Wonderlic as a junior. One of only two WRs at the 2006 Combine to not drop a pass.
Captain, the Dipshit-o-meter is pegged! Ridiculously flawed betting advice regarding tonight’s Texans-Cowboys tilt. In all the Wade Phillip cocksuckery going on, the author ignores the simple fact that Wade’s one Preseason Game 3 loss was LAST YEAR TO THE TEXANS. (Also, if any Cowboys fans are reading this, spare me your excuses. Your team gameplanned and tried to blitz and still got beat like a rented midget.)
Sadly…this is probably true. According to the Dallas Morning News Cowboys blog (as opposed to the inexplicable Houston Chronicle Cowboys blog), Jacques Reeves would have a hard time making the Cowboys’ 2008 roster. I am suddenly having flashes of Romo targeting him like we targeted Jason David last week. Someone hold me.
Finally. A present for bfd:
Kickoff
Jun 17, 2008 2008 Season, Awfulness, Colvin, History, I really dig my readers, Inflamed body parts, Kickoff, Preseason 2008
Why did your mom misspell “Roosevelt?”. The newest Houston Texan will be answering questions sometime today in a video interview on HT.com. You can email questions for the interview by following that link. (h/t Eric)
Variations on a theme. Colvin’s video interview on NFL.com. Worth watching if only for the two hits he puts on Manning. Besides, if his athleticism doesn’t excite you (*cough*Solis*cough*), you have no soul. (h/t Eric…again)
Let’s go camping! Tim mentioned this already, but the team has announced the dates of open practices during training camp and, like always, you can get your tickets at local Wachovia banks beginning July 9. Barring something totally unforeseen (like, say, winning the lottery or killing a rich relative), I shan’t be attending this year. Of course, I didn’t technically attend last year, either. Stop laughing, jerks.
Travis Johnson explains St. Patrick’s Day
Mar 17, 2008 Beer, Corky Johnson, History, Holiday posts, Inanity, Travis Johnson explains things, We Scottish care not for your little holiday
Hello, peoples. Travis Johnson here. As the team’s resident expert on St. Patrick’s Day, I wanted to share some of my learnin’ with y’all. I live to edumacate the masses.
First, you are probably wondering why I am the team’s expert, seeing as how I don’t exactly look Irish. That shit is RACIST, dawg. My great-great grandfather, Seamus McJohnson, came over on, like, a boat and shit. What, you didn’t know that there were black Irishmen? And y’all think I am dumb. Sheeeeeiiiiiiit.
Anyway, the point is I know a lot about St. Patrick’s Day and I am going to spit some of that knowledge your way.
Now, St. Patrick was this dude who lived in Ireland, like, WAY back. Like before Christopher Columbo even found Texas. His real name was Maewyn, which is really gay, so he just started going by Patrick. When he was, like, 16, he was kidnapped by some other Irish dudes and sold into slavery. I think he had to pick potatoes and shit. He escaped from the kidnappers and ran away to France, which was called “Gaul” back then because French people is stupid.
While he was in France, Patrick studied Christianity from…um…Jesus and he was all like “Yo, dude, this Bible shit is tight. I’m gonna go back to Ireland and tell my whole posse about it. Thanks French Jesus!”
Patrick drove back to Ireland and started telling all his boys about Christianity. He was straight spittin’ the Word to anyone who would listen. This made a rival gang, the Celtic Druids, mad. They snatched him up a bunch of times, but Patrick kept escapin’ like the motherfuckin’ birdman. Caw, bitches.
Peoples axe me all the time, “Travis, why do we have some of the St. Patrick’s traditions like parades and corned beef and shamrocks and shit?” Simple, my friends…those are all things that Patrick liked. Parades? Patrick used to round up his posse and C-walk through the streets, talking about “Jesus saves, bitch! Northside Jesus, what?!” This pissed the Celtic Druids off like whoa, but Patrick did that shit anyway. Corned beef? Well, a lot of those hoes back in old ass Ireland had the syphillis, but they called it “blarney dick,” and it made your thang look like corned beef. Nowadays, we just eat the corned beef because that shit tastes good as long as you don’t think about dicks. And shamrocks? We all know Patrick liked to fire up a little of that sticky green–who doesn’t?!–and it don’t get stickier or greener than some hydroponic Irish shamrocks. Oooooweeee! That shit is the fire, yo! I ain’t even playin’ with ya…I mean, uh, that’s what I’ve heard. Travis don’t smoke the green no mo’.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, so Patrick did this preachin’ and convertifyin’ in Ireland for, like, 30 years and then he retired. He died on March 17, so that’s why this date was made into a holiday. And that’s the story of St. Patrick’s Day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my “Suck Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt and go suckerpunch some old ladies.
A Timeline Of Petey Faggins’ Suckiosity
Feb 8, 2008 2002 Draft, 2007 Season, Bloggerating, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Had to post something, History, Inanity, Self-Referential Stuff
June 13, 1979–On my first birthday, Petey Faggins is born. In what will become a lifelong theme, Faggins consistently misses the nipple as he tries to breast feed. He quickly learns that his only hope is to grab it with both hands and hope he can get his face there before it breaks free.
May 3, 1983–Three-year-old Petey’s pet turtle Rodrigo escapes. Petey attempts to tackle the turtle before it can get away, but misses completely. He lays on the ground crying as the turtle bolts for safety. His grandmother boos him for the first time.
November 25, 1990–Petey wins the role of Miles Standish in his fifth-grade Thanksgiving play. Despite an outstanding performance by little Stevie Johnson as Squanto, the play falls flat because Petey flubs all his lines and even falls off the stage at one point. The Pilgrims are booed mercilessly.
December 25, 1993–14-year-old Petey receives an autographed Deion Sanders football for Christmas. He holds it up and proclaims that he is going to be in the NFL as a defensive back one day, too. He then drops the football, breaking his grandma’s favorite ornament, prompting the old lady to punch him in the mouth. He cries.
January 15, 1997–Petey Faggins signs his letter of intent to play for Navarro Junior College. When asked why he didn’t sign with an NCAA school, Faggins offers only that they “didn’t know what they were missing.” People assume he is joking, so they laugh. Faggins dies a little inside.
July 29, 1999–Faggins transfers to Kansas State after two years at Navarro, where he quickly endears himself to the QBs he is facing in practice. “He’s a nice guy–never shows you up at all” says one QB.
April 21, 2002–On the strength of a good senior year, Faggins is drafted in the Sixth Round by the Houston Texans. Charlie Casserly goes to shake his hand, but Petey bites on what he thinks is a fake and nearly trips up the stairs. Dom Capers throws up a little.
October 13, 2002–Makes NFL debut, playing special teams against Buffalo. Was heard remarking “aw, crap” as Buffalo’s returners ran past him time and time again. Rumored to have considered making tackle, if only the other players would stop moving.
August 31, 2003–Released by the Texans, then signed the following day to the practice squad. Finds the level of competition on the practice squad to be similar to the NFL, thus he still sucks.
November 9, 2003–Resigned to active roster and makes season debut against the Cincinnati Bengals. Does not notch a tackle and receives several phone calls from childhood friends after the game reminding him that he sucks. He cries himself to sleep that evening.
September 2, 2004–Realizes that he will be on the active roster for the whole season, barring injury. Wants to go out with friends to celebrate this revelation, but all of them have other things to do. Faggins is empty inside.
2005 season–Starts 10 games. Every now and then, he does something positive and people begin to wonder if he is starting to suck less.
2006 season–Fighting an injury for much of the year, the time he does get on the field is spent dissuading the notion from last season. At one point, he nearly gets in a slap-fight with David Carr when Carr suggests that even he could light up Faggins. The fight is avoided, however, when in a shocking turn of events three or four other teammates chime in in agreement with Carr.
May 2, 2007–Da Good, Da Bad, and DeMeco is founded. The first post features this nugget: “Second, Demarcus Faggins and Dexter McCleon and Von Hutchins combine for a Suckfactor* score of roughly 9–a number that Jamar Fletcher is unlikely to bring down.” The blog will spend the entire summer railing about how awful Faggins is, but the pleas will fall upon deaf ears.
September 30, 2007–Faggins’ play against the Atlanta Falcons prompts this entry: “After last week, the pro-Petey stance was that he had matched up with great receivers and, thus, had no chance. Well, he’s in the process of getting meat-shanked by Harrington and some no-name wideouts, and he has two PIs and two holds. In short, he’s playing like someone who sucks. Because he is someone who sucks. So, new rule at DGDB&D (which, I believe, is our first and only rule): Excuses and/or praise for Faggins are verboten. Seriously.”
November 13, 2007–The injury to Dunta Robinson does not get Petey back into the starting lineup, much to my happiness. Of course, I also lose my mind and go off on the following rant:
Which actully dovetails into the bigger point I wanted to make. Namely, that my dumb ass has been screaming since the inception of this blog about how bad Faggins is (pre-blog, actually, but I have no visual proof of that), yet it took the Texans’ cognoscenti OTAs, training camp, and multiple shitty games–including games where you could pin the majority of the blame for the loss on him–before they could see what we already knew.
How is this possible? How is it that people who, given the chance, would explain to us how they understand football in ways we never will could themselves be so clueless about something so obvious? I understand the desire for them to give him the benefit of the doubt. I even understand not selling him out to the media after the Panthers game. But I do not, cannot, and will not pretend to understand how they could keep rolling out one of the worst starters in the NFL week after week.
And that is exactly what they are admitting with a move like this one with Hutchins. They are saying that Petey is so bad as a starting corner that even a season-ending injury is not enough to move him up the depth chart; that they would rather un-convert a CB-cum-safety than let Petey stink up the joint as a starter. To which I can only say, “duh” and “thank god,” respectively.
I guess what I am looking for is some sort of mea culpa from the front office or even from Kubiak himself. I just want a little “ok, my bad…Faggins is just not capable of doing this and we are sorry we pretended otherwise, but, look, we’re doing something to fix it.” I know I will never get this, though, so I suppose this Hutchins thing will just have to do.
If Faggins is on the opening day roster in 2008, though, I reserve the right to have someone killed.
December 31, 2007–To ring in the New Year, Faggins wants to go to a party in his neighborhood. He changes his mind, however, when he sees that the invitation tells him to bring a “covered dish” and he has no idea what “covered” means. Instead, he sits at home by himself, watching the ball drop on television. This vision calms him for some reason.
February 8, 2008–After another full season of sucking, Faggins causes a blogger to snap and write a barely-funny timeline in lieu of a post about how Faggins is the Good Charlotte of the NFL.
Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf would be proud
Jul 17, 2007 History, Huh?, National Media, Spin City, Teams that aren't the Texans
Like a toddler to an open electrical outlet, Matt Mosley is once again drawn mindlessly to a Chron.com article ripping the Texans (or, more accurately this time, Texans fans). While the article Matt links to is crap at best, that is not what concerns me. [Author's Note: See BRB for a breakdown of that article.]
What does irk me is Matt’s snarky comment.
How much longer can the Texans use the “expansion” thing as an excuse?
Gee, Matt… I don’t know. You want to see something cool, though?
0-11-1
4-9-1
5-8-1
4-10-0
5-8-1
Know what that is? That’s your beloved Cowboys first five years in the NFL. If my math is correct1, that’s 18-46-4. If we throw out the ties, that’s a winning percentage of 28% (and, if we include the ties, we can accurately say that Dallas won 18 of their first 68 games). Eww.
Fast forward a few decades, and the Texans currently stand at 24-56-0. That’s a winning percentage of 30%. Again, if we trust my math, 30% is better than 28%.
I know the rebuttal–the Texans were given high draft picks and the Cowboys just had to assemble a team from cast-offs and spare parts. That overlooks that the majority of our original roster was assembled of cast-offs and spare parts. It also glosses over how much easier it was to build a team before free agency, hard salary caps, revenue sharing and whatnot if a team had a proactive owner with deep pockets. Did we get the first overall pick that first season? Sure. And we botched it (in retrospect) and we STILL have a better record after five seasons than Dallas did.
By now, I don’t expect Matt Mosley to suddenly start supporting the Texans. I would, however, appreciate it if he would just shut the hell up and not even mention them. Well, that, or try not to look like an ass when he does talk about them. Either way.
1 I mistakenly wrote 18 of 60 in the Hashmarks comments. Guess I was giving them the benefit of the doubt.
