The Titanic was “stopped safely” when divers found it.
Mar 19, 2008 Awesomeness, Beer, HPD, Houston Chronicle, Jacoby Jones' beer bong
Question: If I am driving around at 3AM with a BAC of .13 and, upon stopping at a red light, I lose consciousness with the car still in gear, would you say I have merely “fallen asleep” or would I be “blacked out like a motherfucker”?
Because I am thinking it would be the latter, but this Chron article suggests it is the former. Even better, there are assertions that the whole thing was done with the utmost care. No, seriously.
Richards said Jones was cooperative and seemed remorseful. He was taken into custody and charged with driving while intoxicated. The bail, set at $500, was paid later Sunday morning.
[Jones' attorney, Chip] Lewis said Jones was stopped safely and was wearing his seat belt when officers found him (emphasis added).
Really, Chip? Stopped “safely?”
Time to make it rain in Houston?
Feb 28, 2008 HPD, Pacman Jones' gunrack, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Secondary issues are primary
As I write this, I have Elmore James singing “The Sky is Crying” in the back of my head, and I think I know why.
As reported in Nashville’s City Paper (ironically, an old client of mine from many years ago), Pacman Jones “has been given permission by the Tennessee Titans to pursue a trade.”
Now, let’s see here. Texans have a huge need for help at CB? Check. Houston has serious zoning issues? Check. The Crystal Pistol? Check. Houston has the highest strip joints/capita in the nation? Check and check.*
Can you say match made in heaven?
Seriously, though, and tip your waitress, I have no problem giving up a 5th round pick or so and taking a chance on Pacman. Fact is, he’s still only 25, and I really don’t have a problem with taking chances on people who have made mistakes in the past, especially when considering he’ll be relatively cheap to acquire. The Texans’ locker room seems to have strong character people, and something might click for Pacman. I mean, who among us wasn’t arrested six times in their 20s? Sheesh.
Sometimes, the gamble pays off, and this one could be huge. Just say yes to Pacman. What do y’all think?
Anyway, how can I possibly thank the person who brought the phrase “make it rain” into my every day vocabulary enough? You simply can’t pay back that kind of reward.
* Yeah, I made that shit up, though I wouldn’t doubt it.
Press Conference
Nov 13, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Fred Weary is dirty, Fuck the Cowboys, HPD
HPD Chief Harold Hurtt: Thank you all for coming. As I’m sure you all have heard, Fred Weary has filed a suit against the City of Houston as well as the two officers who arrested him last year. Because the liberal media is sure to give Fred all the air time he desires to discuss he baseless accusations, I called this press conference to allow officers Margaret T. McGivern and Joe F. Vasquez an opportunity to present the real story. We will begin by opening the floor to questions.
Reporter 1: Officer Vasquez, you stated that Mr. Weary was driving “suspiciously.” Could you elaborate on that?
Vasquez: Well, Miss, he appeared to be Driving While Black, which, as you know, is a not-infrequent crime here in Houston. Also, he did not have a front plate on his vehicle, which I suspected to be some sort of sign to potential drug buyers that Mr. Weary was dealing crack.
Reporter 2: But was there even a need for the tasering? Mr. Weary alleges that it was unnecessary and unprovoked.
McGivern: With all due respect, ma’am, I think you lack a frame of reference here. Mr. Weary is roughly seven feet tall and close to 400 pounds. He is also black. VERY black. Standard operating procedure dictates that such a perp–that’s a technical term–should be tasered on sight.
Reporter 3: Officer Vasquez, I would like to play a portion of the audio from the dash-mounted camera on your patrol car and get your response to it.
Fred Weary: Did I do something wrong, officer?
Vasquez: GET OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING CAR!
Weary: Excuse me?
McGivern: YOU HEARD HIM, SHITFUCKER. GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT NOW!! I WILL FUCKING SHOOT YOU!!!
Vasquez: SHE WILL! OH MY GOD, SHE WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FUCKING NECK, YOU CRACKDEALER!
Weary: Chill, dude. Chill. *sounds of car door opening*
Vasquez: GET ON THE GROUND! GET ON THE GROUND NOW! YOU ARE A LARGE, BLACK MAN, SO GET ON THE DAMNED GROUND NOW!
Weary: Wha?
McGivern: LOOK OUT, I THINK HE HAS AN AK-47 IN HIS FRONT POCKET!!
Vasquez: HOLY SHIT, HE JUST MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ME. TAZE HIM! TAZE HIM!!!! *sounds of taser firing*
Weary: OW! FUCK FUCK FUCK OW!
Reporter 3: Now, upon hearing that, can you see how one might assume you overreacted?
Vasquez: Not at all. I think it is pretty clear that we were responding to both the possibility that the black man had a weapon, which most of them do, as well as the intimidating posture he was taking with me.
Reporter 2: You mean “eye contact?”
McGivern: Precisely. Also, because he was in the vicinity of the Galleria, we were afraid that some affluent white people could potentially be caught in the cross-fire if he began shooting with the weapon that we assumed he could possibly have had. It is our responsibility as peace officers to prevent such collateral damage from happening whenever possible.
Reporter 4: Chief Hurtt, does all of this sound reasonable to you? Because to the layperson, it sounds an awful lot like Mr. Weary was stopped, tasered, and arrested because he was black.
Hurtt: I am not going to dignify such a patently offensive accusation with a response. Next question.
Reporter 3: Going back to the audio excerpt for a moment, one of you stated that he possibly had “an AK-47 in his front pocket.” Is that even possible?
Vasquez: Of course it’s possible. He is very tall. Also, he’s black.
Reporter 4: So, in the end, what do you think will happen with this case?
McGivern: This is Texas. So, I assume he’ll get the chair. Though it would be a lot more certain if he were retarded.
Reporter 2: How will he get the chair for suing you?
Vasquez: We will just have to leave that up to the Texas justice system. Thank you all for coming. And GO COWBOYS!!!
