DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Because you can never have enough Matt in your life.  I was lucky enough to be the guest on Houston Diehards’ inaugural podcast.  Listen as I speak way too quickly—complete with nasal-y twang!—while trying to pretend like I have a clue what I am talking about. (Seriously, though, Chris did a bang-up job of leading the discussion and I could see HD’s podcasts becoming a must-listen as the season progresses.)

Wait…what? Look, mister, there’s two kinds of dumb—a guy that gets naked and runs out in the snow and barks at the moon, and a guy who does the same thing in my living room. First one don’t matter, the second one you’re kinda forced to deal with. If yesterday’s KSK comment was the latter, this article is a good example of the former.  Still, it warrants posting because, well, I’ll be damned if I can follow the logic in it.  Apparently, the Texans are an incomplete team, but the Raiders aren’t.

More Peter King stupidity.  Apparently, Peter King thinks the Texans would be interested in Chris Simms. “The reason I pointed out Houston in MMQB is the Texans have a need for a third guy behind Matt Schaub and Sage Rosenfels, plus the new offensive coordinator, Kyle Shanahan, is Simms’ buddy from their days at the University of Texas.”  We have a “need for a third guy,” Peter?  Really?  And Chris Simms would fill that need because…um…Kyle knows him?  Do me a favor…just don’t ever mention my favorite team again, ok?  Because every time you do, you say something ridiculous.

Finally. This has NOTHING to do with football or the Texans, but it is funny enough to be worth posting.  (h/t Rendhel)

Update: How much interest is there in a DGDB&D fantasy football league?  I know the BRBers are doing a pretty elaborate one, so I was thinking something smaller (12 team max) with QB, WR, WR, WR, RB, RB, TE, K, DEF, D as the positions.

So, I was killing time just a few minutes ago and I started looking at random Texans’ stats.  Get this:

When the Texans rushed to the left last year, which they did 91 times, they averaged 3.7/carry.

When the Texans rushed up the middle, which they did 114 times, they averaged 3.7/carry.

But, when the Texans rushed to the right, which they did only 42 times, they averaged 5.1/carry.

OK…sure…you generally expect that a team will do a little better running to the strong side.  That makes sense, right?  But here’s where it gets weird.  The left-run average? 25th in the league.  The middle-run avearge? 4th in the league.  The right-run average? 11th in the league.

What does all this mean?  I dunno.  Nada, I suppose.  It just struck me as note-worthy that our much-maligned running game was actually well above average on 156 of our 247 carries. (Here is where one of the 50 engineers who reads this blog should chime in with some better analysis.  Lawyers don’t do math.  Well, other than grungedave, but he’s odd.)

Last year, I wrote the following:

Ignoring for a second that celebrating the Fourth of July as “America’s birthday” is akin to celebrating the day you were conceived instead of the day your mom actually crapped you out, I would just like to wish everyone a happy holiday.

Now go out, get drunk, and see what you can blow up. It’s the American way.

Finally, this entire post was an excuse to post this video, which will either be the funniest or the most retarded thing you’ll see this month.

All of that still seems appropriate, so here’s the video again.  And thanks to Will for reminding me about it in time to post it for the holiday.

I suppose it’s better than learning from David Carr. In general, you probably shouldn’t try to teach things you don’t understand yourself.  In that vein, I put Vince Young’s teaching of “proper QB technique” right up there with me teaching social grace and tact and BFD teaching about sex after 35. (H/T Eric)

Wow.  Speaking of Zoolander, I lack the words to adequately describe the shirt/hat combo he’s wearing in this picture.  I think I’ll go with “unfortunate, ridiculous, and gay as shit,” but I know that doesn’t quite get there.

Oh, fuck this. Finally, let’s just stick keep kicking Zoolander while he’s down because it’s Friday and this shit is fun.  Is that a velour hat?  And, um, that t-shirt is only funny if you get the pun, which would also make it sort of…well…inappropriate in this given situation.  Good lord, every single day I am more glad that Sandy is gone.

Remember back when I remarked on reports that Captain Overrated once thought about quitting football?

Well, according to VY, I am full of shit. Or, perhaps more accurately, the NFL.com report that I quote was full of shit. You see, he never thought about quitting, per se.

“I was never going to quit football,” Young said Thursday[.] “Football, that is my pride and joy, it is my dream. I am playing my dream. And I don’t plan on giving that up any time soon.”

A recent nfl.com report suggesting he considered retirement after one season was “blown out of proportion,” Young said. Heading toward his third pro season, he said he’s in a “much different place” mentally than he was at this time last year.

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I ain’t never said I was going to quit football,” Young said. “There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, but football is not hard to me. Football is easy. All you have to do is be coachable and use your God-given talent. If it was a thought at all it was just a passing thought for a second.”

Um…riiiiight. Why in the world would this QUOTE make us think you were talking about quitting football:

“I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.

So you “thought long and hard about it” but only “for a second?” I would point out the inconsistency, but given your history with things that involve thinking, I think you might actually be telling the truth right there.

Long story short, I don’t particularly care whether Vince thought about quitting or not. I find it hilarious, however, that he’s coming off as such a whiny headcase. I also love that “football is not hard to [him; f]ootball is easy.” Though, really, I suppose that it is fairly easy to be one of the worst players statistically at your position. Hell, if that’s the benchmark, then football is easy for Petey Faggins, too. And it was hellafied gangsta easy for Todd Marinovich.

(h/t to Old Eric for the link)

I love to quote myself as an authority in later conversations. It really disorients the listener and, if you are engaged in a debate of some sort, bolsters your own cred and you current argument at the same time. It works in pretty much any discussion.

“Man, Pacino is a much better actor than DeNiro.” “Actually, as I noted just two weeks ago, DeNiro’s range makes him a much better actor than Pacino.”

“I love creamy peanut butter.” “Interesting, but are you aware that I stated over a year ago that crunchy peanut butter is the bee’s knees?”

“You suck.” “Have you considered my findings of 4/12/06 that you are a shiteating cockrag?”

Anyway, with that in mind, I won’t be grading this year’s draft in any sort of conventional sense. Because, as I said in this blog’s inaugural post,

Speaking of “grading” the drafts, let me just say that I find the whole process asinine. The two most important things in a draft should be (a) filling needs and (b) taking the best available player to fill those needs (with an eye on not drafting a player too early). Unfortunately, most people seem to grade the draft by guessing what the drafted players will do in the NFL. Teams that get the Can’t Miss players automatically “score” higher. But, for every Reggie Bush, there are multiple Can’t Miss guys like Robert Gallery, Charles Rogers, and Joey Harrington. Even more to the point, there are plenty of guys in this and every draft taken after the first round or two who will become stars. So, when Kiper says that the Raiders did well because they got a “franchise QB” in JaMarcus Russell, he’s talking out of his ass. Which probably also has fantastically groomed hair.

I stand by that; grading a draft is stupid because it assumes you know what players are going to do. Or you are simply giving the best grades to the teams who got more of the players you rated highly beforehand, which is also stupid. So, aside from my esteemed co-blogger, who I would totally make out with if we weren’t both straight guys, anyone who grades a draft can go die in a fire.

What I will do, however, is offer a completely biased, utterly unscientific ranking of the players into categories of my own choosing. This is not a draft grade, it’s an arms race, ho. Or something like that.

Player Whose Selection I Absolutely Love:

Xavier Adibi–Well before people started declaring for the draft, Adibi was on my shortlist of LBs possibly coming out (along with Laurinitis and Beckwith). I even watched four VaTech games solely to keep an eye on him. So, yeah, you could say I am thrilled about this pick. He has insane lateral speed, a great nose for the ball, and I don’t think I ever saw him give up on a play. Plus, he knocks the shit out of people, seemingly just for fun sometimes. I dare say that, if he becomes the player I think he will, a trio of Adibi, Greenwood, and DeJesus gives us one of the best LB units in the league. At worst, his selection will push Zach Diles to become a better OLB, so it’s kind of win-win. In fact, the only person this selection is probably bad news for is Kevin Bentley–I don’t see us breaking camp with six linebackers and my guess is that we’ll take Adibi, DeMeco, Greenwood, Diles, and Thompson. (This is subject to change if BFD’s “Thompson as DE” theory pans out.)

Players Whose Selections Make Me Excited In A Non-Sexual Way:

Frank Okam–While I think BFD might be throwing out the ultimate absolute best-case scenario when he likens Okam to Shaun Rogers, I am a big fan of Frank. Given that I basically screamed for a NT non-stop over the last three months, getting a really bright guy who is 6′4″/350 and runs a 5.32 is like a dream come true. I am not buying the “move him to guard” talk for a second, as Okam is immediately the best NT prospect we have. Yes, that includes you, Trav, you underwhelming fuckhole. Anyway, getting Okam in Day 2 more than makes up for not getting Balmer with our first rounder in my book. Plus, I honestly think that his presence makes Amobi and Mario better this year, which should frighten the sweet tap-dancing Christ out of opposing QBs.

Steve Slaton–The thing that really excites me about Slaton is that I think we got a great bargain where we picked him. If you harken back to, say, August 2007, Slaton and Brian Brohm were talked about as early Heisman favorites. Now, neither had the season to back that up, but–in Slaton’s case, at least–I don’t think that’s entirely his fault. That WVU team had so many weapons in the backfield that I feel safe in assuming Steve merely got lost in the shuffle. Once Pat White started dominating with his legs in the spread, Slaton’s role was diminished and it was further hurt by the impact of Noel Devine and Owen Schmitt. *takes another sip of the Kool-Aid* Regardless of whether I am indulging in wishful thinking, one thing is for sure: Slaton is the potential homerun threat that we haven’t had since…um…ever.

Players Whose Selections Do Not Make Me Want To Kill Someone:

Antwaun Molden–We needed a CB according to many people and, other than DR-C (side note: Fuck you to death, Arizona), I wasn’t really wanting to take one with our first-round pick after overpaying Frenchy Reeves. So getting Molden answered both of my wishes with respect to this position. As others have more descriptively detailed, Molden is a physical corner and is a workout warrior. Reminds me of a certain Gamecock we drafted last year.

Dominique Barber– The only reason I don’t dislike this pick is because I am all for some good, old fashioned competition in the safety corps during this year’s camp. I’ve never been much of a fan of C.C. Brown or Glenn Earl, so bringing in more bodies to up the level that people will have to perform is all right by this guy.

Player Whose Selection Will Only Be Acceptable If Accompanied By A Pro Bowl Selection:

Duane Brown–Look, I’ve read all the explanations for taking him. For the record, I like this one from Chris the best. But here’s my problem with this pick: the beauty of the ZBS is that in all the years Gibbs has been doing it, he’d only taken an offensive lineman once in the first round.

Another consistent thing about Gibbs’ teams–more often than not, they don’t take offensive linemen early in the draft. In 1984, the first o-lineman they took was in Round 8 (Winford Hood). In 1985, Round 5 (Billy Hinson). In 1986, Round 4 (Jim Juriga–this one is misleading, though, because the fourth round was the first pick Denver had). In 1987, Round 8 (Dan Morgan). In 1995, Round 4 (Jamie Brown). In 1996, Round 7 (Leslie Ratliff). In 1997, Round 3 (Dan Neil). In 1998, Round 7 (Trey Teague). In 1999, Round 2 (Lennie Friedman). In 2000, Round 4 (Cooper Carlisle). In 2001, Round 4 (Ben Hamilton). In 2002, they didn’t draft one. Finally, in 2003, Round 1 (George Foster).

When he went to Atlanta, the trend continued. 2004–didn’t draft one. 2005–Round 5 (Frank Omiyale). 2006–Round 5 (Quinn Ojinnaka).

Look at those names for a second.  Presumably, these are all guys that Gibbs was “really high on,” yet only one of them warranted a first-round selection.  By taking Brown in the first round, Gibbs must be saying that Brown is such a perfect fit for his system that Gibbs absolutely could not take the chance of not getting him.  In short, Brown must be the ultimate archetype of a ZBS lineman.  Or at least as much of an archetype as George Foster was.
Yeah…

Anyway, that’s not the reason the selection pissed me off so much.  If Brown really is designed for the ZBS, that’s great.  But the question is whether he’s better at LT than Mendenhall would have been at RB.  Or Jenkins would have been at corner.  Sure, we got Slaton and Molden, which definitely eases the sting a bit, but if Brown falls on his face (or even if Mendenhall and Jenkins thrive elsewhere while Brown is just average), there is going to be a huge “what if Gibbs had just stuck to his pattern and not reached for Brown” hanging over the pick.

Player Whose Selection Suggests Kubiak Must Owe Alex Brink’s Dad A Favor:

Alex Brink–Seriously…what the fuck?

For your Thursday morning enjoyment, I present a Chron article from 2005 singing the praises of one DeMarcus “Petey” Faggins.

Faggins is exactly what defense needs

[...]

By starting Faggins in place of Phillip Buchanon at cornerback and Shantee Orr in place of Jason Babin at outside linebacker, the Texans are making it clear that no longer do reputations and draft position have priority.

It’s about who can make plays. And who’s hungrier.

Faggins is all that. He’s the guy you keep wanting to ignore but can’t. He plays every snap as if he must do his job or start packing. Same thing with Orr.

[...]

“When I first got here last season, and I heard all this talk about the Texans need another corner, I came into camp and I saw this guy, No. 38,” Robinson said. “He’s all over and I’m like, `Dang, is he a new guy or something?’ The same thing this spring. … (Faggins) is a playmaker.”

He’s the one always volunteering for repetitions, no matter if they’re with the scout team. He’s the one always asking for a chance until he finally gets one.

That was Faggins two Sundays ago as Buchanon seemingly tripped over his press clippings while attempting to tackle Pittsburgh Steelers running back Willie Parker near the goal line.

Ready to go with his helmet on, Faggins watched as things went from bad to worse to putrid.

“They made the decision right there on the sideline,” Faggins said. “I guess they felt like some guys weren’t playing up to their potential. I just heard Dom say, `Put Petey in.’ ”

Petey, as Faggins is called, did not astound anyone the rest of the way in that loss. But he made a couple of plays. He made no mistakes. He stayed in position, and it was enough to earn him the start today against the Cincinnati Bengals.

[...]

“The more you’re around him the more comfortable you get because he gives you great effort, he competes every down (and) he doesn’t want anybody to catch a pass on him,” Capers said. “When you talk to these guys, you tell them this is a game of opportunity. Whether you’re running the service team, or running the other team’s offense or defense. He earned this the old-fashioned way.”

Wow.  If you read the article with visions of the Atlanta game in your head, you start to giggle and assume that the whole thing is just a big sarcastic joke.

Gary Kubiak: (on phone) …uh-huh…yep…really, him? OK…no, that’s fine…I just didn’t…I didn’t know he was Catholic…I’ll tell him. (hangs up, dials Travis Johnson’s cell phone)

Travis Johnson: (singing) And IiiiIiiiiIiiiiiIIIIIIiiiiieieeeee, will always LOVE youuuuuuuuuu, IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuu… (answers phone) ‘Sup, coach?

Kubiak: Hey, Trav. How’s it going? I just got a call from the strangest person.

Johnson: You mean someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese? That’s not so weird; I get that all the time.

Kubiak: (sighing) No, Travis…not someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese. I have no idea–nevermind. Anyway, I got a call from the Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate.

Johnson: The fuck is an oblate?

Kubiak: You know, the people who provide priests for your church here in Houston? Shit…ANYWAY, it seems that the Pope is in the U.S. and he wants to invite you to have an audience with him. This is quite an honor, Trav, and–quite frankly–I am petrified that you will do something monumentally stupid and turn every Mexican in Texas against us. Please don’t fuck this up. Please?

Johnson: Shit, baby…it’s all to the good. I loves me some Pope.

(later that evening, in the rectory of St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Houston)

Johnson: Hi, Mr. Pope. Nice hat, dawg.

Pope Benedict: Hello, Travis. God bless you.

Johnson: So, what’s up, man? What’s good? What’s the word? (does elaborate, thirty-eight step handshake, points to the sky)

Pope: (looking startled) I…I…well, it is certainly wonderful to meet you, Travis. Father McHale tells me that you are setting a wonderful example for Catholic youth in Texas. He says that you–

Johnson: Oh, hell yeah, dawg! I be doin’ all sorts of shit fo’ the little kiddies. Why, just the other day, I took ten kids to the Mall to let them watch me buy some shoes.

Pope: I’m sorry? Do you mean you bought them shoes?

Johnson: Shit, no, man. I bought ME some shoes and I told them, “y’all practice hard and, someday, you’ll be able to afford all these shoes fo’ yo’ damn selves.” They were feelin’ me.

Pope: (looks slightly frightened and confused) You…bought yourself shoes…I…I don’t know what to say.

Johnson: I know, right?! Shit was great, dog!

Pope: (suddenly rethinking the entire meeting, changes subject) Tell me, son, is there a prayer you would like to say with me?

Johnson: Nah, dawg. I’m good.

Pope: Well, perhaps there is something you’d like blessed?

Johnson: Wait…whatchu sayin’? That you can give, like, super Jesus powers to something?

Pope: Not exactly, my son, but I can bless you or someone you love.

Johnson: Fo’ real?

Pope: Yes.

Johnson: Fo’ really real?

Pope: (sighing) Yes.

Johnson: Awwwww, SNAP! (unzips pants) Bless this, Pope.

Pope: What?!!

Johnson: Look, here’s the deal. I gots these two dudes on my team–Will Demps and, uh, this other Ivy League brotha we just signed–and they are both packin’ some SERIOUS dick, Pope. And, to make matters worse, they are both pulling more ass than a Texas Mormon, ya dig? So, I’s thinkin’ that, if you blessed my little Osceola, I could use my Jesus Dong to compete with those two.

Pope: (aghast)

Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope)

Pope: (frightened)

Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope.) Man, you gonna sit there slack-jawed like some motherfuckin’ Trent Green or you gonna holify my shit?

Pope: (looks for nearest exit, making blessing motion in Travis’ general direction) Ego contemno meus vita.

Johnson: (zipping up pants) Now THAT’S what I be talkin’ about, ya heard! 20 minutes ago, I had a lot of respect for the Pope. Now, I’m all like, HELLZ YEAH, THE POPE IS THE SHIZZNIT, BABY!!!! Vatican City in the house! Florida State in the house! My holy dick in the house!!!

Pope: (scurries out the side door)

Travis: (yelling after him) Yo, dawg, I’ma give my cell number to that dude out front in the big red hat! Holla at a playa if you are back in town! Tell Jesus I said what’s up!

In what is almost certainly an oversight destined to get someone fired, NBCSports.com has asked me and BFD to represent the Texans in their mock draft.  I don’t want to give away too much, but I will just say that there are some names that might slip to us that would make you very, very happy.

The draft should be posted, like, soon, or something.  By the 21st, I believe.

Here is where I will throw in my requisite “Just Say No” to Jonathan Stewart and Mike Jenkins.

It is not much of an exaggeration to say that I have seen Pulp Fiction at least 500 times. My freshman-year roommate had a copy (VHS, baby!) stolen from Blockbuster, which we watched almost daily for that entire year, and I’ve continued to watch it more frequently than any other movie over the past decade. I am reasonably sure this says something about me, but I’m not sure what it is.¹

Anyway…I mention this as background because, by this point, you’d think nothing could surprise me in that film. You’d be wrong.

So, here’s the deal. When the guy who looks somewhat like Jerry Seinfeld comes out of the bathroom and shoots at Vince and Jules, why in the hell did he have that gun in the bathroom with him in the first place?

Hear me out–clearly, Brett and “Flock of Seagulls” were not expecting Marsellus’ guys to show up at that instant, as they were enjoying Big Kahuna Burgers² and just otherwise chilling. Seagulls was lying on the couch and, one assumes, did not have a gun within easy reach. Brett, likewise, was seemingly unarmed. The look of terror on both of their faces suggests that, had they been expecting a visit from Jules and Vince, they would certainly have been armed and ready to shoot for their lives. I mean, Brett seems to know from the moment Marvin opens the door that he is probably going to die. If you had ripped off a crime kingpin and were expecting hitmen to show up and kill you, would you be more likely to sit and eat burgers or arm yourself and prepare to shoot back?

Besides, on top of the surprise factor, you have the size of the gun. It was, as Vincent pointed out, “a goddamned hand cannon.” Such a gun is not the type that someone would have cavalierly tucked in his waistband, nor was he wearing a holster. So basically, logic dictates that he either picked up the gun and carried into the bathroom or the gun was already in the bathroom. Neither of these situations really makes sense to me. On the one hand, if Brett and Seagulls were not expecting Vince and Jules to arrive, there’s no reason to think Guy in Bathroom would have suspected it enough to carry a large handgun into the crapper. Likewise, I can see no reason why that gun would already be in the bathroom considering the people out in the living room did not have guns within easy reach.

By now, you are probably thinking “what the hell does this have to do with football?” Simple: I had been blindly accepting the situation as it was presented to me, when I should have been considering the context. Because, once you consider the context, some things that seem to make sense really don’t.³

Which brings me (finally) to the draft.

Over the past days and weeks, many people have come to grips with the idea that the Texans are probably taking a CB with the 18th pick in the draft. On the surface, where you have an injured Dunta Robinson; a horrid Petey Faggins; a possibly-horrid Jacques Reeves; and are relying on a second-year corner and a veteran sex machine safety, it would seem logically sound to take a corner and hope to improve your atrocious secondary. It would seem that way until you really consider the context.

Right now, you can easily claim that our holes on defense are NT, DE2, CB2, SLB, and (possibly) SS. Of those holes, CB2 is the one where we have already spent the most cap space this offseason, albeit on a guy who might not be able to cover me for 4 seconds. Does it make sense to use your draft pick on a guy who play the same position as the guy you just overpaid for?

But that’s not even the biggest issue.

The fact is, a great defensive line can make a suspect secondary look average to good for multiple games in a season. A fantastic secondary can make an average D-line look good a couple times per game. Partly, this is because of the nature of the rules that allow WRs to play virtually untouched. But it is also due in no small part to the logistics of what the positions are asked to do. Your defensive line exists to get to the QB (or RB), correct? Well, they know where the QB is going to be once the ball is snapped. Defensive backs, on the other hand, are asked to cover someone with no clue as to where he is going or what path he will take to get there. This means that even the best CBs are going to get beat on a long enough timeline. SO–and I know you see where I am going with this–you can improve your secondary just as much by drastically shortening the length of time you ask them to cover as by upgrading your cornerbacks.

Hell, this year’s Super Bowl Champion New York Giants are an embodiment of this principle. Their monster defensive line was able to consistently get pressure on opposing QBs. Because of this, the Giants were able to survive with subpar linebackers (Pierce is a good player, but his main strength is in leadership and getting the D set correctly; Mitchell is a smart player and a sure tackler but is nothing special; and Torbor is notably below average, but tough) and an average defensive backfield. Corey Webster looks like he turned it around, but he still isn’t very good yet. Aaron Ross looked very good for a rookie, but Gibril Wilson is at best good (in terms of skills he’s probably comparable to a healthy Will Demps, maybe very slightly better) and James Butler more or less stinks.

Yet, despite having a back seven that was basically average, the Giants defense looked absolutely dominant at times–including against the Patriots–because they were able to get after opposing QBs on a regular basis. This is not a novel concept, really. And, given the choice, I would almost always rather go into a season with three great defensive lineman than with 2 great defensive linemen and a great DB. And, hell, with Ryans and Greenwood behind a line similar to the Giants, even Petey Faggins would seem decent at cornerback.

*Pauses to consider the implications of that last sentence. Shudders.*

WHICH (finally) brings me to my bigger point. Namely that, if we are drafting defense in the first round or third round, we should be looking for a defensive tackle or a speedy defensive end or–shockingly–both. I mean, clearly someone in Texans management thought that Reeves could play or else they wouldn’t have signed him. You want to make that signing make sense? Then put together a front four that can limit how long he has to cover. The kid has fantastic speed, but his instincts and coverage skills are not all that amazing. Ask him to cover for 2.5 seconds instead of 4.5 and his speed/quickness should be able to overcome his technique/skills. Unless, that is, someone thought it prudent to give $8MM guaranteed for a nickel corner. Which I choose to believe no one in our front office is stupid enough to do.

[Author's note: I realize that some of this--ok, fine, much of this--is a rehashing of the philosophy I've been espousing since the end of the season. I was pushing for a NT at that time and, for the most part, my position hasn't changed. I have only amended it to say that I would be nearly as happy with a solid DE and that the only CB I would be willing to change my opinion for would be the mutant Rodgers-Cromartie.]

Who, then, should we be looking at? I’m glad you asked. Two names that immediately jump out to me are Brian Johnston and Kentwan Balmer.

Last one first, let’s take a look at Balmer, since most of you have probably heard of him. A 6-5, 308 DT out of UNC, Balmer posted 59 tackles (33 solos), including 3.5 sacks, 9.5 TFL, and four quarterback pressures. Balmer was solid against the run in general, allowing 1.69 yards/carry on his 55 running stops. The one knock I would have against him is that he is about 15 lbs lighter (minimum) than I would like out of my NT, but that is countered by the fact that he is strong (33 reps) and explosive (29 in. vertical jump). Even better for our purposes, Balmer is currently projected to go in the late first/early second, meaning he should be available at 18. Speaking of that 18th pick, I think even if most teams have Balmer slotted at 25-30, we should be willing to reach a little if we find a guy we really want because of the lack of a second rounder.

The other guy I mentioned, Brian Johnston, might be unfamiliar to many of you. That’s what happens when you go to Gardner-Webb and don’t get a combine invite. Of course, after reading about his tryout in front of some NFL scouts, maybe he should have been invited.

Measuring in at 6-foot-5, 274 pounds, Johnston ran his first 40-yard dash in 4.66 seconds. Johnston’s 40-yard dash time would have been the fourth best at the NFL combine for defensive ends, and the best for any lineman weighing more than 260 pounds.

Johnston’s most impressive stat from the 40-yard dash came with a very strong 1.51-second time through the first 10 yards, an important time with regards to a players quickness. By comparison, Johnston’s 10-yard split was the same as Arkansas’ running back Darren McFadden turned in at the Combine earlier this year.

The most impressive result overall, however, may have been Johnston’s time in the 20-yard shuttle. He turned in a 4.18-second time, which is better than any lineman at the NFL’s Scouting Combine. In fact, the 4.18-second time was faster than any running back at the event - with Illinois’ Rashard Mendenhall the only back to match that time.

So, yeah…I’d say he fits the definition of a speed-rushing DE. Now, I know some of you are likely saying “ACK! Workout warrior from a small school! Babin! BABIN!!!” That’s fair. But let’s not forget that Babin was a college 4-3 DE drafted to play OLB in an NFL 3-4. Going forward was never a problem for him; it was sideline to sideline and dropping into TE coverage that killed him. In Johnston’s case, you would be drafting a college 4-3 DE speed-rusher to play NFL 4-3 DE speed-rusher. And, because Mario and Okoye occupy the extra blockers, he’d be going one-on-one with o-linemen most of the time. That’s always nice when you are lightning-fast.

ANYWAY, I am just spitballing here. If the word around the campfire is to be believed, we will take someone like Aqib Talib at 18 and then a RB in the third. And I’ll deal with it, even if I don’t think it is the right approach. And, hell, maybe I get kinda lucky and we take Talib (or whomever) in the first but still snag Johnston in the third. Regardless, until Draft Day, I am just going to keep doing my best to shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness.⁴

¹ That’s not entirely true. I think it says that I liked the movie when it was (a) popular, (b) cliched, (c) ironic, and (d) suggestive that I am getting old.

² That IS a tasty burger!

³ On the flip-side, some things that seem utterly inexplicable–say, the selection of Mario Williams over Reggie Bush–make perfect sense once you consider the context. While some things–say, the popularity of Mambo No. 5–remain inexplicable regardless of how much you ponder them.

⁴ And to not shoot Marvin in the face.

Bathroom at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, 10:45pm

Shannon Sharpe: Man…I really gotta take a thit. Thtupid airplane food.

(2 minutes later)

Sharpe: (singing to himself) Thwing loooowwww, thweet chariot, comin’ for to thumthin thumthin hoooome…

(Merril Hoge enters the next stall)

Hoge: Damn, son…that’s some FINE singin’. I love me an old-fashioned black spiritual. Makes me feel like I am back home in Idaho. Not that we had blacks…hey, who’s in there, anyway?

Sharpe: Thumone tryin’ to thit, dammit. Thut up and give a brotha thum peathe.

Hoge: Hooooo, boy! Listen to that lisp! You sound frutier than bag of Starburst, son! Wait…is that you, Vince?!? I always knew you’d sound gay!!! I’d ask you to toss me some toilet paper, but you couldn’t get it over here even if you wanted to. Isn’t that right, Mr. Overrated?

Sharpe: Motherfucker, ith me–Thannon Tharpe! Who the hell are you?

Hoge: It’s Merril. You know, ESPN Analyst Merril Hoge. Good lord, I never realized how gay you sound. If you’d have been tapping your foot there in the stall while you were singing, I’da thought you were hitting on me.

Sharpe: Whatever, man. Jethuth taught me to turn the other cheek and not hate juth becauth thumone ith diffent. (pauses, grunts, continues) Hey, thpeaking of hate, why the hell are you alwayth ripping on Vinthe? You jus make yourthelf thound ignurrant, cuz it thows you don unnerthand what he really bringth to hith team.

Hoge: What he brings to his team? You mean like twice as many INTs as TDs? (farts, laughs)

Sharpe: Thee! Thath what I am talk about! You mith the point–that he bringth intangimableth that thtupid thtatithticth can’t meathure!

Hoge: Please! That’s what everyone says, what’s that even mean? If the only thing he does well is stuff that can’t be measured, then how much stock can you put in the “intangibles?”

Sharpe: But he winth gameth!

Hoge: No, the Titans’ DEFENSE wins games. Their offensive line that turns shitheads like LenDale White into viable options wins games. Vince is just along for the ride and, if he manages not to screw shit up, gets all the credit for the win! How does that make any sense? But no matter how much I scream about it, people listen to you lisp about how great he is!

Sharpe: You are thuch an ignurrant hick. Taking all thothe hitth to the head mutht’ve methed you up. You thimply don’t know what you are talking about, becauth he ith that great. I mean, tho what if he can’t throw thirty yardth with accurathy? He ith deadly effithient on thothe eight yard dump offth. He creath playth with hith legth. He fortheth defentheth to adjutht. He hath a chanthe to be one of the betht dual-threat quarterbackth in hithtory. I’ve gotta be honetht, Merril–it really thoundth like thour grapeth, man. All you’ve done thince he wath drafted wath talk about how awful he ith.

Hoge: Maybe I am just sick of people making him into Jesus in Cleats! Maybe I fail to see what he does that is worth a first round pick, let alone a high first round pick. Or…maybe…

Sharpe: What ith it?

Hoge: Maybe I miss the old days, Shannon. The days when I could still play and quarterbacks were not supposed to run. That’s what the running backs were for. I miss the days when Neil O’Donnell was a god among men.

Sharpe: Neil O’Donnell wath never a god, Merril! Thath juth thtupid.

Hoge: You didn’t know Neil like I knew him, Shannon! No one did! See…NOW who is being the negative prick?!

(voice from the third stall)

Emmit Smith: Guys, guys, guys…let me be the void of return. All this negativosity is impending you from researching a mortgageable contraceptive.

Shannon: Oh, Jethuth Chritht.

OK, seriously, I meant it when I said that I was done commenting on the Chronicle. I really did. It was not some plan to say I was done and then keep finding excuses to talk about them. You are going to have to trust me on that. I wouldn’t lie to you, baby. I swear.

Unfortunately for the success of my self-imposed moratorium, the “writers” over there keep doing stuff that needs commenting upon. And, by “needs commenting upon,” I mean “irritates me to the point that I have to write about it before my head explodes.” For example, who would you pick if I were to ask you which sped kid at the Chron said the following:

On the whole, though, Gary Kubiak and Rick Smith have a solid record in personnel. If the Mario Williams pick looks as good as it does right now, they’ll look extremely smart.

Just to make your guesswork easier, by process of elimination, we can rule out a few of them. First, it obviously wasn’t Anna-Megan Raley, because she could not possibly string together a coherent thought of that length. It can’t be Megan Manfull because it’s not some “breaking news” that is based on conjecture and rumor. It’s probably not John McClain because there is no reference to Baylor, people he knows, or upcoming videos. So that means, it almost has to be…Richard Justice?

Backing up for a second, let me ask you something. If I showed up tomorrow and started posting about how Petey Faggins was an outstanding cover corner and Richard Smith was the most aggressive defensive coordinator I’ve ever seen and even that David Carr was a 100% heterosexual All-Pro-caliber QB, you would all call me out on it, right? I mean, it wouldn’t even be so much the invalidity of the statements, as much as the fact that it flew in the face of nearly everything I’ve written. It would demand explanation if I wanted anyone to take me seriously on any level.

It seems, however, that lil’ Dick doesn’t share my thoughts on this. Instead, he must assume that each and every person who reads his work is so functionally retarded that they will not note the jarring, 180-degree turn from “he can’t play” to “looks as good as it does right now.”¹ Well we do notice, Richard! We don’t really care, because we think you are a talentless hack, and we consider your work to be pablum at best, and we assume that you just pull shit like this because someone in charge pulled you aside and told you what to write like they do with all “controversial” dipshits, but we notice nonetheless.

Just to recap, as recently as Halloween, Justice was convinced that Mario was not only a bad player, but also the worst draft pick in the history of sports. If you click on that link, you’ll see no fewer than five comments by Dick spanning about eight days, all of which disparage Mario in one way or another. Yet, a mere six weeks later, the Mario pick is looking so good that it might make the current regime look “extremely smart?” Um…what?

Wait. Why am I even pretending to be confused? After all, this boomerang on the topic of Mario Williams is just the latest in a long line of Dickish flip-floppery. For instance, if you were following the Chron through 2006, you would have noticed roughly 12,717,120,957 inconsistencies in Justice columns about David Carr, which Scott did a nice job of recording before he fell off the planet. If one had the desire to, a person could probably find a similar trail of incongruence regarding any person Justice had written about more than once.

I suppose that such inconsistent writing is neither inherently good nor inherently bad. It is piss-poor journalism, of course, and shows a lack of any real sense of accountability, but it is not dangerous to anything but the writer’s credibility. Since R-Jizzle has about as much credibility as Geraldo Rivera, there’s really nothing to lose there, either. Still, knowing the disdain that Justice has for this blog and bloggers in general, and knowing that such feelings are echoed by people in “old media” because they view blogs as lacking integrity and journalistic standards², I am damn near choking on the irony. And bile. And a touch of rage. But mainly irony.

Update:  I missed it until just now, but Tom K is all over Justice’s latest waffling on Kubiak.  Dick is amazingly consistent in his inconsistency.

¹ My guess is that he bases this assumption on the commenters who agree with his daily pablum. Which is fair, because they actually are retarded.
² Blah blah blah, the blogger complains about the mainstream media wah wah wah. I know…it’s been done. Never lose sight of the point, though–Richard Justice sucks.

Inspired by Tim’s comment here, let’s break down exactly what Ahman Green has cost the Texans thus far. All numbers based on his $6.5MM guaranteed contract.

• $16,971.28 per total yard
• $25,000 per rushing yard
• $72,222.22 per week on injury report
• $92,857.14 per carry
• $2,166,666.67 per game with at least one 10+ yard rush
• $3,250,000 per touchdown
• $6,500,000 per victory over Dallas, Indianapolis, Jacksonville, and Tennessee

It’s nice work, if you can get it.

Travis Johnson: (singing to himself) “A-dashing to the sto’ in a big ass Chevrolet. These peoples drive too slow. Bitch, get out my way! Wearing a Santa hat, makes my spirits bright. But if someone laughs at it I’ll gut them like a motherfucking snitch-ass bitch!” Damn. I had some rhyme-time shit going on there for a second. Still…snitch-ass bitches do get stitches, so that kinda works. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but I sing it any way.”

(arrives at Galleria, somehow manages to find a parking spot) OK…let’s see…WHOA! This big ass map says I am here! How the fuck!? How does it know that shit!? That some spooky, voodoo, hocus-pocus bullshit right there!

five minutes elapse

(still looking at the map) You think you’re so smart, Mr. Map? Well let’s just see about that. (walks around to back of map, counts to four, jumps back in front of it) A-ha! Now what do you have to sa–MOTHER FUCKER! “You are here.” How does it know?!? I need to find that cologne-sellin’ booth and get away from this plastic devil.

(walks up to perfume counter at Nieman Marcus) Hello, perfume lady.

Lady Behind Counter: Hello, sir. Is there something I can help you with?

Johnson: Yes, perfume lady. You see, I have many, many peoples who love them some Travis Johnson. I want to get them something special that will let them think about Travis any time they wear it.

Lady: Well, we have several new scents this yea–

Johnson: No, perfume lady, you seem to be misunderstanding Travis. Let Trav spell it out for you, homegirl. I want to get them something smells like me. I want to make Eau de Trav or Johnson Fields or some such heavenly fragrance.

Lady: I…but…wait…what? You want to bottle your own scent?!

Johnson: Precisely. So, let’s do it. Hook me up to whatever scentifying machine you gots back there and start extractin’ some of that Travisey goodness.

Lady: That’s not really how it works, sir. We can’t bottle your “scent. ”

Johnson: The fuck you mean you can’t bottle Travis’ scent?! You got that Liz Taylor stank in a bottle! And I don’t even know who the fuck “Ralph Lauren” is, but you got that dude’s funk in a lot of different bottles. Travis gots a much better musk than that motherfucker!

Lady: Sir, please, keep your voice down or I will have to call security. There is no way I can get your “musk” in a bottle. It is literally impossible.

Johnson: What the fuck? Ain’t this about a bitch? What the hell am I supposed to do with this, then?

Lady: What is that? Is that a jar of…

Johnson: You know it, perfume lady. That’s a week worth of 100% Travis Johnson ball sweat. I collected it myself. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do? Of course you don’t, because you are a woman, so you have flabias and clicks instead of balls. But trust me–it ain’t easy.

Lady: (trying not to vomit) Sir…you need…GUH…to put that…away!

Johnson: The fuck I do! I need to mix it with, like, the smell of some roses and peaches and shit, and then put that shit in a little glass bottle with some France writing on it. Maybe have some glitter and shiny shit on the outside, just so it looks as pretty as it smells. Mark that shit $99.95! People in other countries fight wars for this kind of magic love potion! This shit might just cure blindness. Hell, you rub this on a dead baby and that little dude will probably live again. This is some top-notch, magical stankonia!

Lady: Sir, I am not really even sure what you are talking about now, but, for the LAST TIME, we cannot bottle your “smell” here. Now, unless there is something else I can help you with, I am going to have to ask you to leave.

Johnson: Oh, HELL no. Nobody asks Travis Johnson to leave!

Lady: SECURITY!!!!

(two guards run up) Johnson: Motherfucker! It’s on, now. I was just trying to Christmas shop, but you had to go and start shit. (gets into crane kick pose) Enter the dragon, bitches!

Like a toddler to an open electrical outlet, Matt Mosley is once again drawn mindlessly to a Chron.com article ripping the Texans (or, more accurately this time, Texans fans). While the article Matt links to is crap at best, that is not what concerns me. [Author's Note: See BRB for a breakdown of that article.]

What does irk me is Matt’s snarky comment.

How much longer can the Texans use the “expansion” thing as an excuse?

Gee, Matt… I don’t know. You want to see something cool, though?

0-11-1
4-9-1
5-8-1
4-10-0
5-8-1

Know what that is? That’s your beloved Cowboys first five years in the NFL. If my math is correct¹, that’s 18-46-4. If we throw out the ties, that’s a winning percentage of 28% (and, if we include the ties, we can accurately say that Dallas won 18 of their first 68 games). Eww.

Fast forward a few decades, and the Texans currently stand at 24-56-0. That’s a winning percentage of 30%. Again, if we trust my math, 30% is better than 28%.

I know the rebuttal–the Texans were given high draft picks and the Cowboys just had to assemble a team from cast-offs and spare parts. That overlooks that the majority of our original roster was assembled of cast-offs and spare parts. It also glosses over how much easier it was to build a team before free agency, hard salary caps, revenue sharing and whatnot if a team had a proactive owner with deep pockets. Did we get the first overall pick that first season? Sure. And we botched it (in retrospect) and we STILL have a better record after five seasons than Dallas did.

By now, I don’t expect Matt Mosley to suddenly start supporting the Texans. I would, however, appreciate it if he would just shut the hell up and not even mention them. Well, that, or try not to look like an ass when he does talk about them. Either way.

¹ I mistakenly wrote 18 of 60 in the Hashmarks comments. Guess I was giving them the benefit of the doubt.

I am all in favor of optimism. I mean, for many people, a belief that the future will improve upon the past is all that they have. I can respect that and, to some degree, empathize.

Of course, there’s a difference between optimism and crazy, wild-ass speculation. And I think this comment string about Vince Young’s upcoming stats falls squarely into the latter category.

Seriously, guys… why not just “predict” 5200 YDS, 44 TDs, and 0 INTS?

My favorite quote: “He won’t have time to fumble. He will be quickly releasing the ball to an open WR.”