Kickoff - “Your David Carr costume is not complete without proper handwear” Edition
Oct 31, 2008 Boobies, H/T Eric, I ask that you wash it first, I really dig my readers, Inanity, Kickoff, Super Mario
If you were going to go as a former or current Texan for Halloween, who would it be and what would you do to make it funny/interesting? (Because if there’s anything more gay than just wearing a football jersey as a “costume,” I can’t think of what it is. I mean, other than dudes sucking off dudes or whatever.)
We’re really not that different, you and I. Brought to my attention by both Eric and GlassHalfFull, it seems that Chester Pitts has a blog at the Chronicle. I give it three weeks before it is more readable than anything Pancakes or Assmaster writes. I give it far less time than that before some Cowboy-fan troll starts talking semi-literate shit.
Nashville North? I link to this article re: the Texans/Vikings game simply for this blurb from the comments.
but there still the texans
the have beat the dolphins (who have gotten better), lions, and bengals. but if the players continue not to exucute plays and make stupid mistakes like missed tackles and special (ed) teams. They will lose. again
posted by khs145 on Oct 30, 08 at 8:06 pm
I count five grammatical/spelling/punctuation errors, eight capitalization errors, and one gigantic dose of irony.
Manchild. Dallas Morning News story about how the Texans are looking for more out of Amobi. We all are, of course. The thing I don’t get, though, is Kubiak quotes about how Mario struggled as a rookie and then figured things out. Not to rehash old shit, but Mario had a foot injury most of that year and was moved all over the place (including inside to DT) by a retarded DC, then turned into a god when two of those three things were corrected in year two. Amobi came in and played very well from the jump then seemed to hit a wall and hasn’t played well so far in his second season. I don’t see the parallel there. (Note: My theory is just that he is still very young and is growing into his position as many DTs do. I’m just saying I don’t think the comparison to Mario is particularly instructive.)
Finally. Happy Halloween. This young lass went as Sexy Mario last year. If you are a female reader of similar build, I suggest you do the same. If you actually ARE the female in this picture, I suggest you send more pics of yourself to bfd.
Church
Sep 16, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, I ask that you wash it first, I really need a different hobby, Inflamed body parts, Kevin Bentley, Too far?, Travis Johnson, What the fuck?, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Methodist Practice Bubble parking lot, September 19, 2008, after practice
Kevin Bentley: (jogging) William! William! Do hold on a moment, William!
Will Demps: Will Demps is not very fond of talking to your pretty, er, ugly ass. Besides, there’s a good chance some random bitches are waitin’ for Will Demps back at, um, Will Demps’s crib, ya dig? Make it fast, mofo.
Bentley: Well, William, I was just going to suggest that, now that we’ve both made the team and, more importantly, now that Hurricane Ike has given us some perspective on the important things in life—things like family, love, community, and the need for proper skin care in inclimate weather—perhaps we should call off this entire wager.
Demps: The fuck you mean “call it off?!” Motherfucker, Will Demps is going full dick ahead with this bet! Will Demps is going to drive your cockblocking ass out this town, holmes! Will Demps is going to ball Rhonda Kubiak so good, SHE be callin’ you up to tell you Will Demps won the bet. Ain’t no calling it off, brothaman.
Bentley: William, I fear you might have gotten concussed in our competition against Pittsburgh, as you do not seem to be thinking all that clearly. What makes you think your odds of winning a bet in which you’ve been a decided underdog from the outset have somehow improved of late?
Demps: What makes…odds? I, er, Will Demps ain’t got no clue what the fuck you’re jibba-jabberin’ about. But if you askin’ why I’m going to win, take a look in the mirror. You look like you done gained fiddyleven pounds. You fat, dawg. Not P-H-A-T like Kim Kardashian’s ass, either. Straight F-A-T. Will Demps is still a sexy ebony god with fifteen inches of throbbing black Jesus.
Bentley: Silly William, I gained a small amount of weight on purpose. I have neither the time nor the patience to explain the mathematics to you right now, but rest assured that my increased mass gives me more power when I tackle and makes me an even better player.
Demps: On special teams, bitch.
Bentley: Point taken, William. Of course, were I to decide I wanted to play defensive back, I am sure I’d have no problem out-performing the disastrous results you and C.C. provided against Pittsburgh. Tell me, William, is it customary to give wide receivers a fourteen yard cushion when they are at the five-yard line?
Demps: Fuck you, dude.
Bentley: Charming. So, you really do not plan to give this wager a rest?
Demps: Hell naw, Chubb-o.
Bentley: Fine. Then consider yourself forewarned—with your play, it will not be a huge blow to anyone when you leave after I bed our target.
Demps: And, um, consider yourself forewhatevered—Will Demps taps ass.
Bentley: …
Demps: That’s right!
Bentley: (looking over Demps’ shoulder) Not to change the subject, William, but is that an ass I see over in Travis’s vehicle?
Demps: That’s Travis’s ass, dude!
Bentley: And you know that…nevermind.
[Both run over to the truck, where Travis Johnson is having sex with Rhonda Kubiak]
Demps and Bentley: WHAT THE FUCK?!?
Travis Johnson: (rolling down window, but without breaking his stroke) The fuck you frilly faggots want?
Rhonda Kubiak: Oh oh oh oh god oh fuck yes god holy cock yes oh fuck oh jesus oh mandingo oh pound that snizz you big, black stallion!!!! THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY SNIZZ!!!!
Demps: Will…Will Demps…um…Will don’t…
Bentley: What my semi-literate friend means is ‘How in the world did you get her to have sexual intercourse with you!?!’
Johnson: (stroking) Because, Ass Pirate Roberts, Travis Johnson fucks bitches. He don’t act like one. While y’all busy tweezing and buffing, I gots hoes skeezing and sucking. Ya feel me?
Kubiak: I feel you! I feel you! Holy Christ, it’s so big I can taste it!
Bentley: B-b-but…I have seventeen and a half inches of manhood! I know you don’t have that!!!
Johnson: (stroking) Nope, Cockbreath, I sure don’t. But I have something better.
Bentley: What’s that?
Kubiak: (nearly out of breath) His dick is…consecrated by the God! So this…isn’t…OH GODDAMN…YES, BIG DADDY…KNOCK THE LINING OUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER…isn’t a sin!
Johnson: (stroking) That’s right. I told y’all there was a reason for having the Pope conse– consecr– bless my shit. Married bitches always be looking for that loophole so they can indulge they fantasies. I gots the ultimate loophole, Nancy!
Bentley: (shaking head, muttering as he walks off) This just…it doesn’t make sense…I was supposed to be knocking that lining out of her motherfucker. (looks back over shoulder) C’mon, William. I’ll buy you a lapdance at Centerfolds.
Demps: Will Demps says the bet is over.
Bentley: (patting him on the shoulder) I know, William. I know.
Johnson: (yelling after them) Wait! Don’t y’all wanna watch this bitch get baptized?!? (to Rhonda) Open up, ho…you ’bout to taste some religiousness up in here!
Kickoff
Aug 20, 2008 DeMeco Ryans, I ask that you wash it first, Kickoff, Leg hugs for all
(All-DeMeco Ryans Edition)
He’s better than you. The mothership has a Camp Spotlight on DeMeco. Things we learn: DeMeco is a tough mofo who refuses to come out of the game, DeMeco is excited about Zac Diles‘ potential, DeMeco once turned a blind man into wine.
Reg-gie? NOLA newspaper looks back at the 2006 draft and comes away with the conclusion that DeMeco might just be the best player taken that year. As of this moment, you’ll get no argument from me.
Wally Pipp. Ryans was originally a center, of all things. It wasn’t until the team’s starting MLB got hurt that DeMeco got the chance to play there. “I mean, I made every tackle,” the Houston Texans All-Pro middle linebacker remembers. “I guess that was when I kind of discovered I had a special knack for finding my way to the ball.” Indeed.
Finally. You know what to do.
I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said, “how do you spell spell ‘Sartre?’”
Jul 8, 2008 Bitchephant, Fake Conversations with Real People, Frank Okam is an evil genius, I ask that you wash it first, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
7:45 PM. Kevin Bentley’s meticulously-appointed, feng shui-friendly loft apartment. Houston, TX.
Kevin Bentley: (doing situps, counting in Mandarin) …shi si, shi wu, shi liu…
(knock at the door)
Bentley: Enter! (resumes situps) …shi qi, shi ba, shi jiu…
Frank Okam: Hello, Kevin.
Bentley: Welcome, Francis. Please, come in and make yourself at home. I shall only be a few more moments. (finishes situps) …er shi. (towels off) What brings you here, Francis? More questions regarding string theory?
Okam: Not tonight, Kevin. No, this eve finds me possessed of a worried mind fettered by dastardly plans.
Bentley: Do tell, young squire. You have piqued my interest most assuredly.
Okam: First, allow me to posit an ontological query. Can one actively pursue the destruction of another without in turn destroying himself? Which is to say, does the driving out of existence one’s enemy have a similarly deleterious effect on one’s own self?
Bentley: Interesting question, Francis. To my way of thinking, when one focuses on his own being qua being, his interactions with others become a necessary rubric for understanding one’s self. That said, those interactions with others only help to cast light upon one’s own being; they are not a condition precedent for being.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: A moment, Francis. (answers phone) Hello….yes…I see…well, have you spoken to your sister about it?…and she is fine with the idea?…I see…no, nothing rough…yes…indeed…I shall see you both in one hour. (hangs up)
(resumes discussion) Thus, the destruction — either literal or merely relative to his current socio-economic status — of one’s enemy does not impact one’s being so much as allow one to see the side of his being which is capable of such malevolence.
Okam: Interesting. So, by that rationale, the capacity to destroy is a characteristic of the destroyer’s being, for better or worse, and does not, in fact, define the being any more than, say, a predilection toward certain cereal brands would?
Bentley: Precisely — so the question is not “will one’s destruction of another bring about one’s own destruction,”
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: Apologies, dear friend. (answers phone) Hello…this is he…the going rate is $500 and hour…yes, that works out to just over $29 per inch per hour…indeed…I can work you in three hours from now…of course…you can make it payable to Lyndon Veins Johnson…yes, see you then. (hangs up)
(resumes discussion) but, rather “can one tolerate the self-reflection that knowing one’s capacity to destroy provides?” Now, obviously, if the answer to the second query is negative, then it could very well be that, by extension, the decision to destroy the other person might lead to one’s own destruction, but it does not by definition have to lead there.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: Excuse me for just another second or two, Francis. (answers phone) Hello…speaking…I leave the decisions regarding lubricant to you…sure, but that runs slightly more…all cards except Discover…I ask that you wash it first…of course…see you in five hours. (hangs up phone)
(resumes discussion) But now, Francis, with that query answered satisfactorily, I must inquire as to what tipped you off to my wager with William?
Okam: You find me at a loss for response, sir; I am unaware as to any wager with anyone. I was speaking on behalf of my own concerns and issues. Might you elaborate upon this wager?
Bentley: Well, Francis, upon the realization that the female population is not ample enough to sustain both myself and William Demps, he and I entered into an agreement whereby the first one to bed a predetermined target female would win, forcing the other competitor to leave Houston and the Texans organization at once.
Okam: How very fascinating! Yet, I have found myself wondering of late how someone as vapid as William could find constant success with the ladies. Surely this competition is most heavily tilted in your favor!
Bentley: One would certainly think so, but Mr. Demps possesses a certain manner of talking to women that makes him, at times, irresistible to them. He is, if you will, a “cunning linguist.”
Okam: Good show! Well played, indeed!
Bentley: Thank you. I found that aphorism quite humorous as well.
Okam: I assume the target female was chosen for her relative unattainability?
Bentley: Very intuitive, young Francis. The target female is none other than Rhonda Kubiak.
Okam: I imagine my face reveals my utter amazement at your answer!
Bentley: Quite! (laughs, composes self, checks watch) I have greatly enjoyed this conversation, Francis. Now, I hope you don’t think me a boor, but I must excuse myself post haste. For, if I don’t apply the champagne and talcum powder mask to my testicles before engaging in tonight’s activities, I will surely find myself chaffed come the morrow.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: I shall call you soon, Francis. (answers phone) Hello…
