DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Back in this post, I mentioned that we are always willing and happy to run well-written posts from our readers.  This is one of those posts.  (Also, I expand that offer to include fans of other teams that would like to offer a well-reasoned reponse to things they’ve read here about their favorite teams.)

Here’s the next guest post:

A Reasoned Rebuttal To A Richard Justice Article That Doesn’t Deserve A Link
by: Vega

You sense you are in the presence of greatness the moment he enters a room. Adults and children are in awe. Teammates love him, opponents respect him. There will never be another one like him.

Joe Montana - worthless. Jerry Rice – NFL slut. Dan Marino – what did he ever fucking accomplish? Walter Payton – he couldn’t even avoid death.

Vince Young did things on a football field that made grown men cry.

Similarly, Richard Justice has done things in journalism that make me cry.

He brought happiness to millions, made their boring lives worth living.

Damn it. If only I lived in Texas and was a Longhorn fan, my life wouldn’t suck.

He wore orange, but Tech fans, Aggie fans, UH fans, all fans rooted for him as if he was their own. Such was his greatness.

Wait a second, you mean EVERYONE loved him?! Friend and foe alike?! Well then why do I hate him now that he’s a BE-SF? Also, why… hold on, is he dead? Is this a eugogoly?

He made an entire state—and probably an entire nation—feel good about itself. All Vince Young has been to Texans is everything.

That fucker just called me an “it”.

That’s why nothing that happens this year in sports will be as emotionally powerful as what The University of Texas has planned for August 30. That’s when Vince Young’s jersey No. 10 will be retired by the Longhorns.

Michael Phelps would agree. When Tiger won the US Open on a broken leg, his first thoughts were of Vince Young. Eli Manning wore #10 in the Superbowl in honor of Young.

I’m probably like a lot of you in that when I’m feeling down or have had a bad day at work I put in the DVD of that Rose Bowl. No matter how many times I watch it, I’m still inspired by it, moved by it.

And sometimes, when I’m alone, I’ll grab a bottle of baby oil and a wooden spoon and spank my own ass.

It makes me want to work harder, to accomplish more. It makes me want to make Vince proud.

Usually, I’ll do a double of tequila and rub my own boob and I know that somewhere, Vince Young is smiling.

Whenever I’m in Austin, I drop by to see The Trophy, to feel its power, to remember that incredible evening.

Reading comprehension question: What is Richard Justice referring to when he speaks of “The Trophy”, “its power”, and “that incredible evening”?

a. The BCS Trophy, what it represents, and the 2006 Rose Bowl

b. His Pulitzer Prize, his extensive influence, that night he learned to fly.

c. His Vince Young Real Doll, sweaty man love, and his evening routine

d. Other. Please elaborate.

I never expect to have another one like it as long as I’m on this earth.

I wonder what your wife thinks about this.

I’ll be there for the ceremony. If you can’t be there, I’ll be there for you. I’ll capture the moment for you. I will write something that tugs at your heart and reflects Vince’s greatness. That is my gift.

Gee, thanks Dick, but I’m allergic to literary semen. How about if I just hammer an ice pick through my testicles and we call it square?

Texas isn’t like other places. Texas only honors a few of its own. Texas isn’t like other schools. Greatness is routine at Texas.

I’d like to step aside for a moment and congratulate BFD and all the other Longhorns on this site for being great. Super job, guys!

To have your jersey retired by The University of Texas, you have to be special.

He definitely is “special”.

Vince will join Tommy Nobis (60), Bobby Layne (22), Earl Campbell (20) and Ricky Williams (34) as the only Longhorns to have their numbers retired.

So according to the previous statement, Ricky Williams is pretty great and special too, huh. Among his accomplishments he lists setting the NCAA career rushing record (later broken by Ron Dayne), quitting the NFL so he could smoke more weed, not being able to get through a CFL season, and that night he ate 15 bags of Doritos.

The University of Texas is a special place. Whether you graduated from Texas, as I did, or you have visited the campus, you understand its power, its beauty and its grace. It’s a place of ideas, a place of thought, a place where people learn to be the best they can be.

It’s one of a kind too. Harvard, MIT, Princeton – amateurs.

So Texas will honor one of its best. He’s a magical man in that he’s beloved, not just by the University of Texas, but by millions of others. He’s admired for his football accomplishments, but also for his charitable heart and his dignity.

Yup, dignity. Lots of dignity.

”I’m really looking forward to getting back to Austin again, seeing everyone, reaching out to the community with my foundation event and cheering on my team,” Vince said. ”I was speechless when they told me about the jersey retirement earlier this summer, and I still don’t think it’s sunk in. It’s such a great honor to be remembered in such a special way. Man, when I see that number and my name on the stadium. I don’t know what I’m going to do. It’s just going to be such an unbelievable feeling for me and my family.”

Quick, raise your hand if you think that Vince Young knows the name of his foundation.

No, Vince, the honor is all ours. You allowed us to watch you play.

It’s a good thing you did too. Every year before college football starts, I stress over which players are going to allow me to watch.

”When you think about Vince, all he’s done for The University, our football program and the community, it’s going to be a really special day for all of us and a great opportunity to say thank you,” Mack Brown said. ”Thank you for what he does as a football player, how he represents our football program, athletic department and university, for sending such a great message about education by coming back to finish up school, but most importantly, for always giving back. Vince is a terrific football player but an even more special young man.”

Is it me, or is there an excessive amount of “special”-ness going on?

We’re Texas.

I thought we were Marshall?

What starts here changes the world.

We’re still talking about football right? Football that happened two and a half years ago?

Has Vince Young found a cure for cancer that I’m not aware of? Did he bring peace to the Middle East and I just missed the news conference? He’s a fucking football player!!

I’ve been clear in my comments here that I have no affiliation to UT and am completely impartial to what the team does in sports. That said, I don’t speak about my own mother this way. I don’t talk like this to my fiancee. She’d probably cancel the wedding if I did. I would love to hear from the UT crowd. Do you all feel the same?

(h/t Brent)

Remember WAY back (in June) when I was doing Top 5 Lists related to the team?  Well, there are a couple more in the works, but this particular list is all about reader interaction.  And it’s a two-parter.  Or a “double-ender,” if that makes some of you feel more comfortable?

Part One: Your Top 5 Favorite Active Texans

Part Two: Your Top 5 Favorite Active Non-Texans

NOTE: If the Texans are not your favorite team, feel free to substitute your team for “Texans” in the instructions.  Unless your favorite team is the Cowboys, in which case I ask you to go fuck yourself.

My Answers:

Part 1.

1. Mario Williams.  Absolutely WORSHIP the dude.  Last year’s dominance made me feel vindicated in liking the selection from Day 1 and I actually expect him to be in the running for Defensive Player of the Year this year.  He’s a god.

2. DeMeco Ryans.  Though it doesn’t rise to the level of man-love I have for Mario, DeMeco is a pretty close #2 on my list.  He’s my son’s favorite player, too.  If he stays healthy and Okam plays 2/3 as well as I think he will, DeMeco will have 170 total tackles this year.

3. Andre Johnson.  Maybe I am high, but as of this moment, I would take Johnson over any WR in football.  Size, strength, speed…dude is the total package and is not a headcase like Moss, Johnson, Owens, and (apparently) Boldin.

4. Fred Bennett.  The Fred went from “this kid might be all right” to “Jesus, we got a steal” in the span of about 8 games last year.  With the force-out rule gone, I look for Fred to be even more of a beast this year.  He’s gonna OWN your punk ass, Roydell!

5. Morlon Greenwood. It’s been documented.

Part 2.

1. Justin Tuck.  Even before his domination of the Patriots (shoulda been MVP of the game), I was digging the Tuck.  He’s a force and, yet, even in NYC he’s underrated.

2. Braylon Edwards.  Like I need to explain this one.

3. Larry Foote.  See #2.

4. Carson Palmer.  He’s cool anyway, but when you come out and say how much you dislike Ohio State, you get bumped WAY up.

5. Charles Woodson. Ok, I’m a homer.  Leave me alone.

We could take up a collection.  Apparently, die-hard Cowboys fans (as well as people who don’t fuck sheep) can buy personalized stones for the walkway around the new stadium.  For $150, you get four lines of text on a brick.  I assume they will weed out shit like “TO’s mom sucks cocks in Hell” and “Hey, Romo, why don’t you die in a fire, you fucking twat?!”  So I suggest someone with a little extra cash should purchase “September 8, 2002.  19-10.  Never forget.” (h/t Deadspin)

All your ESPN are belong to Bulluck.  The Titans’ LB is going to do his best Woody Paige and be on the Leader all day long, spreading the gospel of the Titans or some shit like that.  Whatever.  I post this because Keith throws out “Yeah, we are in a smaller market and we don’t get the notoriety as a team that others do.”  Um, Keith, there is no such thing as a “small market” in football, considering there is a hard cap, total revenue sharing, and league-wide TV contracts.  Fuckin’ idiot. (h/t Eric)

Strategery.  The Texans are “working toward less injuries” this year.  Ignoring the grammatical misstep (it’s “fewer,” not “less,” goddamnit), this seems to be a solid idea.  Honestly, I can see nothing wrong with such a plan. (h/t Eric)

As I write this, the ol’ Sitemeter sits at 99,997, meaning that we will roll that thing over the 100K mark at some point in the next hour or two.  I’d been telling myself that I was going to write some big post celebrating that milestone, but doing that kind of post so close in time to my big discussion on blogging in general seems redundant.  (Besides, I know for a fact that the Sitemeter has crashed at least three times for hours at a time, so we should have rolled over the meter some time last week most likely.  Whatever.)

ANYWAY, instead of doing some kind of big, introspective piece, I thought I would take this chance to offer some thanks to random people reasonably related to this blog.  If you are not on this list, it either means that I don’t like you or that I simply forgot.  Or, I suppose, that I have nothing to thank you for, but I still like you.  You figure it out.

Thanks to bfd for being a fantastic co-blogger and a heckuva person in real life.  He and I have become close enough (in a hetero way) from doing this gig that I don’t feel at all weird referring to him as “my friend.”  He also doesn’t complain when I bombard him with text messages, which is nice.

Thanks to Tim for all sorts of stuff.  Jeez…the man has bought muliple rounds of drinks, hooked a brother up with a ticket to the HOU-TEN game last year, let me crash at his house when I made the trip to H-town to pick up the smoker.  Totally above and beyond.  Also, he doesn’t complain about my million text messages, which seems to be a pre-req for being my friend.

Thanks to Liston for hooking me up with an actual paying gig writing about the Texans.  (I’ll have a more detailed mention of this next week.)

Thanks to stacy for being the first reader of this place to ever email me and cheer me on in the early months.  I really think it wouldn’t have become as good as it has (I’ll leave the actual “goodness level” determination to each of you) were it not for his early urgings.

Thanks to Whitney Pastorek for giving me the chance to help with the Deadspin preview last year and for just being awesome when I pester her via email.

Thanks to beef, SOLIS, and Shake for routinely cracking me up in the comments.  Also, SOLIS gets credit for inspiring me to switch from blogspot to a real host in an effort to keep the Man from censoring me.

Thanks to Eric, without whom the morning Kickoff posts would be WAY more labor-intensive.

Thanks to anyone who has ever emailed me to suggest a story, a picture, or a restaurant, or just to comment on something I said or did.

Thanks to my wife for putting up with her football-obsessed husband blogging away while we watch television.  “No, dear, I can’t feed the baby because someone is wrong on the internet!”

Thanks to any of you who I have met in real life for not kicking me in the nuts or setting me up to stumble into a dark alley where Travis Johnson is hiding.  That’s really cool of you.  Also, any of you who have ever bought me a beer are on the shortlist of people I will give money to should I ever win billions of dollars.

Finally, thanks to everyone other than Douchebag Tom who has ever bothered to comment, even if it was just once.  The comments are what keep me doing it, you know.  (Extra thanks to Dave for being lame awesome enough to be the MOST prolific commenter.  I’m sure he has it on his resume.)

Let’s be honest: their love flows kinda like this….

I {heart} you all,

bfd

PS: Consider this a weekend open thread.

PPS: h/t Boing Boing

Über-commenter Eric came through today with three solid links and a kick ass picture, so this is the all-Eric Kickoff Edition.

Idiot-Proofing The Offseason.  As we’ve seen (Mario Wililams, Jacoby Jones), free time can be dangerous for young players with lots of money.  There’s only so much you can do about that through the winter and spring, but Smithiak have found a way to deal with it during the summer–shorten the amount of freetime by extending summer workouts.

One team subscribing to this theory is Houston. The Texans started their offseason program March 31 and won’t conclude until the week after July 4th, leaving less than two weeks between the end of the program and the start of training camp on July 25. It’s clear Texans GM Rick Smith and coach Gary Kubiak are hoping this wrinkle will pay dividends on the field. In a copycat league, many teams will be looking at the Texans to see how this plays out.

God, let them be smarter than the average Pats fan.  A prediction from a Patriots blog re: AFC South standings.  The Texans’ final record is a thing of beauty, this line about VY is gold. “VY needs to improve his incredibly poor accuracy. He seriously can’t hit a group of shirtless men in a bar.”

Not earth-shaking, but still informative.  A USA Today piece breaking down the offseason changes, the need for people (read: Green, Schaub, Johnson) to stay healthy, and the arrival of Alex Gibbs.

Cannot Approach Reasonable Respectability. Finally, a little flashback humor.

Why did your mom misspell “Roosevelt?”. The newest Houston Texan will be answering questions sometime today in a video interview on HT.com. You can email questions for the interview by following that link. (h/t Eric)

Variations on a theme. Colvin’s video interview on NFL.com.  Worth watching if only for the two hits he puts on Manning.  Besides, if his athleticism doesn’t excite you (*cough*Solis*cough*), you have no soul.  (h/t Eric…again)

Let’s go camping! Tim mentioned this already, but the team has announced the dates of open practices during training camp and, like always, you can get your tickets at local Wachovia banks beginning July 9. Barring something totally unforeseen (like, say, winning the lottery or killing a rich relative), I shan’t be attending this year.  Of course, I didn’t technically attend last year, either.  Stop laughing, jerks.

Seeing the world through Rosy-colored glasses.  Via reader Charlie, we get the breaking news that Rosevelt Colvin is going to sign with the Texans. I plan on doing a bigger post about him and, more importantly, the impact of this signing on our 4-3 later, but I wanted to mention it here as well as point to this post over at Stampede Blue. Suck it, BBS. (Seriously, Greenwood “stinks?”  Do you watch football?)

If the Queen had balls, she’d be the King. Via Eric, a WhatIfSports breakdown of the AFC South.  Guess who they have in last, with a record of 6-10.  Now guess which blogger thinks the person who wrote said article is a cockrag.  That’s right.

Nerd. Recently, the Texans launched ImATexan.com, which is like myspace for Texans fans.  Which, yes, is as awful and lame as it sounds.  Judging from the comments around there, though, I’ve got to give the fans a little credit–they are true believers.  ”I know we’ll win the division this year… 12-4…” “10-6 at the very least.”

Me reed? Finally, just like last year, I return from vacation with a couple book recommendations.  First, for the real dorks in the crowd (read: all you engineering fellows), I present Bad Astronomy.  The author also runs badastronomy.com, and just like at the website, his book breaks down the myths and just plain stupid shit that people believe when it comes to Earth and sky.  Very informative.  Second, I know I am years late on this one, but When Pride Still Mattered is a fantastic book and one every football fan should read.

You must forgive me.  All these years being a sports fan has made me more than a little calloused when it comes to quotes during camps.  I mean, when was the last time you heard a player say something along the lines of:

“The team is a bunch of assholes.  There’s no chemistry at all, and our team is fucked.”

Nope, doesn’t happen.  What we do get is the usual:

“Oh, man, it’s been great. I’ve got great coaches. I’ve got great teammates…

Basically, the linebackers are just all a brotherhood. The whole team is a brotherhood but the linebackers especially, we’re real tight, real close, and if anybody needs help on anything, we’re always there to help each other out.”

Awwwww, isn’t that sweet?  The quote is courtesy of Chaun Thompson, one of our off-season additions (quotes courtesy HoustonTexans.com).

But, wait a minute, is this a little nugget right here?

(on if LB Chaun Thompson will work with the defensive line) “Yeah, once we get going in camp, he’ll go down with (defensive line coach) Jethro (Franklin) and (senior defensive assistant) Frank (Bush) to work on some pass-rush skills and those types of things. He shows the ability to do that, but the thing we don’t want to do is hurt him at linebacker because he’s very competitive in our situation at linebacker right now and I don’t want to take away from that.” - Gary Kubiak, again from HoustonTexans.com

When you consider the depth we have at linebacker - DeMonster, Morlon Greenwood, and Zac Diles as starters with Xavier Adibi, Kevin Bentley, and one of several including UDFA signee Ben Moffitt (h/t 1Texan) as backups - we have some pretty damn good depth at linebacker.  Even if Thompson sees time at LB, it could be in *gasp* blitz packages.  There’s one important thing to remember about Thompson: he’s one extremely fast dude.  Instead of trying to force his talents into a system like the Browns did, it looks like the hometown heroes signed him because he fits our system.

And, frankly, anything that keeps Anthony Weaver off the field until he proves he can collect a single sack is a good thing.

Finally, we all know I’m a University of Texas grad and still live in Austin, right?  OK, well…

Vince Young a couple of days ago:

I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.

Vince Young yesterday (h/t Eric):

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I ain’t never said I was going to quit football,” Young said. “There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, but football is not hard to me. Football is easy. All you have to do is be coachable and use your God-given talent. If it was a thought at all it was just a passing thought for a second.”

You know, I really have no problem with what Ricky Williams did.  Hell, if I could get stoned and travel the world instead of working, I would do that in a second.  But Vince?  Yeah, just, wow.

If there’s one thing on which we can rely on Pancakes (except for cleaning his plate with his tongue), it’s his ability to be the Texans’ stenographer.  In his latest dictation, Pancakes is told that:

Even though (Duane) Brown played left tackle for only one season and offensive tackle for just three seasons at Virginia Tech, he’s going to get a baptismal by fire. In other words, assistant head coach Alex Gibbs and offensive line coach John Benton are going to put him in and let him learn on the run.

*gulp*

I’m not sure how much of this was strategized (heh) by the coaching staff in the off-season because it seems more like happy/life-threatening coincidence than anything else.  However, if the coaches do expect Brown to start right off the bat, then that explains why we kept Rosie Rosenfels, signed Quinn Gray, and drafted Alex Brink.  It could also explain why we’ve been trying to lure Commander Cody Carlson out of retirement {scours Internet for proof of rumor.  Can’t find it.}  Awww, fuck it, you read it here first!

I’m not saying Brown can’t handle LT…in two or three years, that is.  There simply aren’t many college tackles whose names don’t rhyme with Darcus NcPeel who can start and play at a high level in the NFL their rookie season.  That Brown has only been an OL for three years and a LT for one just magnifies the dysfunction of this decision.

Of course, the sense of urgency is driven by the fact that we’ll only get a year or two out of Alex Fucking Gibbs (h/t Steph).  I can’t blame the man for wanting to get his pet into the starting lineup ASAFP, but I’m not looking forward to Brown matching up with Kyle “Baby Eating-Sister Fucker” Vanden Bosch, Dwight “Kitten Crusher” Freeney, and Derrick “Peaches” Harvey twice a year.  Just scary, actually.

Brown is a project, and while I am normally for “trial by fire,” I think that we are taking our QB’s health a little too lightly with this decision.

——–

Echoing Matt, thanks to everybody who stops by to visit.  Life’s been extremely stressful lately, which is why I haven’t been too talkative, but I sincerely appreciate y’all.

——–

Finally, is there a better hard reporter covering the Texans these days than SOLIS?  His work simply embarrasses those who should be doing this kind of reporting for a living (aka, the entire staff of the Comicle).  Well done, man.

This past Saturday, this blog’s first birthday came and went with barely any mention on my part. I am a bad blogparent, I suppose. It’s not that we didn’t realize it was coming; hell, BFD and I tried to come up with some kind of cool promotion/blowout/shameless whoring that would excite all the readers. There was even talk of him table dancing while dressed like Darcy Maeda.Alas, none of it came to pass. We are nothing if not busy. And lazy. Mainly lazy, really.

ANYWAY…I didn’t want to completely miss the chance to say “thanks” to all the readers who have stopped by over the first year. We ended Saturday at just over 85,000 hits–even if you discount the two hits per day I put on that counter (work and home), that is still damn impressive for a little potty-mouthed blog with almost no promotion.

But enough tooting my own horn (which sounds dirty, but isn’t). The point of this post is to thank all of you who read DGDB&D on a daily basis. An extra-special thanks goes out to those of you who have cut-and-paste stuff we’ve written here on other websites and credited us for it and to those of you who email us stories/blurbs/bizarre conversation ideas regularly.

I know I’ve said it before, but allow me to say it again. My biggest thrill from this thing isn’t getting any sort of recognition from national media. I’ll take word of mouth and people who comment regularly over that other stuff any day. You guys are the reason we keep writing and, thankfully, the reason we strive to put out good product any time we post. There is no better editor alive than thirty or forty intelligent commenters who will straight call you out when you are off-base.

Enough of this sappiness. We now return you to your regularly scheduled curse words, already in progress.

Unless you live in a cave on the Internet, or you think newspapers still have a ton of upside, you may have missed this at deadspin.

Look, I know that I’ve gone off on the Jurassic media before. Don’t worry, that’s not my intent here, even though I could easily type 1000 words on the subject.

Yesterday, I saw what one of the best bloggers in the biz, Orson Swindle, had to say. In the spirit of his post, consider this an open thread for questions about me. Yes, it’s ego-centric and arrogant and serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. However, after the Christmas Ape got dooced and this dust-up about the blogosphere and credentials and whatever, I think it’s worth a go - though I can’t exactly go too far.

With apologies to Matt, Steph, and all of you who don’t give a shit, here we go:

Why the fuck do I blog: Because I like to write. I have an undergrad in English from THE University of Texas at Austin. I like to write. I don’t suck at it…too badly. I’d put my body of work against the chron’s any day. I love sports, and I love to talk about sports. Being able to express my opinion is fun. I encourage all opinions at a reasonable level of discourse.

Why do I blog anonymously?: See dooced above. I don’t do this full-time, and I really can’t afford to lose my job. You’ll notice that I don’t talk about my job and I don’t say for whom I work. This is done on purpose. As long as people like Christmas Ape can be fired for no particular reason other than blogging, I am paranoid. Add that I work in a conservative industry, all the more so.

Do I live in my mother’s basement?: No. First, in this part of Texas, there really aren’t any basements. The only known basement is Tim’s mother’s. I live in Austin. In 15 years or less, I will own my house outright. It’s not a big house, but it’s what I like. I live in the middle of the city, but I have awesome views and I can bike to a ton of places.

So, why the fuck is it OK for you to blog?: I never said it was. I blog because I can. I blog because I want to. If blogging is no longer fun - even this post will take an hour to put up - I will quit. Blogging is harder work than it looks. If you don’t believe me, ask Steph of Tim or Hilton. It’s not easy. And when you don’t do it full time, it’s even harder. Still, I love the Texans, and that’s why I’m here (well, that, and Matt’s temporary lack of sanity).

Have you been spayed or neutered?: Why, yes! Yes I have. Thanks for asking. Jerk.

Religion/Politics: I only add this because Orson did, but I am going to skirt the issue a little. Just as I believe all people should be able to express their opinion, they should be able to express their religion. Politically, I am socially liberal and fiscally conservative.

Edumacation: As mentioned, English undergrad with several minors, and I am working toward my MBA (I’ll go into homework mode right after this post).

Career: Not much to say here, but I have been published in over 100 magazines, newspapers, pamphlets, and websites across our great nation (and SE Asia). Unfortunately, I did all this as a ghost writer, so little of it is to my credit. As a special note to Little Dickie Justice, age 12, and Pancakes McClain: I make more than you both do, so bite me. Oh, while in school, I was the co-host for a sports show for three years. So, yes, I know the power of credentials (and they mean SHIT!).

Family: Wife and two kids: a son of 5 and a daughter at 1 1/2.

What do I look like?: Something about like this:

Dramatic Ending: I’ll end on this note. I hate the traditional media. I don’t watch TV, and when I watch sports, I rarely have the sound on. One of my minors is journalism, and somebody on deadspin.com reminded me of this: as a journalist, you are told you are the gatekeeper of information. Hasn’t this gatekeeper mentality gotten us into enough trouble already? That’s why I blog, and it’s why I read blogs. I’m not saying there’s no place for the traditional media - we need somebody to be the stenographer for coaches and managers and players and politicians - but I strongly believe that the best quality of work is at blogs.

Any questions? I’m ready to move away from these inane discussions, but as long as dinosaurs like Buzz Bissinger stalk the earth, these are slightly necessary. Kinda.

/being arrogant ass

I’m feeling a little sappy tonight, so bear with me. First, a shout out to Liston and hope he’s doing well (and toast should always be eaten above the head, when possible). I’d take Liston over about 99% of professional comedy writers. Secondly, total thanks to Eric for doing the leg work on this post.

We’re now a couple of days post-draft hangover (a vicious Zima hangover, if you’re Tim). I’ve already given my take on the draft, so let’s take a tour around the rest of the delightful internetz and get some opinions from the “experts’ on how the Texans performed (and, by “opinions,” remember that if they don’t match ours, they are wrong. Of course.).

Let’s start with the scorched earth version of Emily Post, Texans blogger Steph Stradley. With her harsh, septic take on life, you knew there was no way she could be complimentary of the Texans. She proved this by giving a completely unfair B/incomplete. Perhaps, one day, she will come to embrace life. For now, I just hope Kubiak wasn’t within back-hand distance when Duane Brown’s name was called (You know, after re-reading this paragraph, I think I’m a little bitter about not being invited to this. Steph, this situation at least calls for some in-depth probing. And I promise: it won’t take long at all.).

Dr. Z is one of the few mass media types I enjoy because he’s not afraid to get technical with his audience (why, yes, I adore Ron Jaworski). This is what he said:

Houston Texans: So their venture into the O-line arena in the first round nets them a finesse guy, Duane Brown, after they traded down eight places. What I’ve always felt about this team is that linemen should be brought in by the truckload, not on little tippy toes.

The grammar channeling of a Chron writer aside, I think he sums up well some of my concerns about Brown. He didn’t give a grade, per se, but it wouldn’t be too pretty.

The hair-opshere reference? Oh yeah, that’s gotta be all about Mel Kiper. He gave us one of the worst grades, a “C”, but I don’t fully understand why from his write-up. Fortunately, Kiper has reached the point of that aunt of yours who knows every-little-fucking-thing in the world, but she earns minimum wage at the local car dealership answering phones. Or is that just my family?

ProFootballWeekly doesn’t hand out grades but seriously echoes of Dr. Z with their write-up. Personally, I think it’s a fair summary of our draft.

Jason Cole at Yahoo! Sports gives us a B, but he adds something I hadn’t seen before:

Okam, a former defensive tackle, is likely to shift to guard, a clever move by teams that realize that non-athletic DTs can make for cheap, athletic G’s.

I argue the part about Okam not being athletic, but this is a really interesting take. Evidently, Okam scored a 39 on the Wonderlic. which just kinda verifies what we already knew: he’s a smart MF. I’m not buying the G angle, but it’s something to consider. Props to Cole.

Finally, Gregg Rosenthal and Evan Silva at nbcsports.com give us a B-. They did give the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers a D+, so I think they put some thought behind it.

So, what can we learn from all these grades? Well, nothing. This exercise reminds me of some advice my father never gave me: opinions are like assholes, and yours stinks.

If there is a takeaway from this grade-wankery, it’s that there isn’t a ton of deviation between opinions. Duane Brown was a stretch and he’s a project. We got some bargains at the end of the draft. BFD + cheerleaders = more complimentary write ups. No surprises once you think about it.

Let me end on this. Mike Florio at PFT has a write-up about Kyle Shanahan and Reggie Bush. Now, aside from this sentence of stupidity:

So, basically, Shanahan thinks Bush is a third-down type player. Which is an accurate assessment of him now.

No. I call bullshit. I don’t know many people who actually thought he would be more than that. And the insinuation that Shanahan had anything to do with this pick, which is asinine beyond belief in the context of the 2006 draft, is just silly.

But the rest? Basically, even though we all know that Shanahan is Chris Simms’ bitch, I have a little place in my heart for him.

Edit: Completely remiss if I don’t add this must-read article by SOLIS on Super Steve Slaton.

Well, it’s all done but the crying. I gotta admit that I’m still disappointed that we lost out on DRC (note to self: do a better job discrediting who we want next year), and I will forever hate the Cards because of it. Or something. That said, I’m gonna throw up (sic) some grades for our draft this year, and I would love to hear your feedback. I’m not going to do any purposeful agitating a la Little Dickie Justice, age 12. I’m going to try and be as honest as possible with my subjectivity and objectivity.

1st Round (#26 overall): Duane Brown, LT, Virginia Tech.  I originally wasn’t too excited, and then I slipped quickly into acceptance. Considering he was taken with the 26th pick of the 1st Round, it’s definitely an over-draft. That we traded back eight places and still got the guy we allegedly wanted the entire time earns some points, though. For now, it’s a bit of a wash on the good and bad, and I am still worried about his ability to have a short-term impact on the team, so I will go with a Grade B. No, not great. I think it’s average right now, and it’s a full grade higher because of the trade down and acquisition of additional picks. Mr. Brown and Smithiak are certainly welcome to make me eat that grade, however.

3rd Round #1 (#79 overall): Antwaun Molden, CB, Eastern Kentucky. curtisdisco had some good things to say about Molden at BRB, and if you check out the entire thread, the guy is definitely a work-out fiend. Seriously, the guy seems to be a slightly lesser version of DRC: small school and huge combine numbers. Considering what the guy has had to deal with as a human, and how *pissed* he was at his badass workouts, I am prepared to go JJ on him. Grade B+.

3rd Round #2 (#89 overall): Steve Slaton, RB, West Virginia. I do worry he’ll be a Chris Perry at the highest level due to his size and seeming inability to run between the tackles, but he definitely has game-changing ability. Used in the proper role, I can see him excelling. Grade B+. I do think we need to set realistic expectations that he is not a true #1 RB, but I have no problem with that, either.

4th Round (#118 overall): Xavier Adibi, OLB, Virginia Tech. Here’s my take…so, we didn’t take a DE in this draft, yet I believe it to be a serious area of need. We signed Chaun Thompson, who could line-up at DE as a serious speed rusher. Yes, that’s where I am going with this. Chaun will see a lot of time opposite Mario at DE, and I have absolutely no problem with this. Chaun *is* 6′2″, 250lbs, so he’s not terribly undersized. But if he can become a demon off the outside, yeah, I’m liking this.

As for Adibi, as I said previously, I see a lot of Morlon Greenwood. Others in the Draft Thread said DeMeco, but that’s a little too far for me. And again with the b0ng hit of Adibi. He’ll definitely challenge Zach Diles and Kevin Bentley at SAM. An interesting pick with some seriously high upside. Grade A-. As stupid as this may sound, if any of our picks have a big impact in 2008, I think it’s most likely to be Adibi.

5th round (#151 overall): Frank Okam, DT, The University of Texas at Austin…bitchez. Yes, an alum from my beloved alma mater. And, yes, I am super-excited about this pick (though not as excited as Tim). He has a first-class body, a top-of-the-class mind, but he has the motor of a moped. He also needs some serious work on his technique. The worst thing about him is his ability to disappear for stretches, but when he’s on, he’s Shaun Rogers good (when his engine is running, of course).

Going into the 2007 season, I thought Okam would be a legit 1st round pick. That he slid is more of an indictment of the motor, technique, and (oh yeah!) conditioning than it is anything else. A motivated Okam would be an absolute steal and the acquisition of a 1st rounder in the 5th. Grade A-.

6th round (#173 overall): Dominique Barber, S, Minnesota. I just don’t understand this pick. We took Molden, we have enough DBs to hold up against Andre Ware, and we took the slowest S on the board? I mean, I think even I could hang with this guy in the 40 (20 years ago). Look, he may be Marion’s brother, but I hate that SOB. Grade D.

7th round (#223 overall): Alex Brink, QB, Washington State. I watched only about half of one WSU game this year, and I don’t have much of an image of Brink. He’s mobile but smallish, and he definitely has a “West Coast Offense” kinda arm, which means it ain’t the strongest. I will reiterate that I believe that Kubiak carries three QBs on the active roster, and Brink will be practice squad fodder. Grade who cares.

Overall Grade:

I think we are seeing a trend of sorts with Smithiak, which is taking safer picks in the earlier rounds and going for the homerun in later rounds. I’m OK with this. Brown, for all the smack, was a fairly safe pick. Mario and DeMeco were a fairly safe picks. In 2007, ManChild was an easy call and not a gamble, but they went Jacoby Jones in the 3rd, Fred Bennett in the 4th, and Brandon Frye in the 5th (looking forward to seeing him in the summer).

This draft just seems similar to me. A safer pick at the line early (Brown vs. Okoye), l33t skill position in the 3rd (Slaton vs. JJ [nod to JJ here, though]), a DB with upside (Bennett vs. Molden) in there, and another lineman with talent in the 5th (Okam vs. Frye).

Overall, I give this draft a very sold B+ with a greater possibility of upside than not. Molden and/or Okam could make this grade an “A” by themselves, much less Brown or Slaton. I’m excited.

You didn’t think I was going to let this slip by, sans comment, did you? It seems a certain group of incestual infantivores have been buying copious amount of hydro green green from a Nashville drug dealer.

An undetermined number of Tennessee Titans players regularly purchased high-dollar, hydroponically grown marijuana in ounce quantities from a Nashville drug dealer, according to court records recently filed in the drug case of a former Nashville police officer sentenced to federal prison.

Of course, in typical, Titans-players-are-dumber-than-shit fashion, it seems they were paying for less weed than they were actually getting.

Corey Cecil was asked about the transactions, “The people that were sending you those wire transfers were connections that you had made on the streets when you more or less were a hydroponic marijuana dealer to the stars; is that right?”

Cecil asked Strianse what he meant by “To the stars,” and the attorney replied, “Tennessee Titans players, you would set them up with ounce quantities of high-quality hydroponic?”

Cecil then replied, “Yes, sir.”

Cecil also confirmed in questioning that he was “pinching out” seven grams of each ounce and selling it to the players as a full ounce with the Titans players unaware of being shortchanged.

According to Cecil’s testimony in the transcript, he would purchase the marijuana for approximately $650 per ounce, then after removing the seven grams, would sell the drug for “Like a grand.”

Let’s do some quick math: 1 oz. equals roughly 28 grams, so $650/oz = $23.21/gram. He pinched out 7 grams, so he was selling roughly $488 worth of weed for $1000. Either Cecil is the greatest marketer in the whole world, or it was clear to him that he was dealing with some total idiots.

Oh, wait.

(h/t Eric.)

Our good friend Eric, who obviously has a particular man-crush on Pacman (as in, an anti-man-crush), sent along a couple of links.  For your viewing pleasure:

PFT reporting that Pacman {hearts} Jerry Jones.  And, you know, who doesn’t?*

And this?  Well, this just kicks ass.  Though, I gotta admit: this one reminds me of just about every day of college.  Cept for the money.

* Unless you aren’t a mentally unstable psychopath.

In a move that will almost certainly bring the internets to a Hindenburg-like demise, the derelicts responsible for this blog present you, the reader, with…

DGDB&D: The Message Board!

That’s right, childrens, it’s a message board for (and by) readers of this little corner of the blogiverse.  I see it as Texans Talk, but without the pesky “rules.”  In fact, much like this place, the only rule is don’t be a complete douchebag (*cough*Tom*cough*).   Other that that, it should be like Lord of the Flies up in that bitch.

What are you waiting for?  Go login and post something!

A couple of links this morning for your chuckling pleasure.

Evidently, Sage Rosenfels wants to be a starter. No, ya think? When I was a little kid growing up, playing football on the street in the middle of the summer in 105 degree weather, I used to dream about the day I’d be on the bench backing up a great quarterback as he won the Super Bowl. I would hold a clipboard like nobody’s business.

I know Steph calls these the “warm and fuzzy” articles with a side of leg hug, but I again feel like my brain has been assaulted by a Ukrainian egg blower through my nose. Yes, he wants to be a starter. Sadly, I think he has a better chance of that as a ViQueen rather than as a Texan. But before this year, Rosie had only 150 passing attempts, and this year he turns 30. Now, he’s definitely better than a certain division rival’s QB, but I still don’t think Rosie is of starting quality due to less-than-average arm strength and his tendency to throw poorly timed picks. Regardless, 2007 will be his career year, and you sell high. In other words, take the third rounder for him and be happy.

Cuz if the ViQues think that Gus Frerotte is the answer, they deserve to suck.

In an article that actually has some marginal meat on a rag’s marginal bones, Megan Manfull has some notes from Thursday’s workout. Now, if there’s an area where the Comicle has us dirty effing bloggers beat, it’s because I can’t take off work, drive to Houston, and watch practice. So well done, Megan.

I get two nuggets from this post. First, Barbaro Spencer lives! I would’ve liked to know an approximate weight, or how he looked physically in general. Or if he was walking around with a bucket of Popeye’s. The May OTAs will be huge for him, and here’s hoping he’s in shape.

Megan also reports that Dunta Robinson is running (in the comments section), calling it “quite a feat.” Because there is a widespread “misinformation” regarding knee and leg injuries, allow me to med-head for a moment. Even though Dunta’s injury was devastating, we are about five months post surgery. Getting to the point of straight-line running is actually fairly easy. The tough part is retraining your body, and gaining the confidence, to make cuts. That a player is running may also give a false confidence that the hard part of rehab is done, which, again, just isn’t true. I’m speaking from personal experience on this issue, so no sourcing. So while this is good news, it would be extremely troubling if he wasn’t running yet.

I still think we need to hedge our bets and look to CB in the draft…just in case.

h/t to Eric for links this morning. For the record, as busy as things are these days, he’s saving my sorry ass. So a public thanks to you, Eric.

What can I say? I love my peeps. Read this blog? You are my peeps.

To show my love, I could either give you a special leg hug a la DiehardChris, but I reserve that touch for my wife (and the Texans Twins, natch). Or, I could give you something of incredible rarity and value, all for the super special low price of….free!

That’s right, my peeps, I present you with old Houston Oilers songs. Now, the quality is teh suck, for which I apologize. I acquired all of these 45s in person at Oilers games in the 70s and 80s, and I still have the records. I used a 1960s record player to rip these to mp3, though I am working on borrowing some updated equipment to re-rip, but it might be some time (and I’ll rip them to flac).

I love my readers.

Enjoy!

Oiler Cannonball - Carl Mauck
I’m Sorry Blue - Debbie Reeves
Super Bowl Itch - Kenny Burroughs
Big Bad Earl - Tom Cantrell
and, of course, Houston Oilers #1 - Lee Ofman

Also, since I know that the Chron will be here shortly to steal these and post them there, taking full credit: you suck, and your entire operation sucks. Fuck you.

{Hugs},

bfd

PS: Though the site isn’t fully ready for prime time just yet, several old Houston Astros rips will be posted to our new baseball site Warning Track Power. We’ll have an official announcement a bit later about this new endeavor.