Inactives - “The stupid, it burns!” Edition
Oct 26, 2008 2008 Season, H/T Eric, Inflamed body parts
Texans inactives are:
11 WR André Davis
34 S Dominique Barber
52 LB Xavier Adibi
64 G Kasey Studdard
87 TE Mark Bruener
97 DT Frank Okam
94 DE N.D. Kalu
78 T Rashad ButlerChanges to the Texans’ starting lineup: DeMarcus Faggins will start at left cornerback for Fred Bennett. Nick Ferguson will start at free safety for Will Demps.
Does anybody know if Okam is doing Smith’s wife or something?
h/t Eric via Scurfield.
Church
Sep 16, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, I ask that you wash it first, I really need a different hobby, Inflamed body parts, Kevin Bentley, Too far?, Travis Johnson, What the fuck?, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Methodist Practice Bubble parking lot, September 19, 2008, after practice
Kevin Bentley: (jogging) William! William! Do hold on a moment, William!
Will Demps: Will Demps is not very fond of talking to your pretty, er, ugly ass. Besides, there’s a good chance some random bitches are waitin’ for Will Demps back at, um, Will Demps’s crib, ya dig? Make it fast, mofo.
Bentley: Well, William, I was just going to suggest that, now that we’ve both made the team and, more importantly, now that Hurricane Ike has given us some perspective on the important things in life—things like family, love, community, and the need for proper skin care in inclimate weather—perhaps we should call off this entire wager.
Demps: The fuck you mean “call it off?!” Motherfucker, Will Demps is going full dick ahead with this bet! Will Demps is going to drive your cockblocking ass out this town, holmes! Will Demps is going to ball Rhonda Kubiak so good, SHE be callin’ you up to tell you Will Demps won the bet. Ain’t no calling it off, brothaman.
Bentley: William, I fear you might have gotten concussed in our competition against Pittsburgh, as you do not seem to be thinking all that clearly. What makes you think your odds of winning a bet in which you’ve been a decided underdog from the outset have somehow improved of late?
Demps: What makes…odds? I, er, Will Demps ain’t got no clue what the fuck you’re jibba-jabberin’ about. But if you askin’ why I’m going to win, take a look in the mirror. You look like you done gained fiddyleven pounds. You fat, dawg. Not P-H-A-T like Kim Kardashian’s ass, either. Straight F-A-T. Will Demps is still a sexy ebony god with fifteen inches of throbbing black Jesus.
Bentley: Silly William, I gained a small amount of weight on purpose. I have neither the time nor the patience to explain the mathematics to you right now, but rest assured that my increased mass gives me more power when I tackle and makes me an even better player.
Demps: On special teams, bitch.
Bentley: Point taken, William. Of course, were I to decide I wanted to play defensive back, I am sure I’d have no problem out-performing the disastrous results you and C.C. provided against Pittsburgh. Tell me, William, is it customary to give wide receivers a fourteen yard cushion when they are at the five-yard line?
Demps: Fuck you, dude.
Bentley: Charming. So, you really do not plan to give this wager a rest?
Demps: Hell naw, Chubb-o.
Bentley: Fine. Then consider yourself forewarned—with your play, it will not be a huge blow to anyone when you leave after I bed our target.
Demps: And, um, consider yourself forewhatevered—Will Demps taps ass.
Bentley: …
Demps: That’s right!
Bentley: (looking over Demps’ shoulder) Not to change the subject, William, but is that an ass I see over in Travis’s vehicle?
Demps: That’s Travis’s ass, dude!
Bentley: And you know that…nevermind.
[Both run over to the truck, where Travis Johnson is having sex with Rhonda Kubiak]
Demps and Bentley: WHAT THE FUCK?!?
Travis Johnson: (rolling down window, but without breaking his stroke) The fuck you frilly faggots want?
Rhonda Kubiak: Oh oh oh oh god oh fuck yes god holy cock yes oh fuck oh jesus oh mandingo oh pound that snizz you big, black stallion!!!! THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY SNIZZ!!!!
Demps: Will…Will Demps…um…Will don’t…
Bentley: What my semi-literate friend means is ‘How in the world did you get her to have sexual intercourse with you!?!’
Johnson: (stroking) Because, Ass Pirate Roberts, Travis Johnson fucks bitches. He don’t act like one. While y’all busy tweezing and buffing, I gots hoes skeezing and sucking. Ya feel me?
Kubiak: I feel you! I feel you! Holy Christ, it’s so big I can taste it!
Bentley: B-b-but…I have seventeen and a half inches of manhood! I know you don’t have that!!!
Johnson: (stroking) Nope, Cockbreath, I sure don’t. But I have something better.
Bentley: What’s that?
Kubiak: (nearly out of breath) His dick is…consecrated by the God! So this…isn’t…OH GODDAMN…YES, BIG DADDY…KNOCK THE LINING OUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER…isn’t a sin!
Johnson: (stroking) That’s right. I told y’all there was a reason for having the Pope conse– consecr– bless my shit. Married bitches always be looking for that loophole so they can indulge they fantasies. I gots the ultimate loophole, Nancy!
Bentley: (shaking head, muttering as he walks off) This just…it doesn’t make sense…I was supposed to be knocking that lining out of her motherfucker. (looks back over shoulder) C’mon, William. I’ll buy you a lapdance at Centerfolds.
Demps: Will Demps says the bet is over.
Bentley: (patting him on the shoulder) I know, William. I know.
Johnson: (yelling after them) Wait! Don’t y’all wanna watch this bitch get baptized?!? (to Rhonda) Open up, ho…you ’bout to taste some religiousness up in here!
All-Time Texans Team - Defense - DT
Aug 20, 2008 All-Time Texans, Amobi Okoye is an adult, Awfulness, Frank Okam is an evil genius, Inflamed body parts, Tremendous Busts
You saw the previous discussion of the paucity of talent at defensive end. You sobbed silently at your desk while discussing free safeties and strong safeties. You were sure the worst was behind us. But wait, there’s less!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to talk about Defensive Tackle.
Now, if you’ve been reading this blog for more than about a week, you know that I scream and rant and rave about the need to differentiate between the Nose Tackle and the Under Tackle as two wholly different positions in the 4-3. And I would love to do that here. Unfortunately, even though the team ran a 3-4 for YEARS, Frank Okam is the first true two-gap NT we’ve ever had and he’s yet to play a real game, so I can’t hardly just pick him and move on. Thus, unfortunately, the DTs are getting lumped together.
The candidates:
Seth Payne
Steve Martin
Travis Johnson
Anthony Maddox
Amobi Okoye
*looks at list, throws up*
While he could have been a solid under tackle, Seth Payne was in no way, shape or form a nose tackle, even in a 4-3. Yet he played the position for years in a 3-4. Which goes a LOOOOOONG way toward explaining Jamie Sharper’s ridiculous tackle numbers. Now, to be fair to Payne, he busted his ass for us and played surprisingly well ok. His nine sacks, two forced fumbles, and 196 tackles over five seasons are not HOF numbers, but they are certainly better than nothing.
Despite being almost heavy enough to look like a nose tackle on television, Steve Martin made Seth Payne look like Casey Hampton. (Side note: That 2003 line of Corey Sears, Steve Martin, and Jerry DeLoach might be the worst front three ever assembled.)
Travis Johnson. Bah. In three years (24 starts), Johnson has 1 sack, 1 INT, 78 tackles, and 6 passes defended. He has never once forced or recovered a fumble. I’m not even sure how that is possible as a nose tackle, but whatever. But, hey, at least we didn’t waste a high draft pick on him! Oh…damn.
Anthony Maddox—a man who was delivering furniture when the Texans called him for a tryout and who only started 3 games last year because he lost his starting gig—has 4 career sacks, a FF, a FR, a 47-yard TD on that recovery, and 53 tackles. Which makes him better than Steve Martin and Travis Johnson combined.
Amobi Okoye had 5.5 sacks, 32 tackles, and a forced fumble in his only season. This despite it being painfully clear that he hit a real wall around week 12, which is what happens when you are drafted at 19 freakin’ years old.
Result: I am going with Seth Payne and Amobi Okoye for the all-timers.
*Note: I intentionally left out the guys who are really DEs but would move inside on occasion like Weaver and Smith.
A Tuesday Afternoon Link Dump Because I Am Far Too Lazy To Write A Real Post
Aug 19, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Colts Shmolts, Inanity, Inflamed body parts, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong
(Many of these links are courtesy of Eric. I leave it to you to figure out which ones.)
Variations on a theme. There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, there’s transcendent comedy, and then there’s a thread BE-SF fans trying to decide if Vince Young might just not be quite as good as they think. My favorite line from the thread: “Anybody that has the chance to have Young close at practices…please tell him that is time to wake up from the Lhorns dreamy land goal got…and get this working as soon as possible… ” I’m not totally sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure it’s not good.
Yikes. Keith Weiland with a grim reminder of our failings in signing free agents. There’s not much to say other than “GUH.”
David Anderson. ‘Nuff said.
This is good news. Remember back right after Manning had the bursa sack removed when his supporters (douchebags, the lot of ‘em) were laughing about the rest of us speculating that Manning might miss regular season games? “Morons! Scaredy bitches! Of course he will be back! He’ll be ready to kick your ass Week 1!” Well, it seems like things aren’t quite so certain at this point. He “hopes” to be ready. They think he’s on schedule. There is talk that he might practice next week…or maybe not…who knows? My own guess: He misses week 1, then struggles to shake some rust off in weeks 2-4. And then we beat the Colts. There, I said it.
Kickoff
Jun 17, 2008 2008 Season, Awfulness, Colvin, History, I really dig my readers, Inflamed body parts, Kickoff, Preseason 2008
Why did your mom misspell “Roosevelt?”. The newest Houston Texan will be answering questions sometime today in a video interview on HT.com. You can email questions for the interview by following that link. (h/t Eric)
Variations on a theme. Colvin’s video interview on NFL.com. Worth watching if only for the two hits he puts on Manning. Besides, if his athleticism doesn’t excite you (*cough*Solis*cough*), you have no soul. (h/t Eric…again)
Let’s go camping! Tim mentioned this already, but the team has announced the dates of open practices during training camp and, like always, you can get your tickets at local Wachovia banks beginning July 9. Barring something totally unforeseen (like, say, winning the lottery or killing a rich relative), I shan’t be attending this year. Of course, I didn’t technically attend last year, either. Stop laughing, jerks.
Kickoff
Jun 10, 2008 2008 Season, Barbaro is dead, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, Inflamed body parts, Kickoff, Rick Smith, Super Mario, Travis Johnson explains things
Duane Brown: Matt and I have talked about linking and talking less to and about the Comicle. However, since Jerome Solomon wrote this one, I’ll make an exception.
“Never Satisfied”: No, this isn’t a story by my wife. It’s about Mario’s new attitude. Eric sent both of these in, and as he said, it’s funny that nobody can do a story about Mario without mentioning Eric Metcalf Jr. and VY. Still, it’s a national piece by an AP reporter, which must mean something positive, right? Right???
Some (slightly meaningful) OTA quotes this morning:
Rick Smith: (on what cutting Gray says about QB Shane Boyd) “You know what, it says that Shane is making progress. It’s saying that Alex Brink is making progress. We’ve got some young quarterbacks that we really like that are doing a decent job and we feel comfortable with those guys going into training camp.” Comment: Yawn. Boyd may make the active roster, but, after we cut Gray, I’m leaning toward that we have two quarterbacks active on game day, not three.
Rick Smith: (on what the team will do with T/G Charles Spencer) “Well, we don’t know. We’ve got a lot of conversations to have between now and training camp. His rehab process has gone slow, and we had hoped that it would have been a little bit better at this point and so from a lot of standpoints, that’s a little disappointing. But we’re going to continue to be patient with Charles and give him every opportunity that we can to make it back.” Comment: Hello, PUP.
Rick Smith: (on DT Travis Johnson) “Travis is going to be fine. He’s rehabbing and he’s responding well to the treatment and so we expect that he’s going to be ready to go.” Comment: Travis went to the Crystal Pistol and personally asked every fifth dancer to inspect his groin for damage.
Coach Kubiak: (on negotiations with LB Rosevelt Colvin) “We are still talking to him. I think we are still a part of his decision process. We will wait to see what happens.” Comment: This is essentially what Rick Smith said, too. That they are being coy is not surprising, and hopefully it’s a good sign.
Got a super busy real-job day today, so play nicely amongst yourselves. Leg hugs for everybody!
Edit: Oops, used Stacy’s link on the Mario story, not Eric’s. They both sent it. Carry on.
Do you, Zaire, take this man and his blessed cock…
May 30, 2008 Blasphemy, Corky Johnson, Got that cheeba, Inflamed body parts, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit
Travis Johnson’s wedding photos.
Not pictured: whatever “incident” caused the pelvic inflamation, though I assume it involved a bridesmaid, an empty champagne bottle, and some sticky Bahamian weed.
Oww.
May 30, 2008 Hydrocodone, Inflamed body parts, Self-Referential Stuff
I had my gall bladder removed yesterday. Seriously. So I am sore and tired (and the top of my pubes itches like crazy where they had to shave me). I am also all hopped up on hydrocodone, which is a fine way to spend one’s Friday.
As an aside, though you certainly wouldn’t know it by my health history since I started this blog, I have always been a fairly healthy individual. In fact, prior to the migraine episode in Houston back in July, I hadn’t been sick at all for nearly 5 years. Somehow, then, I think all of this is Tim’s fault.
OTA Transactions
May 22, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Inflamed body parts, Ron Dayne likes pie
Yes, this post is the height of laziness, so just bite me. Consider this post link free!*
The Texans made a couple of moves today, though they are about as Earth-shattering as the time I went to that all-guys shirtless party and met this wonderful lad named…..
Oops.
Sadly, the Texans won’t have a psychotic killing doll on the team as Chukky Okobi was placed on IR. This is his age 30 season, which means it’s doubtful he ever returns, which is kinda sad. Chukky was a fine prospect until his neck injury, and I would’ve loved to see his hard-nosed style lead the offensive line.
We signed Tim Carter! WHEE!!!! The WR is fast as hell, but he couldn’t catch a cold and would probably wind up on the IR if he did. I admit to having a bit of that Al Davis/speed infatuation in me, and here’s another case where I was really fucking wrong. Oh well. Carter won’t last long.
What I most want to mention is that the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers are bringing in Ron “If you cut me, do I not bleed custard?” Dayne for a little talkie talkie. In my harsh opinion, bringing Dayne back into the fold as a RB would have been an epic fail on the part of the Texans. At 452 pounds, Dayne should at least know to fall forward, but he couldn’t. I thank him for his time and effort, but he was done a couple of years ago.
In response to this news, every “House of Pies” in Houston is flying their flag at half-mast, though many kitchen workers are happy for the break.
* Source: the absolutely indispensable rotoworld.com
Goodbye Stranger
May 22, 2008 Anna-Megan is retarded, Dancing With the 'Tards, Fake Conversations with Real People, I had to use Google for the JR's joke I swear, Inanity, Inflamed body parts, This might have crossed a line...but so what?, Travis Johnson, Vince Young can't read this post
Game Show Host: Aaaaaand, we’re back! It’s time for the lightning round. You all know how this works; You pick a category, I ask a question and, if you get it right, I ask you another one. If you get it wrong, the next person gets a chance to answer. The first person to answer five correct wins. Travis, as the only person without a negative dollar amount following round one, you get to go first. Please choose from General Knowledge, Human Anatomy, and Authors.
Travis Johnson: General Knowledge.
Host: OK…name the first President of the United States.
Johnson: George Washington–
Host: Correct!
Johnson: Carver.
Host: Um…incorrect. Ms. Raley, your question.
Anna-Megan Raley: What?
Host: It’s your turn to answer the question.
Raley: What question?
Host: Name the first President of the United States.
Raley: Sam Houston.
Host: Ugh. No. Vince, please, who was the first president of the United States?!
Vince Young: Oh, that’s that dude on the dollar bills I put down those strippers pants at JR’s. Oh, what’s his name…um…Washington! Yeah, George Washington!
Host: Correct! Next question: In the equation 2x+4=6, what does x stand for?
Young: X? Hold up! This is a trick question, dawg. X is a letter, not a number!
Host: Good god. I mean, seriously…sweet holy Jesus. Travis?
Johnson: (dancing to music no one else hears) Word.
Host: What does X stand for?
Johnson: Shoot, I dunno…one?
Host: Wow…that’s right! OK, what is the capital of Texas?
Johnson: Ha, that’s easy, dude! The letter T!
Host: What? Oh. No. Anna-Megan?
Raley: (two octaves higher) Uh huh!
Host: Ow. What is the capital of Texas?
Raley: AUSTIN!!!!!
Host: Yes, but please calm down. You still have to answer four more to win, ok?
Raley: OK!
Host: (sighing) Jesus. In the sentence, “the dog bit the cat,” what part of speech is “dog?”
Raley: I love dogs! What color is he?!
Host: WHAT PART OF SPEECH IS THE WORD “DOG?”
Raley: The tail?
Host: (stares blankly at Anna-Megan)
(stares)
(stares)
(considers the sweet release of death)
Host: Moving on…Vince, what part of speech is “dog?”
Young: (removes shirt) A noun, dude.
Host: I honestly have no idea how you knew that, but correct!
(bell rings)
Host: Oh, we are running short on time! That means it only takes THREE correct answers to win the lightning round. Vince, if you can answer this, you will win. How many sides are there on a dodecahedron?
Young: I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout dinosaurs.
Host: (muttering) Goddamnit. Travis, dodecahedron, sides?
Johnson: It burns when I pee.
Host: (eyes fill with tears)
(stabs self in the chest with pocket knife)
(dies)
Johnson: Whoa. That’s some fucked up shit there, dude. (looks at Raley and Young) Yo, Vince, you wanna stuff this broad like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs?
Young: (rubbing nipples) Nah, dawg. You know I don’t get down like that. (realizes what he said) Um, with, uh, white women. Yeah, that’s it. Nothing to do with guys at all…no, no sir, not me. Not that, like, there’s anything wrong with that, but, you know, I ain’t, um, like that…
Johnson: Whatever. (to Raley) Yo, bitch, you ever get yo’ shit rocked by a big ol’ dude like me?
Raley: Puh-lease…how do you think I GOT my job? Let’s go back to your place and I’ll show you why they called me “Ol’ Three Hole” in college. (pauses) You’re wearing a condom though…Lord knows I don’t need another inflamed elvis.
A post wherein I rip on some things I hate
May 21, 2008 Fuck the Cowboys, Had to post something, Inflamed body parts, Overrated, Travis Johnson, Vince Young can't read this post
Dallas Cowboys. You know what I would do if I’d just made a big deal about landing Darren McFadden Lite in the first round of the NFL Draft? I’d turn around and give ANOTHER RB on my team $45 MM ($16 MM guaranteed). Yep, and I’d do this even though, for whatever reason, that RB was not even the starter for most of last season. Then I’d feel really good about this move when that RB’s agent said, [n]ow that he’s going to be the starter and one of the highest-paid players at his position, you’ll see his coming-out party,” suggesting that, had I paid him better earlier, I might not have needed to draft the second RB.
(Yes, I know that the “explanation” as it were is that “you need two RBs in this league,” though I seriously doubt the people who say that are suggesting that you need two highly-paid RBs, both of whom feels he should be the starter. Moreover, I’m not entirely sure that you need two starter-quality RBs at all. Sure, it’s nice, but the Pats have gotten by without two just fine. The Colts are a strange situation because they block so well that scrubs suddenly become solid starters. And it’s not like the Cowboys–who had a two-headed RB the last two years–have fared all that well when it really mattered.)
As a pre-emptive aside, if any Cowboys fans are reading this and feel the need to comment with something like “TRY GETING TO TEH PLAYOFS BEFOR U TALK SHIT,” please remember three things: (1) your team has won exactly as many playoffs games as the Texans during the Texans’ existence; (2) while you have made the playoffs, all you’ve done is this: 
; and (3) your mother is a worthless whore.
Tennessee Titans. I know this is old, but I can’t stop laughing at the “Vince Young partying with other half-naked drunk dudes” photos. My favorite is this one–
–mainly because Elroy the Naked Fat Redneck seems to be cracking that one dude up while Vince plays shy and hard-to-get. “Oh, these tats…yeah…I just…I dunno…I think they kind of make a statement about who I am. Say, that’s a nice beard/shaved head thing you’ve got workin’.”
Travis Johnson. “Inflamed pelvis?” Really??? AWESOME! (For comedic-writing purposes, not for your day-to-day well-being.) I guess that dick isn’t quite so holy, huh? You got gypped by the Pope!
