This satisfies my obligation to talk about Super Bowl-related stuff
Jan 31, 2008 Awesomeness, Bob McNair, Fuck the Cowboys, Had to post something, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Super Bowl 2011, Super Bowl 2012, The Future
Ever since it was awarded to them, I have thought how incredibly funny and awesome it would be to win our first Super Bowl in 2011 at the Cowboy’s new stadium in Arlington. I mean, seriously, the thought of Cowboys country having to deal with the throng of Texans fans all week long and then having to watch our team celebrate on their new field? Wow…I got a little movement just thinking about it.
That said, if for whatever reason we don’t win the Super Bowl that year, winning it the very next would be almost as sweet if Houston is hosting it. Bob McNair must be thinking the same thing.
“When I received the bid specifications from the NFL, I circulated them to leaders in the community to get their response,” said Robert C. McNair, chairman and CEO of the Houston Texans. “Their response was an overwhelming and totally-committed ‘YES, we want to bring the 2012 Super Bowl to Houston!’ With that, I said I would totally support our community’s efforts. Also, fuck the Cowboys.”
I like where his head is at. That’s a straight-shooter with upper management written all over him.
The article also lists Houston’s qualifications to host another Super Bowl, calling the last one a “huge success” before noting that,
in addition to Reliant Park, Houston will offer the George R. Brown Convention Center – another Houston convention center with nearly one million square feet of exhibit space, plus dozens of other city-owned and privately-owned facilities for the NFL’s use.
With two international airports, thousands of hotel rooms, Tim’s mom’s basement, world-renowned restaurants and retail experiences, and some of the finest sports and convention facilities in the world, there are no NFL requirements that Houston cannot meet or exceed.
Indeed.
NFL to Mario Williams: Fuck you.
Jan 24, 2008 2007 Season, Anger, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Pro Bowl 2008, Righteous Indignation, Super Mario, Too soon?
With Jason Taylor injured and skipping out on the Pro Bowl, it seemed as if the gross injustice of Mario Williams being left off the roster was about to rectified. Just like it once seemed that Heath Ledger had a long, distinguished career ahead of him.
Instead, the powers that be have decided that Aaron Schobel will replace Taylor, leaving Mario still on the outside looking in. I will give someone a bright, shiny quarter if he or she can explain to me how Schobel’s 6.5 sack, 95 tackle season makes him a more deserving Pro Bowler than Mario Williams. There’s an extra quarter in it if you can explain it without using “because Schobel went down on Roger Goodell and swallowed.”
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor!
Sep 12, 2007 2007 Draft, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Teams that aren't the Texans, Winner winner chicken dinner
Ah, week 2. Before you know it, Halloween will be here, the Browns will have been eliminated from playoff contention, and Trent Green will have a concussion. It’s all as regular as the tides. For now, however, in the final days of summer, the only thing you get are my half-assed game predictions.
Last week: 9-6
Season: 9-6
Week 2 Picks
Cincinnati @ Cleveland. Let’s see… the Browns gave up 34 points (including 4 passing TDs for Ben Roethlisberger) last week. And, last I checked, the Bengals had a much better passing attack than do the Steelers. Over/under on the number of heteroquestionable pictures we see of Brady Quinn this week? 21.5. Pick: Cincinnati
Indianapolis @ Tennessee. OK, so I was WAY off about the Titans’ ability to move the ball last week. I admit it. I still don’t know why the Jags didn’t stack the box and force Vince (11-18, 72 YDS, INT) to beat them with his arm, but whatever. This week, the Colts come to town armed with (a) two WRs that Tennessee won’t be able to stop and (b) a faster defense. Vince took a couple sacks last week, but he’ll taste Dwight Freeney’s this week. Pick: Indy
San Francisco @ St. Louis. For the last time… it was an end around that the Niners used against Arizona, not a friggin’ reverse. [/kicking Barbaro] Now that we have that out of the way, can I point out just how awful St. Louis looked last week? Sure, Jackson won’t fumble twice every week or get your fantasy team zero points (jerk), but losing Orlando Pace isn’t exactly going to improve the passing game. And this “revamped” St. Louis defense (186 rushing yds and 20 first downs allowed) isn’t likely to slow down Frank Gore. Pick: San Francisco
Green Bay @ New York Giants. As a general rule, if you are the type of person who would come into an occupied room and eat Gardettos without demonstrating the slightest concern for just how loudly you are chewing, I probably hate you. Just sayin’. Pick: Green Bay
Buffalo @ Pittsburgh. I’m still angry that so many random “power” rankings have us below Buffalo this week, so fuck them. Pick: Pittsburgh.
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay. After last week, people were fleeing the Saints’ bandwagon like rats from a flooding French Quarter. (Too soon?) After this week, a lot of them will come back like hookers and bums to a rebuilt Bourbon St. This game presents a great chance for everyone’s favorite second-string RB to try and improve on his yards/carry and maybe, you know, get a rushing TD. Pick: Saints
HOUSTON JUGGERNAUT @ Carolina. OK, so I predicted this one as a loss in my 9-wins countdown, with the caveat that my prediction was subject to change if Zoolander started the game. Well, Sandy will continue clipboarding, but I am starting to think this game will be tightly contested. Consider: the current Vegas line is Carolina (-6.5). Assuming that all home teams give three points (a fairly safe figure), Sin City says that Carolina is just over a FG better than us on a neutral field. I suppose this sounds about right, but I am way too fucking drunk on the Kool-Aid to pick against us yet. Pick: Roll, Juggernaut!
Minnesota @ Detroit. Both of these teams are looking for their first win of the seas–. What? They are both 1-0? You’re bullshitting me. Seriously? Like, seriously seriously? How the hell… oh well, fuck it. Pick: Minnesota
Atlanta @ Jacksonville. Three things I would do if I had a time machine. (1) Get down with Audrey Hepburn circa 1960, (2) invent the Pet Rock a week before the other guy did it, and (3) change my prediction that Jacksonville would win 9 or 10 games. Still, if you get destroyed by Tavaris Jackson and Adrian Peterson, you probably won’t fare much better against David Garrard and MoJo Drew. Pick: Jacksonville
Dallas @ Miami. Dear The Fans of the Miami Dolphins, Eli Manning and Co. hung 35 points on the Cowgirls depleted secondary last week. If Trent Green does not get you at least 24, you should probably consider calling it a season. You always have jai alai to watch, though, so all is not lost. Sincerely, Matt. P.S. Feed the ball to Ronnie Brown. Please. Pick: Dallas
Seattle @ Arizona. I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again. Matt Leinart is simply Scott Mitchell with a much better sex life. He also looks less adept at throwing on the run than Stephen Hawking would be. Pick: Seattle
Kansas City @ Chicago. If you live anywhere between Ohio and Colorado, odds are you are being subjected to this game. Not that our defense isn’t fairly good, but if Houston holds your all world RB to 43 yards, the Bears probably won’t struggle too much against your ground game. The only question in this game is if Lovie gets fed up with Ced Benson and (the other) Adrian Peterson enough to give Garrett Wolfe some reps. The only person who can lead the Chiefs to victory in this one is Rex Grossman. Pick: Chicago
Oakland @ Denver. Did you know Josh McCown was 30-40 passing last week? Wild. And the Raiders actually, like, scored points and stuff. They still lost–some things never change–but they were in the game until the fourth quarter. Of course, that was against Detroit. Denver, led by scramblin’ Jay Cutler will not be so accommodating. Also, as a public service announcement, I would just like to remind all Oakland fans traveling to this game to make sure your female companions are on birth control; Travis Henry can impregnate with a stare. Pick: Denver
New York Jets @ Baltimore. To quote my Ravens-fan friend Orlando: “Six turnovers, 7 passes thrown over the heads of receivers, robbed of a TD by a horrible call, another horrible call on an interception that bounced on the ground (and not within the control of the defender), 8 chances to score from the 5 yard line, and injuries to [Jon Ogden] and Ray-Ray…and still we had chances to win. There lies the agony of being a Raven’s fan, we are too good to fire Billick, but too bad to ever be comfortable with him at the helm.” That’s rough. Pick: New York
San Diego @ New England. Whoever first said “cheaters never win” is a motherfucking liar. Just ask the Pats. (Side note: Firefox recognizes the word “motherfucker” as being correctly spelled.) My question is, why does the list of possible punishments not include forfeiting the game in which they cheated? Taking away a 3rd round pick won’t do shit; making the current standing say “Patriots 0-1″ certainly would. While we are talking about cheaters getting caught, lets not forget Shawne Merriman. Oh, wait, this is football. We don’t care if someone used steroids. Pick: New England
Washington @ Philadelphia. I was going to write something insightful and witty here, but the twit who shares my office is whining into her phone because she’s a fucking moron. (And because someone said something kind of mean to her, likely because she’s a fucking moron.) I’m outta here. Pick: Washington
Pete Rozelle is wearing a headband that says "Goodell"
Jul 5, 2007 Bad Idea Jeans, Inanity, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Johnny Fisterbottom, Legal stuff, Pacman Jones' gunrack, Tank Johnson's gunrack
If you read Deadspin or Fanhouse, you’ve undoubtedly heard about the NFL’s new video policy. Stephanie sums up the rule thusly:
In sum, the rules limit videos to 45 seconds of footage for interviews, practice footage, just about everything. The videos can’t be archived and have to be removed in 24 hours.
As I am generally opposed to stuff that is asinine, I am not in favor of this rule. Oh, sure, I understand the idea behind it–the NFL wants people to have to go to official team websites to view video. More people to those websites, in theory, generates more revenue from those sites. (I picture Roger Goodell rapping in his office. “Cash rules everything around me–C.R.E.A.M.–get the money, dolla dolla bill, y’all.”)
I also understand that the NFL can do whatever they want with their product. But, to (again) quote Ms. Stradley, “just because something is legal to do, doesn’t mean that it is right, smart or advisable.” That is a concept that seems to escape the NFL here. Yes, you can tell all of us what to do vis-a-vis your product…but you can’t make us like your product.
As of now, everyone loves the NFL. (Well, anyone I would want to be around.) We love it despite the insane cost of tickets and parking and memorabilia, despite the abhorrently bad television announcers, despite the inability of most fans to get NFL Sunday Ticket, despite the positive steroid tests, despite the continued legal trouble of Tank and Pacman and 48% of the Bengals, and despite a number of other things that might make us turn our collective back on a lesser organization.
It is this love of the NFL’s product that makes Joe Fan practically insatiable when it comes to NFL news and coverage. Yet, instead of reveling in this adoration and keeping up with our football jones, they are now trying to take away some of what we already had. We are begging for more (see, e.g., the whole thing about people wanting to end DirectTV’s monopoly on the Sunday Ticket) and they are trying to give us less.
What. The. Fuck? How does this make sense?
Do you really think that making us go to the team sites to watch video clips is going to raise your revenue that much? I love the Texans as much as the next guy, but I can only sit through so many homogenized, team-produced fluff pieces on TexansTV before I want to put a thumbtack in my left eye. I can’t imagine watching those clips and then suddenly being inspired to order a jersey or a koozie or a window sticker from the team website. It’s just not going to happen. At least not as long as ordering from the official site is the most expensive way in the world to get a jersey.
Besides, this rule is more than likely going to make people spend less time watching NFL videos as a whole. Once I watch whatever is on the Texans’ page, I am not going to some other team’s site to watch their videos; I’m moving on to read about my team on other (read: non-official, non-pandering) websites. So, congrats, you have effectively reduced the average fan’s exposure to your product. That makes total business sense.
Don’t get me wrong–I have nothing against people making money (though I don’t think this new rule will increase revenue). If I had a product that millions of people clamored for, I’d try to maximize my profitability, too. But I would also try to make sure that I remained as popular as possible. You don’t remain popular for too long if every move you make is a big sandpaper fist right in your customer’s shitter. (Unless that is actually your business, in which case such a move would ironically make you more popular.) When every move you make is designed to line your pockets and you blatantly disregard what your customers want, you cannot be surprised when one day many of those fans move on to something else. This video rule might not be the cliche that broke the camel’s back, but it is another step in that direction.
Tank Johnson is dangerous… and available
Jul 3, 2007 Anger, Athletes who don't stab people, DeMeco Ryans, Gary Kubiak, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Preview, Super Mario, Tank Johnson's gunrack
I spent most of the afternoon doing two things–driving fiftyleven miles into rural Arkansas1 and trying to come up with an argument for the Texans to sign Tank Johnson.
There are myriad reasons not to and they are all pretty obvious. Dude has a penchant for firearms; he couldn’t stay out of trouble long enough to complete probation and wound up serving time; he hangs out in places that get his bodyguards/friends killed; he drinks and drives; and2 he has had more than enough chances to pull his large head out of his large ass, but has failed every time.
I know all of these, yet I am still intrigued.
Perhaps the most alluring part of signing Tank is that he plays a position (0- or 1-technique, 2-gap DT) where we have struggled3 to get production. What, you want a visual aid?
Maddox, Anthony
2006: 12 G, 24 Tkls, 2 Sacks, 1 FF, 1 FRJohnson, Travis
2006: 9 G, 8 Tkls, 0 Sacks, 1 PD
2005: 15 G, 23 Tkls, 1 Sacks
See? Now, I realize that neither of those guys has technically played a full, healthy season, and that tackles are hardly the measure of a two-gap tackle. On the other hand, I also realize that Tank could be had for roughly $255,000 this season. (Base salary of $510,000, minus salary for the 8 games of suspension.) I further recognize that Tank would be eligible to practice through camp and up until kickoff of the first game and that, by all accounts, he was a very good player on a very good defense last year. So, I am willing to roll the dice at that kind of price tag for a 25 year old two-gap d-lineman who played on a Super Bowl team.4
But what of the influence of Tank the human being? Won’t his presence poison the team?
Look around… we have, basically, a group of large, well-paid boy scouts. We are currently more concerned that someone might over commit himself for charity appearances and not be able to make one of them, than that one of them is going to bang a stripper’s face on the stage. We also have a defensive leader (Ryans), a coach that seems willing to cut bait if push comes to shove, and good veterans like N.D. Kalu and Jeff Zgonina to counteract any bad vibes. Moreover, I think the pressure Tank would take off of Mario and Manchild in-game would be greater than any detriments he might bring to the team.
Seriously… worst case scenario if you sign him for $300K or whatever is that he screws up (again) and gets suspended (again). Except, while he is suspended, you don’t have to pay him, so you are really out no money. As for the whole “poisoning” of the team, I don’t buy it. He didn’t poison the Bears last year, our guys should be mature enough to deal with him in the clubhouse and ignore him (if need be) off the field, and, honestly, the complaint about him is that he is asstarded off the field. On the field, the man can play.
In the end, I am pretty sure that the turds up north will sign him to a two- or three-year sheet, so this is all probably meaningless. Still, if the chips fell right and we could get him under this scenario, I think it would be a good move.
Of course, I am opining on whether to sign a guy who has been suspended for half the season. Please, god, let the season start soon. Or let one of the scout team guys pull a Rae Carruth.
1 You got a purdy mouth.
2 Whether drunk or not, the man was going 40 in a 25 and swerving. Even Mario would look at that and say, “Damn, that’s some DUMB driving.”
3 Understatement.
4 I am not willing to pull a Jerry Jones / Dan Snyder and take a chance on a longer deal, considering he still faces charges in Arizona that might preclude him from playing for years.
Todd Weiner… heh… "Todd"
Jun 14, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, Big dudes doing the little things, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans
For an explanation of what the heck I am doing here, see this post.
Win #2–Week 4 @ Atlanta. I wanted to claim that the second win would come in the second game, as the Texans roll into Carolina and exorcise the final memories of David Carr. I wanted to, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it for a number of reasons. So it is that, in week 4, the Texans will bring their record back to .500 with a victory over Matt Schaub’s former employers.
Why? Well, first, there is the little issue of a certain overrated QB and some dog fighting.1 Assuming Robespierre Goodell continues his reign of terror on NFL ne’er-do-wells, Señor Mexico certainly faces at least 4 games. And this, children, means that Joey Harrington will be under center. Ballgame.
But what if Vick is not suspended? I’m still calling this one win number two. While the Falcons’ linebackers are good, they are still part of a starting front seven that only totaled 12.5 sacks. Just as importantly, Grady Jackson appears to be rapidly declining as an interior player and there are still some unanswered questions regarding John Abraham’s ability to still be a full-time contributor. (He played in only 8 games last year as was less than effective when he did play.) The defense will also be relying on two rookies from Arkansas–Jamaal Anderson and Chris Houston–at DE and CB. Add an old SS and a mediocre (at best) FS and you have a front unit that doesn’t get much pressure, a shaky secondary situation, and a defensive right side that should be susceptible to the run. The Texans will be able to score in that equation.
When the Falcons have the ball, I look for them to allow DeMeco to spy Vick throughout the game. Also, because Vick is a lefty, Greenwood (or one of the new LBs) will probably keep contain if/when Mike rolls out, allowing DeMeco to defend Crumpler over the middle. Shante Orr and Weaver (switching sides with Mario for this one?)will have run responsibilities (assuming Manchild gets some middle penetration, which should be achievable against Tyson Clabo). That kind of run defense should be enough against a finesse back like Dunn.
When Vick throws, Joe Horn is a couple years removed from being an elite receiver and Dunta matches up well with Horn at this point. Petey will continue to be a question, but with a little help over the top he should be able to adequately defend Michael Jenkins or Roddy White.
Thus, the Texans will end September at 2-2.
1 Allegedly.
