Mr. and Mrs. Glass
Feb 20, 2008 Faggination, Fake Conversations with Real People, Jerome Mathis got hurt reading this, Johnny Fisterbottom, Pro Bowl 2008, Too far?, Tremendous Busts, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
February 15, 2008. Manvel, TX. 10:30PM.
Jerome Mathis: (in car, to himself) Damn. DAMN! I have completely fucked up. Fuck. She is going to be pissed, too. Why the fuck did I let the dogs get out? After the year I had…man…I’m fucked.
(pulls into driveway, goes into house) Erica! Erica?! You here?
Erica Smith: (from upstairs) Yeah, I’m upstairs. Hold on. I’ll be down in a minute.
Mathis: (to self) Fuuuuuck. OK, Jerome. Hold it together. You’re a Pro Bowler; you’ll get a job somewhere. And she loves you for you…y’all having a baby together and shit. OK, here she comes. Stay calm. Don’t get defensive… (to Smith) Hey, baby! How was your day?!
Smith: Motherfucker, how do you think my day was?! I am fucking pregnant. I threw up this morning, then I was tired, then my feet started hurting, then I threw up again, then I had to nap for a while. That’s how MY day was. But that’s not what concerns me right now. What concerns me is whether you talked to McNair about what we talked about last night.
Mathis: Yeah, I did.
Smith: And?!?
Mathis: He said the team wasn’t entirely sure if they were going to bring me back. He said the pit bull incidents really having him questioning whether I have the right kind of character to be a Houston Texan.
Smith: You ignorant motherfucker! I told your stupid ass to chain those dogs up! Did you listen?! Fuck, no, you didn’t listen. You just let those mutts go out and maul some people. Brilliant. Asshole. Did you at least mention that you were a Pro Bowler not that long ago?
Mathis: Yo, you need to ease up off me a little bit. I thought I told you I wasn’t going to put up with that kind of tone anymore.
Smith: Fuck you, jack. Who the fuck do you think you are? Motherfuckin’ Ron O’Neal or somethin’? Talkin’ ’bout I better not talk to you like that.
Mathis: Look, bitch, seriously…I’m not going to put up with much more of this lip.
Smith: Whatchu gonna do, then? You ain’t gonna hit a pregnant woman. Besides…remember what happened last time you tried to pick a fight with me. You want your ass kicked again?
Mathis: Bitch, I told you I had a sinus infection. And I was kinda drunk. You can’t take me in a fair fight and you know it! I’m in the NFL, goddamnit.
Smith: Yeah…that “F” stands for “Fragile As A Motherfucker.”
Mathis: I am leaving before you make me break my foot off in your ass. (turns to leave, pauses, turns back) Hey, where the hell is my phone charger? I need it–my Blackberry is dead.
Smith: Just like your career, apparently.
Mathis: Shut up. Just go get my charger. (shoves Smith)
Smith: Make me, bitch.
Mathis: That’s it. It’s on now! (grabs Smith by the throat) Yeah! You like that?! You like…wait…what the fuck…LET GO OF MY NUTS!!! OW OW OW OW OW!!! FUUUUUCK!!!! (begins weeping)
Smith: Yeah! You think you’re bad?! You ain’t bad! You ain’t shit!! Get the fuck out of my house, bitch! (throws him out the front door, locks it behind him, heads back upstairs)
Will Demps: (from closet) Everything cool.
Smith: Yeah, baby. It’s cool. Come give mama some of the black throbbing Jesus before I call the police on his unemployed ass. I love me some Pro Bowler sex.
Rumpleforeskin
Dec 11, 2007 Boobies, Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Johnny Fisterbottom, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Junior High Principal: If everyone could please take your seats and settle down, we’ll get started. As you know, this…um…sex education lecture is normally given by Coach Wright. However, due to certain ongoing legal proceedings, we didn’t feel that would be in the best interest of the school this year. So, we decided to bring in a local celebrity to talk to you about…um…sex today. So please give your full attention to Mr. Will Demps of the Houston Texans.
Will Demps: Hello, little school children. Principal Whitey–
Principal: That’s “Whitley.”
Demps: –asked me here today to talk to you young men about sex and peer pressure. Now, I asked myself, “what do I wish someone had told me when I was in seventh grade?” Then I remembered that I actually lost my virginity in fifth grade–that’s the type of thing that happens when you are a natural-born athlete with 14″ of throbbing, brown Jesus in your jockstrap. (adjusts junk) Tell ya what… how about I just answer some of your questions about sex and we can go from there? Let’s see. You, the skinny cracker in the back. What’s your question?
John: Well…um…I was…well…could you kind of…uh…explain a woman’s anatomy?
Demps: Seriously? Y’all don’t know?
(lots of head shaking and nervous glances around classroom)
Demps: DAMN! Ok, no problem, young devil. First, you know, you have them big ol’ tit-tays up top, right? That’s like the previews at the movies. You don’t actually do anything with those, because there is nothing in it for you, but they are kinda fun to play with and look at for a few minutes. Plus, if you have a big girl, you can use those things as a flotation device should your boat capsize.
Down below, you’ve got the vagina. This is made up of, um, the meat curtains and, uh, the love button and some other parts that scientists don’t totally understand. This is where the magic happens, though. Next question?
Steve: Yeah, my older brother says that you can get AIDS from oral sex. Is this true?
Demps: No, you cannot get AIDS from getting head because that ain’t how it works. I mean, they calling it “getting” but you are the only one giving anything away in the transaction.
Steve: But what about from giving oral sex to a girl?
Demps: Only lesbians do that. True playas don’t snack on fuzzy tacos, Whitebread. Next question.
Brian: Um, I was with my girlfriend the other night and, well, it…I mean…I couldn’t get it up. Is there something wrong with me?
Demps: Look, I’ve sexed with pretty much every beautiful woman between New Jersey and Houston and never once did my Fallopian Fiddler have trouble playin’ his tune, knowatImsayin? So, yeah, if you couldn’t get your little Escalante to Stand And Deliver, then there must be something wrong with you. Now, I’m no doctor, but I would say you either have a venereal disease or you caught the gay. Or you are dating a fat chick. Next?
Jason: I have a date with a girl tonight and I don’t know what to do for fun. Any ideas?
Demps: Let’s see…I’d go with “do her in the butt.”
Eric: Mr. Demps, I feel like there is a lot of pressure to have sex, even though I am not sure if I am ready. I just think that maybe a man should wait unt–
Demps: Hold up, Honky Lips. That’s not pressure to have sex; that’s pressure to not be a big ol’ pussy. What do you mean, “not sure if you’re ready?” I seriously can’t believe I’m hearing this shit. “Not sure if I’m ready.” Man, you have got to be kidding. Would I be where I am today if I’d been a scared little bitch when my fifth grade teacher started feeling me up? Hell to da naw, dog.
Look, I’m about out of time here, so I am going to leave you with this advice: LIFE is about two things–getting someone to mouthify your wang and getting some funk on your hangdown. The rest is just gravy.
Pete Rozelle is wearing a headband that says "Goodell"
Jul 5, 2007 Bad Idea Jeans, Inanity, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Johnny Fisterbottom, Legal stuff, Pacman Jones' gunrack, Tank Johnson's gunrack
If you read Deadspin or Fanhouse, you’ve undoubtedly heard about the NFL’s new video policy. Stephanie sums up the rule thusly:
In sum, the rules limit videos to 45 seconds of footage for interviews, practice footage, just about everything. The videos can’t be archived and have to be removed in 24 hours.
As I am generally opposed to stuff that is asinine, I am not in favor of this rule. Oh, sure, I understand the idea behind it–the NFL wants people to have to go to official team websites to view video. More people to those websites, in theory, generates more revenue from those sites. (I picture Roger Goodell rapping in his office. “Cash rules everything around me–C.R.E.A.M.–get the money, dolla dolla bill, y’all.”)
I also understand that the NFL can do whatever they want with their product. But, to (again) quote Ms. Stradley, “just because something is legal to do, doesn’t mean that it is right, smart or advisable.” That is a concept that seems to escape the NFL here. Yes, you can tell all of us what to do vis-a-vis your product…but you can’t make us like your product.
As of now, everyone loves the NFL. (Well, anyone I would want to be around.) We love it despite the insane cost of tickets and parking and memorabilia, despite the abhorrently bad television announcers, despite the inability of most fans to get NFL Sunday Ticket, despite the positive steroid tests, despite the continued legal trouble of Tank and Pacman and 48% of the Bengals, and despite a number of other things that might make us turn our collective back on a lesser organization.
It is this love of the NFL’s product that makes Joe Fan practically insatiable when it comes to NFL news and coverage. Yet, instead of reveling in this adoration and keeping up with our football jones, they are now trying to take away some of what we already had. We are begging for more (see, e.g., the whole thing about people wanting to end DirectTV’s monopoly on the Sunday Ticket) and they are trying to give us less.
What. The. Fuck? How does this make sense?
Do you really think that making us go to the team sites to watch video clips is going to raise your revenue that much? I love the Texans as much as the next guy, but I can only sit through so many homogenized, team-produced fluff pieces on TexansTV before I want to put a thumbtack in my left eye. I can’t imagine watching those clips and then suddenly being inspired to order a jersey or a koozie or a window sticker from the team website. It’s just not going to happen. At least not as long as ordering from the official site is the most expensive way in the world to get a jersey.
Besides, this rule is more than likely going to make people spend less time watching NFL videos as a whole. Once I watch whatever is on the Texans’ page, I am not going to some other team’s site to watch their videos; I’m moving on to read about my team on other (read: non-official, non-pandering) websites. So, congrats, you have effectively reduced the average fan’s exposure to your product. That makes total business sense.
Don’t get me wrong–I have nothing against people making money (though I don’t think this new rule will increase revenue). If I had a product that millions of people clamored for, I’d try to maximize my profitability, too. But I would also try to make sure that I remained as popular as possible. You don’t remain popular for too long if every move you make is a big sandpaper fist right in your customer’s shitter. (Unless that is actually your business, in which case such a move would ironically make you more popular.) When every move you make is designed to line your pockets and you blatantly disregard what your customers want, you cannot be surprised when one day many of those fans move on to something else. This video rule might not be the cliche that broke the camel’s back, but it is another step in that direction.
