The Problem With Richard Smith, Or, Perhaps More Accurately, Referendum On Coaching Incompetence
Sep 30, 2008 2008 Season, Chocodiles, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Hi Steve!, Kevin Bentley, Morlon Greenwood, Ranting, Super Mario
Let me just start by saying that, by and large, I agree with Tim and Chris’s points on the game. There were lots of positives (for the offense) and lots of negative (for the defense and special teams). In fact, this was one of those games that I didn’t really feel the need to write a recap of, since the goods and the bads were so glaringly obvious.
But, still, my job (as it were) here is to talk about the Houston Texans (as well as make inappropriate remarks about the team and people associated with it). So rather than do a traditional recap, let’s hit some big picture points.
First, if I were the GM of this team, Richard Smith would not be receiving paychecks from me. And I don’t just mean going forward, as he should have and would have been fired a long time ago. After all, the problems are manifold and obvious–no cohesive philosophy, no idea how to use his assets, no clue how or when to blitz, no attempt to adjust when another team is going the Tecmo Bowl route and burning you with the same exact play over and over and over and over, and nothing to suggest that his charges are this close to turning the corner and becoming markedly better. We’ve spent numerous first- and second-round draft picks on defense, especially the front seven, yet we remain incapable of getting to the QB before the ball is thrown or creating turnovers or (on many days) even tackling with any regularity. That’s ALL on Richard Smith.
Despite cries for his head after last year, Smith got a free pass to come back for another 16 games because (a) Mario became dominant in 2007 and (b) there were so many injuries that it somehow seemed unfair (to everyone but me, I guess) to fire him when he was shorthanded. Unfortunately, last year’s MASH unit was actually better, at least to the naked eye, than this year’s healthy squad has been. If Smith were any kind of DC, doing better this year than last should have been the easiest assignment of his tenure. Instead, everyone except Mario (yes, even DeMeco) seems to have stagnated or regressed in 2008.
Sunday’s game was a snapshot of the entire Richard Smith experience—players out of position, inexplicable defensive calls in tight situations, defensive backs who looked lost and exposed. Even worse, one got the feeling that absolutely none of those problems was going to go away until Smith himself went away. So, while I have railed against Smith in this space for over a year, I feel like it’s time to turn it up a bit. In that vein, “FIRE RICHARD SMITH” is now the official motto of DGDB&D 2008. I realize that I have no pull and a relatively limited audience, but I figure saying it a lot and trying to get others to spread the message absolutely cannot hurt our cause. Say it loud, say it often, and say it to anyone who will listen.
Moving on…
As bad as Smith’s squad was Sunday, Joe Marciano’s was even worse. And I’m not just talking about their inability to recognize that a team cannot punt when there is no punter lined up behind the center, though that was certainly the most egregious example. But, yeah, it was worse than that. All day long, our returners made horrible decisions and/or did nothing while our coverage teams allowed Jacksonville’s return men to get huge chunks of yardage on seemingly every kick. In fact, thus far in 2008, on Kevin Bentley has really been a consistent contributor on special teams.
Like Richard Smith, Marciano probably should have been gone a while ago. However, because he’s been blessed to have some very, very good return men, as well as the occasional solid cover guy, he’s been able to keep his job. Nevermind that, as a Texans fan, you have reached a point where you just expect the other team to be starting somewhere past their own 25 on every single possession. Hopefully, for my own sanity as well as the future success of your Houston Texans, Sunday’s game was the beginning of the end of the Marciano era. If not, here’s to hoping that Kevin Bentley becomes the next Eugene Seale.
Thirdly, can someone please tell me what the heck is going on between Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson? Because I honestly cannot come up with any sort of answer that makes sense. Some have suggested that maybe Andre’s injury has changed his route running or made him slower, but it seems like the passes to Schaub are behind Andre rather than out in front. Others have suggested that they are just not clicking because they didn’t get to play together very much in the second half of last season, but they had never played together before last season and they started the year firing on all cylinders. Like I said…I don’t get it.
What I DO get, however, is that our offense on Sunday was on fire and looked like the team from early 2007 that was putting up points fast and often. And that’s without Andre being involved even half as much as you would have assumed. If/when he and Matt get back on the same page, the Texans should be able to score against just about anyone. Judging by the success Denver had (prior to the KC game), a high-powered offense combined with a non-tackling defense can still win you more than it loses you, at least until playoff time rolls around. Maybe, for now, we need to approach the game like those old Colts and Rams teams did—we are going to put up 35 or more most weeks and assume that even our sub-par defense can stop you a couple of times. Scoreboard, holmes.
Finally, a couple quick thoughts on some players:
Steve Slaton is your running back for the foreseeable future. That TD pass he caught was the product of a route that no previous Texans RB could have done. In the modern, pass-happy NFL, having a back who can split out wide and blow by a corner is a luxury and it’s one that we now possess. This is very, very happy news.
Morlon Greenwood, what has happened to you? Consider this my official mea culpa: I was wrong on Morlon in 2008 and it’s time to replace him with…
Kevin Bentley. Gotta love what you’ve seen from LVJ so far. He’s playing fantastic on special teams, he’s one of the few guys on the team who has shown a willingness to hit, wrap up, and tackle, and he even looked solid playing in place of DeMeco for a few snaps Sunday. So, I ask ya, is there any reason not to assume that he would be an upgrade over Greenwood or Zac “I’m Way Too Small To Play SLB” Diles? I think not.
Dear Jacques Reeves, TURN AROUND AND FIND THE BALL EVERY NOW AND THEN. Signed, Anyone With Two Ounces Of Common Sense.
Last, but certainly not least, a kudos to the entire offense line (but, especially, Duane Brown) on Sunday. Nicely done, gentlemen. I see that you’ve realized that keeping Matt upright makes you look good and makes the whole team better. Let’s continue that approach against the Colts in what is certain to be an absolutely rocking Reliant Stadium this week.
Church
Sep 16, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, I ask that you wash it first, I really need a different hobby, Inflamed body parts, Kevin Bentley, Too far?, Travis Johnson, What the fuck?, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Methodist Practice Bubble parking lot, September 19, 2008, after practice
Kevin Bentley: (jogging) William! William! Do hold on a moment, William!
Will Demps: Will Demps is not very fond of talking to your pretty, er, ugly ass. Besides, there’s a good chance some random bitches are waitin’ for Will Demps back at, um, Will Demps’s crib, ya dig? Make it fast, mofo.
Bentley: Well, William, I was just going to suggest that, now that we’ve both made the team and, more importantly, now that Hurricane Ike has given us some perspective on the important things in life—things like family, love, community, and the need for proper skin care in inclimate weather—perhaps we should call off this entire wager.
Demps: The fuck you mean “call it off?!” Motherfucker, Will Demps is going full dick ahead with this bet! Will Demps is going to drive your cockblocking ass out this town, holmes! Will Demps is going to ball Rhonda Kubiak so good, SHE be callin’ you up to tell you Will Demps won the bet. Ain’t no calling it off, brothaman.
Bentley: William, I fear you might have gotten concussed in our competition against Pittsburgh, as you do not seem to be thinking all that clearly. What makes you think your odds of winning a bet in which you’ve been a decided underdog from the outset have somehow improved of late?
Demps: What makes…odds? I, er, Will Demps ain’t got no clue what the fuck you’re jibba-jabberin’ about. But if you askin’ why I’m going to win, take a look in the mirror. You look like you done gained fiddyleven pounds. You fat, dawg. Not P-H-A-T like Kim Kardashian’s ass, either. Straight F-A-T. Will Demps is still a sexy ebony god with fifteen inches of throbbing black Jesus.
Bentley: Silly William, I gained a small amount of weight on purpose. I have neither the time nor the patience to explain the mathematics to you right now, but rest assured that my increased mass gives me more power when I tackle and makes me an even better player.
Demps: On special teams, bitch.
Bentley: Point taken, William. Of course, were I to decide I wanted to play defensive back, I am sure I’d have no problem out-performing the disastrous results you and C.C. provided against Pittsburgh. Tell me, William, is it customary to give wide receivers a fourteen yard cushion when they are at the five-yard line?
Demps: Fuck you, dude.
Bentley: Charming. So, you really do not plan to give this wager a rest?
Demps: Hell naw, Chubb-o.
Bentley: Fine. Then consider yourself forewarned—with your play, it will not be a huge blow to anyone when you leave after I bed our target.
Demps: And, um, consider yourself forewhatevered—Will Demps taps ass.
Bentley: …
Demps: That’s right!
Bentley: (looking over Demps’ shoulder) Not to change the subject, William, but is that an ass I see over in Travis’s vehicle?
Demps: That’s Travis’s ass, dude!
Bentley: And you know that…nevermind.
[Both run over to the truck, where Travis Johnson is having sex with Rhonda Kubiak]
Demps and Bentley: WHAT THE FUCK?!?
Travis Johnson: (rolling down window, but without breaking his stroke) The fuck you frilly faggots want?
Rhonda Kubiak: Oh oh oh oh god oh fuck yes god holy cock yes oh fuck oh jesus oh mandingo oh pound that snizz you big, black stallion!!!! THERE’S A SNAKE IN MY SNIZZ!!!!
Demps: Will…Will Demps…um…Will don’t…
Bentley: What my semi-literate friend means is ‘How in the world did you get her to have sexual intercourse with you!?!’
Johnson: (stroking) Because, Ass Pirate Roberts, Travis Johnson fucks bitches. He don’t act like one. While y’all busy tweezing and buffing, I gots hoes skeezing and sucking. Ya feel me?
Kubiak: I feel you! I feel you! Holy Christ, it’s so big I can taste it!
Bentley: B-b-but…I have seventeen and a half inches of manhood! I know you don’t have that!!!
Johnson: (stroking) Nope, Cockbreath, I sure don’t. But I have something better.
Bentley: What’s that?
Kubiak: (nearly out of breath) His dick is…consecrated by the God! So this…isn’t…OH GODDAMN…YES, BIG DADDY…KNOCK THE LINING OUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER…isn’t a sin!
Johnson: (stroking) That’s right. I told y’all there was a reason for having the Pope conse– consecr– bless my shit. Married bitches always be looking for that loophole so they can indulge they fantasies. I gots the ultimate loophole, Nancy!
Bentley: (shaking head, muttering as he walks off) This just…it doesn’t make sense…I was supposed to be knocking that lining out of her motherfucker. (looks back over shoulder) C’mon, William. I’ll buy you a lapdance at Centerfolds.
Demps: Will Demps says the bet is over.
Bentley: (patting him on the shoulder) I know, William. I know.
Johnson: (yelling after them) Wait! Don’t y’all wanna watch this bitch get baptized?!? (to Rhonda) Open up, ho…you ’bout to taste some religiousness up in here!
I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said, “how do you spell spell ‘Sartre?’”
Jul 8, 2008 Bitchephant, Fake Conversations with Real People, Frank Okam is an evil genius, I ask that you wash it first, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
7:45 PM. Kevin Bentley’s meticulously-appointed, feng shui-friendly loft apartment. Houston, TX.
Kevin Bentley: (doing situps, counting in Mandarin) …shi si, shi wu, shi liu…
(knock at the door)
Bentley: Enter! (resumes situps) …shi qi, shi ba, shi jiu…
Frank Okam: Hello, Kevin.
Bentley: Welcome, Francis. Please, come in and make yourself at home. I shall only be a few more moments. (finishes situps) …er shi. (towels off) What brings you here, Francis? More questions regarding string theory?
Okam: Not tonight, Kevin. No, this eve finds me possessed of a worried mind fettered by dastardly plans.
Bentley: Do tell, young squire. You have piqued my interest most assuredly.
Okam: First, allow me to posit an ontological query. Can one actively pursue the destruction of another without in turn destroying himself? Which is to say, does the driving out of existence one’s enemy have a similarly deleterious effect on one’s own self?
Bentley: Interesting question, Francis. To my way of thinking, when one focuses on his own being qua being, his interactions with others become a necessary rubric for understanding one’s self. That said, those interactions with others only help to cast light upon one’s own being; they are not a condition precedent for being.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: A moment, Francis. (answers phone) Hello….yes…I see…well, have you spoken to your sister about it?…and she is fine with the idea?…I see…no, nothing rough…yes…indeed…I shall see you both in one hour. (hangs up)
(resumes discussion) Thus, the destruction — either literal or merely relative to his current socio-economic status — of one’s enemy does not impact one’s being so much as allow one to see the side of his being which is capable of such malevolence.
Okam: Interesting. So, by that rationale, the capacity to destroy is a characteristic of the destroyer’s being, for better or worse, and does not, in fact, define the being any more than, say, a predilection toward certain cereal brands would?
Bentley: Precisely — so the question is not “will one’s destruction of another bring about one’s own destruction,”
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: Apologies, dear friend. (answers phone) Hello…this is he…the going rate is $500 and hour…yes, that works out to just over $29 per inch per hour…indeed…I can work you in three hours from now…of course…you can make it payable to Lyndon Veins Johnson…yes, see you then. (hangs up)
(resumes discussion) but, rather “can one tolerate the self-reflection that knowing one’s capacity to destroy provides?” Now, obviously, if the answer to the second query is negative, then it could very well be that, by extension, the decision to destroy the other person might lead to one’s own destruction, but it does not by definition have to lead there.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: Excuse me for just another second or two, Francis. (answers phone) Hello…speaking…I leave the decisions regarding lubricant to you…sure, but that runs slightly more…all cards except Discover…I ask that you wash it first…of course…see you in five hours. (hangs up phone)
(resumes discussion) But now, Francis, with that query answered satisfactorily, I must inquire as to what tipped you off to my wager with William?
Okam: You find me at a loss for response, sir; I am unaware as to any wager with anyone. I was speaking on behalf of my own concerns and issues. Might you elaborate upon this wager?
Bentley: Well, Francis, upon the realization that the female population is not ample enough to sustain both myself and William Demps, he and I entered into an agreement whereby the first one to bed a predetermined target female would win, forcing the other competitor to leave Houston and the Texans organization at once.
Okam: How very fascinating! Yet, I have found myself wondering of late how someone as vapid as William could find constant success with the ladies. Surely this competition is most heavily tilted in your favor!
Bentley: One would certainly think so, but Mr. Demps possesses a certain manner of talking to women that makes him, at times, irresistible to them. He is, if you will, a “cunning linguist.”
Okam: Good show! Well played, indeed!
Bentley: Thank you. I found that aphorism quite humorous as well.
Okam: I assume the target female was chosen for her relative unattainability?
Bentley: Very intuitive, young Francis. The target female is none other than Rhonda Kubiak.
Okam: I imagine my face reveals my utter amazement at your answer!
Bentley: Quite! (laughs, composes self, checks watch) I have greatly enjoyed this conversation, Francis. Now, I hope you don’t think me a boor, but I must excuse myself post haste. For, if I don’t apply the champagne and talcum powder mask to my testicles before engaging in tonight’s activities, I will surely find myself chaffed come the morrow.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: I shall call you soon, Francis. (answers phone) Hello…
Kickoff
Jun 9, 2008 2008 Season, Amobi Okoye is 20, Barbaro is dead, Kevin Bentley, Kickoff, Teams that aren't the Texans, Uncategorized
Can you hear me now? Good.: DeMonster, thanks in part to being a three-down linebacker, will be wearing the defensive headset for the Texans next year. The headset, which is like that used by the offense, is a new twist heading into 2008. For teams with more thoughtful players, such as DeMeco, Kevin Bentley, and Amobi Okoye, it’ll be a distinct advantage. The Texans could be a team with a lot to gain from this new do-hickey.
Bad News for Barbaro?: Kubes:
(on if T Charles Spencer will return before training camp) “Well, obviously, we’re down to a couple of days. We’ve had long discussions with him yesterday. The bottom line is that we’re not quite sure that he’s ready to get out here and be more active, so they’ll evaluate that through the weekend and make a decision.”
(on if would be a big deal if Spencer doesn’t make it out before training camp) “Well, it’s a big issue, you know, and the issue is strictly a numbers issue with the football team because taking 80 guys to camp and having 80 guys to go through an NFL camp is just a very small number. And it’s new water for all of us as coaches and general managers, so that’s why it makes this decision even tougher as we move forward.”
Let’s be honest: This is about as negative as you will see something during OTAs. As the Texans near their 80-man roster cutoff heading into camp, Barbaro is in trouble. Purely speculation on my part, but I’ve got a bad feeling after seeing these quotes.
This Year’s Jim Morris Award Goes to: Tim Bulman.
Look, this is great for him and all, but it also shows that we failed to address a major area of need in the draft. And, even though we had Colvin in for a visit, it looks like we will bring him in at LB and not DE if we sign him. Hopefully, we’ll be able to find something during camp cuts. I still don’t think we have an adequate answer opposite Mario (though, again, I have a Chaun-on!).
RIP: Jim McKay: The way he handled the 1972 Olympics should be required course materials for journalism classes.
RIP Dwight White: As badly as the Steelers used to kill us in the old days, there was at least a working respect for the team. The Steelers were not only talented, but they were a hard-working team. White was a cog of the Iron Curtain squads, a disrupter who complimented LC Greenwood on the other end.
The difference between the Steelers of yester-year and the Dallas Cow-fuckers of today? Class.
Ending on a Happy Note: More Kubes:
“Well, I want to knock on wood, but in all honesty, this camp, I think he’s the most improved player. He’s a pretty dang good player to begin with but what you saw take place here over the course of the last three weeks, you saw a guy go from still having some of his rookie habits, they went away in one week and we haven’t noticed them in the last two. That’s a good thing. It tells me he’s growing up. He’s becoming better. He’s becoming a pro. And if that happens, we’re going to be a better football team. I’ve been very impressed with the player he’s become through OTAs.” - on Okoye
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to dry off.
Edit: Thanks to Stacy and Foomey for meeting me for a beer Saturday night. It was great meeting y’all.
Cracklin’ Rosy
Jun 4, 2008 2008 Season, Chaun, Chocodiles, Colvin, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Super Bowl 2011, Super Mario
Well, that was certainly interesting. And surprisingly informative, really. But, back to what really matters. According to the Boston Globe,
Former Patriots outside linebacker Rosevelt Colvin, now a free agent, is scheduled to visit the Houston Texans today.
I know we have a solid starter at WLB and three guys vying for the title of starting SLB, but I like this move. I like it a lot, actually. Colvin is definitely on the downward slope of his career, but he would bring the kind of veteran leadership (and winning experience) that a young LB corps can always benefit from, as well as being a mentor for Zac Diles as Diles transitions to the outside.
The short article also mentions that Colvin previously met with the Colts. If we can get him on the cheap, I think you’ve got to make this move. Worst case scenario, you cut him loose if he can’t hack it. Best case, though, he gives you a solid backup to Diles (sorry, Kevin) and makes it so Chaun Thompson is more expendable and more able to be used as a pass-rushing DE opposite Mario. Win-win, baby!
OTAs Day 7
May 30, 2008 2008 Season, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Chaun, Gary Kubiak, I really dig my readers, Kevin Bentley, Morlon Greenwood, Posts that list too many players, Preseason 2008, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Vince Young can't read this post, Xman
You must forgive me. All these years being a sports fan has made me more than a little calloused when it comes to quotes during camps. I mean, when was the last time you heard a player say something along the lines of:
“The team is a bunch of assholes. There’s no chemistry at all, and our team is fucked.”
Nope, doesn’t happen. What we do get is the usual:
“Oh, man, it’s been great. I’ve got great coaches. I’ve got great teammates…
Basically, the linebackers are just all a brotherhood. The whole team is a brotherhood but the linebackers especially, we’re real tight, real close, and if anybody needs help on anything, we’re always there to help each other out.”
Awwwww, isn’t that sweet? The quote is courtesy of Chaun Thompson, one of our off-season additions (quotes courtesy HoustonTexans.com).
But, wait a minute, is this a little nugget right here?
(on if LB Chaun Thompson will work with the defensive line) “Yeah, once we get going in camp, he’ll go down with (defensive line coach) Jethro (Franklin) and (senior defensive assistant) Frank (Bush) to work on some pass-rush skills and those types of things. He shows the ability to do that, but the thing we don’t want to do is hurt him at linebacker because he’s very competitive in our situation at linebacker right now and I don’t want to take away from that.” - Gary Kubiak, again from HoustonTexans.com
When you consider the depth we have at linebacker - DeMonster, Morlon Greenwood, and Zac Diles as starters with Xavier Adibi, Kevin Bentley, and one of several including UDFA signee Ben Moffitt (h/t 1Texan) as backups - we have some pretty damn good depth at linebacker. Even if Thompson sees time at LB, it could be in *gasp* blitz packages. There’s one important thing to remember about Thompson: he’s one extremely fast dude. Instead of trying to force his talents into a system like the Browns did, it looks like the hometown heroes signed him because he fits our system.
And, frankly, anything that keeps Anthony Weaver off the field until he proves he can collect a single sack is a good thing.
Finally, we all know I’m a University of Texas grad and still live in Austin, right? OK, well…
Vince Young a couple of days ago:
I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.
Vince Young yesterday (h/t Eric):
“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I ain’t never said I was going to quit football,” Young said. “There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, but football is not hard to me. Football is easy. All you have to do is be coachable and use your God-given talent. If it was a thought at all it was just a passing thought for a second.”
You know, I really have no problem with what Ricky Williams did. Hell, if I could get stoned and travel the world instead of working, I would do that in a second. But Vince? Yeah, just, wow.
Bentleysutra
May 7, 2008 Bitchephant, Blasphemy, Fake Conversations with Real People, Kevin Bentley, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Rendhel and Sid, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Will Demps: Man…this is some shit. How the fuck is Will Demps supposed to win this competition? Will Demps has to think of something.
(thinks of himself, naked on a bearskin rug, making love to a woman who looks like him)
No, no…Will Demps has to think of something different.
(thinks of himself masturbating to the thought of himself masturbating)
Goddamnit. There has to be a way. How can Will Demps get some sweet Rhonda Kubiak nappy and win this bet? Will Demps HAS to win…if only there was, like, a god or something that could just make her fall in love with Will Demps.
(thunder)
(lightning)
(suspicious-smelling smoke)
(peacock scream)
(porn music)
Demps: What in the motherfuck is THAT?!
Kama, Hindu God of Desire: Hello, there, young William.
Demps: The fuck?!
Kama: Young squire, I am Kama, the Hindu god of desire. I am here to help you win this bet.
Demps: Yo, dawg…your skin is, like, green and shit.
Kama: Yes, but that is not important. For, you see–
Demps: And, hold up…that’s not an elephant; that’s a buncha hoes crammed together to LOOK like an elephant!! How in the sweet fuck did you do THAT?!
Kama: My appearance is not important, William. What is important is that I can help you win this bet of which you speak. I am the god of desire and, when I shoot my arrows, I can make people fall in love.
Demps: Like cupid?
Kama: No, not like cupid! Cupid is a faggy little cherub who ripped off my game! Does cupid have a Bitchephant like I do? Does cupid get down with, like, 100 hoes a day? DOES CUPID HAVE A SEX BOOK DERIVED FROM HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME?!?!
(takes deep breath)
I apologize, William. I should not yell. That is just a rather sensitive subject. I blame Hallmark. ANYWAY…as I was saying, I can help you. All I need is some information and the bet will be yours. Now, who is the target?
Demps: Rhonda Kubiak.
Kama: Easy enough. Hell, getting a 40-year-old white woman with a workaholic husband to fall for you will hardly require any effort at all. I think I shall use one of my weaker arrows, as there is no need to expend a great deal of energy completing such a menial task as this. Say, who are you competing with in this wager of love?
Demps: Kevin.
Kama: Kevin? You mean Kevin Bentley?! Oh, shit, dude…even I can’t compete with that pretty motherfucker. Have you SEEN the dick on him?!? Praise Ganesh!
Demps: Hold up, man! Will Demps can compete! Will Demps just need a little help…
Kama: Fuck that…you’re on your own. Let’s go, Bitchephant!
(disappears to the sounds of Barry White)
Indecent Proposal
Mar 28, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Gary Kubiak, Inanity, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Tempting Fate, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Houston Texans lockerroom, 9:35 pm
Will Demps: (singing to himself) It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl / Christmas…dick in a box / Hannukah…dick in a box / Kwanzaa…dick in a box / Every single holiday, a dick in a box / Over at your parents house, a dick in a box / Mid-day at the grocery store, a dick in a box…
Kevin Bentley: Hello, William.
Demps: Whoa! Will Demps didn’t see you there! Why are you sitting in here with no music on? (turns Justin Timberlake CD on) I’m bringin’ sexy back…
Bentley: I was conjugating irregular Latin verbs from memory, William.
Demps: Conju-what?
Bentley: You know, “sum, erum, ero…” You have no idea what I am talking about do you?
Demps: Will Demps caught his reflection in the mirror and totally stopped listening to you.
Bentley: Anyway, William, much like our last encounter, it is fortuitous that I have again encountered you.
Demps: Speak English, motherfucker. Will Demps doesn’t speak uppity college jibber-jabber.
Bentley: (sighing) Cretin. Like I was saying, it’s good that you are here. Let me preface this by asking a question–you consider yourself quite the ladies’ man, don’t you?
Demps: Does a bear shit in the woods? Will Demps has been in more bush than Crocodile Dundee. Will Demps has plowed more fur fields than John Deere. Will Demps has bon–
Bentley: Christ, I get it! OK, that said, I think you realize that there can be only one, William.
Demps: What kind of Highlander shit are you talking about?
Bentley: This lockerroom–nay, this TOWN–is not big enough for both of us. There are only so many fine young females to go around, you know. So I have come up with a solution…if you have the courage for it.
Demps: Motherfucker, Will Demps has all the courage in the world. Will Demps once let a hungry fat girl go down on him; you have any idea what kind of courage THAT takes?!?
Bentley: Glad to hear it. Here’s the deal–a Contest of Sexual Conquest. Except, rather than sheer numbers, there is only one lady who matters. Bed this prize and you win; I’ll ask to be released so that I can go finish the Great American Novel. But, if I win, you must leave Houston and never return.
Demps: Shiiiiiiiit, holmes. Will Demps has never met some red snapper he couldn’t filet with a quickness.
Bentley: Is that a yes? I rarely have any clue as to what you are saying.
Demps: Fuck yes, it’s a yes. Wait…who’s the Golden Vag?
Bentley: Rhonda.
Demps: Rhonda? Rhonda who, Will Demps don’t kno–WAIT! You mean Rhonda KUBIAK?!?!
Bentley: Indeed, young William. Indeed. You see, I have found that the only prizes worth chasing are the ones that require the most risk. Much like how, once a man has killed another man, mere hunting of dumb animals never satisfies his blood lust again.
Demps: (looking confused)
Bentley: (exasperated) Yes. Rhonda Kubiak. Bed her and you win.
Demps: Will Demps is not so sure this is a great idea…but Will Demps loves him a challenge. Let’s do this. May the best man win.
Bentley: Oh, I shall, William. I shall.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty.
Mar 8, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?, You're the Man Now Dog
Will Demps:(singing to himself) …don’t you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me…don’tchu dont’chu?…
(cell phone rings) Hello?
Will Demps’ Agent: Will?!
Demps: Yeah, whassup dawg?
Agent: I can’t hear you! Can you turn down the radio?
Demps: WHAT?!
Agent: TURN! DOWN! THE! RADIO!
Demps: Oh, ok. Hold on. (turns down radio) What’s up, man? You got Will Demps signed anywhere?
Agent: Well…sorta.
Demps: What the hell do “sorta” mean? Am I signed or not? Will Demps needs to start working the print advertisers in my new city.
Agent: Well…it…um…seems…that, well, the only people who wanted to sign you for much of anything were the Texans. No one was really interested in a guy who had three-fourths of a good season.
Demps: Oh, that is SO gay!
Agent: (mumbling) You’d know.
Demps: What?
Agent: Nothing. Anyway…there’s something else I need to tell you.
Demps: Whazzat?
Agent: Well, it seems that the Texans also signed Kevin Bentley.
Demps: What the fuck is a Kevin Bentley? Is that a car? Will Demps loves him a fine automobile.
Agent: No, it’s another player.
Demps: What the fuck does Will Demps care about another player. Will Demps only cares about his pretty, pretty self.
Agent: Well…uh…it’s just that Bentley is sort of–
Demps: Will Demps does not have time for this idle chit-chat! (hangs up phone)
[Five hours later, at Zeppelin]
Demps: (entering the club) Will Demps in the HOUSE, ladies! Whassup?! Will Demps, bitches! Will Demps! Who wants to buy Will Demps a drink?!
(gets no response from the ladies) What the fuck? Bitches, I said ‘Will Demps!’ (to random girl) Hey, baby…as sexy as you is, you wanna get down with some Will Demps?
Random Girl: Puh-lease. You know who is here? Kevin Bentley. You ain’t no motherfuckin’ Kevin Bentley, either. Busted ass motherfucker. (walks toward back of club where a throng of women surround Kevin Bentley.)
Bentley: …so, yes, football is my job but Bikram yoga is my passion. (lifting shirt) I think you ladies will agree that it has done wonders for my abs.
(collective swoon by the ladies)
Demps: (shoving to the front of the crowd) Yo, yo, yo…what the FUCK is this? Who the FUCK are you? Oh, damn…nice abs, brotha. (offers handshake) Will Demps, strong safety for the Houston Texans. But you probably already knew that.
Bentley: Actually, I was utterly unaware as to your identity. This is fortuitous, however, as it appears you and I are now colleagues. My name is Kevin Bentley and I, too, am employed by the NFL team located here in the Bayou City.
Demps: Please, Will Demps has no “colleagues.” Will Demps is in a class by himself. Will Demps not only plays football; Will Demps is also a high-sought-after male model. (whips out 8×10 glossy)
Will Demps is a beautiful, beautiful man. Here, let Will Demps autograph this for you.
Bentley: That’s not necessary, my good man. I am also a male model. In fact, during my tenure both at my beloved Northwestern University as well as throughout my NFL career, I have done several print ads. I am told that my combination of good looks, fantastic physique, and high intelligence make me one of the more desirable models in professional sports. Perhaps you saw this picture of me from a few years ago?
Demps: No, Will Demps did not see that picture. Well, let Will Demps tell you something, Kevin. Will Demps is the man in Houston and the man in the lockerroom. You best stay out of my–I mean, out of Will Demps’–way. If you know what’s good for you, that is. You don’t want to have to go up against Will Demps.
Bentley: I’m sorry to hear you say such things, William. You see, I hear words like “beauty” and “handsomness” and “incredibly chiseled features” and for me that’s like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of. I like to let my body of work speak for me, but not define who I am. (bats eyelashes at ladies) I feel like this enlightenment makes me a much better person…and a much better lover.
Demps: (unzipping pants, to ladies) Yeah, well Will Demps believes this fifteen inches of black, throbbing Jesus makes Will Demps a better lover.
Bentley: (unzipping pants, to ladies) Interesting. But I think you ladies will find my seventeen inches of spiritual awakening even more impressive. (to Demps) It seems, dear William, that the irony of this is that your own ego forced you into a competition that you cannot win–which is to say, your own ego has caused itself to be hurt by the very things that drive your ego in the first place.
Demps: (in tears) GodDAMNit, this isn’t fair! It’s not fair! I am the pretty one! This isn’t over…you…big…meany-head!!! (runs away)
Bentley: What an odd fellow. (to ladies) So, which one of you fine Texas hoes wants to get on your knees and kiss President Lyndon Veins Johnson?
Taking this Bentley for a test drive
Mar 3, 2008 2008 Season, Fuck the Cowboys, Kevin Bentley, Spin City, Stats
With the recent departure of Charlie Anderson to Miami, today’s signing of Kevin Bentley makes sense from a depth standpoint at the very least. I liked Anderson, but he was never going to be anything more than a backup LB on a good team. If the Dolphins want to pay him, be my guest.
But, like I said, the departure of Charlie left a need for a linebacker. Enter Kevin Bentley.
(This is where you say “who the fuck is Kevin Bentley?”)
Fear not, dear readers…I shall enlighten you. And, by “enlighten you,” I mean “Google his name and then make some sweeping generalizations that end with me embracing his signing.”
The most impressive thing about Bentley is that he is apparently agile as hell. As proof, I point you to this list, which shows Bentley tied for the sixth best shuttle time at the Combine since 1999. He is tied with Terrence Newman and Jason Allen and (perhaps even more impressive) Bentley is the ONLY linebacker on that list. His time was only one one-hundredth of a second slower than Dante Hall.
His other Combine numbers are nearly as impressive. 4.68 in the 40, a 10″ broad jump, 23 reps, and a 39 inch vertical. In short, Bentley would seem to have the tools to play in the NFL.
(Here is where you say “but that was in 2002…not exactly yesterday, asshole!”)
This is true. Since being drafted by the Browns in ‘02, he has posted one 96 tackle season (2003) and an additional season over 60 tackles (2004). He was then shipped to Seattle where he saw action almost exclusively as a special teamer. By all accounts, he was very adept at this job—as one might expect from a fast, agile, 234-lb linebacker.
In the end, I agree with Tim that this signing means both that Smithiak saw something they liked in Bentley (probably his versatility—in addition to playing special teams, he’s played all three LB positions) and that they are becoming more and more sold on the idea of Zac Diles contributing at strongside linebacker this year.
Now, maybe I am drunk (I am), but I really, REALLY like the idea of a starting LB trio of Diles, DeJesus, and Greenwood. Add to that the possible contributions of Bentley as a nickel linebacker and we (might) suddenly have depth and talent across our LB corps.
Or Diles might flop at SLB, Bentley get cut during camp, and we are back to square one. At least we aren’t giving $8MM guaranteed to learn that lesson.
