WTF?!?
Oct 19, 2008 KEYE sucks, What the fuck?
Dear KEYE,
Fuck off and die.
Love,
bfd
(Austin, apparently, is not getting the game today.)
Kickoff
Aug 7, 2008 KEYE sucks, Kickoff
Breaking News!: Brett Favre is still an insufferable, prima donna prick.
Breaking News2!: Petey is back. And, somewhere, Matt weeps a little. Then, he adds another pin to the voodoo doll.
If only they would’ve been legal: This is exactly how my letter to Penthouse starts, right after “I never thought it would happen to me.”
Sometimes, I just can’t say it any better: DiehardChris beats me and the rest of the BE-SFs to the punch. Beautifully.
Preseason TV: Unless I’m a total dumbass, and that’s possible, it looks like I won’t be able to catch the Texans/Broncos matchup on the tee-vee in Austin. Can somebody please tell me differently?
Everybody love everybody.
I’m dreaming of some zone blitzes
Dec 21, 2007 2006 Draft, Beer, Blasphemy, Bloggerating, Colts Shmolts, Fuck the Cowboys, KEYE sucks, Mormons, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Tequila
I would like to apologize to whatever cosmic force I angered. My bad. Really. Now that I have admitted my guilt, could you please stop damning me with horrible officemates? I mean, haven’t you ever heard the philosophy that once a man admits that he’s wrong, that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? It’s not like I’m making you pick up itty bitty pieces of skull on account of my dumb ass.
In addition to his incredible insights on Day 1, Dipshit Cowboys Fan Officemate (DCFO) has offered the following (note, some of these are only mind-numbingly stupid if you are a lawyer, I suppose):
- (in response to my bitching about Mario getting shafted) DeMarcus Ware has more sacks than Mario. My response: 11 is more than 13? Weird. When did that happen? Was there a press conference?
- (in response to someone asking him about bail) Are bail and bond the same thing?
- (moments later, displaying his total ignorance of the 8th Amendment) I guess they can set any bond amount they want. I can’t find anything in the case law that says it has to be reasonable.
- (regarding the 11 Cowboys on the Pro Bowl roster) With Sean Taylor gone, Roy Williams is easily the best safety in football. (I damn near spit out my coffee on this one.)
- (regarding Zoolander) David Carr could have been a Hall of Fame quarterback if you guys would have protected him.
- (regarding college) Him: I don’t understand these black kids at places like Florida State that get in trouble every year. This never would have happened at my school. Me: Where’d you go? Him: BYU.
So…yeah. This is what I am dealing with. I am currently trying to get someone to trade offices with me, but that’s not going all that well. I should probably stop beginning those negotiations with “Jesus Christ, I have to get out of that office before I light that retard on fire.”
Anyway, on to the picks. I followed the amazing perfection of two weeks ago with a hot, wet shitstorm last week. Oh well.
Last week: 9-5
Season: 135-81
Week 16 Picks
Dallas @ Carolina. Panthers fans should be happy. You think Tony Romo was distracted by Jessica Simpson’s presence last week. That’s NOTHING compared to the way he will be eyeball-fucking Zoolander. Unfortunately, Carolina fans, your team still eats balls. Pick: Dallas
JUGGERNAUT @ Indianapolis. I want to do it. I want to put down that we are going to roll into the RCA Dome, Mario is going to nail Manning more often than Kenny Chesney does, and the JUGGERNAUT is going to come out 8-7. I want to believe. And, since it’s my blog, I’m going to, goddamnit. Pick: Houston
Green Bay @ Chicago. I was just talking to my wife about DCFO and she said, “you are so negative…he can’t be that bad.” My son, standing in the background, said “Mom, he’s a Cowboys fan.” I’m the motherfucking father of the year. Pick: Green Bay
Cleveland @ Cincinnati. A possible player to keep in mind when the free agent signings start happening: Justin Smith. He’s never become the #1 DE that people thought he would, but he’s still damn good. If you could get him at a reasonable price–probably unlikely, though there are enough DE FAs this season that it is possible–he might just become a monster opposite Mario. I’m just sayin’. (Or, if you are like Tim and would rather see Travis Johnson beheaded like a kidnapped Westerner kicked to the curb, it’s worth noting that Pat Williams will be a FA as well. Put him between Mario and Manchild and you might have sheer fucking dominance. My sources say “sheer fucking dominance” is a good thing.) Pick: Cleveland
Oakland @ Jacksonville. Ideally, Oakland will win this game, Houston will win, and next week’s game will be picked up by NBC’s flex schedule due to the “trying for first winning record” v. “fighting for playoff positioning” storylines. Ideally. Problem–Oakland blows. Pick: Jacksonville
New York Giants @ Buffalo. All Eli Manning wants for Christmas is one more win. He better hope Santa fucking delivers this weekend, though, because it ain’t happening next weekend. Pick: New York Giants
Kansas City @ Detroit. The Lions are collectively still walking funny after the ass pounding they got from LDT and Co. last week. Luckily for them, the Chiefs are more of a bottom than a top. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Pick: Detroit
Philadelphia @ New Orleans. Reggie Bush is saying that he might return either this week or the next. With how he’s played so far this year, can a torn knee ligament really make that much of a difference? Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’, Eddie! Pick: Philadelphia
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco. Jeff Garcia returns to the sight of some of his greatest glory holes. Pick: Tampa Bay
Atlanta @ Arizona. Dear Arthur Blank, Up Yours. Signed, God. Pick: Arizona
New York Jets @ Tennessee. If you have any questions about how this game is going, just call your friends in Austin. They can tell you. In other news, KEYE is still a bunch of fucknuts. Pick: Tennessee
Baltimore @ Seattle. Seattle gets to play the one team in football that suffered a more embarrassing loss than they did last week. You would think that both of these teams would be fired up, looking to get back on track. But Baltimore still can’t score and Seattle is still a collective of vaginas. Pick: Seattle
Miami @ New England. If you seriously believe that there is even a chance Miami wins this game, please see your doctor. Pick: New England
Washington @ Minnesota. I love Adrian Peterson. He is a beast. With even a semblance of passing game to take the 10th man out of the box, he’s a real threat for 2,400 yards. That said, I can pick up a blitzing linebacker better than he seems able or willing to do. Minnesota should win this game, but something is making me pick against them. Pick: Washington
Denver @ San Diego. My favorite thing about going home for Christmas (or any other reason) is that my mom owns a bar. Thus, pretty much every trip up there revolves around drinking for free until I pass out. This holiday will be no different. Which means I will likely be below radio depth until Sunday afternoon. Be good, kiddies. Pick: San Diego
5 Random Thoughts About the TV Distribution for Week 16
Dec 20, 2007 2007 Season, Boobies, KEYE sucks, Self-Referential Stuff
1. Woo hoo! Houston @ Indy is on in Little Rock. Merry Christmas to me, suckas!
2. You ever get the feeling that, if allowed to choose between airing the Super Bowl and airing an MTV Cribs special on Vince Young, the KEYE producers would be really torn?
3. Why does the Kansas City/St. Joseph area of Missouri get the Tampa Bay/San Fran game instead of Packers/Bears? I ask because I honestly cannot come up with a reason.
4. Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh must be the biggest thing to come out of Oregon since that Oregon Trail computer game we all played back in the day. “You have contracted dysentery.”
5. Unhappy with the game you’re getting on Fox? Well, if you live in South Carolina, you could just go to the neighbor’s house, as they likely have a different one.
Evil EYE
Sep 6, 2007 Inanity, KEYE sucks, National Media, Preview, Righteous Indignation, Self-Referential Stuff
Living as I do in the fourth circle of Hell–Little Rock–located just between the circle where Lloyd Carr will burn for eternity and the circle where Bud Adams will toil, it’s a rarity when I get to see the Texans on regular television. It’s pretty much limited to
- (a) when they play the Cowgirls, because they are “America’s Team” and, by “America,” I mean “Mouthbreathing Rednecks” (which appeals to the key demographic here);
- (b) when they play the Jaguars, because the Jags feature former Arkansas Razorback Matt Jones, whose career I gather is of much importance to people in a state without professional sports; and
- (c) when they play a very good team in the 3pm game, which is self-explanatory.
Of course, considering I don’t live in Texas, I don’t have a lot of room to complain about the above situation. I mean, we are technically closer to Dallas than just about any team save perhaps the Rams (I am too lazy to mapquest this assertion). And, hell, at least the collective Matt Jones bukkake party lets me see the Houston Juggernauts twice per season. So, yeah, it could be worse. But, again, that is because I live in Little Rock.
If I lived in Austin, TX, however, and had to deal with this kind of crap, I’d be livid. First of all, I am guessing Austinites (Austonians? Austronauts?) see a helluva lot of Cowboys games, despite being closer to the Space City than Romotropolis. Adding insult to this injury, though, it seems that the Austin affiliate has decided that Vince Young and the Titans are more television worthy than the Texans/Chiefs tilt.
Bud Adams stole the Oilers from Houston (now the Titans), left the city with a huge stadium bill to pay, and broke the hearts of Texas pro football fans all over the state. How does K-EYE repay a man that Texas wants to wash their hands of? Play their team over the local team in the state’s capitol [sic].
As I was rather bored today, I called KEYE to ask about the situation.
Random Lady: Kaaay-Eeee-Whyyyy-Eeee
Me: Hi, could you transfer me to programming?
RL: What is this regarding, hon?
Me: Um, your programming.
RL: Is this about the Texans?
Me: Are you in charge of programming?
RL: No.
Me: I see. So… can I speak to programming?
RL: Is anyone expecting your call?
Me: Well, I’d guess that they are expecting a whole lot of these calls if you are screening for them.
RL: I can give you a voicemail.
Me: Whose voicemail?
RL: Programmin’s.
Me: The person in charge of programming is named “Programmin?”
RL: Wh– hold on. [click]
That’s right… she hung up on me. Which makes me think I was not the first person to call about this situation. Reading some of the responses from Texans fans in the Austin viewing area, I doubt I will be the last.
