Kickoff - “Oh, yeah, we are supposed to do these morning posts” Edition
Nov 19, 2008 2008 Season, Anger, Antwaun > Petey, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Boobies, Damn it, Fire Richard Smith, Kickoff, Vince Young can't read this post
Signs Your Season Is Not Going Well No. 232203: People are writing wire service stories entitled “Somebody stick a fork in the Texans.” Better idea–somebody stick a fork deep inside Richard Smith’s skull. And then twist it around. And then pee on him. /anger issues
Now, to distract you with boobies.
Random Thought: People who are Titans fans only because Vince Young was drafted by the Titans should all be stabbed in the face. You root for a draft pick bust and get rewarded with the second-best team in the NFL right now? Fuck you to death, asshole.
Scout. It was nice of the Plain Dealer to write up a real scouting report and not mention Sage sucking, us sucking generally on the road, or any of the myriad other flaws they could have found. Hey, Antwaun Molden went to a local high school! Huzzah!
Finally. More cheerleaders!
Kickoff - “Clever Title Goes Here” Edition
Nov 12, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Frank Okam is an evil genius, Fuck, Fuck Jared Allen, Fuck the Cowboys, H/T Eric, Kickoff, Rendhel and Sid
Typical Chrontardation. Pancakes discusses the draft in terms of if/when we should take a QB. (My answer: Somewhere after we take Brian Orakpo.) He also comments on how we need a large, space-eating DT. Two questions: Where have I heard that before over the last year and a half? Does he not realize Frank Okam is on the team and that we’d be better off trying to develop him for at least a year or two before we draft another NT?
Boom! Flame on, bitch! This article on no-name coaches succeeding with teams that were (more or less) shit last year saddens me. And by “saddens me,” I mean “makes me want to light Richard Smith on fire.” At least then, we’d accomplish two things: 1. See if Kubiak can succeed when not laden with defensive incompetence. 2. Yummy roasted marshmallows.
Great. Manchild questionable for Sunday. As is my sanity at this point.
Finally. The following people, places and things can go fuck themselves:
- The Tennessee Titans
- The Dallas Cowboys
- Ohio State
- Sage RosenFAILs
- Jared Allen
- Fans of any of the above-mentioned, not that I expect there are many who can read this.
- People who write checks at places that accept debit cards. Greetings from the future, fucknut.
- People who use “literally” when they don’t mean it. Oh, you “LITERALLY” died when she said that? No, you didn’t. Fuck you.
- Richard Smith, but only if he’s fucking himself with a thermos wrapped in razor wire.
- The person in front of me at Starbucks yesterday who was telling the coffee-serving fuck all about her date and then got annoyed at me when I suggested that she “save that crap for when there’s no one else in line, hon.”
- Also, the coffee-serving fuck for having an attitude after I cut that conversation short. Shut your scone-hole and get me a goddamned overpriced cup of shitty coffee. And smile about it.
Random Gratuitous Picture Intended Mainly For My Buddy, Rendhel
Kickoff - “Hug a Veteran” Edition
Nov 11, 2008 Kickoff
You gotta love this country. Countless brave Americans (including Texans bloggers SOLIS and socctty) have served in the Armed Forces, so I somehow get a day off work. Awesome. Also, somewhat related, yesterday was the Marine Corps’ birthday, so all you female readers should give your favorite Marine a lapdance or a cookie or something.
On to the links:
Yeah, THAT’S exactly what I wanted to hear. It shouldn’t be a surprise, as we saw Amobi Okoye hit a similar wall last year, but it seems that Stevie Wonder–like many rookies who get extensive playing time–is “worn down” according to Kubes. Translation: You know that running game that we’ve had most weeks? Fuggedaboudit.
Ouch. Alan Burge, who could give Chris a run for his money when it comes to pessimism about this team, says the Texans are “a joke.” I might not go quite that far–after all, it’s hardly a joke that prior to Schaub’s injury they were a top 5 offense (and in more than just yardage)–but I see what he’s getting at.
Filed under “Signs your season is not going well.” Some dude I’ve never heard of writes a column about how the team is on the verge of becoming either a playoff team…or the Detroit Lions. More talk of “should Gary be fired,” too. That topic deserves its own column, however.
Side note. Both the Burge piece and the one above this mention Schaub’s fragility. Let’s be clear on something: missing time because a cheap-shot artist took multiple hacks at your MCL is not fragility. Missing time because Antwaan Odom jumped on you and drove you in to the turf? Arguable fragility, but a hit that would have hurt many (if not most) QBs. Missing time because Albert Haynesworth comes unblocked and hits you at full speed in your ear hole? Not fragility. If anything, it seems like Schaub has some bad luck, in that most of the hits he takes are either cheap or incredibly violent.
Finally. I’m reasonably sure her uniform fails to meet certain regulations. And I’m happy about that.
Kickoff - “Readers react” Edition
Nov 3, 2008 Awfulness, Guest Posts, H/T Eric, I really dig my readers, Kickoff
A number of good emails came in prior to and (especially) after the game. Git yo read on, homeslice.
From Edgar:
So we all know how god-like Andre is on the field. Anybody who knows anything about football will most likely concede that this guy is one of the most talented receivers in the game, if not the most talented. Yet somehow we can’t go more than a few days without hearing of an article by a sportswriter who thinks he is having this big epiphany by extolling Andre’s virtues. My question is this: do you think if Andre was more of a diva on and off the field like just about every other wide receiver in the league he would get more props?
It almost seems like his hard work ethic, unselfish nature, and consistent performance on the field would be a slight detriment in that his name isn’t being tossed around nearly as much as much less talented receivers. Does this matter to him? Most likely not, and it shouldn’t matter to us either but I was just curious to see if you had any thoughts on the matter. The guy is just too good to not be on every single list of the top receivers, and I think his quiet nature is part of the reason—people just forget.
I’d agree with that. Hell, in the pregame yesterday, Bill Cowher gave his Top 12 WRs list and Andre was number one. One of the other twits said something about “do you think anyone even knows who Andre Johnson is?” My constant reply to that idea is “if they have a damned clue about anything other than their team (which is most likely the Cowboys), they sure as hell do.” But, yeah, I think the fact that he is so classy about everything makes him take a backseat press-wise to turds like Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens. And, of course, it doesn’t help that he’s never made a playoff appearance.
From Will “The Thrill”:
The O-Line got owned. That contributed to a lot of problems.
As bad as they played, we should have won it, but gave another game away with stupid fucking turnovers. Not just turnovers. Stupid Fucking Turnovers. As Alex Gibbs told Rosenfels after that INT, “What the fuck was that?”
Our front 7 played the best game of the year on D.
Our secondary had the worst game of the year. Dunta included. Fuck Jaques Reeves. Even with Dunta getting burned, what case can be made for any other CB combo than Bennett-Robinson?
The only reason Reeves intercepts that ball is because he was behind the reciever and the ball was thrown behind then tipped.
Duane Brown: fuck!
Hey Sage: those timeouts are precious. Quit fucking burning them.
Chris Myers: learn how to snap the fucking ball.
Schaub: If you’re going to be the man, you can’t fucking throw to the other team. Also, hold on to the fucking ball when you get hit.
FUCK
A while later, again from Will:
Riddle me this:
What’s really different about this team from last year?
Better:
Steve Slaton is a glaring positive.Tim Bulman and Earl Cochran big improvements.
Mario looks better than he did last year.
Worse:
Our O-Line is arguably worse with a first rounder and a big name coach.
Our secondary is worse with a big name coach.
Tackling has went down hill.
A couple of key players to our long term success have regressed: Fred Bennett, Amobi Okoye and Eric Winston.
Same:
QB play still inconsistent. I don’t have the stats, but Schaub has to fumble at least 1 in every 3 hits. At least 1 in 4.As good as Schaub is, he’s still good for some really boneheaded INT’s.
Maybe why he’s 1-10 as a starter on the road now.
Same fucking stupid clock management.
I can’t blame much on defense playcalling this week. But fuck, we’re talking about the Vikings O. Aside from AP, what ‘real’ weapons do they have.
I could keep on going, but it just seems like it’s more of the fucking same old shit. I think we’re staring 7-9 or 8-8 and another non-playoff-berth [season] right in the eyes right now. Which probably guarantees more of the same next year.
FUCK.
I wish I could disagree with the last part, about how 7-9 or 8-8 gives us more of the same, but I can’t. I can already hear the “see…we finished 8-4″ or whatever. As if the first four losses somehow shouldn’t count. I will say this, however, even if we won out and did not allow another point all year, I would still be calling for Richard Smith’s head. If he’s shown anything this year, it is that any defensive success we have is in spite of him and certainly not because of him. When Jacques Reeves is getting targeted on EVERY SINGLE PASS, you might want to ask yourself “self, is Reeves really that bad?” The answer is “YES.” But I am positive Smith has not had that conversation with himself at all.
Finally, from Eric:
WTF morning guys!
This might be an easy note, ’cause it’s the consistent problems we’ve played with during the Kubiak era. Who’s in charge? Shanny is OC and Kubes makes the offensive calls. Gibbs rips Sage (while he’s leaving the field) after his dunderheaded interception. Richard Smith is *cough* *gag* the DC and has never made a game plan to beat a Pop Warner co-ed team. So, here are my four (4) problems with these Texans (not in any specific order):
1) Can’t win on the road
2) Clock mgmt.
3) Turnovers
4) Richard Smith
The Texans have not won on the road in over a year! One fucking year!?! In the comfy confines of Reliant, our boyz look like a legitimate NFL team. On the road, they seem unprepared, under performing, and out played. (In the Denny Green voice) “They are who we thought they were! If you want to crown them, then crown their asses!” Not a crown of gold, of course, but a dunce cap will do. Why?
Sage’s interception was/is inexcusable. Thinking they had a first down, the coaches fail to get the play in, when in fact they were now 3rd and short and the play clock was then inside the 15 second time frame and his helmet headset shuts off. Instead of calling a timeout, Sage calls the play (w/Kubes and baby Shanny oblivious to what’s going on) and instead of regrouping and burning the T/O, running a play that might get the 1st, or settling for 3 pts., Sage throws the pick. Why?
Since Kubes is the lead engineer of the train, he’s responsible for the train wreck. I’ve tired of him coming to these pressers and proclaiming “it’s all on me” and following it up the next week with the same glaring problems. During TC, these buffoons wore on their asses “protect the ball (offense)” and “get the ball (defense)” or some such shit. What has changed? The “red zone” seems to be the time our QBs decide it’s time to either throw it away or lay it on the ground. The defense cannot strip the ball nor do they have a ball hawk in the secondary, to go get the ball. Why?
Richard Smith….need I say more? Why?
Did you know that Football Outsiders shows the Texans as 26th in the league in offensive efficiency in the 1st quarter and 2nd in the league in the second quarter? Why? Now Schaub might have to sit for two (2) weeks with a sprained left knee. The bus will be driven by “Rosenchoppa”, who had everything to prove from the Indy meltdown, proving he could be a starter in this league, and playing before friends and family 5 hours away. He displayed the same tendencies he showed against Indy and that 3rd round pick from the Vikes is a distant memory. Yes, we need him and is a luxury to have as a back-up but, if we’re laying an egg, pull the trigger.
Well said. “Why?” could be the overarching theme of the entire season right now.
Kickoff - “Your David Carr costume is not complete without proper handwear” Edition
Oct 31, 2008 Boobies, H/T Eric, I ask that you wash it first, I really dig my readers, Inanity, Kickoff, Super Mario
If you were going to go as a former or current Texan for Halloween, who would it be and what would you do to make it funny/interesting? (Because if there’s anything more gay than just wearing a football jersey as a “costume,” I can’t think of what it is. I mean, other than dudes sucking off dudes or whatever.)
We’re really not that different, you and I. Brought to my attention by both Eric and GlassHalfFull, it seems that Chester Pitts has a blog at the Chronicle. I give it three weeks before it is more readable than anything Pancakes or Assmaster writes. I give it far less time than that before some Cowboy-fan troll starts talking semi-literate shit.
Nashville North? I link to this article re: the Texans/Vikings game simply for this blurb from the comments.
but there still the texans
the have beat the dolphins (who have gotten better), lions, and bengals. but if the players continue not to exucute plays and make stupid mistakes like missed tackles and special (ed) teams. They will lose. again
posted by khs145 on Oct 30, 08 at 8:06 pm
I count five grammatical/spelling/punctuation errors, eight capitalization errors, and one gigantic dose of irony.
Manchild. Dallas Morning News story about how the Texans are looking for more out of Amobi. We all are, of course. The thing I don’t get, though, is Kubiak quotes about how Mario struggled as a rookie and then figured things out. Not to rehash old shit, but Mario had a foot injury most of that year and was moved all over the place (including inside to DT) by a retarded DC, then turned into a god when two of those three things were corrected in year two. Amobi came in and played very well from the jump then seemed to hit a wall and hasn’t played well so far in his second season. I don’t see the parallel there. (Note: My theory is just that he is still very young and is growing into his position as many DTs do. I’m just saying I don’t think the comparison to Mario is particularly instructive.)
Finally. Happy Halloween. This young lass went as Sexy Mario last year. If you are a female reader of similar build, I suggest you do the same. If you actually ARE the female in this picture, I suggest you send more pics of yourself to bfd.
Kickoff - “First Full Day In The New Digs” Edition
Oct 30, 2008 Andre Johnson, David Anderson's Dance Party, H/T Eric, I really dig my readers, Kickoff
Underrated Greatness. Everyone’s favorite WR—and the best WR in football right now—could set two records on Sunday.
When Houston plays Minnesota on Sunday, Johnson can become the first NFL player to record five consecutive games of 130 or more receiving yards. Last week, he tied Lance Alworth and Harold Jackson with four such games in a row.
But if that weren’t enough, Johnson also can become the first NFL player with four consecutive games of at least 10 receptions, tying Brett Perriman and Reggie Wayne.
The next person who says they’d rather have TO than AJ is getting punched in the face repeatedly. Gotta beat some sense into ‘em somehow.
That’ll do, pig. Wednesday’s practice report contains a couple nuggets, most notably this one:
During their four-game home stand, the Texans played some of the best football the organization has to offer. They enter the week with the fourth-ranked offense in the NFL, 11th in rushing (118.4) and fifth in passing (253.1).
Reeeeeportiiiiiing forrrrrr duuuurrrrrrrrrrty. Conan O’Brien took time out to acknowledge David Anderson’s TD dance and give some pointers on how to do it right. (h/t Jakob).
Finally.
Kickoff - “How bad does the Rosencopter sting right now?” Edition
Oct 28, 2008 2008 Season, Boobies, Colts Shmolts, H/T Eric, Kickoff, The Schaub Experiment
First off, yes, I am aware that the spacing on the blog is all fucked right now. No, I have no idea why. Yes, this irritates me. No, I don’t plan on spending a lot of time trying to fix it. So there.
Watching the end of the game last night, I couldn’t help but think how much better I’d feel about life if we were 4-3 and the Colts were 2-5. God, I hate the Colts. Don’t get me wrong, I hate the Titans more, but it’s all kinds of fun watching the Colts struggle. Mainly because their fans are such douchebags.
Anyway, on to the links.
Idiocy. John Czarnecki asks “Have you ever heard of Andre Johnson?” (If you haven’t you are a braindead fuck who understands football like Titans fans understand indoor plumbing.) He goes on to say how great Andre is, thus assuring his job as anchor for the 5pm broadcast of the No Fucking Shit News Network.
Hopefulness. A blurb from the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:
The Metrodome might be home to the loudest artficially manufactured noise in the NFL, but it really hasn’t been much of an advantage during the Brad Childress era. Childress is 10-9 at home, including 2-1 this season.
Repetition. Another week, another chance to vote for a Texan for some sort of weekly honor. And that doesn’t even count Sage RosenFAIL’s near-weekly winning of the DGDB&D Player I’d Like To Kill award.
Finally. It’s one week until erection day.
Kickoff - “This ‘Winning’ thing? I like it.” Edition
Oct 27, 2008 2008 Season, Awesomeness, Boobies, Dunta Robinson, Jacoby Jones is slighty less unheralded, Kickoff
PLEASE NOTE: THE SITE IS ACTING TRAVIS-JOHNSON-LEVEL RETARDED WHEN WE TRY TO POST PICS AT THE TOP, SO THERE WON’T BE ANY FOR A BIT. ALSO, WORDPRESS CAN BLOW ME. OK…NOW IT’S JUST RANDOMLY ACTING STUPID. FUCK.
Scoreboard. Fuckin’ A, Peterman. Fuckin’. A.
Your dreams were your ticket out. Dear Cincinnati, Thanks for not keeping me. No really. To show my appreciation, suck on these two TDs. Love, Kevin.
Leader in the clubhouse. Dunta Robinson’s INT at the end of the game was more than just a “hell, yeah, Dunta’s back!” moment. It was also the franchise record 12th INT of Dunta’s career.
Finally.
Kickoff - “Dear Cinci, Skyline Chili can suck my ass” Edition
Oct 24, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Boobies, H/T Eric, Kickoff
Meh. A quick history lesson from Kuharsky on the Teaxns’ quest for a third-straight win. Nothing in there that really makes you upbeat except for the Bengals’ scoring differential so far in 2008.
Speaking of “meh.” If you’ve read any of the Burge articles of late, you know he hasn’t exactly been all Pollyanna about this team. Call it cynicism, cold logic, or fatalism, but Burge continues that theme by claiming that the Bengals are “poised for a breakout” against your Texans. Boo, I say!
Art imitating life? Everyone knows you can get a virus by actually GOING to Tennesee. But apparently your computer can get one from a Tennessee Titans fan site as well.
VeteranJoin Date: Apr 2007Posts: 284Rep Power: 8Virus at GoTitans.com don’t visit the site
There’s a virus over on the GoTitans board.Some of you guys visit so this is a heads up.
The board is down at the moment but the front page of the forum has been opening in a way that you can see the HTML code.If this happens you get a windows pop up asking if you wish to download the PHP file.
If you click yes you get the trojan/virus. Your fine as long as you don’t click yes.
Finally. Caption this interview.
Kickoff - “Total Randomness” Edition
Oct 23, 2008 H/T Eric, I was told there would be no math, Kickoff, Non-Texan stuff, Stats
On offense. Hooston Texan over at Texans Talk has a nice breakdown of how our offense is scoring, scoring well, and scoring without much help on the other side of the ball. An excerpt:
Our offense is getting next to no help from the defense and special teams in getting points. In my research, I looked at the scoring drives for the 22 teams that totaled more than 124 points (obviously, the other 9 could not have more “unassisted” points if they had fewer than 124 total points), and every one of those teams had at least 13 more “assisted” points than we have. Except one: Dallas also had only 16. Imagine how many more points we would have scored with an occasional turnover or long return. Ugh.
In other news, the sky is blue. Following up on last night’s Owen “Elvis” Daniels post, here’s something from the mothership about how Daniels really is becoming one of the best TEs in football. As if you didn’t already know that.
I’m not leaving ’til I get my stuff! Marroncito is giving away free tickets to this weekend’s game. All you have to do is bare a little bit of your soul.
Finally. Unrelated to football, but Dave and Lee have moved up to the big time. The Dream Shake is now a part of SBN. 1. Move to SBN. 2. ????. 3. Profit!
Kickoff - “Ericgasm” Edition
Oct 21, 2008 H/T Eric, Kickoff
Lots of good stuff from the Lord of the Links today.
From the Texansbullpen.com, the photos from Sunday game.
Here’s a little known fact about Zac Diles’ production so far this year. Can you say goodbye to Morlon after the season?
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Diles might have had his best game of the season yesterday. Tied for the team lead with six tackles and had a sack, two tackles for a loss, a QB hit and a pass defensed. He leads the team in tackles with 45, an average of 7.5 per game. Definitely not bad for a quote-unquote undersized guy who was drafted in the seventh round last season. NS __________________________________________________________________________________
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Kubes 3:30 presser. About Andre Davis’s finger:
Davis undergoes surgery: Wide receiver André Davis underwent surgery Monday evening on his left ring finger. Davis, who has seven catches for 123 yards so far this season, has been playing with the injured finger for several weeks.
“It’s just been giving him fits,” coach Gary Kubiak said. “So we’re going to go in there today, and they are going to go ahead and take a look and see if they can, it’s my understanding, to see if they can set it. If they can’t set it, they may have to put a small pin in there, which could set him back. But we’re going to keep our fingers crossed that he plays next week.”
If doctors are able to set Davis’ finger without a pin, then the he could play on Sunday against the Bengals.
From Pancakes and chron.com come these quotes from Kubes and some of the players about developing a “killer instinct.” Now, is this incompetence, blind loyalty, feeling the fans’ wrath, or putting Richard Smith on notice?
Kubiak, who admitted he was relieved after the game, said a big part of developing a killer instinct belongs to the coaching staff. Kubiak said he and defensive coordinator Richard Smith have to remain aggressive and not become conservative when they build a lead.
“That’s very important,” Kubiak said. “Me as a play-caller and Richard as a defensive caller (know that) confidence in your players keeps you aggressive and doesn’t make you say, ‘Well, I better not make a mistake here.’
“So we instill that in our players. We tell them we’re going to do that. I think we’ve been aggressive as a team. I think that’s why we’re playing extremely well in spurts. Now, the maturity of the football team I think will enable them to play well over a longer period of time.”
More thoughts and sounds of the Texans (courtesy of someone else).
Kuharsky raises some interesting thoughts on our team rotations.
Vote now! Vote often!
Not NFL, but you decide (if you haven’t seen this).
Kickoff - “Where Wins Feel Like Losses and Losses Look Like Wins” Edition
Oct 20, 2008 2008 Season, Fire Richard Smith, Kickoff, Reggie Bush shat himself, Teams that aren't the Texans
Another week, another game that was tough on the bloodpressure and the willingness to not maim Richard Smith. Lots of stuff to cover today, time willing, so let’s get to the links.
Truth to power. Alan Burge says the “Texans are going nowhere” until the defense plays better. Can’t disagree with that at all. I have no idea how you play the Lions and don’t force a single turnover. (I do disagree with the idea, however, that all 30 other NFL teams would have beaten the Texans yesterday.)
No link, but… How awful was the officiating (from a Texans perspective) in that fourth quarter? Not roughing the kicker? Ticky-tack personal foul against Will Demps? (Not to mention the personal foul against Fred that the TV didn’t show clearly.) Very, very awful.
The Petey Faggins Experience. From the Chicago Tribune, a write-up on the game features this nugget:
The Texans punted early in the fourth quarter, pinning the Lions at their own 4-yard line. Calvin Johnson ran past the Texans’ defense and caught a perfect pass from Orlovsky and scored. It was Detroit’s longest pass play since 1998 and the fourth longest in team history.
Finally.
Another year, another injury for Captain Douchebag.
Kickoff - “Jon Kitna Masturbates To The Bible” Edition
Oct 17, 2008 Dunta Robinson, Ha ha... you like the Lions, Inanity, Kickoff, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans
I have no idea if that is true, but you believed it for just a moment, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?!?
Impressive. Steph lays out a case for firing Richard Smith and manages to do so without using “fuck,” “retard,” or “his defensive scheme is less watchable than your grandma fucking a midget.”
The Legacy of Matt Millen. Since 2001—a year in which the Texans did not yet exist—the Texans have won more games than the Detroit Lions. In other words, Detroit Lions fans are the one fanbase that even Texans fans should pity.
Reminder. THE ORIGINAL BAD MOTHERFUCKER, DUNTA ROBINSON, IS BACK!
Finally. Flashback time.
Paging Amobi Okoye
Oct 16, 2008 Amobi Okoye is an adult, Awesomeness, Kickoff, Super Mario
I wasn’t even going to post anything today because I’ve got other stuff going on and there was no real news to speak of, but this is too good to pass up (H/T James):
On the other side of the ball, Williams leads the NFL since Oct. 1, 2007 with 18.0 sacks, including five multisack games. It’s hard to argue anymore with the Texans use of the top pick in the 2006 draft.
Most sacks since Oct. 1, 2007Player-------------Games--Sacks---Sacks/gameMario Williams, HOU 17 18.0 1.06Demarcus Ware, DAL 18 17.0 0.94Jared Allen, KC/MIN 18 16.5 0.92Patrick Kerney, SEA 17 16.0 0.94K. Vanden Bosch, TEN 17 15.5 0.91
If ANYONE else on the defensive line steps up and gets some consistent penetration, Mario is going to break some records this year or next.
Kickoff - “All Eric, All The Time” Edition
Oct 15, 2008 Dancing With the 'Tards, Dunta Robinson, H/T Eric, Kickoff
I am busy this morning—no, it has nothing to do with cock, prisoner or otherwise—so I am giving you the kickoff links in the same form I got them from Eric. Enjoy. Or don’t. I don’t really care.
As our storied franchise prepares for the ultimate battle against the stoic Detroit Lions on Sunday, we’ll continue to look at the Juggernaut, these Houston Texans!
We’ll start with a rewind of the “miracle play” of Matt Schaub, with .03 ticks on the clock, to snatch victory from the jaws of possible defeat! (please note the dramatic pauses and voice inflections to get the true spirit:
http://www.nfl.com/videos?videoId=09000d5d80ba4461
Alan Burge at Houston Examiner has a good write up of Dunta and his return:
http://www.examiner.com/x-778-Houston-Texans-Examiner~y2008m10d14-Welcome-back-Dunta
Brooke Bentley talks with Dunta about his return and some video of him crushing people (God, why can’t I see slobber-knocker plays like that from the other D players?):
http://www.houstontexans.com/tv/index.asp?mm_file_id=2655
Kitna to the IR and maybe the QB graveyard:
http://www.freep.com/article/20081014/COL01/81014093/1049/SPORTS01
Not to end this on a shitty note by giving you a Pancakes article, but it has an interesting note on franchises finally getting it right:
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/sports/6058739.html
That’s it for now,
Eric
Kickoff - “Matt Will Try To Be More Positive Today” Edition
Oct 14, 2008 Andre Johnson, Hi Steve!, Kickoff, Super Mario
Let’s not start sucking each other dicks just yet. Interesting statistical breakdown of Schaub’s performance on Sunday. Long story short, no one has ever won with that many attempts and such a low completion percentage. On the other hand, thank Christ for Andre Johnson.
I only mention it because sometimes there’s a man—I won’t say a hero, ’cause, what’s a hero? Sometimes, there’s a man. And I’m talkin’ about the Mario here… Once again, Super Mario is up for NFL Defensive Player of the Week. If he doesn’t make the Pro Bowl, the Pro Bowl is dead to me. (Yeah, yeah…it’s already dead to me, but it could be DEADER.)
West By God Virginia! Did you ever think you’d see the day where a Texans running back was listed in an article about the ten most valuable fantasy football players? Me neither. Welcome, Steve. And bless you. (BTW–that article kinda sucks, but it was still nice to see Stevie Wonder on there.)
Finally. You are seriously taking your life into your own hands giving Mario Williams bunny ears in public, holmes.
Kickoff - “1-4 and looking for more!” Edition
Oct 13, 2008 2008 Season, Fuck the Cowboys, H/T Eric, Kickoff, Uncategorized
Photo courtesy: “Andy Martin www.texansbullpen.com”
Dolphins pull a Texans???: How about, the Texans pull a Colts? We won the game; the Fins did not lose it. Let’s get this straight now.
Childbirth?: I wouldn’t go that far, either, but quite….imaginative…imagery from Keith at ITB. Let me end by saying, “Ewwwwwwww.”
Yep: Typically awesome summary by Chris.
Still a Dick: Joey Porter style.
“Karma Bites Back”: Can’t put it any more clearly than Dave did when he sent the news along (beating Eric by a whopping 80 minutes!!!). Tony Romo broke his pinky, clearly while trying to finger TO during an actual play in OT (what can he say? He just couldn’t wait!). You’d have thought the whole hand would get broken during that move, but I’m clearly no expert. WillFist4Food, what’s your professional, all-knowing take?
Purty Pictures: As Eric linked to previously, some fun pics from the game via TexansBullpen.com, who also gave us permission to use the picture above. Thank you!
Yes: I still have wood. Thanks for asking.
485: Net total yards, setting a Texans franchise record, against a team that had been giving up only 289 per game as one of the best defenses in the league. One more time: We won this game. We earned the win.
Kickoff - “Two Days Until Our First Victory (That Should, In All Honesty, Be At Least Our Second And Probably Our Third)” Edition
Oct 10, 2008 2008 Season, Dancing With the 'Tards, H/T Eric, Hi Steve!, Kickoff, Rosie Rosenfels, Teams that aren't the Texans
That’s right, bitchez. I’m calling it. No suspense, no drama—we’re winning this game 31-13 with both Stevie Wonder (yes, I am saying it over and over to purge the idea of Scuba Steve) and Andre Johnson going off.
Sacre bleu! This isn’t really new news, as it was discussed earlier this week, but I find it funny that the underlying theme of this article about the Texans in a French paper is that the team is not going to surrender. McNair has confidence in them and, by extension, in Gary Kubiak. That’s good. I think. (More on Kubiak later today if time permits.)
Boom! Dale Roberson at the paper that shan’t be named has an article on the Dolphins’ WildCat formation, but Eric brings up an interesting question. Namely, if Pennington is lined up at tailback or in the slot, do that make him fair game for a DE or LB to blow him up as he tries to block? I would certainly think so, and I encourage such actions wholeheartedly.
AHNOLD! A photoshopped version of the Rosencopter. I agree with Spencer Hall: everything is improved with Ahnold doing a voice over.
Finally. The Arkansas State Fair starts today and, while you couldn’t pay me enough to go suffer through that “fun,” I heard something on the radio this morning that explains a lot. Apparently, at one food booth, you can get a Pig Licker. This is a deep fried strip of bacon, dipped in chocolate, and sprinkled with salt and candy sprinkles. And, for a beverage to wash down that bit of health food, the person suggested FRIED DR. PEPPER. I have no idea how that even works.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have a heart attack just from writing that description.
Kickoff - “0-4 Eats My Nuts” Edition
Oct 7, 2008 2008 Season, His name is Earl, Kickoff, Rosie Rosenfels, Trent Green's mushed up brains
News and happenings while we all still ponder what the fuck Sage Rosencopter was thinking.
Bad News Travels Fast. Even the goddamned Canadians are talking about how awful the Texans’ collapse was. Great. “A day removed from perhaps the worst collapse in their short history, the winless Texans had many ways to describe their stunning loss to the Indianapolis Colts.”
Would someone please just shank Anthony Weaver? You want a perfect example of how stats don’t always tell the whole story? Look at Earl Cochran’s line for the year. Yet I don’t think you’d find anyone who would argue that Cochran hasn’t been our second-best DE whenever he’s been on the field.
The oddsmakers know. It’s not a stretch to say we were this close to being 2-2 right now, which explains why we are still favored to beat the Miami Dolphins (2-2) this weekend. In fact, Travis Johnson is sharpening his kneecap as we speak.
Finally. Caption this photo of Sage Rosenfels and Big Papa Pump at a ping pong tourney. (No, seriously.)
Kickoff - “Grumpy Old Men” Edition
Oct 3, 2008 2008 Season, Kickoff
Hey, at least it’s not a lemon party edition!
Panic City, population of 53: Are the Colts heading into panicky idiot mode? For the love of Bitchephant, I sure hope so. (h/t Eric)
Lovin’ Steve: Nice article on Yahoo! Sports about our franchise RB, Slick Steve Slaton. Look, you can have your Domanick Williams-Davis-Pettigrew-Choi-Martinez, but Slaton is the first RB I’ve liked this much in a while. (h/t Eric - now you see why it’s the grumpy old men edition?)
Finally: In this edition of “What Tim Said.”
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT: Fact is, if the Texans lose this game, it’s going to be a loooooooong season in Space City. That also translates to a looooooong and depressing season here at BRB, and I’m going to fight that with every last ounce of my prognosticating skills. Call it Colts 27, Texans 30 via a winning FG by Kris Brown. Let us pray.
I think we are going to beat the Colts with our offense.
Matt’s weekly prognistications are coming soon, as well!
