Kickoff
Jul 15, 2008 Frank Okam is an evil genius, Kickoff, Kris Brown's golden leg, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Please let the season start soon, Teams that aren't the Texans
Praise Durga. As Steph mentioned in the comments to a previous post, Peyton Manning will miss about 6 weeks after having surgery to remove an infected bursa sac. They say he will be ready to go by the start of the season, but a 10-year vet having knee surgery (even minor knee surgery) doesn’t sound like the type of thing that is guaranteed to turn out well. Some people would say, “man, I hope he comes back because I want the Colts to be at full strength when we beat them.” To that, I say “you, sir, are an idiot.”
The other guys on the team / Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads / And also like to hide the special shoe / I need to kick in the snow. Scout.com interviewed Kris Brown. It’s your typical Q&A fluff, though the part about tuition reimbursement for former players is kind of neat. (OK, fine, it’s not neat. You win. I only posted this story so I could bust out some Lonesome Kicker lyrics.)
They say nothing of Frank Okam’s evil genius, however. Nothing new in this breakdown of Texans’ training camp goals, but it does repeat all the stuff we’ve been talking about for a while. I’m just glad to finally see other outlets saying this stuff instead of “line bad…bah, Texans suck” or whatever.
I woke up Sunday mornin’ with no way to hold my head that didn’t hurt
Dec 24, 2007 2007 Season, Broken Record, Colts Shmolts, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, God hates ugly, Kris Brown's golden leg, Matt Turk rules, Posts that list too many players, Rosie Rosenfels, Super Mario, The Fred, Travis Johnson, Von
In the spirit of the holiday season, let us start with the good things from yesterday’s game. This will be a short list.
- Mario Williams. Super Mario continued to show that he should not only be on the Pro Bowl roster, but should be a starter, putting up a sack in his sixth straight game and keeping pace as the AFC leader. It’s a bit premature, but I am going to come out and say it now–next year, anything less than 18 sacks will disappoint me. (He did get fooled on the Dallas Clark end around, but, Christ, who didn’t?)
- Earl Cochran. I have no idea how he does it, but Earl gets to the ball more or less unblocked more often than not. Hell, he made a tackle on the RB eight yards downfield at one point. He’s fast, aggressive, and has fluid hips that allow him to turn in space. If we don’t keep him around, it’s a mistake.
- Fred Bennett. I love The Fred. The back-to-back passes to Wayne (second one for a TD) notwithstanding, Fred played his ass off all day. 11 tackles, a forced fumble, two great breaks on balls to break up passes…the fact that he languished on the bench while Petey was out there stinking up the joint is still irritating. The good news, though, is that a Bennett/Dunta Robinson combo would mean we finally had two real CBs.
- DeMeco Ryans. Injured knee nothing. It pretty much doesn’t matter which direction the play goes or where Ryans is lined up pre-snap–if the ball leaves the QBs hand, there is roughly a 74.4% chance that DeMeco will be in on the play that brings the ball carrier down. Amazing. The announcers–who, by the way, sucked–mentioned that over the last two seasons, Ryans has more tackles than ANYONE in football. He’s good like that.
- Andre Johnson. Same as it ever was, AJ is just a monster. He’d have been even better Sunday had Sage not eyeball humped him as he ran his routes (more on that later).
- Andre Davis. The man is a special teams ninja.
- Matt Turk. Never a good sign when his 4 punts for a 44.5 yard average are a highlight.
Now for the bad. These are the little lumps of coal in the stocking of my life.
- The secondary other than Fred Bennett. Will Demps seems to knock the crap out of people on every hit, yet, strangely, he doesn’t really knock people flat on their asses most of the time. I can’t figure it out. Case in point, Kenton Keith took Demps’ hit head on, paused briefly, and then moved forward for additional yards. I like Will and I’m glad he’s been so good for us, but this could be a problem. Even more of a problem is the fact that C.C. Brown only hits people with any sort of authority when they are extended or not looking. When the opposing player could see him coming, Brown was as harmless as a fart on a windy day Sunday. Even more irritating, though, was the way he played his position (or, more accurately, didn’t play his position). He was nowhere to be seen on Joe Addai’s TD run (Charlie Anderson also whiffed on this one, but Brown was noticeably absent behind him), he got juked out of his shorts by Clark in the open field, he nearly airballed when he went to shove Clark out of bounds later, he was late to pick up Wayne in the two-deep coverage after Bennett released him, and he vacated his position on Clark’s second TD catch. But Brown was an All-Pro compared to Von Hutchins, who was used and abused by Wayne until Kubiak adjusted and put Bennett on Reggie. He was absolutely roasted on the 42-yard bomb to Wayne near the end of the first quarter (Why was Demps up at linebacker depth before the snap on that play if he wasn’t blitzing and where was Brown? Or did someone think it was a good idea to see if Hutchins could run with Wayne?). AND Hutchins was so late closing on WRs that caught the ball in front of him that they were twice tackled by a linebacker who had to first turn and then chase them down. Oh, and then there was Jamar Fletcher…
- Sage Rosenfels. I sincerely hope that this game will hush the “Sage is Baby Jesus” talk. Even if you don’t want to say he failed as a starter, the fact is that he has never impressed someone to the point that he was “the guy” other than when he was replacing an injured starter. Sunday, he showed us why. There were at least five balls thrown behind receivers, two of which were picked. He stared down his receivers from the snap and threw directly where he was looking almost every time. He forced throws to Andre Johnson when Walter and/or Daniels were wide open. This guy is a solid backup, but if someone wants to give us value for him, holding on to him is borderline retarded, because he is never going to be anything more than a solid backup.
- Darius Walker. I almost put him in the “good” list because he did look strong early and he ran the ball between the tackles well in the beginning stages of the second half. I put him here, however, because it became incredibly apparent that he is nowhere near fast enough to get the ball to the outside and create something out of nothing. The Colts adjusted to his early runs by keeping the LBs home and letting Walker decide whether to run into them or to take it outside where he was hauled down with minimal effort. Of course, seeing this, Kubiak decided it would be a good idea to pitch the ball to him eight yards behind the line and see what he could do (the answer: nothing). I like the idea of him as a third-down back, but that’s about it.
- Travis Johnson. This gets its own post.
- Kris Brown. You miss your only FG, you go on this list by default. Not a horrible game by the Husker, but he didn’t seem upset at all that he pushed that 49-yarder wide.
- Vonta Leach. Question: What good is a fullback who misses on his lead blocking assignments? Answer: No good at all, regardless of whether the coach and QB try to force passes to him. Leach played like butt. Now, part of this might have been due to Walker’s lack of speed; blocking for someone slower than you are probably takes a different approach. Still…man…never a good day when the FB stands out.
Other notes from the contest:
- Regardless of what the now-banned-commenter “Tom,” thinks, the problem Sunday was not the blitz getting burned. Only one of the TDs came against a blitz, and that was a weird phenomenon where we sent too many blitzers and the lanes got clogged up before we could get there. Otherwise, the problem was the Manning was picking apart our zone and then Reggie Wayne would abuse whomever was on him in man coverage. And that we couldn’t get to Manning whether we sent 4, 5, or 6 rushers. And that we couldn’t move the ball because Sage imploded after the second possession. AND because 3/4 of our secondary was playing like crap.
- Kubiak’s playcalling left a lot to be desired. Outside runs with Walker, sending Kevin Walter on a 6 yard route when you need 8, not going for it on fourth when we should have, using Andre Johnson on a hitch screen from our own 25, etc. Uninspiring at best.
- Owen Daniels continues to run hot and cold. He’ll make some great catches over the middle and get you all excited, only to irritate you when he alligator arms one in the face of a linebacker or fails to catch easy balls.
- Tony Dungy may be the nicest guy in the NFL or in the whole world. He might be a great father, husband, coach, and author. But he looks like a whiny ninny when he stands there and yells “no, no, no!” at the refs after they called one of the most obvious horse-collar tackles you’ll ever see.
- So much for the nine wins. At least we have one more crack at .500. I never thought I’d be so happy to be playing a team with absolutely nothing to play for. (Though you could argue that the Colts didn’t have much to play for, either…)
Who’s the Boom King? Hah! I’m the Boom King!
Dec 19, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Kris Brown's golden leg, Pro Bowl 2008, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007. 6:45PM EST.
Will Demps: (looking in mirror) Daaaaamn. I look goo-ooo-ood. (yelling into other room) Yo, Casper!
Kris Brown: What?
Demps: Come look at how fuckin’ perfect these eyebrows are. And these waves I got hooked up in my hair. Sheeeeit. You’d do good to take notes, Powder. Bitches love this shit.
Brown: I thought we were just going to Mario’s house for dinner.
Demps: We are, but you still gots to be prepared. You never know when you are going to get bum-rushed by some hoes who are demanding to see the 14 inches of throbbing black Jesus. And besides…I need to look good because I plan on admiring myself in the rearview mirror on the way over.
Twenty-five minutes later, in Will’s car
Car Radio: “…Cribbs and Special Teamer Kassim Osgood round out the AFC Roster.”
Brown: WOW! We are Pro Bowl alternates! That is fantastic!! And, golly, DeMeco is a starter?! This is great!!
Demps: (turns off radio, grips steering wheel tightly) Oh, HELL no! This ain’t “great,” gabacho. This is some BULLSHIT! How the fuck they gonna leave Smoove Will off the motherfuckin’ roster?!
Brown: Well, I mean, you weren’t even on our roster in week one.
Demps: The fuck does that matter?! This thing ain’t nothin’ but a popularity contest. And who is more popular than Smoove Will D? WHO?! Bob Sanders? Cracker, please! Bob Sanders is a little midget and I guarantee he didn’t get 15,000 hits to his website last week. Ed Reed? Man, fuck him. He ever had Beyonce ask him to be in a video? Hell to da naw, dawg!
Brown: That’s not really what they are voting on. It’s abo–
Demps: Well it should be! They want to increase exposure, right? Appeal to more demographics? Then put Will in the game, baby! Every woman in America will be watching. It ain’t like Troy Polamalu has women text-messaging him, asking to let them bounce quarters off his ass while they feed him grapes! Well, maybe some Samoan bitches, but that’s it. Will appeals to all women, including them big-ass Samoan hoes.
Brown: But Mario didn’t even make it, and he’s having a great year. If anyone should complain, it’s him.
Demps: That’s what I am saying, Miss Lilly! This ain’t nothing but a popularity contest, but somehow they forgot about Will! I mean, yeah, Mario has 13 sacks and shit like that, but he ain’t pretty. Will done brought sexy back so long ago that sexy is old school now.
Brown: I honestly have no idea what you are talking about.
Demps: Let me break it down for you, real simple like. You know how every television news station has a token hot skank that does the weather?
Brown: Yeah…
Demps: Well that’s me.
Brown: You are a skanky weather girl?
Demps: No, you simple corn-fed motherfucker. I am the pretty piece of ass that would make the Pro Bowl worth watching, just like the skanky weather girl does for the 6 o’clock news. But the NFL and the powers-that-be refuse to put this fine mocha-colored Adonis to his highest, best use. And that’s a damn shame, Beaver Cleaver. A goddamned shame. There’s really only one thing I can do to get rid of this anger.
Brown: Drown in some stripper poon?
Demps: Word. Now you’re gettin’ it, Opie!
An election!? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars, isn’t it?
Oct 17, 2007 2007 Season, Athletes who don't stab people, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Kris Brown's golden leg, Matt Turk rules, Pro Bowl 2008, Super Mario
A person could make the argument that a number of Texans are worthy of Pro Bowl votes. Matt Turk comes to mind, as do Dunta Robinson, Kris Brown, Vonta Leach, and both of the busts on the defensive line. A vote for any or all of them would be rational and not simply chalked up to blind homerism.
That said, the most worthy of our players is none other than this blog’s namesake, DeMeco Ryans. Currently tied for second in the NFL in solo tackles, Ryans is the unquestioned leader of the Texans defense and has gotten so good so quickly that he routinely makes the extraordinary look ordinary.
Therefore, it is the goal of this blog to GET DEMECO RYANS ELECTED TO THE 2008 PRO BOWL! He (and I) can’t do it without you, though. Click that link. Vote early, vote often. Vote DeMeco!
Note: When filling out the ballot, if you are pressed for time, you can click and go directly to inside linebackers, vote for Ryans, and click submit without voting for any other positions. Or you can just fill out the whole thing, though I would suggest only voting for one AFC Inside LB (Ryans) instead of two, just to prevent other candidates from picking up extra votes.
Seriously, go vote. It’s your civic duty.
This message paid for by DeMeco Ryans For Pro Bowl, Matt Campbell treasurer
Praying for amnesia
Oct 16, 2007 2007 Season, Anger, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Kris Brown's golden leg, Teams that aren't the Texans
Oh. Yeah.
I suppose I should mention something about that game. And it should probably be more substantive than “that was more painful than watching a botched abortion in HD.” Then again, I don’t know what there is worth saying. Basically, we played like ass. Baboon ass. Hemorrhoid-ridden baboon ass.
I am not overly rational at this point.
Where to start? How about with our favorite whipping boy, Petey Faggins? He started the game getting picked on, because the Jags apparently have videotape of our games. He tried to redeem himself with good positioning and play on the fade to Jones. He then decided that playing well was itchy and uncomfortable for him, so he got flagged for illegal contact–his favorite of all the penalties–on a 3rd & 7, when we’d actually made a stop. Nice one.
As bad as Faggins continues to be, however, one would be hard-pressed to pin this loss on him. That’s because blaming him would be ignoring the 500-lb. elephant in the room–that we are incapable of scoring in the red zone. (Well, other than Kris Brown.) Oh, and we are incapable of establishing a running game. Plus, our vaunted run defense seems to have gone the way of dodo birds and Trent Green’s attention span. So, I suppose there are three elephants in the room. Goddamned elephants.
Fuck. The good news is, um…that we are 3-3? …that we will get Andre Johnson back at some point? …that we have pretty uniforms? Fuck.
The only way I’m going to keep myself sane is to ignore last week and start focusing on next weekend.
KRiS WON
Oct 7, 2007 2007 Season, Kris Brown's golden leg, Team Records
A: 228.
Q: What was Kris Brown’s total FG yardage on Sunday?
*****
A: 0.
Q: How many NFL kickers had hit from greater than 53 yards so far in 2007?
*****
A: 3.
Q: How many kicks longer than 53 yards did Kris Brown hit today?
*****
A: 57 and yes.
Q: What was Brown’s longest kick of the day and was it a team record?
*****
A: You betcha.
Q: Am I just using this tedious Q&A as a way to mail in a post about the game before I go to bed?
*****
(3-2, baby!)
