More draft babbling: Cruising the hair-osphere
Apr 28, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Bud Adams is evil, Fluff, I really dig my readers, I'm not a doctor, Inanity, Mel Kiper's Hair
I’m feeling a little sappy tonight, so bear with me. First, a shout out to Liston and hope he’s doing well (and toast should always be eaten above the head, when possible). I’d take Liston over about 99% of professional comedy writers. Secondly, total thanks to Eric for doing the leg work on this post.
We’re now a couple of days post-draft hangover (a vicious Zima hangover, if you’re Tim). I’ve already given my take on the draft, so let’s take a tour around the rest of the delightful internetz and get some opinions from the “experts’ on how the Texans performed (and, by “opinions,” remember that if they don’t match ours, they are wrong. Of course.).
Let’s start with the scorched earth version of Emily Post, Texans blogger Steph Stradley. With her harsh, septic take on life, you knew there was no way she could be complimentary of the Texans. She proved this by giving a completely unfair B/incomplete. Perhaps, one day, she will come to embrace life. For now, I just hope Kubiak wasn’t within back-hand distance when Duane Brown’s name was called (You know, after re-reading this paragraph, I think I’m a little bitter about not being invited to this. Steph, this situation at least calls for some in-depth probing. And I promise: it won’t take long at all.).
Dr. Z is one of the few mass media types I enjoy because he’s not afraid to get technical with his audience (why, yes, I adore Ron Jaworski). This is what he said:
Houston Texans: So their venture into the O-line arena in the first round nets them a finesse guy, Duane Brown, after they traded down eight places. What I’ve always felt about this team is that linemen should be brought in by the truckload, not on little tippy toes.
The grammar channeling of a Chron writer aside, I think he sums up well some of my concerns about Brown. He didn’t give a grade, per se, but it wouldn’t be too pretty.
The hair-opshere reference? Oh yeah, that’s gotta be all about Mel Kiper. He gave us one of the worst grades, a “C”, but I don’t fully understand why from his write-up. Fortunately, Kiper has reached the point of that aunt of yours who knows every-little-fucking-thing in the world, but she earns minimum wage at the local car dealership answering phones. Or is that just my family?
ProFootballWeekly doesn’t hand out grades but seriously echoes of Dr. Z with their write-up. Personally, I think it’s a fair summary of our draft.
Jason Cole at Yahoo! Sports gives us a B, but he adds something I hadn’t seen before:
Okam, a former defensive tackle, is likely to shift to guard, a clever move by teams that realize that non-athletic DTs can make for cheap, athletic G’s.
I argue the part about Okam not being athletic, but this is a really interesting take. Evidently, Okam scored a 39 on the Wonderlic. which just kinda verifies what we already knew: he’s a smart MF. I’m not buying the G angle, but it’s something to consider. Props to Cole.
Finally, Gregg Rosenthal and Evan Silva at nbcsports.com give us a B-. They did give the Babyeating-Sisterfuckers a D+, so I think they put some thought behind it.
So, what can we learn from all these grades? Well, nothing. This exercise reminds me of some advice my father never gave me: opinions are like assholes, and yours stinks.
If there is a takeaway from this grade-wankery, it’s that there isn’t a ton of deviation between opinions. Duane Brown was a stretch and he’s a project. We got some bargains at the end of the draft. BFD + cheerleaders = more complimentary write ups. No surprises once you think about it.
Let me end on this. Mike Florio at PFT has a write-up about Kyle Shanahan and Reggie Bush. Now, aside from this sentence of stupidity:
So, basically, Shanahan thinks Bush is a third-down type player. Which is an accurate assessment of him now.
No. I call bullshit. I don’t know many people who actually thought he would be more than that. And the insinuation that Shanahan had anything to do with this pick, which is asinine beyond belief in the context of the 2006 draft, is just silly.
But the rest? Basically, even though we all know that Shanahan is Chris Simms’ bitch, I have a little place in my heart for him.
Edit: Completely remiss if I don’t add this must-read article by SOLIS on Super Steve Slaton.
Amobi Okoye is 19
May 3, 2007 2007 Draft, Amobi Okoye is 19, Athletes who don't stab people, Chocodiles, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Mel Kiper's Hair, Suckfactor, Super Mario, The Fred, Tremendous Busts
Yeah, yeah. I’m a few days behind the curve on the draft recap. I know this. You know this. Let’s just leave it at that.
Anyway, bouncing around the internets, it seems people are not overly thrilled with the Texans’ draft. See, e.g., here, here, and here. [Author's note: Screw you, Paul Zimmerman.] Then again, other than the Browns (and, I suppose, the Pats, if you want to count Randy Moss as part of their draft), no one really wowed me. That said, I liked Houston’s draft for one simple reason: They addressed needs with every pick. While this is not a novel concept, it is certainly one that is lost on many, many NFL heads.
On to the picks.
- Round 1, pick 10. Amobi Okoye. I admit it–I love this pick. I went into this draft wanting Okoye only slightly less than Joe Thomas. And, we weren’t ever in a position to get Thomas. (Hey, did you hear that Amobi is 19? I wonder why the networks didn’t mention that a little more.) Okoye (in addition to being 19), is 6′2″/285 (or 300, depending on who is reporting) and, more importantly, should immediately be our best interior lineman. Given that Mario Williams faced double-teams pretty much every down, Okoye should be a welcome sight along the front four. He will also free up DeMeco Ryans even more, which, you know, is good. Plus, he’s 19. Not sure if that got mentioned.
- Round 2, no picks (due to the Matt Schaub trade). I still like the trade. Of course, when next year rolls around, Schaub better have played well enough to make me not unhappy about the lack of ANOTHER second round pick.
- Round 3, pick 73. Jacoby Jones. My first thought was “who?” My second thought was “where the hell is Lane College?” (Jackson, TN.) Jones is the “reason” some people are knocking the Texans’ draft, saying that the team reached to take him this high. Hell, maybe they did. Then again, this is a team that needed a #2 receiver, since the Slug Formerly Known As Eric Moulds has been released. In Jones, they got a 6′4″, 210 lb wideout, with good speed (4.5 at pro day, on grass). The kid is athletic as hell (ran track and played basketball in college) and is apparently a workout warrior. Said Jones about his workout habits following an impressive pro day showing: “I will train twice a day, every day. I will train from 9AM to 11AM, break for lunch, then get back at it for another two hours.” I’ll take that.
- Round 4, pick 123. Fred Bennett. Two things were apparently brought to Gary Kubiak’s attention before the draft. First, due to his continuing inability to bend the space-time continuum, Dunta Robinson can only cover one receiver at a time. Second, Demarcus Faggins and Dexter McCleon and Von Hutchins combine for a Suckfactor* score of roughly 9–a number that Jamar Fletcher is unlikely to bring down. While the big knock on Bennett is that he doesn’t play the run particularly well (and, perhaps, that his tackling form is not great), Fred is big, physical, and has good closing speed.
- Round 5, pick 144. Brandon Harrison. This is the one pick that I am not overly optimistic about. This team really needs a good safety (no offense to CC Brown or Glenn Earl). Harrison, however, is likely to go the way of Cato June and become a linebacker at the next level; he’s 6′1″, 227, and has room to add another 10 pounds or so to his frame. Also, from what I’ve read, he seems to be afraid of making a big hit, which is never good. He might wind up being the best nickel linebacker in the league, but that still doesn’t address the team’s needs the way a true ball-hawking safety would have.
- Round 5, pick 163. Brandon Frye. The other Round 5 Brandon is, apparently, a mutant. 6′4″, 302, with a 690 lb squat and a 445 lb bench press to go along with a 4.79 40. He may be raw (actually, that’s not true… he IS raw), but he seems to have the tools to become a good offensive lineman. He finished the season at VT playing some left tackle, but I am guessing he will move to the interior of the line, perhaps displacing Fred Weary in a year or so.
- Round 6, pick 183. Kasey Studdard. Meh. Kasey has some solid NFL lineage (his dad and uncle both played O-line in the pros) and, by most accounts, he’s strong and has a bit of a mean streak. Other than that, most of the things I’ve read about him (granted, that’s not a huge volume of stuff) say that he’s slow and has poor balance. That pretty much limits him to spelling the other two guards for a few plays per game. Still, it’s the sixth round. We’ll take what we can get on the offensive line at this point.
- Round 7, pick 218. Zach Diles. Let me be really clear about something: If my last name were “Diles,” you can bet your sweet ass that I would name my sons “Croco” and “Sun.” Also, why can I never find Hostess Chocodiles at the store? Those things are awesome. (As for Zach, he plays DeMeco’s position. Hopefully he’s adept at punt and kickoff coverage.)
Speaking of “grading” the drafts, let me just say that I find the whole process asinine. The two most important things in a draft should be (a) filling needs and (b) taking the best available player to fill those needs (with an eye on not drafting a player too early). Unfortunately, most people seem to grade the draft by guessing what the drafted players will do in the NFL. Teams that get the Can’t Miss players automatically “score” higher. But, for every Reggie Bush, there are multiple Can’t Miss guys like Robert Gallery, Charles Rogers, and Joey Harrington. Even more to the point, there are plenty of guys in this and every draft taken after the first round or two who will become stars. So, when Kiper says that the Raiders did well because they got a “franchise QB” in JaMarcus Russell, he’s talking out of his ass. Which probably also has fantastically groomed hair.
*Suckfator explained: (The number of times I scream “you SUCK!” at the player while watching him * pi)/total losses. It’s science.
