Deconstructing Stacy - Salad Tossing Free Version
Oct 29, 2008 Fire Richard Smith, I really dig my readers, I'm a great guy--a humble guy., Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Posts that list too many players
After the last win, Stacy said:
I may seriously incur the wrath of Durga (and the rest of you) for saying this but I would almost prefer to be losing games than for us to continue like this. Poor personnel decisions, poor coaching on the defensive side of the ball and the utter lack of sound decision making by Kubes isn’t going to change until McNair drops the hammer. If we finish the season 8-8 or 9-7, we’re gonna continue to struggle because of poor coaching. I honestly don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. The last thing I want to see is 1 or 2 more seasons pass and we’re still a bunch of underachievers. The next 2 or 3 seasons we’ll be faced with having to re-sign our marquis players and they’re not gonna be cheap. How can we afford to pay 5 or 6 really big contracts? We’re not gonna be able to. We need to start winning while we still have these players on the roster (Johnson, Williams, Ryans, Schaub, Davis, Daniels, Robinson and Slaton).
I used to have a job I really enjoyed, one that brought out both my geeky goodness and my love of the financial markets. Unfortunately, I worked for the most complacent asshole imaginable who was unable to see change happening right before his eyes. “My strategy is proven!” he’d yell at the top of his lungs as his strategy forced the company to layoff workers.
So, yeah, what Stacy said. To “fisk” his comment:
Poor personnel decisions
On the offensive side of the ball, the only quibble I’ve had is the Duane Brown situation. He is getting killed by speed rushers, and how he fares against Jared “Orphan Crusher” Allen on Sunday will tell us much about his evolution as a legitimate NFL left tackle this year. But, if we are going to commit to him, commit. Don’t put Ephraim Salaam out there, dammit. But, really, that’s it. We’re fourth in yards/game, fifth in passing/game, and eleventh in rushing/game. Beautiful.
poor coaching on the defensive side of the ball
Defensively? Holy mother of Durga do we not have a clue. Where’s Frank “Evil Mastermind” Okam? Why is Fred “Ballhawk Gamecock” Bennett on the bench in favor of Petey “Toasty Brown” Faggins? Why am I nicknaming every player? Why is Jeff Zgonina on the fucking roster? These are horrible decisions, and I won’t even bother with strategy (Petey + Calvin Johnson = Touchdowns4Ever).
utter lack of sound decision making by Kubes
Let’s just get Kubiak a copy of Madden 2009 and tell him to play three full seasons with Matt and I watching. Something has to teach him about clock management for crikey’s sake.
If we finish the season 8-8 or 9-7, we’re gonna continue to struggle because of poor coaching. I honestly don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. The last thing I want to see is 1 or 2 more seasons pass and we’re still a bunch of underachievers.
And there’s your complacency alert.
I don’t think, from a head coaching standpoint, that we can do better than Kubiak. I don’t know of anything out there that genuinely excites me. You know Kubiak has his hands pulling the strings on Kyle Shanahan’s play-calling, and I increasingly like what I see from that unit every week.
Defensively? Need I bother?
I don’t think we can be a true, playoff caliber team until Richard Smith is fired. We have far too much talent on the defensive to have only 10 combined interceptions and forced fumbles, among the worst in the league (and we got three of those against the Bungles). Eleven sacks as a team, one which includes Mario Williams, is embarrassing.
How can we afford to pay 5 or 6 really big contracts? We’re not gonna be able to. We need to start winning while we still have these players on the roster (Johnson, Williams, Ryans, Schaub, Davis, Daniels, Robinson and Slaton).
At the end of 2008, Dunta Robinson in an unrestricted free agent (source: IntheBullseye). David Anderson and Owen Daniels will be restricted free agents. After 2008, will be faced with re-signing Morlon Greenwood (probably not), Chester Pitts (for the right $$), Will Demps (for the love of Bitchephant no), Kevin Walter (probably), Sage Rosencopter, Kris Brown (yes, please), DeMeco Ryans (gulp), Chaun Thompson (eh), Matt Turk (probably), Ephraim Salaam (see Pitts), Tim Bulman (DHC says yes), and DelJuan Robinson (probably).
With this roughly hewn current roster, we have 2009 and 2010 to put something together, and we should have some cap room to play with once we wipe off the Ahman Greens and Morlon Greenwoods off the books. But until we do something about our defense, and to a certain extent our special teams, then we will be mediocrity personified. That’s not exactly a goal I’m shooting for, personally.
Bentleysutra
May 7, 2008 Bitchephant, Blasphemy, Fake Conversations with Real People, Kevin Bentley, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Rendhel and Sid, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Will Demps: Man…this is some shit. How the fuck is Will Demps supposed to win this competition? Will Demps has to think of something.
(thinks of himself, naked on a bearskin rug, making love to a woman who looks like him)
No, no…Will Demps has to think of something different.
(thinks of himself masturbating to the thought of himself masturbating)
Goddamnit. There has to be a way. How can Will Demps get some sweet Rhonda Kubiak nappy and win this bet? Will Demps HAS to win…if only there was, like, a god or something that could just make her fall in love with Will Demps.
(thunder)
(lightning)
(suspicious-smelling smoke)
(peacock scream)
(porn music)
Demps: What in the motherfuck is THAT?!
Kama, Hindu God of Desire: Hello, there, young William.
Demps: The fuck?!
Kama: Young squire, I am Kama, the Hindu god of desire. I am here to help you win this bet.
Demps: Yo, dawg…your skin is, like, green and shit.
Kama: Yes, but that is not important. For, you see–
Demps: And, hold up…that’s not an elephant; that’s a buncha hoes crammed together to LOOK like an elephant!! How in the sweet fuck did you do THAT?!
Kama: My appearance is not important, William. What is important is that I can help you win this bet of which you speak. I am the god of desire and, when I shoot my arrows, I can make people fall in love.
Demps: Like cupid?
Kama: No, not like cupid! Cupid is a faggy little cherub who ripped off my game! Does cupid have a Bitchephant like I do? Does cupid get down with, like, 100 hoes a day? DOES CUPID HAVE A SEX BOOK DERIVED FROM HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME?!?!
(takes deep breath)
I apologize, William. I should not yell. That is just a rather sensitive subject. I blame Hallmark. ANYWAY…as I was saying, I can help you. All I need is some information and the bet will be yours. Now, who is the target?
Demps: Rhonda Kubiak.
Kama: Easy enough. Hell, getting a 40-year-old white woman with a workaholic husband to fall for you will hardly require any effort at all. I think I shall use one of my weaker arrows, as there is no need to expend a great deal of energy completing such a menial task as this. Say, who are you competing with in this wager of love?
Demps: Kevin.
Kama: Kevin? You mean Kevin Bentley?! Oh, shit, dude…even I can’t compete with that pretty motherfucker. Have you SEEN the dick on him?!? Praise Ganesh!
Demps: Hold up, man! Will Demps can compete! Will Demps just need a little help…
Kama: Fuck that…you’re on your own. Let’s go, Bitchephant!
(disappears to the sounds of Barry White)
Travis Johnson has an audience with the Pope
Apr 23, 2008 Bad Idea Jeans, Corky Johnson, Fake Conversations with Real People, Huh?, Inanity, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Polygamy, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Gary Kubiak: (on phone) …uh-huh…yep…really, him? OK…no, that’s fine…I just didn’t…I didn’t know he was Catholic…I’ll tell him. (hangs up, dials Travis Johnson’s cell phone)
Travis Johnson: (singing) And IiiiIiiiiIiiiiiIIIIIIiiiiieieeeee, will always LOVE youuuuuuuuuu, IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuu… (answers phone) ‘Sup, coach?
Kubiak: Hey, Trav. How’s it going? I just got a call from the strangest person.
Johnson: You mean someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese? That’s not so weird; I get that all the time.
Kubiak: (sighing) No, Travis…not someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese. I have no idea–nevermind. Anyway, I got a call from the Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate.
Johnson: The fuck is an oblate?
Kubiak: You know, the people who provide priests for your church here in Houston? Shit…ANYWAY, it seems that the Pope is in the U.S. and he wants to invite you to have an audience with him. This is quite an honor, Trav, and–quite frankly–I am petrified that you will do something monumentally stupid and turn every Mexican in Texas against us. Please don’t fuck this up. Please?
Johnson: Shit, baby…it’s all to the good. I loves me some Pope.
(later that evening, in the rectory of St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Houston)
Johnson: Hi, Mr. Pope. Nice hat, dawg.
Pope Benedict: Hello, Travis. God bless you.
Johnson: So, what’s up, man? What’s good? What’s the word? (does elaborate, thirty-eight step handshake, points to the sky)
Pope: (looking startled) I…I…well, it is certainly wonderful to meet you, Travis. Father McHale tells me that you are setting a wonderful example for Catholic youth in Texas. He says that you–
Johnson: Oh, hell yeah, dawg! I be doin’ all sorts of shit fo’ the little kiddies. Why, just the other day, I took ten kids to the Mall to let them watch me buy some shoes.
Pope: I’m sorry? Do you mean you bought them shoes?
Johnson: Shit, no, man. I bought ME some shoes and I told them, “y’all practice hard and, someday, you’ll be able to afford all these shoes fo’ yo’ damn selves.” They were feelin’ me.
Pope: (looks slightly frightened and confused) You…bought yourself shoes…I…I don’t know what to say.
Johnson: I know, right?! Shit was great, dog!
Pope: (suddenly rethinking the entire meeting, changes subject) Tell me, son, is there a prayer you would like to say with me?
Johnson: Nah, dawg. I’m good.
Pope: Well, perhaps there is something you’d like blessed?
Johnson: Wait…whatchu sayin’? That you can give, like, super Jesus powers to something?
Pope: Not exactly, my son, but I can bless you or someone you love.
Johnson: Fo’ real?
Pope: Yes.
Johnson: Fo’ really real?
Pope: (sighing) Yes.
Johnson: Awwwww, SNAP! (unzips pants) Bless this, Pope.
Pope: What?!!
Johnson: Look, here’s the deal. I gots these two dudes on my team–Will Demps and, uh, this other Ivy League brotha we just signed–and they are both packin’ some SERIOUS dick, Pope. And, to make matters worse, they are both pulling more ass than a Texas Mormon, ya dig? So, I’s thinkin’ that, if you blessed my little Osceola, I could use my Jesus Dong to compete with those two.
Pope: (aghast)
Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope)
Pope: (frightened)
Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope.) Man, you gonna sit there slack-jawed like some motherfuckin’ Trent Green or you gonna holify my shit?
Pope: (looks for nearest exit, making blessing motion in Travis’ general direction) Ego contemno meus vita.
Johnson: (zipping up pants) Now THAT’S what I be talkin’ about, ya heard! 20 minutes ago, I had a lot of respect for the Pope. Now, I’m all like, HELLZ YEAH, THE POPE IS THE SHIZZNIT, BABY!!!! Vatican City in the house! Florida State in the house! My holy dick in the house!!!
Pope: (scurries out the side door)
Travis: (yelling after him) Yo, dawg, I’ma give my cell number to that dude out front in the big red hat! Holla at a playa if you are back in town! Tell Jesus I said what’s up!
Mormons
Apr 22, 2008 Anger, Fuck, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Mormons, Non-Texan stuff
I am going to take a short break from posting about football to throw this out there:
FUCK THE UTAH JAZZ, FUCK ANDRE KIRILENKO RIGHT IN HIS FLOPPING, EURO-DOUCHEBAG MOUTH, AND FUCK THE ENTIRE STATE OF UTAH. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.
Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho
Apr 9, 2008 Bad Juju, Blasphemy, Dancing With the 'Tards, Faggination, Houston Chronicle, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Putting people on notice, Revenge of Durga!, Tempting Fate
I do not mean to alarm anyone, but it seems that DGDB&D is the most powerful blog in the universe. Sure, there are blogs that get way more hits. There are blogs that entertain without making dick jokes. There are even blogs that people are willing to pay to advertise on.
But there are NO other blogs that have accidentally reincarnated a Hindu goddess.
SAINI SUNPURA, India — A baby with two faces was born in a northern Indian village, where she is doing well and is being worshipped as the reincarnation of a Hindu goddess, her father said today. [***]
Rural India is deeply superstitious and the little girl is being hailed as a return of the Hindu goddess of valor, Durga, a fiery deity traditionally depicted with three eyes and many arms.
Up to 100 people have been visiting Lali at her home every day to touch her feet out of respect, offer money and receive blessings, Singh told The Associated Press.
“Lali is God’s gift to us,” said Jaipal Singh, a member of the local village council. “She has brought fame to our village.”
Village chief Daulat Ram said he planned to build a temple to Durga in the village.
This blog’s reliance of Durga to do the dirty work that certain Christian deities were unable or unwilling to do is well documented. Thus, I take full credit for the return of this goddess to Earth. The negative among you might think that this is a rather ominous sign for me. To that, I say p’shaw! This is a sign that Durga realized she needed to be on Earth to properly dispose of Petey Faggins. Her attempt from the ethereal realm of, um, wherever Hindu gods reside had the unintended consequence of injuring Dunta Robinson. She won’t make that mistake again, Petey. No sir, she’s here and she’s taking careful aim, sucka. You dead, dawg.
In related news, as reader Brent pointed out, it’s rather ironic that the Chronicle’s coverage of a Hindu goddess is much better than their coverage of a certain local football team.
An Open Letter to God Durga, the Hindu God of Vengeance
Nov 1, 2007 Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Inanity, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Multi-culturalism, Open Letters, Self-Referential Stuff
Dear Durga,
Um, hi. We haven’t been formally introduced; my name is Matt. I got your name and address from our mutual friend, Sid.
I understand that you are, like, the Goddess of Vengeance. That is pretty awesome. Insanely awesome, actually. I bet that comes in handy, huh? Like, I read something that said you were the god people prayed to in order to have their personal demons destroyed. That is fucking bad ass.
That’s kind of why I am writing you, too. You see, my personal demon is Petey Faggins in a Texans uniform. That is the one thing in my life that busts the balls of my very soul. So, you know, if that demon could be destroyed, I would be eternally grateful. Now I am not saying I want him killed–that would be going overboard, even for me. I am just wanting him to no longer be playing for the Houston Texans. I’ll leave the logistics of that up to you, you ravishing 10-armed demonsmasher.
Now, I know what you are thinking. That I am not even Hindu and that I should pray to my own deitydamned deity. I already tried that, though, and He is either unwilling or unable to help. Having only one god apparently puts serious constraints on the amount of prayer-granting that can be done in a given week. But you exist solely to, as I understand it, destroy some motherfucking demons.
Just so you understand the gravity of the situation, this other dude named Carlos Rogers went down with a severe injury last week and fans of the Redskins were thrilled. Well I would take Carlos Rogers on a ruptured knee over Petey Faggins. It’s that deep, honey. It’s that deep.
Anywho…I won’t take up any more of your time. Even as a unitasker, you probably have a whole lot of demons to deal with. If you could just pencil me in for some time between, say, now and this Sunday at 11:59 AM, that would be awesome.
With much love and admiration,
Matt
P.S. That “11:59″ thing up there is Central Standard Time in America. I mention this because I am not sure what time zone the eternal realm is in. Probably Greenwich Mean Time.
