Mormons
Apr 22, 2008 Anger, Fuck, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Mormons, Non-Texan stuff
I am going to take a short break from posting about football to throw this out there:
FUCK THE UTAH JAZZ, FUCK ANDRE KIRILENKO RIGHT IN HIS FLOPPING, EURO-DOUCHEBAG MOUTH, AND FUCK THE ENTIRE STATE OF UTAH. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.
I’m dreaming of some zone blitzes
Dec 21, 2007 2006 Draft, Beer, Blasphemy, Bloggerating, Colts Shmolts, Fuck the Cowboys, KEYE sucks, Mormons, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Tequila
I would like to apologize to whatever cosmic force I angered. My bad. Really. Now that I have admitted my guilt, could you please stop damning me with horrible officemates? I mean, haven’t you ever heard the philosophy that once a man admits that he’s wrong, that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? It’s not like I’m making you pick up itty bitty pieces of skull on account of my dumb ass.
In addition to his incredible insights on Day 1, Dipshit Cowboys Fan Officemate (DCFO) has offered the following (note, some of these are only mind-numbingly stupid if you are a lawyer, I suppose):
- (in response to my bitching about Mario getting shafted) DeMarcus Ware has more sacks than Mario. My response: 11 is more than 13? Weird. When did that happen? Was there a press conference?
- (in response to someone asking him about bail) Are bail and bond the same thing?
- (moments later, displaying his total ignorance of the 8th Amendment) I guess they can set any bond amount they want. I can’t find anything in the case law that says it has to be reasonable.
- (regarding the 11 Cowboys on the Pro Bowl roster) With Sean Taylor gone, Roy Williams is easily the best safety in football. (I damn near spit out my coffee on this one.)
- (regarding Zoolander) David Carr could have been a Hall of Fame quarterback if you guys would have protected him.
- (regarding college) Him: I don’t understand these black kids at places like Florida State that get in trouble every year. This never would have happened at my school. Me: Where’d you go? Him: BYU.
So…yeah. This is what I am dealing with. I am currently trying to get someone to trade offices with me, but that’s not going all that well. I should probably stop beginning those negotiations with “Jesus Christ, I have to get out of that office before I light that retard on fire.”
Anyway, on to the picks. I followed the amazing perfection of two weeks ago with a hot, wet shitstorm last week. Oh well.
Last week: 9-5
Season: 135-81
Week 16 Picks
Dallas @ Carolina. Panthers fans should be happy. You think Tony Romo was distracted by Jessica Simpson’s presence last week. That’s NOTHING compared to the way he will be eyeball-fucking Zoolander. Unfortunately, Carolina fans, your team still eats balls. Pick: Dallas
JUGGERNAUT @ Indianapolis. I want to do it. I want to put down that we are going to roll into the RCA Dome, Mario is going to nail Manning more often than Kenny Chesney does, and the JUGGERNAUT is going to come out 8-7. I want to believe. And, since it’s my blog, I’m going to, goddamnit. Pick: Houston
Green Bay @ Chicago. I was just talking to my wife about DCFO and she said, “you are so negative…he can’t be that bad.” My son, standing in the background, said “Mom, he’s a Cowboys fan.” I’m the motherfucking father of the year. Pick: Green Bay
Cleveland @ Cincinnati. A possible player to keep in mind when the free agent signings start happening: Justin Smith. He’s never become the #1 DE that people thought he would, but he’s still damn good. If you could get him at a reasonable price–probably unlikely, though there are enough DE FAs this season that it is possible–he might just become a monster opposite Mario. I’m just sayin’. (Or, if you are like Tim and would rather see Travis Johnson beheaded like a kidnapped Westerner kicked to the curb, it’s worth noting that Pat Williams will be a FA as well. Put him between Mario and Manchild and you might have sheer fucking dominance. My sources say “sheer fucking dominance” is a good thing.) Pick: Cleveland
Oakland @ Jacksonville. Ideally, Oakland will win this game, Houston will win, and next week’s game will be picked up by NBC’s flex schedule due to the “trying for first winning record” v. “fighting for playoff positioning” storylines. Ideally. Problem–Oakland blows. Pick: Jacksonville
New York Giants @ Buffalo. All Eli Manning wants for Christmas is one more win. He better hope Santa fucking delivers this weekend, though, because it ain’t happening next weekend. Pick: New York Giants
Kansas City @ Detroit. The Lions are collectively still walking funny after the ass pounding they got from LDT and Co. last week. Luckily for them, the Chiefs are more of a bottom than a top. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Pick: Detroit
Philadelphia @ New Orleans. Reggie Bush is saying that he might return either this week or the next. With how he’s played so far this year, can a torn knee ligament really make that much of a difference? Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’, Eddie! Pick: Philadelphia
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco. Jeff Garcia returns to the sight of some of his greatest glory holes. Pick: Tampa Bay
Atlanta @ Arizona. Dear Arthur Blank, Up Yours. Signed, God. Pick: Arizona
New York Jets @ Tennessee. If you have any questions about how this game is going, just call your friends in Austin. They can tell you. In other news, KEYE is still a bunch of fucknuts. Pick: Tennessee
Baltimore @ Seattle. Seattle gets to play the one team in football that suffered a more embarrassing loss than they did last week. You would think that both of these teams would be fired up, looking to get back on track. But Baltimore still can’t score and Seattle is still a collective of vaginas. Pick: Seattle
Miami @ New England. If you seriously believe that there is even a chance Miami wins this game, please see your doctor. Pick: New England
Washington @ Minnesota. I love Adrian Peterson. He is a beast. With even a semblance of passing game to take the 10th man out of the box, he’s a real threat for 2,400 yards. That said, I can pick up a blitzing linebacker better than he seems able or willing to do. Minnesota should win this game, but something is making me pick against them. Pick: Washington
Denver @ San Diego. My favorite thing about going home for Christmas (or any other reason) is that my mom owns a bar. Thus, pretty much every trip up there revolves around drinking for free until I pass out. This holiday will be no different. Which means I will likely be below radio depth until Sunday afternoon. Be good, kiddies. Pick: San Diego
Black Snake Moan
Jul 30, 2007 Black Salaami, Free Agency, Mormons, Offensive (punch)Line, The Schaub Experiment, Undrafted Free Agent watch list
Perhaps signaling that the team is not completely convinced by at least one part of the Black Salaami, the Texans signed G/T Kevin Barry on Saturday. As discussed a few days ago, Barry has pretty good size and some success in a small sample size of games.
My guess is that the team realizes that Jordan Black is just not going to cut it at left tackle and that Ephraim Salaam was good only by stop-gap standards last year. Of course, there is no guarantee that Barry will be better than either of those guys. So, at this point, it almost seems as if Smithiak are hedging their bets when it comes to protecting the Schaub.
In other O-line news, the team released Tavo Tupola. Tupola was part of the gaggle of undrafted free agents we brought in back in May. His release means that my fodder for Mormon jokes has just been reduced considerably.
Amanda knows why the terrorists hate us
May 9, 2007 Boobies, Fluff, Mormons
Because I am one of America’s best-known political analysts,* random strangers often approach me on the street and ask things like “Who should I vote for” and “If Mitt Romney is Mormon, does that mean that he wants to eat my children?”** “I dunno,” is usually my response to these queries, as that generally allows me to slip away without further discourse.
Today is different, however. Today, if asked today whom someone should vote for, I would have to answer truthfully. I would look them square in the eye and say, “Amanda.” This would undoubtedly cause them to look at me like I had just shat upon their living room rug. Because what they would not know (and what you likely didn’t know until now)*** is that you can vote for the final Houston Texans cheerleader.
Don’t you just love Democracy in action?
*This is not true.
**This might be true. My knowledge of Mormonism is limited.
***Christ, this was a long-winded and obtuse way to post a puff piece.
Jared Zabransky’s family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong
May 3, 2007 Bill Brasky, Houston Chronicle, Jared Zabransky, Mormons, Ohio State makes baby Jesus cry, Undrafted Free Agent watch list
According to the Houston Chronicle, the Texans have come to terms with or received commitments from the following undrafted free agents:
- QB Jared Zabransky (Boise State)
- LB Jon Abbate (Wake Forest)
- FB Cory Anderson (Tennessee)
- WR Onrea Jones (Hampton)
- CB Derrick Roberson (Rutgers)
- DE Deljuan Robinson (Mississippi State)
- FS Brandon Mitchell (Ohio State)
- TE Luke Smith-Anderson (Idaho)
- DE Victor DeGrate, (Oklahoma State)
- WR Terry Richardson (Arizona State)
- C Enoka Lucas (Oregon State)
- OT Tavo Tupola (Utah)
- P Eric Wilbur (Florida)
Of these (and despite my intense hatred for everything OSU), Brandon Mitchell is the one I am most interested in. A converted corner, Mitchell is 6′3″/205/4.5 and a technically solid tackler. He was also a second-team All-Big Ten selection.
Tavo Tupola is also somewhat interesting. Apparently, Tupola was recruited out of high school as a 186 lb safety. After one year at Utah, he left for two years to serve his mission (which, I suppose, means he’s either Mormon or special forces). When he returned, he weighed somewhere north of 290. “When I went to Tuscon, it affected me a lot. I gained a lot of weight,” says Tavo. Gee, ya think?
