Kickoff
Jul 9, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Fuck the Cowboys, I really dig my readers, Injury bug, Kickoff, National Media, Ranting, Teams that aren't the Texans
We could take up a collection. Apparently, die-hard Cowboys fans (as well as people who don’t fuck sheep) can buy personalized stones for the walkway around the new stadium. For $150, you get four lines of text on a brick. I assume they will weed out shit like “TO’s mom sucks cocks in Hell” and “Hey, Romo, why don’t you die in a fire, you fucking twat?!” So I suggest someone with a little extra cash should purchase “September 8, 2002. 19-10. Never forget.” (h/t Deadspin)
All your ESPN are belong to Bulluck. The Titans’ LB is going to do his best Woody Paige and be on the Leader all day long, spreading the gospel of the Titans or some shit like that. Whatever. I post this because Keith throws out “Yeah, we are in a smaller market and we don’t get the notoriety as a team that others do.” Um, Keith, there is no such thing as a “small market” in football, considering there is a hard cap, total revenue sharing, and league-wide TV contracts. Fuckin’ idiot. (h/t Eric)
Strategery. The Texans are “working toward less injuries” this year. Ignoring the grammatical misstep (it’s “fewer,” not “less,” goddamnit), this seems to be a solid idea. Honestly, I can see nothing wrong with such a plan. (h/t Eric)
Kickoff
Jul 7, 2008 Amobi Okoye is an adult, Kickoff, National Media, Non-NFL football, Non-Texan stuff
Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot. Tim already commented on this, but, seriously, “Favre to the Texans” is one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in a long, looooong (see what I did there?) time. And claiming it is a good fit, considering that we have TWO QBs that most teams would be happy with is just beyond asinine.
Jared Zabransky is shocked — SHOCKED — that the WAC is not mentioned. Interesting article breaking down which conferences turn out the most NFL starters by position. I have nothing to add.
Age Ain’t Nuthin’ But A Number. Nice article from ESPN regarding the coming-of-age of Amobi “Manchild” Okoye. Dude gets cooler every time someone write something about him. I want to hang out with him, actually.
Kickoff
Jun 13, 2008 2008 Season, Adimchinobe Echemandu is fun to say, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bloggerating, Bud Adams is evil, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Kickoff, National Media, Non-Texan stuff
How NOT to blog. From–surprise!–a Baby-eating Sisterfuckers’ fan blog comes a fantastic example of why old media thinks blogs are a ridiculous exercise. Sweeping generalizations about other teams? Check. A pollyanna-esque assumption that all the players on your team will be healthy and uber-productive? Check. A conclusion that does not follow logically from anything you have written? Check.
Know thy enemy. Petey Faggins turns 29 today, making him the worst 29-year-old CB in the league and opening the door for someone else to claim the title of Worst 28-year-old CB. Congrats! (He also allows me to link to one of my favorite posts. Woot!)
Um…what? Article from RealFootball365, suggesting that we should sign LaMont Jordan because our RB roster is currently Ahman Green, Vonta Leach, Admichinobi Echemandu, and Samkon Gado. Way to research your premises, guys. Fo’ real.
That’s about it…not much Texans news floating around the ether today. Hopefully, I’ll be back with something later today. No promises, though.
It’s a homonym.
May 22, 2008 2008 Season, Free Agency, National Media, Roster
If you were watching the ol’ waiver wire today, two things should have jumped out at you. First, you are as bored and lonely at work as I am. Second, and (seemingly) more importantly, the Texans signed DB Jimmy Williams today.
When I read that, I actually got excited for a second. I checked Google News. Indeed, it appeared we really had signed the heretofore underperforming second-year pro out of Va Tech. I was chalking this up to Ray Rhodes creating a fantastic secondary from parts people didn’t want anymore. A 6′2″/205 CB/S who was the #1-rated DB in the 2006 draft? Color me thrilled!
But then reality, in its typically cold fashion, showed up and smacked me in the mouth. We didn’t sign that Jimmy Williams; we signed this Jimmy Williams. The 6-year pro who most recently suited up for the Seattle Seahawks and who, at 5′10″/190 and 29 years of age, is unlikely to even register on the 53-man roster’s radar. Damn.
Oh, well.
An Open Letter to Bill Simmons, From My Giants-Fan Buddy, Rendhel
Feb 4, 2008 Anger, Cooper Manning gently weeps, Curious Coaching, Fuck the Cowboys, National Media, Open Letters, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Tremendous Busts, Winner winner chicken dinner
How Dare You?
After a year of reading nothing but Patriots/Brady fellating from you, you have the audacity to write THAT as your post-Superbowl column? Where’s the mea culpa on Eli? Where’s the “sky is falling” commentary? Where’s the acknowledgment that the Giants literally beat the crap out of the Patriots?
Don’t write about how we got all the lucky bounces (false), how your offense just didn’t show up (only partially true), how the coaching staff didn’t call the game aggressively (untrue–how about going for it on 4th and 12? How about the fact that we shut you down on 3rd and short all game? How about the fact that you couldn’t block us?) Where’s the acknowledgment that we made Brady look not only human, but average? Where are the questions about why the perfect Tom Brady didn’t audible to max protect sets or 3 step drops once he realized they couldn’t contain our rush? Where’s the reminder to sports fans everywhere that October is NOT January (or February for that matter) and that there’s no substitute for playing tough hard nosed football in the playoffs? You used to know that. It’s how the Pats won their first three titles.
My Giants just punched Brady, Belichick and Rodney Harrison right in the face and reminded them that this is a man’s game. Take that fancy, all-throwing, non-physical ballet you called your offense and shove it up Beantown’s collective ass. The Patsies just joined the Karl Malone Lakers as the biggest poser teams to ever sell their souls for a championship and come up short. It’s the sports equivalent of cheating on your wife for the first time by renting a high-priced hooker only to find out that she’s got an 8-inch Johnson when you get her home. How’s it taste? The Giants are wicked awesome! Masshole.
Every time I try to get out, they pull me back in!
Dec 6, 2007 2006 Draft, 2006 Season, 2007 Season, Bloggerating, Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Huh?, National Media, Ranting
OK, seriously, I meant it when I said that I was done commenting on the Chronicle. I really did. It was not some plan to say I was done and then keep finding excuses to talk about them. You are going to have to trust me on that. I wouldn’t lie to you, baby. I swear.
Unfortunately for the success of my self-imposed moratorium, the “writers” over there keep doing stuff that needs commenting upon. And, by “needs commenting upon,” I mean “irritates me to the point that I have to write about it before my head explodes.” For example, who would you pick if I were to ask you which sped kid at the Chron said the following:
On the whole, though, Gary Kubiak and Rick Smith have a solid record in personnel. If the Mario Williams pick looks as good as it does right now, they’ll look extremely smart.
Just to make your guesswork easier, by process of elimination, we can rule out a few of them. First, it obviously wasn’t Anna-Megan Raley, because she could not possibly string together a coherent thought of that length. It can’t be Megan Manfull because it’s not some “breaking news” that is based on conjecture and rumor. It’s probably not John McClain because there is no reference to Baylor, people he knows, or upcoming videos. So that means, it almost has to be…Richard Justice?
Backing up for a second, let me ask you something. If I showed up tomorrow and started posting about how Petey Faggins was an outstanding cover corner and Richard Smith was the most aggressive defensive coordinator I’ve ever seen and even that David Carr was a 100% heterosexual All-Pro-caliber QB, you would all call me out on it, right? I mean, it wouldn’t even be so much the invalidity of the statements, as much as the fact that it flew in the face of nearly everything I’ve written. It would demand explanation if I wanted anyone to take me seriously on any level.
It seems, however, that lil’ Dick doesn’t share my thoughts on this. Instead, he must assume that each and every person who reads his work is so functionally retarded that they will not note the jarring, 180-degree turn from “he can’t play” to “looks as good as it does right now.”1 Well we do notice, Richard! We don’t really care, because we think you are a talentless hack, and we consider your work to be pablum at best, and we assume that you just pull shit like this because someone in charge pulled you aside and told you what to write like they do with all “controversial” dipshits, but we notice nonetheless.
Just to recap, as recently as Halloween, Justice was convinced that Mario was not only a bad player, but also the worst draft pick in the history of sports. If you click on that link, you’ll see no fewer than five comments by Dick spanning about eight days, all of which disparage Mario in one way or another. Yet, a mere six weeks later, the Mario pick is looking so good that it might make the current regime look “extremely smart?” Um…what?
Wait. Why am I even pretending to be confused? After all, this boomerang on the topic of Mario Williams is just the latest in a long line of Dickish flip-floppery. For instance, if you were following the Chron through 2006, you would have noticed roughly 12,717,120,957 inconsistencies in Justice columns about David Carr, which Scott did a nice job of recording before he fell off the planet. If one had the desire to, a person could probably find a similar trail of incongruence regarding any person Justice had written about more than once.
I suppose that such inconsistent writing is neither inherently good nor inherently bad. It is piss-poor journalism, of course, and shows a lack of any real sense of accountability, but it is not dangerous to anything but the writer’s credibility. Since R-Jizzle has about as much credibility as Geraldo Rivera, there’s really nothing to lose there, either. Still, knowing the disdain that Justice has for this blog and bloggers in general, and knowing that such feelings are echoed by people in “old media” because they view blogs as lacking integrity and journalistic standards2, I am damn near choking on the irony. And bile. And a touch of rage. But mainly irony.
Update: I missed it until just now, but Tom K is all over Justice’s latest waffling on Kubiak. Dick is amazingly consistent in his inconsistency.
1 My guess is that he bases this assumption on the commenters who agree with his daily pablum. Which is fair, because they actually are retarded.
2 Blah blah blah, the blogger complains about the mainstream media wah wah wah. I know…it’s been done. Never lose sight of the point, though–Richard Justice sucks.
A Pre-cap of All the Stories You’ll Read About Sean Taylor in the Next Week
Nov 27, 2007 2003 Draft, Colts Shmolts, Damn it, Fatty Starbucks, National Media, Non-Texan stuff, Pro Bowl 2008
By now, everyone has heard about the murder of Sean Taylor. While this event is completely out of left field, the media coverage of it will not be. Thus, I present the following NOT to make light of Taylor’s death–I honestly do feel bad for his family and friends–but to make light of the preposterously predictable nature of the media. If, in so doing, I seem slightly insensitive, I apologize. Still, you know DGDB&D well enough to know there are no sacred cows.
“This is a tragedy that really puts the non-importance of football into perspective.” by Mike Lupica
“Taylor’s death shows us how quickly everything can be taken away.” by Peter King
“This is a logical conclusion to the embracing of the “hip hop” lifestyle.” by Skip Bayless
“How does Taylor’s death affect Tony Romo’s love life?” by Matt Mosely
“If this were Pacman Jones, you could blame it on the “hip hop” lifestyle, but Sean Taylor was not a part of that. He had left the bad boy image behind.” by Jeffrey Chadiha
“This is racial. People would be screaming for the killer to be brought to justice if this were Brett Favre.” by Jason Whitlock
“Sean Taylor’s murder is not unlike the death of INSERT FAMOUS ATHLETE HERE.” by Bill Simmons
“The Redskins are dedicating the remainder of their season to Taylor, but where do they go from here?” by Jason La Canfora
“This shows the foresight in Roger Goodell’s zero-tolerance policy, but he needs to be more strict and ban for life any player within 20 yards of a crime.” by Rick Reilly
“Would Sean Taylor have been a Hall of Famer if this didn’t happen?” by Football Outsiders
“It should have been you, Peyton Manning.” by Matt Campbell
No soup for you!
Nov 18, 2007 2007 Season, Fuck the Cowboys, National Media, Self-Referential Stuff, Teams that aren't the Texans
Being that I live in Little Rock, and being that Little Rock is roughly equidistant from Houston and New Orleans, and factoring in that Little Rock still has a number of displaced New Orleansians, I blindly assumed that I would get to watch today’s game.
Not so.
It appears that there is an island of Arkansas that gets treated to NY-Detroit. Because, you know, there are likely to be a LOT of Giants and Lions fans here, right? (I understand that Cowboys fans might be interested in the Giants outcome, but that’s not really a reason to air the game, is it?)
Damn. Off to find an internet feed.
And, with that, the waters parted and all of my sane readers ran away
Nov 16, 2007 Batman, Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fake Conversations with Biblical Characters, Injury bug, National Media, Reggie Bush, Reservoir Dogs, Tempting Fate, Too far?
Sports Bar in Heaven, 6 Kislev 5768 (Heaven does not buy into the Gregorian calendar)
God: (to other people at his table) …this was during the Los Angeles marijuana drought of 1986. I still had a connection. Which was insane, ’cause people couldn’t get weed anyfuckinwhere then. Anyway, I had a connection with this hippie chick up in Santa Cruz and all my friends knew it. And they’d give me a call and say, “Hey, God…hey, dude, you gettin’ some, you think you could get me some too?” They knew I smoked, so they’d ask me to buy a little for them when I was buying for myself. But it got to be that everytime I bought some weed, I was buyin for four or five different people. Finally I said, “Fuck this shit.” I’m makin’ this bitch rich. She didn’t have to do jack shit; she never even had to meet these people. I was doin’ all the work…then that got to be a pain in the ass. People called me on the phone all the fuckin’ time. I couldn’t rent a fuckin’ tape without six fucking phone calls interrupting me. “Hey, when’s the next time you’re gettin’ some?” “Motherfucker, I’m tryin to watch The Lost Boys! When I have some, I’ll let you know.” And then these rinky-dink pot heads come by–they’re my friends and everything, but still, y’know? I got all my shit laid out in sixty dollar bags. They don’t want sixty dollars worth. They want ten dollars worth. Breaking it up is a major fuckin pain in the ass. I don’t eve–
St. Peter: (interrupting) Sorry dude, but you need to see this. (conjures up magical heavenly computer monitor out of mid-air) It seems a blogger has been writing prayers to you in the hopes that you would heal and/or hurt certain professional football players.
God: Son of a bitch. I swear to Me, this is all because that assbag Jon Kitna has convinced people that I care about football. Why am I supposed to give two shits about the outcome of NFL games? The only thing the NFL is good for is helping me figure out which people have no shot at Heaven. Oh, speaking of, what’s the latest on Mike Vick?
St. Peter: Sentencing in December; still on the “get anally fisted in Hell” list. But, that’s not why I showed you this, though. It appears that this blogger, a “Matt Campbell,” decided that you were ignoring his prayers, so he began offering the same to some Hindu god.
God: WHAT?! Jesus Christ!
Jesus: (jumping up) Yeah, dad?!
God: It’s just an expression; sit down. (turns back to Peter) A Hindu god, huh? How did that work out for him?
St. Peter: Well, that’s just it. He prayed that a “Petey Faggins” would be removed from the starting lineup and, sure enough, it happened! I guess I don’t have to tell you that this has caused a few whispers among the living.
God: Fuck no, you don’t need to tell me! I’m omnipotent, asshole!
Job: Then how did you not already know about this?
God: Better question, smart guy–why are you going to walk with a limp for eternity? (smites Job’s knee) Talk to me, Peter. What do I need to do?
St. Peter: That’s the good news. The Texans are playing the Saints this weekend and, were you to see fit to injure a certain running back, I think you’d re-convert some of the doubters. You just have to tweak his knee a little bit, maybe give him a tor–
God: I’m on it. (smites Ahman Green, rendering him inactive for Sunday’s game)
St. Peter: NO!!!! Dude, I meant Reggie Bush!!!
God: Reggie Bush?!? Are you out of your fucking mind, Peter? I LOVE that kid! Don’t you watch ESPN? I’d sooner smite the Savior of mankind over there before I’d hurt Reggie! That’s my DAWG, yo!
St. Peter: But, if he’s your favorite, why is he only averaging 3.7 yard per carry for his career? What gives?
God: Dude, even my powers have limits.
Amobi: "[W]e are world champions. That’s not far off at all."
Oct 12, 2007 2007 Draft, Amobi Okoye is 20, National Media, Teams that aren't the Texans
USA Today has a rookie profile on our resident bust, Amobi Okoye. Most of it is the same stuff we’ve seen a thousand times–he’s 20, he moved here from Nigeria, he tested into 9th grade at 12, yada yada yada.
In the part of the profile titled “The Person,” however, Manchild gives some fantastic quotes:
• Biggest adjustment: “I know it wasn’t the speed of the game. I’d say the off-field stuff, trying to handle the demands and trying to balance your life, especially as a first-rounder.”
• Role model: “My father. From day one he met his obligation as a father. He put his family first in everything.”
• First purchase after signing: “My mom’s car. It’s a white Benz that I promised her ever since I can remember.”
• Favorite off-field activity: “Probably being around family and friends who care about me, having a good time and smiling.”
• On not being old enough to drink: “No, I’m not old enough to drink. It’s a blessing because I’m around a lot of older guys who care about me and want to see me succeed. I’ve been around older people all my life.”
• Life after football: “I’d like to work with kids in one way or another. I want to give back to the community.”
• On the Texans: “Man, I see this city rocking because we are world champions. That’s not far off at all.”
• NFL dream: “I left the game better than it was when I got into it. I was someone anyone coming up playing football could look up to. I was an ambassador for football.”
Awesome.
As an aside, the other player mentioned in that Mike Florio “article” about Amobi being a bust was Adam Carriker. Through the Rams (winless) first five games, Carriker has 5 tackles and no sacks. None. Proving, yet again, that Mike Florio and PFT are beyond worthless. That’s one thing BBS and I can agree on.
At 12:01, I had a lot of respect for Trent Green
Oct 8, 2007 Fatty Starbucks, God hates ugly, Injury bug, National Media, Travis Johnson
Some follow-up notes on “The Travis Johnson Incident.”
- I’ve received a couple emails from people saying that they don’t entire agree with me. That’s to be expected and it’s one of the things I like about feedback. One of the main points that emails have mentioned, though, is that I am way off-base when I say Green should have hit Johnson high. If Johnson were running right at Green, that would be true.
However, the point remains that, regardless of where Green hit Travis, the hit was almost certainly going to be blind. Now, while it would be suicidal for Green to try to go numbers-to-numbers with Johnson, hitting him in the shoulder when he doesn’t see it coming (more on that in a second) would have been completely effective and safe for both players. My bigger point, though, is that Green could have basically hit Johnson anywhere between Johnson’s earhole and his thigh pad and both players would have been fine. - As to Johnson getting blindsided, if one wants to fault him for anything on that play, not seeing looking for a block would probably be it. “Head on a swivel” is the phrase that special teamers and pass-catching TEs and the like use frequently. Well, a DT running free in space makes a pretty large target and would do well to heed that advice. Of course, the flip side to that is that asking someone to watch out for a cheap shot to his knees as he is trying to track the ball-carrier is asking a little much. Still, if you are looking to make Johnson guilty of something in the play, that would be it.
- A lot of people have mentioned the KSK discussion of the hit. My favorite line is “Johnson’s only crime was being excited that Green’s pisspoor blocking skill didn’t end his career.” Pretty much.
- McClain offers up a pretty fair take that discusses the scenario from both sides. He also mentions that Johnson has a “clicking” in his knee and will undergo an MRI. Great. Fantastic. That’s what we need. How dare he get angry at Green for that hit?
- Regardless of what you think of Johnson’s “taunting,” (and I use quotes because I don’t think it was really taunting in anything but the purely technical sense) you have to admit that Green getting knocked cold was Green’s fault and no one else’s. So, yeah, if you want to feel sorry for the guy because he got yelled at when he couldn’t hear it, go ahead; but Green doesn’t deserve much (or any) sympathy for actually getting hit.
- Over at Fanhouse, Stephanie’s take is straight-forward and even-handed, which is exactly what you would expect. I mean that in a nice way. Michael Smith’s take, on the other hand, is trite drivel devoid of anything interesting or compelling, which is also exactly what you would expect. I wish someone would knee him in the head.
- Final thought. If you look at all the ways Green and Johnson could collide in a game setting, nearly every one either results in no penalty or a penalty on Johnson. Clean sack? No penalty. Green dives into Johnson’s knees from the blindside, possibly injuring him? No penalty. Sack where Johnson hits Green in the head? Flag. Sack where Johnson hits Green too low? Likely flag. Johnson trips and rolls into Green after the ball is released? Flag. Johnson sees Green trailing the play and lights him up before Green can block him? Flag. This is fair how?
When the boredom overtook us, he began to speak
Sep 19, 2007 National Media, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Self-Referential Stuff, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity
Three random nuggets.
1. A new picture of Darcy Maeda. Which requires me, by law, to link to this picture.
2. There is a fairly good possibility that I will be in Houston for the Titans-Texans tilt on October 21. Should that happen (and should I manage to stay out of the emergency room this time), would people be interested in a get-together on Saturday evening? I assume I can twist Tim’s arm enough that he will drink…who else might swing it?
3. Interesting take on Darius Walker from Fanhouse. Shockingly, it was not written by Stephanie. Other people thinking about the Texans? What’s next, cats sleeping with dogs? Britney looking good on the VMAs? Me not making jokes about Manning and Chesney?!?! Anarchy!!!!
The man, tryin’ to hold us down
Sep 16, 2007 2007 Season, National Media, Stats
We might be two hours from the kickoff of Week 2, but I had one last thought on week 1. All week long, there was a constant refrain of “week 1 results are meaningless.” So, out of curiosity, I wanted to know just how “meaningless” they were. Over the last five years1, how many playoff teams won their first game?
2006
9 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1
(1 loser played another playoff team)
2005
8 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1
(2 losers played another playoff team)
2004
11 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1
(The 1 loser lost to another playoff team)
2003
6 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1
(No losers lost to another playoff team)
2002
6 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1
(3 losers played another playoff team)
So? Well, 40 out of the last 60 playoff teams won their week 1 game. Additionally, 7 of the 20 losers who still made the playoffs lost their opening game to another playoff team. Combined, that’s 78% of the playoff field over the last half decade. (The flip side of this, obviously, is that losing your opening game to a bad team–with bad defined as “does not go on to make the playoffs that year”–gave you less than a 1-in-4 shot at making the postseason.)
I wouldn’t exactly call that week 1 game “meaningless.”
1 Because that’s when the divisions were realigned into the current formation.
Credit where credit is due?
Sep 14, 2007 Casserly blows goats... I have proof, Dunta Robinson, Gary Kubiak, National Media, Reggie Bush, Super Mario
On the list of “Things That Make Me Happy,” getting an email from a reader with the subject line “CBS gives Casserly oral” would be way up there near the top.
Reader Grayson sent along this link along with the observation that it “looks like someone at CBS has Casserly’s wang in their mouth.”
Casserly defied conventional thinking in taking Williams, and that led to an uproar around the league, and especially in Houston. He was vilified on the talk-show circuit.
People love offensive highlights, which Bush and Young provided in college. They don’t get excited for defense. “We took a lot of abuse for that pick,” Casserly said.
That might change now. And here’s why: The Texans indeed picked the right player
I like the gist of the article–the Mario Williams was the right guy–but I don’t know how much credit we should give ol’ Chuck. I mean, the general consensus is that Kubiak pushed for Mario as much or more than Casserly, right?
I know, I know… if people were going to bag on Casserly when Mario seemed to be playing poorly, then he should get credit for the success Mario seems to enjoy now. Fair enough–if you believe he was the impetus behind the pick. If not, then both the derision and the praise are/were misplaced. The majority of the articles I read after the fact–at least those written by people who would be “in the know”–suggested that this pick was made primarily because Gary Kubiak was sold on Mario (and possibly though Domanick Williams (nee Davis) would be back).
UPDATE: Tman makes a good point in the comments–that one great game does not equal redemption. I don’t argue with that. My bigger point here is just that, whether Mario succeeds or fails, the credit/blame should not go to Casserly for this pick. He’s relegated to his other good works (Andre Johnson, Dunta Robinson) and his other flops (see, generally, 2002-2005).
He was also chosen as this blog’s bad mofo of the week.
Sep 12, 2007 National Media, Super Mario
You know who is good? Mario Williams, that’s who.
The NFL announced today that Texans defensive end Mario Williams was named AFC Defensive Player of the Week, capturing the award for the first time in his career.
Williams also garnered honors as the Associated Press NFL Player of the Week. [...]
Williams keyed the Texans’ defense, collecting five tackles—four solos—two sacks, three QB hurries, a fumble recovery, a forced fumble and his first career touchdown in the Texans’ Week 1 20-3 win over the Kansas City Chiefs. The win gave the Texans their first three-game winning streak in franchise history. [...]
Williams also is in the running for GMC Defensive Player of the Week honors.
Schein On You Crazy Diamond
Sep 11, 2007 2007 Season, National Media, The Schaub Experiment
In an effort to be as even-handed as possible, I should mention that Fox Sports’ Adam Schein wrote a nice article praising The Savior.
Now, Schaub is back to studying film, getting ready for Week 2 and the Carolina Panthers.
And that, in addition to his play on Sunday, confirms why it is worth embracing the Matt Schaub era in Houston.
Damn straight.
(BTW–There will be no more posts about what others are saying or not saying about us until next week. Promise.)
Tuesday Morning Dickhead
Sep 11, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, Dunta Robinson, Inanity, National Media, Righteous Indignation
I’ve never really enjoyed Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback column. I mean, prior to his firing by the WWL, it was very occasionally funny. At some point, though, he just became a caricature of himself. He went from trying to entertain to just trying to prove to his readers that he was the smartest dude on the internets.
I hadn’t read him in about a year when I stumbled onto the AFC Preview column that I linked to a couple posts ago. His preview of the Texans:
Bob McNair has spent freely — the Moo Cows had the seventh-highest NFL payroll in 2006 — yet still has a cover-your-eyes roster. Check the depth chart. The Texans have only three players (Andre Johnson, Dunta Robinson and DeMeco Ryans) who could have started for the Colts or Bears in the Super Bowl. Quarterback? A guy with two career starts. Tailback? A gent entering his 10th season, a stage when it’s rare for a running back to perform well. Offensive line? Ye gods.Tight end? Five bucks says you’ve never heard of him. Over on defense, the Texans field an impressive selection of high draft choices but don’t have much to show for it. Houston has invested its past five first-round draft choices, including the first overall choice of 2006, in four defensive linemen (Jason Babin, Travis Johnson, Mario Williams and Amobi Okoye) and a cornerback. Yet the Texans finished 23rd on defense in 2006 and might not get much help this year from Okoye, who’s impressive but might “redshirt” owing to entering the NFL at just 20 years of age because he started college young. As Len Pasquarelli has noted, not only has the Texans offense given up a league-high 272 sacks in the past five seasons but the defense has recorded a league-low 143 sacks. When your sacks differential is minus-129, your team is, what’s the word I am looking for … terrible.
This team is dull — among the dullest team in NFL annals. The Texans seem to skitter around haphazardly like figurines on a vibrating football board: In fact, here is an actual unretouched photograph of a Houston scrimmage. And what have the Texans done in the past two drafts? Passed on Reggie Bush, passed on Vince Young, passed on Brady Quinn, passed on Marshawn Lynch, traded out of a spot from which they could’ve selected Ted Ginn. This team dearly needs an injection of excitement.
***
Houston note 2: The Texans have 14 home victories in five years. Why is anyone buying tickets?
ANYWAY… following that “preview,” I decided to read his column today, just to see if he had anything positive to say about the Texans. Anything at all.
For seven years, this column has delivered something no other column in the entire sports alternate-reality even attempts — at least one item about every NFL game played. Henceforth, my promise to readers is amended: at least one item about every NFL game played, except for those games not mentioned. Keeping the original promise has been exhausting, especially considering Tuesday Morning Quarterback is my hobby, not my occupation. Last night, I cued up some tape of the Houston-Kansas City game and thought with a weary sigh, “Oh man, I gotta watch this until I notice something everybody else missed.” Then the heavens opened, a chorus angelorum sang and the football gods said, “Yea, verily, ye doth not.” Hence my policy change. I’ll continue to have at least one item about the majority of NFL games played.
So the idea of watching the game wherein the QB, RB, and DE you derided a few weeks ago played far better than you anticipated and the defense you mocked held Larry Johnson to 43 yards made you feel “weary?” What kind of bullshit cop-out is that? “Man, if I watch this game, I’m going to have to say something that will not comport with my preview. People will see me for the drivel-spewing elitist fraud that I am. Help me football gods!!! Oh… I know…I’ll just pretend like I am too busy to watch games not involving players I want to know in the biblical sense. Brilliant!”
You, sir, are a shitbag of the highest order. And, with that, I will link to the hilarious KSK spoof of TMQ.
Not-so-fair-weather fans
Sep 10, 2007 2007 Season, Fatty Starbucks, National Media, Preseason 2007
(Some of this was discussed in the comments to the previous posts, but I think this deserves a post.)
For most of the past five years, we have been nothing if not a laughingstock. From the offensive line to the Mario draft pick, non-Texans fans have used Houston as an NFL punchline at every opportunity.
Something strange happened over the last nine or ten months, though. The trade for The Savior Known As Schaub and the removal of the Carr-shaped tumor, coupled the back-to-back wins at the end of the 2006 campaign had people whispering the words “Texans” and “sleeper” in the same sentence. (At the height of this, I even wrote a post about how people needed to stop picking us or I would have nothing to be angry about.)
So, the preseason rolls around. We should’ve beaten Chicago. We throttled Arizona and Dallas. We lost to Tampa playing only our scrubs. People are singing the praises of Schaub and Jacoby (though still deriding Mario) and talking about how we might have turned the corner.
Given all of that, you would assume that we would get some sort of recognition for the all-out decimation of the Kansas City Chiefs, right? Nope. Now that the season has started, it seems like the national media are afraid to give us any credit, lest we revert to our losing ways and make them look (more) stupid. Fatty Starbucks (aka Peter King) went so far as to rank teams who lost in week 1 ahead of us in his fine fifteen. Teams like Buffalo. BUFFALO! I honestly cannot come up with an argument for how Buffalo is better than us as of this instant. Or how about Jacksonville? Their strength was to be their defense… and that got shredded for nearly 300 rushing yards. So they are better than us?
Now, look… I know the whole thing about having to show some track record of success before you are given any sort of respect. I get that. I don’t even disagree. My anger–or, more accurately, righteous indignation–at the whole situation stems from the disingenuous approach of the writers. If you honestly thought we were improved or a sleeper or turning the corner or anything else positive prior to the start of the season, you can’t jump off that wagon after seeing the Texans rip the collective heart out of the Chiefs. It makes no sense. If anything, that win should have given the random myopic sportswriter fodder to point at his preseason predictions and scream about how smart he is. You know they all love to do that.
(Random side note: I should’ve linked to this weeks ago, but Gregg Easterbrook can eat my crack.)
Anyway, in the end, I suppose I am glad that we are back to being off the national radar. That will make it all the more sweet when we rack up our 9 (or more) wins in a “keep my name out of your mouth” sort of way. I just get irritated at the hypocrisy of the national media.
You’d think I’d be used to it by now.
Now to me, that’s biscuits and gravy.
Sep 10, 2007 Andre Johnson, Inanity, Matt Turk rules, National Media, Super Mario, The Schaub Experiment
What other people are saying about the win.
From Fanhouse, though not from Stephanie.
This isn’t David Carr’s Houston Texans. Sure, new quarterback Matt Schaub wears the same No. 8 Carr sported in his five years in Houston, but that’s where the similarities end.
The Texans won their season opener for the first time since 2003 — a 20-3 shellacking of the Chiefs — and they did it behind a solid effort from their former first-round pick, and their new starting QB, something the club hasn’t been able to say, well, ever.
From Deadspin, where the KSK guys spelled it out nicely.
But Kansas City, with one of the best RBs in the game in Larry Johnson, sauntered into Houston and got skullfucked by the Texans. What. The. Shit? Andre Johnson caught 7 for 142 and a score. Schaub threw for 225 (1 TD, 1 pick). The Texans were on top for most of this game (or, pitching, if you will), and served a bit of notice to the League that their days as the doormat of the AFC South may finally be over.
The Chiefs finished the day at 3-for-11 on 3rd down conversions and 1-for-1 on screwing the pooch on opening weekend. But I give credit to the Texans, who finally got tired of getting the shit kicked out of them and deciding to hold serve on their home weekend.
From ESPN, where they absolutely refuse to ever give any good news about our team because it would make the offensive lines jokes harder to sell.
Tenth-year veteran Jason Simmons tore the patella tendon of his left knee in the second quarter of Sunday’s 20-3 season-opening victory over the Kansas City Chiefs and will be placed on injured reserve, effectively ending his season. Houston lost its regular starter, Glenn Earl, for the entire season when he suffered a broken foot last month.
From CNNSI’s Don Banks.
The kid has taken his share of shots since Houston hung that No. 1 around his neck, so we feel compelled to note that Texans defensive end Mario Williams has more touchdowns (one) than Reggie Bush (none) this season. Williams had a big opener against the Chiefs, racking up two sacks, and returning a fumble 38 yards for his first career touchdown. For a week at least, the Houston fans can give the Williams-Bush debate a break.
From Liston’s diary at BRB.
If you didn’t watch the game here’s some stats you can use to impress your friends. As usual, these are 100% fact.
- You’re a douche if you didn’t watch the game. The Texans are the greatest team in the history of the free world.
- Andre Johnson caught seven passes for 144 yards. Andre Johnson is to receiving what Jesus Christ is to Christianity
- Matt Turk’s foot is made of solid gold. [the list continues and it's totally worth it to follow the link]
Mass typo?
Sep 8, 2007 2007 Season, National Media, Preview
Can’t say that I’ve seen this kind of thing too often. I like it.
