DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Save the Date, Bitch.  It’s here!  It’s here!  It’s finally fucking here! Remember when you were a kid and the calendar would roll over to December and you’d scream “Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, Christmas vacation is almost here!!!!!” Well, the start of training camp is the same feeling, only multiplied by AWESOME.¹

Jerks. Here’s where I was going to put the Duane Brown bit, but Eric and BFD stole my thunder.  (I kid. I really dig that those two can save my ass from time to time (read: always).) Yes, that was a double parenthetical.

FYI. I think I mentioned this once before when it was still in the planning stages, but you can sign up with Sporting News to get a daily sports newsletter, and they even email you each day so you can click and go there instead of being bothered to type one of those old-fashioned URLs. It’s nothing ground-breaking, but sports is sports, ya dig?

Finally. Not to keep stealing someone else’s thing, but I found another odd jersey in public last night.  I ask you…is this retro or a visitor from the near future? (That’s a Falcons jersey. I continue to have problems surreptitiously photographing people with my phone.)

¹ That equation would be “(Jesus+Tittyfucking+Christ)*AWESOME = Start of training camp.”

Somewhere, a village is missing its idiot. Tim already commented on this, but, seriously, “Favre to the Texans” is one of the dumbest things I’ve heard in a long, looooong (see what I did there?) time.  And claiming it is a good fit, considering that we have TWO QBs that most teams would be happy with is just beyond asinine.

Jared Zabransky is shocked — SHOCKED — that the WAC is not mentioned. Interesting article breaking down which conferences turn out the most NFL starters by position.  I have nothing to add.

Age Ain’t Nuthin’ But A Number.  Nice article from ESPN regarding the coming-of-age of Amobi “Manchild” Okoye.  Dude gets cooler every time someone write something about him.  I want to hang out with him, actually.

10. He inspired the following as recently as last October:

When you watch Cedric Benson run the football you’re struck by two contrasting traits. He doesn’t go out of his way to make people miss, preferring to try and run people over, and he doesn’t seem to run the ball very hard. It’s hard enough to pull off the first thing in the NFL under any circumstances but impossible when you don’t run into the line like a runaway train. Too often, Benson appears to go down at first contact and appears to be missing the assertiveness you need to be a successful NFL running back.

9. He was so disliked by his teammates in Chicago that “about ten” Bears defensive players tried to hurt him in practice.  I would prefer Mario to continue trying to murder opposing QBs and not have him disembowel a teammate.

8. He is coming off a season-ending broken leg that required a plate in his lower leg, near his ankle.  Maybe it is completely healed with no lingering after-effects, but do you really want to take that chance?  Do you REALLY want to risk having him make the roster, only to then find out, oops, I guess it wasn’t totally perfect?  Because, maybe I am old fashioned, but I think we’ve got enough injury questions in our backfield as it is.

7. He is a summa cum laude (loud?) graduate of the Fred Smoot School of Nautical Recreation.

6. According to beef,

this guy me and some friends met at a party, who went to UT, and played with C-bong at Midland Lee [...] said that everyone on Lee’s team hated his guts because he was such a prick, and all he cared about were his numbers [...] and he was a whiny finger-pointer.  Anyway, the dude said that he had several other friends on UT’s team, and when he’d tell them he was from Lee, they’d bring up how much everyone on UT’s team hated his ass too for the same shit.  You could also tell it from watching their games.  He’d always be standing by himself on the sidelines and no one would ever come up to him for congratulatory or “keep your head up” comments.

Is that nothing but hearsay?  You bet.  But it’s fully admissible in the Court of Matt Fucking Hates You.

5. His boat parties don’t end well.  “Yeah, yeah…suuuuure you weren’t drinking.”

4. About a month after deciding boating wasn’t for him, he took the same strategy to the open road, only with fewer hoes and no bag of Sun Chips.  This fantastic story ends with a court-ordered breathalyzer ignition lock.  So I’m guessing the judge didn’t buy the excuses.

3. The idea that he can fall forward for 4 yards a pop is tenuous at best, considering he fell forward for 3.4 YPC last year before tearing his mangina breaking his leg.  He did manage 4.1 YPC in 2006.  You know who else managed 4.1 in 2006?  Ron “Meringue” Dayne.  And Dayne had 4.0 YPC in 2007.  And he did it all without endangering the public, eating Sun Chips with hoes, or getting arrested multiple times.

2. According to the Chicago Sun-Times,

The worst part of it is that Benson isn’t a viable reserve because he doesn’t pass block, play special teams, or help on third downs. He could be low on the depth chart (emphasis added).

I’m guessing that could be a problem as we break in a rookie LT and try to keep Matt Schaub upright all year.  Just sayin’.

1. He’s not a good fit for a true zone blocking system.  Thomas Jones was the cut-back style runner on the Bears and he was shipped to New York because the Bears thought Benson’s “pounding” (and I use that term as loosely as it can be employed) style was a better fit for them.  He doesn’t have the speed to get the outside zone consistently (and he runs upright on outside runs), yet he lacks the vision to properly cut back and go. And I’m not the only one who says this stuff:

If there’s one thing we know post-trade, it’s that the Bears offensive line was suspect/borderline shitty last season too.  Their inability to open solid running lanes was masked by the cut-back running style of Thomas Jones.  When Jones took the hand-off from Grossman and realized his blockers hadn’t cleared any space, he was able to manufacture extra yardage.  Even then, he still danced around the backfield too often and was never able to break off any long runs.

So it should be no surprise that Benson is struggling.  He is strictly a straight-ahead, power runner; if the hole isn’t open, he’s not going anywhere.  I’ve seen better run blocking from plastic lineman on an electric football table than what the Bears have shown this year.

How NOT to blog.  From–surprise!–a Baby-eating Sisterfuckers’ fan blog comes a fantastic example of why old media thinks blogs are a ridiculous exercise.  Sweeping generalizations about other teams?  Check.  A pollyanna-esque assumption that all the players on your team will be healthy and uber-productive?  Check.  A conclusion that does not follow logically from anything you have written?  Check.

Know thy enemy.  Petey Faggins turns 29 today, making him the worst 29-year-old CB in the league and opening the door for someone else to claim the title of Worst 28-year-old CB.  Congrats! (He also allows me to link to one of my favorite posts.  Woot!)

Um…what?  Article from RealFootball365, suggesting that we should sign LaMont Jordan because our RB roster is currently Ahman Green, Vonta Leach, Admichinobi Echemandu, and Samkon Gado.  Way to research your premises, guys.  Fo’ real.

That’s about it…not much Texans news floating around the ether today.  Hopefully, I’ll be back with something later today.  No promises, though.

I am going to take a short break from posting about football to throw this out there:

FUCK THE UTAH JAZZ, FUCK ANDRE KIRILENKO RIGHT IN HIS FLOPPING, EURO-DOUCHEBAG MOUTH, AND FUCK THE ENTIRE STATE OF UTAH. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog, already in progress.

Bear with me as this little ride might be a bit bumpy (translation: I’m a senile old coot, just happy to have my apple mush at the end of the day).

So, we know that our heroic Texans are willing to trade Rosie Rosenfels, and we know that we’re really, oh just super interested in re-signing Craig Nall to be Teh Schaub’s backup. We know that a certain team up north is willing to cough up a third round pick for Rosenfels. And we know (jeez, repetitive much?) there are reports the Texans are trying to trade back and flip 1st round picks with the Steelers and pick up a 3rd round pick for the effort (follow the link all the way down just above the comments).

What else do we know? Well, it looks like CB Fabian Washington is on the block. I think it’s fair to say that he has underperformed his expectations. While at Cornhusker U., I thought he would be a star at the next level. However, injuries and inconsistencies - and the occasional wife beating - have insured that his stay in Oakland Los Angeles Oakland Whatever will be short. Better yet, his contract is good for two more years, and it’s about as cheap as can be imagined for a player of his caliber.

With DeAngelo Hall on the cusp of entering Raider-land - a trade almost sure to not end well - the Raiders will have a complete log-jam at CB. But, because the Raiders will have to spend their 2nd and 6th round picks on that special head-case, they’ll be terribly short of picks come draft day. You don’t exactly have to be Travis Johnson to see where I am going with this.

Washington will be cheap to acquire due to the aforementioned injuries, inconsistencies, and his off-field transgressions. Plus, Washington isn’t the perfect player by any means: he’s weak in run support, for example. The Raiders aren’t exactly well-known for doing anything well these days, and with Washington only 25 this season, he has plenty of time to turn things around. Oh, and did I mention that he ran a 4.28 40?

This has “match made in heaven” written all over it. Trade the lowest 3rd round pick (probably the Steelers pick if that deal goes through) for Fabian Washington. Then, give me one part Fabian Washington and one part Ray Rhodes, and we might have a Chris McAllister caliber player at CB. Now, bugger off cuz Matlock is on, and I need to adjust the rabbit ears.

PS: Am I the only person who just really doesn’t like The Mountain Goats? I’m intrigued by “The Big Sleep,” so I got that one with my emusic subscription. Also got Levon Helm and the RCO All Stars, Flogging Molly, and Tinariwen tonight. IOW, my usual genre-cluster-fuck of monthly downloads. Weeeeee!!!!

Edit: Corey Smith re-upped with the Lions, so he’s out. I see this as: 1. another straw we go DE in the 1st round (though not a big, back-breaking straw), and 2. why we brought Chaun Thompson aboard to play the speed rusher role off the end. Yeah, he’s a LB, and he’ll compete for the SAM position with LVJ Bentley and Zach Diles, but Chaun does have the size (close enough) and speed to play that role if necessary. Total speculation, though.

This post is about four hours late this morning. Doesn’t my employer know that work time is blog time? DAMMIT! Anyway, work sucks today, so sorry for the delay.

The big news of the morning is, of course, that the New York Giants loves them some Mr. Mittens. The mere fact that the Giants want to keep Mittens in the news is proof that *the God of your choice* loves us and wants us to drink more rubbing alcohol beer! The danger is that Mittens actually beats the monstrous Jared Lorenzen (that’s Shake on the left), and Jared simply pops Carr into his mouth like the worm from a bad bottle of Mezcal. Obviously, our nation would grieve for days after the loss of someone of Mittens’ stature, but I don’t think Mittens has much of a chance of winning the backup job. (original link courtesy from profootballtalk.com)

If that isn’t enough to make you swoon, then how about signing Pacman Jones (again from PFT):

If Titans CB Pacman Jones is reinstated and traded to another team, the new team would be on the hook for base salaries of $1.29 million in 2008, $1.74 million in 2009, and $2.19 million in 2010.

Yeah, I am willing to take a chance with salaries like that, especially in lieu of our signing Petey Faggins, Jr. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that parts of the Texans nation are developing a nice little man-crush on Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie (ADF, Matt, me, I’m looking at you). Sadly, I don’t think he’ll be there for #18, and it looks like the Ravens are zeroing in on Leodis McKelvin with their pick.

I’m neither inherently a risk-taker, nor am I risk averse. I am, however, optimistic that things would work for Pacman in Houston, but I’ve got nothing to base that on other than my formidable gut.

Finally, and a little off-topic, but it looks like the Stros’ Kaz Matsui has a little pain in the ass. This is ironic, of course, because watching him play this year will cause pain to all our asses.

Crap. Back to work. “Clean your windshield, sir?”

Well fuck me in the ear.

It seems that the puppeteers who manipulate the Corpse of Al Davis have placed the exclusive franchise tag on stud CB and cause of rampant wishing and speculation, Nnamdi Asomugha.

Asomugha, who emerged as a franchise star the past two seasons, will earn $9.465 million for the 2008 season, the average salary of the top-five cornerbacks in the NFL. He could earn more if the average is higher at the end of the restricted free agency period.

I know it was–at best–a pipe-dream that he would sign with the Texans. I know this and yet I am still pissed about it. And here I said I wasn’t going to drink tonight. Thanks, Al.

Those of you tuning in this morning to read a pithy recap of the Pro Bowl will be disappointed. Not because I won’t be a smartass, but, rather, because I boycotted the game due to the egregious injustice that was the absence of Mario Williams.

In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted that I generally only watch about the first 20 minutes of the game anyway. Who the hell wants to see people NOT hit Tony Romo as hard as they possibly can? Certainly not I.

But, anyway…I refused to watch any of it yesterday. I’m sure the NFL is reeling from this loss. In lieu of Pro Bowl coverage, however, I present to you:

A Random Number Of Links That Have Dick To Do With Anything!

1. ***In news that I am sure all of you support (or at least any of you that I like), “Stupid beer laws” are going away around the country. Of course, there is still no sign that Arkansas is going to repeal the uber-ignorant Sunday sales ban that plagues me every weekend, again proving that this state hates me.
2. ***Speaking of the state that time forgot, it appears that there is LEPROSY in Northwest Arkansas. Now, the Department of Health says it is not an “outbreak,” as only nine people are infected, but still…LEPROSY? Seriously? I didn’t even think that existed anywhere in the U.S. Outside of Anna-Megan’s pants, of course.
3. ***The Dream Shake (aka The Only Blog Solely Dedicated To The Rockets That Is Worth Reading) thinks Stern picked Rasheed Wallace for the NBA All-Star game out of spite. I love this theory, if only because that is the type of shit I like to do as a parent. It’s good for the kids. And for ‘Sheed.
4. ***Official invite list for the 2008 Combine. I still say one of the events should be sending the guys to a strip club with $10,000 in ones.
5. ***The other day, BFD and I were invited to join a bigger website as football contributors. We considered it briefly, until we saw this caveat: “All submissions must comply to accepted decency standards. No obscenities, inflammatory or slanderous statements, or abusive comments will be tolerated and are grounds for immediate withdrawal of content, as well as withdrawal of writing/podcasting privileges, without reimbursement.” Umm…yeah…fuck that shit.

Saturday, November 24, 2007. Panthers locker room, top shelf of locker #8.

David Carr’s Left Glove: Psst. PSST! Righty, you awake?

David Carr’s Right Glove: Guh! I am now, asshole. I was dreaming about getting fisted by Jessica Alba, you jerk.

Lefty: My bad, dude.

Righty: S’alright. What’s up?

Lefty: Well, I was thinking. This whole “actually being on the field” thing sucks. There’s a grass stain on my palm that will probably never come out. Captain Buttplug can’t keep himself upright long enough to do anything and we are taking a beating because of it.

Righty: Dude, TELL me about it. If John Candyass goes all fetal position and lands on me again, I’m going to fucking lose it.

Jar of Pomade: (lisping) Would you two shut the hell up? Some of us are trying to sleep.

Lefty: Don’t make me slap the shit out of you, hair snot. I’m not even fucking kidding. I’ll shove you to the goddamned floor and break your jar again. You didn’t like that last time, did ya?

Pomade: (lisping) Asshole.

Righty: Homo.

Lefty: ANYWAY, here’s what I was thinking. If you can make the Rump Ranger look like total shit tomorrow, that might just do it. I mean, Coach Fox is pissed as it is–surely one more bad game would do it. And it’s not like you’ll have to work that hard–he’s totally capable of looking like shit on his own. You just need to kick it up a notch or two.

Righty: Dude, that’s brilliant! If we do this right, we’ll get to hang out on the sideline and hold a clipboard for the rest of the year.

Lefty: Man, I love holding a clipboard. It fe–

Jockstrap: Guys, not to butt in, but I am not totally sure about this. We could get in a lot of trouble.

Righty: Listen here, cockrag–no one asked you. If I want an opinion on the relative merits of shaved testicles as compared to unshorn, I’ll find you. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and contemplate just how ironically useless you are.

Lefty: So, it’s settled?

Righty: Hell yeah. It’s on.

Sunday, November 25, 2007, 2:15PM CST.

Lefty: Dude, what are you doing?! He’s completing passes to Steve! That is so not cool! It’s second and eight from midfield–fucking throw an interception!!

Righty: OK, OK…chill out. I got this. (pulls thumb off the ball too early)

Radio Announcer: “Carr takes the snap, steps up in the pocket. He looks left. He fires deep to Carter down the left side aaaaaaannnnnnd INTERCEPTED!! Carr threw that ball right where Craft could get his hands on it. That ball never had a chance. New Orleans takes over at their own twenty-one.”

Lefty: AWESOME! Nice fucking throw, man!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU FUCKING SUCK!!!!! BOOOOOOOOO!!!! WE WANT MOORE! WE WANT MOORE! GET THIS TURD BURGLAR OUT!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Righty: Dude! Look! Coach Fox is over there, talking to Matt Moore. It looks like he’s telling the kid to warm up! We did it!

Lefty: Fuckin-A, man. Fuckin-A.

So, let me get this straight. The University of Missouri, the same institution where I spent my freshman year of college, is playing the Oklahoma Land-Thieving Criminals for both the Big XII title and the opportunity to play for the National Championship. Even more importantly for my purposes, however, a win by both MU and WVU means that the necropedophiles of Ohio State will be shut out of the title game.

Yeah, you could say I am interested. (As I wrote that sentence, OU took a 7-3 lead. Jerks.)

But, push coming to shove, I would take an MU loss and an OSU national title (ugh) if the Texans could go into Nashville and beat the holy living shit out of Vince Young. I’m not talking about a win–I want a win, but that would not be enough to offset Lucifer in a Sweater Vest winning a title. Rather, I am talking about Mario Williams separating one or more of Vince’s joints on a hit that makes my television rattle as time expires on a 27-3 JUGGERNAUT victory.

In Schaub’s name, I pray.

Last week: 4-9 (yikes)
Season: 103-69

Week 13 Picks

San Francisco @ Carolina. When Zoolander was signed by Carolina, a number of non-Texans fans told me “you’ll see…he’ll catch on somewhere else and be really good; it was all the Texans fault.” In recent weeks, no fewer than four of them have since retracted that position and admitted that, yes, David Carr does suck immeasurably. Then again, the 49ers are poster children for sucking. I haven’t seen this much sucking in one place since I let my subscription to SugarDVD lapse. Pick: San Francisco

Buffalo @ Washington. I would like to think that the Redskins are going to come out and lay a royal smackdown in memory of Sean Taylor. Unfortunately, they have played like ass when Taylor has not been there. Something has to give, I guess. On the other hand, Buffalo shat upon me last week, so I won’t pick them on the road in a game like this. Pick: Washington

JUGGERNAUT @ Tennessee. Prior to heading off to Nashville, where it is likely he will be arrested after shanking Bud Adams, Tim was stuck in meetings for two days. Because I am a nice person who has absolutely nothing to do at work most of the time, I sent emails to distract him. At one point, I was bitching about certain aspects of my job–talking to rapists, looking at pictures of dead babies, etc.–when I mentioned that two months ago, I was forced to take pictures of a prisoner’s dick. Yep. As if that’s not bad enough, it actually happened twice; first I took pictures in the “natural” state and then I was sent back two days later where I had to wait for him to get “ready” in a bathroom so that I could photograph it that way. Now, I work about twenty minutes per week, rarely get to work before 9 or leave after 4, and somehow I still feel like I am losing in this bargain. Pick: Houston

Atlanta @ St. Louis. ATL to STL / on them things and crunk as hell / Your system blast, then let it bump / Spark the L and raise it up. Pick: Atlanta

Seattle @ Philadelphia. The next person who says that the Eagles showed a “blueprint” for beating the Pats gets a mouthful of basset hound shit. I’m not even playing–I have the hound and I’m not afraid to use him. Pick: Seattle

Detroit @ Minnesota. I might have overreached last week when I said that there was no way the Vikings would shut down the Giants’ passing game. (Current game score: OU 7, MU 6.) So, we have a Vikings team that may have AP back against a Detroit Christketeers team that seems in a freefall. Seems too obvious. Pick: Detroit

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis. From Big Cat Country’s “Fyodor Dostoevsky’s guide to the AFC South: Absurd Metaphors for everyone!“: “Dimitri is a character obsessed with obtaining redemption, obsessed with rising above his background and overcoming the burden of sin in his heart. Jacksonville is at team obsessed with overcoming the Colts, of overcoming their reputation as an inconsistent and emotional team, and finally finding their Grushenka. The obsession only enhances their emotional intensity, and it’s not until they overcome that intensity and play with focus that they’ll find themselves at the top of the AFC South.” Umm, yeah. That’s what I was going to say. Copy cat. Pick: Indianapolis

San Diego @ Kansas City. New rule: You lose to the Raiders one week, I pick against you the next. Pick: San Diego.

New York Jets @ Miami. If you are the Dolphins, in addition to being ungodly inept at pretty much everything, you have to consider this game your last, best chance to actually win a game this year. Which you probably won’t. Assuming the Dolphins get the first overall pick, who do you think they take? If they assume Ronnie Brown will recover, they probably don’t take Darren McFadden. They just drafted John Beck, so it’s unlikely they’d take Brian Brohm or Matt Ryan. The defense is getting kind of old, so a pick like Glenn Dorsey makes sense, but do they take him #1 overall? In the end, they’ll find some way to screw this thing up. Go ‘Phins. Pick: New York Jets

Denver @ Oakland. Oh, Mike Shannahan, you wily genius. People say you can’t kick to Devin Hester, you show them by kicking to Devin Hester. Common sense can’t hold YOU down, Mike. No way, no how. Thankfully, you get a game this week against a team that is lucky to beat their scout team in a given practice. Pick: Denver

(OU 14, MU 6. Fuck.)

Cleveland @ Arizona. I was going to write something about John McClain right here, but I am going to rant instead. Why the fuck can NO ONE get the reverse/double reverse thing down? Missouri just got a two-point conversion on a reverse option, yet Kirk “I want to have sex with Darren McFadden” Herbstreit said “double reverse” no fewer than six times. Is this so hard? Hell, it wasn’t even an end around that started the play–it was an inside handoff to the RB, who handed to the WR on the reverse. This is pretty much the classic reverse, aside from Chase Daniel starting the play in the shotgun. Sweet Christ. (OU 14, MU 14. Halftime.) Pick: Cleveland.

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans. NFC South–catch the thrill! If you were building a team right now, would you rather have Earnest Graham or Reggie Bush? Yeah, me too. Pick: Tampa Bay

New York Giants @ Chicago Bears. If this isn’t the greatest picture ever, it is certainly on the short list. Ah, alcohol…the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.  Pick:  New York Giants

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh. I am generally a contrarian bastard when it comes to pretty much everything sport-related. The world hates Barry Bonds? I love the guy. The world wants the Pats to lose? 19-0, baby. I don’t do this on purpose, but it is an incredibly consistent part of my personality. Strangely, however, my feelings on Chad Johnson have mirrored the public sentiment; he’s gone from being outlandish and hilarious to annoying and contrived in a pretty short span of time. I sort of miss the Barry Sanders approach to being in the endzone–act like you’ve been there before and you plan to be there again soon. Pick: Pittsburgh

New England @ Baltimore. Correct me if I am wrong, but you do have to score at least two points to win a football game, right? Sucks for Baltimore. Pick: New England

UPDATE: Fuckin’ Mizzou. Well, at least WVU lost as well, so there is still hope that someone who can beat OSU will get in the game with them.

By now, everyone has heard about the murder of Sean Taylor. While this event is completely out of left field, the media coverage of it will not be. Thus, I present the following NOT to make light of Taylor’s death–I honestly do feel bad for his family and friends–but to make light of the preposterously predictable nature of the media. If, in so doing, I seem slightly insensitive, I apologize. Still, you know DGDB&D well enough to know there are no sacred cows.

“This is a tragedy that really puts the non-importance of football into perspective.” by Mike Lupica

“Taylor’s death shows us how quickly everything can be taken away.” by Peter King

“This is a logical conclusion to the embracing of the “hip hop” lifestyle.” by Skip Bayless

“How does Taylor’s death affect Tony Romo’s love life?” by Matt Mosely

“If this were Pacman Jones, you could blame it on the “hip hop” lifestyle, but Sean Taylor was not a part of that. He had left the bad boy image behind.” by Jeffrey Chadiha

“This is racial. People would be screaming for the killer to be brought to justice if this were Brett Favre.” by Jason Whitlock

“Sean Taylor’s murder is not unlike the death of INSERT FAMOUS ATHLETE HERE.” by Bill Simmons

“The Redskins are dedicating the remainder of their season to Taylor, but where do they go from here?” by Jason La Canfora

“This shows the foresight in Roger Goodell’s zero-tolerance policy, but he needs to be more strict and ban for life any player within 20 yards of a crime.” by Rick Reilly

“Would Sean Taylor have been a Hall of Famer if this didn’t happen?” by Football Outsiders

“It should have been you, Peyton Manning.” by Matt Campbell

Some random Friday Texans nuggets while I let it sink in that my wife is pregnant.

• The Texans have inked draft picks Zac Diles and Fred Bennett. With rookies scheduled to report to camp on Sunday, expect a flurry of deals in the next 48 hours.
• Texas.com has a breakdown of the three TEs. Nothing overly newsworthy in there, except that it appears all three are healthy and ready to contribute to the team in slightly different ways.
• Single game tickets are now on sale. The Titans game and the Saints game reportedly sold out in minutes. I have no idea why…
• Not so much “breaking news” as just really cool and helpful, USA Today has a searchable NFL salary database.
• Finally, I just wanted to mention that I will be in Houston around 6PM next Friday. Somewhere in between the three practices (note: if any of those three are canceled, someone dies), I’d like to meet up with readers/fellow bloggers/non-serial killers and have a beer or thirty. An Astros game is also doable if anyone is interested.

Ignoring for a second that celebrating the Fourth of July as “America’s birthday” is akin to celebrating the day you were conceived instead of the day your mom actually crapped you out, I would just like to wish everyone a happy holiday.

Now go out, get drunk, and see what you can blow up. It’s the American way.

Finally, this entire post was an excuse to post this video, which will either be the funniest or the most retarded thing you’ll see this month.