John Clayton eschews reality-based analysis, decides Young is next great QB
Aug 12, 2008 Logo by Chris, Overrated, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Ranting, Rebuttals, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Weak-ass arguments
No, really. Time to fisk.
The Pittsburgh Steelers‘ personnel officials assembled on the practice field in Latrobe, Pa., Sunday to watch workouts for Byron Leftwich and Daunte Culpepper, two talented quarterbacks who went through the offseason looking for work instead of preparing for the season.
Replacing Chaz Batch with Leftwich or Culpepper? Was Kordell Stewart unavailable? How about Spergon Wynn? Could no one reach Shaun King?
They were amazed. “What are these guys doing on the street?” scouts muttered to themselves.
What were they doing on the street? Hanging out with other people who are not viable NFL QBs, I guess. Oh, and in Leftwich’s case, eating. A lot.
Both quarterbacks are in great shape. They are big and physical with powerful arms.
And all the mobility of a tectonic plate.
Both have been winners in this league.
Jacksonville was 24-20 in games started by Leftwich. His best record as a starter was 8-3 in 2005. Winner winner, give this man his chicken dinner.
Feeling as though they had hit the lottery for a quick fix while Charlie Batch heals from a broken collarbone, the Steelers signed Leftwich for the minimum salary.
Their version of the lottery sounds a lot like Shirley Jackson’s. Can I volunteer to throw the first rock?
The NFL chews up quarterbacks like patrons at a football game devour hot dogs. Alex Smith, the top pick in the 2005 draft, is struggling in San Francisco and could be beaten out by journeyman J.T. O’Sullivan. Matt Leinart is the starter in Arizona, but one stumble could bring Kurt Warner into a starting role again. Rex Grossman isn’t exactly wowing them in the great Chicago Bears quarterback debate.
Yes, it is the NFL’s fault the the QBs you just mentioned are shitty. That makes sense. All failed QBs fail not because of their own lack of talent, but, rather, from the evil NFL machine eating them like a hotdog.
With Peyton Manning sidelined with a knee infection and Tom Brady nursing an ankle injury, you wonder, “Where are the next great quarterbacks coming from?”
Hmm…let’s see. My guesses for places you could look for the next great QB would be: 1. Cincinnati 2. New York (Giants) 3. New Orleans 4. Denver 5. Dallas 6. Washington 7. Houston 8. Jacksonville 9. Cleveland and 10. Anywhere other than Nashville or Kansas City.
On a recent trip to Nashville, Tenn., to see Titans quarterback Vince Young, I saw hope for the present and the future.
Well fuck me runnin’.
Young might not be a fantasy football delight because he’s not a numbers guy, but in time, the numbers might come.
“he’s not a numbers guy” = “he fucking blows as a QB under any traditional metric you might care to use, save for ‘being ambiguously gay at da club,’ where he is among the league leaders.”
In the meantime, Young, under the instruction of offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger, is taking the next step in developing into an elite NFL quarterback.
Step 1: Run just enough as a rookie that people overlook your mediocre passing.
Step 2: Regress in your second year, cease to run, and ride a great defense to the playoffs.
Step 3: Throw your offensive coordinator under the bus.
Step 4: ???
Step 5: Profit?
Heimerdinger watched all of Young’s game tapes and developed a plan for taking his immense talents to the next level.
That plan was relayed to Vince using simple, crayon drawings:
While Young is still a work in progress, the Titans are fortunate to have a quarterback who can be a winner on the field while he learns.
Obligatory reminder: VY’s career record: 17-11 (0-1 playoffs). Rex Grossman, WHO CLAYTON JUST SAID SUCKED ABOUT FOUR PARAGRAPHS AGO: 19-11 (2-2 playoffs).
“Eventually, I think he’ll be pretty darn good,” Heimerdinger said. “This guy’s physical presence is amazing. He’s 6-4 or 6-5. I didn’t think I would see anybody bigger than Steve McNair and John Elway, two guys I worked with.”
So, there you have it. Vince will be good because he is tall. Other tall QBs who came in with a lot of hype: Todd Marinovich (6-4) and Ryan Leaf (6-5). (Also, Heimerdinger didn’t think he’d ever see someone bigger than McNair (6-2) or Elway (6-3)? Really? Chad Pennington, whom he worked with, was as big or bigger than both of those guys.)
Young has Michael Vick-type running ability, but his height gives him a downfield edge when he stays in the pocket to pass.
Which would matter if he ever stayed in the pocket to pass. And if he could read defenses.
In two seasons, he has gone through some interesting configurations. Coming out of Texas, he was a running quarterback who could throw.
And who could probably spell his name if you spotted him the “V-I-N-C.”
He went 8-5 as a rookie starter in 2006 and was billed as the NFL’s next star. He was on the cover of the Madden game. He threw for 12 touchdowns and ran for seven. He was the offensive rookie of the year and earned a trip to the Pro Bowl.
He also threw 13 INTs, which John leaves out because that would be the verbal equivalent of using teeth in this written blowjob.
Not only did he beat the Madden jinx by starting 15 games last season, Young, through his leadership, took the Titans on a surprise ride to the playoffs.
Yup. That’s exactly what happened. The playoffs had nothing to do with Tennessee having the best defense in the league. It was Young’s “leadership” that took them to playoffs. That leadership included standing away from all the other players, pouting like a little ho when he was not the starter in the game at Houston. But that kind of leadership is so powerful, it can overcome a 9 TD, 17 INT, year. That leadership is not fazed by a fall off in yards per attempt, yards per completion, or yards per carry. Amazing. He’s like General fucking Patton out there.
Despite that success, things were holding him back.
Based on what we’ve seen and heard from him, I’m betting those “things” were Norm Chow and the itchy, restrictive nature of shirts.
He played a good portion of the season with an agonizing quad injury that handcuffed him.
Little-known fact: An injured quad makes it so that you can’t see the opposing teams’ defensive backs, thus forcing you to throw into coverage a LOT.
Worse, he struggled in his second season, trying to be more of a pocket passer than a multidimensional quarterback.
Sooo…the “next great QB” struggled when trying to be a QB? Weird.
“My quad, man, it was bad,” Young said. “Every week you get it better, then you go out and play and hurt it again. The quad would get weak. I was taking those pills for the pain. I was running around trying to make plays when it’s not there. The quad is definitely back where it needs to be although I still have a little hole in there.”
Brett Favre thinks you are a total fucking pussy if you can’t plan through some pain while hopped up on Vicodin. Also, just fyi, the fact that the pain pills make it not hurt during the week does not mean it has gotten “better.” Further, if it was that bad, why the fuck didn’t you take a few weeks off and rest/rehab it, especially since the team did not miss a beat with Vodka Collins at the wheel. (Because, you know, that whole “we’re riding our defense” thing)
Heimerdinger returns to the Titans at the right time for Young. Having worked with McNair and Elway, Heimerdinger knows how to craft a plan for a talented quarterback.
OK, first of all, the next person to mention Heimerdinger and Elway in the same sentence gets smacked in the head. Mike Heimerdinger was the WIDE RECEIVERS COACH for the Broncos from 1995 to 1999. He had literally DICK to do with developing John Elway. Yet that is exactly what Clayton is insinuating.
Secondly, though, Heimerdinger also worked with Brooks Bollinger and Chad Pennington when they were in their developmental stages as QBs and neither of them became much of anything. (That’s called an “understatment.”) So, it looks like ‘Dinger does well when he has a talented QB (McNair) and not well at all when he doesn’t. Which makes him no different from anyone else, really. Besides, you can argue pretty convincingly that it is EASIER to devlop a talented QB, so McNair’s development under Heimer (which, incidentally, came after McNair had been starting in the league for three years, which is the point where many QBs make a large leap in terms of production) is not some merit badge for the OC.
FINALLY, all of this presupposes that Vince is a “talented” QB in the same manner that Elway and McNair were, which has yet to be proven.
Norm Chow, the Titans’ offensive coordinator the past two seasons, helped in Young’s early development but a different set of eyes was needed.
The first thing Heimerdinger did was work extensively on defense recognition.
Not a bad plan.
Young was lax in making pre-snap reads in his first two seasons.
Yes, yes he was. And Mike Vick was “lax” in taking proper care of his pets, Charlie Casserly was “lax” in properly evaluating free agents and trade proposals, and John Clayton is “lax” on supporting his arguments with anything resembling proof.
For Young, it was back to school and he had plenty of tutors.
The Titans signed veteran tight end and former Atlanta Falcon Alge Crumpler, who’s known as much for his recognition of defenses as he is for his pass-catching ability.
So, they had to bring in someone to yell out the correct answer to Vince? “R-o-C-k!” “Ohhhh, the ‘c’ is silent!” Sounds like the teaching of Vince was going really well.
Crumpler often bailed out Vick during Vick’s mad scrambles by putting his big body in a spot where the quarterback could see it.
I fail to see how Mike Vick being consistently bailed out by a TE will make Vince a better QB. I mean, when the guy is having to change his route on the fly and go get the ball from the QB, it doesn’t really sound to me like the QB is “developing” as a QB. For example, imagine I am horribly shitty at my job (real stretch, I know). Then, one day, my boss hires a co-worker who, for whatever reason, is an incredibly hardworker and he does all his work and all my work, but I still the get the praise and the bonuses. Have I “developed” as an employee? No. Of course not.
“I see the maturation of Vince,” Crumpler said. “I just want to make sure he doesn’t lose his confidence. Can he weather the storm of being the third pick in the draft and can I be one of those guys who help to get him there? Eli Manning took all the shots in his first few years and he weathered the storm. It’s a great story. I would hope the same thing can happen to Vince.”
And Ryan Leaf took all the shots but didn’t weather the storm. I would hope the same thing can happen to Vince.
Vick’s dogfighting trial and later imprisonment were the story in 2007, as much a part of the daily headlines as Brett Favre’s divorce from the Packers this offseason. That experience adds perspective to Crumpler’s move from Atlanta to Nashville to help Young.
Huh?
Vick’s demise and Crumpler’s season of noncommunication with Bobby Petrino were a personal hell for the Pro Bowl tight end and his Falcons teammates. Being with Young is heaven to Crumpler because he can help.
Ah, ok. Because Crumpler lost his starting QB to federal prison, that makes it much better for him in Nashville. Fine. Whatever. Glad he’s happy. Quick—name all the QBs who have gone from below average to great due to the signing of a veteran TE!
“Look at it, Vince threw nine touchdown passes and 18 interceptions last year,” Crumpler said.
Close, Alge. Though it’s funny that you just made his numbers even worse than they really were.
“He had the Pacman Jones distraction.
Everyone who thinks Vince struggled to throw the ball because Pacman was in trouble with the law and suspended by Herr Goodell, please raise your hand.
He had an injury.
Fair enough. Though, again, if it was so bad that he was hurting the team by playing, then he should have been benched or placed on IR. If it wasn’t bad enough to affect his play, then it shouldn’t be an excuse for his play. But, still, I’ll grant the injury as a viable thing that might have distracted a young QB.
Yet he wins 10 games and goes to the playoffs in the AFC South, a tough division.
Actually, he “won” 9 games, at least according to how such things are recorded. In reality, a much better argument can be made that the team won many of those games despite Vince’s play:
Week 1: 11-18, 78 yds, 1 INT, 1 rushing TD, 1 fumble. Team wins.
Week 5: 20-33, 157 yds, 3 INT. Team wins.
Week 8: 6-14, 42 yds, 1 fumble. Team wins.
Week 9: 14-23, 110 yds, 2 INT, 1 rushing TD. Team wins.
Week 16: 12-22, 166 yds, 1 INT, 3 fumbles. Team wins.
Week 17: 14-18, 157 yds. Team wins.
We have a quarterback. His game management just has to get a little bit better. He’s a difference-maker.”
He’s a difference-maker as a QB like ebola is a difference-maker as a weight-loss tool.
In his first practice this summer against non-Titans, Young completed 22 of 26 passes against the Rams last week in a scrimmage.
Two questions: 1. What were the other numbers, John? 2. You do realize that scrimmage (not even a preseason game!) is rather meaningless, right?
Despite the struggles with confidence and the quad injury last season, Young improved from a 51.5 to a 62.3 percent passer.
And his TD % went down, his INT % went up, and his number of passes over 20 yards went down. Besides, David Carr was a 68% passer in 2006 with a similar YPC and a better INT %. I don’t see anyone calling him the next great QB.
In his third season, he’s starting to figure out who he is as a quarterback.
Mediocre and overrated.
“I’m going to try to be rookie year Vince Young that everybody was talking about,” Young said. “I’m going to go out, win games and try to go further in the playoffs.”
Rookie Year Vince: 51.5% completion, 12 TDs/13 INTs, 12 fumbles, 146.6 passing YPG, 8-5 as a starter…way to set those goals high, Vincent.
His improvements are noticeable.
IN TRAINING CAMP. NOT IN A REAL GAME. PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PBS-LOGO-LOOKING HEAD FROM HIS CROTCH.
Thanks to his offseason of studying pre-snap reads, Young is comfortable behind center. Heimerdinger has worked him in drills to improve his footwork.
File this under “Things They Hope You Have A Basic Grasp On When You Enter The League.”
“Different drills improved my base on five- and seven-step drops,” Young said. “Now, I’m keeping my feet underneath me and I’m sliding up and moving in the pocket. I’m not just standing in one place and bouncing. Having my feet underneath me, I’m throwing more accurately. You watch Tom Brady. He brings his whole body with him when he moves in the pocket. Sometimes, I would use my arm more and not bring my whole body with me.”
You know who else was fundamentally flawed as a thrower when he entered the league? David Carr. All kidding aside, though, did you really just mention Tom Brady in a paragraph about your own development? That feels wrong on a number of levels.
Heimerdinger showed Young tape of how he would stand eight yards behind the line of scrimmage, bouncing with his feet and looking downfield.
“Bouncing with his feet,” huh, John? What the fuck else would he be bouncing on? That’s quality sportswriting. I suddenly have this feeling that you are going to work some ridiculous pun into this article.
If Young had to run, he was so far behind the line of scrimmage, it would be hard to make a gain.
Yet people talked about how he was a much better runner than a passer. Odd.
From reads to foot placement to depth in the pocket, Young is starting to turn old school. He’s getting better.
Translation: Now that he is learning some of the most basic tenets of quarterbacking at any level, Young is starting to at least resemble a real QB. (As for the “he’s getting better,” again, can we PLEASE wait until he does something in a real game before we start throwing this shit around?)
Thanks to Young’s development, remember the Titans when picking playoff contenders.
Welcome to Punsville, population: you. Admit it, you ugly fuck—you wrote this whole goddamned article so you could use that shitty quip, didn’t you?
Bad Would Be An Upgrade
Aug 4, 2008 2006 Draft, Hype, I was told there would be no math, Overrated, Reggie Bush, Stats, Tremendous Busts
Courtesy of Dave, we get the following tidbit from Fatty Starbucks about everyone’s favorite punt returner:
Saturday, July 26, New Orleans Saints camp
JACKSON, Miss. — “When you look at your first two years and you see the 3.8 yards per carry, do you want to puke?” I asked Reggie Bush, who was sitting on a golf cart on the running track surrounding the football field at Millsaps College.
Bush smiled. “Well, kind of. I want nine, 10 yards a carry. But I think the difference with me this year is I’m smarter. I realize four yards is a good run sometimes. I appreciate four yards; I’m not disappointed when I get stopped after four yards.”
I have heard this before. This is what the Saints were saying going into the 2007 season, and Bush wasn’t any more explosive in his second year. The difference this year, the Saints hope, is Bush was a workout fanatic around the New Orleans complex in the offseason, with lots of the strong-burst lifting (squats, mostly) that give a back the kind of explosion through holes we haven’t seen enough of in Bush. He’s most certainly on trial, and he feels it.
“What I did in college was not a fluke,” he said. “And the NFL will not be a fluke for me either.”
OK, first things first, the article already gives Bush too much credit: he has only averaged 3.7/carry over his career, not the 3.8 the author generously gives him. Second, being “not disappointed” after you get stopped for four yards isn’t really the best outlook a guy can have, especially when the rumor is that he is too soft to be a real running back. After all, Ron “Meringue” Dayne averaged 4.0/carry last year and I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was thrilled with the guy.
Now, yes, I realize that Reggie is actually saying something along the lines of “if I can always get four and then get more than that from time to time, I’ll be happy.” Fine. Whatever. But here’s the rub: there is NOTHING to suggest that Bush is even capable of getting to that level.
In fact, let’s take it one step further. Let’s get crazy. Let’s throw this statement out there and see if it floats:
Reggie Bush is an offensive liability
There. I said it. What? You want proof? Fine. First, some numbers, as compiled by the inimitable bfd:
Basically, every time Bush touches the ball, he is hurting his team. The only exception to this rule was as a receiver in 2006 where his 8.4 yards/catch was higher than other Saints backs. In other words, Bush is an offensive sinkhole.
In 2006, his 3.6 yards/rush was below that of the team without him. In addition, most of his 2006 numbers are skewed by a single game against the Giants that single-handedly raises his yards/rush by nearly .5 yards for the entire season.
In 2007, both his yards/rush and yards/catch were well below that of the rest of the Saints’ RBs. Only Mike Karney and Drew Brees, with their 34 combined rushes, managed worse rushing totals. On the receiving side, even Karney’s 6.0 yards/reception were better than Bush’s horrific 5.7 yards/catch. In fact, Bush’s yards/catch of 5.7 was third worst in the league, but he received the ball as many times as the two people below him, Willis McGahee and Ryan Grant, combined.
Bush’s 3.7 yards/rush in 2007 ranks him 38th out of 49 qualifiers, but considering that Aaron Stecker and Pierre Thomas both had more yards/rush more than Bush, Bush’s poor numbers are a likely function of his suckiness moreso than issues with the line. (On the other hand, Adrian Peterson and Ced Benson ranked 46 and 47, respectively, which means that there was probably something more than just the RB that was impacting the rushing equation in Chicago.)
Then, one must consider from where Bush is scoring. Of Bush’s 10 rushing touchdowns, six have been from one yard out, and only 10 and 15 yard rushes—the latter being his longest—are even in double-digit yards. Bush has four receiving touchdowns, only one of which is longer than five yards—his 61-yarder that got endless, unnecessary replays. As a running back, Bush is showing all the explosiveness of Tom Rathman. Which is to say, none.
If Bush isn’t the worst RB in the league, his only real competition is Cedric Benson, but that could also be a matter of offensive line play. When compared to his peers on the Saints, Bush is clearly the worst of the bunch and pretty easily an offensive black hole on the roster. He’s the football equivalent of Neifi Perez, a player who gets too many touches for the incredible lack of skills he brings to the field.
Here’s hoping they play him more.
Indeed, brother.
“But, hold on,” some of you must be screaming. “That’s not fair! The Saints offense as a whole was less good in 2007 than in 2006, so of course his yards/catch fell off!”
Really? In 2006, the Saints averaged 5.8 yards/play. In 2007, they averaged 5.5. They did go from first to fifth in total offense, but does that really explain a drop-off from above-average receiving threat to abysmal? I think not.
Besides, a swing of .3 yards/play is far from uncommon. The Colts had a .4 yard drop-off last year. The Chargers lost .7. And so on, and so forth. Small flutuations happen, even in the league’s best offenses. 30 yards per game (the Saints’ loss) is not a huge deal and it definitely does not explain how the World’s Greatest Weapon loses 2.7 yards/catch.
But wait, there’s more! Some more numbers, this time courtesy of me.
Saints’ overall yards/play in 2007: 5.5
Saints’ yards/play on plays where Reggie touched the ball: 4.8
Saints’ yards/play on plays were he did not touch the ball: 5.8Saints’ yards/carry overall: 3.7
Bush’s yards/carry overall: 3.7
Other Saints’ RBs yards/carry: 3.9Other Saints’ yards/catch: 10.6
Saints’ yards/catch overall: 6.8
Bush’s yards/catch overall: 5.7
Filed under “Hmm, Things That Make You Go.” OK, now I hear some of you saying that the loss of Deuce McAllister is why Bush’s yards/catch went down. It’s some argument like “well, without Deuce in there to keep people honest, teams could key on Bush.” Whatever you say, chief.
Oh, except for this: In 2007, when Deuce was out, Bush averaged 6.1 yards/catch. When Deuce was in (or “loose,” if you will), even for part of the game, Bush put up 5.0 yards/catch. Not the greatest sample sizes, I know, but it still makes that Deuce argument seem questionable.
As an aside, I should throw in that the whole “teams had to account for Deuce” argument strikes me as particularly silly. If McAllister, who averaged a whopping 4.3 yards/carry in 2006, had that much effect on the offense as a whole (and Bush in particular), don’t you think you’d see a marked drop-off in the Saints’ offensive production when Deuce didn’t play? Yet, as we already covered, any drop-off was nigh negligible and is just as easily explained by “Reggie Bush brings everyone’s averages down.”
Also, to those who would suggest that Marques Colston’s yards/catch also dropped by 2.5 yards, so there must have been something bigger at play, I have three counter-arguments. First, Colston was an unknown when he entered the league in 2006 and, as such, he did not face CB1s on a regular basis, at least at first. By the start of 2007, he was the biggest threat (by far) in the passing game and, as such, was always defended by the opponents’ best CBs. Second, Colston had 28 more catches in 2007, which would make it more difficult to keep up a ridiculous 14.8 yards/catch. (Hell, Randy Moss averaged 15.2 in his record-breaking season last year. 14.8 is great. Only four WRs last season had as many catches as Colston and had a higher yards/catch.) Third, while Bush’s performance was so bad that it pulled the team’s yards/play down to 5.5 (remember, it was 5.8 when he didn’t touch the ball), the team only averaged 4.8 yards/play when Colston didn’t touch the ball, so comparing his drop to Reggie’s drop is not exactly apples-to-apples.
So, that’s it, right?
Of course not. We would be remiss if we didn’t also throw the following numbers at you:
Reggie’s 8 total fumbles were tops among non-QBs and his 7 rushing fumbles were tops among everyone.
Reggie’s 10 dropped passes (in 12 games) tied him for third in the league (and tied him with people who played 16 games).
The claims about the Saints’ offensive lines woes are likely overblown, as they ranked between 7th and 11th overall in 2007, depending on who you ask.
Behind that line, Reggie Bush ranked 56th out of 56 according to Football Outsiders’ DPAR (Defense-Adjusted Points above Replacement). His DPAR of -8.9 means, in short, that he was worth 8.9 points less than the average NFL backup RB.
Reggie’s career-long run remains at 25 yards. 25. Cedric Benson has a career long of 43 and he’s trying to find a job right now. Benson also had at least one run over 30 yards every year in the league.
SO…what does all this mean? At this point, I am not willing to go all out an call him a bust. That said, however, I will point out that RB is generally agreed to be, by far, the easiest position to transition to from college. DEs and QBs can take three or four years to develop (though Mario is certainly ahead of the curve), while many RBs can and do play well from the jump. Reggie, on the other hand, has not even consistently put up numbers worthy of Blair Thomas.
His numbers do track fairly well with Eric Metcalf, however. So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice.
With apologies to Oasis
Jul 9, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Idiot Karaoke, Inanity, Overrated, Tunez, Vince Young can't read this post
Wonderlic
by: Vince Young
This year is s’posed to be the year
That I’m gonna learn to lead a team
Or not, since I just forgot
Everything ‘Dinger taught to me
I don’t believe that they expect me
To memorize an entire playbook
Last week the word was on the street
That the fire in my heart was out
Forget I said I almost quit
Because I never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that they expect me
To memorize an entire playbook
And I’m sure the way I play this year will hurt us
But at least the guys I’m dancing with are shirtless
Our mascot is a Babyeating
Sisterfucker, too
But I don’t care!
Tenn-ess-eeee
You know I fit in cuz I can’t read
3-4-5-6
It’s my Wonderlic
I know Gage is wide open
But I’d rather just tuck and run
Throwin’ deep, man that ain’t for me
Interceptions ain’t no fun
I don’t believe that they expect me
To memorize an entire playbook
And all the fans who watch me play are meth-mouthed
And all of them have wheels underneath their house
Our mascot is a Babyeating
Sisterfucker, too
But I don’t care!
Tenn-ess-eeee
You know I fit in cuz I can’t read
3-4-5-6
It’s my Wonderlic
Tenn-ess-eeee
You know I fit in cuz I can’t read
3-4-5-6
It’s my Wonderlic
Tenn-ess-eeee
Where people just love to inbreed
Where they’ve got no shoes on their feet
Where they really think I’m a Q-B
If he’s lucky
Jun 5, 2008 2006 Draft, Awesomeness, Overexposure, Overrated, Reggie Bush
Somehow, in the hullaballoo yesterday, I managed to forget to post this.
Anyway, courtesy of reader Vega, comes ESPN’s list of NFL players who need a strong 2008 to rebound from a shitacular 2007. Guess who’s on there.
Go ahead, guess.
Oh, but it gets better. From the article: “A scout once declared Bush a Marshall Faulk clone. He’s starting to look more like the second coming of Eric Metcalf.”
Now that’s funny. But it’s even funnier when you think about a certain song parody from last September, wherein I wrote:
Good morning NFL, how are you?
Don’t you know me I’m the chosen one,
I’m the running back they call The Next Gale Sayers,
But, I’ll be returning punts in Cleveland by the time I’m done.
(Full disclosure: Tim gets credit for the original nicknaming of Bush as “Eric Metcalf, Jr.” I just ran with it.)
A post wherein Titans fans send emails and comments about how great Vince is and how I am a jealous dumbass.
May 27, 2008 2006 Draft, Overexposure, Overrated, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity
Boo fucking hoo.
Apparently, Vince Young is a huge pussy was so bummed about life in the NFL that he nearly quit after his first season.
I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.
So what brought him out of this funk you ask? His teammates. And God.
My teammates helped lift me out of it. I prayed really hard. And I began to focus on God’s calling for me. Play football. Be a role model.
Hey, far be it from me to say whether God exists or opine on whether he really gives a shit about athletes qua athletes, BUT I am reasonably sure that anyone whom God chose to be a QB would post a TD-INT ratio of better than 9-17. I mean, Kurt Warner was sacking groceries and God told him to be a QB and he put up 41 TDs and 13 picks. Jon Kitna loves him some Jesus and even he can post a near 1:1 TD:INT ratio. Yessir, God’s QBs tend to put up respectable (or better) QB numbers.
Long story short, Vince, I think you might have misheard God. Maybe he said your were supposed to be a cornerback. Those sound pretty similar when you are hammered on Patron.
A post wherein I rip on some things I hate
May 21, 2008 Fuck the Cowboys, Had to post something, Inflamed body parts, Overrated, Travis Johnson, Vince Young can't read this post
Dallas Cowboys. You know what I would do if I’d just made a big deal about landing Darren McFadden Lite in the first round of the NFL Draft? I’d turn around and give ANOTHER RB on my team $45 MM ($16 MM guaranteed). Yep, and I’d do this even though, for whatever reason, that RB was not even the starter for most of last season. Then I’d feel really good about this move when that RB’s agent said, [n]ow that he’s going to be the starter and one of the highest-paid players at his position, you’ll see his coming-out party,” suggesting that, had I paid him better earlier, I might not have needed to draft the second RB.
(Yes, I know that the “explanation” as it were is that “you need two RBs in this league,” though I seriously doubt the people who say that are suggesting that you need two highly-paid RBs, both of whom feels he should be the starter. Moreover, I’m not entirely sure that you need two starter-quality RBs at all. Sure, it’s nice, but the Pats have gotten by without two just fine. The Colts are a strange situation because they block so well that scrubs suddenly become solid starters. And it’s not like the Cowboys–who had a two-headed RB the last two years–have fared all that well when it really mattered.)
As a pre-emptive aside, if any Cowboys fans are reading this and feel the need to comment with something like “TRY GETING TO TEH PLAYOFS BEFOR U TALK SHIT,” please remember three things: (1) your team has won exactly as many playoffs games as the Texans during the Texans’ existence; (2) while you have made the playoffs, all you’ve done is this: 
; and (3) your mother is a worthless whore.
Tennessee Titans. I know this is old, but I can’t stop laughing at the “Vince Young partying with other half-naked drunk dudes” photos. My favorite is this one–
–mainly because Elroy the Naked Fat Redneck seems to be cracking that one dude up while Vince plays shy and hard-to-get. “Oh, these tats…yeah…I just…I dunno…I think they kind of make a statement about who I am. Say, that’s a nice beard/shaved head thing you’ve got workin’.”
Travis Johnson. “Inflamed pelvis?” Really??? AWESOME! (For comedic-writing purposes, not for your day-to-day well-being.) I guess that dick isn’t quite so holy, huh? You got gypped by the Pope!
Talib or not Talib
Apr 24, 2008 2008 Draft, Bad Idea Jeans, I hope, Overrated
I’m just gonna throw this out there so that it is preserved for Saturday: There is no chance in hell that the Texans take Aqib Talib. The dude had THREE marijuana test failures (including one he claims was not a big deal because he admitted before he took the test that he was going to fail it!), has a reputation for being a cocky dickhead, AND his form as a cover corner (most notably in the hips) is flawed.
No way, no how; if the other three corners are off the board when 18 rolls around, we’ll go another direction.
So there.
Battle of the seven-button suitcoats
Jan 21, 2008 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Fake Conversations with Real People, Huh?, I'm not even sure this one is funny, Inanity, Overrated, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Thannon Tharpe, Vinsanity
Bathroom at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, 10:45pm
Shannon Sharpe: Man…I really gotta take a thit. Thtupid airplane food.
(2 minutes later)
Sharpe: (singing to himself) Thwing loooowwww, thweet chariot, comin’ for to thumthin thumthin hoooome…
(Merril Hoge enters the next stall)
Hoge: Damn, son…that’s some FINE singin’. I love me an old-fashioned black spiritual. Makes me feel like I am back home in Idaho. Not that we had blacks…hey, who’s in there, anyway?
Sharpe: Thumone tryin’ to thit, dammit. Thut up and give a brotha thum peathe.
Hoge: Hooooo, boy! Listen to that lisp! You sound frutier than bag of Starburst, son! Wait…is that you, Vince?!? I always knew you’d sound gay!!! I’d ask you to toss me some toilet paper, but you couldn’t get it over here even if you wanted to. Isn’t that right, Mr. Overrated?
Sharpe: Motherfucker, ith me–Thannon Tharpe! Who the hell are you?
Hoge: It’s Merril. You know, ESPN Analyst Merril Hoge. Good lord, I never realized how gay you sound. If you’d have been tapping your foot there in the stall while you were singing, I’da thought you were hitting on me.
Sharpe: Whatever, man. Jethuth taught me to turn the other cheek and not hate juth becauth thumone ith diffent. (pauses, grunts, continues) Hey, thpeaking of hate, why the hell are you alwayth ripping on Vinthe? You jus make yourthelf thound ignurrant, cuz it thows you don unnerthand what he really bringth to hith team.
Hoge: What he brings to his team? You mean like twice as many INTs as TDs? (farts, laughs)
Sharpe: Thee! Thath what I am talk about! You mith the point–that he bringth intangimableth that thtupid thtatithticth can’t meathure!
Hoge: Please! That’s what everyone says, what’s that even mean? If the only thing he does well is stuff that can’t be measured, then how much stock can you put in the “intangibles?”
Sharpe: But he winth gameth!
Hoge: No, the Titans’ DEFENSE wins games. Their offensive line that turns shitheads like LenDale White into viable options wins games. Vince is just along for the ride and, if he manages not to screw shit up, gets all the credit for the win! How does that make any sense? But no matter how much I scream about it, people listen to you lisp about how great he is!
Sharpe: You are thuch an ignurrant hick. Taking all thothe hitth to the head mutht’ve methed you up. You thimply don’t know what you are talking about, becauth he ith that great. I mean, tho what if he can’t throw thirty yardth with accurathy? He ith deadly effithient on thothe eight yard dump offth. He creath playth with hith legth. He fortheth defentheth to adjutht. He hath a chanthe to be one of the betht dual-threat quarterbackth in hithtory. I’ve gotta be honetht, Merril–it really thoundth like thour grapeth, man. All you’ve done thince he wath drafted wath talk about how awful he ith.
Hoge: Maybe I am just sick of people making him into Jesus in Cleats! Maybe I fail to see what he does that is worth a first round pick, let alone a high first round pick. Or…maybe…
Sharpe: What ith it?
Hoge: Maybe I miss the old days, Shannon. The days when I could still play and quarterbacks were not supposed to run. That’s what the running backs were for. I miss the days when Neil O’Donnell was a god among men.
Sharpe: Neil O’Donnell wath never a god, Merril! Thath juth thtupid.
Hoge: You didn’t know Neil like I knew him, Shannon! No one did! See…NOW who is being the negative prick?!
(voice from the third stall)
Emmit Smith: Guys, guys, guys…let me be the void of return. All this negativosity is impending you from researching a mortgageable contraceptive.
Shannon: Oh, Jethuth Chritht.
Let’s not carve that bronze bust just yet
Dec 7, 2007 2006 Draft, Athletes who don't stab people, Cool dudes with cool cars, Overrated, Reggie Bush, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans
As if it wasn’t painfully obvious from the weekly Moments of Zen, I do not much care for Reggie Bush. I fully admit that he was a bad ass in college–the best money could buy!–but I was never sold on the idea of him being the next Gayle Sayers. On top of which, I just didn’t like the guy because he seemed like a moody prima donna.
So, when I checked my email this morning and saw that reader Eric had emailed me this article, I couldn’t help but smile. It seems that even Saints fans are beginning to have doubts about Reggie.
Some choice quotes:
[W]ith Deuce McAllister’s knees becoming more unreliable with each tear, the spotlight has fallen on Reggie Bush. And he’s dropped the ball, literally and figuratively. And now the Saints have to worry about acquiring another running back this year.
[A]s he approaches the end of his second year (sans any big plays this year, or medium plays for that matter), it’s time to acknowledge the fact that Bush has been at best an incredible disappointment, at worst a flat-out bad player who’s threatening locker room morale.
It started this past offseason, when there were much muted rumblings that some Saints veterans didn’t appreciate Bush missing workout time to film some of his umpteenth commercials in California. And it’s bled into this season, one in which Bush has regressed noticeably.
With 14 seconds left in that game and the Saints in possession with a (very remote) chance of victory, Bush was already halfway to the locker room; Sean Payton had to furiously chase after him to pull him back to the sideline.
His roster spot is in no danger for at least two years, and I have faith that one day he’ll be a superstar. I just hope that day isn’t after he’s burned his bridges with the Saints.
I like that last one the best, because it sounds like a Saints fan trying to convince himself one last time that the pick wasn’t bad on its face–that the problem lies solely in Bush’s attitude. Color me unconvinced. You have a guy who:
- (a) has been handed everything his entire life, from houses and money while in college to millions in endorsements before he ever took an NFL handoff;
- (b) basically decided that it should be up to him where he played and that he didn’t want to play in Houston, so he made it clear that he was going to be a pain in the ass to sign if Houston did take him;
- (c) did not even show the ability to be a feature back in college and was noticeably absent near the end of both national championship games;
- (d) has shown zero ability or willingness to run between the tackles (something that is kind of important in the NFL) or to set up his blocks, and who is seemingly oblivious to the fact that he is not fast enough to get to the outside on every single play;
- (e) has, since the injury to Deuce McAllister, been nothing short of horrid in many games, with poor rushing totals, tons of fumbles, and almost no touchdowns; and
- (f) has become a locker room cancer because he refuses to be a part of the team or admit when something is his fault.
That doesn’t sound to me like someone who is going to “be a superstar” any time soon. Unlike certain defensive ends who recently broke the team’s single season sack record and could conceivably break the team career record in the next game. I’ve said it before, I’m saying it now, and undoubtedly I’ll say it again soon, but picking Mario Williams was without question the right move.
G.O.A.T.? Hardly.
Sep 30, 2007 2004 Draft, DeAngelo Hall, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Overrated, Posts that list too many players, Teams that aren't the Texans
I wanted to get this up before the game starts so it doesn’t seem like anything other than what it is.
With the Saints on a bye this weekend, the crown of “Most Overrated Player in the NFL” fits squarely on the head of Falcons CB DeAngelo Hall. Of course, ridiculous columns like this one don’t help.
Perhaps the only other cornerback consistently mentioned as one of the top players currently at the position is Champ Bailey. Both Hall and Bailey have tremendous speed which allows them to cover a lot of ground, but they also tackle very well. While Hall may be thrilled to be mentioned on the same level as Bailey, he’s still aiming to become the outright best corner ever.
I don’t even know where to begin. How about the idea that Nnamdi Asomugha is widely considered the best or second-best corner in the league by anyone with an ounce of sense? Seriously, the ONLY people who sincerely believe that Hall is one of the best corners in the game are Hall and a handful of myopic sports writers. Thankfully, and despite the constant crowing by Hall, the stats don’t bear out the claim that he is anything special.
Consider:
Hall (165 tackles, 13 INT, 22 PD, 2 FF, 3 TD, 0.5 sack) is not even the best of the first round corners taken alongside him. Dunta Robinson (267 tackles, 11 INT, 35 PD, 5 FF, 1 TD, 4 sacks) and Chris Gamble (215 tackles, 16 INT, 22 PD, 2 FF, 2 TD, 1 sack) are both arguably as good or better than Hall, yet no one is trying to say that either of them is best in the league.
“But wait,” cry the Falcons fans, “teams AVOID throwing at D-Hall because they are afraid of him because he’s so good.”
Um…
Dunta Robinson–targeted 80 times last season.
DeAngelo Hall–targeted 87 times season.
(Chris Gamble was not among the 20 most-targeted)
So, in a season when Dunta was playing across from a host of random fill-ins and a hobbled Petey effin’ Faggins, teams threw at him less than they threw at DeAngelo. Also, the Texans were thrown at a total of 505 times last year… and teams chucked at the Falcons 515 times, so you can’t use the “teams threw at the Falcons a LOT more, so that’s why DeAngelo had more targets” defense, either.
What about the idea that he shuts down great receivers? Well, he had a good game against Smith last week (until Hall opened his mouth), so there’s that. But, what’s that saying? Even a blind fat chick finds a pie every now and then. How did he fare against big name receivers in 2006?
Marques Colston–7 catches for 97 yards. Hall had one tackle. Advantage: Colston
Larry Fitzgerald–4 for 71. Hall had INT TD. Advantage: Hall
Hines Ward–8 for 171, 3 TD. Hall had 3 tackles. Advantage: Ward
Chad Johnson–6 for 78, TD. Hall had 2 solo and 3 assisted tackles. Advantage: Johnson
Roy Williams–6 for 138, TD. Hall had 3 tackles. Advantage: Williams
Santana Moss–7 for 123, TD. Hall had 2 tackles. Advantage: Moss
Terrell Owens–5 for 69, 2 TD. Hall had 8 tackles. Advantage: Owens
Wow. Amazing.
*cough*
He did manage to hold his own against Braylon Edwards (3 for 31, TD) last year, so he’s got that going for him. Then again, Braylon still found the endzone, so maybe that wasn’t a total win. And the immortal Hank Baskett lit him up for 7 catches, 177 yards, and a TD. Not surprisingly, 2005 wasn’t much better for Hall, either, as he got lit up by Terrell Owens, Steve Smith twice, Darrell Jackson, Donald Driver, and Laveranues Coles. Plus, let’s not forget the “I own 85″ shaved into DeAngelo’s head before the preseason game against the Bengals, wherein Chad made Hall into a SportsCenter punchline.
Someone help me out here. WHY is Hall ever talked about in the same sentence as “best corner” unless the words “unequivocally not” are also involved? Because, to my mind, about the ONLY way you can make an argument for Hall being one of the best is if you use a bunch of quotes from DeAngelo Hall.
Am I the best complete corner in the game? Yeah. I don’t get beat for touchdowns which always gives us a chance to win. I make tackles when I have to. So I definitely think I’m the most complete corner in the game.
Please–and I think I speak for everyone, here, including Falcons fans–shut up.
Hines Ward and Rod Smith don’t believe the hype
May 23, 2007 1996 Draft, Desperate times call for desperate MEshawns, Jeff Fisher's Mustache, Overrated, Posts that list too many players, Simulpost, Teams that aren't the Texans
When we were in England last fall, the wife and I went out to breakfast at this little place near the house. We asked the waitress what she would recommend and she immediately replied with “The Traditional Breakfast. It’s the best in all of Warwick!”
Either she was lying, or the word “best” means something totally different. (Kind of like how “bad” meant “good” in the 80s.) The meal was–honest to goodness, no hyperbole–the worst we had during our entire honeymoon. In fact, as I write this, I can picture the eggs attempting to sail away on a river of grease and pork-and-bean sauce. Eww.
I was reminded of this meal today when I heard that Keyshawn Johnson chose to retire rather than succumb to the wiles of Jeff Fisher’s mustache. Johnson always held himself out as one of the best receivers in all of football, but there was little evidence to support him.
Consider: Key had one season with more than 90 catches. He had 10 catches of over 40 yards in his entire career. He had one season where he reached double digits in TDs. He did have 552 catches for a first down, however. This makes sense; Keyshawn was nothing more than a possession receiver with a gift for self-promotion.
Consider further: Rod Smith, who came into the league the year before Keyshawn and is a similar receiver in terms of size/speed/strength, has two seasons of 90+ catches, two seasons of double-digit TDs, 21 catches of 40+ yards, and 570 grabs for a first down. He also bests Johnson in 1000 yard seasons, putting up eight to Johnson’s four. Even if you grant that Smith might have played in a better system,1 it is hard to argue that he was not a better WR over the last decade than Keyshawn. (Another similar receiver, Hines Ward has three 90+ catch seasons, three double-digit TD seasons, 15 catches over 40 yards and 407 first downs. He also caught a 5 balls for 123 yards and a TD in the Super Bowl and was Super Bowl MVP, as opposed to just having 6 catches for 60 yards and no TDs.)
Which is not to say that Keyshawn was not at what he did; in fact, as possession receivers go, he was one of the best for a number of years. However, methinks that the Jets were not drafting a possession receiver with the first overall pick in 1996.2 Keyshawn knew this and tried to promote himself as more than he was in order to–I suppose–avoid being looked at as a less-than-stellar draft choice.
Somehow, he managed to convince a lot of the mainstream media of this alleged greatness.
Keyshawn Johnson retired Wednesday, ending an NFL career in which the outspoken receiver was once one of the game’s biggest threats.
Oh, yeah? Point me to one season where you would rather have had Johnson than Rod Smith (to say nothing of the true great receivers like Terrell Owens, Marvin Harrison, Randy Moss, Torry Holt, etc.) Heck, since 2002, show me a time when he was the biggest threat on his team. Go ahead… I’ll wait.
Give up?
It can’t be done. Keyshawn knows this, too. As I listened to him today on the Afternoon Blitz on Sirius, he made sure to mention–ad nauseum–that he wasn’t about “numbers.”3 Instead, he could hang his hat on what he’d done–like being a Pro Bowler, winning a Super Bowl, etc. That is apparently his new approach; he will talk about all the “team” accomplishments he earned while trying to deride guys whose numbers are better. That will make for some real “tell it like it is” journalism, I’m sure.
How does this relate to the Texans? Well, while it never got legs like the Titans’ pursuit did, there was some conversation about whether Houston should sign the egotist. Thankfully, common sense prevailed. (Did you ever think the Texans would be a more sensible organization than the Titans? Me neither.)
Anyway, that’s the story with Keyshawn. If he was half as good as he thinks he was, he’d be ten times better than he really was. That’s, like, algebra.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go watch the greatest movie in the history of cinema.
UPDATE: Today, a friend and I were discussing Keyshawn as he relates to his contemporaries and we came up with at least 16 WRs who were better (some arguably, most clearly) than Keyshawn. The only rule was that their career had to overlap Keyshawn’s by at least a couple seasons. So, along with some of the guys listed throughout this post, you have Randy Moss, Torry Holt, Marvin Harrison, Herman Moore, Chad Johnson, Terrell Owens, Larry Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson, Henry Ellard, Tim Brown, Steve Smith, and Sterling Sharpe (we bent the rules slightly for him). Even if you disagree with one or two, it’s hard to make a case that Keyshawn was one of the top 10 WRs of his own generation.
1I say “might have” because, aside from two years as the go-to receiver in John Elway’s offense (in which he was at best option B1 behind Terrell Davis), Smith played with such luminaries as Brian Greise, Chris Miller, Bubby Brister, Gus Frerotte, Jarious Jackson, Steve Beuerlein, Danny Kanell, Jake Plummer, Bradlee VanPelt, and Jay Cutler.
Johnson played with Glenn Foley, Frank Reich, Neil O’Donnell, Vinny Testaverde, Ray Lucas, Rick Mirer, Shaun King, Brad Johnson, Rob Johnson, Drew Bledsoe, Jake Delhomme, and Chris Weinke. That is, at worst, a wash. You might even give a slight edge to Johnson, seeing as how he has five QBs with Super Bowl experience in his list.
2Then again, it is the Jets.
3Which, if true, makes one wonder how he ever got the name MEshawn.
