Kickoff
Aug 13, 2008 2008 Season, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Kickoff, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Teams that aren't the Texans, Winstonsaurus
Overexposure Redux. I have another article up (and in print) for the Houston Banner. Nothing groundbreaking, but I’ll be damned if I am going to miss a chance to link to myself. You all should know that by now.
Where’s Winston? Total Titans has the All-AFC South team up. I agree with most of it, though I think Bennett should be in the mix and there is no way in hell you leave Eric Winston off of it. Also, only slightly related, Dallas Clark is overrated. There, I said it.
Awesome. Andre Johnson is back working out with the team for the first time since the groin pull. This is good news.
Finally. Caption away, peoples!
Kickoff
Jul 15, 2008 Frank Okam is an evil genius, Kickoff, Kris Brown's golden leg, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Please let the season start soon, Teams that aren't the Texans
Praise Durga. As Steph mentioned in the comments to a previous post, Peyton Manning will miss about 6 weeks after having surgery to remove an infected bursa sac. They say he will be ready to go by the start of the season, but a 10-year vet having knee surgery (even minor knee surgery) doesn’t sound like the type of thing that is guaranteed to turn out well. Some people would say, “man, I hope he comes back because I want the Colts to be at full strength when we beat them.” To that, I say “you, sir, are an idiot.”
The other guys on the team / Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads / And also like to hide the special shoe / I need to kick in the snow. Scout.com interviewed Kris Brown. It’s your typical Q&A fluff, though the part about tuition reimbursement for former players is kind of neat. (OK, fine, it’s not neat. You win. I only posted this story so I could bust out some Lonesome Kicker lyrics.)
They say nothing of Frank Okam’s evil genius, however. Nothing new in this breakdown of Texans’ training camp goals, but it does repeat all the stuff we’ve been talking about for a while. I’m just glad to finally see other outlets saying this stuff instead of “line bad…bah, Texans suck” or whatever.
Bein’ wrong never felt so right
Jan 13, 2008 Awesomeness, Colts Shmolts, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong
My first incorrect playoff pick and I am actually pretty happy about it.
God, I loathe Peyton Manning. I blame Reche Caldwell for causing people to forget Manning’s decade of chokerating.
I’m dreaming of some zone blitzes
Dec 21, 2007 2006 Draft, Beer, Blasphemy, Bloggerating, Colts Shmolts, Fuck the Cowboys, KEYE sucks, Mormons, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Tequila
I would like to apologize to whatever cosmic force I angered. My bad. Really. Now that I have admitted my guilt, could you please stop damning me with horrible officemates? I mean, haven’t you ever heard the philosophy that once a man admits that he’s wrong, that he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? It’s not like I’m making you pick up itty bitty pieces of skull on account of my dumb ass.
In addition to his incredible insights on Day 1, Dipshit Cowboys Fan Officemate (DCFO) has offered the following (note, some of these are only mind-numbingly stupid if you are a lawyer, I suppose):
- (in response to my bitching about Mario getting shafted) DeMarcus Ware has more sacks than Mario. My response: 11 is more than 13? Weird. When did that happen? Was there a press conference?
- (in response to someone asking him about bail) Are bail and bond the same thing?
- (moments later, displaying his total ignorance of the 8th Amendment) I guess they can set any bond amount they want. I can’t find anything in the case law that says it has to be reasonable.
- (regarding the 11 Cowboys on the Pro Bowl roster) With Sean Taylor gone, Roy Williams is easily the best safety in football. (I damn near spit out my coffee on this one.)
- (regarding Zoolander) David Carr could have been a Hall of Fame quarterback if you guys would have protected him.
- (regarding college) Him: I don’t understand these black kids at places like Florida State that get in trouble every year. This never would have happened at my school. Me: Where’d you go? Him: BYU.
So…yeah. This is what I am dealing with. I am currently trying to get someone to trade offices with me, but that’s not going all that well. I should probably stop beginning those negotiations with “Jesus Christ, I have to get out of that office before I light that retard on fire.”
Anyway, on to the picks. I followed the amazing perfection of two weeks ago with a hot, wet shitstorm last week. Oh well.
Last week: 9-5
Season: 135-81
Week 16 Picks
Dallas @ Carolina. Panthers fans should be happy. You think Tony Romo was distracted by Jessica Simpson’s presence last week. That’s NOTHING compared to the way he will be eyeball-fucking Zoolander. Unfortunately, Carolina fans, your team still eats balls. Pick: Dallas
JUGGERNAUT @ Indianapolis. I want to do it. I want to put down that we are going to roll into the RCA Dome, Mario is going to nail Manning more often than Kenny Chesney does, and the JUGGERNAUT is going to come out 8-7. I want to believe. And, since it’s my blog, I’m going to, goddamnit. Pick: Houston
Green Bay @ Chicago. I was just talking to my wife about DCFO and she said, “you are so negative…he can’t be that bad.” My son, standing in the background, said “Mom, he’s a Cowboys fan.” I’m the motherfucking father of the year. Pick: Green Bay
Cleveland @ Cincinnati. A possible player to keep in mind when the free agent signings start happening: Justin Smith. He’s never become the #1 DE that people thought he would, but he’s still damn good. If you could get him at a reasonable price–probably unlikely, though there are enough DE FAs this season that it is possible–he might just become a monster opposite Mario. I’m just sayin’. (Or, if you are like Tim and would rather see Travis Johnson beheaded like a kidnapped Westerner kicked to the curb, it’s worth noting that Pat Williams will be a FA as well. Put him between Mario and Manchild and you might have sheer fucking dominance. My sources say “sheer fucking dominance” is a good thing.) Pick: Cleveland
Oakland @ Jacksonville. Ideally, Oakland will win this game, Houston will win, and next week’s game will be picked up by NBC’s flex schedule due to the “trying for first winning record” v. “fighting for playoff positioning” storylines. Ideally. Problem–Oakland blows. Pick: Jacksonville
New York Giants @ Buffalo. All Eli Manning wants for Christmas is one more win. He better hope Santa fucking delivers this weekend, though, because it ain’t happening next weekend. Pick: New York Giants
Kansas City @ Detroit. The Lions are collectively still walking funny after the ass pounding they got from LDT and Co. last week. Luckily for them, the Chiefs are more of a bottom than a top. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Pick: Detroit
Philadelphia @ New Orleans. Reggie Bush is saying that he might return either this week or the next. With how he’s played so far this year, can a torn knee ligament really make that much of a difference? Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’, Eddie! Pick: Philadelphia
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco. Jeff Garcia returns to the sight of some of his greatest glory holes. Pick: Tampa Bay
Atlanta @ Arizona. Dear Arthur Blank, Up Yours. Signed, God. Pick: Arizona
New York Jets @ Tennessee. If you have any questions about how this game is going, just call your friends in Austin. They can tell you. In other news, KEYE is still a bunch of fucknuts. Pick: Tennessee
Baltimore @ Seattle. Seattle gets to play the one team in football that suffered a more embarrassing loss than they did last week. You would think that both of these teams would be fired up, looking to get back on track. But Baltimore still can’t score and Seattle is still a collective of vaginas. Pick: Seattle
Miami @ New England. If you seriously believe that there is even a chance Miami wins this game, please see your doctor. Pick: New England
Washington @ Minnesota. I love Adrian Peterson. He is a beast. With even a semblance of passing game to take the 10th man out of the box, he’s a real threat for 2,400 yards. That said, I can pick up a blitzing linebacker better than he seems able or willing to do. Minnesota should win this game, but something is making me pick against them. Pick: Washington
Denver @ San Diego. My favorite thing about going home for Christmas (or any other reason) is that my mom owns a bar. Thus, pretty much every trip up there revolves around drinking for free until I pass out. This holiday will be no different. Which means I will likely be below radio depth until Sunday afternoon. Be good, kiddies. Pick: San Diego
40K
Oct 29, 2007 Beer, Holy Crap did you see the end of the Packers game?, I really dig my readers, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Self-Referential Stuff, Travis Johnson
At some point on Tuesday, assuming Blogger doesn’t crash, this little corner of blogodelphia will cross the 40,000 hit threshold. Thus proving that there is always a market for jokes about beer-soaked underwear, Peyton Manning’s sex life, and Travis Johnson’s body parts.
I am as baffled as you.
(Thanks.)
UPDATE: Because a couple people have emailed and said that they are unable to register and leave comments here, I’ve switched the comments to allow unregistered commenters.
UPDATE 2: Of course, having posted this, Sitemeter appears broken today. Unless there have really been no readers in the last four hours.
UPDATE 3: Reader #40,000 was from Gonzaga University. Odd.
When the boredom overtook us, he began to speak
Sep 19, 2007 National Media, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Self-Referential Stuff, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity
Three random nuggets.
1. A new picture of Darcy Maeda. Which requires me, by law, to link to this picture.
2. There is a fairly good possibility that I will be in Houston for the Titans-Texans tilt on October 21. Should that happen (and should I manage to stay out of the emergency room this time), would people be interested in a get-together on Saturday evening? I assume I can twist Tim’s arm enough that he will drink…who else might swing it?
3. Interesting take on Darius Walker from Fanhouse. Shockingly, it was not written by Stephanie. Other people thinking about the Texans? What’s next, cats sleeping with dogs? Britney looking good on the VMAs? Me not making jokes about Manning and Chesney?!?! Anarchy!!!!
Daily Affirmations
Sep 18, 2007 2007 Season, Andre Johnson, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Owen Daniels is a big ol' Pimp, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment
I can’t think of a moment where I would not be a little upset to read that Andre Johnson was injured. Possibly fifteen minutes after he retires following a Hall of Fame career, he could sprain his knee and I would not be overly upset. Though, by then, we will probably have found a way to include retired players in fantasy football scoring, so it would still be a problem. Sayeth the Kubes regarding AJ’s knee:
I would say that he is doubtful for that football game. We’ll know more in the next couple of days. There was no swelling, but there’s definitely a sprain there. It’s a concern right now.
That’s the good news and the bad news. We feel fortunate. Andre is going to be fine. Is he going to be fine in one week? Or is he going to be fine in four weeks? We’re still in the evaluation stage. We don’t know.
Obviously, when your next game is against the reigning champs (and the other undefeated AFC South team), you would like to have your All-World WR at 100%. That, however, is not going to happen.
And, you know what? We still have a chance to win. Granted, it’s not as good as it would be with a healthy AJ, but it’s still fairly decent. And that, my friends, is the biggest difference between having Matt Schaub under center and having Johnny Whitegloves taking snaps. Schaub gives us a chance to win every single time out. He avoids sacks. He makes good decisions. He doesn’t get flustered and fall to the ground in a puddle of his own tears and pee. You know, he does all the things a good NFL QB is supposed to.
He is also accurate and adept at spreading the ball around, which is the biggest reason we still have a chance. If Schaub just takes what the defense gives him–and, let’s be honest, the secondary of the Colts is not exactly fantastic–he should be able to move the ball. There likely won’t be any 70-yard TDs, but there is no reason to think that he can’t get 8 or 10 at a time to Jones, Walter, and the Owen Daniels Express, not to mention Leach and Batman.
Of course, it’s not scoring on the Colts that will win the game for us so much as preventing them from scoring. Given that Petey will have to “cover” either Harrison or Wayne… well… um… that might be a problem unless Mario turns into Adebisi on Ugoh.
All that said, the fact that I could wake up this morning, see that Johnson was doubtful for Sunday, and not break down in a cold sweat while picturing a 77-0 drubbing says a lot about this current Texans team and, more importantly, about Matt Schaub. Now, if you’ll excuse, I have about 30 Manning-Chesney posts to write between now and Sunday.
With apologies to Lynn Anderson
Sep 16, 2007 Idiot Karaoke, Inanity, Is This Song Too Obscure?, Peyton Manning's lovelife
Rose Garden
by: Peyton Manning
I beg your pardon
Kenny’s giving me a ragin’ hard-on
His songs about sunshine
Make me wanna touch his manhood to mine
I can catch or I can pitch, I can be Kenny’s bitch
And make him go “whoa-oh-oh.”
I beg your pardon,
Kenny’s giving me a ragin’ hard-on.
I could promise you things like Super Bowl rings,
But you’ll have to do more than tell Renee, you need to show her.
Kenny, bend it over.
Well, if sweet-talkin’ you could make it come true,
I would give this all up and escape with you to Cozumel,
Even though I don’t suntan well.
So smile for a while, there’s no harm
in showing you my “laser, rocket arm.”
Come along, be my biggest Volunteer fan, man.
I beg your pardon,
Kenny’s giving me a ragin’ hard-on.
His songs about sunshine,
Make me wanna touch his manhood to mine.
[Instrumental break.]
I beg your pardon,
Kenny’s giving me a ragin’ hard-on.
I finally beat Tom Brady, so I’m thinking maybe
That’s what it takes to win you,
Come and play with Archie’s son;
as my receiver, you’re number one.
We can pull a QB sneak or you can split wide and go deep,
And if you’re into kink, I’ll give you a donkey punch.
Tell me do you like it rough?
So smile for a while and let’s watch some TV:
You’ll see at least fifty commercials with me.
Don’t you want to date such a famous man?
I beg your pardon,
Kenny’s giving me a ragin’ hard-on.
His songs about sunshine,
Make me wanna touch his manhood to mine.
Ugoh? Keiaho? So?
Sep 6, 2007 Peyton Manning's lovelife, Preview, Teams that aren't the Texans, Winner winner chicken dinner
It dawned on me this morning that I hadn’t finished my countdown to nine wins. So, here they are–wins 8 and 9. Yes, I am totally mailing this one in.
For an explanation of what the heck I’m talking about, look here.
Win #8–Week 16 @ Indianapolis. Here’s the deal–I think all the talk of the Colts’ demise is greatly overblown. Yeah, they lost Tarik Glenn, but they have a talented (if not polished) rookie in Tony Ugoh to fill his shoes and–much more importantly–they have a great o-line coach and a QB who is fantastic at avoiding sacks (at least the football kind). On defense, they lost a few parts, but it’s not near enough to matter. Hell, they improved by getting rid of Cato June and letting Freddie Keiaho play.
And that is exactly why we will win. By week 16, the Colts should more or less have their playoff positioning set. Which means they will have no need to play their starters very much, if at all, especially on offense. We, on the other hand, should be scrapping for those last few wins to push us over .500. That’s a solid combination.
Win #9–Week 17 v. Jacksonville. I have zero explanation for our continued success against the Jags. It’s inexplicable. Yet, we keep winning against them. So, I’m just calling the two matchups a split this year because I am nearly certain we will win one of them. That’s how we roll.
“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get.”
Jul 26, 2007 Beer, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Self-Referential Stuff, Training camp 2007
If you are like me, you don’t really need an excuse to drink. Much like breathing, sleeping, and making jokes about Peyton Manning and Kenny Chesney, it’s just something that you do with surprising regularity.
However, when you do have an excuse, it makes it all the mo’ better. On that note, the world-famous1 Tim from the universally-known2 Battle Red Blog and I are using the simple fact that I will be in Houston as a reason to liberate as much beer from the crush of oppressive containerism as is humanly possible in one night. The details:
What: Drinking.
Where: Char Bar, 305 Travis St.
When: Friday, July 27 @ 8PM
Why: Um… DRINKING.
Who: Anyone who enjoys beer and football3
1 Relatively speaking.
2 In the universe of Houston Texans fans who spend too much time on the interwebs.
3 As an aside, if you don’t like beer and football, you should probably stop reading this and go back to your WNBA highlights and Tina and the B-Side Movement CDs.
LenDalesaurus would make the All-Gastronomical Team
Jun 30, 2007 Andre Johnson, Athletes who don't stab people, Charles Spencer, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Fred Weary is dirty, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Posts that list too many players, Teams that aren't the Texans
Random Thought: Who are the best players at each position in the AFC South? I’m not talking so much about career stats or even what they did last year, though the latter will play into it a little. Rather, if you could build a team right now, to start play in 2007 (without worrying about nastiness like the salary cap), what would an All-AFC South starting lineup look like?
Offense
QB–Peyton Manning. Mrs. Chesney is the only correct answer here. Damn it.
RB–Maurice Jones-Drew. Joseph Addai was a tempting choice, but Jones-Drew’s combination of game breaking speed and strength makes me lean this way. Besides, he averaged more yards per carry than Addai last season and had nearly twice as many TDs.
FB–Vonta Leach. Funny thing… not too many teams in this division use a true fullback. Sure, Dallas Clark lines up as an H-back sometimes, but that’s not the same. So I chose Leach over Ahmard Hall, thinking that there must have been a reason the Giants were trying to snag Leach away.
WR1–Andre Johnson. Blasphemer! Heretic! Possibly, but I think that this is the season where Andre Johnson establishes himself as the best WR in the conference. His numbers might not trump Harrison’s, but his play will.
WR2–Marvin Harrison. It’s not like I left Marvin off the list. We can even call him WR1B if that makes certain fans happy.
TE–Owen Daniels. I hadn’t stopped to think about how solid the TEs are throughout the AFC South. Besides Daniels and the aforementioned Clark, you’ve got Marcedes Lewis, Bo Scaife, Ben Troupe, etc. Daniels, however, showed signs of a breakout last year, so consider this almost as much prognostication as reasoned choice.
LT–Tarik Glenn. Put it this way–it is my fond hope that, someday, Charles Spencer is as good as Glenn.
LG–Vince Manuwai. Umm… you ever tried to pick the best left guard out of a group?
C–Jeff Saturday. Even Colts fans acknowledge that Saturday is a big reason for the Colts’ success. He’s still one of the best in all of football.
RG–Chris Naeole. God, I hate picking guards. That said, Naeole is every bit as good as Fred Weary and 1/10th as likely to get tazered. That counts in this. Somehow.
RT–Eric Winston. Winston would be being groomed to start (or actually starting) at left tackle for a number of teams in the NFL. I honestly think he’ll be one of the best RTs in the league this season.
Defense
LDE–Kyle Vanden Bosch. The funny thing about the defensive line in this exercise is that all of the choices were pretty clear cut. With the next three guys on the list, it is because they are among the very best at their respective positions in the entire league. With KVB, however, it’s because the rest of the choices in the conference were uninspiring. Congrats, Kyle.
LDT–Marcus Stroud. Stroud and Henderson were taken in the first round by the Jags in consecutive drafts. Since then, they’ve dominated nearly everyone they’ve played and show no signs of slowing down.
RDT–John Henderson. Asked and answered, your honor.
RDE–Dwight Freeney. I like Mario Williams as much or more than pretty much anyone. That said, I would trade him for Freeney in a heartbeat. And there aren’t too many fans of other teams who wouldn’t swap their RDE for him.
LLB–David Thornton. Looking at the Titans’ depth chart, you see two tackling machines on either side of a complete turd. Odd. Thornton showed great all-around strongside play last year and, with some of the glaring holes the Titans have on D this year, he’ll be asked to play that well again.
MLB–DeMeco Ryans. D-e-M-e-c-o. 125 solo tackles, 3.5 sacks, 1 INT, and 5 passes defended. As a rookie. (Here’s where I wish I could have the Kool-Aid Man bust through your screen and scream “Oh, YEAH!”)
RLB–Keith Bulluck. Five straight seasons over 100 tackles, and he’s still one of the most underrated players in the league. Hard to do.
CB1–Rashean Mathis. Class of the AFC South CBs, Mathis is a ball hawk and–like Bulluck–not near as heralded out of conference as he should be.
CB2–Dunta Robinson. I did the same thing with CB that I did with WR–I put the second-best #1 in the #2 spot. Now, I know that Friend-of-DGDB&D KC Joyner said that Dunta wasn’t quite as good as advertised, but he also said that last year’s metrics suggested he was improving. So, I’m going on the assumption that he will be better this year than any CB in the South other than Mathis.
SS–Chris Hope. Great in coverage, great nose for the ball, fantastic tackler, integral part of a Super Bowl defense.
FS–Bob Sanders. Remember that scene in Friday, where Deebo hit Red? Yeah, that’s what it’s like when Sanders unloads on an unsuspecting WR. Of course, he’s not the most durable dude in the league, but–for this team–he’s just the type of physical presence you want.
Biz Markie ain’t buyin’ the "Just a Friend" line
Jun 29, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Renee Zellweger
Wow. That last post was really grumpy.
I’m sorry, Tina Turner… I don’t know why I get like that some times. You know… Ike just has a lot of stress, and then I start drinking, and–well–I’m sorry, baby. No, shh, come here. Let Ike hold you.
There, that’s better.
This week’s row with BBS gave me an idea–I should interview Peyton Manning. I mean, how hard could it be to get him on the phone and ask a few questions? Not too difficult, apparently, as I tracked him down in a couple hours this afternoon.
Peyton Manning: Uh… hello?
Me: Peyton?
PM: Huh?
Me: Peyton Manning?
PM: Yeah. Who’s this?
Me: Matt from DGDB&D.
PM: Who?
Male Voice in Background: Who is that?
PM (muffled, to voice): I dunno… shh. I told you you had to be quiet.
Me: Is this a bad time?
PM: No. Who did you say you were?
Male Voice: Peyyyytonnnn… just tell them to call you later. I have to leave soon.
PM (to voice): I said shhh. Just a minute. Jesus, I hate it when you get possessive like this.
Me: Seriously, I can call back. I just have a couple questions–
PM: No, it’s fine.
Me: You sure?
PM: Yeah.
Me: OK… anyway, my name is Matt and I run the fourteenth-most-popular Texans blog on the planet.
PM: Don’t you just love doing stuff to make your parents proud?
Me: Right. So, like I said, I have a couple questions. First, I was wondering if you’d really had a chance to reflect on the Super Bowl? I mean, has it sunk in that this is the first time in your life that you didn’t end the season as an abject failure?
PM: Well, shucks… I suppose I hadn’t thought of it like that. It sure feels good to come out on the other side of things, though. That’s for sure.
Me: Yeah, I bet. Maybe you should have tried that back in 1997, instead of letting Nebraska facerape you like they did.
PM: What? Wait… hold on.
*sounds of hand covering phone mouthpiece*
PM: What the hell?! Why are you crying?? I’m just talking on the phone. Good Lord. You make it sound like I’m doing something wrong.
Male Voice: WHO IS HE?!?
PM: Christ, Kenny, I can’t be around you when you get like this.
*sounds of door slamming*
Me: Is… everything ok?
PM: Yeah, fine. What was I saying?
Me: That it was nice not to play like absolute shit in a big game for once.
PM: Yeah. I owe a lot of thanks to my coaches and my teammates and–
Me: Rex Grossman
PM: my family and Jesus and… wait, who did you say?
Me: I forget. Moving on…
*sounds of beating on a door and something that only be described as “caterwauling”*
Male Voice: PLEASE DON’T SHUT ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE LIKE THIS!!!
PM: DAMNIT, KENNY, I SWEAR TO GOD. I AM… I AM… ARRRGH!
*sounds of door being thrown open*
PM: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?
Male Voice: I… I just want you. That’s all. That’s why Renee and I didn’t work out… because… because you complete me.
PM: I wish I knew how to quit you, Kenny Chesney.
Male Voice: I love you. Always have.
PM: Stop… you know Braveheart lines always make me cry.
Male Voice: Oui. Parce que chaque jour j’ai pensé à toi.
PM: *giggling* I’ll have to call you back. Something has, uh, come up.
Me: Um…
*sounds of line going dead*
Me: ok.
