Kickoff
Jul 25, 2008 2008 Season, Awesomeness, Kickoff, Non-Texan stuff, Overexposure, Please let the season start soon, Preseason 2008
Save the Date, Bitch. It’s here! It’s here! It’s finally fucking here! Remember when you were a kid and the calendar would roll over to December and you’d scream “Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, Christmas vacation is almost here!!!!!” Well, the start of training camp is the same feeling, only multiplied by AWESOME.1
Jerks. Here’s where I was going to put the Duane Brown bit, but Eric and BFD stole my thunder. (I kid. I really dig that those two can save my ass from time to time (read: always).) Yes, that was a double parenthetical.
FYI. I think I mentioned this once before when it was still in the planning stages, but you can sign up with Sporting News to get a daily sports newsletter, and they even email you each day so you can click and go there instead of being bothered to type one of those old-fashioned URLs. It’s nothing ground-breaking, but sports is sports, ya dig?
Finally. Not to keep stealing someone else’s thing, but I found another odd jersey in public last night. I ask you…is this retro or a visitor from the near future? (That’s a Falcons jersey. I continue to have problems surreptitiously photographing people with my phone.)
1 That equation would be “(Jesus+Tittyfucking+Christ)*AWESOME = Start of training camp.”
The World’s Largest Forehead Will Be Ready On Sunday!
Jul 18, 2008 Anger, Awfulness, Please let the season start soon, Self-Referential Stuff, Teams that aren't the Texans
Back when I still had Comcast cable—before the tornado made my trees go bye-bye and allowed me a better view of the Southern sky–I did a post about how Comcast was trying to piss me off.
It seems DirecTV has decided to one-up them.
I called today to order my Sunday Ticket (plus SuperFan) package and, when I was placed on hold, whose voice should come on the line but Peyton fucking Manning?!? That’s right—I had to listen to that inbred, Chesney-blowing assmaster give me a three minute spiel about how “aww shucks, I’m gonna be ready on Sunday, will you be?”
Son. Of. A. Bitch. What could I do? I had to order the package, so I waited and tried to ignore him. And I’m pretty sure I confused the operator when she came back on the line and I said “that person who was just talking to me was very, very insulting.”
Kickoff
Jul 18, 2008 Kickoff, Please let the season start soon
They said “no, you can’t do that he’s a live bear; he will literally rip your face off.” Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you’re doing and listen. SIX DAYS UNTIL TRAINING CAMP!!!
It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. Nice interview with the BRB gang by the Big Cat Country blog. I don’t want to spoil any surprises regarding future DGDB&D posts, but let’s just say I disagree with this line from the Cats blog’s author: [T]he Texans have two definite playoff teams in the Jaguars and Colts ahead of them[.]
If you want to throw down fisticuffs, fine. I’ve got Jack Johnson and Tom O’Leary ready for ya. Scouts.com has a breakdown of the roster. Nothing new, but, hey, what do you expect this time of year? Honestly. Wait…you expect what!? Sicko. (Call me.)
Kickoff
Jul 15, 2008 Frank Okam is an evil genius, Kickoff, Kris Brown's golden leg, Peyton Manning's lovelife, Please let the season start soon, Teams that aren't the Texans
Praise Durga. As Steph mentioned in the comments to a previous post, Peyton Manning will miss about 6 weeks after having surgery to remove an infected bursa sac. They say he will be ready to go by the start of the season, but a 10-year vet having knee surgery (even minor knee surgery) doesn’t sound like the type of thing that is guaranteed to turn out well. Some people would say, “man, I hope he comes back because I want the Colts to be at full strength when we beat them.” To that, I say “you, sir, are an idiot.”
The other guys on the team / Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads / And also like to hide the special shoe / I need to kick in the snow. Scout.com interviewed Kris Brown. It’s your typical Q&A fluff, though the part about tuition reimbursement for former players is kind of neat. (OK, fine, it’s not neat. You win. I only posted this story so I could bust out some Lonesome Kicker lyrics.)
They say nothing of Frank Okam’s evil genius, however. Nothing new in this breakdown of Texans’ training camp goals, but it does repeat all the stuff we’ve been talking about for a while. I’m just glad to finally see other outlets saying this stuff instead of “line bad…bah, Texans suck” or whatever.
Kickoff
Jul 11, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bad Idea Jeans, Kickoff, Please let the season start soon, Self-Referential Stuff, Vinsanity
Better 40-time than Buzz Aldrin. My internet connection is slow at work [fucking county government -ed.], so I can’t get a good read at what is going on in this video. My guess is that NASA wants a bad motherfucker to go to Mars and they are recruiting DeMeco. It’s either that or something to do with Liberty White Liftoff. Dunno.
Banner? I barely even know ‘er! I mentioned it off-hand in my 100K post (go look for yourself if you don’t believe me), but thanks to Liston the Houston Banner offered to let me write a little Texans content. OK, technically, it was “sports content” in general, but I don’t write about basketball and I’m not an Astros fan, so it’s football time in Houston. Or something like that. Here is the Banner’s website, though they don’t have the July articles posted yet. If you want a hard copy (though I can’t imagine why you would), you can pick one up in and around Northwest H-town.
Finally. Another “Create Your Own Caption” photo:
(bfd edit: A gift from Eric to Lee. I was at this game!)
Welcome to the greatest city of aaalllllllllll…
Jul 8, 2008 Please let the season start soon, Tunez
Continuing my theme of “Christ, why won’t this fucking season start already,” I present the song that makes all of us cringe before home games (even though we all secretly don’t hate it):
Note: This is my first attempt at embedding an mp3 from my own computer. Let me know if it works for you.
Update: How’s about now, peoples?
I don’t know about you…
Jul 6, 2008 2007 Season, 2008 Season, Andre Johnson, DeMeco Ryans, Please let the season start soon, Super Mario
but I need some motherflippin’ football. Let’s go to the tape!
Now, let’s get ready for 2008…
Kickoff
Jun 30, 2008 Cool dudes with cool cars, Fluff, Kickoff, Please let the season start soon, Reggie Bush
So, you’re saying we’re not the only ones who noticed? Great post on Mario Williams v. Bush and Young, including some potshots at Lil’ Dickie Justice, age 12, and Bill Simmons. Oh, and Dr. Z, who I am reasonably sure is not really a doctor. Money quote: “In a league that has been called modern day gladiator combat, isn’t having the most physically dominating gladiator worth something more than constant derision?” (H/T Eric)
Sticking with Mario. As a counter-point to last week’s David Carr pictures (which, by the way, never stop being funny), Mario Williams illustrates how to be awesome. 1. Arrive in Hummer stretch limo. 2. Dress like a normal human. 3. Rock a watch that costs more than most cars. 4. Ignore the small white man who is groping your bicep.
Yes, please! Finally, because I can’t find much news this morning, here are your Houston Texans cheerleaders to dance us on out of this post:
Wormser is a master of aerodynamics.
May 22, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Alex Gibbs, Awesomeness, Awfulness, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Gary Kubiak might be high, Please let the season start soon, Roster, Training camp 2008
One of the odder things about me,1 especially to people who have only known me for a relatively short time, is that I spent nearly two years working in a daycare. Even more strange, however, is that I still count that one as my favorite job I’ve ever had. During the school year, I would drive the (short) bus and take the school-age kids to their respective elementary schools, then spend the rest of the day in the three-year-old room, quietly crafting my unholy toddler army. But that is a story for a different day.
During the summer, however, I abandoned my post as three-year-old assistant teacher and was full-time in the school-age room. For the most part, I was responsible for driving us on field trips, delivering some kids to the community swimming program, and making sure no one got killed (which is harder than it sounds when you are the one wanting some of them to die). I also spent a great deal of time dominating nine-year-olds at basketball (on an 8-foot goal!) and wiffle ball. Those were the salad days.
Part of our summer program included something called Outdoor Teaching Activities, which we predictably shortened to OTAs. Ostensibly a way to teach the kids about science and nature, these were really nothing more than having them measure wind speed with bubbles or guess how many helium balloons it would take to lift object X five feet off the ground. Maybe they learned something, maybe they didn’t, but it got them outside and kept us (the teachers) sane. Plus, there is nothing more entertaining than watching a kid who throws like Lamar when he is on flat ground try to throw while standing on a balance beam. High comedy there.
ANYWAY, the point is that, to this day, when I hear “OTAs,” even in a Texans context, my mind does not go to 7-on-7 football and cone drills. Instead, I immediately picture Charles Spencer lighting leaves on fire with a magnifying glass and Zac Diles standing on top of a jungle gym with a bubble wand. I am nothing if not strange.
My own mental issues aside, however, OTAs continue in Texanland, entirely devoid of four-leaf clover searches and sidewalk chalk. And, as a blogger, I suppose I should get off my lazy ass2 and mention them. First up, some choice quotes (and my less-than-choice reactions) from that font of wisdom and geyser of information, Gary Kubiak.
(on the possibility of a healthy QB Matt Schaub, RB Ahman Green and WR Andre Johnson) “Well, it means a great deal. Y’all saw how we played offensively when Ahman was available because he just brings a new dimension, and I think what we’re doing running the ball with Alex (Gibbs), I think Ahman’s really a nice fit with that and I think he’s gaining confidence in what we’re doing. The health of the football team’s important across the board, not just those three, but those three are pretty darn important.”
Not gonna lie to you, Gar…this isn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear. My hope was that you would say “Ahman? Ahman who? Oh, you mean that guy we are going to cut June 1? Yeah, F him.” In retrospect, I was probably hoping for too much, both from him last year and from you in this quote, but still.
Seriously, though, (1) I don’t see Green staying healthy and (2) I REALLY don’t see him thriving in the new system. His field vision is good enough, but methinks there are too many miles on those old legs to really get the explosive cuts that make the system effective.
Kubiak again:
(on the role of DE Anthony Weaver) “I think it could actually pick up for him because he’s healthy. He’s going through the offseason and he’s feeling as good as he’s ever felt. You always have to rotate D-linemen. I think maybe we’ll get a little more out of Anthony than last year just because we’re getting a good offseason out of him.”
Phew, that’s good. I was worried that we’d get less out him than last year. What’s that? There’s nothing less than zero? Oh…yeah…I suppose you are right.
Yes, yes, I know he was coming off a shoulder injury, so I will cut him a little slack. But when you are the highest paid player on the team, you only get so much slack. I really hope he does contribute like I thought he would when we signed him, because that would give us a monster D-line. I’m just not going to hold my breath here and I won’t be surprised one bit if BFD’s prediction of Chaun Thompson as a situational DE limits Weaver’s impact.
Other news and notes from the first three days of OTAs:
- **Unlike last year, the Texans website is no longer pluralizing OTA as OTA’s. This makes me exceedingly happy. And, because I wrote this last year, I am going to take credit for the change. Viva me!
- **DGDB&D whipping boy Petey Faggins is back and he’s mad! OK, not “mad,” really. More like, “hoping to still be on the team come opening day.” Says the seventh-year pro, “I just remembered all the good things that happened and got my confidence back up.” No offense, Pete, but I searched my memory long and hard for good things that happened to you and all I could come up with was you losing your starting job after the Chargers game.
- **I have a theory. If you face this everyday in practice, Kyle Vanden Bosch starts to look as intimidating as a midget driving a VW Beetle:
- **Finally, and as BFD mentioned, Andre Johnson is still on the shelf following minor knee surgery. It sounds crazy, but the health of that knee is likely the difference between 7-9 and 10-6. He is THAT important to the offense, as we saw over and over again last year. Here’s hoping he’s 100% come September.
1 Which, if you know me, is really saying something.
2 Figuratively, of course. Because who would type standing up?
Dahling, with the first pick the Texans will take…
Apr 11, 2008 2008 Draft, Amobi Okoye is 20, Boobies, Dancing With the 'Tards, Little Dickie Justice, Pancakes McTard, Please let the season start soon, Secondary issues are primary, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
On TexansTV (under Special Segments), Pancakes (in his best Howard Morris voice) predicts the Texans will take Aqib Talib.
Here’s hoping that Pancakes, as always, is wrong. Again.
Now, I’m not saying that the Texans don’t have a need at CB - oh no, far from it - so give Pancakes credit for actually picking a position of need (I think we know that Little Dickie Justice would be pushing to trade all our picks for *longing sigh* Vincy-pooh). Talib has considerable character issues, which, as the article states, has caused many teams to drop him off their boards completely. Last year, we did draft ManChild even after he admitted wearing green sweaters, but Talib has had a tough time staying out of trouble.
Then, when you consider his tendency to be downright toastable in pass coverage, we have a combination that can be beat with our first round pick. I just can’t see the Texans taking Talib here, though it’s not impossible, but I hope we go in a different direction.
_____________________
I don’t have time for a separate post, but guess which Texans’ ladies man extraordinaire will be a judge at the Texans’ cheerleaders competition? Could they have possibly chosen anybody better than Will Demps? Check out the TexansTV link above under Football.
The interview is so banal all the way until he’s asked about the judging, and then he’s more flustered than…well, than I would be around a bunch of scantily clad hotties jumping up and down and up and down and up and down in front of me. As DiehardChris, who sent the link, mentioned: you can see his face light up. You can see Demps trying to figure out how to bed them all.
What’s that, Lassie? I haven’t posted anything substantive in a long time?!
Apr 3, 2008 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Blasphemy, Corky Johnson, Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Megan Manfull is retarded, Please let the season start soon, Rules, Super Mario, The Fred
As if you hadn’t noticed, I have REALLY been slacking off over here of late. I don’t have an excuse for it other than actual work at work is cutting into my sweet, sweet blogging time. I am contemplating lighting the place on fire just so I can get a vacation.
In any event, I’ll try to be better about it leading up to the draft. For now, allow me to bust out the old bulleted list.
- ***I have been fairly open about my hope that the Texans take a defensive tackle (read: Kentwan Balmer) at 18, followed by a DE in the third. Not to rehash old arguments, but my reasoning basically goes that a space-eating NT would make life easier for Amobi and Mario, thus making life easier on the secondary, AND I think Earl Cochran might have enough talent to become a rotational DE. All that said, I just took a peak at Anthony Weaver’s stats for the last two years and I am starting to think that the “Draft a DE first” crowd is on to something. One fucking sack in two years? Seriously?!? I mean, I knew the dude had been more or less invisible, but jesus titty fucking christ, even I could get one sack in two years. Hell, with Mario opposite him, Weaver should be able to vulture one or two sacks per year just by way of falling on QBs who are scrambling away from our good DE. And he’s the highest-paid Texans? Fantastic. I am getting angry…better move on.
- ***As first mention by new-BRBer, SOLIS, the Texans re-signed C.C. Brown. I’m of two minds about this. First, C.C. has basically been asstastic for most of his Texans tenure, so one wonders just why the team would throw dollars at him. On the other hand, though, his biggest problem (and the primary cause of his asstasticness) is not a lack of talent but a complete lack of understanding how to position himself. This being the case, C.C. might fall under the same “Ray Rhodes project” label as Jacques Reeves. In any event, I guess I like the idea of giving him a year under a good teacher before kicking him to the proverbial curb.
- ***Ray Rhodes cannot fix Petey Faggins. Jesus himself could not fix Petey Faggins. If Jesus and Durga had a baby and that baby married the current Dali Lama, the spawn of that relationship could not fix Petey Faggins.
- ***Someone emailed me this article from 2001 about Megan Manfull. Pretty boring shit, really; it’s the kind of stuff you would imagine in a fluff piece about “oooh, look, girls can write about sports, too!” What did stand out, however, was one quote from Manfull herself.
‘My mother taught me so much, Megan said. ‘I got started in seventh grade on our junior high newspaper. I thought it was fun, and I’d come home at night and she’d give me her lessons from her high school classes. I learned to put questions together and do interviews. I was the only junior high reporter turning in stories with quotes and sources in them.’
See, kids, this what we call irony. Manfull’s memory of starting in print media was that she was the only one citing sources and using actual quotes and now she is part of a paper where such tactics are again missing. This isn’t so much “funny ha ha” as “funny sad,” I guess.
- ***Finally, in generic NFL news, the league approved a number of rule changes for next year. A couple are common sense stuff–FGs are now reviewable, teams can defer after winning a coin toss–but three could have some actual impact. First, one defensive player is allowed to have a radio in his helmet (aka The Spygate Rule). SOLIS already covered this one. Second, force outs have been eliminated, meaning that player has to land in-bounds for a ball to be complete, regardless of whether he was pushed out by the DB or not. This could be huge–larger, more physical corners will become more valuable; smaller, lighter WRs will be at a disadvantage along the sideline; and jump balls along the sides or in the endzone will become even less likely to be completed. Finally, the five-yard facemask penalty has been removed, meaning that incidental contact is ok, but that any twisting or turning of the head will be 15 yards if flagged. Other than Corky Johnson, our team plays pretty clean and smart on defense, so I think I like this change and that it will–if anything–benefit the guys in Battle Red.
Roughly 75 hours until kickoff
Sep 6, 2007 Chad Stanley, Dunta Robinson, Michigan Wolverines, Ohio State makes baby Jesus cry, Please let the season start soon, Preseason 2007, Preview, Secondary issues are primary, Self-Referential Stuff
Contrary to popular belief (hope? expectation?), I did not end it all after Saturday’s Michigan loss. However, with the younger brother in town until 4AM today, I was otherwise occupied with non-blog-related stuff. Shocking, I know.
Stories I missed between Sunday and today:
- TEP was granted a stay of execution and was placed on IR. He’s like herpes… always lurking, ready to flare up, but currently invisible. Eww.
- Dunta Robinson’s house was robbed.
- The practice squad was finalized. Jared Zabransky (QB), Darius Walker (RB), Harry Williams (WR), Brandon Frye (OT), Mike Brisiel (OG), Deljuan Robinson (DT), Tim Bulman (DT), Brandon Mitchell (S), and imported LB Eduardo Castaneda.
- Scott Jackson made the team and then didn’t make the team. He was released when we brought in Carolina-cast-off Rashad Butler. Given that Jackson was doing his best Jimmy Herndon impression in his extended reps, this can only be viewed as a positive.
- Stephanie ran some Q-and-A with me, Tim, and other people whose
cursehobby it is to write about the Texans.
And, just like that, we are up to speed. Awesome.
Bring out yer dead!
Aug 31, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, Batman, Chocodiles, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Please let the season start soon, Posts that list too many players, Preseason 2007, Preview, Roster, The Fred, The Schaub Experiment
Well… I wasn’t quite as on-the-money as I thought (hoped?) I would be. Kubes announced the dearly departed in today’s press conference. They are:
(# denotes practice squad possibility, ! denotes turd-eating pederasts who no longer wear Battle Red)
Chad Stanley!
Bethel Johnson
Keenan McCardell
Wali Lundy
Jared Zabransky #
Darius Walker #
John Walker #
Tyrone Poole
Dexter McCleon
Jon Abbate #
Drew Hodgdon
Alfred Malone
Matt Brisiel
Brandon Frye #
David Anderson
Victor Degrate #
Brandon Mitchell #
Trent Bray
Deljaun Robinson #
Tim Bulman
Which leaves us with the following roster:
QB: Matt Schaub, Sage Rosenfels
RB: Ahman Green, Ron Dayne, Sam Gado, Vonta Leach, Jameel Cook (boo.)
WR: Andre Johnson, Jacoby Jones, Kevin Walter, Andre Davis, Jerome Mathis,
TE: Owen Daniels, Jeb Putzier, Mark Bruener, Joel Dreessen
OL: Eric Winston, Fred Weary, Jordan Black, Scott Jackson, Chester Pitts, Kasey Studdard, Steve McKinney, Mike Flanagan, Chris White, Ephraim Salaam
DL: Mario Williams, Travis Johnson, , ND Kalu, Amobi Okoye, Anthony Maddox, Jason Babin, Earl Cochran, Anthony Weaver, Jeff Zgonina, Cedric Killings
LB: DeMeco Ryans, Danny Clark, Morlon Greenwood, Charlie Anderson, Shantee Orr, Shawn Barber, Zac Diles
CB: Dunta Robinson, Petey Faggins, Jamar Fletcher, Dexter Wynn, Fred Bennett
S: Jason Simmons, Von Hutchins, Brandon Harrison, C.C. Brown
P: Matt Turk
K: Kris Brown
LS: Brian Pittman
Unless my counting is off, that’s 55, so there are still two more cuts to come. (Eduardo Castaneda does not have to be cut–he will be put on the practice squad automatically and doesn’t count against the number of players we can put on the squad.) I imagine one cut will be either Dreessen or Pittman, as I can’t see carrying two longsnappers, and I am guessing Chris White or Scott Jackson will get the boot.
It blows my mind that McCardell didn’t make this team, but it blows it in a nice, call-you-the-next-day sort of way. When was the last time we could honestly say we had a deep WR corps?
Just another Cowboy on the white powder
Aug 24, 2007 Please let the season start soon, Self-Referential Stuff
At some point last night, DGDB&D got its 20,000th visitor. I’d like to thank all 23 of you who read it for checking so often, from so many computers.
Totally unrelated: Here’s a fun picture of Leon Lett’s graceful 40 foot slide.
Hemingway Pitts
Jul 23, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, Inanity, Offensive (punch)Line, Please let the season start soon
Chester Pitts apparently went to Dubai in the offseason. And, for some reason, he decided to tell us about it in his NFL Player blog.
Trip to Dubai
07/23/07I went to Dubai this offseason. I was out there for about eight days. It was amazing. I have never seen so much construction at one time. The atmosphere out there was very cool. You never would have believed that you were in the Middle East, that’s for sure.
This post comes right on the heels of his last one… dated 8/12/04. That post talked about the move from tackle to guard.
Whoa… easy Chester. At this pace, you are going to quickly run out of things to write about and find yourself pulling inane crap from the internet just to fill space until camp starts.
Filler song
Jul 13, 2007 Batman, Free Agency, Please let the season start soon, Preview
The team announced the signing of five free agents yesterday. WR Harry Williams, CB Jason Horton, G Atlas Herrion, TE Joel Dreessen, and C Chris White.
This is a good thing, in that it means training camp is quickly approaching. (That’s what we call “accentuating the positive.”)
Williams was technically with the Texans last year, though he didn’t play a single snap. He played in one game with the Jets in 2005, but recorded no stats.
Horton was out of football last year after two season in Green Bay where he was a special teamer.
Herrion was with the Texans last year (DNP) and has a really cool name. He’s also got good size (6-4, 305) and played in a real program, so he’s got the most upside here.
Dreessen was out of football last year, but played in 14 games with the Jets in 2005. He racked up 5 catches for 41 yards.
White… see everything I wrote about Williams above, but replace “Jets” with “Packers.”
Of course, I realize that teams aren’t going to find All Pros at this point in the preseason. Hopefully, though, these guys will show up, take a beating for a couple weeks, and provide the guys who are going to be on the team with some decent practice.
