Travis Johnson has an audience with the Pope
Apr 23, 2008 Bad Idea Jeans, Corky Johnson, Fake Conversations with Real People, Huh?, Inanity, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Polygamy, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Gary Kubiak: (on phone) …uh-huh…yep…really, him? OK…no, that’s fine…I just didn’t…I didn’t know he was Catholic…I’ll tell him. (hangs up, dials Travis Johnson’s cell phone)
Travis Johnson: (singing) And IiiiIiiiiIiiiiiIIIIIIiiiiieieeeee, will always LOVE youuuuuuuuuu, IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuu… (answers phone) ‘Sup, coach?
Kubiak: Hey, Trav. How’s it going? I just got a call from the strangest person.
Johnson: You mean someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese? That’s not so weird; I get that all the time.
Kubiak: (sighing) No, Travis…not someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese. I have no idea–nevermind. Anyway, I got a call from the Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate.
Johnson: The fuck is an oblate?
Kubiak: You know, the people who provide priests for your church here in Houston? Shit…ANYWAY, it seems that the Pope is in the U.S. and he wants to invite you to have an audience with him. This is quite an honor, Trav, and–quite frankly–I am petrified that you will do something monumentally stupid and turn every Mexican in Texas against us. Please don’t fuck this up. Please?
Johnson: Shit, baby…it’s all to the good. I loves me some Pope.
(later that evening, in the rectory of St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Houston)
Johnson: Hi, Mr. Pope. Nice hat, dawg.
Pope Benedict: Hello, Travis. God bless you.
Johnson: So, what’s up, man? What’s good? What’s the word? (does elaborate, thirty-eight step handshake, points to the sky)
Pope: (looking startled) I…I…well, it is certainly wonderful to meet you, Travis. Father McHale tells me that you are setting a wonderful example for Catholic youth in Texas. He says that you–
Johnson: Oh, hell yeah, dawg! I be doin’ all sorts of shit fo’ the little kiddies. Why, just the other day, I took ten kids to the Mall to let them watch me buy some shoes.
Pope: I’m sorry? Do you mean you bought them shoes?
Johnson: Shit, no, man. I bought ME some shoes and I told them, “y’all practice hard and, someday, you’ll be able to afford all these shoes fo’ yo’ damn selves.” They were feelin’ me.
Pope: (looks slightly frightened and confused) You…bought yourself shoes…I…I don’t know what to say.
Johnson: I know, right?! Shit was great, dog!
Pope: (suddenly rethinking the entire meeting, changes subject) Tell me, son, is there a prayer you would like to say with me?
Johnson: Nah, dawg. I’m good.
Pope: Well, perhaps there is something you’d like blessed?
Johnson: Wait…whatchu sayin’? That you can give, like, super Jesus powers to something?
Pope: Not exactly, my son, but I can bless you or someone you love.
Johnson: Fo’ real?
Pope: Yes.
Johnson: Fo’ really real?
Pope: (sighing) Yes.
Johnson: Awwwww, SNAP! (unzips pants) Bless this, Pope.
Pope: What?!!
Johnson: Look, here’s the deal. I gots these two dudes on my team–Will Demps and, uh, this other Ivy League brotha we just signed–and they are both packin’ some SERIOUS dick, Pope. And, to make matters worse, they are both pulling more ass than a Texas Mormon, ya dig? So, I’s thinkin’ that, if you blessed my little Osceola, I could use my Jesus Dong to compete with those two.
Pope: (aghast)
Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope)
Pope: (frightened)
Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope.) Man, you gonna sit there slack-jawed like some motherfuckin’ Trent Green or you gonna holify my shit?
Pope: (looks for nearest exit, making blessing motion in Travis’ general direction) Ego contemno meus vita.
Johnson: (zipping up pants) Now THAT’S what I be talkin’ about, ya heard! 20 minutes ago, I had a lot of respect for the Pope. Now, I’m all like, HELLZ YEAH, THE POPE IS THE SHIZZNIT, BABY!!!! Vatican City in the house! Florida State in the house! My holy dick in the house!!!
Pope: (scurries out the side door)
Travis: (yelling after him) Yo, dawg, I’ma give my cell number to that dude out front in the big red hat! Holla at a playa if you are back in town! Tell Jesus I said what’s up!
