On the strong side
Nov 7, 2008 Bad Idea Jeans, Chaun, Chocodiles, Fire Richard Smith, Football 101, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Rendhel and Sid, The X Factor
Since Zac Diles kicked his own ass and will miss the rest of the season, there has been some speculation as to who will play SLB as well as who should play SLB. Oddly enough, however, the one name that keeps popping up is Xavier Adibi. I say “oddly” because it seems that no one has stopped to think what a horrifically bad idea this would be.
First, some background on the strongside LB position. (Feel free to skip)
In a traditional 4-31, the strongside linebacker is going to be your biggest, strongest linebacker. This makes a ton of sense if you think about it, as he is almost always going to have to fight through a TE or FB block to make a tackle on a D-gap running play. On most plays, however, he is going to jam the TE, and then either pick up TE coverage or maintain containment depending on the D called. When he does stick his nose in to tackle a running back, he’s generally going to have to deal with more offensive lineman than the weakside LB because the line will flow to the strong side. If he is doing his job perfectly, he’ll force everything back to the inside (meaning that a perfect SLB, unless he’s playing behind a really bad D-line, is only going to notch 50 or 70 tackles a year).
Look at those reponsibilities again. The standard 4-3 SLB has to be big and strong enough to jam the TE, fight through TE/FB/OT blocks, maintain secondary edge contain (i.e. not get locked up and moved out of the way), and quickly tackle the TE when in coverage.
[Another quick aside: In Richard Smith's "scheme," the SLB doesn't usually have any edge contain responsibilities and is freed up to make some more tackles than a normal SLB would. This is partly by design---because Smith is a moron---and partly because our defensive line isn't exactly the Steel Curtain. But I digress.]
Because of all this, the prototypical SLB is someone like Carlos Emmons or Marcus Washington (both of whom are getting up in years now). Emmons is 6-5/255ish. Washington is 6-3/245ish. Both are large and strong, almost like an undersized DE. Even Zac Diles, who was short for the SLB job at 6-0, weighed 240 lbs.
Xavier Adibi is 6-2/224.2
TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FOUR POUNDS.
Picture for just a moment what would happen if you put a 224 lb man at SLB. Let’s see—blown up by TEs with regularity? Check. Unable to get a good jam at the line? Check. Owned on the edge by FBs and OTs? Check and check. Unable to fight through the blockers and tackle the running back in the backfield? Check. Even worse, can you imagine the strain this puts on Mario (as the best run defender on the line) and DeMeco (for having to clean up Adibi’s mess)? You actually manage to make run defense HARDER for a team that has a crap run defense to begin with. BAD IDEA.
In fact, of all the non-DeMeco LBs on the team, I’d go so far as to say Xavier Adibi (along with Kevis Coley) is the WORST IDEA anyone could consider for SLB. Look:
Chaun Thompson: 6-2/245
Kevin Bentley: 6-0/240
Morlon Greenwood: 6-0/240
Kevis Coley: 6-1/225
My vote? Chaun Thompson. He’s got the size. He’s got the speed and strength, as evidenced by the show he put on at the Combine a few years back. He’s got the speed. Given our limited options, he’d be absolutely perfect for the role.3 Which is precisely why Richard Smith won’t put him there.
Let’s just hope that he doesn’t put Adibi there, either.
1 Though not always in Richard Smith’s ‘tarded version of the same.
2 I don’t buy the 232 that ESPN listed him as. Dude was 220ish all through college and was 224 at the combine. He’s a 220-lber.
3 At least until we draft Brian Orakpo.
Old Five And Dimers Like Me
Aug 11, 2008 2008 Season, 2008 Training Camp, Amobi Okoye is an adult, Big dudes doing the little things, Corky Johnson, Daddy's girl, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, Morlon Greenwood, Okam's Razor, Preseason 2008, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Super Mario
…aaaaand, we’re back!
Back from where, you ask? Well, for the first time since Sophia was born back in February, my wife and I were able to escape for a kidless vacation this past weekend. And how better to spend a romantic weekend than in Houston, eating Mexican food, listening to live music, and watching your Houston JUGGERNAUT in action?
Speaking of live music, if you’ve never seen Billy Joe Shaver in concert, do yourself a favor and make that happen. The man is a living legend (he wrote 90% of Waylon Jennings’ Honkytonk Heroes album as well as songs for the Allman Brothers, Jerry Jeff Walker, and Bobby Bare) and, even better, completely out of his mind. He spent two songs explaining how to throw a punch, one song trying to kick a woman in the head, and at least two songs flapping his arms like he was going to fly. But, regardless, the show was fantastic. And I defy you to show me another 69-year-old performer who comes on at 11PM and plays until well after 1AM.
Other thoughts about the game and the weekend in general:
- First off, huge thanks to Tim and his better half for taking us to the game and just generally showing us a good time around Houston. A+ effort as always.
- A separate thank you to Tim’s dad for giving us the tickets.
- He got close last year, but this is going to be the season that Mario Williams makes all the doubters feel silly. You wouldn’t think he could look appreciably better than he did last year, but you would be wrong. On one play, Mario shoved Ryan Clady (all 325 lbs of him) back about six feet and snared Selvin Young with one hand, bringing the RB down for a two-yard loss. The funny thing was Clady was in proper to position to block Mario—he had his butt low and was squared up correctly—yet Mario just flung him out of the way as if he was nothing.
- DeMeco Ryans is very, very good. This is not news. What is news, however, is that he seems to have found another gear as well, as he was disrupting plays in the backfield with surprising regularity during the first two series.
- Ninfa’s is really, really good. It’s so good, in fact, that every time I eat there, I refuse to eat Mexican food in Little Rock for months afterward.
- Is there some reason Jacques Reeves was giving a five- to seven-yard cushion to the slot WRs? Because I can’t figure out what it would be. I mean, his one asset is speed, right? So shouldn’t he play a little closer, knowing that he can keep up stride-for-stride? Someone needs to answer this.
- Will Demps looks very good in run support. He is one of five Texans who can claim that praise following Sunday’s game.
- Petey Faggins made one tackle where, before I realized it was him, I said “wow…great hit!” Then I felt dirty and started to question my own existence. Thankfully, Faggins then completely lost outside contain on Anthony Aldridge’s run, turning a 4-yard loss into a 19-yard gain. All was immediately right with the world.
- In other news, Petey tackles very well when he is hitting a stopped receiver from the side.
- Contrary to what some random ‘tards will tell you, there is no QB controversy, nor should there be one. Matt Schaub looked fantastic on his first four throws and the timing route he fired to Andre Davis was a throw that (a) Zoolander never could have made and (b) our offense has rarely, if ever, featured before. Schaub threw it to Davis’ back shoulder and the ball was halfway there before Davis ever made his turn. It is obviously something they’ve been working on, though, as Andre knew without a doubt where the ball would be when he broke. Impressive as hell. That throw is also why I think Matt forced the fifth throw into coverage—he’s apparently been working with Davis on a lot of short routes and precision throws and he’s comfortable throwing to Andre regardless of the situation. Was it a bad throw? Of course. It was into triple coverage and David Anderson was open to the left. But it was an understandable early-season mistake.
- Speaking of QBs, Sage Rosenfels did look good, especially on the throw to Anderson. But what apparently doesn’t come across on television (as I haven’t seen anyone talking about it) is that Sage has a serious case of happy feet back there. Oh, sure, he’s nails and he will stay in and keep his eyes downfield, but his footwork is pretty bad. He made that very nice throw to Jacoby Jones, but he was practically dancing in place before he launched it. And I can’t recall him stepping up into the pocket much at all.
- Good news! There was actually a pocket the QBs could have stepped into. I am already prepared to admit that I was wrong on Duane Brown; that kid looked fantastic Saturday night. His footwork was nearly flawless, his technique was solid, and he used his hands very well. Ephraim Salaam just got Wally Pipped, I do believe.
- I am going to tell myself that the injury to Louis Green and the ensuing five-minute delay took the steam out of our drive and that is why they had to settle for a field goal. I am telling myself this and you can’t convince me otherwise.
- Remember not that long ago when Chris pointed out that Ahman Green’s 2007 injury was hardly a fluke—it was a straight-on hit to the knee, which happens to all running backs multiple times per year? Well, you know, AT LEAST IT WAS A HIT!!!! Seriously, you are going to hurt yourself on the VERY FIRST PLAY OF THE YEAR without so much as the defense getting a hand on you? Really? Honestly? I don’t think I am alone in saying that I am fine with the team taking the cap hit and giving Green his walking limping papers.
- Cadillac Bar’s brunch buffet is fan-friggin’-tastic. It is doubly great when you have 5 or 6 mimosas. What’s that, you say? Mimosas are lame? Good sir, the fact that I am allowed to drink alcohol with breakfast without drawing scorn from others is far from lame. Plus, you know…vitamin C. No scurvy for me!
- Was it just me, or did it seem like Morlon Greenwood was trying to make me look like a jerk? I spend two friggin’ weeks defending the guy and arguing that he’s way better than we give him credit for being and…um…wow. He was horrid Saturday night. No one should get owned like that on a Jay Cutler run, yet Morlon did. And he was abused in the short passing game as well. NOT GOOD, MORLON.
- Thanks to Lee, stacy, and grungedave recommending breakfast spots. We tried to go to The Breakfast Klub on Saturday, but the line was around the block.
- The more I think about it, the less problem I have with Jacoby’s second punt return. Granted, he did everything wrong—he ran backward, he changed directions too many times, he waited too long to switch hands—but he also juked past at least five would-be tacklers and, at the moment he fumbled, was about six inches from beating the last guy and taking that punt to the house. No, I don’t want to see him doing that again, but I love that he is still that confident in the return game. That’s the swagger we saw last year until he was destroyed by Hunter Smith. Just hold on to the ball, son!
- Steve Slaton has ridiculous speed, but could get knocked over by a stiff breeze. There were three plays where if he had made a real move or ran with a little more power, he could have made something big happen. On both of the runs, he got arm-tackled by the last possible defender and, on the pass play, he thought he could juke an NFL lineman with nothing more than a head bob. This ain’t Rutgers, man.
- The interior line of the future, aka Amobi Okoye and Frank Okam, really impressed me. Amobi blew up a running play early and seemed to be playing with a better motor than at this point last season. Big Frank annihilated two blockers and blew up a running play of his own late in the game. Frank is still raw, no doubt about that, but he did nothing to lower my expectations of him.
- Why is food so much cheaper in Houston than in Little Rock? I don’t get it.
- Dear Travis Johnson, Please stop diving late into piles just to “prove” that you are playing with intensity. It’s stupid and it is going to cost us yards at some point. In fact, why don’t you do us all a favor and just leave? Love, Matt.
- David Anderson: Helluva game from the worst dancer in the history of the world. I agree with Tim’s assessment, however, that we might have the best receiving corps in the NFL top to bottom. We definitely have one of the fastest.
- I have no opinion on Chris Taylor getting the bulk of the carries. Whether it is to see just we he has to offer or simply to keep the other people healthy, I am fine with it. I would like it, however, if he could actually get 4 or 5 yards/carry in these games. Whatever.
- Zac Diles: A+.
- OH…I almost forgot to mention this, but Kevin Bentley looks…how can I say this…FAT. Not at all what I expected from ol’ LVJ. When he came out for special teams work, he was hopping up and down to loosen up, and you could see a gut jiggling. NOT COOL, Kevin. Do you want to lose the bet? Is that it?!?!
- Did anyone see Antwaun Molden? Because I didn’t notice him at all. Also, could we verify that Tim Bulman and Rosie Colvin were actually at the game?
- And, finally, though I already mentioned it once, it bears repeating that Mario Williams is an absolute man. Be afriad, AFC South. Be very afraid.
I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said, “how do you spell spell ‘Sartre?’”
Jul 8, 2008 Bitchephant, Fake Conversations with Real People, Frank Okam is an evil genius, I ask that you wash it first, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
7:45 PM. Kevin Bentley’s meticulously-appointed, feng shui-friendly loft apartment. Houston, TX.
Kevin Bentley: (doing situps, counting in Mandarin) …shi si, shi wu, shi liu…
(knock at the door)
Bentley: Enter! (resumes situps) …shi qi, shi ba, shi jiu…
Frank Okam: Hello, Kevin.
Bentley: Welcome, Francis. Please, come in and make yourself at home. I shall only be a few more moments. (finishes situps) …er shi. (towels off) What brings you here, Francis? More questions regarding string theory?
Okam: Not tonight, Kevin. No, this eve finds me possessed of a worried mind fettered by dastardly plans.
Bentley: Do tell, young squire. You have piqued my interest most assuredly.
Okam: First, allow me to posit an ontological query. Can one actively pursue the destruction of another without in turn destroying himself? Which is to say, does the driving out of existence one’s enemy have a similarly deleterious effect on one’s own self?
Bentley: Interesting question, Francis. To my way of thinking, when one focuses on his own being qua being, his interactions with others become a necessary rubric for understanding one’s self. That said, those interactions with others only help to cast light upon one’s own being; they are not a condition precedent for being.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: A moment, Francis. (answers phone) Hello….yes…I see…well, have you spoken to your sister about it?…and she is fine with the idea?…I see…no, nothing rough…yes…indeed…I shall see you both in one hour. (hangs up)
(resumes discussion) Thus, the destruction — either literal or merely relative to his current socio-economic status — of one’s enemy does not impact one’s being so much as allow one to see the side of his being which is capable of such malevolence.
Okam: Interesting. So, by that rationale, the capacity to destroy is a characteristic of the destroyer’s being, for better or worse, and does not, in fact, define the being any more than, say, a predilection toward certain cereal brands would?
Bentley: Precisely — so the question is not “will one’s destruction of another bring about one’s own destruction,”
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: Apologies, dear friend. (answers phone) Hello…this is he…the going rate is $500 and hour…yes, that works out to just over $29 per inch per hour…indeed…I can work you in three hours from now…of course…you can make it payable to Lyndon Veins Johnson…yes, see you then. (hangs up)
(resumes discussion) but, rather “can one tolerate the self-reflection that knowing one’s capacity to destroy provides?” Now, obviously, if the answer to the second query is negative, then it could very well be that, by extension, the decision to destroy the other person might lead to one’s own destruction, but it does not by definition have to lead there.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: Excuse me for just another second or two, Francis. (answers phone) Hello…speaking…I leave the decisions regarding lubricant to you…sure, but that runs slightly more…all cards except Discover…I ask that you wash it first…of course…see you in five hours. (hangs up phone)
(resumes discussion) But now, Francis, with that query answered satisfactorily, I must inquire as to what tipped you off to my wager with William?
Okam: You find me at a loss for response, sir; I am unaware as to any wager with anyone. I was speaking on behalf of my own concerns and issues. Might you elaborate upon this wager?
Bentley: Well, Francis, upon the realization that the female population is not ample enough to sustain both myself and William Demps, he and I entered into an agreement whereby the first one to bed a predetermined target female would win, forcing the other competitor to leave Houston and the Texans organization at once.
Okam: How very fascinating! Yet, I have found myself wondering of late how someone as vapid as William could find constant success with the ladies. Surely this competition is most heavily tilted in your favor!
Bentley: One would certainly think so, but Mr. Demps possesses a certain manner of talking to women that makes him, at times, irresistible to them. He is, if you will, a “cunning linguist.”
Okam: Good show! Well played, indeed!
Bentley: Thank you. I found that aphorism quite humorous as well.
Okam: I assume the target female was chosen for her relative unattainability?
Bentley: Very intuitive, young Francis. The target female is none other than Rhonda Kubiak.
Okam: I imagine my face reveals my utter amazement at your answer!
Bentley: Quite! (laughs, composes self, checks watch) I have greatly enjoyed this conversation, Francis. Now, I hope you don’t think me a boor, but I must excuse myself post haste. For, if I don’t apply the champagne and talcum powder mask to my testicles before engaging in tonight’s activities, I will surely find myself chaffed come the morrow.
(cell phone rings)
Bentley: I shall call you soon, Francis. (answers phone) Hello…
Cracklin’ Rosy
Jun 4, 2008 2008 Season, Chaun, Chocodiles, Colvin, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Super Bowl 2011, Super Mario
Well, that was certainly interesting. And surprisingly informative, really. But, back to what really matters. According to the Boston Globe,
Former Patriots outside linebacker Rosevelt Colvin, now a free agent, is scheduled to visit the Houston Texans today.
I know we have a solid starter at WLB and three guys vying for the title of starting SLB, but I like this move. I like it a lot, actually. Colvin is definitely on the downward slope of his career, but he would bring the kind of veteran leadership (and winning experience) that a young LB corps can always benefit from, as well as being a mentor for Zac Diles as Diles transitions to the outside.
The short article also mentions that Colvin previously met with the Colts. If we can get him on the cheap, I think you’ve got to make this move. Worst case scenario, you cut him loose if he can’t hack it. Best case, though, he gives you a solid backup to Diles (sorry, Kevin) and makes it so Chaun Thompson is more expendable and more able to be used as a pass-rushing DE opposite Mario. Win-win, baby!
OTAs Day 7
May 30, 2008 2008 Season, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Chaun, Gary Kubiak, I really dig my readers, Kevin Bentley, Morlon Greenwood, Posts that list too many players, Preseason 2008, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Vince Young can't read this post, Xman
You must forgive me. All these years being a sports fan has made me more than a little calloused when it comes to quotes during camps. I mean, when was the last time you heard a player say something along the lines of:
“The team is a bunch of assholes. There’s no chemistry at all, and our team is fucked.”
Nope, doesn’t happen. What we do get is the usual:
“Oh, man, it’s been great. I’ve got great coaches. I’ve got great teammates…
Basically, the linebackers are just all a brotherhood. The whole team is a brotherhood but the linebackers especially, we’re real tight, real close, and if anybody needs help on anything, we’re always there to help each other out.”
Awwwww, isn’t that sweet? The quote is courtesy of Chaun Thompson, one of our off-season additions (quotes courtesy HoustonTexans.com).
But, wait a minute, is this a little nugget right here?
(on if LB Chaun Thompson will work with the defensive line) “Yeah, once we get going in camp, he’ll go down with (defensive line coach) Jethro (Franklin) and (senior defensive assistant) Frank (Bush) to work on some pass-rush skills and those types of things. He shows the ability to do that, but the thing we don’t want to do is hurt him at linebacker because he’s very competitive in our situation at linebacker right now and I don’t want to take away from that.” - Gary Kubiak, again from HoustonTexans.com
When you consider the depth we have at linebacker - DeMonster, Morlon Greenwood, and Zac Diles as starters with Xavier Adibi, Kevin Bentley, and one of several including UDFA signee Ben Moffitt (h/t 1Texan) as backups - we have some pretty damn good depth at linebacker. Even if Thompson sees time at LB, it could be in *gasp* blitz packages. There’s one important thing to remember about Thompson: he’s one extremely fast dude. Instead of trying to force his talents into a system like the Browns did, it looks like the hometown heroes signed him because he fits our system.
And, frankly, anything that keeps Anthony Weaver off the field until he proves he can collect a single sack is a good thing.
Finally, we all know I’m a University of Texas grad and still live in Austin, right? OK, well…
Vince Young a couple of days ago:
I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.
Vince Young yesterday (h/t Eric):
“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I ain’t never said I was going to quit football,” Young said. “There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, but football is not hard to me. Football is easy. All you have to do is be coachable and use your God-given talent. If it was a thought at all it was just a passing thought for a second.”
You know, I really have no problem with what Ricky Williams did. Hell, if I could get stoned and travel the world instead of working, I would do that in a second. But Vince? Yeah, just, wow.
Bentleysutra
May 7, 2008 Bitchephant, Blasphemy, Fake Conversations with Real People, Kevin Bentley, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Rendhel and Sid, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Will Demps: Man…this is some shit. How the fuck is Will Demps supposed to win this competition? Will Demps has to think of something.
(thinks of himself, naked on a bearskin rug, making love to a woman who looks like him)
No, no…Will Demps has to think of something different.
(thinks of himself masturbating to the thought of himself masturbating)
Goddamnit. There has to be a way. How can Will Demps get some sweet Rhonda Kubiak nappy and win this bet? Will Demps HAS to win…if only there was, like, a god or something that could just make her fall in love with Will Demps.
(thunder)
(lightning)
(suspicious-smelling smoke)
(peacock scream)
(porn music)
Demps: What in the motherfuck is THAT?!
Kama, Hindu God of Desire: Hello, there, young William.
Demps: The fuck?!
Kama: Young squire, I am Kama, the Hindu god of desire. I am here to help you win this bet.
Demps: Yo, dawg…your skin is, like, green and shit.
Kama: Yes, but that is not important. For, you see–
Demps: And, hold up…that’s not an elephant; that’s a buncha hoes crammed together to LOOK like an elephant!! How in the sweet fuck did you do THAT?!
Kama: My appearance is not important, William. What is important is that I can help you win this bet of which you speak. I am the god of desire and, when I shoot my arrows, I can make people fall in love.
Demps: Like cupid?
Kama: No, not like cupid! Cupid is a faggy little cherub who ripped off my game! Does cupid have a Bitchephant like I do? Does cupid get down with, like, 100 hoes a day? DOES CUPID HAVE A SEX BOOK DERIVED FROM HIS MOTHERFUCKING NAME?!?!
(takes deep breath)
I apologize, William. I should not yell. That is just a rather sensitive subject. I blame Hallmark. ANYWAY…as I was saying, I can help you. All I need is some information and the bet will be yours. Now, who is the target?
Demps: Rhonda Kubiak.
Kama: Easy enough. Hell, getting a 40-year-old white woman with a workaholic husband to fall for you will hardly require any effort at all. I think I shall use one of my weaker arrows, as there is no need to expend a great deal of energy completing such a menial task as this. Say, who are you competing with in this wager of love?
Demps: Kevin.
Kama: Kevin? You mean Kevin Bentley?! Oh, shit, dude…even I can’t compete with that pretty motherfucker. Have you SEEN the dick on him?!? Praise Ganesh!
Demps: Hold up, man! Will Demps can compete! Will Demps just need a little help…
Kama: Fuck that…you’re on your own. Let’s go, Bitchephant!
(disappears to the sounds of Barry White)
Indecent Proposal
Mar 28, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Gary Kubiak, Inanity, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Tempting Fate, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Houston Texans lockerroom, 9:35 pm
Will Demps: (singing to himself) It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl / Christmas…dick in a box / Hannukah…dick in a box / Kwanzaa…dick in a box / Every single holiday, a dick in a box / Over at your parents house, a dick in a box / Mid-day at the grocery store, a dick in a box…
Kevin Bentley: Hello, William.
Demps: Whoa! Will Demps didn’t see you there! Why are you sitting in here with no music on? (turns Justin Timberlake CD on) I’m bringin’ sexy back…
Bentley: I was conjugating irregular Latin verbs from memory, William.
Demps: Conju-what?
Bentley: You know, “sum, erum, ero…” You have no idea what I am talking about do you?
Demps: Will Demps caught his reflection in the mirror and totally stopped listening to you.
Bentley: Anyway, William, much like our last encounter, it is fortuitous that I have again encountered you.
Demps: Speak English, motherfucker. Will Demps doesn’t speak uppity college jibber-jabber.
Bentley: (sighing) Cretin. Like I was saying, it’s good that you are here. Let me preface this by asking a question–you consider yourself quite the ladies’ man, don’t you?
Demps: Does a bear shit in the woods? Will Demps has been in more bush than Crocodile Dundee. Will Demps has plowed more fur fields than John Deere. Will Demps has bon–
Bentley: Christ, I get it! OK, that said, I think you realize that there can be only one, William.
Demps: What kind of Highlander shit are you talking about?
Bentley: This lockerroom–nay, this TOWN–is not big enough for both of us. There are only so many fine young females to go around, you know. So I have come up with a solution…if you have the courage for it.
Demps: Motherfucker, Will Demps has all the courage in the world. Will Demps once let a hungry fat girl go down on him; you have any idea what kind of courage THAT takes?!?
Bentley: Glad to hear it. Here’s the deal–a Contest of Sexual Conquest. Except, rather than sheer numbers, there is only one lady who matters. Bed this prize and you win; I’ll ask to be released so that I can go finish the Great American Novel. But, if I win, you must leave Houston and never return.
Demps: Shiiiiiiiit, holmes. Will Demps has never met some red snapper he couldn’t filet with a quickness.
Bentley: Is that a yes? I rarely have any clue as to what you are saying.
Demps: Fuck yes, it’s a yes. Wait…who’s the Golden Vag?
Bentley: Rhonda.
Demps: Rhonda? Rhonda who, Will Demps don’t kno–WAIT! You mean Rhonda KUBIAK?!?!
Bentley: Indeed, young William. Indeed. You see, I have found that the only prizes worth chasing are the ones that require the most risk. Much like how, once a man has killed another man, mere hunting of dumb animals never satisfies his blood lust again.
Demps: (looking confused)
Bentley: (exasperated) Yes. Rhonda Kubiak. Bed her and you win.
Demps: Will Demps is not so sure this is a great idea…but Will Demps loves him a challenge. Let’s do this. May the best man win.
Bentley: Oh, I shall, William. I shall.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Chaun of the Dead
Mar 19, 2008 2003 Draft, 2008 Season, Big dudes doing the little things, Chaun, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Spin City
Building off of BFD’s last post–or, more accurately, one sentence in the italicized post script to that post–I thought I’d cobble together some information on the newest Texan linebacker, Chaun Thompson. Anyway, the Google pointed me to this series of five articles run by CNNSI.com in the weeks leading up to the 2003 NFL Draft.
It seems that CNNSI decided to follow Thompson through the combine and his pro day, telling the story of the “intriguing” prospect from little-known (in football terms) West Texas A&M. While Thompson was ultimately a second-round pick by the Cleveland Browns, some of the information in these articles is still illuminating. I think. Or maybe I am just looking for column filler.
A native of Mt. Pleasant, Texas, Chaun is comfortable in the warm weather that embraces the Lone Star State.
****
“I really don’t have a preference,” Thompson said of his eventual NFL destination. “Wherever I have to go is OK with me. I just want to be there. Whoever calls, I’m there.
“My mom doesn’t care, either. She just wants me to keep playing. … I love my mom,” he said. “She’s never had nothing; just hand-me-downs.
“I’m just thinking about the opportunity. My mom says not to blow my money, but I’m going to help my mama.”
****
Thompson — a new-age linebacker, complete with size and speed — went man-to-man last week with his fiercest competitor yet. He asked Faith Boyd’s father for his daughter’s hand in marriage. “And you know he had to give me that fatherly talk,” Thompson added. “‘I love my baby, I never harmed my baby … you better not …’
“I was scared,” he admitted, “because when he said ‘you better not’ he was clinching his fists!
“Then he started crying and went inside. … A few minutes later his wife came out asking, ‘What did you do to my husband?’
“I was nervous,” Thompson said, “because they’d never seen him cry. … The Combine was nothing like asking a dad for his daughter’s hand.”
****
“Then I walked in and bench-pressed 225 [pounds] 29 times. I was pumped about that; others didn’t get as many. Those Division I players are just like me; you’ve got to hit the weight room and work hard.”
Despite his impressive workout — his 29 reps at 225 pounds was tied for most among the 12 inside linebackers who participated in the combine drill — Thompson said he remained in awe of his surroundings.
****
A three-year starter at the Division II school, Thompson finished with 104 tackles as a senior and played well in two all-star games.
“All I want — all I can ask for — is that one chance,” Thompson said. “I’m maybe not the greatest, but one team is going to give me a chance. … I’m not going to ask for $17 million after five years; I’ll take a pay cut to get a championship.”
****
“On Dec. 11, an AFC scout saw Chaun at 223 pounds run a 4.44″ in the 40-yard dash, recalls Griffin. “We sent Chaun to San Diego to work out and then he turns up in Indianapolis at 240 pounds and still had his speed.
“It just goes to show that Chaun is willing to work at all costs for this, his dream. He added 20 pounds, kept his speed and he has 34 1/2-inch arms — all of that is what teams find intriguing.”
Like I said, Thompson wound up playing in Cleveland, where he never missed a game in five seasons. He was a starter at SLB in 2004 and 2005, with that 2005 season being his best effort by far (102 tackles, 9 TFL, 5 sacks, 4 QB pressures, 2 FF, 1 FR). He lost the starting gig in 2006, but remained a solid contributor on special teams. Digging around the internets some more, I can’t come up with any particular reason that he lost his starting spot other than Romeo didn’t like him much. That’s fitting, however, because it appears that many, many Browns fans disliked Thompson because he was a second-round pick. I’ve never really understood Browns fans, though. I mean…you know your actual team is in Baltimore, right? Just sayin’.
Anyway, given the incredibly reasonable deal we gave Chaun (2 years, $4MM, $650K guaranteed) and given that his numbers as a starting SLB are as good as anything we’ve had in recent years and given that he is a Texas boy who wanted to come home to be closer to his family, I have to say that this my be my favorite signing of the offseason. Assuming he wins the starting job, I think it’s reasonable to pencil him in for 5-8 sacks, 75 tackles, 2-3 FF, and other numbers in keeping with that. And that is my reasonable, low-ball estimate, because here is the kicker: When he played his best season in Cleveland, he did not have a DeMeco Ryans lining up beside him, freeing him to go after the QB with reckless abandon; and he did not have a Mario Williams in front of him, eating up double teams and creating nice, large gaps for him to blitz through. Maybe I am just doing my usual self-convincing, but I am actually excited about our linebacking corps right now.
Even if he doesn’t win the starting SLB position, either because Kevin Bentley is way better than I imagine or because Zac Diles makes a seamless transition over there, it’s safe to say that Thompson will be a contributor in 2008. He has (as BFD pointed out) the speed and size to be a situational end, which is good because Anthony Weaver apparently died some time in late 2006. He’s a top-notch special teams player. And he can still get reps in nickel packages and as a backup SLB.
As a bonus, he also makes the spelling of Dunta’s name seem slightly less silly.
Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty.
Mar 8, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?, You're the Man Now Dog
Will Demps:(singing to himself) …don’t you wish your girlfriend was HOT like me? Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me…don’tchu dont’chu?…
(cell phone rings) Hello?
Will Demps’ Agent: Will?!
Demps: Yeah, whassup dawg?
Agent: I can’t hear you! Can you turn down the radio?
Demps: WHAT?!
Agent: TURN! DOWN! THE! RADIO!
Demps: Oh, ok. Hold on. (turns down radio) What’s up, man? You got Will Demps signed anywhere?
Agent: Well…sorta.
Demps: What the hell do “sorta” mean? Am I signed or not? Will Demps needs to start working the print advertisers in my new city.
Agent: Well…it…um…seems…that, well, the only people who wanted to sign you for much of anything were the Texans. No one was really interested in a guy who had three-fourths of a good season.
Demps: Oh, that is SO gay!
Agent: (mumbling) You’d know.
Demps: What?
Agent: Nothing. Anyway…there’s something else I need to tell you.
Demps: Whazzat?
Agent: Well, it seems that the Texans also signed Kevin Bentley.
Demps: What the fuck is a Kevin Bentley? Is that a car? Will Demps loves him a fine automobile.
Agent: No, it’s another player.
Demps: What the fuck does Will Demps care about another player. Will Demps only cares about his pretty, pretty self.
Agent: Well…uh…it’s just that Bentley is sort of–
Demps: Will Demps does not have time for this idle chit-chat! (hangs up phone)
[Five hours later, at Zeppelin]
Demps: (entering the club) Will Demps in the HOUSE, ladies! Whassup?! Will Demps, bitches! Will Demps! Who wants to buy Will Demps a drink?!
(gets no response from the ladies) What the fuck? Bitches, I said ‘Will Demps!’ (to random girl) Hey, baby…as sexy as you is, you wanna get down with some Will Demps?
Random Girl: Puh-lease. You know who is here? Kevin Bentley. You ain’t no motherfuckin’ Kevin Bentley, either. Busted ass motherfucker. (walks toward back of club where a throng of women surround Kevin Bentley.)
Bentley: …so, yes, football is my job but Bikram yoga is my passion. (lifting shirt) I think you ladies will agree that it has done wonders for my abs.
(collective swoon by the ladies)
Demps: (shoving to the front of the crowd) Yo, yo, yo…what the FUCK is this? Who the FUCK are you? Oh, damn…nice abs, brotha. (offers handshake) Will Demps, strong safety for the Houston Texans. But you probably already knew that.
Bentley: Actually, I was utterly unaware as to your identity. This is fortuitous, however, as it appears you and I are now colleagues. My name is Kevin Bentley and I, too, am employed by the NFL team located here in the Bayou City.
Demps: Please, Will Demps has no “colleagues.” Will Demps is in a class by himself. Will Demps not only plays football; Will Demps is also a high-sought-after male model. (whips out 8×10 glossy)
Will Demps is a beautiful, beautiful man. Here, let Will Demps autograph this for you.
Bentley: That’s not necessary, my good man. I am also a male model. In fact, during my tenure both at my beloved Northwestern University as well as throughout my NFL career, I have done several print ads. I am told that my combination of good looks, fantastic physique, and high intelligence make me one of the more desirable models in professional sports. Perhaps you saw this picture of me from a few years ago?
Demps: No, Will Demps did not see that picture. Well, let Will Demps tell you something, Kevin. Will Demps is the man in Houston and the man in the lockerroom. You best stay out of my–I mean, out of Will Demps’–way. If you know what’s good for you, that is. You don’t want to have to go up against Will Demps.
Bentley: I’m sorry to hear you say such things, William. You see, I hear words like “beauty” and “handsomness” and “incredibly chiseled features” and for me that’s like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of. I like to let my body of work speak for me, but not define who I am. (bats eyelashes at ladies) I feel like this enlightenment makes me a much better person…and a much better lover.
Demps: (unzipping pants, to ladies) Yeah, well Will Demps believes this fifteen inches of black, throbbing Jesus makes Will Demps a better lover.
Bentley: (unzipping pants, to ladies) Interesting. But I think you ladies will find my seventeen inches of spiritual awakening even more impressive. (to Demps) It seems, dear William, that the irony of this is that your own ego forced you into a competition that you cannot win–which is to say, your own ego has caused itself to be hurt by the very things that drive your ego in the first place.
Demps: (in tears) GodDAMNit, this isn’t fair! It’s not fair! I am the pretty one! This isn’t over…you…big…meany-head!!! (runs away)
Bentley: What an odd fellow. (to ladies) So, which one of you fine Texas hoes wants to get on your knees and kiss President Lyndon Veins Johnson?
