Mr. and Mrs. Glass
Feb 20, 2008 Faggination, Fake Conversations with Real People, Jerome Mathis got hurt reading this, Johnny Fisterbottom, Pro Bowl 2008, Too far?, Tremendous Busts, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
February 15, 2008. Manvel, TX. 10:30PM.
Jerome Mathis: (in car, to himself) Damn. DAMN! I have completely fucked up. Fuck. She is going to be pissed, too. Why the fuck did I let the dogs get out? After the year I had…man…I’m fucked.
(pulls into driveway, goes into house) Erica! Erica?! You here?
Erica Smith: (from upstairs) Yeah, I’m upstairs. Hold on. I’ll be down in a minute.
Mathis: (to self) Fuuuuuck. OK, Jerome. Hold it together. You’re a Pro Bowler; you’ll get a job somewhere. And she loves you for you…y’all having a baby together and shit. OK, here she comes. Stay calm. Don’t get defensive… (to Smith) Hey, baby! How was your day?!
Smith: Motherfucker, how do you think my day was?! I am fucking pregnant. I threw up this morning, then I was tired, then my feet started hurting, then I threw up again, then I had to nap for a while. That’s how MY day was. But that’s not what concerns me right now. What concerns me is whether you talked to McNair about what we talked about last night.
Mathis: Yeah, I did.
Smith: And?!?
Mathis: He said the team wasn’t entirely sure if they were going to bring me back. He said the pit bull incidents really having him questioning whether I have the right kind of character to be a Houston Texan.
Smith: You ignorant motherfucker! I told your stupid ass to chain those dogs up! Did you listen?! Fuck, no, you didn’t listen. You just let those mutts go out and maul some people. Brilliant. Asshole. Did you at least mention that you were a Pro Bowler not that long ago?
Mathis: Yo, you need to ease up off me a little bit. I thought I told you I wasn’t going to put up with that kind of tone anymore.
Smith: Fuck you, jack. Who the fuck do you think you are? Motherfuckin’ Ron O’Neal or somethin’? Talkin’ ’bout I better not talk to you like that.
Mathis: Look, bitch, seriously…I’m not going to put up with much more of this lip.
Smith: Whatchu gonna do, then? You ain’t gonna hit a pregnant woman. Besides…remember what happened last time you tried to pick a fight with me. You want your ass kicked again?
Mathis: Bitch, I told you I had a sinus infection. And I was kinda drunk. You can’t take me in a fair fight and you know it! I’m in the NFL, goddamnit.
Smith: Yeah…that “F” stands for “Fragile As A Motherfucker.”
Mathis: I am leaving before you make me break my foot off in your ass. (turns to leave, pauses, turns back) Hey, where the hell is my phone charger? I need it–my Blackberry is dead.
Smith: Just like your career, apparently.
Mathis: Shut up. Just go get my charger. (shoves Smith)
Smith: Make me, bitch.
Mathis: That’s it. It’s on now! (grabs Smith by the throat) Yeah! You like that?! You like…wait…what the fuck…LET GO OF MY NUTS!!! OW OW OW OW OW!!! FUUUUUCK!!!! (begins weeping)
Smith: Yeah! You think you’re bad?! You ain’t bad! You ain’t shit!! Get the fuck out of my house, bitch! (throws him out the front door, locks it behind him, heads back upstairs)
Will Demps: (from closet) Everything cool.
Smith: Yeah, baby. It’s cool. Come give mama some of the black throbbing Jesus before I call the police on his unemployed ass. I love me some Pro Bowler sex.
DeMeco Ryans > Jesus
Feb 11, 2008 Awesomeness, DeMeco Ryans, Pro Bowl 2008
You wanna know why I love DeMeco Ryans?1 It’s not because he sent me and my son all sorts of autographed stuff, even though he did. It is because he ALWAYS thinks about how he could have done better. And, unlike Travis Johnson, DeMeco plays so well day in and day out that often he is the only person who thinks he could have done better.
Take, for instance, the Pro Bowl.
The Texans’ first-time Pro Bowler and starting middle linebacker for the AFC had two passes defensed and a forced fumble in only the first quarter of Sunday’s game. He added two more tackles and another pass defensed later in the contest. [***]
On the NFC’s first play from scrimmage, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo executed a play-action fake that didn’t fool Ryans, who dropped into coverage and tipped a ball intended for Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald.
Later in the series, Ryans knocked down a pass intended for Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens in the red zone.
Asked about the two early pass breakups, Ryans lamented his missed opportunities.
“I should’ve had two interceptions,” he said. “I’m a little upset about that. I should’ve picked those passes off. I was kicking myself about that one. But it was good to actually put my hands on the ball, but I fell down. I wish I would’ve pulled them in, though.”
That’s right–in a game where nobody even pretends to give a damn, Ryans was upset with himself for not having two INTs. Defensive backs stand around and watch WRs fly past, but Ryans is in coverage on Fitzgerald and is mad he didn’t do more.
My middle linebacker is so much more awesome than your middle linebacker.
1 In a totally NON-gay way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
NFL to Mario Williams: Fuck you.
Jan 24, 2008 2007 Season, Anger, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Pro Bowl 2008, Righteous Indignation, Super Mario, Too soon?
With Jason Taylor injured and skipping out on the Pro Bowl, it seemed as if the gross injustice of Mario Williams being left off the roster was about to rectified. Just like it once seemed that Heath Ledger had a long, distinguished career ahead of him.
Instead, the powers that be have decided that Aaron Schobel will replace Taylor, leaving Mario still on the outside looking in. I will give someone a bright, shiny quarter if he or she can explain to me how Schobel’s 6.5 sack, 95 tackle season makes him a more deserving Pro Bowler than Mario Williams. There’s an extra quarter in it if you can explain it without using “because Schobel went down on Roger Goodell and swallowed.”
Super
Jan 7, 2008 2006 Draft, Awards, Awesomeness, Pro Bowl 2008, Reggie Bush, Super Mario, Vinsanity
So, I’ve been a little lax in my posting of Texans news. Apologies and whatnot.
Lest I be seen as a total slacker, however, allow me to point out that not only was Mario Williams named Defensive Lineman of the Year (up yours, Haynesworth), he also received a vote for Defensive Player of the Year and will likely receive the same number of Offensive Player of the Year votes as Reggie Bush and Vince Young combined.
Who’s the Boom King? Hah! I’m the Boom King!
Dec 19, 2007 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Kris Brown's golden leg, Pro Bowl 2008, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007. 6:45PM EST.
Will Demps: (looking in mirror) Daaaaamn. I look goo-ooo-ood. (yelling into other room) Yo, Casper!
Kris Brown: What?
Demps: Come look at how fuckin’ perfect these eyebrows are. And these waves I got hooked up in my hair. Sheeeeit. You’d do good to take notes, Powder. Bitches love this shit.
Brown: I thought we were just going to Mario’s house for dinner.
Demps: We are, but you still gots to be prepared. You never know when you are going to get bum-rushed by some hoes who are demanding to see the 14 inches of throbbing black Jesus. And besides…I need to look good because I plan on admiring myself in the rearview mirror on the way over.
Twenty-five minutes later, in Will’s car
Car Radio: “…Cribbs and Special Teamer Kassim Osgood round out the AFC Roster.”
Brown: WOW! We are Pro Bowl alternates! That is fantastic!! And, golly, DeMeco is a starter?! This is great!!
Demps: (turns off radio, grips steering wheel tightly) Oh, HELL no! This ain’t “great,” gabacho. This is some BULLSHIT! How the fuck they gonna leave Smoove Will off the motherfuckin’ roster?!
Brown: Well, I mean, you weren’t even on our roster in week one.
Demps: The fuck does that matter?! This thing ain’t nothin’ but a popularity contest. And who is more popular than Smoove Will D? WHO?! Bob Sanders? Cracker, please! Bob Sanders is a little midget and I guarantee he didn’t get 15,000 hits to his website last week. Ed Reed? Man, fuck him. He ever had Beyonce ask him to be in a video? Hell to da naw, dawg!
Brown: That’s not really what they are voting on. It’s abo–
Demps: Well it should be! They want to increase exposure, right? Appeal to more demographics? Then put Will in the game, baby! Every woman in America will be watching. It ain’t like Troy Polamalu has women text-messaging him, asking to let them bounce quarters off his ass while they feed him grapes! Well, maybe some Samoan bitches, but that’s it. Will appeals to all women, including them big-ass Samoan hoes.
Brown: But Mario didn’t even make it, and he’s having a great year. If anyone should complain, it’s him.
Demps: That’s what I am saying, Miss Lilly! This ain’t nothing but a popularity contest, but somehow they forgot about Will! I mean, yeah, Mario has 13 sacks and shit like that, but he ain’t pretty. Will done brought sexy back so long ago that sexy is old school now.
Brown: I honestly have no idea what you are talking about.
Demps: Let me break it down for you, real simple like. You know how every television news station has a token hot skank that does the weather?
Brown: Yeah…
Demps: Well that’s me.
Brown: You are a skanky weather girl?
Demps: No, you simple corn-fed motherfucker. I am the pretty piece of ass that would make the Pro Bowl worth watching, just like the skanky weather girl does for the 6 o’clock news. But the NFL and the powers-that-be refuse to put this fine mocha-colored Adonis to his highest, best use. And that’s a damn shame, Beaver Cleaver. A goddamned shame. There’s really only one thing I can do to get rid of this anger.
Brown: Drown in some stripper poon?
Demps: Word. Now you’re gettin’ it, Opie!
Eeez boolshit! Should be same rules for everyone!
Dec 19, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Amobi Okoye is 20, DeMeco Ryans, Posts that list too many players, Pro Bowl 2008, Righteous Indignation, Stats, Super Mario
First off, congratulations to uber-stud, blog namesake, and all-around awesome guy DeMeco Ryans for being named STARTING MLB for the 2008 AFC Pro Bowl team. Well done, DR.
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me just say that IN NO UNIVERSE THAT MAKES ANY SENSE SHOULD KYLE VANDEN BOSCH BE ON THE ROSTER OVER MARIO WILLIAMS. Consider:
Mario Williams–14 G, 13 Sacks (2d in NFL (1st in AFC), 2d among DEs), 53 tackles, 2 FF, 1 FR, 1 TD
Kyle Vanden Bosch–13G, 9 Sacks (T-16th in NFL, 5th among DEs), 48 tackles, 3 FF
Still not convinced? Well, consider further that, in the three games Albert Haynesworth was out, KVB was pretty much a non-factor, notching 10 total tackles and only one sack. On the other hand, Mario has been the focal point of opposing offensive lines week-in and week-out. He has dominated regardless of whether he was lined up beside ND Kalu, Travis Johnson, Jeff Zgonina, Anthony Maddox, or Amobi Okoye. Hell, look at Amobi’s sacks–all of them have come when Mario has been on the field and on all but one of them, Williams was getting visibly gang-raped while Okoye blew past his single blocker. Granted, it’s generally a hard statement to prove, but I think most anyone would agree that Mario has made that entire line better.
Don’t get me wrong–Vanden Bosch is a great player and I would trade a kidney to have him lined up opposite Mario. He just did not deserve to make this team over Mario. You want to split hairs between him and Jason Taylor, by all means, be my guest , but don’t pretend like Mario hasn’t had a better year and hasn’t meant more to his team on every single snap that KVB has.
The part about this whole thing that really chaps my ass is that I get a sneaking feeling that Mario’s omission has a lot to do with bias against him that has carried over from last year. That and the fact that most people voted before they got to see him violate Jay Cutler on national television, as the Texans get about as much national coverage as the Tiffin University Equestrian team does. (Go Dragons!) Yes, yes…he’s been named an “alternate.” Big deal. Will Demps is an alternate. Are you telling me that Will Demps and Mario Williams are having seasons similar in quality at their respective positions? Because, if you are telling me that, we can no longer be friends. In fact, mom says you need to go home.
Son. Of. A. Bitch.
Dec 18, 2007 Anger, Awesomeness, DeMeco Ryans, Pro Bowl 2008, Super Mario
The good news: DeMeco Ryans is the STARTING Pro Bowl MLB.
The shitty news: Mario Williams is not on the roster. Goddamnit.
UPDATE: As noted by Triple347–which, by the way, works out to 1,041–Mario Williams, Smoove Will Demps, and Kris Brown were all named as alternates to the roster. That’s nice, I guess. More on the stupidity of this later.
Also, I plan on taking full credit for DeMeco getting enough votes to be a starter, as I was the one with the link on the main page of my blog. So there. I did this. Me. Not you.
Nine Eleven Cowboys?! I’m sure McClain is happy orgasmic.
Dec 18, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Athletes who don't stab people, DeMeco Ryans, Fuck the Cowboys, Houston Chronicle, Pro Bowl 2008, Super Mario
Just a reminder: Pro Bowl rosters are announced today at 3PM (CST) on the NFL Network. If DeMeco and Mario are omitted, someone dies.
(Also, Teddy Bruschi? Seriously? And Dwight Freeney? Boy…online fan voting is a GREAT idea. )
Reminder
Dec 7, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Athletes who don't stab people, Awesomeness, DeMeco Ryans, Pro Bowl 2008
This is the last week of voting for the 2008 Pro Bowl. If you are just sitting around, playing on the internets, why not click here and vote for DeMeco (and any other Texans you care to vote for) as many times as possible?
He’d do it for you. You know, if you were anywhere near good enough to be playing in the NFL.
“Down the road a-ways,” I’ve heard said, “a new day’s comin’ on.”
Dec 2, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Draft, 2007 Season, 2008 Draft, Andre Johnson, Batman, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Pro Bowl 2008, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Ron Dayne likes pie, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario, The Schaub Experiment
I’m not really sure where to start. I actually felt ill watching the second half unfold. For everything that went right–Mario Williams, DeMeco Ryans, Andre Johnson–it seemed like just as many if not more went wrong–season-crippling injuries, poor special teams, poor run defense, continual mental mistakes.
One could easily argue that this game was a microcosm of our entire season, so let’s approach the recap that way.
The continued development of Mario Williams. The continued, Fox-News-like insistence of Richard Justice aside, most people agree that Mario has progressed well in his first full healthy season. After notching three sacks in his first seven games, Super Mario scored three in the past four games prior to today. So, all he does today is come in, put up a new personal single game high two and a half sacks (one was a gimme), and break the franchise single-season sack record. He is currently two sacks away from the franchise career record of 15 (Kylie Wong).
The continued excellence of DeMeco Ryans. His 14 total tackles today–a season high–pushed him over 100 for the season and gave him three straight games (and five total games this season) with at least 10 total tackles. Week in, week out, the one consistent thing about this team is DeMeco. If he doesn’t make the Pro Bowl this season, it will be a complete traveshamockery.
The continued demonstration of how much Andre Johnson means to this offense. This doesn’t need much explanation. Basically, Andre gives us a WR who, when healthy, is almost always good for 8-10 catches, 110+ yards, and a TD or two. More importantly, though, is that he catches nearly every ball thrown at him, regardless of how good a pass it really was. He is so good that I was actually shocked when he didn’t haul in the pass from Sage Rosenfels down around the ten yard line, despite the fact that catching it would have required him to stop on a dime, spin back 180 degrees, and snag a ball that was thrown at his back shoulder.
The continued enigma that is Ron Dayne. Don’t look at me; I’m as confused as you. In the first eight games of the year, Dayne played in six. Of those, only once did he crack three yards/carry. His single game high during that stretch was 62 yards. Since then, however, he’s been nothing short of, um, well above average. He’s been over four yards/carry every game, and he’s put up 122, 89, 78, and 86 yards respectively. Just when it was concede by nearly everyone involved in football that we had no running game whatsoever, the Dayne Trayne got on track and proved nearly everyone wrong. Perhaps the strangest thing about this, though, is that I still have no desire to go into next season with Ron Dayne occupying a prominent role in this offense.
The continued inability to beat the Tennessee Titans. 10-2. That’s the all-time record between the Titans the Texans. We have been beaten by Steve McNair six times, Vince Young three times, and Kerry Collins once. We have not beaten them since 2004, when we inexplicably beat them twice. It does not seem to matter who is under center for them or for us. It doesn’t matter how well or poorly we play. It doesn’t even matter how late in the game we manage to hold a lead. It defies explanation, yet somehow it defines much of the past 5-plus seasons. And now, it’s cost me two bottles of Jagermeister. Good times.
The continued plague of injuries. OK, now it’s just getting ridiculous. We can add Fred Weary (broken leg) and Chris White (injured MCL) to this list of players lost for the year, raising that total to 15. And that doesn’t even count Ahman Green, who has yet to finish a single game; or Matt Schaub, who has been knocked from games more than once and who might now be lost for the year with a dislocated shoulder; or Andre Johnson, who missed eight of our 12 games with a completely avoidable injury; or any of the myriad other players who have been listed as “questionable” or worse this season.
The continued sieve that passes as run defense. The 153 yards allowed to the Titans today was even worse than the 119 yards/game average we allowed coming in. In fact, we went from 22nd in the league to 25th in rushing yards allowed/game based on today’s (lack of) performance. In fact, this probably deserves its own post at some point.
The continued struggles on special teams. Early in the year, there were issues with Kris Brown (see, e.g., the Atlanta game). Then, we had issues with kickoff returns while Jacoby Jones was out (see, e.g., the first Titans game, when Andre Davis decided that kicks 9 yards deep in the end zone were still worth bringing out). Then, it was Matt Turk channeling Chad Stanley (see, e.g., the San Diego game). Today, it was Jacoby deciding that fair catches were for girls…until he muffed one that effectively ended our chances at winning the game. Oh, and let’s not forget the stupid holding penalty that negated our own recovery of a Tennessee muff (which sounds dirty, but isn’t). He’s not Richard Smith-level bad, but special teams coach Joe Marciano isn’t exactly doing a bang-up job.
The continued mental mistakes of both players and coaches. Sage Rosenfels‘ curious decision to run back toward the middle of the field at the end of the game, Richard Smith’s wussified decision not to blitz near the end of the game despite being shown repeatedly that the blitz was working while the “rush three” defense was being eaten alive (on the big completion to Eric Moulds, for example), Jacoby Merkel’s aforementioned boner, Kubiak’s odd insistence about making Vonta Leach an integral part of the running and passing game, and so on and so forth. Is it possible to get through one game–just one–where we aren’t left scratching our heads at the decision-making?
Today’s loss was just another dose of variations on any number of themes. Unfortunately, it is also the end of any realistic chance of a playoff appearance. Now, the more cynical among us might say that the playoffs were never an attainable goal this season. While that is debatable, what is not arguable is that the games are always more meaningful when you can delude yourself into thinking January football is a possibility. Without that, all we have is another year of draft talk in December.
I don’t want to be all doom and gloom. Certainly, we have pieces in place that should lead to a successful 2008 and beyond. This team is sitting in a better position than any version of the Texans that we’ve seen. We know what works on this team and, just as importantly, we know what doesn’t. Still, right now (and until I am sufficiently un-angered), I can’t help but say it over and over in my head. “Same old, same old.”
A Pre-cap of All the Stories You’ll Read About Sean Taylor in the Next Week
Nov 27, 2007 2003 Draft, Colts Shmolts, Damn it, Fatty Starbucks, National Media, Non-Texan stuff, Pro Bowl 2008
By now, everyone has heard about the murder of Sean Taylor. While this event is completely out of left field, the media coverage of it will not be. Thus, I present the following NOT to make light of Taylor’s death–I honestly do feel bad for his family and friends–but to make light of the preposterously predictable nature of the media. If, in so doing, I seem slightly insensitive, I apologize. Still, you know DGDB&D well enough to know there are no sacred cows.
“This is a tragedy that really puts the non-importance of football into perspective.” by Mike Lupica
“Taylor’s death shows us how quickly everything can be taken away.” by Peter King
“This is a logical conclusion to the embracing of the “hip hop” lifestyle.” by Skip Bayless
“How does Taylor’s death affect Tony Romo’s love life?” by Matt Mosely
“If this were Pacman Jones, you could blame it on the “hip hop” lifestyle, but Sean Taylor was not a part of that. He had left the bad boy image behind.” by Jeffrey Chadiha
“This is racial. People would be screaming for the killer to be brought to justice if this were Brett Favre.” by Jason Whitlock
“Sean Taylor’s murder is not unlike the death of INSERT FAMOUS ATHLETE HERE.” by Bill Simmons
“The Redskins are dedicating the remainder of their season to Taylor, but where do they go from here?” by Jason La Canfora
“This shows the foresight in Roger Goodell’s zero-tolerance policy, but he needs to be more strict and ban for life any player within 20 yards of a crime.” by Rick Reilly
“Would Sean Taylor have been a Hall of Famer if this didn’t happen?” by Football Outsiders
“It should have been you, Peyton Manning.” by Matt Campbell
An election!? That’s one of those deals where they close the bars, isn’t it?
Oct 17, 2007 2007 Season, Athletes who don't stab people, DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, Kris Brown's golden leg, Matt Turk rules, Pro Bowl 2008, Super Mario
A person could make the argument that a number of Texans are worthy of Pro Bowl votes. Matt Turk comes to mind, as do Dunta Robinson, Kris Brown, Vonta Leach, and both of the busts on the defensive line. A vote for any or all of them would be rational and not simply chalked up to blind homerism.
That said, the most worthy of our players is none other than this blog’s namesake, DeMeco Ryans. Currently tied for second in the NFL in solo tackles, Ryans is the unquestioned leader of the Texans defense and has gotten so good so quickly that he routinely makes the extraordinary look ordinary.
Therefore, it is the goal of this blog to GET DEMECO RYANS ELECTED TO THE 2008 PRO BOWL! He (and I) can’t do it without you, though. Click that link. Vote early, vote often. Vote DeMeco!
Note: When filling out the ballot, if you are pressed for time, you can click and go directly to inside linebackers, vote for Ryans, and click submit without voting for any other positions. Or you can just fill out the whole thing, though I would suggest only voting for one AFC Inside LB (Ryans) instead of two, just to prevent other candidates from picking up extra votes.
Seriously, go vote. It’s your civic duty.
This message paid for by DeMeco Ryans For Pro Bowl, Matt Campbell treasurer
