If I am curt with you, it is because time is of the essence.
Oct 15, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Fire Richard Smith, Guest Posts, Pulp Fiction
Continuing today’s theme of “Let Other People Do My Job For Me,” here’s a guest post from Will the Thrill. As an aside, if you combine fake conversations, the Texans, and Pulp Fiction, it’s damn near impossible to not get your stuff posted here. –Matt
[Gary Kubiak and Richard Smith are standing in Bob McNair's office]
Kubes: God damn Bob, did you see that Mario Williams got two sacks again today?! That’s some serious pass rush shit. Hell, me and Richard here would have settled for hell, just a few quarterback pressures. And he springs this serious Pro Bowl DE shit on us…what college did he come from?
Bob: Knock it off Kubes. I don’t need you to tell me how good Mario Williams is, okay? I’m the one who pays him; I know how good he is. When Casserly drafted, he drafted shit. I got him to draft a real fucking pass rusher, because when he plays I want him to sack the quarterback. But you know what’s on my mind right now? It ain’t my soon to be All-World defensive end, Mario Williams. It’s the other fucking losers in my stadium.
Kubes: Oh, Bob, don’t even worry about it….
Bob: N-nnnn-nu no. I don’t want to think about anything. When you and Richard came pulling in here from Denver, did you notice a sign up in front of my stadium that said “Fucking Losers Play Here?”
Kubes: Bob, you know I didn’t see no shit….
Bob (a little louder): DID YOU SEE A SIGN IN FRONT OF MY STADIUM THAT SAID “FUCKING LOSERS PLAY HERE?!”
Kubes: No, I didn’t.
Bob: You know why you didn’t see that sign?
Kubes: Why?
Bob: BECAUSE IT AIN’T THERE BECAUSE HAVING FUCKING LOSERS PLAY FOR ME AIN’T MY FUCKING BUSINESS, that’s why!
Kubes: Bob, we ain’t going to lose all the time…
Bob: N-nnnn-nu nuh…Don’t you fucking realize that if we keep losing, that fucking Charlie Casserly is going to sit there in his analyst chair and say how HE wasn’t the fucking problem? We’re in our third season and you know what they’re going to call us? Fucking losers. Not up and coming, not on the verge, fucking losers. And I don’t want to be called a fucking loser. (calms down a little) You know Kubes, I want to help you. I like you, help progress your career a little. But I don’t want to be called a loser doing it, alright?
Kubes: Bob, Bob, they ain’t gonna call us lose–
Bob: DON’T FUCKING “BOB” ME KUBES! OKAY?! Don’t fucking “Bob” me. There’s nothing you’re going to say that’s going to make me forget I bought this team to win, is there? Look, you know we got 11 games left to play, okay? A few home games, a few road games. You gotta make some phone calls, you gotta make some personnel adjustments, you gotta hire or fire some coaches, well then DO IT. All we gotta do is win eight more fucking games to keep from being “officially” losers.
Kubes: It’s Kool and The Gang. We don’t want to fuck your shit up. All I’m going to do is call my people, talk to my team, we’ll bring this in, that’s all.
Bob: You don’t want to fuck my shit up?! You’re fucking my shit up right now! You’re going to fuck my shit up big time if Casserly calls us losers. Now there’s a phone down in your office, a mulimillion dollar practice bubble down there, I suggest you get to it.
Kickoff - “Let’s Turn The Focus From Manrape” Edition
Oct 9, 2008 2006 Draft, 2008 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Boobies, H/T Eric, Pulp Fiction, Super Mario, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Did I really defend his signing last year? Guh. Yahoo! Sports has a short article on teams that are completely out of contention and which players they should be trying to unload onto other teams. Their take on Houston:
Even though the Houston Texans are 0-4, many observe[r]s believe they will rebound and play well. Furthermore, the Texans don’t have many players who should just be dumped, aside from running back Ahman Green.
“And I would only take Green if I was truly desperate,” one of the executive said. “Thank God I’m not in that situation.”
Yes, Jesus loves meeeee…. The Texans’ Cheerleaders have unveiled their new calendar and Erica will grace the cover. I’d like to grace her cover. And by “grace” I mean…well, you get it.
Vaya con dios, rookie turd. Jake Long had better pray to the god of his choosing, as the plan on Sunday is (apparently) to let him try and block Mario solo when Mario is on that side. This plan has the potential to make Trent Green’s 2007 head injury look like a hangnail. (Side note: Why is everyone who doesn’t follow the Texans oblivious to the fact that Mario moves around and does not play RDE all day long? Does no one ever watch tape? Seriously?)
Finally. More Erica.
This shit is between you, me, and Mr. Soon-To-Be-Livin’-The-Rest-Of-His-Short-Ass-Life-In-Agonizing-Pain Rapist here.
Oct 8, 2008 2008 Season, Anger, Awfulness, Colts Shmolts, Disturbing (yet accurate) Metaphors, Pulp Fiction, Rosie Rosenfels
I spent Sunday nursing what was either a flu bug, the mother of all hangovers, or a combination of the two. Which meant that I didn’t even bother to open my eyes until the alarm clock went off at 11:30 AM. I turned to the appropriate Sunday Ticket channel just in time to see Sage Rosenfels warming up spliced with shots of Matt Schaub standing on the sideline, looking dejected.
“The fuck?” I thought. Thankfully, a Gumbel was on hand to tell me that, yes, Sage was starting because Matt was battling an “intestinal infection,” which we all know is a euphemism for “the shits.” (As an aside, is there a better excuse for skipping work than “I have diarrhea?” It’s common enough that no one doubts you and it’s vile enough that no one wants details or even wants you to come to work. But I digress.)
You know the story by now, of course. The Colts scored early. Then, for roughly 50 minutes of game time, we dominated the dogshit out of them. Judging by the Colts’ collective reactions on the sidelines, they were a ball-gagged Marsellus Wallace and we were Zed. Hell, if you listened carefully, you could actually hear The Revels’ “Comanche” playing in the background as Super Steve Slaton notched his second TD of the day.
Little did we know that the role of Butch Coolidge was to be played by none other than Sage fucking Rosenfels.
Lest ye think I am torturing this metaphor a little too much, consider:
**Butch gets free, knocks out the gimp, and things begin unraveling for Zed even though he has no idea at the time. This is right when Sage gets free and starts pointing out blocks as if he were Steve Young.
**Butch decides against saving himself and, instead, picks a weapon to go rescue Marsellus. This is Sage forgoing the “save yourself” route of sliding and, instead, going into helicopter mode. (Bonus metaphor goodness: Butch used a sword, Helicopters have blades! Yay, me!)
**Butch goes into the rape-a-torium, surprises Maynard, and kills him. You immediately see abject fear in Zed’s eyes. Obviously, this is Sage’s fumble and Gary Brackett’s return. The fear in Zed’s eyes was mirrored on the Texans’ sideline as well as on the face of every Texans fan.
**Butch taunts Zed with the sword, daring him to reach for his pistol and looking for an opening to kill him. On the Texans’ next possession, Sage rolls to his left again, dangling the ball in his right hand and gesticulating wildly with his left.
**Marsellus tells Butch to step aside, racks the shotgun in slow motion. Sage is tracked down from behind and has the ball stripped by Robert Mathis.
**Marsellus blows Zed’s dick off. Manning to Reggie Wayne over the unturned head of Jacques Reeves.
**When Butch asks “what now,” while still holding a weapon, Marsellus replies: “What now? Let me tell you what now. I’ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin’ niggers who’ll go to work on the holmes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin’, hillbilly boy!? I ain’t through with you by a damn sight. I’ma get medieval on your ass.” Sage asks what now, throws a final INT, and leaves us to be tortured with the football equivalent of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch—the victory kneel-down in a close game.
And there ya have it.
I’m not totally sure what the lesson is in all of this, since Butch gets away and gets a new motorcycle chopper out of the deal, but I know this: If Matt Schaub had played the role of Butch, we probably don’t get our collective dick blown off. I’m just sayin’.
A dog’s got personality. Personality goes a long way.
Mar 11, 2008 2004 Draft, 2006 Draft, 2007 Draft, 2008 Combine, 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Amobi Okoye is 20, Corky Johnson, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Huh?, Jason Babin, Morlon Greenwood, Posts that list too many players, Pulp Fiction, Rendhel and Sid, Teams that aren't the Texans
It is not much of an exaggeration to say that I have seen Pulp Fiction at least 500 times. My freshman-year roommate had a copy (VHS, baby!) stolen from Blockbuster, which we watched almost daily for that entire year, and I’ve continued to watch it more frequently than any other movie over the past decade. I am reasonably sure this says something about me, but I’m not sure what it is.1
Anyway…I mention this as background because, by this point, you’d think nothing could surprise me in that film. You’d be wrong.
So, here’s the deal. When the guy who looks somewhat like Jerry Seinfeld comes out of the bathroom and shoots at Vince and Jules, why in the hell did he have that gun in the bathroom with him in the first place?
Hear me out–clearly, Brett and “Flock of Seagulls” were not expecting Marsellus’ guys to show up at that instant, as they were enjoying Big Kahuna Burgers2 and just otherwise chilling. Seagulls was lying on the couch and, one assumes, did not have a gun within easy reach. Brett, likewise, was seemingly unarmed. The look of terror on both of their faces suggests that, had they been expecting a visit from Jules and Vince, they would certainly have been armed and ready to shoot for their lives. I mean, Brett seems to know from the moment Marvin opens the door that he is probably going to die. If you had ripped off a crime kingpin and were expecting hitmen to show up and kill you, would you be more likely to sit and eat burgers or arm yourself and prepare to shoot back?
Besides, on top of the surprise factor, you have the size of the gun. It was, as Vincent pointed out, “a goddamned hand cannon.” Such a gun is not the type that someone would have cavalierly tucked in his waistband, nor was he wearing a holster. So basically, logic dictates that he either picked up the gun and carried into the bathroom or the gun was already in the bathroom. Neither of these situations really makes sense to me. On the one hand, if Brett and Seagulls were not expecting Vince and Jules to arrive, there’s no reason to think Guy in Bathroom would have suspected it enough to carry a large handgun into the crapper. Likewise, I can see no reason why that gun would already be in the bathroom considering the people out in the living room did not have guns within easy reach.
By now, you are probably thinking “what the hell does this have to do with football?” Simple: I had been blindly accepting the situation as it was presented to me, when I should have been considering the context. Because, once you consider the context, some things that seem to make sense really don’t.3
Which brings me (finally) to the draft.
Over the past days and weeks, many people have come to grips with the idea that the Texans are probably taking a CB with the 18th pick in the draft. On the surface, where you have an injured Dunta Robinson; a horrid Petey Faggins; a possibly-horrid Jacques Reeves; and are relying on a second-year corner and a veteran sex machine safety, it would seem logically sound to take a corner and hope to improve your atrocious secondary. It would seem that way until you really consider the context.
Right now, you can easily claim that our holes on defense are NT, DE2, CB2, SLB, and (possibly) SS. Of those holes, CB2 is the one where we have already spent the most cap space this offseason, albeit on a guy who might not be able to cover me for 4 seconds. Does it make sense to use your draft pick on a guy who play the same position as the guy you just overpaid for?
But that’s not even the biggest issue.
The fact is, a great defensive line can make a suspect secondary look average to good for multiple games in a season. A fantastic secondary can make an average D-line look good a couple times per game. Partly, this is because of the nature of the rules that allow WRs to play virtually untouched. But it is also due in no small part to the logistics of what the positions are asked to do. Your defensive line exists to get to the QB (or RB), correct? Well, they know where the QB is going to be once the ball is snapped. Defensive backs, on the other hand, are asked to cover someone with no clue as to where he is going or what path he will take to get there. This means that even the best CBs are going to get beat on a long enough timeline. SO–and I know you see where I am going with this–you can improve your secondary just as much by drastically shortening the length of time you ask them to cover as by upgrading your cornerbacks.
Hell, this year’s Super Bowl Champion New York Giants are an embodiment of this principle. Their monster defensive line was able to consistently get pressure on opposing QBs. Because of this, the Giants were able to survive with subpar linebackers (Pierce is a good player, but his main strength is in leadership and getting the D set correctly; Mitchell is a smart player and a sure tackler but is nothing special; and Torbor is notably below average, but tough) and an average defensive backfield. Corey Webster looks like he turned it around, but he still isn’t very good yet. Aaron Ross looked very good for a rookie, but Gibril Wilson is at best good (in terms of skills he’s probably comparable to a healthy Will Demps, maybe very slightly better) and James Butler more or less stinks.
Yet, despite having a back seven that was basically average, the Giants defense looked absolutely dominant at times–including against the Patriots–because they were able to get after opposing QBs on a regular basis. This is not a novel concept, really. And, given the choice, I would almost always rather go into a season with three great defensive lineman than with 2 great defensive linemen and a great DB. And, hell, with Ryans and Greenwood behind a line similar to the Giants, even Petey Faggins would seem decent at cornerback.
*Pauses to consider the implications of that last sentence. Shudders.*
WHICH (finally) brings me to my bigger point. Namely that, if we are drafting defense in the first round or third round, we should be looking for a defensive tackle or a speedy defensive end or–shockingly–both. I mean, clearly someone in Texans management thought that Reeves could play or else they wouldn’t have signed him. You want to make that signing make sense? Then put together a front four that can limit how long he has to cover. The kid has fantastic speed, but his instincts and coverage skills are not all that amazing. Ask him to cover for 2.5 seconds instead of 4.5 and his speed/quickness should be able to overcome his technique/skills. Unless, that is, someone thought it prudent to give $8MM guaranteed for a nickel corner. Which I choose to believe no one in our front office is stupid enough to do.
[Author's note: I realize that some of this--ok, fine, much of this--is a rehashing of the philosophy I've been espousing since the end of the season. I was pushing for a NT at that time and, for the most part, my position hasn't changed. I have only amended it to say that I would be nearly as happy with a solid DE and that the only CB I would be willing to change my opinion for would be the mutant Rodgers-Cromartie.]
Who, then, should we be looking at? I’m glad you asked. Two names that immediately jump out to me are Brian Johnston and Kentwan Balmer.
Last one first, let’s take a look at Balmer, since most of you have probably heard of him. A 6-5, 308 DT out of UNC, Balmer posted 59 tackles (33 solos), including 3.5 sacks, 9.5 TFL, and four quarterback pressures. Balmer was solid against the run in general, allowing 1.69 yards/carry on his 55 running stops. The one knock I would have against him is that he is about 15 lbs lighter (minimum) than I would like out of my NT, but that is countered by the fact that he is strong (33 reps) and explosive (29 in. vertical jump). Even better for our purposes, Balmer is currently projected to go in the late first/early second, meaning he should be available at 18. Speaking of that 18th pick, I think even if most teams have Balmer slotted at 25-30, we should be willing to reach a little if we find a guy we really want because of the lack of a second rounder.
The other guy I mentioned, Brian Johnston, might be unfamiliar to many of you. That’s what happens when you go to Gardner-Webb and don’t get a combine invite. Of course, after reading about his tryout in front of some NFL scouts, maybe he should have been invited.
Measuring in at 6-foot-5, 274 pounds, Johnston ran his first 40-yard dash in 4.66 seconds. Johnston’s 40-yard dash time would have been the fourth best at the NFL combine for defensive ends, and the best for any lineman weighing more than 260 pounds.
Johnston’s most impressive stat from the 40-yard dash came with a very strong 1.51-second time through the first 10 yards, an important time with regards to a players quickness. By comparison, Johnston’s 10-yard split was the same as Arkansas’ running back Darren McFadden turned in at the Combine earlier this year.
The most impressive result overall, however, may have been Johnston’s time in the 20-yard shuttle. He turned in a 4.18-second time, which is better than any lineman at the NFL’s Scouting Combine. In fact, the 4.18-second time was faster than any running back at the event - with Illinois’ Rashard Mendenhall the only back to match that time.
So, yeah…I’d say he fits the definition of a speed-rushing DE. Now, I know some of you are likely saying “ACK! Workout warrior from a small school! Babin! BABIN!!!” That’s fair. But let’s not forget that Babin was a college 4-3 DE drafted to play OLB in an NFL 3-4. Going forward was never a problem for him; it was sideline to sideline and dropping into TE coverage that killed him. In Johnston’s case, you would be drafting a college 4-3 DE speed-rusher to play NFL 4-3 DE speed-rusher. And, because Mario and Okoye occupy the extra blockers, he’d be going one-on-one with o-linemen most of the time. That’s always nice when you are lightning-fast.
ANYWAY, I am just spitballing here. If the word around the campfire is to be believed, we will take someone like Aqib Talib at 18 and then a RB in the third. And I’ll deal with it, even if I don’t think it is the right approach. And, hell, maybe I get kinda lucky and we take Talib (or whomever) in the first but still snag Johnston in the third. Regardless, until Draft Day, I am just going to keep doing my best to shepherd the weak through the valley of darkness.4
1 That’s not entirely true. I think it says that I liked the movie when it was (a) popular, (b) cliched, (c) ironic, and (d) suggestive that I am getting old.
2 That IS a tasty burger!
3 On the flip-side, some things that seem utterly inexplicable–say, the selection of Mario Williams over Reggie Bush–make perfect sense once you consider the context. While some things–say, the popularity of Mambo No. 5–remain inexplicable regardless of how much you ponder them.
4 And to not shoot Marvin in the face.
