DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

Big Picture

Oct 14, 2008 2008 Season, Curious Coaching, Fire Richard Smith, Gary Kubiak, Ranting

After Sunday’s win, there will be people, especially in the fair-weather media, saying that the Texans have finally turned a corner and that they’ve become better overall because they were able to go in there and put together a big game-winning drive.  Someone will point to how this was a telling rebound from last week’s crushing defeat and how that resilience is proof that the Texans are developing.  And I suppose there is some nugget of truth to the idea that your older brother’s Texans would not have won that game, but, Christ, you are talking about a team that was piloted by David Carr.  It’s not exactly earth-shattering news to say that today’s Texans, with the best DE in football, one of the five best WRs and MLBs, and a better RB than they’ve ever had are better than any pre-2006 squad.

No, the question should not be whether the Texans are better today than they were in 2005.  The question should be whether the path they are on right now will make them appreciably better in 2010 than they are in 2008?  If today is the first day of the rest of their collective football life, where does that life wind up?

To be sure, there are a number of positives on this team, many of which were evident yesterday.  Mario Williams in an absolute beast.  He gets held on every single play, sometimes by both blockers, yet he never complains and he still gets to the QB with regularity.  Andre Johnson, unfortunate fumble notwithstanding, is a fantastic wide receiver with a combination of size, skill, and speed that you rarely see.  DeMeco Ryans is everything you could ask for in a MLB.  Along with Johnson, the Texans’ receiving corps as a whole is one of the better ones in football, with every person unselfishly playing his role very well.  The offensive line, while still not perfect, is doing a very good job of keeping Matt Schaub clean and creating running room for Steve Slaton and will only get better as the system takes hold and Duane Brown develops.  Heck, even Vonta Leach is playing the role of blocker for Steve Slaton at a very high level, finishing his blocks through the second level.

Combine these positives with the 8-8 finish of 2007 and it would be very, very easy to believe that we are on the right path.  Seeing a comeback win last yesterday’s only serves to strengthen that perception.

But, as with anything, if the perception itself is flawed, the strengthening of it is all in your head.

Which (finally) brings me to my point: If I may be a little grey cloud of gloom right now, I am going to say right now that I don’t think we are on the right path, or, perhaps more accurately, I don’t think we are on a path that will culminate in sustained success and–gasp!–being a Super Bowl contender.  I think there are some serious organizational and personnel problems that, until they are resolved, are going to keep submarining the team’s efforts, leaving fans saying “man…we’re this close” over and over.

Some of those problems are readily apparent.  Richard Smith is not qualified to call defenses in Pop Warner, let alone in the NFL.  He has no defined defensive philosophy that I can see, he seems confused on how to use his assets (Mario, DeMeco, Bennett, Okoye) and how to hide his liabilities (Faggins, Diles, Johnson).  He refuses to put the best possible defense on the field at any one time and until recently he seemed to be ignoring the mounting evidence that Earl Cochran is the ONLY other consistent DE on the roster.  His players—especially his favorites, like Petey Faggins—are piss-poor tacklers, take poor angles, give way too much cushion to receivers, seem easily fooled by even the slightest trickery, and (as evidenced most recently by Bennett) seem to regress right when you think they are ready to make The Leap.

Likewise, as discussed here recently, Joe Marciano’s squad, at least in this writer’s opinion, is poorly coached from the top down.  They are lazy when it comes to lane integrity, they (like Smith’s charges) seem easily tricked, they allow the opponent to start seemingly EVERY drive past its own 25-yard line, and they botch simple things like FG snaps.  Even worse, it seems like Andre Davis is always running half-speed, looking for a hole rather than just getting up field as quickly as he can on every kickoff.

While those are the obvious ones, I am beginning to think the problem goes even higher.  Yes, I am talking about Gary Kubiak.  I have reached a point where I wonder whether he can actually be a good NFL head coach.  I wonder if he has “it,” whatever “it” is.

Here’s what I mean:  Can you think of a single game in Gary Kubiak’s tenure where we won because he outcoached someone?  Because I can’t.  What I can think of are:

• Utter inability to properly use timeouts or manage the clock, especially when time is the most important.  See, e.g., his unawareness of the lost time in last year’s Atlanta game or the random bits of time we let slide away on Sunday in the last drive.
• Complete cluelessness when it comes to challenges and a tendency to be scared to challenge later in a game if he was wrong (like he usually is) early in the game.
• Play calling that looks like it was scripted by someone who just learned the game of football.  See, e.g., the passing offense scripted by Kubiak and Baby Shan against Tennessee this year.
• Tendency for the team to play down to the level of its competition.  See, e.g., getting owned by a 2007 Falcons team that was so bad its own coach quit before the season ended or barely squeaking by a Dolphins team that won ONE GAME all year.
• Inability to put away games because the team seems to have no philosophy on how to grind clock, move the chains, and avoid turnovers.  (This partly goes back to clock management.)
• Tendency of team to be unaware of situation and proper responses to it.  See, e.g., Eugene Wilson’s INT on Sunday, where NO ONE, coach or player, was yelling for him to simply get the hell down and preserve the win.  That is a coaching mistake because that is the type of thing that should be drilled into players, just as you saw the Colts do when they picked off Rosenfels’ last throw.
• Continued tendency of team to fumble the ball and and throw INTs.  This is a coaching issue when it is endemic.
• Inability of team to be prepared for team-specific wrinkles.  See, e.g., our confusion re: defending the WildCat, despite having two weeks of film on it.
• Refusal of Kubiak (or his staff, save Alex Gibbs) to yell at a player when he really screws up.  Did you see a single coach really get in Eugene Wilson’s ear?  I sure didn’t.
• Steadfast refusal to get rid of people like Richard Smith.

That’s an awful lot of flaws for a guy whose only current positive point is that the team likes him.

Now it’s totally possible that we will rattle off 11 straight wins, in which case Kubes will have proven me wrong.  More likely, however, is that we stumble to 7-9 (i.e. go 6-5 down the stretch) and people talk about how “man, with a couple breaks earlier in the year, this team could easily have been 9-7.”  Which sounds a helluva lot like what we heard at the end of last year.  Then you have to start wondering how many this-close years are we going to have before we change coaches or, worse, miss the window on guys like Andre Johnson?

I fear the answer to that is higher than it should be, simply because Kubiak is such an upgrade over Dom Capers.  But that ignores that Capers was at least hamstrung (to some extent) by a GM that ate paint chips as a child.  Kubiak, on the other hand, is blessed with one of the best young GMs in the game.  That difference has to count for something when you start evaluating just what Kubiak brings to the table.

Please don’t get me wrong here.  I am beyond thrilled that we won Sunday.  I agree with Tim that the win renews ones hope and faith as a fan in the team.  My only concern is that we might currently be on a path where our faith and hope are CONSTANTLY tested because we lack the leadership to get to the next level.  Last week’s game was a microcosm for the experience of being a Texans fan—it seemed like the team was doing everything it could to lose, yet you could see that they were WAY better talent-wise than they were playing, and even though they won it still kinda felt like a loss in some ways.

In the end, if it’s true the Kubiak isn’t HC material, that is no sin.  There are plenty of guys who make good coordinators but poor head coaches.  But while it’s not a sin, it IS the kind of thing we need to figure out and address.  Quickly.

One Last Point On Spin Rosenfucker’s Flying Leap

Oct 9, 2008 2008 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Fuck, Ranting, Rosie Rosenfels, The Schaub Experiment, Vince Young can't read this post, What the fuck?

Many people (all of whom I am too lazy to link to) have said some variation of the idea that “Sage Rosenfels made that leap because he was trying to win the starting job.”  Well, if that’s the case, then he’s even dumber than he looked while flying through the air.

Here’s what I mean:  In weeks 1 and 3, yes, Matt Schaub looked like dog ass (at best).  Against Tennessee especially, he was reminding people of David Carr all day long and it wasn’t because of his hair.  There were any number of people, many of whom were not in the Start Sage camp prior to Tennessee, that were suddenly grumbling that maybe Schaub was not the guy.  It was not good times.

But against Jacksonville, however, the fucking week before the Colts’ game, Schaub played one of his very best games ever in a Texans uniform.  That’s not an exaggeration.  Even without Andre Johnson having a monster game, Schaub worked the whole field, maybe fantastic decisions, and managed the whole thing beautifully.  He found Owen Daniels and Kevin Walter every single time one of them had a favorable matchup.  He hit Stevie Wonder in stride on that beautiful TD pass.  All in all, he looked like a better version of the pre-injury Schaub we saw in 2007.

That being so, why in the fucking hell would Sage think that one win, even a big win over the Colts, would make Gary forget that (a) Schaub had played just as well the week prior, (b) Schaub was already the starter and was on the sideline because he had the shits and not because he was benched, and (c) that we paid handsomely for Schaub and giving up on him this quickly would be asinine?

Basically, I don’t care if Sage would have jumped over all three defenders like Sam McGuffie and ran for a game-clinching TD.  There was NO WAY he was going to take the starting job based on that one performance.  Maybe he gets a little closer and makes the leash on Schaub just a tiny bit shorter down the road, but Schaub was starting against Miami regardless of how the Colts game turned out.  And if Sage didn’t realize that and he really thought making that retarded jump was going to change things, then he makes Vince Young look like a nuclear physicist.

And, with that, I’m done talking about that goddamned game.

Clusterfuckotopia - the glass half-full edition

Oct 5, 2008 2008 Season, BFD's Real Doll, Putting people on notice, Ranting

This is going to be a somewhat rambling post I hope to tie up with a nice pretty ribbon in the end, so bare (sic) with me for a bit.

First of all, what Tim said:

The Texans lost this afternoon because of one player, and one player alone. After playing efficient, winning football for approximately fifty-six (56) minutes, Sage Rosenfels singlehandedly cost his team the win. No one else, and I mean NO ONE–no other player(s) and no coach(es)–lost this game. Sage lost it. By himself. In absolutely historical fashion. I’m sure he knows it, and we certainly know it.

The only extent to which I disagree is Richard Smith’s defense giving up another 30+ point effort, but 14 of those weren’t necessarily “his” fault.  Still, this epic collapse was kicked off by a ruthlessly easy drive that was started by the Dolts at their 19-yeard line and ended with a bit over four minutes remaining on the game.

Then, what Chris said:

What a disgusting end to an otherwise amazing game.

For those that say the bootleg was a poor, complacent play-call, I disagree.  In fact, I was yelling at the TV (with a ton of family over) to do exactly that with images of a play that will forever live in Texas Longhorn lore: Roll Left.

Sadly, for some incredibly unknown and fucked up reason, Sage thought he was Sam McGuffie.

The rest is whiskey-chugging history.

But, WTF?, why is this the glass-half full edition?

Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to go a little more micro with this in the future, but I want to start off with the schedule and a little bit of hope.

We lost @ Pittsburgh, there was a horrific “Bye” week, lost @ BE-SFs, lost @ Jacksonville, and lost to Indy.  So let’s break this down in logical groups.

Host Miami, Detroit, and Cincinnati: Let’s be honest with ourselves: the first four games of our schedule sucked ass, no matter how you look at it.  We knew this heading into the season, and Ike added another dash of hate to the equation.  I’m calling 3-4 after these three games.

@ Minnesota, home against Baltimore: Saying it right now: we are 5-4 after these two games.  Yeah, I know I’m a little psycho-nutz, but hear me out.  I’d rather play teams with a strong D and weak O than vice-versa.  I am far, far more worried about our ability to stop an opposing team’s offensive ability than I am for our team to beat a strong defense.  Yes, a logical argument is to point at BE-SF, but they are proving to be pretty elite in that realm.

@ Indianopolis: Need I say anything?  5-5.

@ Cleveland, home against Jacksonville, @ Green Bay: That’s right, people, I am calling 8-5.  Yes, I am retarded, so thanks for asking.  Cleveland and Green Bay are both struggling on D, and we almost took Jacksonville there.

Home against BE-SFs: If we are up against Vodka, we lose.  Against Radio, we win.  Calling 8-6.  My biggest hope, regardless, is that they are team seriously fighting reversion to the mean.

@ Oakland, home against Chicago: 10-6, people.  It’s a long limb, and I feel as stoned as the Music City people, but these are also excellent match-ups for us.

Let me add, dear readers, that these predictions are, ummmm, predicated on two very and precise factors:

1. We hire a personal chef and taster for Teh Schaub so that Rosy doesn’t take the field again unless it’s trash time.

2. Richard Smith is fired.

Demand #2 is just as much a stretch as my 10-6 prediction, but there is a point: we have talent on defense.  Zac Diles looked far better in coverage today.  Frenchy, even as iffy as he has been so far, is a quantum leap better than he was last year.  IF ONLY HE WOULD LOOK BACK FOR THE BALL ON EVERY FUCKING PLAY!  *ahem*  Frank Okam needs to dress and play, and Fred Bennett needs to look as well as he did today, but the defense has talent.

I am, honestly, liking the offense more and more with every week.

Do we need to place DisplacedTexan on suicide watch after the game today?  Yes, and with good cause.  But, and I’m saying it right fucking now, my people, that there is hope.  We pwn3d the Colts for 56 minutes today with the exception of playing an obviously inferior QB as our starter.  I believe we are a better team than the Colts and Jaguars right.  Fucking.  Now.  We just need to bring this whole motherfucker together into one big beautiful ball of consistent, ass-kicking love.

Now, EVERYBODY LOVE EVERYBODY!

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Open Rant Thread

Oct 5, 2008 2008 Season, Ranting

That might be the worst end of game I’ve seen since 1992.

The Problem With Richard Smith, Or, Perhaps More Accurately, Referendum On Coaching Incompetence

Sep 30, 2008 2008 Season, Chocodiles, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Hi Steve!, Kevin Bentley, Morlon Greenwood, Ranting, Super Mario

Let me just start by saying that, by and large, I agree with Tim and Chris’s points on the game.  There were lots of positives (for the offense) and lots of negative (for the defense and special teams).  In fact, this was one of those games that I didn’t really feel the need to write a recap of, since the goods and the bads were so glaringly obvious.

But, still, my job (as it were) here is to talk about the Houston Texans (as well as make inappropriate remarks about the team and people associated with it).  So rather than do a traditional recap, let’s hit some big picture points.

First, if I were the GM of this team, Richard Smith would not be receiving paychecks from me.  And I don’t just mean going forward, as he should have and would have been fired a long time ago.  After all, the problems are manifold and obvious–no cohesive philosophy, no idea how to use his assets, no clue how or when to blitz, no attempt to adjust when another team is going the Tecmo Bowl route and burning you with the same exact play over and over and over and over, and nothing to suggest that his charges are this close to turning the corner and becoming markedly better.  We’ve spent numerous first- and second-round draft picks on defense, especially the front seven, yet we remain incapable of getting to the QB before the ball is thrown or creating turnovers or (on many days) even tackling with any regularity.  That’s ALL on Richard Smith.

Despite cries for his head after last year, Smith got a free pass to come back for another 16 games because (a) Mario became dominant in 2007 and (b) there were so many injuries that it somehow seemed unfair (to everyone but me, I guess) to fire him when he was shorthanded.  Unfortunately, last year’s MASH unit was actually better, at least to the naked eye, than this year’s healthy squad has been.  If Smith were any kind of DC, doing better this year than last should have been the easiest assignment of his tenure.  Instead, everyone except Mario (yes, even DeMeco) seems to have stagnated or regressed in 2008.

Sunday’s game was a snapshot of the entire Richard Smith experience—players out of position, inexplicable defensive calls in tight situations, defensive backs who looked lost and exposed.  Even worse, one got the feeling that absolutely none of those problems was going to go away until Smith himself went away.  So, while I have railed against Smith in this space for over a year, I feel like it’s time to turn it up a bit.  In that vein, “FIRE RICHARD SMITH” is now the official motto of DGDB&D 2008.  I realize that I have no pull and a relatively limited audience, but I figure saying it a lot and trying to get others to spread the message absolutely cannot hurt our cause.  Say it loud, say it often, and say it to anyone who will listen.

Moving on…

As bad as Smith’s squad was Sunday, Joe Marciano’s was even worse.  And I’m not just talking about their inability to recognize that a team cannot punt when there is no punter lined up behind the center, though that was certainly the most egregious example.  But, yeah, it was worse than that.  All day long, our returners made horrible decisions and/or did nothing while our coverage teams allowed Jacksonville’s return men to get huge chunks of yardage on seemingly every kick.  In fact, thus far in 2008, on Kevin Bentley has really been a consistent contributor on special teams.

Like Richard Smith, Marciano probably should have been gone a while ago.  However, because he’s been blessed to have some very, very good return men, as well as the occasional solid cover guy, he’s been able to keep his job.  Nevermind that, as a Texans fan, you have reached a point where you just expect the other team to be starting somewhere past their own 25 on every single possession.  Hopefully, for my own sanity as well as the future success of your Houston Texans, Sunday’s game was the beginning of the end of the Marciano era.  If not, here’s to hoping that Kevin Bentley becomes the next Eugene Seale.

Thirdly, can someone please tell me what the heck is going on between Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson?  Because I honestly cannot come up with any sort of answer that makes sense.  Some have suggested that maybe Andre’s injury has changed his route running or made him slower, but it seems like the passes to Schaub are behind Andre rather than out in front.  Others have suggested that they are just not clicking because they didn’t get to play together very much in the second half of last season, but they had never played together before last season and they started the year firing on all cylinders.  Like I said…I don’t get it.

What I DO get, however, is that our offense on Sunday was on fire and looked like the team from early 2007 that was putting up points fast and often.  And that’s without Andre being involved even half as much as you would have assumed.  If/when he and Matt get back on the same page, the Texans should be able to score against just about anyone.  Judging by the success Denver had (prior to the KC game), a high-powered offense combined with a non-tackling defense can still win you more than it loses you, at least until playoff time rolls around.  Maybe, for now, we need to approach the game like those old Colts and Rams teams did—we are going to put up 35 or more most weeks and assume that even our sub-par defense can stop you a couple of times.  Scoreboard, holmes.

Finally, a couple quick thoughts on some players:

Steve Slaton is your running back for the foreseeable future.  That TD pass he caught was the product of a route that no previous Texans RB could have done.  In the modern, pass-happy NFL, having a back who can split out wide and blow by a corner is a luxury and it’s one that we now possess.  This is very, very happy news.

Morlon Greenwood, what has happened to you?  Consider this my official mea culpa: I was wrong on Morlon in 2008 and it’s time to replace him with…

Kevin Bentley.  Gotta love what you’ve seen from LVJ so far.  He’s playing fantastic on special teams, he’s one of the few guys on the team who has shown a willingness to hit, wrap up, and tackle, and he even looked solid playing in place of DeMeco for a few snaps Sunday.  So, I ask ya, is there any reason not to assume that he would be an upgrade over Greenwood or Zac “I’m Way Too Small To Play SLB” Diles?  I think not.

Dear Jacques Reeves, TURN AROUND AND FIND THE BALL EVERY NOW AND THEN.  Signed, Anyone With Two Ounces Of Common Sense.

Last, but certainly not least, a kudos to the entire offense line (but, especially, Duane Brown) on Sunday.  Nicely done, gentlemen.  I see that you’ve realized that keeping Matt upright makes you look good and makes the whole team better.  Let’s continue that approach against the Colts in what is certain to be an absolutely rocking Reliant Stadium this week.

Monday Afternoon Randomness Somewhat Related To Yesterday’s Football Contests (As Well As The Game That Wasn’t)

Sep 15, 2008 2008 Season, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Ike, News and Notes, Ranting, Reggie Bush shat himself, Teams that aren't the Texans

…aaaaaand, we’re back!

First things first, my thoughts go out to all you Tina Turners who got battered around by Ike over the weekend.  We had some minor power outages and had a neighbor’s window awning slam into our house at 2:30AM Sunday, but that was it.  I can’t imagine having to deal with hundreds of gallons of water in my house or anything like that.  (Also, if you have a little extra cash lying around and want to help, here’s the Red Cross link.  They were a huge help when we were digging out of the tornado.)

Second, the decision to postpone the Texans game altogether sucked from a football fan standpoint, but I really think it was the only thing that could be done, especially once the NFL realized that the rescheduling of the game was feasible.  I know a couple people suggested the Dome or Rice Stadium, but putting the game at either spot would have been a stretch considering people were still dealing with the hurricane.  Sure, the game probably could have been played at a different site (including the aforementioned as well as stadiums where games were not scheduled this past week), but I don’t think the NFL and the powers-that-be thought it should be played.

So what does this mean for Texans fans?  Well, for one, it means that our first four three games are on the road and our first four games might be the hardest four game stretch any team will face this year.  (Seriously…@ Pittsburgh, @ Nashvile, @ Jacksonville, and v. Colts???  Thanks, Jesus!)  On the flip side, it also means that we’ll have four straight home games (three of which we should be favored in) starting October 5 (v. Colts, v. Lions, v. Dophins, v. Bengals).  Therefore, I think you can make a pretty strong case that we have to win at least one of the three upcoming division games (preferably next week if I am allowed to choose)if we are going to make any noise this year.  That would give us a good shot at being 5-3 0r 4-4 after the tough half of our schedule is over.

Still, even with the added fun of four straight home games, the Week 2 bye sucks my balls.  And not in that tender, loving way I prefer.  No sir, it’s a full-on Vince-Young-Gay-Porn-moneyshot nutsuckin’ and that is totally due to the bye week.  A week two bye, simply put, blows.  A week eight bye, even more simply, rules.  The former, especially when it comes unsuspected like this, meaning you had a week of normal practices, does nothing to help you heal or prepare or regroup for the stretch run.  The latter does all of these things (and, assuming it doesn’t sneak up on you, also allows for some time off to heal the dings and nicks of seven weeks of football).

Which brings me to my larger point, which is one I’ve harped on from time to time through this blog’s lifecycle.  Namely that there is NO REASON WHATSOEVER TO HAVE BYE WEEKS.  The bye week is a remnant of the days of 31 teams, when someone had to be off each week because there were not enough teams for everyone to play every week.  Nowdays, some teams get “rewarded” with a week 8 or (sometimes) week 9 bye week, giving players that would normally miss the next game time to heal while other teams are stuck with the ol’ week 4 early byes.  There is no rhyme or reason (that I can see) to the scheduling of byes, either, meaning that teams cannot predict from year to year when their next bye will fall.  How does any of this make sense?  (Answer: It doesn’t, Matt.  Like always, you are right on.)

****

Other news and notes from around my Week 2 Experience.

NFLN quote as the Titans-Bengals highlights showed Kerry Collins and Chris Simms.  “This is what’s left of Tropical Depression Vince.”  A+, guys.

Keith Bulluck’s blocked punt/punt block TD was one of the best plays I’ve seen from an OLB in a loooong time.  Very impressive.  Damn it.

The St. Louis Rams and the Minnesota Vikings are apparently using the same playbook.  Chapter 2 of that playbook is “Never, Ever Do Anything To Get Your Franchise RB The Ball In Space.”  Both teams have abandoned the swing pass and are trying to subsist on slants, the occasional go route, and draws and traps.  Oh, and the always fun, “RB chips the blitzer, then goes two yards and turns around for a worthless short pass.”  Unfortunately, if you are St. Louis (or their fans), the Rams’ D is nowhere near good enough to keep them in games that Minnesota can stay in.

Speaking of Minnesota, Ryan Longwell, you are on notice for choking that last FG.  That said, Minny’s refusal to go for the TD when down in the red zone was further proof of the idea that conventional football wisdom is often anything but wise.

Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall are a studs, but the real balls belong to Mike Shanahan.  Not only did he have the sack to go for the win rather than the tie, but he used the EXACT same play as he’d just run to score the TD.  Tecmo Bowl School of Game Management, cum laude.

Justin Tuck is fucking great.

Marc Bulger is not.

Tarvaris Jackson is getting lambasted for doing the exact same things that Vince Young has been doing for two years now.

Man, a smart fellow would have predicted this Jags decline and David Garrard’s struggles.  Oh, wait…I did.  Yay, me.

Man, a smart fellow would have predicted this Buffalo success.  Oh, wait…I did.  Yay, me again.

Darren McFadden is damn good, but he is not as good as Kansas City made him look.  No one is.  I am reasonably sure Tim could rush for 95 yards and a TD against the Chefs.

Reggie Bush = Still a Douchebag.

John Clayton eschews reality-based analysis, decides Young is next great QB

Aug 12, 2008 Logo by Chris, Overrated, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Ranting, Rebuttals, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Weak-ass arguments

No, really.  Time to fisk.

The Pittsburgh Steelers‘ personnel officials assembled on the practice field in Latrobe, Pa., Sunday to watch workouts for Byron Leftwich and Daunte Culpepper, two talented quarterbacks who went through the offseason looking for work instead of preparing for the season.

Replacing Chaz Batch with Leftwich or Culpepper?  Was Kordell Stewart unavailable?  How about Spergon Wynn?  Could no one reach Shaun King?

They were amazed. “What are these guys doing on the street?” scouts muttered to themselves.

What were they doing on the street?  Hanging out with other people who are not viable NFL QBs, I guess.  Oh, and in Leftwich’s case, eating.  A lot.

Both quarterbacks are in great shape. They are big and physical with powerful arms.

And all the mobility of a tectonic plate.

Both have been winners in this league.

Jacksonville was 24-20 in games started by Leftwich.  His best record as a starter was 8-3 in 2005.  Winner winner, give this man his chicken dinner.

Feeling as though they had hit the lottery for a quick fix while Charlie Batch heals from a broken collarbone, the Steelers signed Leftwich for the minimum salary.

Their version of the lottery sounds a lot like Shirley Jackson’s.  Can I volunteer to throw the first rock?

The NFL chews up quarterbacks like patrons at a football game devour hot dogs. Alex Smith, the top pick in the 2005 draft, is struggling in San Francisco and could be beaten out by journeyman J.T. O’Sullivan. Matt Leinart is the starter in Arizona, but one stumble could bring Kurt Warner into a starting role again. Rex Grossman isn’t exactly wowing them in the great Chicago Bears quarterback debate.

Yes, it is the NFL’s fault the the QBs you just mentioned are shitty.  That makes sense.  All failed QBs fail not because of their own lack of talent, but, rather, from the evil NFL machine eating them like a hotdog.

With Peyton Manning sidelined with a knee infection and Tom Brady nursing an ankle injury, you wonder, “Where are the next great quarterbacks coming from?”

Hmm…let’s see.  My guesses for places you could look for the next great QB would be: 1. Cincinnati 2. New York (Giants) 3. New Orleans 4. Denver 5. Dallas 6. Washington 7. Houston 8. Jacksonville 9. Cleveland and 10. Anywhere other than Nashville or Kansas City.

On a recent trip to Nashville, Tenn., to see Titans quarterback Vince Young, I saw hope for the present and the future.

Well fuck me runnin’.

Young might not be a fantasy football delight because he’s not a numbers guy, but in time, the numbers might come.

“he’s not a numbers guy” = “he fucking blows as a QB under any traditional metric you might care to use, save for ‘being ambiguously gay at da club,’ where he is among the league leaders.”

In the meantime, Young, under the instruction of offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger, is taking the next step in developing into an elite NFL quarterback.

Step 1: Run just enough as a rookie that people overlook your mediocre passing.
Step 2: Regress in your second year, cease to run, and ride a great defense to the playoffs.
Step 3: Throw your offensive coordinator under the bus.
Step 4: ???
Step 5: Profit?

Heimerdinger watched all of Young’s game tapes and developed a plan for taking his immense talents to the next level.

That plan was relayed to Vince using simple, crayon drawings:

While Young is still a work in progress, the Titans are fortunate to have a quarterback who can be a winner on the field while he learns.

Obligatory reminder: VY’s career record: 17-11 (0-1 playoffs).  Rex Grossman, WHO CLAYTON JUST SAID SUCKED ABOUT FOUR PARAGRAPHS AGO: 19-11 (2-2 playoffs).

“Eventually, I think he’ll be pretty darn good,” Heimerdinger said. “This guy’s physical presence is amazing. He’s 6-4 or 6-5. I didn’t think I would see anybody bigger than Steve McNair and John Elway, two guys I worked with.”

So, there you have it.  Vince will be good because he is tall.  Other tall QBs who came in with a lot of hype: Todd Marinovich (6-4) and Ryan Leaf (6-5).  (Also, Heimerdinger didn’t think he’d ever see someone bigger than McNair (6-2) or Elway (6-3)?  Really?  Chad Pennington, whom he worked with, was as big or bigger than both of those guys.)

Young has Michael Vick-type running ability, but his height gives him a downfield edge when he stays in the pocket to pass.

Which would matter if he ever stayed in the pocket to pass.  And if he could read defenses.

In two seasons, he has gone through some interesting configurations. Coming out of Texas, he was a running quarterback who could throw.

And who could probably spell his name if you spotted him the “V-I-N-C.”

He went 8-5 as a rookie starter in 2006 and was billed as the NFL’s next star. He was on the cover of the Madden game. He threw for 12 touchdowns and ran for seven. He was the offensive rookie of the year and earned a trip to the Pro Bowl.

He also threw 13 INTs, which John leaves out because that would be the verbal equivalent of using teeth in this written blowjob.

Not only did he beat the Madden jinx by starting 15 games last season, Young, through his leadership, took the Titans on a surprise ride to the playoffs.

Yup.  That’s exactly what happened.  The playoffs had nothing to do with Tennessee having the best defense in the league.  It was Young’s “leadership” that took them to playoffs.  That leadership included standing away from all the other players, pouting like a little ho when he was not the starter in the game at Houston.  But that kind of leadership is so powerful, it can overcome a 9 TD, 17 INT, year.  That leadership is not fazed by a fall off in yards per attempt, yards per completion, or yards per carry.  Amazing.  He’s like General fucking Patton out there.

Despite that success, things were holding him back.

Based on what we’ve seen and heard from him, I’m betting those “things” were Norm Chow and the itchy, restrictive nature of shirts.

He played a good portion of the season with an agonizing quad injury that handcuffed him.

Little-known fact: An injured quad makes it so that you can’t see the opposing teams’ defensive backs, thus forcing you to throw into coverage a LOT.

Worse, he struggled in his second season, trying to be more of a pocket passer than a multidimensional quarterback.

Sooo…the “next great QB” struggled when trying to be a QB?  Weird.

“My quad, man, it was bad,” Young said. “Every week you get it better, then you go out and play and hurt it again. The quad would get weak. I was taking those pills for the pain. I was running around trying to make plays when it’s not there. The quad is definitely back where it needs to be although I still have a little hole in there.”

Brett Favre thinks you are a total fucking pussy if you can’t plan through some pain while hopped up on Vicodin.  Also, just fyi, the fact that the pain pills make it not hurt during the week does not mean it has gotten “better.”  Further, if it was that bad, why the fuck didn’t you take a few weeks off and rest/rehab it, especially since the team did not miss a beat with Vodka Collins at the wheel.  (Because, you know, that whole “we’re riding our defense” thing)

Heimerdinger returns to the Titans at the right time for Young. Having worked with McNair and Elway, Heimerdinger knows how to craft a plan for a talented quarterback.

OK, first of all, the next person to mention Heimerdinger and Elway in the same sentence gets smacked in the head.  Mike Heimerdinger was the WIDE RECEIVERS COACH for the Broncos from 1995 to 1999.  He had literally DICK to do with developing John Elway.  Yet that is exactly what Clayton is insinuating.

Secondly, though, Heimerdinger also worked with Brooks Bollinger and Chad Pennington when they were in their developmental stages as QBs and neither of them became much of anything.  (That’s called an “understatment.”)  So, it looks like ‘Dinger does well when he has a talented QB (McNair) and not well at all when he doesn’t.  Which makes him no different from anyone else, really.  Besides, you can argue pretty convincingly that it is EASIER to devlop a talented QB, so McNair’s development under Heimer (which, incidentally, came after McNair had been starting in the league for three years, which is the point where many QBs make a large leap in terms of production) is not some merit badge for the OC.

FINALLY, all of this presupposes that Vince is a “talented” QB in the same manner that Elway and McNair were, which has yet to be proven.

Norm Chow, the Titans’ offensive coordinator the past two seasons, helped in Young’s early development but a different set of eyes was needed.

The first thing Heimerdinger did was work extensively on defense recognition.

Not a bad plan.

Young was lax in making pre-snap reads in his first two seasons.

Yes, yes he was.  And Mike Vick was “lax” in taking proper care of his pets, Charlie Casserly was “lax” in properly evaluating free agents and trade proposals, and John Clayton is “lax” on supporting his arguments with anything resembling proof.

For Young, it was back to school and he had plenty of tutors.

The Titans signed veteran tight end and former Atlanta Falcon Alge Crumpler, who’s known as much for his recognition of defenses as he is for his pass-catching ability.

So, they had to bring in someone to yell out the correct answer to Vince?  “R-o-C-k!” “Ohhhh, the ‘c’ is silent!” Sounds like the teaching of Vince was going really well.

Crumpler often bailed out Vick during Vick’s mad scrambles by putting his big body in a spot where the quarterback could see it.

I fail to see how Mike Vick being consistently bailed out by a TE will make Vince a better QB.  I mean, when the guy is having to change his route on the fly and go get the ball from the QB, it doesn’t really sound to me like the QB is “developing” as a QB.  For example, imagine I am horribly shitty at my job (real stretch, I know).  Then, one day, my boss hires a co-worker who, for whatever reason, is an incredibly hardworker and he does all his work and all my work, but I still the get the praise and the bonuses.  Have I “developed” as an employee?  No.  Of course not.

“I see the maturation of Vince,” Crumpler said. “I just want to make sure he doesn’t lose his confidence. Can he weather the storm of being the third pick in the draft and can I be one of those guys who help to get him there? Eli Manning took all the shots in his first few years and he weathered the storm. It’s a great story. I would hope the same thing can happen to Vince.”

And Ryan Leaf took all the shots but didn’t weather the storm.  I would hope the same thing can happen to Vince.

Vick’s dogfighting trial and later imprisonment were the story in 2007, as much a part of the daily headlines as Brett Favre’s divorce from the Packers this offseason. That experience adds perspective to Crumpler’s move from Atlanta to Nashville to help Young.

Huh?

Vick’s demise and Crumpler’s season of noncommunication with Bobby Petrino were a personal hell for the Pro Bowl tight end and his Falcons teammates. Being with Young is heaven to Crumpler because he can help.

Ah, ok.  Because Crumpler lost his starting QB to federal prison, that makes it much better for him in Nashville.  Fine.  Whatever.  Glad he’s happy.  Quick—name all the QBs who have gone from below average to great due to the signing of a veteran TE!

“Look at it, Vince threw nine touchdown passes and 18 interceptions last year,” Crumpler said.

Close, Alge.  Though it’s funny that you just made his numbers even worse than they really were.

“He had the Pacman Jones distraction.

Everyone who thinks Vince struggled to throw the ball because Pacman was in trouble with the law and suspended by Herr Goodell, please raise your hand.

He had an injury.

Fair enough.  Though, again, if it was so bad that he was hurting the team by playing, then he should have been benched or placed on IR.  If it wasn’t bad enough to affect his play, then it shouldn’t be an excuse for his play.  But, still, I’ll grant the injury as a viable thing that might have distracted a young QB.

Yet he wins 10 games and goes to the playoffs in the AFC South, a tough division.

Actually, he “won” 9 games, at least according to how such things are recorded.  In reality, a much better argument can be made that the team won many of those games despite Vince’s play:
Week 1: 11-18, 78 yds, 1 INT, 1 rushing TD, 1 fumble.  Team wins.
Week 5: 20-33, 157 yds, 3 INT.  Team wins.
Week 8: 6-14, 42 yds, 1 fumble.  Team wins.
Week 9: 14-23, 110 yds, 2 INT, 1 rushing TD. Team wins.
Week 16: 12-22, 166 yds, 1 INT, 3 fumbles. Team wins.
Week 17: 14-18, 157 yds. Team wins.

We have a quarterback. His game management just has to get a little bit better. He’s a difference-maker.”

He’s a difference-maker as a QB like ebola is a difference-maker as a weight-loss tool.

In his first practice this summer against non-Titans, Young completed 22 of 26 passes against the Rams last week in a scrimmage.

Two questions: 1. What were the other numbers, John?  2. You do realize that scrimmage (not even a preseason game!) is rather meaningless, right?

Despite the struggles with confidence and the quad injury last season, Young improved from a 51.5 to a 62.3 percent passer.

And his TD % went down, his INT % went up, and his number of passes over 20 yards went down.  Besides, David Carr was a 68% passer in 2006 with a similar YPC and a better INT %.  I don’t see anyone calling him the next great QB.

In his third season, he’s starting to figure out who he is as a quarterback.

Mediocre and overrated.

“I’m going to try to be rookie year Vince Young that everybody was talking about,” Young said. “I’m going to go out, win games and try to go further in the playoffs.”

Rookie Year Vince: 51.5% completion, 12 TDs/13 INTs, 12 fumbles, 146.6 passing YPG, 8-5 as a starter…way to set those goals high, Vincent.

His improvements are noticeable.

IN TRAINING CAMP.  NOT IN A REAL GAME.  PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PBS-LOGO-LOOKING HEAD FROM HIS CROTCH.

Thanks to his offseason of studying pre-snap reads, Young is comfortable behind center. Heimerdinger has worked him in drills to improve his footwork.

File this under “Things They Hope You Have A Basic Grasp On When You Enter The League.”

“Different drills improved my base on five- and seven-step drops,” Young said. “Now, I’m keeping my feet underneath me and I’m sliding up and moving in the pocket. I’m not just standing in one place and bouncing. Having my feet underneath me, I’m throwing more accurately. You watch Tom Brady. He brings his whole body with him when he moves in the pocket. Sometimes, I would use my arm more and not bring my whole body with me.”

You know who else was fundamentally flawed as a thrower when he entered the league?  David Carr.  All kidding aside, though, did you really just mention Tom Brady in a paragraph about your own development?  That feels wrong on a number of levels.

Heimerdinger showed Young tape of how he would stand eight yards behind the line of scrimmage, bouncing with his feet and looking downfield.

“Bouncing with his feet,” huh, John?  What the fuck else would he be bouncing on?  That’s quality sportswriting.  I suddenly have this feeling that you are going to work some ridiculous pun into this article.

If Young had to run, he was so far behind the line of scrimmage, it would be hard to make a gain.

Yet people talked about how he was a much better runner than a passer.  Odd.

From reads to foot placement to depth in the pocket, Young is starting to turn old school. He’s getting better.

Translation: Now that he is learning some of the most basic tenets of quarterbacking at any level, Young is starting to at least resemble a real QB.  (As for the “he’s getting better,” again, can we PLEASE wait until he does something in a real game before we start throwing this shit around?)

Thanks to Young’s development, remember the Titans when picking playoff contenders.

Welcome to Punsville, population: you.  Admit it, you ugly fuck—you wrote this whole goddamned article so you could use that shitty quip, didn’t you?

Matt and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day¹

Jul 31, 2008 Anger, Anna-Megan is retarded, Dancing With the 'Tards, Fuck, Ranting

A number of reasons, both Texans- and non-Texans-related, have left me in an incredibly foul mood this afternoon. In the spirit of my disposition, here’s a list of people who need to shut the fuck up.

Jason McIntyre / The Big Lead. Every time you write anything about the NFL, I have this overwhelming urge to throw up all over my computer. Seriously. Your football analysis makes Merrill Hoge sound like Vince Lombardi. The Texans rank 20th in your power rankings, behind the Bucs and the Cardinals and the Bills? Really? You say you base it on “their roster” and “their history,” but I call bullshit. Your football knowledge can be summed up as “this is what ESPN told me to think six months ago.” If you’ll buy a bullet, I’ll loan you a gun so you can just end it and save us all the pain.

Paul Schwartz / NY Post. BFD is going to handle this one later, but, for now, suffice it to say that the only “mercy” that came from Carr’s release was granted TO us, not BY us.  Oh, and fuck you, you ignorant cocksucker.

Anna-Megan Raley.  This week’s topic: Why do you love Mario Williams?  Next week: Why I love to blow football players.

The Kid at Sonic with his employee visor upside-down and backward.  Every day, your father wishes he’d pulled out.  Also, your father probably isn’t who you think it is.

Houston Chronicle.  Brandon Harrison.  Brandon Mitchell.  What, do all Brandons look alike to you, you name-ist dickholes?  Here’s an idea—since no one expects you to have any sort of hot, breaking news, take your fucking time and at least try to get the names right and, maybe, give us a nugget that the AP won’t.  Fuck.

¹ Most little kid books suck. The inspiration for this post title does not.

An Open Letter to Chris Brown

Jul 29, 2008 Open Letters, RB free-for-all, Ranting

Dear Chris,

I hope this letter finds you not dead.  The reason I’m writing is this: PLEASE don’t make me hate you.

You see, I am a bitter, angry little man and I have more than enough hate to go around.  I give some hate to Travis, I give some hate to Petey, I give some hate to Coach Smith…but I have more.  Lots more. And a good bit of that can and will be yours unless some shit changes.

Thing is, I don’t want to hate you.  Hell, I even told people before camp that you were my darkhorse candidate to be the number one guy this year.  I thought, “hey, here’s a kid with a lot of talent who has just gotten some unlucky breaks.”  Sure, maybe you run so upright one has to wonder if you have something up your ass, but that was no biggie.  I figured you could handle the load and be a surprise 1200-yard back under Coach Gibbs.

Then camp started.  Not for you, though, as you chose to go to a wedding thing.  Hey, I kind of understand that.  Maybe.  I guess.

Actually, no, I don’t.  Plenty of people—even those without football players in their families—plan their weddings so that the nuptials don’t interfere with camp.  These dates are set WAY in advance, man.  If the family member didn’t care enough about having you there to make sure the date wouldn’t interfere with camp, why would you even go?  I honestly don’t get it.

Maybe the wedding was “spur of the moment.” If so, that’s cool…for the couple.  YOU should have said “congrats, but I can’t make it because I am trying to win a job on a football team that will not hesitate to cut me if I suck or do stupid things.”  Because, well, Kubiak will not hesitate to cut you if you suck or do stupid things.

And, yeah, the back spasms aren’t totally your “fault,” per se, but…well…they kind of make you look like a pussy.  I’m just sayin’.  Don’t get me wrong—I have a bad back and I know how painful such spasms can be.  But I also know that they can be treated AND I know that, for me at least, they require me to actually DO SOMETHING before they flare up.  Now, it could be that I am just tougher than you are.  Totally possible.  But, if so, that’s definitely not a good thing.

ANYWAY…yeah, you are really working my last good nerve, bro.  But, because I am trying not to hate you, I have a tiny piece of advice: hike up your skirt and and get on the fucking field NOW, Nancy. It’s really the only way to prevent some serious unpleasantness.

Kissies,
Matt

My crush note to Peter King

Jul 28, 2008 Little Dickie Justice, Pancakes McTard, Peter King sucks balls, Ranting

Dearest Peter,

Though we all know I could never speak as eloquently as my erstwhile co-blogger, Matt, I am going to add my dos centavos to your high-level of discourse when it comes to Texans fans.

Your obviously well-though-out comment about Texans fans reminds me of an old boss I used to have.  During one of our usual discussions when I was questioning his lack of intelligence and morality, his rejoinder was that I “lacked a sense of urgency.”  You see, in my boss’ world, running around without a plan or goal was showing a sense of urgency, while coming up with a plan and executing the plan meant that I didn’t care.

How does this apply to you?  Thanks for asking!  You seem to have this odd belief that, just because you wear some makeup, a dress, and a pig nose, one is a “passionate fan.”  In the real world, one would say these people have some horrific father issues, but that’s neither here nor there.  The simple truth is that dressing in drag does not equal passion (unless, of course, that’s your goal, as Pancakes would attest).

Perhaps, to you, passion means catching players when they jump into the stands after a score?  Or is it flashing gang signs to your dog-killing quarterback?  Making sweet love to your sister?

Do we need more fat guys to paint their bodies?

Do we need to turn the AC down to -20?  The heater up to 140?

Or, like a Dallas fan, do we need to beat our wives after a particularly close loss?  Is that passion to you, Mr. King?

Can you please forward me your quantifiable passion formula?  Because if there’s anybody who knows about passion, you are that person.

Maybe, just maybe, we should take a moment to think the unthinkable.  Perhaps, you’ve never as much as even watched a game involving the Texans.  Perhaps, you don’t even like football.  There are no other truly rational reasons for you to state, objectively, one of the most irrational statements uttered by a “sports” writer since Richard Justice’s latest column on the Texans.

If your idea of evoking passion was to piss off the Texans Nation en masse, mission accomplished…you fucking East coast hack asshole.

FOAD,

bfd

An Open Letter To Peter King

Jul 28, 2008 Open Letters, Peter King sucks balls, Ranting

Dear Ass-Sucking Cockmaster,

It has come to my attention that you don’t think Texans fans are passionate.  Apparently, we do not consume our team with the same joie de vivre with which you consume metric tons of frosting and Brett Favre’s smegma.  I find this rather interesting—in the same way I find a monkey playing with his own shit interesting—mainly because it makes no sense whatsoever.  You fucking retard.

Consider, when the team opened certain Training Camp dates to the public and made tickets available, ALL of the tickets were gone within days.  Most practices were full within hours of the tickets being released.  Let me spell this out for you:

THOUSANDS OF TEXANS FANS DECIDED THAT SPENDING THEIR RESPECTIVE WEEKENDS IN 95-PLUS-DEGREE HEAT AND 90-PLUS-PERCENT HUMIDITY WHILE WATCHING A TEAM THAT HAS NEVER MADE THE PLAYOFFS WAS A GOOD IDEA. BECAUSE THEY LOVE THEIR TEAM.

Sure, it’s probably hot where most teams hold training camp, but until a team starts running cone drills underneath your flabby mantits, I cannot think of a less hospitable place to play football than Houston, TX, in late July and early August.  Yet every single open practice is full and, as soon as that practice ends, those same fans light up blogs and message boards across the internet breaking down everything from Duane Brown’s physical shape to who the third wide receiver and/or dime cornerback are likely to be.

Don’t get me wrong, shitbreath—I am not comparing us to the Redskins one way or the other.  Maybe they are crazy fucking passionate.  Maybe they are the greatest group of fans in the history of organized sport.  Maybe many of them have sacrificed their own children at Dan Snyder’s altar in the hopes of bringing a Super Bowl ring back to D.C.

But to simply throw out the line that “Texans fans aren’t passionate”?  It sure seems like you are basing “passion” on how much the fanbase hates you and how many negative comments you get in response to your shitty columns.  Perhaps if you ever talked about the Texans, we fans would feel the need to waste bytes on you. But, speaking only for myself, I tend to avoid really poorly written sports materials unless they refer directly to my team, so I don’t encounter your work too often.

That said, if it is vitriol that proves passion to you, I mean it with the utmost sincerity when I say…

I hope you get sodomized to death with a piece of white-hot rebar, you twinkie-huffing piece of shit.

I hope you choke on a dick-flavored scone.

I hope your daughter finds a boyfriend whose sexual predilections make Osi Umenyiora’s look like missionary with the lights off.

I hope Brett Favre takes you out to a nice dinner and then never calls you.

I hope someone at SI jerks off in your latte.

I hope your wife pays three guys to fist her, videotapes it, and leaves it playing in the living room when you come home.

You have any pets?  I hope they bite you and then die.

I hope SI realizes that you write like old people fuck (sloppy, boring, not something you particularly want to look at) and shitcans you.

I hope the Starbucks closest to your house closes down, simply because the idea of you getting irritated about driving an extra four or five blocks pleases me.

I hope you choke on a chicken wing and no one in the restaurant has long enough arms to properly apply the Heimlich.

I hope SI’s buildings catch fire while you are taking a giantic shit, forcing you to either burn to death or run outside without wiping.

I hope Tiki Barber gives in to his primal urges and taps your flabby ass in the greenroom, then teases you about how small your dick is whenever you are around the rest of the FNIA crew.

I hope you walk in on your daughter in the middle of a bukkake circle.

I hope Brett Favre comes back this year and sucks, then blames you for all of it.

I hope Travis Johnson knees you in the skull for talking to Trent Green.  God hates ugly, Peter.  Hates it.

How’s that for “passion,” you obese fucking hack?

Yours in Christ,
Matt Campbell

A little more on Duane Brown

Jul 27, 2008 2008 Training Camp, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, Putting people on notice, Ranting

First, my intertubes connection sux tonight.  I guess there are too many dump trucks out there.  This post will be fairly link-free.

I know that some of you might think I was a little harsh on Duane Brown in my Kickoff post this morning.  DSITE, I believe, was more than a little offended.  And, you know what?  That’s fine.  I can sometimes, and freely admit, be an asshole.  That said, I want to say a couple more things about the subject.

Why am I pissed that Brown came into camp out of shape?  The subject is definitely arguable, but I believe that Matt Schaub is a playoff caliber quarterback and Rosy Rosenfels is not.  Why do I believe this?  Mostly, because Rosy’s track record really does say “Backup QB,” and, to me, Schaub hasn’t proven to be so easily type-cast.  To me, Schaub has a bigger arm, more mobility, and seems to do those warm and fuzzy leadership things that excite egocentric journalists so much.  Again, this is arguable, and it’s just my opinion.

For all intents and purposes, Brown was the starter at LT the day he was drafted.  Alex Gibbs’ shelf-life is only another season or two, and Brown is his final high-profile pet project.  Probably.  Brown must’ve known this, or at least had some non-subtle clues.  He was the one at OTAs and minicamp, after all.

This, to me, is why there was no excuse for Brown to come into camp out of shape in any way.  Yeah, it’s just 10 pounds, but it’s irrelevant.  Contract negotiations do not mean it’s OK to sit on your ass and eat your way through the Little Debbie line of products.  You are the starter, you are new to the position anyway, and you have a mighty steep learning curve in front of you.

And your primary job is to protect our starting QB’s blind side.  If Teh Schaub gets hurt, Rosy starts.  If Rosy starts, we are phucked.

It’s really that simple.

Xavier Adibi and Steve Slaton and especially Antwaun Molden (h/t Steph) are getting some serious props in camp, but it’s the one on whom we are relying the most, Mr. Duane Brown, who is out of shape.  That pisses me off.

Call me crazy (and I’ll ban your ass.  heh.), but I am going into this season being a bit more demanding about my expectations for our team.  We have a playoff caliber roster and staff, and mediocrity is no longer an option.  Either get it together, or get off the team.

Kickoff

Jul 9, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Fuck the Cowboys, I really dig my readers, Injury bug, Kickoff, National Media, Ranting, Teams that aren't the Texans

We could take up a collection.  Apparently, die-hard Cowboys fans (as well as people who don’t fuck sheep) can buy personalized stones for the walkway around the new stadium.  For $150, you get four lines of text on a brick.  I assume they will weed out shit like “TO’s mom sucks cocks in Hell” and “Hey, Romo, why don’t you die in a fire, you fucking twat?!”  So I suggest someone with a little extra cash should purchase “September 8, 2002.  19-10.  Never forget.” (h/t Deadspin)

All your ESPN are belong to Bulluck.  The Titans’ LB is going to do his best Woody Paige and be on the Leader all day long, spreading the gospel of the Titans or some shit like that.  Whatever.  I post this because Keith throws out “Yeah, we are in a smaller market and we don’t get the notoriety as a team that others do.”  Um, Keith, there is no such thing as a “small market” in football, considering there is a hard cap, total revenue sharing, and league-wide TV contracts.  Fuckin’ idiot. (h/t Eric)

Strategery.  The Texans are “working toward less injuries” this year.  Ignoring the grammatical misstep (it’s “fewer,” not “less,” goddamnit), this seems to be a solid idea.  Honestly, I can see nothing wrong with such a plan. (h/t Eric)

Top 5 Worst Offensive Texans

Jun 24, 2008 Inanity, Ranting, Sandy Vag, Top 5, Tremendous Busts

Picking up where we left off yesterday, with the same 10-start requirement in place.

5. Corey Bradford, WR. I don’t ask for a whole lot from my WRs, but I do expect things like, oh, at least 700 yards receiving or a fuckton of TDs.  I got neither from Bradford, despite all the talk that he was going to give us a true WR1.  Instead, we got 500 yards and 4.5 TDs per season for 4 years.  Asshole.

4. Todd Wade, OT. Helluva price tag for a guy who couldn’t even play RIGHT tackle very well.  It seems almost unfair to include offensive linemen in this list since we don’t know how much better they might have looked without Captain Fetal under Center, but who really cares about “fair” when you are bitching about your own team?  Perception is everything, baby!  And I perceive Wade to have been a severely overpaid turd who couldn’t block you in a game of Connect Four.

3. Jabari Holloway, TE. Ah, Jabari…the third piece of the TE shitheap (that also included Joppru and Miller).  You couldn’t catch (they dropped you and kept Billy Miller the following season), you couldn’t block (Mark Breuner looked like a god-send after you were gone), yet you started 17 games in two seasons.  Odd.

2. Seth Wand, OT. Wand paired with Wade to form the least formidable set of bookends I think I’ve ever seen.  Hell, Wand is the posterchild for the whole “The Texans Need An Offensive Line” mantra that the press has fed us for six seasons.  Or, at least, he would be the posterchild if he’d ever been good enough for non-Texans fans to remember who the hell he was.  I hate you, Seth Wand.  I hate you so very, very much.

1. David Carr, QB. As if there was any doubt who would be number one?

Also receiving votes: Jabar Gaffney, Milford Brown (and Tony Hollings would be on here for sure but for the 10-start thingie.)

***All stats again from Pro Football Reference.

Preaching To A Choir Of Heathens

Jun 23, 2008 Bloggerating, Ranting, Self-Referential Stuff, The ghost of BFD, Vince Young can't read this post

As I’m sure most of you have seen by now, Will Leitch took The Big Lead to task (kinda) in response to this LA Times article about how Buzz Bissinger’s [likely drunken] tirade against Will made bloggers change their tone and become more serious.  Will’s article was well-written, even if (as other’s have pointed out) it’s a little ironic for him to be complaining about blogs changing, given the number of writers, many of them horribly shitty, who have guest slots on Deadspin now.  After all — and I’m paraphrasing a number of comments and blog posts — selling out is selling out, no matter what the impetus, right?

But none of that is why I mentioned this whole thing in the first place.  Honestly, I don’t care about the fallout from Bissingergate at all because I don’t see that it’s had any affect on what we (or other Texans blogs) are doing.  Nor do I care about whether other sports blogs are changing their tune because, honestly, other sports blogs don’t cover the Texans enough to really draw more than a passing interest from me.  (Honestly, unless the material is (a) consistently hilarious or (b) extremely well-written, I might go weeks without reading a given blog.)

No, I bring this whole thing up because of Will’s final sentences in that article.  In a piece of advice to all bloggers, Will opines:

Just take care of your own business, figure out what you do best, pray everyone just stays out of your way and then start ripping shit up. Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.

If I were trying to sum up the mindset of DGDB&D in one sentence, that part in bold would come pretty close.  I hope BFD doesn’t mind me speaking for him here, but our goal has always been to entertain first and inform second, and I feel like we do a pretty good job of it.  There aren’t too many blogs, Texans or otherwise, that do in-depth Xs and Os talk sandwiched between fake conversations and jokes about sodomy.  Do we go a little over the top at times?  Definitely.  Is it possible that we are offending some people, including families of some of the people we write about?  Sure.  But so what?  No, seriously — why does that matter at all?  I mean, for Christ’s sake, I have a photo essay about Richard Justice that begins with a rhino having explosive diarrhea.  Do you really think there’s anything here you shouldn’t take with a huge grain of salt?

Now, I realize that, as with anything, tastes vary when it comes to blogs.  For instance, I love half of the KSK writers but can’t stand the other half, I find With Leather nearly unreadable, and I happen to think that Deadspin was best when it was just Will and Rick on a daily basis.  Your opinions may (and likely do) vary, which is totally fine by me.  Which is why I don’t understand people who feel the need to comment or email to tell me that what I’ve done is “offensive” or “rude” or “stupid as shit” or whatever.  You feel that way?  Great, more power to you…but your opinion means less to me than, apparently, mine does to you.  Why waste your e-breath writing something that is just going to get ridiculed or, more likely, ignored?  It’s not like you are going to change anything at all on this site.

I guess my point is that DGDB&D is never going to please everyone.  First, that’s more or less impossible, and, second, that would incredibly boring.  What we try to do is entertain the people who do like the site and just forget about those who don’t.  More accurately, what we try to do is bring something to the Texans blogosphere that you can’t get anywhere else.  To my way of thinking, that should be everyone’s goal.  For example, Battle Red Blog, the gold-standard of being entertaining while being informative, has cornered the market on doing in-depth features, hitting on breaking news first, and creating a comment section that is friendly and often hilarious.

Now, as a blog with a similarly-sized readership base, we could attempt to do the same thing as them or we could find another angle and try to make our site different, which is exactly what we’ve done.  By doing this, to paraphrase SOLIS, we’ve created a place that is like a local bar, where you recognize most everyone, you bullshit with your friends, you revel in the constantly stupidity, and you get into the occasional sports argument.

If we can entertain you while providing the occasional nugget of actual football insight — and if we can accomplish the whole thing through some well-written pieces — then I feel like we’ve succeeded in reaching our goal as a blog.  It may leave some things to be desired and it sure as hell ain’t for everyone, but no one is making you read it.  If you don’t like it, read something else; if you do read it, then realize that this site is the way it is for a reason.

And fuck you if you can’t take a joke.

Act III, in which our hero politely tells the villain to go fuck himself

Mar 21, 2008 Bloggerating, Dancing With the 'Tards, Putting people on notice, Ranting, Weak-ass arguments

OK, fuck it.

I was going to write the following post without naming names and without really calling anyone out for anything. My plan was to complain about blog rumor mongering in general and suggest that, maybe, if we wanted blogs to really be seen as the future of sports journalism, some of us should cite sources and try to hold ourselves to some sort of standard. I was going to be even-handed and I was going to try to keep the entire post somewhat light-hearted.

I was, but now I say fuck that noise. There is some bullshit that needs to be addressed in the Texans-centric blogosphere and I am just the asshole to fire the first shot.

Over at Chron.com–the citadel of irritating stupidity–you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone who thinks s/he is the greatest thing to ever happen to sportswriting. I suppose it was only a matter of time before that inflated sense of self-worth spilled over into the Fanblog run by Thomas Hilton.

When Hilton took over the Fanblog that had been previously run by Steph Stradley, it quickly became nothing more than a link dump. New “posts” were put up every few days consisting almost entirely of “here’s what ESPN said about the Texans” and “here’s what CNN said about the Texans” and “Oh, look at all these Texans pictures I found on GIS.” Any sort of additional analysis or insight was notably absent, meaning that a person who surfed the web could find all the same material elsewhere and not need to read Hilton’s blog. Those were the salad days, my friends.

More recently, however, Hilton has pulled a complete 180. Gone are the link dumps–actually, gone are any links to anything at all. Because, you know, it’s hard to link to something YOU JUST MADE UP.

That’s right–I’m saying that all this shit about “my sources in the NFL” or “my sources with the Texans” is nothing more than blatant, Florio-style rumor mongering. I mean, I might be going out on a limb here, but I find it highly unlikely (read: fucking impossible) that Thomas Hilton is privy to information that has eluded Len Pasquarelli and John Clayton. I find it even less likely (read: really fucking impossible) that someone who lives thousands of miles from Houston and is one of the worst writers in the Texans blogosphere would have contacts within the league and within the team that would willingly tell him things for his blog. And I find it both unlikely and curious that these sources would start offering up information right around the time the season ended and everyone’s attention turned to the rumor mills and the “what if” scenarios.

The funny thing is, if all he did was keep offering up these unfounded rumors (and vociferously defending himself as “not making anything up” in the comments), I would probably never have said anything. I mean, I would have mocked him endlessly to other bloggers, but that’s just sort of how this slightly-incestuous club rolls. No, the last straw (as it were) for me was the fact that, over the last few months, Hilton himself has gone from “unassuming blogger who realizes how fortunate he is to have his forum” to “conceited shithead who thinks he is some kind of blog rockstar.” The former version of TH was tolerable; the latter version needs to be kicked down a few pegs.

As such, allow me to thoroughly fisk his response to a reader who asked why he was so “nice” to the people who talked shit in his comments.

Uncle Jack,
I am more than capable of standing my ground and berating someone.

Congratulations.

However, I don’t really see the need to argue and do that with posters whom I have never met before and they have never met me.

Two sentences in and we already have our first instance of ridiculously bad grammar. Sadly, I don’t even think that is a new record.

It’s easier to start arguing or putting someone down when the person you are doing the berating to probably will never come in contact with the person acting like an A-hole.

Guh? So, ignoring your tortured use of the second and third person, you are saying it is easier to ridicule someone you’ll never meet? This is probably true. Of course, if someone really needs to be ridiculed–more on that theory in a bit–then whether you will ever meet that person should be irrelevant.

You see, I am not worried about my own pride being crushed because I didn’t retaliate. I am not intimidated by anyone.

Translation: I’m too much of a pussy to really lay into someone when they point out that I write like a dimwitted ten-year-old, so I am going to pretend like I am taking the moral high road. These mean commenters don’t intimidate me! I am a big deal around here! I GO TO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL!!!! I HAVE MANY LEATHER-BOUND BOOKS AND MY APARTMENT SMELLS OF RICH MAHOGANY!!!!

I view all of us as equals.

Two things: 1. No, you don’t. You like to think you are somehow superior to others because you go to Penn. Hell, you mention your school almost as much as you mention the Texans. 2. If you do view all of us as equals with respect to blogging and commenting, then you are a delusional little shit. Some blogs are better than others (note: yours is not better than any others) and some commenters are better than others. We are not all equals in this enterprise.

Usually folks that scream and argue with one another is good at times, because at least it’s communication.

Your Ph.D. is not in English, is it?

The other side of it is some folks like to argue and shout and scream because they are either very unsophisticated, low-brow, or they have very low self-esteems.

Yes, the people who like to argue on the internet do so because daddy didn’t love them enough as a child. Or–and I’m just spitballing here–maybe it’s because they disagree with what you’ve written and the fact that you come across both as a liar and smug asshole makes the commenter a little indignant.

This is what a lot of people (but nobody on this blog) don’t understand.

A lot of people don’t understand your overarching sociological theory about why some people argue on the internet? Well, please enlighten us, George Herbert Mead.

As a civilized society (humans), we all were born with this mechanism in our brains that is utilized for “constraint”.

Flaw #1: All humans are arguably born with this, but not all humans are part of a civilized society. Even tribal peoples who would not fall under any definition of civilized are, in theory, born with the same sort of internal restraint. Also, I am reasonably sure Liston and Shake were both born without such mechanisms.

It keeps us humans and our society civilized so that we don’t act on every impulse or desire that pops into our heads.

Pardon me, but what the shit does this have to do with people arguing on the internet? If we are all born with this mechanism–as you suggest we are–then the fact that people are arguing on the internet must stem from something else. I really fail to see where you are going with this, but, then, I didn’t go to Penn.

If we all acted on every impulse, it would be utter chaos and we would see the fall of our own society collapse.

“[T]he fall of our own society collapse?” The fuck does that even mean? Pull back on the hyperbole throttle, take a deep breath, figure out where you are going with this, and fucking proofread from time to time.

The reason I don’t yell back, is because I don’t need to.

And, also, because yelling at your computer doesn’t accomplish much. Also, see this primer on comma usage.

I don’t have to act like I know everything, because I don’t (not even close).

No shit.

The constant bickering and arguing on who is right and who is wrong is silly, if you sit back and actually listen to it.

Ah, yes…arguing two sides of a debate is silly. Why the hell would people want to argue a topical as trivial as sports? Don’t people appreciate that you go to Penn and, therefore, have all the insight? They should just allow you to inform them and not try to argue counter-points.

That’s kind of childish. I don’t mind debating and disagreeing on the topic at-hand, but I expect it to be done in a respectful manner for everyone on here.

So, wait. “Arguing” is bad but “debating and disagreeing” is ok? And the only difference between the two is whether you think the people involved are being respectful? That’s fucking gay. Yes, ideally you will get high discourse between two informed, civil parties and those parties will reach a mutually-agreeable conclusion. In reality, however, that shit doesn’t happen. People get worked up about sports, they get angry because they care about their team, and that anger spills out into posts from time to time.

You’ve been on this blog as an original member of this forum. Remember a year ago when I started to take over this blog and everyone on here asked why I was so polite to the negative people who took shots at me.

This should have a question mark.

I said at that time that I am a nice and polite person by nature, but I also pick my battles.

Oh my god, that’s Thomas Hilton’s music!!!!! I feel a battle coming on!

We’ll I guess the chickens have come home to roost.

All that cool shit I just said? Yeah, you ruined it with the chicken reference.

I have a list of everyone that has either shot insults at me or other readers on here or who have constantly corrected me on my grammar.

I let all of that go last year because we were just getting this blog jump-started.

How noble. Of course, you took the blog over from Steph and promptly made it shitty, but that was all part of the “jump start” strategy, I guess.

Today, we have a massive following and since I have been doing this for just over a year, I have reached almost 400,000+ visits for a 12 month span. That calculates to almost 30,000+ visits each month and 10,000+ visits each week and 1700-2000+ visits per day to our blog.

This might be the most irritating part of your entire, rambling, semi-coherent missive. You throw those numbers out there like they are a reflection of your ability or the quality of your blog, ignoring the fact that you have the only fan blog on the only website for the only daily paper in the fourth-largest city in America. If you were NOT on the Chron, you’d be lucky to crack 2000 hits a month with the way you write and the ignorant shit you post. I said it earlier, but it bears repeating–you have THE WORST TEXANS BLOG IN EXISTENCE. And it’s not even a particularly close contest.

Does that sound like sour grapes? I suppose, to a certain extent, it is. The fact that you can consistently churn out drivel and still get more hits than all the other Texans blogs combined is pretty fucking insulting. Yet, instead of realizing how fortunate you are, you are trying to get high and mighty and start laying down the law to people. Fuck that.

This could not have been possible without all of you readers doing your parts by coming in here and just either wanting some information, updates or you may have a good idea that you want to share with the rest of us.

Honestly, is writing not a pre-requisite to get into Penn?

My readers truly are the most knowledgeable and respectful people I have ever been a part of.

Correction: The readers who keep sucking your ass and telling you that you are doing great are the the knowledgeable and respectful ones. The ones who dare to argue with you are mindless assholes.

Now that we have grown so big, the people that ever put me down for trying to do my best, these people will be “officially” banned form this blog from now on.

Awesome. Now that you have “grown so big,” as if you had any fucking thing at all to do with that, you are going to ban people who have put you down? Are you ten years old? One of the very best parts of blogging is that the readers serve to let you know when you are slipping and to call you out on bullshit. I don’t think anyone put you down for TRYING to do your best; people put you down because your best seems to include unfounded rumor and mildly retarded sentence structure. That seems like a reasonable reason for putting you down, really.

Full disclosure: I realize that I banned Douchebag Tom. That was not because he was “putting me down,” however. It was because he was a mindless troll who was following me from website to website and was not willing to address any counterpoints I made. I even let his stupidity go on for a while before it became a distraction in the comments to every post. Other than that asseating shitbag, I usually welcome disagreement–the debates in the comments are where I get ideas for future posts and they help me see the light when I am offbase on something. But go ahead and silence anyone who you might find insulting, Adolf. (As for people correcting your grammar, maybe that should tell you something about you and not about the person who is correcting you. Just sayin’.)

It’s not because they disagree with me.

Bullshit.

I am not asking anyone to agree with me, but someone who’s wanting to find every little thing to criticize me about in a disrespectful way will no longer be allowed to post and will be blocked from this blog.

Oh no…whatever will those people do? I am sure the suicide rate in greater Houston will skyrocket.

I could also have them banned from ever posting on any blog on the Chron.com website.

Aren’t you a fucking badass?

It wouldn’t matter if they changed emails and names. We have a tracker of everyone’s ISP address, so there’ no way they can get one past me.

First of all, you mean “IP” address, not ISP address. That you got such a simple thing wrong tells me you probably don’t know dick about internet technology. This suspicion is verified when I see that you have completely ignored the fact that many, many people have dynamic IP addresses. So, unless you are willing to block large chunks of IPs and risk blocking people who are more than willing to suck the golden sunshine from your ass, you will fail at banning any number of people.

Trust me folks, I am not trying to show off or act like some hot-shot.

“…BUT I DO WANT TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT I GO TO PENN AND IT IS A GOOD SCHOOL AND YOU SHOULD ALL JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT I AM DEIGNING TO SHARE MY INSIDER KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU!!!!”

I just feel that since I more than happily do this blog for all of you without any compensation or complaining, I am starting to realize that I don’t deserve to be put down or ridiculed (or any other reader for that matter).

I am literally getting a headache from trying to decipher your sentences.

I sincerely do the very best I can for you all and you all know that if my responses come out as maybe I was defensive, I am and was always the first to apologize and ask what I could do take make it up to that person.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe your “best” isn’t all that great? It’s totally possible. If the Rockets put me at point guard and I got destroyed on every single possession, my claiming to have “done my best” wouldn’t really mean much, would it?

I think for the most part, I feel I am courteous and treat everyone as an equal.

And “I think for the most part,” you offer nothing but made up bullshit and that people are right to call you out on it. Giving people “just wait and see…the media will pick up on it eventually” doesn’t mean shit.

That being said, nobody deserves to be ridiculed for anything they are trying to convey.

Wrong. When you are making up rumors and/or writing in a manner that is only slightly coherent and/or showing a complete lack of football knowledge (not knowing who had signed where, not understanding why certain players are a fit for certain systems, etc.), then you do deserve to be ridiculed for these things if/when you choose to ignore the initial constructive criticism.

With the Texans finally getting better, our blog is just going to get even bigger. I was glad for this opportunity to start before the Texans got really good. The better they become, the more traffic we will get on here and more discussions will develop. PS. Sorry for the long post, Jack. I just needed to use your post as a springboard to all the readers out there. Thanks, for hanging in there with me and never given up on me! Take care. -TH

Yeah, it sure was nice of them to never “given” up on you. Goddamn.

As I see it, the best part of the team continuing to improve is that, at some point, the people in charge at Chron.com will decide “you know, we are getting a lot more traffic–maybe we should bring in a blogger that doesn’t make Richard Justice look like Ernest Hemingway.”

***

Like I said earlier, I know that some of this will come off as sour grapes. I am totally fine with that. What I am NOT fine with is some assbag getting high and mighty and pretending he is some big success when this blog, BRB, TTG, Houston Diehards, and the like put out better, more insightful content in our collective sleep than TH does at his “best.” That is horseshit.

Consider yourself on notice, fuckwad.

An Open Letter to David Carr

Mar 14, 2008 Anger, Blasphemy, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Open Letters, Ranting, Sandy Vag, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear