DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

An Open Letter to Reggie Bush

Sep 14, 2008 2006 Draft, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush shat himself, Tremendous Busts

Dear Fuckface,

When you are drafted #2 overall to play RUNNING BACK and are being held to 2.8/carry by a Redskins team that got throttled last week, you should probably not taunt as you RETURN A PUNT, even if it is for a TD.  Because doing that makes you a complete fucking douchebag; after all, you wouldn’t be returning punts if you were a three-down back. You fucking retard.

FOAD,
Matt

Breaking News: Reggie Bush still scared of Mario

Aug 14, 2008 Demarcus Faggins sucks, Reggie Bush, Reggie Bush shat himself, Secondary issues are primary, Teams that aren't the Texans

To no one’s surprise, Reggie Bush has begged out of Saturday’s game against the Texans due to an, ahem, “knee injury.”

Coach Sean Payton said that “Poor Reggie has been crying during walkthroughs all week.  We had to assign Richard Justice to follow him and clean his accidental piddles.  We believe it best for all parties that he sit out this week’s games.  The little fellow just can’t face Mario again.”*

Bush is expected to be healthy for the third preseason game and contribute his stellar 1.9 YPC to the offense.

* May or may not be true

Bad Would Be An Upgrade

Aug 4, 2008 2006 Draft, Hype, I was told there would be no math, Overrated, Reggie Bush, Stats, Tremendous Busts

Courtesy of Dave, we get the following tidbit from Fatty Starbucks about everyone’s favorite punt returner:

Saturday, July 26, New Orleans Saints camp

JACKSON, Miss. — “When you look at your first two years and you see the 3.8 yards per carry, do you want to puke?” I asked Reggie Bush, who was sitting on a golf cart on the running track surrounding the football field at Millsaps College.

Bush smiled. “Well, kind of. I want nine, 10 yards a carry. But I think the difference with me this year is I’m smarter. I realize four yards is a good run sometimes. I appreciate four yards; I’m not disappointed when I get stopped after four yards.”

I have heard this before. This is what the Saints were saying going into the 2007 season, and Bush wasn’t any more explosive in his second year. The difference this year, the Saints hope, is Bush was a workout fanatic around the New Orleans complex in the offseason, with lots of the strong-burst lifting (squats, mostly) that give a back the kind of explosion through holes we haven’t seen enough of in Bush. He’s most certainly on trial, and he feels it.

“What I did in college was not a fluke,” he said. “And the NFL will not be a fluke for me either.”

OK, first things first, the article already gives Bush too much credit: he has only averaged 3.7/carry over his career, not the 3.8 the author generously gives him.  Second, being “not disappointed” after you get stopped for four yards isn’t really the best outlook a guy can have, especially when the rumor is that he is too soft to be a real running back.  After all, Ron “Meringue” Dayne averaged 4.0/carry last year and I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was thrilled with the guy.

Now, yes, I realize that Reggie is actually saying something along the lines of “if I can always get four and then get more than that from time to time, I’ll be happy.”  Fine.  Whatever.  But here’s the rub: there is NOTHING to suggest that Bush is even capable of getting to that level.

In fact, let’s take it one step further.  Let’s get crazy.  Let’s throw this statement out there and see if it floats:

Reggie Bush is an offensive liability

There.  I said it.  What?  You want proof?  Fine.  First, some numbers, as compiled by the inimitable bfd:

Basically, every time Bush touches the ball, he is hurting his team.  The only exception to this rule was as a receiver in 2006 where his 8.4 yards/catch was higher than other Saints backs.  In other words, Bush is an offensive sinkhole.

In 2006, his 3.6 yards/rush was below that of the team without him.  In addition, most of his 2006 numbers are skewed by a single game against the Giants that single-handedly raises his yards/rush by nearly .5 yards for the entire season.

In 2007, both his yards/rush and yards/catch were well below that of the rest of the Saints’ RBs.  Only Mike Karney and Drew Brees, with their 34 combined rushes, managed worse rushing totals.  On the receiving side, even Karney’s 6.0 yards/reception were better than Bush’s horrific 5.7 yards/catch.  In fact, Bush’s yards/catch of 5.7 was third worst in the league, but he received the ball as many times as the two people below him, Willis McGahee and Ryan Grant, combined.

Bush’s 3.7 yards/rush in 2007 ranks him 38th out of 49 qualifiers, but considering that Aaron Stecker and Pierre Thomas both had more yards/rush more than Bush, Bush’s poor numbers are a likely function of his suckiness moreso than issues with the line.  (On the other hand, Adrian Peterson and Ced Benson ranked 46 and 47, respectively, which means that there was probably something more than just the RB that was impacting the rushing equation in Chicago.)

Then, one must consider from where Bush is scoring.  Of Bush’s 10 rushing touchdowns, six have been from one yard out, and only 10 and 15 yard rushes—the latter being his longest—are even in double-digit yards.  Bush has four receiving touchdowns, only one of which is longer than five yards—his 61-yarder that got endless, unnecessary replays.  As a running back, Bush is showing all the explosiveness of Tom Rathman. Which is to say, none.

If Bush isn’t the worst RB in the league, his only real competition is Cedric Benson, but that could also be a matter of offensive line play.  When compared to his peers on the Saints, Bush is clearly the worst of the bunch and pretty easily an offensive black hole on the roster.  He’s the football equivalent of Neifi Perez, a player who gets too many touches for the incredible lack of skills he brings to the field.

Here’s hoping they play him more.

Indeed, brother.

“But, hold on,” some of you must be screaming.  “That’s not fair! The Saints offense as a whole was less good in 2007 than in 2006, so of course his yards/catch fell off!”

Really?  In 2006, the Saints averaged 5.8 yards/play.  In 2007, they averaged 5.5.  They did go from first to fifth in total offense, but does that really explain a drop-off from above-average receiving threat to abysmal?  I think not.

Besides, a swing of .3 yards/play is far from uncommon.  The Colts had a .4 yard drop-off last year.  The Chargers lost .7.  And so on, and so forth.  Small flutuations happen, even in the league’s best offenses.  30 yards per game (the Saints’ loss) is not a huge deal and it definitely does not explain how the World’s Greatest Weapon loses 2.7 yards/catch.

But wait, there’s more!  Some more numbers, this time courtesy of me.

Saints’ overall yards/play in 2007: 5.5
Saints’ yards/play on plays where Reggie touched the ball: 4.8
Saints’ yards/play on plays were he did not touch the ball: 5.8

Saints’ yards/carry overall: 3.7
Bush’s yards/carry overall: 3.7
Other Saints’ RBs yards/carry: 3.9

Other Saints’ yards/catch: 10.6
Saints’ yards/catch overall: 6.8
Bush’s yards/catch overall: 5.7

Filed under “Hmm, Things That Make You Go.”  OK, now I hear some of you saying that the loss of Deuce McAllister is why Bush’s yards/catch went down.  It’s some argument like “well, without Deuce in there to keep people honest, teams could key on Bush.”  Whatever you say, chief.

Oh, except for this: In 2007, when Deuce was out, Bush averaged 6.1 yards/catch.  When Deuce was in (or “loose,” if you will), even for part of the game, Bush put up 5.0 yards/catch. Not the greatest sample sizes, I know, but it still makes that Deuce argument seem questionable.

As an aside, I should throw in that the whole “teams had to account for Deuce” argument strikes me as particularly silly.  If McAllister, who averaged a whopping 4.3 yards/carry in 2006, had that much effect on the offense as a whole (and Bush in particular), don’t you think you’d see a marked drop-off in the Saints’ offensive production when Deuce didn’t play?  Yet, as we already covered, any drop-off was nigh negligible and is just as easily explained by “Reggie Bush brings everyone’s averages down.”

Also, to those who would suggest that Marques Colston’s yards/catch also dropped by 2.5 yards, so there must have been something bigger at play, I have three counter-arguments. First, Colston was an unknown when he entered the league in 2006 and, as such, he did not face CB1s on a regular basis, at least at first. By the start of 2007, he was the biggest threat (by far) in the passing game and, as such, was always defended by the opponents’ best CBs.  Second, Colston had 28 more catches in 2007, which would make it more difficult to keep up a ridiculous 14.8 yards/catch.  (Hell, Randy Moss averaged 15.2 in his record-breaking season last year. 14.8 is great. Only four WRs last season had as many catches as Colston and had a higher yards/catch.) Third, while Bush’s performance was so bad that it pulled the team’s yards/play down to 5.5 (remember, it was 5.8 when he didn’t touch the ball), the team only averaged 4.8 yards/play when Colston didn’t touch the ball, so comparing his drop to Reggie’s drop is not exactly apples-to-apples.

So, that’s it, right?

Of course not.  We would be remiss if we didn’t also throw the following numbers at you:

Reggie’s 8 total fumbles were tops among non-QBs and his 7 rushing fumbles were tops among everyone.

Reggie’s 10 dropped passes (in 12 games) tied him for third in the league (and tied him with people who played 16 games).

The claims about the Saints’ offensive lines woes are likely overblown, as they ranked between 7th and 11th overall in 2007, depending on who you ask.

Behind that line, Reggie Bush ranked 56th out of 56 according to Football Outsiders’ DPAR (Defense-Adjusted Points above Replacement). His DPAR of -8.9 means, in short, that he was worth 8.9 points less than the average NFL backup RB.

Reggie’s career-long run remains at 25 yards.  25.  Cedric Benson has a career long of 43 and he’s trying to find a job right now.  Benson also had at least one run over 30 yards every year in the league.

SO…what does all this mean?  At this point, I am not willing to go all out an call him a bust.  That said, however, I will point out that RB is generally agreed to be, by far, the easiest position to transition to from college.  DEs and QBs can take three or four years to develop (though Mario is certainly ahead of the curve), while many RBs can and do play well from the jump.  Reggie, on the other hand, has not even consistently put up numbers worthy of Blair Thomas.

His numbers do track fairly well with Eric Metcalf, however.  So he’s got that going for him.  Which is nice.

Kickoff

Jun 30, 2008 Cool dudes with cool cars, Fluff, Kickoff, Please let the season start soon, Reggie Bush

So, you’re saying we’re not the only ones who noticed? Great post on Mario Williams v. Bush and Young, including some potshots at Lil’ Dickie Justice, age 12, and Bill Simmons.  Oh, and Dr. Z, who I am reasonably sure is not really a doctor.  Money quote: “In a league that has been called modern day gladiator combat, isn’t having the most physically dominating gladiator worth something more than constant derision?”  (H/T Eric)

Sticking with Mario.  As a counter-point to last week’s David Carr pictures (which, by the way, never stop being funny), Mario Williams illustrates how to be awesome.  1. Arrive in Hummer stretch limo.  2. Dress like a normal human.  3. Rock a watch that costs more than most cars.  4. Ignore the small white man who is groping your bicep.

Yes, please! Finally, because I can’t find much news this morning, here are your Houston Texans cheerleaders to dance us on out of this post:

If he’s lucky

Jun 5, 2008 2006 Draft, Awesomeness, Overexposure, Overrated, Reggie Bush

Somehow, in the hullaballoo yesterday, I managed to forget to post this.

Anyway, courtesy of reader Vega, comes ESPN’s list of NFL players who need a strong 2008 to rebound from a shitacular 2007. Guess who’s on there.

Go ahead, guess.

Oh, but it gets better. From the article: “A scout once declared Bush a Marshall Faulk clone. He’s starting to look more like the second coming of Eric Metcalf.”

Now that’s funny. But it’s even funnier when you think about a certain song parody from last September, wherein I wrote:

Good morning NFL, how are you?
Don’t you know me I’m the chosen one,
I’m the running back they call The Next Gale Sayers,
But, I’ll be returning punts in Cleveland by the time I’m done.

(Full disclosure: Tim gets credit for the original nicknaming of Bush as “Eric Metcalf, Jr.” I just ran with it.)

Even if the hole is big enough to drive a truck through

May 27, 2008 2006 Draft, Horribly obvious jokes, Reggie Bush, You'd like to think I was joking

Apparently, Kim Kardashian thought it would be funny to tell the press she was pregnant with Reggie Bush’s kid.  (Note to female readers:  This is never, ever, EVER even slightly funny.)

As for the sparkling ring she was wearing, Kardashian told PEOPLE Magazine, “I’m about two months pregnant right now and we’re getting married on August 8th of 2008.”

Bush reportedly appeared shocked until Kim added, “Its a joke.”

If the media involved believed this even for a second, I can only assume they were all E! News reporters and shit like that; any football writer worth his salt would know Bush can’t hit the hole with enough authority to get anyone pregnant.

His mediocrity is faster than your mediocrity

Apr 14, 2008 2006 Draft, 2008 Season, Reggie Bush, Tremendous Busts

The headline says it all:

Bush wants greater success.

Yeah, it seems that the World’s Most Overrated Punt Returner™ is looking to improve.  Or, perhaps more accurately, he is looking to make people re-buy into the hype that he doesn’t suck.

“Now I’ve got to come and have an equal or better year [than what Chris Paul is having for the Hornets],” Bush said. “I’ve got to get the crowd chanting MVP.”

Riiiight.  That’s what it takes?  A friend who plays a different sport having a good year has motivated you?  Whatever it takes, I guess.  Well, I assume that this means you’ll be there bright and early for every single practice to really work on the myriad weaknesses in your game?

Bush, who made only a cameo appearance at the Saints’ offseason program last year, said he plans on participating most of the time.

“These last two years I definitely learned a lot,” Bush said. “I feel like I’m maturing. That’s what it’s all about — maturing and learning and going through life’s experiences and football.

“It’s the right thing to do, to be here and working out with my teammates. I’m going to be here as much as possible, as much as I can. I won’t make every workout, but I’ll definitely be here for a majority of the workouts.”

This–along with being too much of a Mangina to run between the tackles–is why you are an overrated sack of suck.  You start the article talking about how you want to have an MVP-caliber year and you really want to have a breakout season, but you immediately remind the reader that you only want these things so long as it doesn’t interfere with shooting Pepsi commercials and/or fucking Kim Kardashian.  (Note: Ray Jay was there before you and he had no problem hitting the hole with authority.  You might want to study that tape as well.)

It’s no secret that we here at DGDB&D think very, very little of Reggie Bush.  In fact, the only thing we do think about him is “boy am I glad we didn’t draft THAT dude.”  Still, every now and then, he finds a way to make me like him even less.  This is one of those times.

Little Dickie Justice, age 12, still doesn’t get it

Apr 10, 2008 2006 Draft, Anger, Broken Record, Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Little Dickie Justice, Reggie Bush, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Vinsanity, age 12

Promoted from our boards, the awesomest thing ever on the internetz. Evar.

According to kozanack, who gets today’s award for raising my blood pressure, Little Dickie Justice was on the radio yesterday and…well, I’ll let koz tell his own story:

I was driving along today, channel surfing on my car radio, and sort of half way paying attention to the blather. Suddenly I realized the host (Justice) was trashing the Texans because they had the opportunity to increase the level of interest in pro football with the casual fan here in Houston, but screwed the pooch. He followed that by saying that Drayton and Les Alexander had confided in him that the Texans would be on top of the sports world here in Houston in only they had taken Vince or even Reggie instead of Mario. Then he went on to say one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.

He said that even though last year Mario clearly outperformed both Reggie and Vince, Vince was the right pick at the time, and the Texans blew it. He went on to say that even if Mario turns out to the best decision in the long term, Vince was the right choice at the time, so the Texans blew it. Basically, even if Vince bombs, anyone other than Vince was the wrong choice, especially Mario.

I think the first thing we should all be is thankful that Justice does not have any actual influence on our football decision-makers.

Matt and I have lamented before on Little Dickie Justice’s obvious homo-erotic man-crush on VY, not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that. Just because I think Maria Sharpova is gorgeous does not de facto mean that she’s the best tennis player in the world. But that seems to be about 51% of Justice’s argument (Maria, call me!).

The other 49% seems to be, and this is more speculation than anything, that because Vince is a hometown hero, he would be better from a marketing standpoint. Now, of course, this completely discredits whatever Reggie Bush argument he might have, but I’m trying to pry open a walnut-sized mind here, so give me a break.

Back to Vince. Drafting Vince would’ve been, specifically, a marketing ploy. This means that this second half of Justice’s argument is that marketing is much more important than winning. Now, I could go back and do a regression analysis of the relation between winning and attendance, but as fans, we don’t need that analysis. We already know better: winning teams put fannies in seats. Period.

Could you imagine an offense with 2 INT to 1 TD Young? Heck, let’s say we drafted both Young and Bush and his awesome 3.7 YPC and complete inability to run between the tackles (a kinda necessity in a zone blocking scheme, donchaknow). What would you guess for a record? 3-13? 2-14? Again, be thankful Justice isn’t in charge of these decisions.

What bothers me most, I think, is that it exposes Houston’s traditional print media as a bunch of moronic crybabies who are still pouting three years later that they didn’t get their way. As I’ve said before: if I was wrong every day of my life and didn’t understand the basic concepts of my job, I would lose my job instantly.

Little Dickie: you were wrong then, you are wrong now. There’s no way you can rationalize this one to your advantage, and every time you open your mouth, you embarrass yourself. Mario > VY + Bush. The end.

And I just had to get the following on our front page, courtesy and permission of DiehardChris:

Well done, Chris.  Well done.

Super

Jan 7, 2008 2006 Draft, Awards, Awesomeness, Pro Bowl 2008, Reggie Bush, Super Mario, Vinsanity

So, I’ve been a little lax in my posting of Texans news. Apologies and whatnot.

Lest I be seen as a total slacker, however, allow me to point out that not only was Mario Williams named Defensive Lineman of the Year (up yours, Haynesworth), he also received a vote for Defensive Player of the Year and will likely receive the same number of Offensive Player of the Year votes as Reggie Bush and Vince Young combined.

The Northern Lights? At this time of year, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?

Dec 26, 2007 2008 Draft, 2008 Season, Beer, Holiday posts, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Reggie Bush, Rumors, Self-Referential Stuff, Spanish, The Future, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

There is something about the first day of really shitty weather each winter that makes me bust out the old guitar and waste the afternoon. As I was playing today, however, I thought to myself, “I really don’t do this often enough…I should make a New Year’s resolution to play more often!”

Anyway, lameness of my inner conversations aside, I was struck by the fact that no one ever seems to make resolutions that reflect the hedonistic, self-destructive, and questionably-legal things they actually want to do. All we ever hear are “I want to lose weight” and “I want to learn a foreign language” and “I want to catch up on my child support.” Where are the “I will have much more meaningless sex” and “I will drink my body weight in bourbon weekly” that would actually please us if we carried through with them? Think about it–if someone gave you the choice between learning Spanish or having sex with 40 members of the gender of your choosing, which would you pick? Si usted dijo el “Spanish,” usted es un mentiroso. [Author's note: my Spanish sucks.]

To that end, I present the first annual DGDB&D New Year’s Blogolutions. In 2008, I will:

• use the words “fuck” and its derivatives (fucknut, fuckstick, fucktard, etc.) more often.
• make at least one post questioning the heterosexuality of random players and coaches each month.
• continue to mock David Carr and laugh at his failures, even as he becomes less and less relevant to Texans fans.
• continue to make bets of liquor with people I have never met. (Hopefully, I will win one at some point.)
• make a trip to Austin next season to watch a game and get as drunk as possible with people I met on the internet.
• embrace the dorkiness inherent in blogging. And then molest it.
• push fake conversations to the point that someone sends me a cease and desist letter.
• run better between the tackles than Reggie Bush.
• maintain my dominance in Google searches for “Filipino tranny porn” and try to improve my ranking for “houston bukkake parties” and “texans blog.”
• create wildly speculative pre-draft rumors, and proclaim my brilliance for any that might come true.
• convince myself by February that the Texans will make the playoffs in 2008.

Feel free to leave yours in the comments.

Hula Dancing 101 (3 credit hours) Instructor: Prof. Mario Williams.

Dec 14, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Awesomeness, Black Salaami, Curious Coaching, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Jerome Mathis got hurt reading this, Morlon Greenwood, Posts that list too many players, Reggie Bush, Rosie Rosenfels, The Future, The Schaub Experiment, Undrafted Free Agent watch list, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

It wasn’t that long ago that Comcast cable decided to slip on the old sandpaper condom and bend me over by moving the NFL Network from basic cable to the “Sports Entertainment Package” and charging extra if I wanted to watch it. I have to say…that was the best extortion I’ve ever been victim to. In all honesty, following last night’s impressive win, I would have paid five times as much for the NFL Network. [Author's Note: If anyone at Comcast reads this and bumps the price up, I'll fucking blow your shit up. For real.]

Anyway, what you witnessed last night–from the pitch-perfect opening drive to the Mario Williams show–was the most complete and most dominant game your Houston Texans have ever played. Ohmygoditsbulletedlisttime!!!!

• Like you don’t know where I am going to start. Mario Williams–excuse me, SUPER Mario Williams–is a bad motherfucker. He’s like Shaft, but with a better 40 time. Who’s the defensive end/ that just sacked Cutler again?/ MARIO!/I can dig it. Seriously, though…wow. As one of roughly nine people in the world who liked the Mario pick from day one, watching last night’s game gave me a weird sense of satisfaction. 13 sacks on the season, our single-season and career sack leader (besting immortals Jeff Posey and Kailee Wong, respectively), and, by all accounts, a great guy and an emerging lockerroom leader? Fuck Reggie Bush.
• How great was that first drive to watch? The line held up well, Darius Walker ran just enough to make the play-action make sense, and Andre Johnson had his way with the Denver DBs. Seeing how much Andre’s mere presence changes this team, there are a whole lot of “what ifs” about this season that revolve around him not missing eight games. After all, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say his presence would have been worth at least one more win, possibly two. Atlanta? Tennessee? Indy? How much different is this year if he’d stayed healthy Kubiak hadn’t allowed him to get hurt?
• Morlon Greenwood continues to be the most underrated player on this defense. 12 tackles, solid in both pass and run defense, and a couple big hits. I don’t know about you, but I will take that out of my Will every single Sunday. Or Thursday.
• Two dropped INTs aside, this patchwork secondary continues to play miles above their heads. That play Jamar Fletcher made in the endzone was as good a recovery as you’ll see. Fred continues to develop nicely. Smoove Will might have butter fingers, but he is hitting people like they are standing between him and sweet virgin ass. Girl ass, even. Getting Petey out of there and getting the defense to blitz (more on that in a second) has made all the difference in the world for this unit. When (if?) Dunta comes back healthy, he and Bennett should be a better one-two punch than we’ve ever had. Or, if we really want to give me a raging boner, we could sign Nnamdi Asomugha and let Dunta play free safety, where he could hit people and go after the ball without worrying that the surgically repaired leg was going to hamper him in one-on-one coverage. Just sayin’.
• If you are Rick Smith, don’t you HAVE to sign Andre’ Davis to a multi-year deal with some guaranteed money and just tell Jerome Mathis not to let the door hit him on the way out (lest it break his fragile spine)? Davis was fantastic in the receiving game when Johnson was out and he’s become a kick return ninja of late. Why not ink him?
• Mario Williams. Just wanted to mention him again.
• ND Kalu…nice to see you again!
• Whether or not you are on the Sell Sage bandwagon, you have to admit that he did nothing at all to hurt his value last night. He even offered the slowest bootleg TD run in history and capped it off with a Special Olympics bronze-winning dive.
• I have no idea how he did it, but Ephraim Salaam managed to make Elvis Dumervil a non-factor last night. If you’d given me 100-1 odds that Salaam would pull that off, I still wouldn’t have touched it. That was beyond surprising.
• Early in the second quarter, a friend of mine in NY turned on the game and, almost immediately, sent me a text saying “was that a Texans blitz?!” You bet your ass it was. Over the last two weeks, this defense has worked straight linebacker blitzes (especially using Charlie Anderson off the edge) and zone blitzes with Anthony Weaver and/or Anthony Maddox dropping into coverage to fill the holes. Now, I ain’t sayin’ that the powers-that-be read my little truck stop/strip joint on the information superhighway, but I am pretty sure I’ve seen this before. Now…how is it that it took them 13 weeks to figure this out?
• As with any game, win or lose, there were some things that still need to be fixed. First, Jacoby Jones–seriously, what the fuck? How can he be Dante Hall in the preseason and Dante Hicks in the regular season? Second, can someone PLEASE explain to me why Vonta Leach is getting so many looks in the passing game? General rule: Your run blocking FB getting a one-yard TD run? Acceptable. Your run blocking FB getting a 23-yard pass thrown his way on a skinny post route? No gracias, amigo.
• It feels weird to be this far into a recap without having mentioned DeMeco Ryans. Playing on a bum wheel, he notched six tackles and was a half-step short of getting a sack. Meaning he is better with a bad ankle than a lot of linebackers are at 100% health.
• Finally, kudos to Darius Walker and Ron Dayne on a very productive night running the ball. 24 carries for 143 yards and a TD is something we’ll take from the running game every single week. I am right at the point where I feel like we should keep the Dayne Trayne around next year as our RB2. Preferably behind Michael Turner or Felix Jones.

So, that’s that. 7-7 with two potentially brutal games upcoming. It could be better. It could be a lot worse. Fuck it…bring on the Colts.

Let’s not carve that bronze bust just yet

Dec 7, 2007 2006 Draft, Athletes who don't stab people, Cool dudes with cool cars, Overrated, Reggie Bush, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans

As if it wasn’t painfully obvious from the weekly Moments of Zen, I do not much care for Reggie Bush. I fully admit that he was a bad ass in college–the best money could buy!–but I was never sold on the idea of him being the next Gayle Sayers. On top of which, I just didn’t like the guy because he seemed like a moody prima donna.

So, when I checked my email this morning and saw that reader Eric had emailed me this article, I couldn’t help but smile. It seems that even Saints fans are beginning to have doubts about Reggie.

Some choice quotes:

[W]ith Deuce McAllister’s knees becoming more unreliable with each tear, the spotlight has fallen on Reggie Bush. And he’s dropped the ball, literally and figuratively. And now the Saints have to worry about acquiring another running back this year.

[A]s he approaches the end of his second year (sans any big plays this year, or medium plays for that matter), it’s time to acknowledge the fact that Bush has been at best an incredible disappointment, at worst a flat-out bad player who’s threatening locker room morale.

It started this past offseason, when there were much muted rumblings that some Saints veterans didn’t appreciate Bush missing workout time to film some of his umpteenth commercials in California. And it’s bled into this season, one in which Bush has regressed noticeably.

With 14 seconds left in that game and the Saints in possession with a (very remote) chance of victory, Bush was already halfway to the locker room; Sean Payton had to furiously chase after him to pull him back to the sideline.

His roster spot is in no danger for at least two years, and I have faith that one day he’ll be a superstar. I just hope that day isn’t after he’s burned his bridges with the Saints.

I like that last one the best, because it sounds like a Saints fan trying to convince himself one last time that the pick wasn’t bad on its face–that the problem lies solely in Bush’s attitude. Color me unconvinced. You have a guy who:

1. (a) has been handed everything his entire life, from houses and money while in college to millions in endorsements before he ever took an NFL handoff;
2. (b) basically decided that it should be up to him where he played and that he didn’t want to play in Houston, so he made it clear that he was going to be a pain in the ass to sign if Houston did take him;
3. (c) did not even show the ability to be a feature back in college and was noticeably absent near the end of both national championship games;
4. (d) has shown zero ability or willingness to run between the tackles (something that is kind of important in the NFL) or to set up his blocks, and who is seemingly oblivious to the fact that he is not fast enough to get to the outside on every single play;
5. (e) has, since the injury to Deuce McAllister, been nothing short of horrid in many games, with poor rushing totals, tons of fumbles, and almost no touchdowns; and
6. (f) has become a locker room cancer because he refuses to be a part of the team or admit when something is his fault.

That doesn’t sound to me like someone who is going to “be a superstar” any time soon. Unlike certain defensive ends who recently broke the team’s single season sack record and could conceivably break the team career record in the next game. I’ve said it before, I’m saying it now, and undoubtedly I’ll say it again soon, but picking Mario Williams was without question the right move.

Your “Reggie Bush, Feature Back” moment of zen

Dec 3, 2007 2007 Season, Inanity, Reggie Bush, Stats

13 carries for 64 yards, 3 catches for 13 yards, 0TD, 2 Fumbles.

Note: Second fumble with 3:36 left in the game set up Tampa Bay’s game-winning TD drive.

Your “Reggie Bush, Feature Back” moment of zen

Nov 25, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Inanity, Reggie Bush, Stats

9 carries for 32 yards, 3 catches for 30 yards, 0 TD.

In a game where the Saints scored FOUR offensive TDs.

After further review

Nov 19, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Andre Johnson, Matt Turk rules, Owen Daniels is a big ol' Pimp, Reggie Bush, Righteous Indignation, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario

Regardless of how good it felt to watch our defense slap Reggie Bush around like he stole something, the most important thing about yesterday’s game was that it got us back to .500. This seems obvious, but consider the implications–a win meant that we needed to go 3-3 over the last six, while a loss forced us to go 4-2 if we were to break even on the year. Considering both our schedule and how we’ve played thus far, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that 3-3 seems infinitely more likely than 4-2. Thankfully, we don’t have to think about that today.

What we do get to think about is all the things that went right yesterday. IT’S BULLETED LIST TIME!!!!

• Andre m.f. Johnson. Welcome back, sir. Regardless of how well Apostrophe and K-Dub and the gang played in Johnson’s absence, one need only look at that gorgeous 73-yard TD strike to realize just how much AJ means to this offense. A person would not be incorrect in assuming that a healthy AJ for the entire season would have meant at least one more win (Atlanta? Tennessee? INDY???) and possibly more. Of course, this realization only increases my annoyance with Gary Kubiak for having Johnson on the field in the fourth quarter of a blowout at Carolina. Somehow, this has managed to be swept under the rug by the mainstream media–probably because they ignore us in general–but that lack of action by Kubiak towers over his clock-management skills in terms of how much it hurt us.
• Mario Williams. Dear Richard Justice, Eat poop. Sincerely, Mario Williams. I mentioned it yesterday, but six tackles (4 of which were on Reggie Bush) and a sack/forced fumble for Mario would be good in any game, but in a game like this, where he was under a national microscope, that’s out-freakin’-standing. (Speaking of the national spotlight, not to play the Rodney Dangerfield card again, but it’s indicative of the lack of respect we get nationally that people weren’t talking very loudly about how Mario outplayed Reggie; after all, were the roles reversed and Reggie the better player yesterday, NFL writers would have been all over it. Whatever.)
• Ron Dayne. Seriously? No, I mean, for really serious? I fail to understand the enigmatic pastry that is Ron Dayne. How can he cut back against blocks and sneak through holes for the occasional big run, yet not be able to get a 4th and 1? He weighs 245 pounds for christsakes. And why does Andre Ware keep telling me that Dayne is a “power runner?” Power runners get that single yard and fall forward; Dayne is merely a surprisingly quick fat guy. Still, nice performance yesterday, Krispy Kreme.
• Reggie Bush. Thanks for the two fumbles, douche nozzle.
• Owen Daniels. Two questions: How do you break your nose while wearing a football helmet and how bad ass do you have to be to play the game with a broken nose? I have no answer for the first one, but the answer to the second is “as bad ass as Owen Daniels.” Also, he got shafted on the fumble call (more on that in a minute), so his day of 5 catches for 72 yards with a broken nose was even better than it appears.
• Defensive line. Richard Smith continues to adhere to his “ewww, blitzes are yucky” philosophy, but the defensive line stepped up big yesterday. They had backfield penetration all day and even got a sack on a QB who had been sacked the league’s fewest times. They combined for 19 total tackles, 1 sack, and two forced fumbles. You can’t ask for much more than that without bringing some extra bodies. Of course, this performance shows that there is real talent in that front four, which leads me to believe that, in addition to avoiding blitzes like Karen Carpenter avoided cake, Richard Smith is having problems motivating his players. I know, I know…”they are professionals, so they shouldn’t need outside motivation.” Probably true, but they are also reasonably young, unaccustomed to winning consistently, constantly maligned by jerkwad Chronicle writers, and having to do the pass rushing duties entirely on their own, so offering some motivation and trying to get guys fired up might be necessary for a year or two. Hell, Mario played like a man possessed yesterday, almost certainly because he had the Reggie thing to spur him on. The other guys picked up on that, too. The defensive coordinator needs to at least try to light that kind of fire under his players week in and week out.
• Offensive line. Hmm…at the beginning of the year, when they looked really good, Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were healthy. Yesterday, when they again looked good, Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were healthy. Interesting. Still, they only allowed one sack and Schaub seemed to have enough time to go through his reads most of the afternoon. Kudos, large men.
• Matt Schaub. In addition to hitting Johnson and going through his reads well, Schaub also fired a laser to Joel Dreessen in the back of the endzone. I know a certain gloved QB who could not have made that throw even in practice.
• The secondary. For a group that was supposed to give up roughly 575 yards passing yesterday, they looked pretty damned good. Von Hutchins got himself an INT, just to show Stephanie that she was wrong about him, and the other guys played well pretty much start to finish. Who woulda thunk it?
• Kris Brown. If a story came out today that alleged Kris Brown was a ninja from the future, I would buy it completely.
• Matt Turk. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Other things worth thinking about, but from a not-so-happy point of view:

• Adimchinobe Echemandu. 1 carry, 1 fumble lost, -3 fantasy points for me. I fear I might have believed too highly in the talent of Joe Echema. Please prove me wrong, Joe. Please.
• Mike Carey and his Crew of Assclowns. OK…someone please tell me how in the hell a crew can consistently get every single call wrong. How is this possible? Even worse, how does the official get the part of a play being challenged wrong? OF COURSE Daniels lost the ball, tick turd; that’s not what you were supposed to be looking at. And the fumble Mario caused, where you just assumed after the fact that New Orleans had possession? How did that work? Oh, and what about the numerous times no one felt the need to flag illegal linemen down field? Do we not call that one anymore? I’m glad we won, just so this doesn’t sound like sour grapes, but that was an absolutely wretched job. Unfortunately, that was also the norm for a Mike Carey crew.
• Umm…I think that’s about it.

5-5. I’ll take it.

The more things change…

Nov 19, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Fuck the Cowboys, Houston Chronicle, Reggie Bush, Self-Referential Stuff, Super Mario, The Future

February 7, 2038

Television Announcer: …and, with that, the Houston Texans are Super Bowl Champions for the fourth time in franchise history! For head coach Sage Rosenfels, this victory has to be extra sweet. Let’s head down to the Erin Andrews’ Robot Clone for an interview with the Super Bowl LXII MVP, defensive back DeMarcus Faggins, Jr .

Me: (turning off TV) Computer.

Computer: Yes, handsome?

Me: Dictate blog post.

Computer: Ready.

Me: And so, it came to pass that, on this seven–

Grandson #1: (running in from other room) Grandpa! Grandpa! We won!!

Grandson #2: Tell us about the old Texans, grandpa!

Me: Ok, ok. Calm down. What do you guys want to hear about?

Grandson #2: Mario Williams!

Grandson #1: Andre Johnson!

Me: Well, I can do that. In fact, I think I can tell you about both of them at once. (reclining into virtual chair) The year was 2007. Things were veeerrry different back then.

Grandson #2: What do you mean?

Me: Well, for one thing, kids were not sponsored by corporations, so your name would just be “George” instead of “Home Depot presents George.”

Grandson #1: And my name wouldn’t have “presented by Massengil” in it?

Me: Exactly. And another thing–Senator Sean Preston Federline was just a little white-trash toddler being neglected by his mom. Only we saw it every single day on national TV. It was her OD on Red Bull and Marlboro Lights in 2009 that really saved Sean.

Grandson #2: Wow! What were the Texans like?

Me: Well, back in 2007, they were still looking for their first winning season. They had gotten rid of David Carr–

Grandson #1: The gay actor?

Me: Yep, but this was before he came out of the closet and started dating Tony Romo. Anyway, they’d finally gotten rid of him and they’d traded for Matt Schaub, who would later go on to become the mayor of Houston. Even though things were looking up, though, the team was still taking a lot of flack from the media for taking Mario Williams in the 2006 draft over this guy named Reggie Bush.

Grandson #2: The media? You mean blogs?

Me: No, George, I mean print media. You see, back then, newspapers were actually sold in paper form instead of being delivered over email. And the writers at the Houston Chronicle, which doesn’t exist anymore, were constantly bashing Mario Williams. This one asshole–excuse me–this one jerk, Richard Justice, was continually making up lies and trying to convince people that Mario was awful. Years later, Justice was arrested for trafficking in Ethiopian child porn. Really strange case, that one.

Anyway…it happened in 2007 that the New Orleans Saints–this was before New Orleans sank into the Gulf and the team moved to Utah–came to Houston with both teams sporting 4-5 records. This was the big “Mario versus Reggie” matchup people were waiting for. To add to the drama, though, Andre Johnson had been injured since week 2 and was returning for this game. Oh, and our secondary had lost all sorts of players, including Hall of Famer Dunta Robinson.

Well, the media–remember, this was before blogs like mine and “Tim’s Battle Red Blogging Extravaganza presented by Old Crow” had really taken off–were predicting that Reggie would run all over our defense, that Mario would be a non-factor, and that Matt wouldn’t have time to even look for Andre Johnson.

Grandson #1: What happened?!

Me: Pretty much everything that they thought would not happen. Matt hit Andre on a 73 yard TD early in the game. Our secondary knocked down a bunch of passes and came up with some key interceptions. Mario had 6 tackles and a sack. And Reggie was awful, fumbling twice and averaging around two yards per carry.

Grandson #2: Ewww. That’s awful.

Me: Tell me about it. That game really marked the beginning of the end for Bush. Within three years, he was a punt returner for the Cleveland Browns.

Grandson #1: What happened with the Texans?

Me: Well, they wound up .500 in 2007, made the playoffs for the first time in 2008 and, in February 2011, won their first Super Bowl by defeating the San Francisco 49ers in the Cowboys new stadium. Your uncle Rupert was conceived later that same night in a hotel room in Arlington after a few too many dri–um, err, I mean… it’s bedtime, fellas. Go kiss grandma goodnight.

Grandson #2: Goodnight, grandpa.

Me: Computer.

Computer: Yes, magnificent one?

Me: Scratch the last post. I’m tired; just use the old “fake conversation” template and mail one in.

Computer: As you wish. Fuck the Cowboys.

Your "Reggie Bush, Feature Back" moment of zen

Nov 18, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Inanity, Reggie Bush, Stats, Super Mario

15 carries for 34 yards (2.27/carry), 12 catches for 70 yards, 2 Fumbles Lost

(Just for the hell of it: Mario Williams 6 tackles, 1 sack, 1 forced fumble, in on 4 tackles that limited Bush to 5 total yards)

And, with that, the waters parted and all of my sane readers ran away

Nov 16, 2007 Batman, Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fake Conversations with Biblical Characters, Injury bug, National Media, Reggie Bush, Reservoir Dogs, Tempting Fate, Too far?

Sports Bar in Heaven, 6 Kislev 5768 (Heaven does not buy into the Gregorian calendar)

God: (to other people at his table) …this was during the Los Angeles marijuana drought of 1986. I still had a connection. Which was insane, ’cause people couldn’t get weed anyfuckinwhere then. Anyway, I had a connection with this hippie chick up in Santa Cruz and all my friends knew it. And they’d give me a call and say, “Hey, God…hey, dude, you gettin’ some, you think you could get me some too?” They knew I smoked, so they’d ask me to buy a little for them when I was buying for myself. But it got to be that everytime I bought some weed, I was buyin for four or five different people. Finally I said, “Fuck this shit.” I’m makin’ this bitch rich. She didn’t have to do jack shit; she never even had to meet these people. I was doin’ all the work…then that got to be a pain in the ass. People called me on the phone all the fuckin’ time. I couldn’t rent a fuckin’ tape without six fucking phone calls interrupting me. “Hey, when’s the next time you’re gettin’ some?” “Motherfucker, I’m tryin to watch The Lost Boys! When I have some, I’ll let you know.” And then these rinky-dink pot heads come by–they’re my friends and everything, but still, y’know? I got all my shit laid out in sixty dollar bags. They don’t want sixty dollars worth. They want ten dollars worth. Breaking it up is a major fuckin pain in the ass. I don’t eve–

St. Peter: (interrupting) Sorry dude, but you need to see this. (conjures up magical heavenly computer monitor out of mid-air) It seems a blogger has been writing prayers to you in the hopes that you would heal and/or hurt certain professional football players.

God: Son of a bitch. I swear to Me, this is all because that assbag Jon Kitna has convinced people that I care about football. Why am I supposed to give two shits about the outcome of NFL games? The only thing the NFL is good for is helping me figure out which people have no shot at Heaven. Oh, speaking of, what’s the latest on Mike Vick?

St. Peter: Sentencing in December; still on the “get anally fisted in Hell” list. But, that’s not why I showed you this, though. It appears that this blogger, a “Matt Campbell,” decided that you were ignoring his prayers, so he began offering the same to some Hindu god.

God: WHAT?! Jesus Christ!

Jesus: (jumping up) Yeah, dad?!

God: It’s just an expression; sit down. (turns back to Peter) A Hindu god, huh? How did that work out for him?

St. Peter: Well, that’s just it. He prayed that a “Petey Faggins” would be removed from the starting lineup and, sure enough, it happened! I guess I don’t have to tell you that this has caused a few whispers among the living.

God: Fuck no, you don’t need to tell me! I’m omnipotent, asshole!

Job: Then how did you not already know about this?

God: Better question, smart guy–why are you going to walk with a limp for eternity? (smites Job’s knee) Talk to me, Peter. What do I need to do?

St. Peter: That’s the good news. The Texans are playing the Saints this weekend and, were you to see fit to injure a certain running back, I think you’d re-convert some of the doubters. You just have to tweak his knee a little bit, maybe give him a tor–

God: I’m on it. (smites Ahman Green, rendering him inactive for Sunday’s game)

St. Peter: NO!!!! Dude, I meant Reggie Bush!!!

God: Reggie Bush?!? Are you out of your fucking mind, Peter? I LOVE that kid! Don’t you watch ESPN? I’d sooner smite the Savior of mankind over there before I’d hurt Reggie! That’s my DAWG, yo!

St. Peter: But, if he’s your favorite, why is he only averaging 3.7 yard per carry for his career? What gives?

God: Dude, even my powers have limits.

Your "Reggie Bush, Feature Back" moment of zen

Nov 13, 2007 2007 Season, Inanity, Reggie Bush, Stats, Teams that aren't the Texans

7 carries for 17 yards, TD, 5 catches for 27 yards, all coming against the VAUNTED Rams defense.

Your "Reggie Bush, Feature Back" moment of zen

Oct 29, 2007 2007 Season, Inanity, Nigerian Mafia, Reggie Bush, Teams that aren't the Texans

64 Rushing Yards on 10 carries (…to Aaron Stecker’s 12) with a long of 20, 7 catches for 49 yards, 0 TD

Point of reference: Adimchinobe Echemandu had 62 yards on 10 carries