I CAN HAZ RUNNING BACK?
Jul 11, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Gary Kubiak, Inanity, Rick Smith, Ron Dayne likes pie
Rick Smith: So, yeah, I figured out that if you order from Papa John’s online you can order one of the specialty pizzas — meat lovers, Hawaiian, whatever — but then add and remove toppings, so that you get whatever pizza you want at the special price.
Gary Kubiak: Wait…what?
Smith: Yeah, you can pick whatever pizza has the best deal but still get something else.
Kubiak: I honestly don’t– You mean I can say I want a barbeque chicken pizza, but still end up with black olive and mushroom?
Smith: Exactly! Wild, huh?! The missus and I had QUITE the laugh over that.
(secretary enters)
Rick Smith’s Secretary: Mr. Smith, a delivery man just brought this box of donuts for you.
Smith: Huh?
Secretary: Yeah, he said that it was to be delivered to you. It’s very sticky. May I set it down?
Smith: (clearing space on his desk) Of course. Thank you. (considers slapping her ass as she leaves, but doesn’t)
(opens box) Gary, look…someone FedExed me 12 donuts. (counts again) Wait, no, 11 donuts. Odd.
Kubiak: Are those sprinkles?
Smith: Yeah. No, hold on…they are letters. Someone stuck Alpha-Bits to the donuts! (takes one out) This one says “Ron haz itch to.” (pulls another from box) “Take Ron back.”
Kubiak: (picks up donut) “Dayne haz tal–.” I’m guessing that said “talent” before someone took a bite out of it.
Smith: This one just says “Ron” (pauses, looks closer) and the other glaze seems to have been licked off! (drops donut)
Kubiak: “Ahman wuss Brown haz gay.” What in the world?
Smith: “I eat ur kidz if Ron not play.”
Kubiak: This is freakin’ weird, man.
(Smith’s phone rings)
Smith: (answering phone) Hello?
Disguised voice: Did yu git muh meshizh?
Smith: Excuse me?
Voice: Muh meshizh!
Smith: Why does it sound like you have a mouth full of Funyuns?
Voice: (chews, swallows) DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE?!
Smith: Yes, Ron.
Voice: Good. I mean, this isn’t Ron! This is…um…a concerned fan.
Smith: Ron, your name came up on caller ID. I told you, we have no need for your services this year.
Voice: Oh.
…
Hmm.
…
Could you return those donuts, then?
Kickoff
Jun 10, 2008 2008 Season, Barbaro is dead, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, Inflamed body parts, Kickoff, Rick Smith, Super Mario, Travis Johnson explains things
Duane Brown: Matt and I have talked about linking and talking less to and about the Comicle. However, since Jerome Solomon wrote this one, I’ll make an exception.
“Never Satisfied”: No, this isn’t a story by my wife. It’s about Mario’s new attitude. Eric sent both of these in, and as he said, it’s funny that nobody can do a story about Mario without mentioning Eric Metcalf Jr. and VY. Still, it’s a national piece by an AP reporter, which must mean something positive, right? Right???
Some (slightly meaningful) OTA quotes this morning:
Rick Smith: (on what cutting Gray says about QB Shane Boyd) “You know what, it says that Shane is making progress. It’s saying that Alex Brink is making progress. We’ve got some young quarterbacks that we really like that are doing a decent job and we feel comfortable with those guys going into training camp.” Comment: Yawn. Boyd may make the active roster, but, after we cut Gray, I’m leaning toward that we have two quarterbacks active on game day, not three.
Rick Smith: (on what the team will do with T/G Charles Spencer) “Well, we don’t know. We’ve got a lot of conversations to have between now and training camp. His rehab process has gone slow, and we had hoped that it would have been a little bit better at this point and so from a lot of standpoints, that’s a little disappointing. But we’re going to continue to be patient with Charles and give him every opportunity that we can to make it back.” Comment: Hello, PUP.
Rick Smith: (on DT Travis Johnson) “Travis is going to be fine. He’s rehabbing and he’s responding well to the treatment and so we expect that he’s going to be ready to go.” Comment: Travis went to the Crystal Pistol and personally asked every fifth dancer to inspect his groin for damage.
Coach Kubiak: (on negotiations with LB Rosevelt Colvin) “We are still talking to him. I think we are still a part of his decision process. We will wait to see what happens.” Comment: This is essentially what Rick Smith said, too. That they are being coy is not surprising, and hopefully it’s a good sign.
Got a super busy real-job day today, so play nicely amongst yourselves. Leg hugs for everybody!
Edit: Oops, used Stacy’s link on the Mario story, not Eric’s. They both sent it. Carry on.
Boilermaker
Jun 5, 2008 Awesomeness, Rick Smith
I always feel lazy when I link to a BRB post, mainly because the three guys1 churning stuff out over there are doing such a bang-up job since the draft. Solis is putting more effort into a single post than I expend most weeks over here, and it shows. For that, I feel shame.2
THAT SAID, you really do need to check out his post on Rick Smith. Fantastic research about a fantastic dude.
1 Matt, what about the B.K.A.S.? The Blogger Known As Scott? I don’t think he exists. (And, yes, that was just a Princess Bride reference. I defy you to find a better movie that features both Andre the Giant and Mandy Patinkin.)
2 This is a lie.
