DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

The STUPID!!! — it burns!!!!

Nov 4, 2008 Deep Thoughts with bfd, Douchebag Tom, Fuck Jared Allen, Righteous Indignation

From Steph’s Jared Allen is a cheap shot motherfucker post here, we have this absolute nugget of a comment from NitroHonda.

Flagrant hit or not, Schaub needs to bounce on up from those sort of hits.I didn’t really see any malice on Allen’s end there. I just saw a man who did his job. Should he have been penalized? Probably but anything is going to look worse than it is when one puts it in slow motion.

(Some semi-coherent thoughts about the blocking)

Either way, I fully expect Matt Schaub to bounce back up from that hit, flagrant or not. Fully expect it. If Carr can asbsorb all the punishment he did… why can’t Matt Schaub? I don’t get it.

Holy shit.  Just, how much dumb do you see here?  Let’s do some forensics on this shit.

Flagrant hit or not, Schaub needs to bounce on up from those sort of hits.

Ditto for University of Houston wide receiver Patrick Edwards.  Just because the injury did tangible damage to their legs is no reason to be a pussy.  This one time, NitroHonda got a mosquito bite on his leg, but that didn’t drop him!  No sirree!

I didn’t really see any malice on Allen’s end there. I just saw a man who did his job. Should he have been penalized? Probably but anything is going to look worse than it is when one puts it in slow motion.

No malice, but he should’ve been penalized?  And yes, ass-munch, things do look worse in slow motion when they are, you know, shitty to begin with.

Either way, I fully expect Matt Schaub to bounce back up from that hit, flagrant or not. Fully expect it. If Carr can asbsorb all the punishment he did… why can’t Matt Schaub? I don’t get it.

“Joe Thiessman is a pussy, too!  All pussies but me.  I’ve never gotten hurt playing Madden, so why should they?”

Oh, and here’s the difference between Schaub and Mittens: Mittens would’ve been in the fetal position within three seconds after the snap.  Schaub completed a pass into traffic on this play you moron.  And, no, you obviously don’t get it.

I must say, NitroHonda: thanks for the motivation this morning.  It’s not often I run across something this stupid, but you managed to fire me up.  Well done.

Edit: In fairness, the middle point of his post has some good thoughts.  Here’s the “big deal” with me, though.  Over the weekend, I got into a mostly semantic argument with a friend about Houston sports.  After he’s lived in New York for a couple of years, one of his implications is that Texans fans are stupid.  Obviously, this hurt coming from a life-long Houston, but this is his observation.

Talking about bouncing back from a torn MCL like it’s nothing is mind-boggling to me.  My right one has been torn twice, (Grade 2 and 3), and the first one was a complete cheap shot not unlike the Schaub situation before us.  That Schaub stayed in the game and wanted to play says something.  Coming out because he was hurt does not.

Urge to kill…rising.

Aug 19, 2008 Anger, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bud Adams is evil, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fuck, His name is Earl, Logo by Chris, Righteous Indignation, Teams that aren't the Texans

In a move that is likely to make stacy’s head explode, BE-SF fans voted Earl Campbell their greatest player ever.

Now, say what you will about how they kept the Oilers name/records/etc. Once you CHANGE NAMES in a NEW STATE, all bets are off as far as holding on to the past. You can keep the Oilers as part of your franchise timeline, but you CANNOT lump Earl in as the greatest Titan ever…BECAUSE HE WAS NEVER A TITAN. To claim otherwise makes you an absolute fuckrag. No one likes a fuckrag, man.

To those who will say “but it was for the greatest Oiler/Titan ever,” I call bullshit.  The team (or, more accurately, it’s sodomite owner) wanted out of Houston.  Fine.  And, honestly, had they remained the Oilers this whole time, even the choosing of Earl Campbell would be justified, if slightly dirty.  But they didn’t.  They shitcanned the city of Houston, then punted the team name a short time later—basically, they started fresh without having to waste years as an expansion team. And, in doing so, they offended 95% of the Oilers fanbase.

Was Earl Campbell the greatest Oiler ever?  Of course.  Was he the greatest player ever owned by Bud Adams?  Of course.  Did he have a single goddamned thing to do with the state of Tennessee or the Titans?  Nope.  And I bet he’s happy about that.

Besides, to hear some of you BE-SF fans tell it, shouldn’t Vince Young have won this vote hands down?

How ’bout a nice glass of shut the hell up?

Aug 3, 2008 Andre Johnson, Anger, Righteous Indignation, Rumors, Weak-ass arguments, What the fuck?

OK…time to bust out the old Righteous Indignation Machine.

First, it was the interviewer in this chat with Tim suggesting that ‘Dre was frustrating to fantasy owners (at least in part) because he was so injury-prone. (Side note: Tim continues to impress me in these, mainly because he always seems so much more knowledgeable than the host and winds up carrying the interview.)  Then it was shithead supreme Mike Florio who wrote:

The Texans need a healthy Johnson (heh-heh, heh) in 2008.  Regardless of whether the latest injury is serious, it’s hard not to wonder whether Johnson has become more than a little fragile as his career enters what should be its prime.

That’s dumb, but it’s not even the dumbest thing on the page, as that honor goes to the mouth-breathing dumbfuck who left the first comment to Florio’s post:

Surprise, surprise! Andre Johnson has an injury! Has this guy made it through an entire an NFL season in his entire career?

Righteous Indignation Machine…engage.

Plain and simple, if you think Andre Johnson is “fragile” or “injury prone” or “always hurt,” you are a goddamned retard.  Prior to last season, ‘Dre had ONE YEAR WHERE HE MISSED EVEN A SINGLE GAME.  That was 2005, when a calf injury forced him out of a game early and caused him to miss the next three.  Other than that, Johnson had played every single game…and played really fucking well.

Yes, he was hurt last year.  (And, yes, I am still kind of bitter at Kubiak about it, as there was absolutely no reason for Johnson to even be in the game at that point.)  And, yes, there’s a chance that this groin tweak is somehow related to the rehabilitation of the knee injury.  But one serious injury in five years of football does not make someone fragile.

Compare:

Andre Johnson

Steve Smith

Plaxico Burress

Larry Fitzgerald

Terrell Owens

Need I continue? For a little clarification, for the list above, other than Steve Smith (who I included because people constantly talk about how tough he is), I tried to stick with receivers who were similar in size and or playing style to Andre Johnson.  I’m pretty sure I could plug most any #1 WR into this post, though, and have similar results.

So what the fuck gives?  The guy is every bit as durable as the WRs who get lauded for their toughness and/or for being “gamers.”  He’s had one small injury and one big injury in five years, despite being one of the most targeted WRs in the game and despite being one of the more active WRs when it comes to downfield blocking.  He’s been hung out to dry by his QBs (especially the since-departed pillow biter) more often than just about anyone, yet he takes hits, rarely runs out of bounds, is not afraid to go over the middle, and almost never gets hurt.

One injury does not make someone injury prone.  People like Florio who say otherwise deserve to be faceraped.

Righteous Indignation Machine…disengage.

Jellyfish

Jun 2, 2008 Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Little Dickie Justice, Pancakes McTard, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Righteous Indignation, Token

If you’ve been following the comments on Jerome Solomon’s “Will the Texans win eight games” blog post, you are (a) as bored as I am and (b) no doubt aware of the back-and-forth that has transpired between Solomon and Mark (1Tex) as well as between Solomon and Solis.

Long story short, Mark took Solomon and the Chron to task for being so needlessly negative and pointed to a pro-Texans article from the Dallas Morning News as proof of getting better Texans coverage elsewhere.  Solis then added that the Chron’s negative approach and subpar coverage of the team was why so many people were anti-Chron at this point. Solomon fired back that the same article had been posted on the Chron, that the Texans coverage on the paper was not negative, and that Mark and Solis sounded like they were whining.

Mark and Solis each responded, basically pointing out that Solomon was missing the bigger point here, to which Solomon replied that there was no “point” and likened the idea that people agreed that the Chron sucked to the KKK.  (No, seriously.)

In all, it was your typical “Chron writer gets defensive about how poorly the paper covers the team” discussion.  It would event be post-worthy were it not for this line from Jerome:

Courage to run what you say? You are nuts if you think I don’t run comments from people who disagree with me.

That’s good to hear.  I mean, one wouldn’t want to think that Jerome was selectively approving comments in order to avoid having his argument shot down.  Nope, he is better than that; he runs comments from people who disagree with him.

Unless those comments come from me or BFD.

Right after Solis’ first comment, BFD wrote the following:

Cmon, there’s really no reason to try and use logic on this here site.  Wasn’t it JS who called Texans fans morons, or something similar, last year?  Pancakes was “liveblogging” the Saints game last year, but obviously wasn’t watching the game.  And RJ still can’t let go of his unrequited man-crush of VY.

The coverage here is pathetic and condescending with a bunch of reporters who are more excited about the Cow-pokes than they are the team they are supposed to cover.

That was written at 11AM on Sunday.  As of 1:40PM on Monday, it still hasn’t been posted.  Shortly after BFD, I added a comment of my own:

I also agree with 1Tex.  It’s no secret among Texans fans that the Chron’s coverage of the team is horrible.  Heck, look at any Texans blog, Texans message board, or just talk to any fan who cares enough to follow the team on a daily basis.

Obviously, Jerome misses the larger underlying point that 1Tex is making–the Chron’s coverage of the Texans should BLOW AWAY Texans coverage on other news outlets, yet it never does.  At best, we get the same “oh, the team isn’t that good” tripe that we get everywhere else in the ether of the internet.

On top of that, we get a DALLAS COWBOYS BLOG on the Texans main page.  Between that, a guy who lives to make insipid videos, a writer that will never forgive the team for not drafting Radio Young, a piece of eye-candy that has never once written anything remotely insightful, and a guy who literally called the Texans fanbase “losers” last year, it is little wonder that Texans fans feel like the Chron’s coverage is subpar.

I think every Texans writer at this paper should thank the deity of his/her choice that there is not a another major daily paper in Houston.

That comment also to that internet comment graveyard in the sky.  I would have chalked it up to our being a collective persona non grata at the Chron and left it at that, but Jerome had to go and make it sound like he wasn’t filtering.  So I emailed him, asking where my comment was if he was so willing to run opposing viewpoints.  He replied that the problem was my inclusion of the atexansblog.com URL in my header.

Fine, I sent a new comment, basically mirroring my last one with some added responses to what he’d written in the interim and I was sure to leave my URL out.  I was even somewhat friendly in this version.

I also agree with 1Tex.  It’s no secret among Texans fans that the Chron’s coverage of the team is horrible.  Heck, look at any Texans blog, Texans message board, or just talk to any fan who cares enough to follow the team on a daily basis.

Jerome misses the larger underlying point that 1Tex is making–the Chron’s coverage of the Texans should BLOW AWAY Texans coverage on other news outlets, yet it never does.  At best, we get the same “oh, the team isn’t that good” tripe that we get everywhere else in the ether of the internet without much in the way of additional, insider-type articles that a local paper should provide.

On top of that, we get a DALLAS COWBOYS BLOG on the Texans main page.  Between that, a guy who lives to make insipid videos, a writer that will never forgive the team for not drafting Radio Young, a piece of eye-candy that has never once written anything remotely insightful, and a guy who literally called the Texans fanbase “losers” last year, it is little wonder that Texans fans feel like the Chron’s coverage is subpar.

*****
“And to say that the Chron’s stories on the Texans are shrouded in negativity is a bit disingenuous, considering the team has never had a winning season.”

One has nothing to do with the other, Jerome. You don’t have to have a winning season for articles following your best season to date to remain positive about the upcoming year. The team was .500 last year and, for the first time ever, seems to have most of the pieces in place to challenge any other team on any given week.  Given that, which makes more sense–to talk about how the team has a better chance than ever to win at least 9 games OR to keep pointing out how they haven’t won 9 games in any previous years?

“Journalists are not supposed to write like fans of the team and say all is well when things are falling apart.”

Nor are they supposed to keep talking about how Mario Williams is a bust and wrong pick when he is dominating opposing teams and making the people who drafted him look like geniuses. They are supposed to write objectively about what is actually happening. So, when things AREN’T falling apart, by your rationale, the writers should not suggest that they are.  (Unless you really think things are falling apart right now, which is a ridiculous assertion.)

Look, I don’t disagree that the paper should not aspire to be Pollyanna Sunshine 100% of the time.  And I don’t think that negativity is necessarily the biggest problem facing the Chron (though it is certainly an important issue).  The problem, as I see it, is that (a) the coverage provided that is good is–more often than not–written by the AP or someone unaffiliated with the paper and (b) the stuff written by Chron staff reeks of negativity so often that the occasional piece that isn’t gets lost in the mix.

That was two-and-a-half hours ago.  Still, nada.  About thirty minutes ago, following the brilliant KKK mention, I added:

The KKK comment is ridiculous and does nothing to further the debate.  If you can’t see why it doesn’t work in the context of this debate–I can already hear you typing “no it’s not, both are examples of people with similar opinions”–then this conversation is pointless.

As for arguing that Solis’ (and others’) OPINION is wrong, how can you take that stance and still argue that people shouldn’t call you an idiot because you don’t like MMA?  Your OPINION is that MMA is not entertaining, right?  You back it up with other opinions–that it is about violence, that it is boring–but in the end it is still nothing more than opinion.  And opinions are a matter of taste, not a matter of fact that can be argued.

Oh, wait, I forgot that it was perfectly acceptable for Chron writers to be hypocritical.  See, e.g., Justice’s positions on Mario.

Of course, since you still haven’t posted my last comment, despite my removal of the URL, I doubt this one goes up either.  And, yes, that is a thinly-veiled challenge.

I won’t hold my breath that either of these gets posted.

In the end, I can’t even pretend like this is surprising.  After all, both BFD and I have taken many, many shots at the Chron and its staff over the past 13 months, so I guess they are justified in shutting us out of their comments if they want to.  Whatever.  Just don’t sit there and pretend like you are running all of the comments, even the negative ones, when you most certainly aren’t.  THAT “is a bit disingenuous,” Jerome.  If the people in charge won’t let you run DGDB&D comments, then say so.  Hell, I’d have more respect for you if that was the case.  Otherwise, I am going to assume that you and your cohorts are spineless and incapable of anything resembling the rational debate you claim to be willing to engage in.

NFL to Mario Williams: Fuck you.

Jan 24, 2008 2007 Season, Anger, Is Roger Goodell gonna have to choke a bitch?, Pro Bowl 2008, Righteous Indignation, Super Mario, Too soon?

With Jason Taylor injured and skipping out on the Pro Bowl, it seemed as if the gross injustice of Mario Williams being left off the roster was about to rectified. Just like it once seemed that Heath Ledger had a long, distinguished career ahead of him.

Instead, the powers that be have decided that Aaron Schobel will replace Taylor, leaving Mario still on the outside looking in. I will give someone a bright, shiny quarter if he or she can explain to me how Schobel’s 6.5 sack, 95 tackle season makes him a more deserving Pro Bowler than Mario Williams. There’s an extra quarter in it if you can explain it without using “because Schobel went down on Roger Goodell and swallowed.”

The All-Pro Roster is a tale told by an idiot — full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Jan 9, 2008 2007 Season, Anger, DeMeco Ryans, Douchebag Tom, Posts that list too many players, Righteous Indignation, Super Mario

Well, ain’t this about a bitch? It seems that the NFL All-Pro First Team features nary a Texan. Not one. At defensive end, the All-Pro roster has Jared Allen and Patrick Kerney. A sane person could make a case for those guys over Mario, though I would certainly argue that Mario was more dominant than Kerney from play to play. Whatever.

The real injustice, however, comes at the linebacker position. Rather than take uberstud DeMeco Ryans, the All-Pro roster features Mike Vrabel, DeMarcus Ware, Lofa Tatupu, and Patrick Willis.

Seriously?

I mean seriously seriously?

Look…everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, but if you honestly think Mike Vrabel had a better season than DeMeco Ryans, you are no longer entitled to offer your opinion without first prefacing it with “I’m a fucking idiot, but I think….”¹

This is the dumbest shit since Microsoft Bob.

¹ Or you could just wear a nametag that says “Tom.” It’s the same thing, really.

Eeez boolshit! Should be same rules for everyone!

Dec 19, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Amobi Okoye is 20, DeMeco Ryans, Posts that list too many players, Pro Bowl 2008, Righteous Indignation, Stats, Super Mario

First off, congratulations to uber-stud, blog namesake, and all-around awesome guy DeMeco Ryans for being named STARTING MLB for the 2008 AFC Pro Bowl team. Well done, DR.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me just say that IN NO UNIVERSE THAT MAKES ANY SENSE SHOULD KYLE VANDEN BOSCH BE ON THE ROSTER OVER MARIO WILLIAMS. Consider:

Mario Williams–14 G, 13 Sacks (2d in NFL (1st in AFC), 2d among DEs), 53 tackles, 2 FF, 1 FR, 1 TD

Kyle Vanden Bosch–13G, 9 Sacks (T-16th in NFL, 5th among DEs), 48 tackles, 3 FF

Still not convinced? Well, consider further that, in the three games Albert Haynesworth was out, KVB was pretty much a non-factor, notching 10 total tackles and only one sack. On the other hand, Mario has been the focal point of opposing offensive lines week-in and week-out. He has dominated regardless of whether he was lined up beside ND Kalu, Travis Johnson, Jeff Zgonina, Anthony Maddox, or Amobi Okoye. Hell, look at Amobi’s sacks–all of them have come when Mario has been on the field and on all but one of them, Williams was getting visibly gang-raped while Okoye blew past his single blocker. Granted, it’s generally a hard statement to prove, but I think most anyone would agree that Mario has made that entire line better.

Don’t get me wrong–Vanden Bosch is a great player and I would trade a kidney to have him lined up opposite Mario. He just did not deserve to make this team over Mario. You want to split hairs between him and Jason Taylor, by all means, be my guest , but don’t pretend like Mario hasn’t had a better year and hasn’t meant more to his team on every single snap that KVB has.

The part about this whole thing that really chaps my ass is that I get a sneaking feeling that Mario’s omission has a lot to do with bias against him that has carried over from last year. That and the fact that most people voted before they got to see him violate Jay Cutler on national television, as the Texans get about as much national coverage as the Tiffin University Equestrian team does. (Go Dragons!) Yes, yes…he’s been named an “alternate.” Big deal. Will Demps is an alternate. Are you telling me that Will Demps and Mario Williams are having seasons similar in quality at their respective positions? Because, if you are telling me that, we can no longer be friends. In fact, mom says you need to go home.

e-turd

Nov 24, 2007 Dancing With the 'Tards, Fuck the Cowboys, Houston Chronicle, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Righteous Indignation, Suck it bitchez

By now, I am sure that you’ve heard about this.

It appears that the powers-that-be over at Chron.com have decided to launch a Cowboys blog. Seriously? Because, maybe I am just hearing what I want to hear, but it has certainly sounded to me that one of the chief complaints about the Chronicle–along with Richard Justice being a talentless shitstain–has been that the paper seems to devote too much ink/coverage/love/masturbatory fantasies to things other than the Texans.

Knowing that, the decision to launch a fanblog about the team that nearly every Texans fan loathes is questionable at best. It’s a big “fuck you” to the Texans fans at worst. Some of the commenters on that Chron story have made good comparisons–that it’s like having a “Bronx chapter of the Red Sox fan club”–but that misses the point slightly, as the Yankees would likely be well represented and well covered alongside the Red Sox talk. Here, this is nothing more than offering to be the pivot man for any Cowboys fans that come along, while simultaneously taking a gigantic dump on the Texans and their fans.

And, really, is that even surprising at this point? The writers over there have made it more than clear that they are willing to let their personal feelings about players color what the write, that they have no qualms about making stuff up about players or about the team in general, and that many of them would like nothing more than to be Vince Young’s fluffer in their next lives. So why, then, would we be even slightly shocked that they would take the next logical step and put fan coverage of the Cowboys on par with that of the Texans? The only unexpected part of this story is that they didn’t just have Thomas Hilton killed and replace the Texans fan blog completely.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but this is the final straw with me. As of now, unless one of the stories over there mentions me or this blog by name, I will not comment on or link to anything written by paid employees of the Houston Chronicle. I’m reasonably sure I will get by without them.

After further review

Nov 19, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Andre Johnson, Matt Turk rules, Owen Daniels is a big ol' Pimp, Reggie Bush, Righteous Indignation, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario

Regardless of how good it felt to watch our defense slap Reggie Bush around like he stole something, the most important thing about yesterday’s game was that it got us back to .500. This seems obvious, but consider the implications–a win meant that we needed to go 3-3 over the last six, while a loss forced us to go 4-2 if we were to break even on the year. Considering both our schedule and how we’ve played thus far, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that 3-3 seems infinitely more likely than 4-2. Thankfully, we don’t have to think about that today.

What we do get to think about is all the things that went right yesterday. IT’S BULLETED LIST TIME!!!!

• Andre m.f. Johnson. Welcome back, sir. Regardless of how well Apostrophe and K-Dub and the gang played in Johnson’s absence, one need only look at that gorgeous 73-yard TD strike to realize just how much AJ means to this offense. A person would not be incorrect in assuming that a healthy AJ for the entire season would have meant at least one more win (Atlanta? Tennessee? INDY???) and possibly more. Of course, this realization only increases my annoyance with Gary Kubiak for having Johnson on the field in the fourth quarter of a blowout at Carolina. Somehow, this has managed to be swept under the rug by the mainstream media–probably because they ignore us in general–but that lack of action by Kubiak towers over his clock-management skills in terms of how much it hurt us.
• Mario Williams. Dear Richard Justice, Eat poop. Sincerely, Mario Williams. I mentioned it yesterday, but six tackles (4 of which were on Reggie Bush) and a sack/forced fumble for Mario would be good in any game, but in a game like this, where he was under a national microscope, that’s out-freakin’-standing. (Speaking of the national spotlight, not to play the Rodney Dangerfield card again, but it’s indicative of the lack of respect we get nationally that people weren’t talking very loudly about how Mario outplayed Reggie; after all, were the roles reversed and Reggie the better player yesterday, NFL writers would have been all over it. Whatever.)
• Ron Dayne. Seriously? No, I mean, for really serious? I fail to understand the enigmatic pastry that is Ron Dayne. How can he cut back against blocks and sneak through holes for the occasional big run, yet not be able to get a 4th and 1? He weighs 245 pounds for christsakes. And why does Andre Ware keep telling me that Dayne is a “power runner?” Power runners get that single yard and fall forward; Dayne is merely a surprisingly quick fat guy. Still, nice performance yesterday, Krispy Kreme.
• Reggie Bush. Thanks for the two fumbles, douche nozzle.
• Owen Daniels. Two questions: How do you break your nose while wearing a football helmet and how bad ass do you have to be to play the game with a broken nose? I have no answer for the first one, but the answer to the second is “as bad ass as Owen Daniels.” Also, he got shafted on the fumble call (more on that in a minute), so his day of 5 catches for 72 yards with a broken nose was even better than it appears.
• Defensive line. Richard Smith continues to adhere to his “ewww, blitzes are yucky” philosophy, but the defensive line stepped up big yesterday. They had backfield penetration all day and even got a sack on a QB who had been sacked the league’s fewest times. They combined for 19 total tackles, 1 sack, and two forced fumbles. You can’t ask for much more than that without bringing some extra bodies. Of course, this performance shows that there is real talent in that front four, which leads me to believe that, in addition to avoiding blitzes like Karen Carpenter avoided cake, Richard Smith is having problems motivating his players. I know, I know…”they are professionals, so they shouldn’t need outside motivation.” Probably true, but they are also reasonably young, unaccustomed to winning consistently, constantly maligned by jerkwad Chronicle writers, and having to do the pass rushing duties entirely on their own, so offering some motivation and trying to get guys fired up might be necessary for a year or two. Hell, Mario played like a man possessed yesterday, almost certainly because he had the Reggie thing to spur him on. The other guys picked up on that, too. The defensive coordinator needs to at least try to light that kind of fire under his players week in and week out.
• Offensive line. Hmm…at the beginning of the year, when they looked really good, Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were healthy. Yesterday, when they again looked good, Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were healthy. Interesting. Still, they only allowed one sack and Schaub seemed to have enough time to go through his reads most of the afternoon. Kudos, large men.
• Matt Schaub. In addition to hitting Johnson and going through his reads well, Schaub also fired a laser to Joel Dreessen in the back of the endzone. I know a certain gloved QB who could not have made that throw even in practice.
• The secondary. For a group that was supposed to give up roughly 575 yards passing yesterday, they looked pretty damned good. Von Hutchins got himself an INT, just to show Stephanie that she was wrong about him, and the other guys played well pretty much start to finish. Who woulda thunk it?
• Kris Brown. If a story came out today that alleged Kris Brown was a ninja from the future, I would buy it completely.
• Matt Turk. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Other things worth thinking about, but from a not-so-happy point of view:

• Adimchinobe Echemandu. 1 carry, 1 fumble lost, -3 fantasy points for me. I fear I might have believed too highly in the talent of Joe Echema. Please prove me wrong, Joe. Please.
• Mike Carey and his Crew of Assclowns. OK…someone please tell me how in the hell a crew can consistently get every single call wrong. How is this possible? Even worse, how does the official get the part of a play being challenged wrong? OF COURSE Daniels lost the ball, tick turd; that’s not what you were supposed to be looking at. And the fumble Mario caused, where you just assumed after the fact that New Orleans had possession? How did that work? Oh, and what about the numerous times no one felt the need to flag illegal linemen down field? Do we not call that one anymore? I’m glad we won, just so this doesn’t sound like sour grapes, but that was an absolutely wretched job. Unfortunately, that was also the norm for a Mike Carey crew.
• Umm…I think that’s about it.

5-5. I’ll take it.

Chronic 2007, or "Dedicated to all of those with big egos"

Oct 31, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, Bloggerating, Dancing With the 'Tards, Dunta Robinson, Houston Chronicle, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Righteous Indignation, Self-Referential Stuff, Super Mario

The Chron’s coverage of the Texans is like an impacted colon–full of shit, painful to see, and irritating beyond belief. In fact, other than John McClain (who is definitely slipping, but still shows glimpses of the ol’ fastball), there is no one writing for pay on that website that I can even tolerate.

Take, for instance, Richard Justice. Dick has always been critical of a certain first overall pick and has made it a point to draw attention to every time Mario made a mistake. Lately, however, Justice has stepped up the attacks, ripping Mario in pretty much everything he writes, regardless as to whether the screed fits his column or even whether it is based in fact. In five randomly chosen recent columns/posts alone, we get the following:

Despite blowing the Mario Williams pick, they’d had two good drafts and did some good things in free agency.

At the moment, two personnel decisions appear to be glaring mistakes. One is Mario Williams. No matter how Gary Kubiak says he’s grading out, the truth is that he’s far from the impact player the Texans believed he’d be. He has one sack the last six games. That’s not a difference maker. He may be doing some good things in the running game, but he didn’t get a $54-million contract to be good in the running game.

If you raised your eyebrows when Gary Kubiak said Mario was grading out well, join the club. No amount of spin will change the fact that he’s far from the impact player the Texans thought they were getting.

N.D. Kalu and Travis Johnson were solid on the defensive front, but Mario Williams was barely heard from.

Mario Williams still isn’t the player the Texans envisioned he’d be. Neither is Travis Johnson. Jason Babin is long gone, and Amobi Okoye is still learning.

Five for five. It looks to me like someone either has a mancrush or has a serious axe to grind.

Ever your intrepid reporter, I decided to email Justice and ask him to explain.

Richard,

I am curious. Did Mario Williams insult your mother recently? I ask because that’s about the only justification I can see for your continued petty trashing of Mario and his play. Despite what you say (and what your sycophant readers echo), Mario is not playing poorly right now. No matter how many times you say otherwise, the fact remains that he is playing well and is currently playing better than Reggie Bush. So again I ask: Why do you seem to get your rocks off by slamming him over and over? Mario has 4 sacks. He has a fumble recovery TD. His run defense has been outstanding. Coaches are clearly game-planning for him on passing downs. He is the primary reason that Okoye has played so well, despite the fact that no one with an ounce of sense would line up Mario and Okoye beside one another on a passing down. In short, he’s probably our third best defensive player right now behind DeMeco and Dunta. Considering that the learning curve for DEs in the NFL is typically three years, I would say he is right on pace. Yet, to hear you tell it, Mario stands around in the middle of the field, looking scared and confused and just generally being the worst player in the history of pro football.It is that type of baseless drivel that makes people hate the Chronicle. One wouldn’t think it would be hard to find three or four quality football writers in the nation’s fourth-largest city, but it is apparently impossible. Still, one would hope that the people who did get to write about the Texans would do so in an intelligent, straight-forward, and entertaining manner. You know, rather than filling half-effort columns with whatever petty grudges the writer holds. If you are trying to stir the pot, you are doing a poor job. If you are trying to convince anyone with any understanding of football that Mario’s play has been awful, you are wasting time and ink. (On the plus side, if you are just trying to be a jerk, you are doing a fantastic job.)

It’s ironic, though; despite my utter disdain for nearly everything you’ve written in the past year or so, I just realized that I should actually be thanking you. It is precisely this type of sports “coverage” that encourages people to find alternative writing about their favorite teams. You and those like you are the primary cause for the popularity of sports blogs, especially among the more intelligent fans who are insulted by your lowest-common-denominator approach to writing. So, while our readership does not approach the level of a daily paper, the quality of our average reader far surpasses the “GRATE POST, RICHARD…ALL THESE MARIO FANS NEED TO JUST DEAL WIT TEH TRUTH…HE SUCKS” type of reader/commenter that you rely upon. I’ll take that trade any day.

Matt
http://gotexans.blogspot.com/

P.S. Your assertion in Oct. 21’s paper that Mario hasn’t even shown signs of being an above average defensive end is mind-numbingly stupid. Even you are better than that.

And so I fired the email off into the ether of the internet. Because I have previously heard through the grapevine that Justice is not a fan of DGDB&D, I made it a point to avoid going all potty-mouth in the email, just in an effort to get him to respond. I wasn’t really holding my breath that he would, mind you; I was just leaving the door open in case he felt compelled to offer some sort of real argument for his position.

Roughly ten minutes later, Richard replied. His response was clearly well-thought-out and is incredibly convincing. I apologize in advance for its length, but it is worth the read.

He can’t play.

BRILLIANT! Rather than reply to any of the points I made about Mario, or engage in a discussion about his strengths/weaknesses, or even address the idea of new vs. old media, Richard just tells it like it is. (He apparently does not see or does not care about the irony of making a baseless assertion as a response to a criticism that he makes baseless assertions, but whatever.)

Of course, in doing so, Justice segues nicely into the second half of my email. I don’t see that I am off-base in thinking there should be at least the occasional semblance of quality writing from anyone that is employed by the only paper in the fourth-largest city in America. I mean, the ability to produce solid product should at least be a requirement of the job, right? But we don’t get that; we get vindictive assholes with petty grudges that trump true report, mindless twits who only got the job so John McClain has a jerk-off fantasy handy at all times, Ralph-Wiley-wannabes who would rather be tongue-bathing Tom Brady than writing about the Texans, and bland hacks who use their access to lend credence to whatever rumors they want to throw out on a given day. Not exactly a Murder’s Row of journalistic quality there. At this point in the season, the majority of columns proffered by that group (that aren’t pure Megan Manfull rumormill) can be lumped into one of three categories: (1) Richard Justice bashing Mario Williams like a jilted schoolgirl, (2) blame-laying columns that excoriate the whipping-boy du jour (these are sometimes disguised as Vince-Young-praise columns that excoriate the fact that he was not drafted by Houston), and (3) jump-off-the-bandwagon pieces from the same people who profess to be the biggest cheerleaders.

I’ve already offered examples of (1). For an example of (2), see pretty much anything written by Jerome Solomon in the last year. For (3), though, look no further than chief knob-polisher Anna-Megan Raley. While we all know how “nice” she is (thanks, Steph), I am beginning to wonder how much of a fan she really is. After all, her latest Pulitzer entry is entitled “Kubiak isn’t giving up on the Texans, but I might.” Awesome.

Like most of you, I’ve got an emotional investment in this team, but we’re finding out it can be a risky investment for Texans fans right now.

Yeah, A-M, that’s kind of the fucking point of being, you know, a FAN. You don’t get to only have an emotional investment when things are going well. You don’t even get to hedge your investment. Part of being a fan–a real fan–is that you are all in on every hand. That’s what makes it so amazingly special when you win and that is why it hurts when you lose.

Everything just seems so negative about the Texans right now, so I’ve been wondering: What is something, if anything, positive about this team?

Seriously? How about DeMeco Ryans establishing himself as one of the best young linebackers in the league? How about the sudden emergence of Kevin Walter? How about the renewed career of Andre Davis? How about…

Which brings us back to the second half of my email.

On the one hand, as we’ve seen, you have people being paid to write about the team we love. They have access that we could only dream of having. They have a platform that reaches more people in an afternoon than I reach all week. They have (in theory) the talent to use that access and that platform to inform and enlighten an enormous number of people. And, most importantly, they have the security of knowing that almost nothing they write today will prevent their work from reaching the same audience the next day and the next day and so on.

On the other, you have a small group of people donating their time and effort into writing about the same team. We have no access to anything but the game on TV or in person. We have a platform that relies solely on word of mouth–there is no daily anything that delivers our content every morning. We have a desire to be informative, funny, entertaining, truthful, and insightful and we do it all under the watchful eye of a readership that is lightning quick to call out bullshit or half-truths. And, unlike the paper, if we want to keep reaching people, we have to bring our A game (or, at minimum, our B game) 75% of the time.

As an aside, it may be because we have to offer quality far more often than not, but I would honestly put up any of the real (read: not dick jokes, poop jokes, conversations between body parts, etc.) writing done by the Texans blogs against any of the writing the Chron has puked forth in the last year. In my mind, it is not even close as to who the winner of that matchup would be.

This collective excellence on the part of bloggers is a huge reason why my annoyance with the Chronicle’s writers is tempered a bit; without their collective shortcomings as a newspaper staff, my blog (and BRB and Stephanie and Texans Tailgate and any others) would not find such ready acceptance and loyal readership. Even better, the readers we attract are likely to be the more intelligent, more vocal, and more dedicated fans because that type of person is less likely to rely on the daily hatchet jobs and blatant bandwagoneering the paper offers.

If you want proof, you need look no further than the difference between comments left on articles over there and comments left here and at BRB. Those of you who are regular readers of this blog, for instance, enjoy talk about Xs and Os. You offer up differing viewpoints instead of being docile lapdogs like the people who agree with everything written by the Chronicle. You bring humor and insight to the party. Hell, I’ll go so far as to say the comments are one of the primary reasons I do this because they are one of the very best parts of this blog. No one in his or her right mind would say that the comments to a typical Chron post are anything but infrequently comprehensible.

I did not mean for this post to become a blogger/blog reader circle jerk. Honest. That said, I do not feel like I am overreaching here. I truly believe that the exploding popularity of sports blogs is due in large part to the piss-poor job the local papers and traditional journalists do of covering their respective teams. While I can’t say that the writers at the Chronicle are the worst staff in America, I can say with first-hand knowledge that they are certainly far below even cities like Kansas City and St. Louis. Holier-than-thou, dickhead responses like the one I received from Richard Justice do little to make me think that the Chronicle is going to improve any time soon.

(In case you were wondering, I did reply to his reply.

Insightful. I now completely buy your arguments and understand your continued employment. Keep up the fantastic work.

I never said I was mature. Only that I do a better job than he does where it really matters.)

Run and you will live, at least a while.

Oct 22, 2007 2007 Season, Fuck, Ranting, Righteous Indignation, Self-Referential Stuff

There are few rules when it comes to rooting for a team. Generally, you can do whatever you want and no one will say much of anything. I’m not saying that you won’t get a look or three because of what you are wearing, what you have painted on the side of your $60,000 RV, or what you convinced your wife to tattoo on her cleavage, but in the end, all anyone asks is that you are loyal to your team.

One of the few rules that does exist as part of being loyal, however, is that you never, ever, EVER leave a game before it is literally impossible for your team to win/lose the game. And I do mean “literally;” “unlikely” is not the same thing. So, it is in that vein that I would like to offer a sincere and heartfelt “fuck you” to all of the Texans fans who left the game early yesterday. That was just as disappointing as anything else that happened.

When I saw how many fewer seats were occupied following halftime, I was mildly annoyed. I chalked that up to people who were really there only to see Vince Young. After all, it’s not like the place ever filled up yesterday–plenty of seats never had an ass in them because it was known that Vince was not starting. Still, I assumed that few Texans fans were among the exodus.

When my wife called during the early third quarter to tell me that the television announcers were joking about the parking lot filling up with people returning to their tailgates, I was even more peeved. Way to stick it out and cheer for your team, ya know? Hell, I don’t even understand the mindset that would say, “hey, Earl, we’re losing; let’s go outside and listen to the game on radio instead of sitting here in this seat we paid for and actually watching the game.”

And so it went that each hiccup by the Texans sent more and more people fleeing like rats from a sinking ship. At no point did any of them stop to think that there was a chance we might come back. Was it likely? Fuck no. Was it technically possible? Fuck yes. Obviously. Yet none of the departed seemed to even consider the possibility, however remote.

As disheartening as it was to see the empty seats during the comeback, the real slap in the face didn’t come until after Andre Davis‘ miraculous TD catch. When Tennessee got the ball back and had to put together a drive, the few of us remaining were screaming our lungs out. We wanted to make it impossible for Collins to hear or audible and make the offensive line jump because they couldn’t hear the snap count. We screamed. We beat the empty seats with bottles. We clapped until our hands hurt. And, obviously, we were unsuccessful. One-fifth of a stadium full of people can’t do a whole lot, especially when a not-small percentage of that fifth is composed of Titans/VY fans.

Would it have made a difference if the place was packed? Who knows? That’s not really the point. The point is that I shouldn’t have to sit here and wonder “what if;” I should already know whether a packed house (or a reasonable approximation of a packed house) could have created a din that would throw the Titans off in that last, crucial minute.

Right about now, someone reading this is thinking that I am a dumbshit for suggesting that you stay even when the odds are 1-in-a-whole-fucking-lot that the outcome could change. Yet, that is exactly what this dumbshit is saying. If it is possible for your team to win/lose, you keep yourself in the stadium and see what happens. If you want to leave at the two-minute warning when your team is losing by four possessions, go ahead. If you want to start heading toward the exit as soon as one team begins the kneel-downs or even as soon as they get the first down that will let them start kneeling, be my guest. But until then, don’t even consider leaving. Because only an asshole would do that. Nobody likes an asshole.

Look, maybe I am just venting because I saw the whole thing happen live. Losing like that, there is a feeling of disgust that no TV or radio broadcast can convey. The old lady who hugged me when Andre scored looked like she was going to cry when the field goal sailed through. We’d witnessed thirteen minutes of amazing comeback, only to have our hearts torn out at the end, so it’s possible that I am simply bitter that the people who left early escaped the first-hand heartbreak. Then again, at least I can say that I saw that unbelievable rally live and–even better–I can tell people that I stuck it out even as the score climbed to 32-7. Maybe I left felling like I got kicked in the nuts, but I at least I had the balls to stick it out.

I’ll get down off the soapbox now.

God don’t like ugly

Oct 8, 2007 2007 Season, God hates ugly, Injury bug, Righteous Indignation, Teams that aren't the Texans, Travis Johnson

Because I didn’t get to watch yesterday’s game, the first (and only) clip I saw of it was Travis Johnson running into Trent Green as Keith Olbermann called Johnson the “Worst Person in the NFL.” As Olbermann (whom I’ve generally liked throughout his sports career) opined at length about how Johnson was classless and needed to shut up and the like, my reaction to the clip was markedly different.

Watch the clip again. Johnson’s eyes are on Ted Ginn, whom he trails by a few yards and from an awkward angle. As the ball carrier turns, flattening Johnson’s pursuit angle even more, Green dives directly into Travis’s knees. This is a bullshit, bush-league move on Green’s part, so I am not the least bit surprised that Johnson was pissed off.

Ask yourself what happens if this whole block develops a half-second slower? Johnson’s foot is on the ground, Green’s shoulder goes into the knee, and Travis is most likely done for the season with multiple tears. And all we hear is how Trent sacrificed his body to make a block and, boy, it’s just a shame that someone wound up injured. Luckily (for Travis), the play happened as it did, sending him sprawling instead of sending him to the hospital.

Besides, look at Travis’s reaction. That is not someone jumping up, saying “yeah, bitch, you just got knocked the fuck OUT!” What point would there even be in taunting someone who successfully blocked you out of the play? How would that make any sense at all? What’s he gonna say, “ha ha, you tried to block me and you got hurt?” That’s lame and I highly doubt anyone would taunt for that. Getting pissed off, however, because some pussy quarterback didn’t have the balls to hit you in the shoulder, or shove you, or do anything other than a blindside dive into your knees? That makes perfect sense. In THAT situation, there is a point in letting someone know that, “motherfucker, if you ever hit me in the knees again, I’ll fucking end you.”

Should Johnson have said anything at all? Maybe not, if only because Green was clearly not moving. On the other hand, Johnson jumped up and just started going after Trent, so I kind of doubt that Travis was even thinking to himself that Green might be hurt. As soon as Travis walked around so that he could see Green’s face and it registered that Trent was not moving, Johnson went away. So, I suppose I look at the whole thing like this: If Green hadn’t been injured, would Travis have been right to get pissed off and start yelling at him? Of course. Would every other defensive lineman in the game react to that block by getting up and yelling (or even shoving) the QB who blocked him? Yup. So, just because a concussion-prone pussy managed to get busted in the head while throwing a cheap-but-technically-legal block that would elicit a similar response from anyone, why should Johnson’s initial reaction be any different? It shouldn’t.

By the way, Peter King, you can save the “it was a legal block” horseshit. By the letter of the law, sure, it was not illegal…which is probably why Johnson wasn’t screaming to the ref that there should be a flag. But you can bet your sweet ass that if Johnson had flown into Green’s knees as Trent was throwing, there would have been a penalty on Houston, so it’s not like kneecapping someone when they are in a vulnerable spot is commonly accepted practice. Even two of the three former players in your NBC crew said it was a cheap shot. “Cheap” does not have to equal “illegal” to be outside what is acceptable among players.

What about Green’s excuse (which he texted to Fatty Starbucks) of “[h]e outweighs me by over 100 lbs. Where shld I blk him?” Johnson was chasing Ted Ginn of all people and was already trailing and had a shit angle. There was no chance in hell Travis was going to catch him from behind. How about just a shove? Or shoulder to shoulder contact? Or shoulder pad to his mid-section, because after all, you were blindsiding him, so you had some options. Don’t give me the “he’s big” defense when you had other options. I’ve seen Brett Favre block linemen for years and he never had to resort to that kind of cheap shit, so don’t expect sympathy when you get a concussion from a bullshit move on your part.

But, anyway, back to the alleged taunting. Yes, Johnson drew a penalty for it, though that probably had more to do with the pointing and yelling than with the substance of the words. I cannot think of a single time where I’ve seen an NFL player taunt someone after severely injuring his opponent, even when it is a defensive player making the injurious hit. So why should we believe that Johnson was going to “taunt” after getting hit? The only explanation for Travis’s actions that makes sense in context–and that jives with Johnson’s quotes after the game–is that he was pissed about the location of the hit and was yelling at the player who hit him. What is wrong with doing that?

******

Two final side-notes.

1. I fully admit that I do not like Trent Green and that I might have taken a little glee in what happened (once I realized he wasn’t dead). Still, I’d like to think that my reaction would be the same with any two players in that situation.

2. Why is it that Johnson’s actions are causing people to fail to mention the stupidity on Green’s part of leading with his goddamned head when he knows he is concussion-prone?

I have a great idea! I’ll get an average looking chick with a 73 IQ to make videos with me!!!

Sep 27, 2007 Houston Chronicle, Idiot Karaoke, Righteous Indignation, Theft

Well, isn’t this interesting? It seems that John McClain, Anna-Megan Raley, and two or three other Chron people have done a song parody, “Big Bad Schaub” (to the tune, obviously, of Jimmy Dean’s “Big Bad John.”)

Hmm. I could swear that I’ve recent seen song parodies somewhere else. Where was that? Oh wait…that’s right! I did them under the heading of Idiot Karaoke! And, if you’ve been reading this site for more than two weeks–in which case, you should know that Homeland Security is likely watching you–you probably noticed the “coincidence,” too.

Am I saying they stole my idea? No, not directly. I am suggesting it as a possibility, however, because I think it’s curious that just over two weeks after my first parodies of old country songs, the video maven and his vapid lap dog decided to do a parody of an old country song.

Could it really be a coincidence? Possibly. But, when you consider that in their hours of videos, they have never–to my knowledge, at least–done a song parody of any kind, it seems a little more than coincidental. When you combine this with the fact that BRB and Fanhouse linked to the original parody, “I Blame The Line,” and that the post received a good reaction from pretty much everyone, I think I have to call shenanigans.

To be fair, as Stephanie pointed out in an email to me, Chance McClain is an actual musician of some sort and has written songs about the Texans. Fair enough. In my mind, however, that makes my accusation even more likely–if McClain has access to a musician, why did it never enter his mind to do a parody song about a player until right after I did it?

As I see it, there are two possibilities. First, McClain and Anna-Tard put their heads together, sorted through the insipid spew that Anna-Megan likely offers, and totally independent of this blog decided to parody a–something they’d never done before–and it just happened to be both an old country song and soon after I had done that exact thing. Possible, I guess. Second, one or both of them saw my parody and thought it would be fun to do the same, so they enlisted the help of Chance McClain.

Think I am paranoid and crazy? Maybe, but look at it this way–if Tim or Scott or Stephanie or Texans Gab or Texans Tailgate started doing parodies of old country songs about players, it would not be a stretch to say that they stole the idea from here. Why should McClain and the Chron people get a free pass from suspicion just because he whores himself out on video with regularity? Occam’s Razor, bitches.

So, do I care? Only a little. I like the people at the Chron in general. (After all, they did link to my edited mirror of this blog and put it on their main Texans page. That was cool.) At the same time, I have heard from a couple different emailers that some of the Chron writers have talked some smack about this blog being “not funny,” “rude,” and/or just written “to get a response.” OK, so maybe the first two accusations are true, at least to some people. But the third? Blow me. I am nothing if not transparent here–I sign my name to everything, I cite sources on nearly every story I write, and I don’t write anything I don’t believe myself (though, in cases like the “we should sign Simeon Rice” post, I was drunk at the time). So, to the extent that some of these people have taken exception to what I am doing here, I take exception to the idea that someone would so blatantly steal an idea. A little recognition, like a fucking hat tip or a “we saw this here and thought it would be fun to do one,” is not asking too much.

[Final side-note: I know that McClain and his posse did a remake of "The Night Before Christmas" last December. I do not consider that as evidence that they didn't rip DGDB&D off because (a) that's a fucking poem and (b) it's not a classic country song.]

UPDATE: Paul mentions that McClain has been talking about this song for “weeks” on 610. If his idea predates 9/14, then I fully admit that I am wrong. (About the song; I stand by the idea that Anna-Megan is less-than-adequate at best.) Of course, he might have also stole it from an 80s Oilers record, but whatever. Anyone know when he first mentioned it?

SECOND UPDATE: So, it seems, I jumped the gun on this. Fair enough. I am man enough to admit when I am wrong.

Tuesday Morning Dickhead

Sep 11, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, Dunta Robinson, Inanity, National Media, Righteous Indignation

I’ve never really enjoyed Gregg Easterbrook’s Tuesday Morning Quarterback column. I mean, prior to his firing by the WWL, it was very occasionally funny. At some point, though, he just became a caricature of himself. He went from trying to entertain to just trying to prove to his readers that he was the smartest dude on the internets.

I hadn’t read him in about a year when I stumbled onto the AFC Preview column that I linked to a couple posts ago. His preview of the Texans:

Bob McNair has spent freely — the Moo Cows had the seventh-highest NFL payroll in 2006 — yet still has a cover-your-eyes roster. Check the depth chart. The Texans have only three players (Andre Johnson, Dunta Robinson and DeMeco Ryans) who could have started for the Colts or Bears in the Super Bowl. Quarterback? A guy with two career starts. Tailback? A gent entering his 10th season, a stage when it’s rare for a running back to perform well. Offensive line? Ye gods.Tight end? Five bucks says you’ve never heard of him. Over on defense, the Texans field an impressive selection of high draft choices but don’t have much to show for it. Houston has invested its past five first-round draft choices, including the first overall choice of 2006, in four defensive linemen (Jason Babin, Travis Johnson, Mario Williams and Amobi Okoye) and a cornerback. Yet the Texans finished 23rd on defense in 2006 and might not get much help this year from Okoye, who’s impressive but might “redshirt” owing to entering the NFL at just 20 years of age because he started college young. As Len Pasquarelli has noted, not only has the Texans offense given up a league-high 272 sacks in the past five seasons but the defense has recorded a league-low 143 sacks. When your sacks differential is minus-129, your team is, what’s the word I am looking for … terrible.

This team is dull — among the dullest team in NFL annals. The Texans seem to skitter around haphazardly like figurines on a vibrating football board: In fact, here is an actual unretouched photograph of a Houston scrimmage. And what have the Texans done in the past two drafts? Passed on Reggie Bush, passed on Vince Young, passed on Brady Quinn, passed on Marshawn Lynch, traded out of a spot from which they could’ve selected Ted Ginn. This team dearly needs an injection of excitement.
***
Houston note 2: The Texans have 14 home victories in five years. Why is anyone buying tickets?

ANYWAY… following that “preview,” I decided to read his column today, just to see if he had anything positive to say about the Texans. Anything at all.

For seven years, this column has delivered something no other column in the entire sports alternate-reality even attempts — at least one item about every NFL game played. Henceforth, my promise to readers is amended: at least one item about every NFL game played, except for those games not mentioned. Keeping the original promise has been exhausting, especially considering Tuesday Morning Quarterback is my hobby, not my occupation. Last night, I cued up some tape of the Houston-Kansas City game and thought with a weary sigh, “Oh man, I gotta watch this until I notice something everybody else missed.” Then the heavens opened, a chorus angelorum sang and the football gods said, “Yea, verily, ye doth not.” Hence my policy change. I’ll continue to have at least one item about the majority of NFL games played.

So the idea of watching the game wherein the QB, RB, and DE you derided a few weeks ago played far better than you anticipated and the defense you mocked held Larry Johnson to 43 yards made you feel “weary?” What kind of bullshit cop-out is that? “Man, if I watch this game, I’m going to have to say something that will not comport with my preview. People will see me for the drivel-spewing elitist fraud that I am. Help me football gods!!! Oh… I know…I’ll just pretend like I am too busy to watch games not involving players I want to know in the biblical sense. Brilliant!”

You, sir, are a shitbag of the highest order. And, with that, I will link to the hilarious KSK spoof of TMQ.

Evil EYE

Sep 6, 2007 Inanity, KEYE sucks, National Media, Preview, Righteous Indignation, Self-Referential Stuff

Living as I do in the fourth circle of Hell–Little Rock–located just between the circle where Lloyd Carr will burn for eternity and the circle where Bud Adams will toil, it’s a rarity when I get to see the Texans on regular television. It’s pretty much limited to

• (a) when they play the Cowgirls, because they are “America’s Team” and, by “America,” I mean “Mouthbreathing Rednecks” (which appeals to the key demographic here);
• (b) when they play the Jaguars, because the Jags feature former Arkansas Razorback Matt Jones, whose career I gather is of much importance to people in a state without professional sports; and
• (c) when they play a very good team in the 3pm game, which is self-explanatory.

Of course, considering I don’t live in Texas, I don’t have a lot of room to complain about the above situation. I mean, we are technically closer to Dallas than just about any team save perhaps the Rams (I am too lazy to mapquest this assertion). And, hell, at least the collective Matt Jones bukkake party lets me see the Houston Juggernauts twice per season. So, yeah, it could be worse. But, again, that is because I live in Little Rock.

If I lived in Austin, TX, however, and had to deal with this kind of crap, I’d be livid. First of all, I am guessing Austinites (Austonians? Austronauts?) see a helluva lot of Cowboys games, despite being closer to the Space City than Romotropolis. Adding insult to this injury, though, it seems that the Austin affiliate has decided that Vince Young and the Titans are more television worthy than the Texans/Chiefs tilt.

Bud Adams stole the Oilers from Houston (now the Titans), left the city with a huge stadium bill to pay, and broke the hearts of Texas pro football fans all over the state. How does K-EYE repay a man that Texas wants to wash their hands of? Play their team over the local team in the state’s capitol [sic].

As I was rather bored today, I called KEYE to ask about the situation.

Random Lady: Kaaay-Eeee-Whyyyy-Eeee
Me: Hi, could you transfer me to programming?
RL: What is this regarding, hon?
Me: Um, your programming.
RL: Is this about the Texans?
Me: Are you in charge of programming?
RL: No.
Me: I see. So… can I speak to programming?
RL: Is anyone expecting your call?
Me: Well, I’d guess that they are expecting a whole lot of these calls if you are screening for them.
RL: I can give you a voicemail.
Me: Whose voicemail?
RL: Programmin’s.
Me: The person in charge of programming is named “Programmin?”
RL: Wh– hold on. [click]

That’s right… she hung up on me. Which makes me think I was not the first person to call about this situation. Reading some of the responses from Texans fans in the Austin viewing area, I doubt I will be the last.

An Open Letter to Mr. Randy Galloway

Aug 27, 2007 Inanity, Open Letters, Poetry, Righteous Indignation, Special Teams

Dear Randy,

I just wanted to write and offer a sincere “fuck you” in regards to your column–In Lousy Loss, Cowboys had Trifecta: Stink, Stank, Stunk–from this past Sunday.

To be clear, it’s not the overall message of your post I take issue with. I agree wholeheartedly that the Cowboys played like a bunch of ninnies. (That was the message of your post, wasn’t it? I find it so difficult to decipher poorly-written sports columns.)

No, my “fuck you” is directed at this line:

The Cowboys had an embarrassing “all three phases” first-half collapse against the Houston Texans, a team that will be lucky to win five regular-season games.

Lucky to win five, eh? And you are basing that on what, pray tell? My guess it that you’ve spent far too much time writing love letters to Tony Romo this offseason to actually look at the Texans. Of course, coming from Fort Worth–the ugly sister with an inbred crush on her drug-addict brother, Dallas–I suppose it only makes sense that you would be busy worshiping at the Altar of Botched Snaps.

Fact is, you were fed a steaming turd sandwich by a team that played its starters less than you did, rendered your blitzing defense more or less null and void, and featured a running back that your own announcers were laughing about until he ran all over you. Do you really want to say that this team is unlikely to wi–

Wait a second… did you really paraphrase “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” in your title?!? Did your group home arrange this job for you as a way to get you out in mainstream society? Do you wear a helmet? Are you going to treat your readers to “Romo Hears a Who” next? Would my message be easier for you to comprehend in some sort of rhyme?

I do not like you, sportswriting jerk
I do not like you, I hate your work
Your city’s a joke
Your analysis is too
From the depths of my heart
Randy, fuck you

I hope this helps. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
Matt

An Open Letter to the NFL Network

Aug 11, 2007 Batman, Inanity, NFL Network, Open Letters, Preseason 2007, Righteous Indignation, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment, Vinsanity

Dear NFL Network,

I appreciate the fact that you are re-airing tonight’s game, albeit at 11PM CST. That is very nice of you. As someone living well outside the Texans’ regular viewing area, it is nice to know that I can see the game, even if it’s after the fact.

What puzzles me, however, is why you would choose to air the Titans-Redskins game live in lieu of Texans-Bears. I really don’t understand. We are playing the reigning NFC champs. The Titans are playing… um… the one NFC East team that didn’t make the playoffs last year (and who finished with a worse record than Houston). We have a new QB and a new RB, in what could be seen as the launch of Texans v.2.0. The Titans have Vince Young and a whole sack of ass. ‘Tis puzzling.

I have to be honest–I feel like you are giving me the finger from your cushy little office. That’s not cool. That’s the type of shit Matt Mosley would do. And we both know how badly he sucks. So, next time, maybe ask yourself “does airing this game make any fucking sense?” Because right now, the answer would be a fat “no.”

Sincerely,
Matt

Bill Simmons knows all too well what can happen

Jun 18, 2007 Athletes who don't stab people, DeMeco Ryans, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Desperate times call for desperate MEshawns, Preview, Righteous Indignation, Teams that aren't the Texans

I was sitting here at my desk, daydreaming about pretzels and contemplating the overall awesomeness of me, when I realized something. It somehow became in vogue¹ to pick the Texans as a “sleeper” team. Stephanie did a rundown of the writers who claim the Texans are (conceivably, maybe) ready to (possibly) make the jump to the land of respectability this season.

Yes, it seems that, no matter where one looks, one is likely to find some sort of tale regarding the Texans and their potential lack of suckiosity. These stories usually fall into one of three categories: (1) Gary Kubiak is a brilliant savior of teams and drowning puppies, (2) Holy crap, the offensive line might not be gawd-awful, or (3) dang, there’s a lot of talent in that defensive front seven.

I certainly cannot disagree with any of those above premises; in fact, an overwhelming majority of my writing is based on those ideas.² And that is exactly why I hate these stories!

You see, though I do my best to pretend otherwise, I realize that my best work at DGDB&D comes in the form of righteous indignation at the slights I perceive to have been cast upon the Texans. In this way, I am not unlike the Red Sox fan, circa 2003³–we both enjoy defending our team against commonly held notions of their respective futility. Without that, we have to find a new identity. (Of course, unlike the Red Sox fan, losing the ability to complain about being shortchanged in the media would not also turn me into a gloating, insufferable turd. Unless we won the Super Bowl. In which case, it probably would.)

I am obviously being somewhat melodramatic here. No one in his or her right mind is predicting the Texans to win the Super Bowl (or even make the playoffs), and my prediction of 9 wins is probably the highest number you will see outside the TexansTalk message board. Still, running a blog about the Texans, especially in the offseason, is much easier when you can pick and chose from the list of commonly held beliefs about your team and try to shoot them down; if the team showing great improvement becomes a commonly held belief, I’ll just be part of the crowd chiming in.

With that in mind, I was somewhat happy to see this blurb from Matt Mosley on Hashmarks today.

When your best offseason move is hiring a Munich-based composer to come up with two new fight songs, you must be the Houston Texans.

Oh, sure, I called him a jerk in the comments, but that is more about keeping up appearances. I am glad to see that someone is still priming the pump⁴ of my righteous indignation.

[Author's note: About that "fight song" thing. It seems that the team has hired Sam Spence of NFL Films music fame to write two songs about the boys in Battle Red. I applied for the gig, but they weren't interested. If anyone wants to buy a song called "DeMeco Ryans plays so well, he can have his way with my mom," email me.]

¹Not to be confused with En Vogue, with their infectious “My lovin’/ yeah, you’re never gonna get it” groove.
²Along with, of course, (4) the trainwreck that is Petey Faggins, (5) random factoids about my life that none of you even pretend to care about, and (6) Keyshawn Johnson.
³Except I am usually not an obnoxious Masshole.
⁴Which sounds dirty, but isn’t.