Kickoff
Jun 27, 2008 2002 Draft, Fuck, Horribly obvious jokes, Huh?, Inanity, Kickoff, Sandy Vag, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
I suppose it’s better than learning from David Carr. In general, you probably shouldn’t try to teach things you don’t understand yourself. In that vein, I put Vince Young’s teaching of “proper QB technique” right up there with me teaching social grace and tact and BFD teaching about sex after 35. (H/T Eric)
Wow. Speaking of Zoolander, I lack the words to adequately describe the shirt/hat combo he’s wearing in this picture. I think I’ll go with “unfortunate, ridiculous, and gay as shit,” but I know that doesn’t quite get there.
Oh, fuck this. Finally, let’s just stick keep kicking Zoolander while he’s down because it’s Friday and this shit is fun. Is that a velour hat? And, um, that t-shirt is only funny if you get the pun, which would also make it sort of…well…inappropriate in this given situation. Good lord, every single day I am more glad that Sandy is gone.
Thanks, Joey!
Jun 25, 2008 2002 Draft, Awfulness, Sandy Vag, Stats
According to Pro Football Reference, it was only the amazing levels of suckitude put forth by Joey Harrington and Rick Mirer that kept David Carr from topping the Worst QB (Career) list. But, still, I guess he can point to one other QB from the same time period and say, “See! I told you I wasn’t THAT bad!”
Plus, I suppose Carr could point to the fact that only during his 2002 season was he the worst QB in the league. And his 2002 season was only the fourth worst in history. So, yeah…maybe we totally misread the guy.
From the article:
Here’s a list of the 25 worst seasons by any QB:
year att pyd ptd icp sk-syd any/a Rating Bud Schwenk 1942 CRD 295 1360 6 27 - 0.69 -1243 Jack Jacobs 1948 GNB 184 848 5 21 - -0.26 -1158 Jake Plummer 1999 ARI 381 2111 9 24 27-152 2.38 -1017 Archie Manning 1975 NOR 338 1683 7 20 49-390 1.20 - 972 David Carr 2002 HOU 444 2592 9 15 76-411 3.07 - 942
And more:
How about the worst QB in the league for every season since the merger?
Quarterback Year Team ANY/A Rating Trent Dilfer 2007 SFO 2.09 - 754 Andrew Walter 2006 OAK 2.69 - 764 Kyle Orton 2005 CHI 2.97 - 815 A.J. Feeley 2004 MIA 3.15 - 806 Joey Harrington 2003 DET 3.56 - 738 David Carr 2002 HOU 3.07 - 942
And the rest:
Okay, I know what you’re all waiting for. Let’s get to the career list.
Quarterback Att Rate Joey Harrington 2538 -2129 Rick Mirer 2043 -2081 David Carr 2206 -1804
The methodology for these ratings can be found here. This is either hilariously sad or depressingly funny, I’m not sure which.
Kickoff
Jun 25, 2008 Andre Johnson, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Batman, Curious Coaching, I really dig my readers, Jacoby Jones' beer bong, Kickoff, Sandy Vag
Über-commenter Eric came through today with three solid links and a kick ass picture, so this is the all-Eric Kickoff Edition.
Idiot-Proofing The Offseason. As we’ve seen (Mario Wililams, Jacoby Jones), free time can be dangerous for young players with lots of money. There’s only so much you can do about that through the winter and spring, but Smithiak have found a way to deal with it during the summer–shorten the amount of freetime by extending summer workouts.
One team subscribing to this theory is Houston. The Texans started their offseason program March 31 and won’t conclude until the week after July 4th, leaving less than two weeks between the end of the program and the start of training camp on July 25. It’s clear Texans GM Rick Smith and coach Gary Kubiak are hoping this wrinkle will pay dividends on the field. In a copycat league, many teams will be looking at the Texans to see how this plays out.
God, let them be smarter than the average Pats fan. A prediction from a Patriots blog re: AFC South standings. The Texans’ final record is a thing of beauty, this line about VY is gold. “VY needs to improve his incredibly poor accuracy. He seriously can’t hit a group of shirtless men in a bar.”
Not earth-shaking, but still informative. A USA Today piece breaking down the offseason changes, the need for people (read: Green, Schaub, Johnson) to stay healthy, and the arrival of Alex Gibbs.
Cannot Approach Reasonable Respectability. Finally, a little flashback humor.
Top 5 Worst Offensive Texans
Jun 24, 2008 Inanity, Ranting, Sandy Vag, Top 5, Tremendous Busts
Picking up where we left off yesterday, with the same 10-start requirement in place.
5. Corey Bradford, WR. I don’t ask for a whole lot from my WRs, but I do expect things like, oh, at least 700 yards receiving or a fuckton of TDs. I got neither from Bradford, despite all the talk that he was going to give us a true WR1. Instead, we got 500 yards and 4.5 TDs per season for 4 years. Asshole.
4. Todd Wade, OT. Helluva price tag for a guy who couldn’t even play RIGHT tackle very well. It seems almost unfair to include offensive linemen in this list since we don’t know how much better they might have looked without Captain Fetal under Center, but who really cares about “fair” when you are bitching about your own team? Perception is everything, baby! And I perceive Wade to have been a severely overpaid turd who couldn’t block you in a game of Connect Four.
3. Jabari Holloway, TE. Ah, Jabari…the third piece of the TE shitheap (that also included Joppru and Miller). You couldn’t catch (they dropped you and kept Billy Miller the following season), you couldn’t block (Mark Breuner looked like a god-send after you were gone), yet you started 17 games in two seasons. Odd.
2. Seth Wand, OT. Wand paired with Wade to form the least formidable set of bookends I think I’ve ever seen. Hell, Wand is the posterchild for the whole “The Texans Need An Offensive Line” mantra that the press has fed us for six seasons. Or, at least, he would be the posterchild if he’d ever been good enough for non-Texans fans to remember who the hell he was. I hate you, Seth Wand. I hate you so very, very much.
1. David Carr, QB. As if there was any doubt who would be number one?
Also receiving votes: Jabar Gaffney, Milford Brown (and Tony Hollings would be on here for sure but for the 10-start thingie.)
***All stats again from Pro Football Reference.
Top 5 Worst Decisions By Texans Brass
Jun 20, 2008 2002 Draft, 2004 Draft, Anger, Awfulness, Bad Idea Jeans, Sandy Vag, Top 5, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts
As we continue channeling my inner Rob Gordon, we turn to another not-so-pleasant list of memories: the top 5 all-time front office fuck-ups. I promise to move on to something positive at some point, but that ain’t today, bitches.
(H/T to Dave for the topic idea.)
5. Signing Todd Wade. In 2004, we gave this turd a 6-year, $30MM contract with $10MM signing bonus. Over the next two seasons, he received just over $12MM in salary and bonuses. In that same timeframe, he contributed roughly $48 worth of actual quality gameplay.
4. Refusing to employ a 3-4 NT in a 3-4 Defense. You know, I liked Seth Payne. You probably liked Seth Payne. Seth Payne was a seemingly nice dude and he worked his ass off. In a 4-3, defense, that kind of attitude and work ethic might have paid big dividends. In a 3-4, when you are only 303 lbs, that kind of effort is necessary to stay afloat. Sam Adams, Casey Hampton, Jamal Williams–these are 3-4 NTs. Seth Payne was not, yet we never ever got one, despite running that D for 4+ years. I hate you Dom Capers.
3. Trading back to take Travis Johnson over Derrick Johnson. Man…just…I mean…FUCK. Derrick Johnson was the dude I wanted most in that draft, he was sitting RIGHT THERE, and we decide to say, “nah, fuck it, let’s take this other Johnson.” Great. And then that Other Johnson turns out to be a retard dickhead who hasn’t lived up to his potential at all. AWESOME. HAPPY DAYS. I’M MOVING ON BEFORE SOMEONE DIES.
2. The David Carr Experience. I had about three different, Carr-specific decisions for this list, but I figured I’d just lump them together and give him the penultimate place on this list. Let’s see–passing over Julius Peppers–who was an obvious monster–to take a Fresno State pretty boy with a meddling daddy? Letting him “play” for five seasons, despite a mountain of evidence piling up that he was either too shell-shocked or too shitty to play the position? Watching him seem oblivious to his own shittiness and grin like a retard even after losses? Keeping him around for an additional $8MM roster bonus as some sort of reclamation project for Kubiak? Wow, Dave. Thanks for the memories. May you burn in hell.
1. Trading for Phillip Buchanon. On the surface, for a moment or three, this seemed like a decent move by the Texans. I mean, the pricetag was high (a 2d and a 3d), but Buchanon had shown the ability to be a top-flight corner, and now we had him. Of course, any love and admiration for P.Buch evaporated like a wet fart in August once he took the field and displayed a complete inability to tackle anyone. At all. Ever. I still have nightmares of his attempted “tackle” against Pittsburgh.
Also receiving votes: The continued employment of Petey Faggins, the cost of Jason Babin, throwing multiyear money at Ahman Green, and 94% of the other decisions made by Casserly/Capers
David Carr’s dirty secret
Jun 19, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Inanity, Sandy Vag, Zoolander's blond love interest
Carr residence, 10:43 P.M.
Melody Carr: (lying in bed, next to her husband) Davey. Hey, Davey…you feel like fooling around a little? (inches close to him) It’s been a little while. Like…six months, I think. I really miss the feel of making love to you. I want to be in your arms.
David Carr: (pouting) I dunno. I suppose we could.
Melody: What’s wrong, hon? Did I do something wrong? I just…I don’t understand why you never want to make love to me. What has happened to our sex life? Do you not find me attractive anymore?!
David: Sure…I…do…. It’s just, well, I just think that maybe we should do some stuff to, say, spice our sex life up a little bit. It’s not that I am bored, really…but, ya know…I think we need to be a little more, um, adventurous from time to time?
Melody: Like what–something other than missionary? You want to leave the lights on or something?!
David: Well, yeah, kinda. But, I was thinking, you know, um…maybe we could work some costumes into the mix. Nothing weird like Little Bo Peep, just more regular costumes.
Melody: (hesitating) Cos-tumes? Like what?
David: (reaching under the bed for a box) Well, I got some stuff here. Nothing specific–just a couple random ideas I had at some point prior to today. I mean, not that I’ve been planning this or anything. Anyway, first, why don’t you put on this wig?
Melody: That’s a blond wig, David. I already have blond hair.
David: I know, but this one is wavier than your hair. And I like the shape of it.
Melody: The shape? David, that is a mullet. Why do you want me in a wavy blond mullet wig? That doesn’t make any sense at all. (pauses) You know, what? Nevermind, this is something you want and if it’s going to help our sex life, I’m going to keep an open mind about it. (Puts the wig on.)
David: Very nice. I’m getting excited already. Now…I was thinking we could draw some tattoos on you. Something edgy, but still artistic and classy.
Melody: Huh?
David: (takes out Sharpie) Yeah, some real cool stuff on your shoulder and arm. (starts drawing on her) Like, um, I’ll draw a big eagle head here on your right arm. (draws big eagle head on her right arm) And, yeah, in the background, I’ll do an American Flag. (in background, draws American flag)
Melody: Wow. I, um–I had no idea that you liked tattoos. Isn’t that a little manly, though?
David: No! Not at all! It’s very feminine. OK, then I was thinking that you could put on a football jersey. I have one of mine right here.
Melody: That’s not your jersey, Dave. That’s number 80. That’s Jeremy’s jersey.
David: Oh…hmm…I must’ve grabbed the wrong one on the way out. No biggie, you can go ahead and wear it. 80, 8…same same, ya know?
Melody: Ewww! What is that smell?!
David: Um…dunno…maybe I grabbed the jersey from the dirty pile instead of the clean pile. It’s just a little sweet musky odor. No big deal, right? I mean, you said you were going to keep an open mind about this…
Melody: No no…that’s fine. It’s only a little smelly. I can wear it (gags as she pulls it over her head) EWW…it’s still damp. David, this is gross. I’m only doing this because I love you. I hope you realize that.
David: I do, honey. I appreciate it a lot. Now, turn around so I can see the wig and the jersey. (mumbling) Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about it. God, I want you to fuck me.
Melody: What?
David: Uh…you look awesome. There’s just one more thing I want you to put on before we make love. It’s over there, in my top drawer.
Melody: OK. (walks to drawer, opens it) OHMIGOD!!! David, this is a used jockstrap with a dildo duct-taped to it! What the fuck do you want me to do with that!?!? (turns to see David naked, face down on the bed, clutching a giant tube of Anal-Eze) Oh Lord!! (faints)
David: Damn it! I was this fucking close!
An Open Letter to David Carr
Mar 14, 2008 Anger, Blasphemy, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Open Letters, Ranting, Sandy Vag, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Dear Homo,
When you lost your job first to a 44-year-old QB and then to an undrafted rookie, I assumed we were done hearing from you. I mean, any QB with any fucking sense would just go away, but I suppose “any fucking sense” is giving you way too much credit. After all, if you’d had any fucking sense, you wouldn’t have spent half a decade scrambling into opposing rushers and working “Fetal Position Blue on 3″ into the playbook, right?
What I don’t get, though, is why you feel the need to continue saying shit that makes you seem borderline retarded. Because, really, it seems like every time you get a change of scenery, you say some kind of ignorant-ass thing that makes it seem like YOU are not the cause of your own problems. Which we both know is a goddamned lie.
Here…allow me to refresh your memory. When you got signed by Carolina [Author's note: Scoreboard, bitch.], you remarked:
As far as the talent on this team, it’s something I haven’t been around. It’s fun for me, just coming out here and playing with a group, both offensively and defensively, that has (so) much skill. […] If you’re not having fun, it’s going to be like what I had the last couple of years where you almost don’t even want to come to work.
How’d all that “talent” and “skill” work out for you, cockmouth? Oh…wait…that’s right.
Anyway, like I said, I thought we were officially done with you after you lost your job twice and posted a stellar 58.3 rating. At worst, I assumed you’d sign somewhere and quietly collect a paycheck from the sidelines, lest ye really make an ass of yourself. “No way,” I thought, “will he try to claim that his failures were due to BOTH of his teams not being good.”
I guess I underestimated your competitiveness douchebaggedness. How else do you explain this:
I have a lot of calluses, Carr said. I’m like an old carpenter[;] I’ve been through it. If you let that stuff affect you, you’re not going to be able to do your job. One of the reasons I’m excited about coming here is they protect the quarterback well and they have playmakers on the outside.
“Playmakers,” huh? Seriously? Have you taken so many dicks to the throat hits to the skull that you’ve forgotten about Andre Johnson catching 103 balls in 2006 and generally keeping you from looking even worse than you already did? Or about Steve Smith having success with every QB in Carolina last year except for you? Or abou– Hold up! Are you really saying that Plaxico Burress is better than Andre Johnson and Steve Smith? Fuck you, dude.
I know you are probably thinking this is just sour grapes on my part. That’s what asshole losers like you tend to claim when someone points out what an asshole loser you are. But it’s not sour grapes–we are well past that point. No, this is a genuine, unfettered missive of hatred. I went from just being glad you were gone to enjoying watching you fail to sincerely hating you with every fiber of my being, all in less than a year. I only take solace in the fact that pretty much everyone other than you, your wife, and your dad realize how much you fucking suck and, therefore, no one takes your comments to be much more than the insipid drivel they are.
I’ve got $10 that says you don’t see the field next year.
Yours in Christ,
Matt
P.S. I hope you have to watch your mother get sodomized by a pit bull. Twice.
Don’t forget to pack those gloves, Zoolander
Feb 11, 2008 2007 Season, Awesomeness, David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Free Agency, Sandy Vag, Sucks to be John Fox, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
I suppose I should take the high road, but that is clearly not my style. So file this under “Things That Continue To Make Me Laugh.”
CHARLOTTE – It’s time to begin trimming the fat from NFL rosters.
The Carolina Panthers, like other teams around the league, are free to begin releasing unwanted players Monday morning as the NFL waiver wire picks up. The cuts will come for various reasons – age, overall ineffectiveness, injury concerns and high salary cap figures.
After finishing 7-9 in 2007 and failing to make the playoffs for a second straight season, the Panthers are likely to see plenty of turnover. As owner Jerry Richardson said last month, the Panthers can’t afford to have a “ho-hum” off-season.
That means the team will be looking to make changes. And to make room for the new, the Panthers in many cases will have to part with the old.
And while the cuts won’t all come Monday – and, in fact, some may takes weeks or months to make as the team makes certain it has a replacement in place – you can bet the Panthers roster will look very different when they report to training camp in July.
That said, here are a number of players who should be a little concerned with their job security over the off-season:
QB David Carr
Reasons to cut him: Carr looked frightened in the pocket and his teammates quickly lost all confidence in him. By the end of the season coach John Fox was even afraid to play Carr, demoting him to third string. With a cap figure of more than $4 million, keeping Carr would be, well… ludicrous.
Reasons to keep him: Can’t think of any.
My take: To me, this is easiest cut in franchise history. I would anticipate the team will waste little time parting with Carr.
Over/under on how long it takes before he starts blaming the players around him and suggesting that, had there been more talent, he would have succeeded?
“A man without hand is not a man. I’ve got so much hand I’m coming out of my gloves.”
Dec 5, 2007 2007 Season, Fake Conversations with Real People, Fisted by Jessica Alba, I guess this storyline has run its course...or has it?, Non-Texan stuff, Sandy Vag, Sucks to be John Fox, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Saturday, November 24, 2007. Panthers locker room, top shelf of locker #8.
David Carr’s Left Glove: Psst. PSST! Righty, you awake?
David Carr’s Right Glove: Guh! I am now, asshole. I was dreaming about getting fisted by Jessica Alba, you jerk.
Lefty: My bad, dude.
Righty: S’alright. What’s up?
Lefty: Well, I was thinking. This whole “actually being on the field” thing sucks. There’s a grass stain on my palm that will probably never come out. Captain Buttplug can’t keep himself upright long enough to do anything and we are taking a beating because of it.
Righty: Dude, TELL me about it. If John Candyass goes all fetal position and lands on me again, I’m going to fucking lose it.
Jar of Pomade: (lisping) Would you two shut the hell up? Some of us are trying to sleep.
Lefty: Don’t make me slap the shit out of you, hair snot. I’m not even fucking kidding. I’ll shove you to the goddamned floor and break your jar again. You didn’t like that last time, did ya?
Pomade: (lisping) Asshole.
Righty: Homo.
Lefty: ANYWAY, here’s what I was thinking. If you can make the Rump Ranger look like total shit tomorrow, that might just do it. I mean, Coach Fox is pissed as it is–surely one more bad game would do it. And it’s not like you’ll have to work that hard–he’s totally capable of looking like shit on his own. You just need to kick it up a notch or two.
Righty: Dude, that’s brilliant! If we do this right, we’ll get to hang out on the sideline and hold a clipboard for the rest of the year.
Lefty: Man, I love holding a clipboard. It fe–
Jockstrap: Guys, not to butt in, but I am not totally sure about this. We could get in a lot of trouble.
Righty: Listen here, cockrag–no one asked you. If I want an opinion on the relative merits of shaved testicles as compared to unshorn, I’ll find you. Otherwise, shut the fuck up and contemplate just how ironically useless you are.
Lefty: So, it’s settled?
Righty: Hell yeah. It’s on.
Sunday, November 25, 2007, 2:15PM CST.
Lefty: Dude, what are you doing?! He’s completing passes to Steve! That is so not cool! It’s second and eight from midfield–fucking throw an interception!!
Righty: OK, OK…chill out. I got this. (pulls thumb off the ball too early)
Radio Announcer: “Carr takes the snap, steps up in the pocket. He looks left. He fires deep to Carter down the left side aaaaaaannnnnnd INTERCEPTED!! Carr threw that ball right where Craft could get his hands on it. That ball never had a chance. New Orleans takes over at their own twenty-one.”
Lefty: AWESOME! Nice fucking throw, man!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU FUCKING SUCK!!!!! BOOOOOOOOO!!!! WE WANT MOORE! WE WANT MOORE! GET THIS TURD BURGLAR OUT!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Righty: Dude! Look! Coach Fox is over there, talking to Matt Moore. It looks like he’s telling the kid to warm up! We did it!
Lefty: Fuckin-A, man. Fuckin-A.
MIZZOU-RAH! MIZZOU-RAH! MIZZOU-RAH, TIGERS!
Dec 1, 2007 2008 Draft, Blasphemy, Boobies, Drunky Drunkerton, Inanity, Non-Texan stuff, Ohio State makes baby Jesus cry, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Sandy Vag, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment
So, let me get this straight. The University of Missouri, the same institution where I spent my freshman year of college, is playing the Oklahoma Land-Thieving Criminals for both the Big XII title and the opportunity to play for the National Championship. Even more importantly for my purposes, however, a win by both MU and WVU means that the necropedophiles of Ohio State will be shut out of the title game.
Yeah, you could say I am interested. (As I wrote that sentence, OU took a 7-3 lead. Jerks.)
But, push coming to shove, I would take an MU loss and an OSU national title (ugh) if the Texans could go into Nashville and beat the holy living shit out of Vince Young. I’m not talking about a win–I want a win, but that would not be enough to offset Lucifer in a Sweater Vest winning a title. Rather, I am talking about Mario Williams separating one or more of Vince’s joints on a hit that makes my television rattle as time expires on a 27-3 JUGGERNAUT victory.
In Schaub’s name, I pray.
Last week: 4-9 (yikes)
Season: 103-69
Week 13 Picks
San Francisco @ Carolina. When Zoolander was signed by Carolina, a number of non-Texans fans told me “you’ll see…he’ll catch on somewhere else and be really good; it was all the Texans fault.” In recent weeks, no fewer than four of them have since retracted that position and admitted that, yes, David Carr does suck immeasurably. Then again, the 49ers are poster children for sucking. I haven’t seen this much sucking in one place since I let my subscription to SugarDVD lapse. Pick: San Francisco
Buffalo @ Washington. I would like to think that the Redskins are going to come out and lay a royal smackdown in memory of Sean Taylor. Unfortunately, they have played like ass when Taylor has not been there. Something has to give, I guess. On the other hand, Buffalo shat upon me last week, so I won’t pick them on the road in a game like this. Pick: Washington
JUGGERNAUT @ Tennessee. Prior to heading off to Nashville, where it is likely he will be arrested after shanking Bud Adams, Tim was stuck in meetings for two days. Because I am a nice person who has absolutely nothing to do at work most of the time, I sent emails to distract him. At one point, I was bitching about certain aspects of my job–talking to rapists, looking at pictures of dead babies, etc.–when I mentioned that two months ago, I was forced to take pictures of a prisoner’s dick. Yep. As if that’s not bad enough, it actually happened twice; first I took pictures in the “natural” state and then I was sent back two days later where I had to wait for him to get “ready” in a bathroom so that I could photograph it that way. Now, I work about twenty minutes per week, rarely get to work before 9 or leave after 4, and somehow I still feel like I am losing in this bargain. Pick: Houston
Atlanta @ St. Louis. ATL to STL / on them things and crunk as hell / Your system blast, then let it bump / Spark the L and raise it up. Pick: Atlanta
Seattle @ Philadelphia. The next person who says that the Eagles showed a “blueprint” for beating the Pats gets a mouthful of basset hound shit. I’m not even playing–I have the hound and I’m not afraid to use him. Pick: Seattle
Detroit @ Minnesota. I might have overreached last week when I said that there was no way the Vikings would shut down the Giants’ passing game. (Current game score: OU 7, MU 6.) So, we have a Vikings team that may have AP back against a Detroit Christketeers team that seems in a freefall. Seems too obvious. Pick: Detroit
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis. From Big Cat Country’s “Fyodor Dostoevsky’s guide to the AFC South: Absurd Metaphors for everyone!“: “Dimitri is a character obsessed with obtaining redemption, obsessed with rising above his background and overcoming the burden of sin in his heart. Jacksonville is at team obsessed with overcoming the Colts, of overcoming their reputation as an inconsistent and emotional team, and finally finding their Grushenka. The obsession only enhances their emotional intensity, and it’s not until they overcome that intensity and play with focus that they’ll find themselves at the top of the AFC South.” Umm, yeah. That’s what I was going to say. Copy cat. Pick: Indianapolis
San Diego @ Kansas City. New rule: You lose to the Raiders one week, I pick against you the next. Pick: San Diego.
New York Jets @ Miami. If you are the Dolphins, in addition to being ungodly inept at pretty much everything, you have to consider this game your last, best chance to actually win a game this year. Which you probably won’t. Assuming the Dolphins get the first overall pick, who do you think they take? If they assume Ronnie Brown will recover, they probably don’t take Darren McFadden. They just drafted John Beck, so it’s unlikely they’d take Brian Brohm or Matt Ryan. The defense is getting kind of old, so a pick like Glenn Dorsey makes sense, but do they take him #1 overall? In the end, they’ll find some way to screw this thing up. Go ‘Phins. Pick: New York Jets
Denver @ Oakland. Oh, Mike Shannahan, you wily genius. People say you can’t kick to Devin Hester, you show them by kicking to Devin Hester. Common sense can’t hold YOU down, Mike. No way, no how. Thankfully, you get a game this week against a team that is lucky to beat their scout team in a given practice. Pick: Denver
(OU 14, MU 6. Fuck.)
Cleveland @ Arizona. I was going to write something about John McClain right here, but I am going to rant instead. Why the fuck can NO ONE get the reverse/double reverse thing down? Missouri just got a two-point conversion on a reverse option, yet Kirk “I want to have sex with Darren McFadden” Herbstreit said “double reverse” no fewer than six times. Is this so hard? Hell, it wasn’t even an end around that started the play–it was an inside handoff to the RB, who handed to the WR on the reverse. This is pretty much the classic reverse, aside from Chase Daniel starting the play in the shotgun. Sweet Christ. (OU 14, MU 14. Halftime.) Pick: Cleveland.
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans. NFC South–catch the thrill! If you were building a team right now, would you rather have Earnest Graham or Reggie Bush? Yeah, me too. Pick: Tampa Bay
New York Giants @ Chicago Bears. If this isn’t the greatest picture ever, it is certainly on the short list. Ah, alcohol…the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems. Pick: New York Giants
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh. I am generally a contrarian bastard when it comes to pretty much everything sport-related. The world hates Barry Bonds? I love the guy. The world wants the Pats to lose? 19-0, baby. I don’t do this on purpose, but it is an incredibly consistent part of my personality. Strangely, however, my feelings on Chad Johnson have mirrored the public sentiment; he’s gone from being outlandish and hilarious to annoying and contrived in a pretty short span of time. I sort of miss the Barry Sanders approach to being in the endzone–act like you’ve been there before and you plan to be there again soon. Pick: Pittsburgh
New England @ Baltimore. Correct me if I am wrong, but you do have to score at least two points to win a football game, right? Sucks for Baltimore. Pick: New England
UPDATE: Fuckin’ Mizzou. Well, at least WVU lost as well, so there is still hope that someone who can beat OSU will get in the game with them.
You’ll be the first modern-day pirate, Jerry!
Oct 5, 2007 2007 Season, Batman, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fuck the Cowboys, Inanity, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Sandy Vag, Self-Referential Stuff, Vacation-related posts
Before we get to this week’s picks, for which I know you are all waiting with bated breath, we here at DGDB&D have an important, late-breaking announcement.
Saturday, October 20, 2007, yours truly will be in the Space City. While this standing alone is not really newsworthy, this part is: The Notorious T.I.M. and I will be getting together at an as-yet-undetermined bar for another round of BLOG DORK DRINKING. Now long-time readers–by which I mean “anyone who was reading at the end of July–might recall that my last trip to H-town did not exactly go off without a hitch. (Some jerks continue to mock me for this. Jerks.)
This has the potential to be bigger than a P-Diddy afterparty. Or, it could just wind up being less than 5 people again. Whatever. The first thing we need to do is determine which unlucky watering hole will be hosting this, the mother of all parties. (Too much hype?) That’s where you, the reader, come in. Suggest away, but with the following caveat: I don’t really do “hip.” I don’t want to feel like the oldest person in the room, either. Oh, and it should not be the type of place where David Carr would feel comfortable. If you know what I mean. Let’s get this party started.
Last week: 7-7 (eww.)
Season: 37-24
Week 5 Picks
Byes: Oakland, Cincinnati, Minnesota, and Philadelphia
Atlanta @ Tennessee. You wouldn’t have known it by looking at last week’s game (dammit), but the Falcons are pretty awful against the run. And Tennessee is pretty not-awful when it comes to running the football. I’m also kinda sure that Tennessee will not make the same mistakes we did (mainly because they don’t have Petey Faggins), so Harrington will not look like the love child of Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas. Pick: Tennessee
Jacksonville @ Kansas City. You know what? It’s about time some of the other damn teams in the AFC South start losing a few games. Analysis is out the window, as is any sort of reasoning. (See, I’m just like Gary Kubiak!!!) Fuck you, David Garrard. Pick: Kansas City
Arizona @ St. Louis. Gus Frerotte? Seriously? Pick: Arizona
Cleveland @ New England. I just traded for Randy Moss, giving up Ronnie Brown (aka Mr. Sell High) and Steve Smith. I might have given up a little too much, but I just can’t trust my WR production to David Carr. I mention this only to warn other Randy Moss owners, because anyone on my team this season is highly likely to miss time with an injury (Steven Jackson, Ahman Green, Jacoby Jones, Jake Delhomme, etc.) Pick: New England
Carolina @ New Orleans. Question: How can the Panthers, who we beat handily not that long ago and who are now piloted by their magnificently quaffed backup QB, be higher in the ESPN power rankings than the Texans? Follow-up question: How many more 2 catch games is Steve Smith going to have before he snaps and beats the shit out of someone in the locker room? Final question: Is anyone else as excited (in a schadenfreude kind of way) about seeing Reggie Bush attempt to be a primary back as I am? Pick: New Orleans
New York Jets @ New York Giants. Wow. I mean, seriously, WOW. When I picked Philly to win last week against NYG, I didn’t factor in Winston Justice, who apparently could not stop me from getting to Donovan McNabb, let alone stop the Nigerian Jesus, Osi Umenyiora. The Giants probably won’t get 12 sacks again this week, but I imagine the Jets QBs made the same faces watching the game tape as a dude would make as he realized the topless chick on the Girls Gone Wild video was his daughter. Pick: New York Giants
Seattle @ Pittsburgh. It’s a rematch of the Super Bowl that no one outside of those two cities care about at all. Wasn’t Jerome Bettis involved in some way? Something about that lime green accent color makes me hate the Seahawks. Besides which, Pittsburgh is much better than they looked last week. Pick: Pittsburgh
Detroit @ Washington. I’m no doctor–shocking, I know–but when a guy gets hit in the head and suddenly thinks Jesus is talking to him, that might be a sign that the concussion is pretty bad and NOT a sign that the Almighty gives two shits about the Detroit Lions. And when those same Lions beat the shitty Bears, I don’t think that’s proof that the Lions are blessed or special. I mean, do you think God would let his favorite team be piloted by Matt Millen for so long? Even Job didn’t have it THAT bad. Pick: Washington
Miami @ JUGGERNAUT. Miami has a porous run defense. Luckily for them, they get Zach Thomas back AND get to face Ron Dayne. That’ll cure what ails ya; just ask the Falcons. THAT SAID, I like the Texans in this game because (a) I think they’ll knock the shit out of Trent “Noodle-Arm” Green and (b) I don’t think Ronnie Brown will get much of anything this week against our run D. Of course, the wild card in my scenario continues to be the blind, one-legged, retarded midget playing CB2. Still, we’ll right the ship this week. Pick: Houston
Tampa Bay @ Indianapolis. Like you, I am lost as to how the Bucs keep winning. Thankfully, this week, I don’t have to think about it. Instead, I can focus on eating my weight in ribs at Cozy Corner and Rendezvous in Memphis tomorrow. I’m drooling now. Pick: Indy
San Diego @ Denver. I’m trying to come up with an analogy for what Norv Turner has done to this team. How about this: remember the Seinfeld episode where George was the hand model? Well, last year’s Chargers were George and Norv Turner is the hot iron that George falls into at the end. Or, alternatively, the Chargers were River Phoenix and Norv Turner is heroin. Pick: Denver
Baltimore @ San Francisco. I cannot find one interesting or entertaining thing about this game. So, instead, I’ll mention again that I really do want some bar suggestions. Pick: Baltimore
Chicago @ Green Bay. So, yeah, that Brian Griese thing…not as impressive as I’d hoped. Pick: Green Bay
Dallas @ Buffalo. The pick is obvious. The only question is will Buffalo even score? God, I hate the Cowboys. Pick: Dallas
It’s not a purse. It’s European.
Aug 8, 2007 Inanity, Sandy Vag, Seinfeld
I fully expect one of you to buy me this. Or a few of you can pretend I am Joe Mayo and split the cost.
TOTALLY UNRELATED UPDATE: I am throwing this link in here because I don’t have much to say about it and this post was too short. Make up your own punchlines.
Ain’t it just like a friend of mine to hit me from behind
Aug 6, 2007 David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Preview, Sandy Vag, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans
Considering I have never been there, I have a surprising number of friends who either hail from or currently reside in North Carolina. Nearly every one of them has given me some form of the “I think David Carr is going to be great in Carolina” spiel. I pointed out tiny little things like how he was told not to try to read defenses because he wasn’t good at it, or that he throws like a ninny, or that he caused many of his own protection problems by refusing to get rid of the ball, but they–for the most part–ignored me.
I found this simultaneously funny and grating. And I assumed all Panthers fans were in agreement that Zoolander was going to lead them to the promised land.
Thankfully, reader Dan sent along this blurb from one more sensible Panthers fan:
It’s very obvious that Delhomme is our starter and the better QB by far from any of them out there. Anyone who thinks Carr should start needs to get to TC and just watch him. Overthrowing, underthrowing, fumble (Carr getting Shelton the ball late), dancing feet – ugh!! He needs to step up or settle down or something. He is most definitely a project, didn’t look like he’s been playing for 5 years. He has a “wind up” to his throw that reminds me of a pitcher’s short wind up but he does throw it hard. Did see him, also, just “toss” it with his wrist and it was still thrown hard.
I think Basinez did better than Carr or Bell. Heck, Bell was better than Carr.
Anytime Smitty was out there, every one of the 4 QBs only looked at him and only threw to him. I certainly hope that changes by the end of TC. If he wasn’t out there, they all read through their progressions.
Ahh… a voice of reason, blowing in from the East. Not that I care, really; if they want to bench a QB who took them to the Super Bowl in favor of a retread who doesn’t know the meaning of “read through a progression,” that’s fine with me. I just hope they do it before week 2, so we can benefit.
UPDATE: Reader Jersey Bill sends this link to a video on the Charlotte Observer’s website along with this comment: “You have got to be fucking kidding me that Carr would double-pump during a training camp drill. He will never get it.”
Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?
Aug 2, 2007 David Carr has Post-Concussion Syndrome, Inanity, Sandy Vag
Meanwhile, back in Spartanburg, SC…
By bringing in Zoolander, the Panthers managed to find the one QB in the NFL with an uglier throwing motion than Cajun Jake. Of course, that doesn’t worry the Panthers. Oh no. They think it’s a laugh riot when Sandy drops back to pass.
Kids, cover your eyes.
‘We look like two guys who are just out of the freaking boat, just swinging out there,’ Carr conceded Wednesday.
Ok, first, I have no idea what Carr’s quote means. Off of what boat? Swinging what? Second, “Kids, cover your eyes” accurately describes the David Carr Experience. In total. Enjoy.
The article continues
Carr, who signed a free-agent deal in April, said one thing he enjoys about being with the Panthers is that quarterbacks coach Mike McCoy hasn’t tried to mess with his throwing motion, as the Texans’ coaches did.
Just a hunch, but that could be because you are the backup QB. I seriously doubt if Capers or Kubiak were spending a lot of time worrying about the deliveries of Dave Ragone or Sage Rosenfels. Then again, neither of them throws like Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds, so who knows.
Sandy again talked about this hot topic with the media following Wednesday’s practice. We have obtained the unedited copy of the quote.
On how he developed his unorthodox throwing style: I started when I was 12 and it just kept on working [until I got to the NFL]. It wasn’t until I got into the NFL did they really start to talk about it[, saying things like "Jesus Christ, why are you throwing like a cripple?!"]. Here, they just let me worry about other things [like holding the clipboard and making sure my hair is perfect]. That’s what’s great about Mike[; he lets me hold the clipboard with either hand]. We work on footwork drills and things like putting arc on the ball, but not the actual mechanics of me throwing the football. [We tried working on mechanics at first, but he mumbled something about "hopeless lost cause" and quit.] I can’t tell you what a relief it is for Mike to just let me go out there and play ball [in my comfy red jersey, where I am safe from the bad men]. It’s been nice, man[, collecting a paycheck without doing anything productive; it's a lot like it was in Houston]. Real nice.
