DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

An Open Letter to Bill Simmons, From My Giants-Fan Buddy, Rendhel

Feb 4, 2008 Anger, Cooper Manning gently weeps, Curious Coaching, Fuck the Cowboys, National Media, Open Letters, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Tremendous Busts, Winner winner chicken dinner

How Dare You?

After a year of reading nothing but Patriots/Brady fellating from you, you have the audacity to write THAT as your post-Superbowl column? Where’s the mea culpa on Eli? Where’s the “sky is falling” commentary? Where’s the acknowledgment that the Giants literally beat the crap out of the Patriots?

Don’t write about how we got all the lucky bounces (false), how your offense just didn’t show up (only partially true), how the coaching staff didn’t call the game aggressively (untrue–how about going for it on 4th and 12? How about the fact that we shut you down on 3rd and short all game? How about the fact that you couldn’t block us?) Where’s the acknowledgment that we made Brady look not only human, but average? Where are the questions about why the perfect Tom Brady didn’t audible to max protect sets or 3 step drops once he realized they couldn’t contain our rush? Where’s the reminder to sports fans everywhere that October is NOT January (or February for that matter) and that there’s no substitute for playing tough hard nosed football in the playoffs? You used to know that. It’s how the Pats won their first three titles.

My Giants just punched Brady, Belichick and Rodney Harrison right in the face and reminded them that this is a man’s game. Take that fancy, all-throwing, non-physical ballet you called your offense and shove it up Beantown’s collective ass. The Patsies just joined the Karl Malone Lakers as the biggest poser teams to ever sell their souls for a championship and come up short. It’s the sports equivalent of cheating on your wife for the first time by renting a high-priced hooker only to find out that she’s got an 8-inch Johnson when you get her home. How’s it taste? The Giants are wicked awesome! Masshole.

Finally

Feb 3, 2008 2007 Season, Colts Shmolts, Free Agency, Houston Chronicle, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Tempting Fate, Up yours 1972 Dolphins

Over the last two weeks, there have been roughly 15,163,167 maudlin stories written about how “after the Super Bowl, we enter the long, dark winter of the offseason.” Said stories almost always talk about how great football season is (which is true), how any weekend with football is infinitely greater than any weekend without (which is arguably, usually true), and how the Super Bowl is the culmination of that greatness (which is a complete fucking lie unless your favorite team happens to be in it).

Don’t get me wrong–I love the Super Bowl. But not for those reasons. I love the Super Bowl because it is a social event where people who would never even watch an NFL game come together with those of us who watch way too much to drink, shoot the shit, laugh at commercials, and eat copious amounts of food. (In fact, the reason I am awake right now, at 4:30 AM on a Sunday was because I had to get the smoker started so the pork will be ready for kickoff.) More than THAT, however, I love the Super Bowl because it is the end of the bullshit.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find shit to write about your team in the two weeks of Super Bowlgasm? Pretty fucking hard. Like “teaching in Port Arthur without a bulletproof vest” hard. Hell, even Chron.com is overrun with stories about the Pats and Giants and the gap in Mike Strahan’s teeth. For these two weeks–or more, depending on your team–there has been little to no coverage of anything that wasn’t Super Bowl related. This makes sense, I guess, but it still blows.

But, come the end of tonight’s game, all that is over. We can finally get down to brass tacks when it comes to free agents and the draft. After the Super Bowl, we start getting 40-times and workout monsters. We get overpriced free agents and incentive-laden one year deals. In short, we get everything that matters to anyone who didn’t watch his favorite team today. The end of the season is nothing to bemoan, people. It’s something to look forward to with great anticipation. Because the end of the Super Bowl means the real beginning of he 2008 season.

Last Fortnight: 1-1

Regular Season Record: 156-91

Playoff Record: 8-2

Super Bowl Pick

New York Giants v. New England. Brady’s foot. Plaxico’s mouth. Moss‘ pimphand. Belichick’s hoodie. Coughlin’s ineptitude. Tiki’s vagina. Does that about cover every tired story or did I miss one? Like everyone else, had there not been the two-week layoff between the title games and today, I might have tried to convince myself into taking the Giants. That defense–especially the front four–has been playing out of their collective tits for weeks now. Plus, Eli seems to have made the “leap” from punchline to potential star.

Thankfully, the fourteen-day rest gave me time to come to my fucking senses. First, Eli is still a Manning, right? The only reason Peyton was even IN the Super Bowl last year is because Reche Caldwell sucks at historical levels. Manning did his damnedest to give that game back, but he couldn’t overcome Ol’ Bugeyes’ complete inability to catch TD passes. Second, Tom Brady is NOT a Manning. Instead, he’s apparently a golden god who gets to live the life every one of us pretended to be living when we created players in Madden. “Yeah, I’m the QB. I date Super Models. I’ve won a bunch of Super Bowls. Everyone wants to be me. I’m kind of a big deal.”

But the main reason I can’t pick NY? Tom Coughlin. It’s not that he sucks in a vacuum, though he does. It’s that he is woefully less talented than Belichick. This matchup, with this layoff, is like giving Stephen Hawking and Corky Thatcher two weeks and telling them “OK, now give me a mathematical model of a black hole and explain how it relates to dark matter.” I have few rules in life, but one of them is this–always bet against a retard. Pick: New England

Update: Or not.

Battle of the seven-button suitcoats

Jan 21, 2008 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Fake Conversations with Real People, Huh?, I'm not even sure this one is funny, Inanity, Overrated, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Thannon Tharpe, Vinsanity

Bathroom at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, 10:45pm

Shannon Sharpe: Man…I really gotta take a thit. Thtupid airplane food.

(2 minutes later)

Sharpe: (singing to himself) Thwing loooowwww, thweet chariot, comin’ for to thumthin thumthin hoooome…

(Merril Hoge enters the next stall)

Hoge: Damn, son…that’s some FINE singin’. I love me an old-fashioned black spiritual. Makes me feel like I am back home in Idaho. Not that we had blacks…hey, who’s in there, anyway?

Sharpe: Thumone tryin’ to thit, dammit. Thut up and give a brotha thum peathe.

Hoge: Hooooo, boy! Listen to that lisp! You sound frutier than bag of Starburst, son! Wait…is that you, Vince?!? I always knew you’d sound gay!!! I’d ask you to toss me some toilet paper, but you couldn’t get it over here even if you wanted to. Isn’t that right, Mr. Overrated?

Sharpe: Motherfucker, ith me–Thannon Tharpe! Who the hell are you?

Hoge: It’s Merril. You know, ESPN Analyst Merril Hoge. Good lord, I never realized how gay you sound. If you’d have been tapping your foot there in the stall while you were singing, I’da thought you were hitting on me.

Sharpe: Whatever, man. Jethuth taught me to turn the other cheek and not hate juth becauth thumone ith diffent. (pauses, grunts, continues) Hey, thpeaking of hate, why the hell are you alwayth ripping on Vinthe? You jus make yourthelf thound ignurrant, cuz it thows you don unnerthand what he really bringth to hith team.

Hoge: What he brings to his team? You mean like twice as many INTs as TDs? (farts, laughs)

Sharpe: Thee! Thath what I am talk about! You mith the point–that he bringth intangimableth that thtupid thtatithticth can’t meathure!

Hoge: Please! That’s what everyone says, what’s that even mean? If the only thing he does well is stuff that can’t be measured, then how much stock can you put in the “intangibles?”

Sharpe: But he winth gameth!

Hoge: No, the Titans’ DEFENSE wins games. Their offensive line that turns shitheads like LenDale White into viable options wins games. Vince is just along for the ride and, if he manages not to screw shit up, gets all the credit for the win! How does that make any sense? But no matter how much I scream about it, people listen to you lisp about how great he is!

Sharpe: You are thuch an ignurrant hick. Taking all thothe hitth to the head mutht’ve methed you up. You thimply don’t know what you are talking about, becauth he ith that great. I mean, tho what if he can’t throw thirty yardth with accurathy? He ith deadly effithient on thothe eight yard dump offth. He creath playth with hith legth. He fortheth defentheth to adjutht. He hath a chanthe to be one of the betht dual-threat quarterbackth in hithtory. I’ve gotta be honetht, Merril–it really thoundth like thour grapeth, man. All you’ve done thince he wath drafted wath talk about how awful he ith.

Hoge: Maybe I am just sick of people making him into Jesus in Cleats! Maybe I fail to see what he does that is worth a first round pick, let alone a high first round pick. Or…maybe…

Sharpe: What ith it?

Hoge: Maybe I miss the old days, Shannon. The days when I could still play and quarterbacks were not supposed to run. That’s what the running backs were for. I miss the days when Neil O’Donnell was a god among men.

Sharpe: Neil O’Donnell wath never a god, Merril! Thath juth thtupid.

Hoge: You didn’t know Neil like I knew him, Shannon! No one did! See…NOW who is being the negative prick?!

(voice from the third stall)

Emmit Smith: Guys, guys, guys…let me be the void of return. All this negativosity is impending you from researching a mortgageable contraceptive.

Shannon: Oh, Jethuth Chritht.

Maybe he could catch it from Romo?

Dec 9, 2007 2007 Draft, 2007 Season, 2008 Draft, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Sucks to be John Fox, Super Bowl 2008

I completely forgot about my picks this week because, for some odd reason, I was actually busy at work. (I usually use the picks to eat up Thursday morning.) Thankfully–I think–three people either emailed or otherwise contacted me to remind me about them. Gracias.

Last week: 8-7

Season: 111-76

Week 14 Picks

Miami @ Buffalo. Take heart, Dolphins fans, it could be worse. I’m not sure how, exactly, but it could be. Like Jason Taylor could contract AIDS and then, on his way to the clinic, be run down by a bus full of white supremacists, who then proceed to violate his corpse. That would be worse, right? Pick: Buffalo

Dallas @ Detroit. God’s old favorite team against his new favorite. No one seems to be asking the important question, though–why would God switch allegiances like that? I don’t know, but I assume it has something to do with Tony Romo being gay. Pick: Dallas

Carolina @ Jacksonville. We are about one piss-poor performance away from John Fox walking into the weight room with 45 pounds of C-4 strapped to himself. Pick: Jacksonville

Oakland @ Green Bay. So, at this point, I have to wonder: what kind of injury would it take to keep Brett Favre from starting? Because I get the feeling that he saw Kevin Everett was going to miss the rest of the year and thought “pussy.” Basically, I think anything short of “double-amputee in a coma” and he is at worst questionable. Pick: Green Bay

St. Louis @ Cincinnati. The best thing to come out of this season of picks is that I no longer try to spell Cincinnati as “Cincinatti.” I’m an idiot. Pick: Cincinnati

San Diego @ Tennessee. There’s a decent chance that these two teams will meet again in San Diego in the first round of the playoffs. That’s not important, though. What is important is that LaDainian Tomlinson makes Albert Haynesworth his punk bitch. And if Shawn Merriman or Shaun Phillips can injure Vince Young, that’s an added bonus. Pick: San Diego

Tampa Bay @ JUGGERNAUT. Part of me feels like I should pick against Houston just to try and break the string of bad luck. Another part feels like any sane person (which I decidedly am not) would be hoping for losses right now, just to improve draft positioning. A third part feels like I need to poop. I’m going to listen to the third one and ignore the other two. Pick: Houston

New York Giants @ Philadelphia. All week, people have been talking about the last meeting, in which New York registered roughly 173 sacks. Boooooring. What I want to talk about is that the people of Philadelphia are apparently racist. There is no other way I can think of to explain the love affair with AJ Feely. Pick: New York Giants

Arizona @ Seahawks. God, I hate these NFC West matchups. It’s like watching the Special Olympics. Which reminds me…you know what’s better than winning a gold in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded. (I’m going to hell.) Pick: Seattle

Minnesota @ San Francisco. I don’t know about you, but I welcome our new Purple overlords. Pick: Minnesota

Cleveland @ New York Jets. Hey, Derek Anderson. It’s all well and good that you’ve become a great QB. Really, the people in Cleveland are thrilled. Imagine how much happier everyone would be this season if they hadn’t mortgaged the 2008 first round pick in order to get Brady Quinn. Thanks for doing this a year too late. Dick. Pick: Cleveland

Kansas City @ Denver. Ah, an old fashioned battle for mediocrity. This is what football is all about. If you are a Chiefs fan, I mean. Pick: Denver

Pittsburgh @ New England. So, just so I am clear, if New England goes undefeated, they will have played Dallas, Indy, and Pittsburgh in the regular season and likely faced at least one of those AFC teams again in the playoffs? If they go 19-0, I am fully willing to call them the best team ever. Pick: New England

Indianapolis @ Baltimore. I didn’t think it was possible, but Bart Scott made Ray Lewis look completely sane. Be afraid, Baltimorons. Be very afraid. (Note: I have no idea what people from Baltimore are actually called.) Pick: Indianapolis

New Orleans @ Atlanta. “Hey, Steve. Can you come in here for a second? You know when we let you schedule the Monday Night games before the season started? Well, remember how a whole bunch of us told you that the New Orleans/Atlanta game was going to blow ass? You’re fired, you mouth-breathing fuck.” Pick: New Orleans

Las Vegas hates the Texans worse than David Carr does

May 14, 2007 Offensive (punch)Line, Super Bowl 2008, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Schaub Experiment

The above odds come via some random Las Vegas online sportsbook. (Note: Odds are provided for entertainment value only. DGDB&D does not condone illegal gambling.)

What does this tell us? Well, apparently, the Texans are in the same class as the Raiders, Lions, Browns, and Bills. This class can properly be described as “short-bus riding retards.”* Meanwhile, Washington, Tampa, and Arizona–all of whom had fewer wins than the Texans in 2006–are all in at less than 40-1 (i.e. more than twice as likely to take home the Lombardi trophy this year). Insulting? You bet.

Now, of course I don’t think the Texans are going to win the Super Bowl in 2008. Hell, I don’t even expect them to make the playoffs (which, as I understand the rules, is sort of a prerequisite to winning the Super Bowl). That said, I do think a case can be made** that they are much closer in talent to the 35-1 group than the 90-1 group. I assume that, like this guy, Vegas just assumes that the Texans don’t “get it” (whatever that means) and that the offensive line will allow Matt Schaub to be sacked twice per play and that Super Mario is a bust and [insert random commonly held belief about the Texans].

Whatever.

The truth is, only a handful of those wagers would be worth taking, regardless of the odds. Realistically, whether Tampa is 38-1 or 3800-1, they still aren’t going to win the Super Bowl. Still, lumping Houston in with the Raiders and Lions is ridiculous. In fact, I’m willing to go out on a limb right now and say that Houston finishes 7-9 at worst. So there. Suck it, Vegas.

*Not that I am biased against retards. Some of my best friends are retards.
**This is a different post. Which I will get around to writing at some point. Probably.