A brief glimpse into the near future
Apr 17, 2008 2008 Draft, Bad Idea Jeans, Bloggerating, Huh?, Tempting Fate
In what is almost certainly an oversight destined to get someone fired, NBCSports.com has asked me and BFD to represent the Texans in their mock draft. I don’t want to give away too much, but I will just say that there are some names that might slip to us that would make you very, very happy.
The draft should be posted, like, soon, or something. By the 21st, I believe.
Here is where I will throw in my requisite “Just Say No” to Jonathan Stewart and Mike Jenkins.
Meka Leka Hi Meka Hiney Ho
Apr 9, 2008 Bad Juju, Blasphemy, Dancing With the 'Tards, Faggination, Houston Chronicle, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Putting people on notice, Revenge of Durga!, Tempting Fate
I do not mean to alarm anyone, but it seems that DGDB&D is the most powerful blog in the universe. Sure, there are blogs that get way more hits. There are blogs that entertain without making dick jokes. There are even blogs that people are willing to pay to advertise on.
But there are NO other blogs that have accidentally reincarnated a Hindu goddess.
SAINI SUNPURA, India — A baby with two faces was born in a northern Indian village, where she is doing well and is being worshipped as the reincarnation of a Hindu goddess, her father said today. [***]
Rural India is deeply superstitious and the little girl is being hailed as a return of the Hindu goddess of valor, Durga, a fiery deity traditionally depicted with three eyes and many arms.
Up to 100 people have been visiting Lali at her home every day to touch her feet out of respect, offer money and receive blessings, Singh told The Associated Press.
“Lali is God’s gift to us,” said Jaipal Singh, a member of the local village council. “She has brought fame to our village.”
Village chief Daulat Ram said he planned to build a temple to Durga in the village.
This blog’s reliance of Durga to do the dirty work that certain Christian deities were unable or unwilling to do is well documented. Thus, I take full credit for the return of this goddess to Earth. The negative among you might think that this is a rather ominous sign for me. To that, I say p’shaw! This is a sign that Durga realized she needed to be on Earth to properly dispose of Petey Faggins. Her attempt from the ethereal realm of, um, wherever Hindu gods reside had the unintended consequence of injuring Dunta Robinson. She won’t make that mistake again, Petey. No sir, she’s here and she’s taking careful aim, sucka. You dead, dawg.
In related news, as reader Brent pointed out, it’s rather ironic that the Chronicle’s coverage of a Hindu goddess is much better than their coverage of a certain local football team.
Indecent Proposal
Mar 28, 2008 Fake Conversations with Real People, Gary Kubiak, Inanity, Kevin Bentley, President Lyndon Veins Johnson, Tempting Fate, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?
Houston Texans lockerroom, 9:35 pm
Will Demps: (singing to himself) It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box, girl / Christmas…dick in a box / Hannukah…dick in a box / Kwanzaa…dick in a box / Every single holiday, a dick in a box / Over at your parents house, a dick in a box / Mid-day at the grocery store, a dick in a box…
Kevin Bentley: Hello, William.
Demps: Whoa! Will Demps didn’t see you there! Why are you sitting in here with no music on? (turns Justin Timberlake CD on) I’m bringin’ sexy back…
Bentley: I was conjugating irregular Latin verbs from memory, William.
Demps: Conju-what?
Bentley: You know, “sum, erum, ero…” You have no idea what I am talking about do you?
Demps: Will Demps caught his reflection in the mirror and totally stopped listening to you.
Bentley: Anyway, William, much like our last encounter, it is fortuitous that I have again encountered you.
Demps: Speak English, motherfucker. Will Demps doesn’t speak uppity college jibber-jabber.
Bentley: (sighing) Cretin. Like I was saying, it’s good that you are here. Let me preface this by asking a question–you consider yourself quite the ladies’ man, don’t you?
Demps: Does a bear shit in the woods? Will Demps has been in more bush than Crocodile Dundee. Will Demps has plowed more fur fields than John Deere. Will Demps has bon–
Bentley: Christ, I get it! OK, that said, I think you realize that there can be only one, William.
Demps: What kind of Highlander shit are you talking about?
Bentley: This lockerroom–nay, this TOWN–is not big enough for both of us. There are only so many fine young females to go around, you know. So I have come up with a solution…if you have the courage for it.
Demps: Motherfucker, Will Demps has all the courage in the world. Will Demps once let a hungry fat girl go down on him; you have any idea what kind of courage THAT takes?!?
Bentley: Glad to hear it. Here’s the deal–a Contest of Sexual Conquest. Except, rather than sheer numbers, there is only one lady who matters. Bed this prize and you win; I’ll ask to be released so that I can go finish the Great American Novel. But, if I win, you must leave Houston and never return.
Demps: Shiiiiiiiit, holmes. Will Demps has never met some red snapper he couldn’t filet with a quickness.
Bentley: Is that a yes? I rarely have any clue as to what you are saying.
Demps: Fuck yes, it’s a yes. Wait…who’s the Golden Vag?
Bentley: Rhonda.
Demps: Rhonda? Rhonda who, Will Demps don’t kno–WAIT! You mean Rhonda KUBIAK?!?!
Bentley: Indeed, young William. Indeed. You see, I have found that the only prizes worth chasing are the ones that require the most risk. Much like how, once a man has killed another man, mere hunting of dumb animals never satisfies his blood lust again.
Demps: (looking confused)
Bentley: (exasperated) Yes. Rhonda Kubiak. Bed her and you win.
Demps: Will Demps is not so sure this is a great idea…but Will Demps loves him a challenge. Let’s do this. May the best man win.
Bentley: Oh, I shall, William. I shall.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Finally
Feb 3, 2008 2007 Season, Colts Shmolts, Free Agency, Houston Chronicle, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Tempting Fate, Up yours 1972 Dolphins
Over the last two weeks, there have been roughly 15,163,167 maudlin stories written about how “after the Super Bowl, we enter the long, dark winter of the offseason.” Said stories almost always talk about how great football season is (which is true), how any weekend with football is infinitely greater than any weekend without (which is arguably, usually true), and how the Super Bowl is the culmination of that greatness (which is a complete fucking lie unless your favorite team happens to be in it).
Don’t get me wrong–I love the Super Bowl. But not for those reasons. I love the Super Bowl because it is a social event where people who would never even watch an NFL game come together with those of us who watch way too much to drink, shoot the shit, laugh at commercials, and eat copious amounts of food. (In fact, the reason I am awake right now, at 4:30 AM on a Sunday was because I had to get the smoker started so the pork will be ready for kickoff.) More than THAT, however, I love the Super Bowl because it is the end of the bullshit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to find shit to write about your team in the two weeks of Super Bowlgasm? Pretty fucking hard. Like “teaching in Port Arthur without a bulletproof vest” hard. Hell, even Chron.com is overrun with stories about the Pats and Giants and the gap in Mike Strahan’s teeth. For these two weeks–or more, depending on your team–there has been little to no coverage of anything that wasn’t Super Bowl related. This makes sense, I guess, but it still blows.
But, come the end of tonight’s game, all that is over. We can finally get down to brass tacks when it comes to free agents and the draft. After the Super Bowl, we start getting 40-times and workout monsters. We get overpriced free agents and incentive-laden one year deals. In short, we get everything that matters to anyone who didn’t watch his favorite team today. The end of the season is nothing to bemoan, people. It’s something to look forward to with great anticipation. Because the end of the Super Bowl means the real beginning of he 2008 season.
Last Fortnight: 1-1
Regular Season Record: 156-91
Playoff Record: 8-2
Super Bowl Pick
New York Giants v. New England. Brady’s foot. Plaxico’s mouth. Moss‘ pimphand. Belichick’s hoodie. Coughlin’s ineptitude. Tiki’s vagina. Does that about cover every tired story or did I miss one? Like everyone else, had there not been the two-week layoff between the title games and today, I might have tried to convince myself into taking the Giants. That defense–especially the front four–has been playing out of their collective tits for weeks now. Plus, Eli seems to have made the “leap” from punchline to potential star.
Thankfully, the fourteen-day rest gave me time to come to my fucking senses. First, Eli is still a Manning, right? The only reason Peyton was even IN the Super Bowl last year is because Reche Caldwell sucks at historical levels. Manning did his damnedest to give that game back, but he couldn’t overcome Ol’ Bugeyes’ complete inability to catch TD passes. Second, Tom Brady is NOT a Manning. Instead, he’s apparently a golden god who gets to live the life every one of us pretended to be living when we created players in Madden. “Yeah, I’m the QB. I date Super Models. I’ve won a bunch of Super Bowls. Everyone wants to be me. I’m kind of a big deal.”
But the main reason I can’t pick NY? Tom Coughlin. It’s not that he sucks in a vacuum, though he does. It’s that he is woefully less talented than Belichick. This matchup, with this layoff, is like giving Stephen Hawking and Corky Thatcher two weeks and telling them “OK, now give me a mathematical model of a black hole and explain how it relates to dark matter.” I have few rules in life, but one of them is this–always bet against a retard. Pick: New England
Update: Or not.
History is the distillation of rumour.
Dec 28, 2007 2007 Season, 2008 Season, Andre Johnson, Bloggerating, Casserly blows goats... I have proof, Douchebag Tom, Gary Kubiak, Rosie Rosenfels, Roster, Self-Referential Stuff, Shameless begging, T-shirts, Tempting Fate, The Future, The Schaub Experiment
I’m guessing we all sort of assumed as much but, in case you had any doubts, Kubes said yesterday that Sage Rosenfels will start Sunday’s finale.
I’m going to start Sage. Sage will be our starter going into the game. It will be a game-time decision on Matt on whether he’ll be our backup or the third. Over the course of the next couple of days, we’ll see.
Possible Translation: Sage’s trade value took a hit last week, so I am going to run him back out there, hope they play their second-team defense, and give him a chance to bring that stock back up. Also, I’d be a fool if I let Matt Schaub back out there before his shoulder was 100%. Since I already managed to get Andre Johnson hurt this year, I think I’ll pass on taking another stupid risk. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go remind everyone that Mario was the correct pick.
In all seriousness, though (or at least as much seriousness I can muster), this is the right move. As much as we would like to win this game, it would almost be a pyhrric victory if Matt did further damage to the separated shoulder (or suffered another concussion). Besides, right now, at this exact moment in time, I can’t honestly look any of you in the virtual eye and say that starting Matt gives us any sort of increased likelihood of winning.
Which is NOT to say that I don’t still think Schaub is the guy, both in terms of short-term competition with Sage and long-term health of the franchise.
Unless I am missing something, we have four answers to the question of “What about Sage?” 1. We can hold on to him, content in knowing that we have “The Best Backup in Football” should Schuab get injured. 2. We can take advantage of his reputation as “The Best Backup in Football” and use it to net ourselves players or draft picks to fill more pressing needs. 3. We can make him the starter based on what he’s done this year as compared to Schaub. 4. We can hold on to him and let him and Schaub battle it out next summer because we believe both of them are capable of being an NFL starting QB.
Numbers 1 and 2 both have their merits, but we’ll deal with them in a moment. To my way of thinking, #3 is asinine unless you really, REALLY believe that we messed up by trading for Schaub, which is a pretty hard position to defend and is generally shared only by the same sort of people that believe Tony Hollings was a smart pick. Number 4, though…that’s what this discussion is really about, isn’t it? Because there are intelligent people who honestly believe that Sage is capable of being the starter and that whichever one of the two QBs who wins the battle can be the future of this organization. To those people, I have to say that I respectfully disagree. (To the people in the #3 camp, I disagree, but there is no respect involved.)
I’ve said it before, but there absolutely had to be a reason that Matt Schaub was the most sought backup QB in the league before last offseason. True, he did not have much of a body of work to support that lofty position, but NFL heads had to have seen something they liked in him to drive his pricetag up as high as it went. And in his first two games of this season, when the team was reasonably healthy and there was a semblance of a running game, many fans (myself included) were thrilled about how great the Matt Schaub era was going to be. So, yeah, there have been flashes of starting-caliber ability from Matt. Additionally, red zone INTs notwithstanding, there is no substantial body of evidence that suggests Matt isn’t capable of being a starting QB.
On the other hand, for all Sage has done this year, can we really overlook the fact that in four years of mini-camps and training camps (not to mention the 13 games had played in) he couldn’t beat out such Dolphin luminaries as Jay Fielder, Ray Lucas, Brian Griese, AJ Feeley, and Gus Frerotte? Don’t you think that, if Rosenfels had shown even a glimmer of the ability to be a starter, that he would not have been the one constant on the roster as the Dolphins brought in all those other guys in an effort to find a real QB?
Is this dispositive? Of course not. There is nothing that says future performance has to be directly correlated with past performance. Besides, in theory, it is perfectly believable that a guy languished in an organization so bereft of common sense that he never really had a chance to prove his ability. But, while that sounds nice in theory, can someone point me to one guy–just one–who did next to nothing for four years on a winning team (the Dolphins were over .500 three of Sage’s four years) only to be reborn as a bona fide starter somewhere else? I honestly can’t think of one. The closest I can come up with off the top of my head is Rich Gannon in his four years with Kansas City, but that’s a crappy comparison because (a) Rich had already been in the league seven years when he got to KC, (b) he played much more during his time in KC than Sage did in Miami, and (c) anyone with any sense was screaming for Rich to remain the starter over Elvis Grbac. Still, I suppose Gannon is an example of a very late bloomer, so at least that part holds.
On the contrary, you can think of a number of guys who were thought to be better than they’d shown with their previous teams, only to also suck upon arrival at their new NFL addresses, even if they initially showed promise with the second team. David Carr had some Carolina fans calling for Jake’s head based on some training camp games. How’d that work out? People actually believed that Joey Harrington could be the guy in Atlanta based on…umm…I actually don’t know. Brian Griese has gotten multiple shots like this, always based on a couple good games he had in the preseason or in the previous season. So, do you really have enough faith that Sage is the exception to this pattern that you would let the future of the Texans ride on that belief?
Look, I’m not trying to suggest that Sage hasn’t had a good year, or that his year wasn’t objectively better than Schaub’s. Clearly, it was. I would suggest, however, that we are comparing apples and oranges when we put them side-by-side: one is a guy who came in with a ton of promise, lived up to it for his first two games, then saw his #1 weapon–one of the best three or four WRs in football–go down and his running game go kaput; the other guy is one that has a five year history of not being the best QB on a roster full of crappy QBs, led a nice near-comeback that caused people to ignore his turnovers in that game, then was at the helm when Andre Johnson was back at full strength and the defense began playing much better. Which, I guess, is my long-winded way of saying that Sage’s success this year can just as easily be chalked up to right place, right time as to anything inherent in him. There’s nothing wrong with that–a lot of guys get their initial breaks that way (Kurt Warner, Tom Brady, etc.). But how many of those guys previously lost playing time to Ray effin’ Lucas?
Trying again to make a long story short–if you had to bet your life on one of these two QBs being successful in Houston five years from now, would you take the guy who came into town with enough promise to warrant two second-round picks or the guy who came into town after four years of being the backup to guys who should never have been anything more than backups?
“But,” some of you are probably saying, “why not just keep both of them so we have a solid backup?” Thank you for segueing me into Numbers 1 and 2 from the earlier list. In a perfect world, where every Mario Williams is backed up by an Earl Cochran and every free agent WR can produce like Andre Davis, it would be a fantastic luxury to have a backup of Sage’s quality. Hell, it would be ideal. But, as we all know, this Texans roster is far from complete. Our highest paid player, Anthony Weaver, has been invisible or worse for much of the season. We don’t have a real first- and second-down running back. Strongside linebacker, nose tackle, center, right and left guard, free safety, all continue to be question marks as well. To make matters worse–at least when it comes to filling some of those holes–we don’t have a second-round draft pick this year.
Even if you don’t buy the idea that Sage’s past gives us any sort window into his abilities, the mere fact that we have so many spaces to fill should suggest that, if someone is willing to give us any kind of a package that includes the words “third-round draft pick” we owe it to ourselves to make that deal. We would be letting someone else take the chance that Sage 2008 will be more like Sage 2004 than 2007 and we would be addressing actual, pressing needs.
I have to believe that Smithiak realize this need to get something for Sage and that this is what is driving all the talk about Sage being a quality NFL QB. I mean, otherwise, by telling the fans over and over that Rosenfels is a starting-quality QB and will “push” Matt to be better, they would be creating an instant QB controversy as soon as Matt had one down game. I might have bought that the previous regime was that short-sighted, but I tend to think this group understands these things and would not set Matt or Sage up to fail. Besides, given that Kubiak is by all accounts a huge Matt Schaub fan and has been since the kid arrived, any scenario that doesn’t revolve around getting the best team possible on the field around Matt Schaub would be incongruous with what they’ve been telling us.
Wow…I really didn’t mean to write that much when I started this post. Sorry about that. And I realize that a lot of this is rehashing some old points, so I don’t know that much of it is comment-inducing. Such is life.
****************************************************************************
In other, non-related bits:
- You know how I use the Texans’ logo at the top-left of every post? Well, after seeing that the NFL “asked” HPF to remove team logos and whatnot (and factoring in that there have to be at least a few people out there who are unhappy with their respective portrayals herein), I’m beginning to think that I should get rid of that. Now, this place is pretty graphic-free as it is, so I kind of like having a little something up there for visual interest and to make it easier to see where new posts start if I am scrolling down the page. I think it’s pretty well-known that I am awful at photoshops (right, BFD?), so if any of you can come up with some sort of graphic roughly that same size that “embodies” this blog in some way, I’ll, like, give you my undying love. And a free DGDB&D t-shirt, if you want one. To the extent this is a contest, it ends as soon as I pick one.
- Two different people have asked me if I am rooting for the Titans this weekend since I hate Peyton Manning with such a passion. No, I am not. I am rooting for Albert Haynesworth to kill Manning and then get kicked out of the game for violating Peyton’s corpse, but I want Sorgi to lead the Colts to the win. My reasoning? Seeing Vince choke away a playoff birth would make Mario’s breakout season extra sweet. (Also, if we can’t make the playoffs, I don’t want those turds to make it, either. I am selfish like that.)
- Douchebag Tom the douchey banned commenter is still a douchebag. Which is not really news, but still seemed worth mentioning.
And, with that, the waters parted and all of my sane readers ran away
Nov 16, 2007 Batman, Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fake Conversations with Biblical Characters, Injury bug, National Media, Reggie Bush, Reservoir Dogs, Tempting Fate, Too far?
Sports Bar in Heaven, 6 Kislev 5768 (Heaven does not buy into the Gregorian calendar)
God: (to other people at his table) …this was during the Los Angeles marijuana drought of 1986. I still had a connection. Which was insane, ’cause people couldn’t get weed anyfuckinwhere then. Anyway, I had a connection with this hippie chick up in Santa Cruz and all my friends knew it. And they’d give me a call and say, “Hey, God…hey, dude, you gettin’ some, you think you could get me some too?” They knew I smoked, so they’d ask me to buy a little for them when I was buying for myself. But it got to be that everytime I bought some weed, I was buyin for four or five different people. Finally I said, “Fuck this shit.” I’m makin’ this bitch rich. She didn’t have to do jack shit; she never even had to meet these people. I was doin’ all the work…then that got to be a pain in the ass. People called me on the phone all the fuckin’ time. I couldn’t rent a fuckin’ tape without six fucking phone calls interrupting me. “Hey, when’s the next time you’re gettin’ some?” “Motherfucker, I’m tryin to watch The Lost Boys! When I have some, I’ll let you know.” And then these rinky-dink pot heads come by–they’re my friends and everything, but still, y’know? I got all my shit laid out in sixty dollar bags. They don’t want sixty dollars worth. They want ten dollars worth. Breaking it up is a major fuckin pain in the ass. I don’t eve–
St. Peter: (interrupting) Sorry dude, but you need to see this. (conjures up magical heavenly computer monitor out of mid-air) It seems a blogger has been writing prayers to you in the hopes that you would heal and/or hurt certain professional football players.
God: Son of a bitch. I swear to Me, this is all because that assbag Jon Kitna has convinced people that I care about football. Why am I supposed to give two shits about the outcome of NFL games? The only thing the NFL is good for is helping me figure out which people have no shot at Heaven. Oh, speaking of, what’s the latest on Mike Vick?
St. Peter: Sentencing in December; still on the “get anally fisted in Hell” list. But, that’s not why I showed you this, though. It appears that this blogger, a “Matt Campbell,” decided that you were ignoring his prayers, so he began offering the same to some Hindu god.
God: WHAT?! Jesus Christ!
Jesus: (jumping up) Yeah, dad?!
God: It’s just an expression; sit down. (turns back to Peter) A Hindu god, huh? How did that work out for him?
St. Peter: Well, that’s just it. He prayed that a “Petey Faggins” would be removed from the starting lineup and, sure enough, it happened! I guess I don’t have to tell you that this has caused a few whispers among the living.
God: Fuck no, you don’t need to tell me! I’m omnipotent, asshole!
Job: Then how did you not already know about this?
God: Better question, smart guy–why are you going to walk with a limp for eternity? (smites Job’s knee) Talk to me, Peter. What do I need to do?
St. Peter: That’s the good news. The Texans are playing the Saints this weekend and, were you to see fit to injure a certain running back, I think you’d re-convert some of the doubters. You just have to tweak his knee a little bit, maybe give him a tor–
God: I’m on it. (smites Ahman Green, rendering him inactive for Sunday’s game)
St. Peter: NO!!!! Dude, I meant Reggie Bush!!!
God: Reggie Bush?!? Are you out of your fucking mind, Peter? I LOVE that kid! Don’t you watch ESPN? I’d sooner smite the Savior of mankind over there before I’d hurt Reggie! That’s my DAWG, yo!
St. Peter: But, if he’s your favorite, why is he only averaging 3.7 yard per carry for his career? What gives?
God: Dude, even my powers have limits.
