Top 5 Favorite Players
Jul 25, 2008 Fuck the Cowboys, I really dig my readers, This is a rather lame and pointless post, Top 5
Remember WAY back (in June) when I was doing Top 5 Lists related to the team? Well, there are a couple more in the works, but this particular list is all about reader interaction. And it’s a two-parter. Or a “double-ender,” if that makes some of you feel more comfortable?
Part One: Your Top 5 Favorite Active Texans
Part Two: Your Top 5 Favorite Active Non-Texans
NOTE: If the Texans are not your favorite team, feel free to substitute your team for “Texans” in the instructions. Unless your favorite team is the Cowboys, in which case I ask you to go fuck yourself.
My Answers:
Part 1.
1. Mario Williams. Absolutely WORSHIP the dude. Last year’s dominance made me feel vindicated in liking the selection from Day 1 and I actually expect him to be in the running for Defensive Player of the Year this year. He’s a god.
2. DeMeco Ryans. Though it doesn’t rise to the level of man-love I have for Mario, DeMeco is a pretty close #2 on my list. He’s my son’s favorite player, too. If he stays healthy and Okam plays 2/3 as well as I think he will, DeMeco will have 170 total tackles this year.
3. Andre Johnson. Maybe I am high, but as of this moment, I would take Johnson over any WR in football. Size, strength, speed…dude is the total package and is not a headcase like Moss, Johnson, Owens, and (apparently) Boldin.
4. Fred Bennett. The Fred went from “this kid might be all right” to “Jesus, we got a steal” in the span of about 8 games last year. With the force-out rule gone, I look for Fred to be even more of a beast this year. He’s gonna OWN your punk ass, Roydell!
5. Morlon Greenwood. It’s been documented.
Part 2.
1. Justin Tuck. Even before his domination of the Patriots (shoulda been MVP of the game), I was digging the Tuck. He’s a force and, yet, even in NYC he’s underrated.
2. Braylon Edwards. Like I need to explain this one.
3. Larry Foote. See #2.
4. Carson Palmer. He’s cool anyway, but when you come out and say how much you dislike Ohio State, you get bumped WAY up.
5. Charles Woodson. Ok, I’m a homer. Leave me alone.
Saturday Night Sunday Morning Tunes
Here we go again. I’ve spent the entire week listening to UGK’s “Ridin’ Dirty,” so I don’t have much to add to this discussion. Instead, in honor of BFD’s sister, I present Top 5 Songs About A Sibling.
5. Holy Water, Big & Rich.
4. Brotherly Love, Keith Whitley and Earl Thomas Conley.
3. Sister Christian, Night Ranger.
2. Daniel, Elton John.
1. Beautiful Brother of Mine, Curtis Mayfield.
Also receiving votes: My Brother’s A Basehead, De La Soul; The Bewlay Brothers, David Bowie; You and Your Sister, This Mortal Coil.
EDIT: Also, consider this your usual “What I’m Listening To” post and feel free to comment accordingly. Bonus points if you are listening to De La Soul.
Top 5 Worst Offensive Texans
Jun 24, 2008 Inanity, Ranting, Sandy Vag, Top 5, Tremendous Busts
Picking up where we left off yesterday, with the same 10-start requirement in place.
5. Corey Bradford, WR. I don’t ask for a whole lot from my WRs, but I do expect things like, oh, at least 700 yards receiving or a fuckton of TDs. I got neither from Bradford, despite all the talk that he was going to give us a true WR1. Instead, we got 500 yards and 4.5 TDs per season for 4 years. Asshole.
4. Todd Wade, OT. Helluva price tag for a guy who couldn’t even play RIGHT tackle very well. It seems almost unfair to include offensive linemen in this list since we don’t know how much better they might have looked without Captain Fetal under Center, but who really cares about “fair” when you are bitching about your own team? Perception is everything, baby! And I perceive Wade to have been a severely overpaid turd who couldn’t block you in a game of Connect Four.
3. Jabari Holloway, TE. Ah, Jabari…the third piece of the TE shitheap (that also included Joppru and Miller). You couldn’t catch (they dropped you and kept Billy Miller the following season), you couldn’t block (Mark Breuner looked like a god-send after you were gone), yet you started 17 games in two seasons. Odd.
2. Seth Wand, OT. Wand paired with Wade to form the least formidable set of bookends I think I’ve ever seen. Hell, Wand is the posterchild for the whole “The Texans Need An Offensive Line” mantra that the press has fed us for six seasons. Or, at least, he would be the posterchild if he’d ever been good enough for non-Texans fans to remember who the hell he was. I hate you, Seth Wand. I hate you so very, very much.
1. David Carr, QB. As if there was any doubt who would be number one?
Also receiving votes: Jabar Gaffney, Milford Brown (and Tony Hollings would be on here for sure but for the 10-start thingie.)
***All stats again from Pro Football Reference.
Top 5 Worst Defensive Texans
Jun 23, 2008 Awards, Awfulness, Frank Okam is an evil genius, Top 5, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts
Back to the lists, bitches. You call it filler, I call it…well…filler. But that’s beside the point. This post was originally going to be Top 5 Worst Texans, regardless of position. After a short conversation with Tim, however, I quickly realized that there are, sadly, too many deserving players to narrow the list to five. The defensive guys come first here because we are all about defense in these parts. We’ll cover the offense tomorrow.
Note: The only requirement to be on this list was a minimum of 10 games started in a Texans uni. Thus, Boselli, Joppru, etc., are not eligible.
5. Cory Sears, DE. The fact that Sears started 12 games at LDE for the team in 2003 (also known as 3 B.M. (Before Mario)) should tell you all you need to know about the early Texans’ defensive line. He racked up an “impressive” 1 sack and 26 solo tackles. He also had one sack the previous season (4 B.M.) as a non-starter. And they say we didn’t have a pass rush???
4. Travis Johnson, DT. One career sack. One career INT. 58 solo tackles in three years. Roughly 30 personal fouls for blatant stupidity. About the only thing he’s got going for him is that the coaching staff is convinced that he will still live up to his draft status. Well, until he is officially supplanted by evil genius Frank Okam.
3. Phillip Buchanon, CB. Showtime’s failures have been chronicled here over the last week in these Top 5 lists, so there’s not much to add. Well, other than the fact that he tackled worse than any player we’ve ever had.
2. Matt Stevens, FS. Tim once relayed to me that he tried to name BRB “Shaking Matt Stevens,” but it was vetoed as being too obscure. It wouldn’t have been the least bit obscure to Texans fans, however, who still remember Matt Stevens as the poster child for blown coverage, failed tackles, and general shittiness. He apparently was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident, but, contrary to popular belief, this occurred after he left the Texans organization. (I’m going to Hell.)
1. DeMarcus “Petey” Faggins, CB. Wow…where to start? It’s not like Faggins suckiness in 2007 was a sudden change of course — he’d sucked badly enough in previous seasons that I spent most of last preseason screaming (in written form) that he should not be starting. Then came the Atlanta game. Ugh. I know the whole story of “he’s a pretty decent nickel corner” and, while that might have been true at one point, moving him back to nickel last year didn’t really help his play. Still, I wonder how true the idea that he was a good third corner is. He was playing with some pretty subpar secondaries throughout his days as NCB, so it’s just as likely that the QBs were picking on other players a lot of the time. Either way, Petey sucked at some level then, sucks horrifically now, and wins the honor of the Suckiest Suck to ever Suck. I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.
Also receiving votes: Jerry DeLoach, Lewis Sanders, Marlon McCree.
**All stats courtesy of Pro Football Reference.
Top 5 Most Important Games in Texans History
Jun 22, 2008 19-10, 2006 Draft, The ghost of BFD, Top 5
Another day, another pre-season Top 5 list. This time, something a little more positive–the Top 5 Most Important Games in Texans History.
5. Denver @ Houston, December 13, 2007 (Texans win 31-13). Mario Williams’ coming-out party, clad in Kool Aid-esque all red, came on national television. (Sort of…it was an NFL Network Thursday Night broadcast, so it’s not like everyone could see it.) On Denver’s first possession, Jay Cutler rolled out toward Mario on a naked bootleg and I immediately texted my buddy, Sid, saying “Mario’s not biting on the play action. If they run that play again, Mario will destroy Cutler.” Well, they ran it more and Mario ended the night with 3.5 sacks and, more importantly, with most of the country realizing just how good he is going to be.
4. Indianapolis @ Houston, December 24, 2006 (Texans win 27-24). Our first and, to date, only win over Peyton Manning and the Colts. In retrospect, it wasn’t a huge deal, but at the time it felt like something big. Coming on the heels of being blown out by the Pats, that win over the Colts (and the subsequent win over the Browns) was a great prelude to successes of the 2007 season season, which ended with…
3. Jacksonville @ Houston, December 29, 2007 (Texans win 42-28). Andre Davis, as Spartacus, took it upon himself to blow this game wide open, meaning our 8th win wasn’t in doubt for much of the second half. Sure, sure, the Jags weren’t exactly fielding their A-team and, yes, Richard Smith reverted to his non-blitzing ways so Quinn effin’ Gray was able to put some points on the board, but a win is a win and this one was awesome. I’m sure that some day we’ll look back and think, “Man, were we really THAT excited about a .500 season?” But, for now, the answer is “hell yes, we were!”
2. Houston @ San Francisco, December 31, 2005 (Texans lose 20-17). If we had won this game, we would have drafted third, behind the Saints (who would still have inexplicably taken Reggie Bush) and the 49ers, who almost certainly would have taken Mario Williams (after all, they went defense with their second 1st round pick and it’s unlikely they’d have taken Vernon Davis second overall). It sounds odd to rank a loss so high on this list, but snagging Mario Williams (and DeMeco Ryans at the top of the second round, which was also fallout from this loss) was the move that will define this franchise and make it competitive for the next 7-10 years.
1. Dallas @ Houston, September 8, 2002 (Texans win 19-10). Maybe I am just overly nostalgic about these sorts of things, but this game remains number one on my list for a whole host of reasons: It was an unprecedented debut, it was over the Cowboys (who, it would seem, became cursed by the win, as they have not won a playoff game in the Texans’ lifetime), it was a nationally televised Sunday night game, and it won me $200 because everyone else in my suicide pool picked Dallas that week. It was also the best we would ever see from David Carr, who would immediately begin to suck with a ferocity that has rarely been seen in professional sports.
Top 5 Worst Decisions By Texans Brass
Jun 20, 2008 2002 Draft, 2004 Draft, Anger, Awfulness, Bad Idea Jeans, Sandy Vag, Top 5, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts
As we continue channeling my inner Rob Gordon, we turn to another not-so-pleasant list of memories: the top 5 all-time front office fuck-ups. I promise to move on to something positive at some point, but that ain’t today, bitches.
(H/T to Dave for the topic idea.)
5. Signing Todd Wade. In 2004, we gave this turd a 6-year, $30MM contract with $10MM signing bonus. Over the next two seasons, he received just over $12MM in salary and bonuses. In that same timeframe, he contributed roughly $48 worth of actual quality gameplay.
4. Refusing to employ a 3-4 NT in a 3-4 Defense. You know, I liked Seth Payne. You probably liked Seth Payne. Seth Payne was a seemingly nice dude and he worked his ass off. In a 4-3, defense, that kind of attitude and work ethic might have paid big dividends. In a 3-4, when you are only 303 lbs, that kind of effort is necessary to stay afloat. Sam Adams, Casey Hampton, Jamal Williams–these are 3-4 NTs. Seth Payne was not, yet we never ever got one, despite running that D for 4+ years. I hate you Dom Capers.
3. Trading back to take Travis Johnson over Derrick Johnson. Man…just…I mean…FUCK. Derrick Johnson was the dude I wanted most in that draft, he was sitting RIGHT THERE, and we decide to say, “nah, fuck it, let’s take this other Johnson.” Great. And then that Other Johnson turns out to be a retard dickhead who hasn’t lived up to his potential at all. AWESOME. HAPPY DAYS. I’M MOVING ON BEFORE SOMEONE DIES.
2. The David Carr Experience. I had about three different, Carr-specific decisions for this list, but I figured I’d just lump them together and give him the penultimate place on this list. Let’s see–passing over Julius Peppers–who was an obvious monster–to take a Fresno State pretty boy with a meddling daddy? Letting him “play” for five seasons, despite a mountain of evidence piling up that he was either too shell-shocked or too shitty to play the position? Watching him seem oblivious to his own shittiness and grin like a retard even after losses? Keeping him around for an additional $8MM roster bonus as some sort of reclamation project for Kubiak? Wow, Dave. Thanks for the memories. May you burn in hell.
1. Trading for Phillip Buchanon. On the surface, for a moment or three, this seemed like a decent move by the Texans. I mean, the pricetag was high (a 2d and a 3d), but Buchanon had shown the ability to be a top-flight corner, and now we had him. Of course, any love and admiration for P.Buch evaporated like a wet fart in August once he took the field and displayed a complete inability to tackle anyone. At all. Ever. I still have nightmares of his attempted “tackle” against Pittsburgh.
Also receiving votes: The continued employment of Petey Faggins, the cost of Jason Babin, throwing multiyear money at Ahman Green, and 94% of the other decisions made by Casserly/Capers
Top 5 Texans Draft Busts
Jun 19, 2008 Top 5, Tremendous Busts
So, I was sitting around, thinking about the Texans and trying to come up with something to post. Then it hit me–Lists! People love lists. Lists tell us things and give us order. That’s a potent one-two punch right there. So, the plan is to crank out a bunch of Texans-themed top five lists between now and training camp.
Building off of ol’ Anal-Eze himself, I figured the first list could be the top five biggest Draft Pick flops. By “draft,” I am including both the annual draft and our expansion draft. To be a flop, I figure a player has to have been taken in the first three rounds (and even the third round is stretching it). A fourth-round pick who doesn’t pan out is not a bust, he just sucks.
With no further ado, let’s light this candle.
5. Bennie Joppru. (2003 Draft, Round 2) I’ll admit it, I thought he was going to be awesome. Of course, that is likely because I am a horrible Michigan homer. He was so fun to watch in college, though, hauling in 53 catches his last season in Ann Arbor. Plus, he kicked the shit out of a Michigan wrestler outside a bar.
4. Ryan Young. (2002 Expansion Draft, Second Pick) Oh, sure, another O-lineman gets more credit for being a bust in this draft, but Young was just as bad. A 6-5, 320 lb OT who started all of 8 games as a Texan. Yep, that’s exactly how we wanted our second EVER pick to work out.
3. David Carr. (2002 Draft, Round 1) You thought I’d have him higher, didn’t you? Don’t get me wrong, Carr sucks, and I definitely consider him a bust, but 3 was as high as I could put him. You know a QB has been bad when you feel vindicated after watching him suck for another team as well.
2. Jason Babin. (2004 Draft, Round 1) On the plus side, he did have a fairly good rookie year, despite being asked to play a different position in the NFL than he did in college. On the minus, however, we gave up a WHOLE lot to get this guy and he gave us exactly one productive year plus some sacks as a situational guy for a couple years more.
1. Tony Boselli. (2002 Expansion Draft, First Pick) Fuck.
Also receiving votes: Dave Ragone, Travis Johnson, Jerome Mathis, Charles Hill
