Kickoff - “Travis Johnson is like a dredlocked Buddha. Very wise.” Edition
Sep 17, 2008 2008 Season, H/T Eric, Ike, Kickoff, Super Mario, Travis Johnson explains things, Vince Young can't read this post
Lose, you did not. Reader Evan passes along this ESPN story talking about players dealing with home damage while also trying to prepare for a game. We kid about how it must be nice to play a kid’s game for millions of dollars, but it’s got to be a serious pain in the ass to have added spotlight and pressure on you and your performance while also dealing with a giant hole in your roof. Of course, the most shocking revelation in the whole article is Travisty going all touchy-feely on us. “I lost stuff. I lost a lot. But, you don’t lose anything when you’ve still got your family.”
The only explanation is that Jeff Zgonina reads Houston Diehards. Chris has a poll up on his blog, asking “Travis Johnson is hurting and may miss some time. Who do you think deserves to start in his place?” Now, almost as weird as the fact that Frank Okam is not running away with the voting despite (a) showing how much impact a real NT could have during his first team preseason reps and (b) being the only nose tackle we’ve had in six-plus years of existence, is the fact that Jeff effin’ Zgonina has SIX votes. (Also, while I like Bulman, he’d be better off in a rotation at DE/UT rather than a starting NT.)
“Sam in Houston” should die in a fire. Paul Kuharsky has an All-Vince mailbag on his ESPN blog. Nothing groundbreaking, but I post it because of this line: “Sam in Houston writes: Hi Paul - love the column. I’m one of those Texas Nashville Tennessean fans.” Sam, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope Ike messed your house up severely, you sell-out traitor.
Finally. Dear Kerry, Be afraid. Kissies, Mario.
Travis Johnson explains the finer points of the impact of rising fuel prices
Jul 7, 2008 Frank Okam is an evil genius, God hates ugly, Had to post something, Inanity, Travis Johnson, Travis Johnson explains things
Hello, peoples. Travis Johnson here. As I’m sure you noticed if you drove anywhere over this past weekend, gas be expensive as a motherfucker right now. And everyone be complaining about it, saying how they can’t afford it and shit. ‘Cept, when most people bitch about gas prices, they don’t consider the big picture of how those prices can affect other parts of their lives. Travis, on the other hand, is a master of the big picture. I actually took a class in “big picture thinking” at Florida State.
Or…wait…no…that was “motion pictures,” but same shit, ya know? After all, good ass movies like Mission: Impossible have all sorts of car chases and exploding trains and shit like that, and that kind of shit takes fuel, meaning that rising gas prices are going to make the movies more expensive. Unless you want to do nothing but ninja movies, since ninjas are, um, solar powered. And, ya know, Travis loves him a good ninja flick, but eventually people are going to get tired of ninja movies, and then you have to bring back shit blowing up, and then you run into those fuel costs again. It’s a vicious circle.
But what if you don’t like movies? Travis hears that a lot when I be explainin’ this shit to people, like that is some kind of damned excuse. I mean, you might not like donuts, but you can be sure that the people who do like donuts are going to be lined up waiting to get into Krispy Kreme when that “Hot Fresh Now” sign is flashin’, and you are going to be stuck in that traffic, burnin’ gas while your car idles. It’s the same way with the movies, too, cuz it don’t always matter what you like when you start talking about global economies, dig?
No? Damn it, y’all be dense. Let me spell this shit out real simple like, since y’all can’t seem to follow Travis’ next-level thinkin’.
Where does gas come from? That’s right — it’s the remains of dead dinosaurs that Jesus turned into liquid so he could power his car. Jesus was recyclin’ and goin’ green before it was the hip thing to do, but Jesus was always way ahead of the curve when it came to social trends. He rocked the long hair, had the original Tevas, home-brewed his own wine, knew that chicks would dig scars…that kinda shit, man. Anyway, Jesus thought he made enough that there would be oil forever, but he didn’t consider that some of y’all greedy motherfuckers would drive Hummers and shit. So, now we be runnin’ out of oil, which decreases the supply.
At the same time, the people who control the oil, the Arabs, hate the people who control the media, the Jews, because the Jews have a liberal bias and they be tellin’ folks to buy, like, hybrids and shit and they keep showing shows like Two And A Half Men, which really has nothing to do with oil, but is still hated by the Arabs. And, really, you can’t blame them because that Charlie Sheen was bangin’ the one ho from Wild Things and now he’s not, so he is like, gay, and stuff, and they hate gays. So there is even LESS oil available.
So…yeah, because of all that shit, the price of gas is going up and that is going to affect NFL teams just like it affects y’all. For one thing, it is going to become more expensive to scout new players, because the scouts have to drive or fly because they all think they too special to take a train because it is a scientific fact that trains make you dizzy and maybe make you throw up. Travis knows because he took a train once…it was electric and it went real fast, but it just kept going in circles and up and down these big ol’ hills and it even went upside down at one point, and then I guess the driver forgot some of his shit, because we wound up back in the same place we started and they made us all get off and told us we’d have to stand in line again if we wanted to ride and Travis wasn’t about to stand in no line with a bunch of screamin’ ass kids when he had just been on the train a few minutes before. And, since then, I ain’t never took no trains nomore and I don’t really blame the scouts for refusing to take them. So, instead, they drive or fly and they use more of that $4 per gallon gas.
Oh, and get this, footballs might actually make the price of gas go up more! I mean, we call them pigskins, but they ain’t actually made from pigs. In fact, according to my cousin Del’ron, who watches Discovery channel when he’s high, they made from leather. And leather comes from cows and, since we have to kill the cows to get the leather, the cows be dead and dead cows can’t make more of that fart gas alternative fuel, so people have to use regular gas. So, the more footballs that are made, the more gas that is going to be used. That ain’t good, peoples. That ain’t good at all.
Fortunately, Travis has a plan that can help the Texans minimize the impact of these gas prices. I call it the “Pay Travis” plan. Because, let’s be honest here, God don’t like ugly and Travis’ current deal be ugly as that Betty bitch. Anyway, in the “Pay Travis” plan, the Texans would pay Travis. That’s how I came up with the name.
It’s a simple plan, really. Since it is going to be more ’spensive to scout for new players, the Texans should lock up the players they have right now, starting with Travis Johnson. I mean, sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiit dude, if a barrel of oil is $150 or $200 or whatever the fuck, you tellin’ me that Travis ain’t worth at least, say, eleventy million dollars a year? C’mon, man…you know I’m right. So, that’s the plan, you give Travis eleventy million dollars per year for, say, threeve years, and that allows you to ride out this spike in the gas prices without expending extra dollars for scouting. Even better, since Travis plays defense, I don’t need no new footballs to practice with, so you wouldn’t have to buy so many, so other people would benefit. Travis always doing shit for other people. Travis loves da kids, just like Trick Daddy does.
Now, I know you might be saying that Travis’ play hasn’t been good enough to deserve a raise, even if helps cut down on the gas prices. To that, Travis says “fuck you, bitch.” Travis has played very well — y’all just don’t understand what defensive tackles do, man. You want Travis on that line; you NEED Travis on that line. That Frank Okam? Man, that dude ain’t nuthin’ but a no-account rookie shitbag. And, I heard that he likes to cut down trees and burn them with gasoline. That don’t sound like the kind of socially responsible player Mr. Bob be likin’ on this team. Oh, and Frank also leaves his Hummer running in the parking lot during practice, just so it’ll be nice and cool for him when he gets in. How messed up is that?!
So, yeah, if the Texans are really wanting to help out with rising gas prices, they should do the socially responsible thing and pay Travis. And cut Frank Okam. Oh, and also, recycle.
Kickoff
Jun 10, 2008 2008 Season, Barbaro is dead, Duane Brown as Eliza Doolittle, Inflamed body parts, Kickoff, Rick Smith, Super Mario, Travis Johnson explains things
Duane Brown: Matt and I have talked about linking and talking less to and about the Comicle. However, since Jerome Solomon wrote this one, I’ll make an exception.
“Never Satisfied”: No, this isn’t a story by my wife. It’s about Mario’s new attitude. Eric sent both of these in, and as he said, it’s funny that nobody can do a story about Mario without mentioning Eric Metcalf Jr. and VY. Still, it’s a national piece by an AP reporter, which must mean something positive, right? Right???
Some (slightly meaningful) OTA quotes this morning:
Rick Smith: (on what cutting Gray says about QB Shane Boyd) “You know what, it says that Shane is making progress. It’s saying that Alex Brink is making progress. We’ve got some young quarterbacks that we really like that are doing a decent job and we feel comfortable with those guys going into training camp.” Comment: Yawn. Boyd may make the active roster, but, after we cut Gray, I’m leaning toward that we have two quarterbacks active on game day, not three.
Rick Smith: (on what the team will do with T/G Charles Spencer) “Well, we don’t know. We’ve got a lot of conversations to have between now and training camp. His rehab process has gone slow, and we had hoped that it would have been a little bit better at this point and so from a lot of standpoints, that’s a little disappointing. But we’re going to continue to be patient with Charles and give him every opportunity that we can to make it back.” Comment: Hello, PUP.
Rick Smith: (on DT Travis Johnson) “Travis is going to be fine. He’s rehabbing and he’s responding well to the treatment and so we expect that he’s going to be ready to go.” Comment: Travis went to the Crystal Pistol and personally asked every fifth dancer to inspect his groin for damage.
Coach Kubiak: (on negotiations with LB Rosevelt Colvin) “We are still talking to him. I think we are still a part of his decision process. We will wait to see what happens.” Comment: This is essentially what Rick Smith said, too. That they are being coy is not surprising, and hopefully it’s a good sign.
Got a super busy real-job day today, so play nicely amongst yourselves. Leg hugs for everybody!
Edit: Oops, used Stacy’s link on the Mario story, not Eric’s. They both sent it. Carry on.
Travis Johnson explains St. Patrick’s Day
Mar 17, 2008 Beer, Corky Johnson, History, Holiday posts, Inanity, Travis Johnson explains things, We Scottish care not for your little holiday
Hello, peoples. Travis Johnson here. As the team’s resident expert on St. Patrick’s Day, I wanted to share some of my learnin’ with y’all. I live to edumacate the masses.
First, you are probably wondering why I am the team’s expert, seeing as how I don’t exactly look Irish. That shit is RACIST, dawg. My great-great grandfather, Seamus McJohnson, came over on, like, a boat and shit. What, you didn’t know that there were black Irishmen? And y’all think I am dumb. Sheeeeeiiiiiiit.
Anyway, the point is I know a lot about St. Patrick’s Day and I am going to spit some of that knowledge your way.
Now, St. Patrick was this dude who lived in Ireland, like, WAY back. Like before Christopher Columbo even found Texas. His real name was Maewyn, which is really gay, so he just started going by Patrick. When he was, like, 16, he was kidnapped by some other Irish dudes and sold into slavery. I think he had to pick potatoes and shit. He escaped from the kidnappers and ran away to France, which was called “Gaul” back then because French people is stupid.
While he was in France, Patrick studied Christianity from…um…Jesus and he was all like “Yo, dude, this Bible shit is tight. I’m gonna go back to Ireland and tell my whole posse about it. Thanks French Jesus!”
Patrick drove back to Ireland and started telling all his boys about Christianity. He was straight spittin’ the Word to anyone who would listen. This made a rival gang, the Celtic Druids, mad. They snatched him up a bunch of times, but Patrick kept escapin’ like the motherfuckin’ birdman. Caw, bitches.
Peoples axe me all the time, “Travis, why do we have some of the St. Patrick’s traditions like parades and corned beef and shamrocks and shit?” Simple, my friends…those are all things that Patrick liked. Parades? Patrick used to round up his posse and C-walk through the streets, talking about “Jesus saves, bitch! Northside Jesus, what?!” This pissed the Celtic Druids off like whoa, but Patrick did that shit anyway. Corned beef? Well, a lot of those hoes back in old ass Ireland had the syphillis, but they called it “blarney dick,” and it made your thang look like corned beef. Nowadays, we just eat the corned beef because that shit tastes good as long as you don’t think about dicks. And shamrocks? We all know Patrick liked to fire up a little of that sticky green–who doesn’t?!–and it don’t get stickier or greener than some hydroponic Irish shamrocks. Oooooweeee! That shit is the fire, yo! I ain’t even playin’ with ya…I mean, uh, that’s what I’ve heard. Travis don’t smoke the green no mo’.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, so Patrick did this preachin’ and convertifyin’ in Ireland for, like, 30 years and then he retired. He died on March 17, so that’s why this date was made into a holiday. And that’s the story of St. Patrick’s Day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my “Suck Me, I’m Irish” t-shirt and go suckerpunch some old ladies.
