Kickoff - “Jared Allen, Travis Johnson, and low hits” Edition
Nov 6, 2008 Albert Haynesworth can go to Hell, Anger, Fuck Jared Allen, God hates ugly, H/T Eric, High Motor must be a euphemism for White, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit
Jared Allen responds to Kubiak’s (correct) claim that Allen is a cheap-shot artist. I respond to Jared Allen’s response. Because fuck him, that’s why.
Wednesday, Allen said: “I don’t care. I don’t even know who the hell [Kubiak] is.
Right. When asked “what do you think of Texans’ coach Gary Kubiak’s comments,” this is your response? So, out of the gate, we’ve established that you are either a liar, a retard, or both. Awesomeness.
So I don’t care. I’m worried about what coach [Brad] Childress thinks of me and what my peers in this league think of me.”
“And, to a lesser extent, what the nice officers who give me my field sobriety tests think of me. I also used to care what my mom thought of me, but then she got on to me about drinking and decided to try and run her down with my car. We don’t speak much these days. Wait…what was the question?”
Television replays show Allen hitting Schaub below the knee and from behind, but Allen said it was neither intentional nor late.
I accidentally fling my shoulder in the back of someone’s knee ALL THE TIME. I know exactly what he means; that shit was accidental.
He said he spoke to Schaub after the game and was aware of no hard feelings.
“People can say what they want,” Allen said.
OK, then I say you are a cockeating asstaster with no soul and a cheap and dirty player to boot. I also say that I would pay $50 to watch you get sodomized by a syphilitic boar.
“I’m not a dirty player. My reputation speaks for itself.
I talked to Schaub after the game. I said, ‘Hey man, how is your knee?’
So then you WERE aware that your hit was the cause of his injury, despite his staying in the game for a while thereafter? Sounds to me like you knew such a hit could cause an injury then, Jared. You fucking cunt.
We’re competitors.
“And since I got blocked out of the play, I decided to compete by flinging my body into his most vulnerable joint. I’m a warrior goddamnit!”
He’s got the ball in his hand.
Actually, no he didn’t. He’d already thrown it. Which is why he had stopped rolling out after the little hop and why both feet were firmly on the ground.
I’m trying to take down the quarterback.
“EVEN AFTER THE PLAY IS OVER BECAUSE I AM A ‘HIGH MOTOR’ GUY AND THAT’S HOW I ROLL!”
I wouldn’t do anything intentionally to hurt people. If the coach wants to spout off that I’m a dirty player because they lost the game, well, whatever.”
What if he wants to spout off that you are a dirty player because you are a dirty player? I mean, in addition to the late, cheap hit that injured Schaub, you were pretty blatantly trying to hit him low prior to that play as well. Was that an accident, too?
***
So, all that dumb shit aside, here’s the part about all of this that is really bugging me. Last season, Travis Johnson was castigated by the Dolphins and the media for yelling at Trent Green after Green threw his brain in front of Travis’ knee and knocked himself unconscious. Somehow, because he yelled (in anger, not taunting), Johnson was the bad guy and was a dirty player. But here, Allen dives into a QB’s knee after the play is over, blatantly trying to hurt the guy, after doing the SAME THING earlier in the game, and half the media and fans are rushing to Allen’s side about how he’s just “a hardnosed player” with “a high motor” and he “didn’t do anything wrong.” How does this make any sense? Had he gotten up and done his sack dance afterward—the worst sack celebration in the league, by the way—would he have been the bad guy then?
I loathe the race card on most occasions, but I’m going to pull it here. This shit is racial. If Albert Haynesworth or, better example, Leonard Little did that exact same move, Peter King and the rest of the baby-raping MSM would be talking about how dirty the hit was and how the league should fine him and possibly suspend him. Here? Nothing. Even ESPN’s Paul Kuharsky wrote to Eric that:
It’s not getting more press from [Kuharsky] because I don’t find it outrageous.
By the letter of the law, the hit that I’ve seen in super slow mo is illegal and I expect he’ll be fined. I’ve made my calls to find out if he is. I’d typically learn about it Friday and I expect I’ll chime in on it then.
Still, I think it’s a defender instinctively doing what he had to to get to the QB and not pausing to consider where exactly he’d be hitting him…
Or even stopping to consider WHETHER he should hit him.
You know, if Allen had made any effort whatsoever that would suggest he was actually trying to tackle Schaub—put his hands up, try to wrap up his feet, whatever—I might buy the “he thought the play was still going” argument. But, when you dive into the QB’s knee with your head TWICE in the span of about five minutes, whether the play is ongoing becomes irrelevant. You are simply trying to hurt that guy. And that, by definition, makes you a cheap and dirty player. So fuck you, Jared Allen. Fuck you right in the ear. I literally hope you die.
Top 5 Worst Defensive Texans
Jun 23, 2008 Awards, Awfulness, Frank Okam is an evil genius, Top 5, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts
Back to the lists, bitches. You call it filler, I call it…well…filler. But that’s beside the point. This post was originally going to be Top 5 Worst Texans, regardless of position. After a short conversation with Tim, however, I quickly realized that there are, sadly, too many deserving players to narrow the list to five. The defensive guys come first here because we are all about defense in these parts. We’ll cover the offense tomorrow.
Note: The only requirement to be on this list was a minimum of 10 games started in a Texans uni. Thus, Boselli, Joppru, etc., are not eligible.
5. Cory Sears, DE. The fact that Sears started 12 games at LDE for the team in 2003 (also known as 3 B.M. (Before Mario)) should tell you all you need to know about the early Texans’ defensive line. He racked up an “impressive” 1 sack and 26 solo tackles. He also had one sack the previous season (4 B.M.) as a non-starter. And they say we didn’t have a pass rush???
4. Travis Johnson, DT. One career sack. One career INT. 58 solo tackles in three years. Roughly 30 personal fouls for blatant stupidity. About the only thing he’s got going for him is that the coaching staff is convinced that he will still live up to his draft status. Well, until he is officially supplanted by evil genius Frank Okam.
3. Phillip Buchanon, CB. Showtime’s failures have been chronicled here over the last week in these Top 5 lists, so there’s not much to add. Well, other than the fact that he tackled worse than any player we’ve ever had.
2. Matt Stevens, FS. Tim once relayed to me that he tried to name BRB “Shaking Matt Stevens,” but it was vetoed as being too obscure. It wouldn’t have been the least bit obscure to Texans fans, however, who still remember Matt Stevens as the poster child for blown coverage, failed tackles, and general shittiness. He apparently was paralyzed in a motorcycle accident, but, contrary to popular belief, this occurred after he left the Texans organization. (I’m going to Hell.)
1. DeMarcus “Petey” Faggins, CB. Wow…where to start? It’s not like Faggins suckiness in 2007 was a sudden change of course — he’d sucked badly enough in previous seasons that I spent most of last preseason screaming (in written form) that he should not be starting. Then came the Atlanta game. Ugh. I know the whole story of “he’s a pretty decent nickel corner” and, while that might have been true at one point, moving him back to nickel last year didn’t really help his play. Still, I wonder how true the idea that he was a good third corner is. He was playing with some pretty subpar secondaries throughout his days as NCB, so it’s just as likely that the QBs were picking on other players a lot of the time. Either way, Petey sucked at some level then, sucks horrifically now, and wins the honor of the Suckiest Suck to ever Suck. I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.
Also receiving votes: Jerry DeLoach, Lewis Sanders, Marlon McCree.
**All stats courtesy of Pro Football Reference.
Top 5 Worst Decisions By Texans Brass
Jun 20, 2008 2002 Draft, 2004 Draft, Anger, Awfulness, Bad Idea Jeans, Sandy Vag, Top 5, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts
As we continue channeling my inner Rob Gordon, we turn to another not-so-pleasant list of memories: the top 5 all-time front office fuck-ups. I promise to move on to something positive at some point, but that ain’t today, bitches.
(H/T to Dave for the topic idea.)
5. Signing Todd Wade. In 2004, we gave this turd a 6-year, $30MM contract with $10MM signing bonus. Over the next two seasons, he received just over $12MM in salary and bonuses. In that same timeframe, he contributed roughly $48 worth of actual quality gameplay.
4. Refusing to employ a 3-4 NT in a 3-4 Defense. You know, I liked Seth Payne. You probably liked Seth Payne. Seth Payne was a seemingly nice dude and he worked his ass off. In a 4-3, defense, that kind of attitude and work ethic might have paid big dividends. In a 3-4, when you are only 303 lbs, that kind of effort is necessary to stay afloat. Sam Adams, Casey Hampton, Jamal Williams–these are 3-4 NTs. Seth Payne was not, yet we never ever got one, despite running that D for 4+ years. I hate you Dom Capers.
3. Trading back to take Travis Johnson over Derrick Johnson. Man…just…I mean…FUCK. Derrick Johnson was the dude I wanted most in that draft, he was sitting RIGHT THERE, and we decide to say, “nah, fuck it, let’s take this other Johnson.” Great. And then that Other Johnson turns out to be a retard dickhead who hasn’t lived up to his potential at all. AWESOME. HAPPY DAYS. I’M MOVING ON BEFORE SOMEONE DIES.
2. The David Carr Experience. I had about three different, Carr-specific decisions for this list, but I figured I’d just lump them together and give him the penultimate place on this list. Let’s see–passing over Julius Peppers–who was an obvious monster–to take a Fresno State pretty boy with a meddling daddy? Letting him “play” for five seasons, despite a mountain of evidence piling up that he was either too shell-shocked or too shitty to play the position? Watching him seem oblivious to his own shittiness and grin like a retard even after losses? Keeping him around for an additional $8MM roster bonus as some sort of reclamation project for Kubiak? Wow, Dave. Thanks for the memories. May you burn in hell.
1. Trading for Phillip Buchanon. On the surface, for a moment or three, this seemed like a decent move by the Texans. I mean, the pricetag was high (a 2d and a 3d), but Buchanon had shown the ability to be a top-flight corner, and now we had him. Of course, any love and admiration for P.Buch evaporated like a wet fart in August once he took the field and displayed a complete inability to tackle anyone. At all. Ever. I still have nightmares of his attempted “tackle” against Pittsburgh.
Also receiving votes: The continued employment of Petey Faggins, the cost of Jason Babin, throwing multiyear money at Ahman Green, and 94% of the other decisions made by Casserly/Capers
Do you, Zaire, take this man and his blessed cock…
May 30, 2008 Blasphemy, Corky Johnson, Got that cheeba, Inflamed body parts, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit
Travis Johnson’s wedding photos.
Not pictured: whatever “incident” caused the pelvic inflamation, though I assume it involved a bridesmaid, an empty champagne bottle, and some sticky Bahamian weed.
An Open Letter to Travis Johnson
Dec 24, 2007 2007 Season, Anger, Colts Shmolts, God hates ugly, Self-Referential Stuff, Travis Johnson is a piece of shit, Tremendous Busts
Dear Shitbag,
This is the thanks I get for being your biggest apologist and defender in the whole fucking universe? Fuck you. Fuck you straight to hell.
Consider: Despite you doing next to nothing since being drafted, I immediately jumped on the bandwagon when you seemed to pick up your play in the preseason. When you taunted an unconscious man, not only did I write what I believe to be one of my two or three best posts in response, I went on Big Blue Shoe’s fucking podcast to defend your ignorant ass. When I went to the Titans game at Reliant, I cheered for you as you played perhaps your best game as a Texan. And whenever the talk turned to the 2008 team, rather than join the Trade Travis movement, I consistently penciled you in at Nose Tackle alongside Amobi Okoye, despite the fact that you are better suited to play the Under Tackle position.
No more. As of today, I am done.
Do you realize how fucking ridiculous you looked getting not one, but TWO completely avoidable late hit fouls? On the first one, you were still being blocked Manning went down right in front of you. You had a clear view of the play as Mario rode him to the ground. There was no way you could have thought that the play was still live or that Manning had fumbled. Yet, you pounced on him like were trying to be some kind of hard ass thug. Not long thereafter, you ran directly at a play where two Texans had tackled the ball carrier, took nearly three steps after the whistle had blown, then lowered your large, empty head and rammed it into the other player’s helmet. Fucking brilliant. Hell, in between those plays, you had another helmet-to-helmet hit that wasn’t called. It was almost as if you’d decided that this was the game where you were going to make a name for yourself as the biggest retard in the National Football League.
You, sir, are a classless, piece-of-shit, moron asshole who brings nothing positive to the table. I cannot wait until you are no longer a member of the Houston Texans organization. I wish you nothing but the worst from here on out. You fuck.
Sincerely,
Matt
P.S. I hope you contract gonorrhea from a transvesite hooker.
