DGDB&D: a Texans blog.

When DeMeco speaks, we all listen, Adam. Ignoring for a second that Adam Schein’s voice is so grating that it plays on a loop in the waiting room to hell, you gotta appreciate the love the national media is giving Mario and DeMeco.  “Defensive Player of the Year,” eh?  What a bust!

Muchas Gracias, Jesus. Travis Johnson will join former FSU teammates for a football camp in the Bahamas.  Says one writer of Travis-Johnson-themed humor, “oh, dis is great news, mon!”

Have you seen my baseball?! Because I can’t find anything else, here’s a “Create Your Own Caption” photo for you. We’re all going to Hell.

Hello, peoples.  Travis Johnson here.  As I’m sure you noticed if you drove anywhere over this past weekend, gas be expensive as a motherfucker right now.  And everyone be complaining about it, saying how they can’t afford it and shit.  ‘Cept, when most people bitch about gas prices, they don’t consider the big picture of how those prices can affect other parts of their lives.  Travis, on the other hand, is a master of the big picture.  I actually took a class in “big picture thinking” at Florida State.

Or…wait…no…that was “motion pictures,” but same shit, ya know?  After all, good ass movies like Mission: Impossible have all sorts of car chases and exploding trains and shit like that, and that kind of shit takes fuel, meaning that rising gas prices are going to make the movies more expensive.  Unless you want to do nothing but ninja movies, since ninjas are, um, solar powered.  And, ya know, Travis loves him a good ninja flick, but eventually people are going to get tired of ninja movies, and then you have to bring back shit blowing up, and then you run into those fuel costs again.  It’s a vicious circle.

But what if you don’t like movies?  Travis hears that a lot when I be explainin’ this shit to people, like that is some kind of damned excuse.  I mean, you might not like donuts, but you can be sure that the people who do like donuts are going to be lined up waiting to get into Krispy Kreme when that “Hot Fresh Now” sign is flashin’, and you are going to be stuck in that traffic, burnin’ gas while your car idles.  It’s the same way with the movies, too, cuz it don’t always matter what you like when you start talking about global economies, dig?

No?  Damn it, y’all be dense.  Let me spell this shit out real simple like, since y’all can’t seem to follow Travis’ next-level thinkin’.

Where does gas come from?  That’s right — it’s the remains of dead dinosaurs that Jesus turned into liquid so he could power his car.  Jesus was recyclin’ and goin’ green before it was the hip thing to do, but Jesus was always way ahead of the curve when it came to social trends.  He rocked the long hair, had the original Tevas, home-brewed his own wine, knew that chicks would dig scars…that kinda shit, man.  Anyway,  Jesus thought he made enough that there would be oil forever, but he didn’t consider that some of y’all greedy motherfuckers would drive Hummers and shit.  So, now we be runnin’ out of oil, which decreases the supply.

At the same time, the people who control the oil, the Arabs, hate the people who control the media, the Jews, because the Jews have a liberal bias and they be tellin’ folks to buy, like, hybrids and shit and they keep showing shows like Two And A Half Men, which really has nothing to do with oil, but is still hated by the Arabs.  And, really, you can’t blame them because that Charlie Sheen was bangin’ the one ho from Wild Things and now he’s not, so he is like, gay, and stuff, and they hate gays.  So there is even LESS oil available.

So…yeah, because of all that shit, the price of gas is going up and that is going to affect NFL teams just like it affects y’all.  For one thing, it is going to become more expensive to scout new players, because the scouts have to drive or fly because they all think they too special to take a train because it is a scientific fact that trains make you dizzy and maybe make you throw up.  Travis knows because he took a train once…it was electric and it went real fast, but it just kept going in circles and up and down these big ol’ hills and it even went upside down at one point, and then I guess the driver forgot some of his shit, because we wound up back in the same place we started and they made us all get off and told us we’d have to stand in line again if we wanted to ride and Travis wasn’t about to stand in no line with a bunch of screamin’ ass kids when he had just been on the train a few minutes before.  And, since then, I ain’t never took no trains nomore and I don’t really blame the scouts for refusing to take them.  So, instead, they drive or fly and they use more of that $4 per gallon gas.

Oh, and get this, footballs might actually make the price of gas go up more!  I mean, we call them pigskins, but they ain’t actually made from pigs.  In fact, according to my cousin Del’ron, who watches Discovery channel when he’s high, they made from leather.  And leather comes from cows and, since we have to kill the cows to get the leather, the cows be dead and dead cows can’t make more of that fart gas alternative fuel, so people have to use regular gas.  So, the more footballs that are made, the more gas that is going to be used.  That ain’t good, peoples.  That ain’t good at all.

Fortunately, Travis has a plan that can help the Texans minimize the impact of these gas prices.  I call it the “Pay Travis” plan.  Because, let’s be honest here, God don’t like ugly and Travis’ current deal be ugly as that Betty bitch.  Anyway, in the “Pay Travis” plan, the Texans would pay Travis.  That’s how I came up with the name.

It’s a simple plan, really.  Since it is going to be more ’spensive to scout for new players, the Texans should lock up the players they have right now, starting with Travis Johnson.  I mean, sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiit dude, if a barrel of oil is $150 or $200 or whatever the fuck, you tellin’ me that Travis ain’t worth at least, say, eleventy million dollars a year?  C’mon, man…you know I’m right.  So, that’s the plan, you give Travis eleventy million dollars per year for, say, threeve years, and that allows you to ride out this spike in the gas prices without expending extra dollars for scouting.  Even better, since Travis plays defense, I don’t need no new footballs to practice with, so you wouldn’t have to buy so many, so other people would benefit.  Travis always doing shit for other people.  Travis loves da kids, just like Trick Daddy does.

Now, I know you might be saying that Travis’ play hasn’t been good enough to deserve a raise, even if helps cut down on the gas prices.  To that, Travis says “fuck you, bitch.”  Travis has played very well — y’all just don’t understand what defensive tackles do, man.  You want Travis on that line; you NEED Travis on that line.  That Frank Okam?  Man, that dude ain’t nuthin’ but a no-account rookie shitbag.  And, I heard that he likes to cut down trees and burn them with gasoline.  That don’t sound like the kind of socially responsible player Mr. Bob be likin’ on this team.  Oh, and Frank also leaves his Hummer running in the parking lot during practice, just so it’ll be nice and cool for him when he gets in.  How messed up is that?!

So, yeah, if the Texans are really wanting to help out with rising gas prices, they should do the socially responsible thing and pay Travis.  And cut Frank Okam.  Oh, and also, recycle.

Game Show Host: Aaaaaand, we’re back! It’s time for the lightning round. You all know how this works; You pick a category, I ask a question and, if you get it right, I ask you another one. If you get it wrong, the next person gets a chance to answer. The first person to answer five correct wins. Travis, as the only person without a negative dollar amount following round one, you get to go first.  Please choose from General Knowledge, Human Anatomy, and Authors.

Travis Johnson: General Knowledge.

Host: OK…name the first President of the United States.

Johnson: George Washington–

Host: Correct!

Johnson: Carver.

Host: Um…incorrect.  Ms. Raley, your question.

Anna-Megan Raley: What?

Host: It’s your turn to answer the question.

Raley: What question?

Host: Name the first President of the United States.

Raley: Sam Houston.

Host: Ugh.  No.  Vince, please, who was the first president of the United States?!

Vince Young: Oh, that’s that dude on the dollar bills I put down those strippers pants at JR’s.  Oh, what’s his name…um…Washington!  Yeah, George Washington!

Host: Correct!  Next question: In the equation 2x+4=6, what does x stand for?

Young: X?  Hold up! This is a trick question, dawg.  X is a letter, not a number!

Host: Good god.  I mean, seriously…sweet holy Jesus.  Travis?

Johnson: (dancing to music no one else hears) Word.

Host: What does X stand for?

Johnson: Shoot, I dunno…one?

Host: Wow…that’s right!  OK, what is the capital of Texas?

Johnson: Ha, that’s easy, dude! The letter T!

Host: What? Oh. No. Anna-Megan?

Raley: (two octaves higher) Uh huh!

Host: Ow.  What is the capital of Texas?

Raley: AUSTIN!!!!!

Host: Yes, but please calm down.  You still have to answer four more to win, ok?

Raley: OK!

Host: (sighing) Jesus.  In the sentence, “the dog bit the cat,” what part of speech is “dog?”

Raley: I love dogs!  What color is he?!

Host: WHAT PART OF SPEECH IS THE WORD “DOG?”

Raley: The tail?

Host: (stares blankly at Anna-Megan)

(stares)

(stares)

(considers the sweet release of death)

Host: Moving on…Vince, what part of speech is “dog?”

Young: (removes shirt) A noun, dude.

Host: I honestly have no idea how you knew that, but correct!  

(bell rings)

Host: Oh, we are running short on time!  That means it only takes THREE correct answers to win the lightning round.  Vince, if you can answer this, you will win.  How many sides are there on a dodecahedron?

Young: I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout dinosaurs.

Host: (muttering) Goddamnit.  Travis, dodecahedron, sides?

Johnson: It burns when I pee.

Host: (eyes fill with tears)

(stabs self in the chest with pocket knife)

(dies)

Johnson:  Whoa.  That’s some fucked up shit there, dude.  (looks at Raley and Young)  Yo, Vince, you wanna stuff this broad like a pair of Chinese finger cuffs?

Young: (rubbing nipples) Nah, dawg. You know I don’t get down like that.  (realizes what he said)  Um, with, uh, white women.  Yeah, that’s it.  Nothing to do with guys at all…no, no sir, not me. Not that, like, there’s anything wrong with that, but, you know, I ain’t, um, like that…

Johnson:  Whatever.  (to Raley) Yo, bitch, you ever get yo’ shit rocked by a big ol’ dude like me?

Raley:  Puh-lease…how do you think I GOT my job?  Let’s go back to your place and I’ll show you why they called me “Ol’ Three Hole” in college. (pauses) You’re wearing a condom though…Lord knows I don’t need another inflamed elvis.

Dallas Cowboys. You know what I would do if I’d just made a big deal about landing Darren McFadden Lite in the first round of the NFL Draft?  I’d turn around and give ANOTHER RB on my team $45 MM ($16 MM guaranteed).  Yep, and I’d do this even though, for whatever reason, that RB was not even the starter for most of last season.  Then I’d feel really good about this move when that RB’s agent said, [n]ow that he’s going to be the starter and one of the highest-paid players at his position, you’ll see his coming-out party,” suggesting that, had I paid him better earlier, I might not have needed to draft the second RB.

(Yes, I know that the “explanation” as it were is that “you need two RBs in this league,” though I seriously doubt the people who say that are suggesting that you need two highly-paid RBs, both of whom feels he should be the starter. Moreover, I’m not entirely sure that you need two starter-quality RBs at all.  Sure, it’s nice, but the Pats have gotten by without two just fine.  The Colts are a strange situation because they block so well that scrubs suddenly become solid starters.  And it’s not like the Cowboys–who had a two-headed RB the last two years–have fared all that well when it really mattered.)

As a pre-emptive aside, if any Cowboys fans are reading this and feel the need to comment with something like “TRY GETING TO TEH PLAYOFS BEFOR U TALK SHIT,” please remember three things: (1) your team has won exactly as many playoffs games as the Texans during the Texans’ existence; (2) while you have made the playoffs, all you’ve done is this: ; and (3) your mother is a worthless whore.

Tennessee Titans.  I know this is old, but I can’t stop laughing at the “Vince Young partying with other half-naked drunk dudes” photos.  My favorite is this one––mainly because Elroy the Naked Fat Redneck seems to be cracking that one dude up while Vince plays shy and hard-to-get.  “Oh, these tats…yeah…I just…I dunno…I think they kind of make a statement about who I am.  Say, that’s a nice beard/shaved head thing you’ve got workin’.”

Travis Johnson.  “Inflamed pelvis?”  Really???  AWESOME!  (For comedic-writing purposes, not for your day-to-day well-being.)  I guess that dick isn’t quite so holy, huh?  You got gypped by the Pope!

Travis Johnson: (to self) OK, Trav…you gots to get these vows done. OK…here we go…

(takes out pad and crayon and begins to write) Baby, u so fine, I want to suck u like a smokt nekbone.

Frank Okam: (entering lockerroom) Hey, Trav, what’s up?

Johnson: Shut your ass, rookie. Can’t you see I am trying to think here?

Okam: Think about what? What are you writing?

Johnson: Damn, you a nosy motherfucker. Shit. I’m trying to write my motherfuckin’ wedding vows. The woman says we have to write our own so they be special. She knows I ain’t wrote nuthin’ since high school.

Okam: You mean college?

Johnson: D-d-d0 I stutter, you rookie asshole? No, I mean HIGH SCHOOL.

Okam: Oh, yeah, I totally forgot you went to Florida State. My bad. Well, uh, I could give you some help on this if you want.

Johnson: The fuck do you know about wedding vows?

Okam: Well, not much per se, but I tend to write well. And I’m willing to help. (glances at paper) And based on what you have so far, it’s probably a good idea for you to let someone help. Assuming you actually want her to say “I do,” I mean.

Johnson: The fuck is wrong with what I have so far? That’s some romantical shit right there, rookie. You ain’t got no idea how bitches think. They don’t want some lovey Homeo and Juliet making out on the Eiffel Tower shit. That shit is for the gays. Like Trent Green would probably whisper that kinda shit.

Okam: (looking confused)…on the…Eif–nevermind. (has epiphany) OK, fine, you’re probably right; you’ve got way more life experience than I. How about I just help you with some ideas and help you proofread it?

Johnson: I guess that’s cool. So, after the neckbone bit, I was going to go into detail about how much I love her.

Okam: Sounds like a plan.

Johnson: Something like this:

Baby, I luv u mor than I luv getin relly high and watching old kung-fu movies.

Okam: Hmm.

Johnson: What?

Okam: Oh, nothing. Just considering how great the woman must be. That’s all.

Johnson: Yeah, she pretty fly. No doubt about that. So, then, I thought I’d tell her how much she means to me.

Baby, u meen mor to me than my PS3, my 22s, and that time I got to hang out with Jamie Foxx and ride arond in his limo and shit.

Okam: Pure poetry, man. Go on, though. Tell her why she means so much to you.

Johnson: Yeah, dawg! Good call.

Baby, u are so speshul to me because u done had my kids.

Okam: That’s it?

Johnson: More? How about

And becuze u luv me and becuze u don’t mind how much I swet when we be sexin cuz u understand that Houston is one humid mutherfucker.

Okam: Awesome.

Johnson: Then, finally, I thought I’d get all deep on her ass and tell her how because of her, I understand what love really is.

Okam: (genuinely shocked) Seriously? Preach on it, man.

Johnson: Yeah, so, like

Baby, u no I never understude why Jay-Z didn’t put the song Encore last on the Black Album if that was relly suppost to be his final album. I mean, shit, the last verse says “this heres the victry lap and I’m leevin’;” don’t that sound like the way to end an album? But luv ain’t neer as confuzin as that shit–when I am with u, I understan that love is what I feel in my heart.

Okam: (relieved) Fantastic, man. She is going to love it. Great job.

Johnson: Thanks, rookie fag. Now, I gots to go memorize this stuff.(Johnson leaves)

Okam: (to self) Yes, go memorize your little vows, Travis. I can’t wait for her to hear them, either. BWAHAHA! I will destroy you, Travis. Yes, DESTROY! And then the starting Nose Tackle job shall be mine!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

To Be Continued…

In the spirit of the holiday season, let us start with the good things from yesterday’s game. This will be a short list.

• Mario Williams. Super Mario continued to show that he should not only be on the Pro Bowl roster, but should be a starter, putting up a sack in his sixth straight game and keeping pace as the AFC leader. It’s a bit premature, but I am going to come out and say it now–next year, anything less than 18 sacks will disappoint me. (He did get fooled on the Dallas Clark end around, but, Christ, who didn’t?)
• Earl Cochran. I have no idea how he does it, but Earl gets to the ball more or less unblocked more often than not. Hell, he made a tackle on the RB eight yards downfield at one point. He’s fast, aggressive, and has fluid hips that allow him to turn in space. If we don’t keep him around, it’s a mistake.
• Fred Bennett. I love The Fred. The back-to-back passes to Wayne (second one for a TD) notwithstanding, Fred played his ass off all day. 11 tackles, a forced fumble, two great breaks on balls to break up passes…the fact that he languished on the bench while Petey was out there stinking up the joint is still irritating. The good news, though, is that a Bennett/Dunta Robinson combo would mean we finally had two real CBs.
• DeMeco Ryans. Injured knee nothing. It pretty much doesn’t matter which direction the play goes or where Ryans is lined up pre-snap–if the ball leaves the QBs hand, there is roughly a 74.4% chance that DeMeco will be in on the play that brings the ball carrier down. Amazing. The announcers–who, by the way, sucked–mentioned that over the last two seasons, Ryans has more tackles than ANYONE in football. He’s good like that.
• Andre Johnson. Same as it ever was, AJ is just a monster. He’d have been even better Sunday had Sage not eyeball humped him as he ran his routes (more on that later).
• Andre Davis. The man is a special teams ninja.
• Matt Turk. Never a good sign when his 4 punts for a 44.5 yard average are a highlight.

Now for the bad. These are the little lumps of coal in the stocking of my life.

• The secondary other than Fred Bennett. Will Demps seems to knock the crap out of people on every hit, yet, strangely, he doesn’t really knock people flat on their asses most of the time. I can’t figure it out. Case in point, Kenton Keith took Demps’ hit head on, paused briefly, and then moved forward for additional yards. I like Will and I’m glad he’s been so good for us, but this could be a problem. Even more of a problem is the fact that C.C. Brown only hits people with any sort of authority when they are extended or not looking. When the opposing player could see him coming, Brown was as harmless as a fart on a windy day Sunday. Even more irritating, though, was the way he played his position (or, more accurately, didn’t play his position). He was nowhere to be seen on Joe Addai’s TD run (Charlie Anderson also whiffed on this one, but Brown was noticeably absent behind him), he got juked out of his shorts by Clark in the open field, he nearly airballed when he went to shove Clark out of bounds later, he was late to pick up Wayne in the two-deep coverage after Bennett released him, and he vacated his position on Clark’s second TD catch. But Brown was an All-Pro compared to Von Hutchins, who was used and abused by Wayne until Kubiak adjusted and put Bennett on Reggie. He was absolutely roasted on the 42-yard bomb to Wayne near the end of the first quarter (Why was Demps up at linebacker depth before the snap on that play if he wasn’t blitzing and where was Brown? Or did someone think it was a good idea to see if Hutchins could run with Wayne?). AND Hutchins was so late closing on WRs that caught the ball in front of him that they were twice tackled by a linebacker who had to first turn and then chase them down. Oh, and then there was Jamar Fletcher…
• Sage Rosenfels. I sincerely hope that this game will hush the “Sage is Baby Jesus” talk. Even if you don’t want to say he failed as a starter, the fact is that he has never impressed someone to the point that he was “the guy” other than when he was replacing an injured starter. Sunday, he showed us why. There were at least five balls thrown behind receivers, two of which were picked. He stared down his receivers from the snap and threw directly where he was looking almost every time. He forced throws to Andre Johnson when Walter and/or Daniels were wide open. This guy is a solid backup, but if someone wants to give us value for him, holding on to him is borderline retarded, because he is never going to be anything more than a solid backup.
• Darius Walker. I almost put him in the “good” list because he did look strong early and he ran the ball between the tackles well in the beginning stages of the second half. I put him here, however, because it became incredibly apparent that he is nowhere near fast enough to get the ball to the outside and create something out of nothing. The Colts adjusted to his early runs by keeping the LBs home and letting Walker decide whether to run into them or to take it outside where he was hauled down with minimal effort. Of course, seeing this, Kubiak decided it would be a good idea to pitch the ball to him eight yards behind the line and see what he could do (the answer: nothing). I like the idea of him as a third-down back, but that’s about it.
• Travis Johnson. This gets its own post.
• Kris Brown. You miss your only FG, you go on this list by default. Not a horrible game by the Husker, but he didn’t seem upset at all that he pushed that 49-yarder wide.
• Vonta Leach. Question: What good is a fullback who misses on his lead blocking assignments? Answer: No good at all, regardless of whether the coach and QB try to force passes to him. Leach played like butt. Now, part of this might have been due to Walker’s lack of speed; blocking for someone slower than you are probably takes a different approach. Still…man…never a good day when the FB stands out.

Other notes from the contest:

• Regardless of what the now-banned-commenter “Tom,” thinks, the problem Sunday was not the blitz getting burned. Only one of the TDs came against a blitz, and that was a weird phenomenon where we sent too many blitzers and the lanes got clogged up before we could get there. Otherwise, the problem was the Manning was picking apart our zone and then Reggie Wayne would abuse whomever was on him in man coverage. And that we couldn’t get to Manning whether we sent 4, 5, or 6 rushers. And that we couldn’t move the ball because Sage imploded after the second possession. AND because 3/4 of our secondary was playing like crap.
• Kubiak’s playcalling left a lot to be desired. Outside runs with Walker, sending Kevin Walter on a 6 yard route when you need 8, not going for it on fourth when we should have, using Andre Johnson on a hitch screen from our own 25, etc. Uninspiring at best.
• Owen Daniels continues to run hot and cold. He’ll make some great catches over the middle and get you all excited, only to irritate you when he alligator arms one in the face of a linebacker or fails to catch easy balls.
• Tony Dungy may be the nicest guy in the NFL or in the whole world. He might be a great father, husband, coach, and author. But he looks like a whiny ninny when he stands there and yells “no, no, no!” at the refs after they called one of the most obvious horse-collar tackles you’ll ever see.
• So much for the nine wins. At least we have one more crack at .500. I never thought I’d be so happy to be playing a team with absolutely nothing to play for. (Though you could argue that the Colts didn’t have much to play for, either…)

Travis Johnson: (singing to himself) “A-dashing to the sto’ in a big ass Chevrolet. These peoples drive too slow. Bitch, get out my way! Wearing a Santa hat, makes my spirits bright. But if someone laughs at it I’ll gut them like a motherfucking snitch-ass bitch!” Damn. I had some rhyme-time shit going on there for a second. Still…snitch-ass bitches do get stitches, so that kinda works. “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but I sing it any way.”

(arrives at Galleria, somehow manages to find a parking spot) OK…let’s see…WHOA! This big ass map says I am here! How the fuck!? How does it know that shit!? That some spooky, voodoo, hocus-pocus bullshit right there!

five minutes elapse

(still looking at the map) You think you’re so smart, Mr. Map? Well let’s just see about that. (walks around to back of map, counts to four, jumps back in front of it) A-ha! Now what do you have to sa–MOTHER FUCKER! “You are here.” How does it know?!? I need to find that cologne-sellin’ booth and get away from this plastic devil.

(walks up to perfume counter at Nieman Marcus) Hello, perfume lady.

Lady Behind Counter: Hello, sir. Is there something I can help you with?

Johnson: Yes, perfume lady. You see, I have many, many peoples who love them some Travis Johnson. I want to get them something special that will let them think about Travis any time they wear it.

Lady: Well, we have several new scents this yea–

Johnson: No, perfume lady, you seem to be misunderstanding Travis. Let Trav spell it out for you, homegirl. I want to get them something smells like me. I want to make Eau de Trav or Johnson Fields or some such heavenly fragrance.

Lady: I…but…wait…what? You want to bottle your own scent?!

Johnson: Precisely. So, let’s do it. Hook me up to whatever scentifying machine you gots back there and start extractin’ some of that Travisey goodness.

Lady: That’s not really how it works, sir. We can’t bottle your “scent. ”

Johnson: The fuck you mean you can’t bottle Travis’ scent?! You got that Liz Taylor stank in a bottle! And I don’t even know who the fuck “Ralph Lauren” is, but you got that dude’s funk in a lot of different bottles. Travis gots a much better musk than that motherfucker!

Lady: Sir, please, keep your voice down or I will have to call security. There is no way I can get your “musk” in a bottle. It is literally impossible.

Johnson: What the fuck? Ain’t this about a bitch? What the hell am I supposed to do with this, then?

Lady: What is that? Is that a jar of…

Johnson: You know it, perfume lady. That’s a week worth of 100% Travis Johnson ball sweat. I collected it myself. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do? Of course you don’t, because you are a woman, so you have flabias and clicks instead of balls. But trust me–it ain’t easy.

Lady: (trying not to vomit) Sir…you need…GUH…to put that…away!

Johnson: The fuck I do! I need to mix it with, like, the smell of some roses and peaches and shit, and then put that shit in a little glass bottle with some France writing on it. Maybe have some glitter and shiny shit on the outside, just so it looks as pretty as it smells. Mark that shit $99.95! People in other countries fight wars for this kind of magic love potion! This shit might just cure blindness. Hell, you rub this on a dead baby and that little dude will probably live again. This is some top-notch, magical stankonia!

Lady: Sir, I am not really even sure what you are talking about now, but, for the LAST TIME, we cannot bottle your “smell” here. Now, unless there is something else I can help you with, I am going to have to ask you to leave.

Johnson: Oh, HELL no. Nobody asks Travis Johnson to leave!

Lady: SECURITY!!!!

(two guards run up) Johnson: Motherfucker! It’s on, now. I was just trying to Christmas shop, but you had to go and start shit. (gets into crane kick pose) Enter the dragon, bitches!

Hello peoples. I am here today to talk to you about proper holiday nutrition.

You see, too often peoples such as yourselves fail to include an important food group in your Thanksgiving feastseses. Oh, sure, you remember the scrumptious turkey with stuffing, the sweet potatoes with the little melty marshmallows on top, the cranberry sauce, the punkin pies, and even the smashed potatoes with giblet gravy. All of that is verry, verry delightful, but it is incomplete. So, let Travis Johnson impart a little wisdom this Thanksgiving morning: When making dinner, please don’t forget the vegetables.

Happy Thanksgiving.

At some point on Tuesday, assuming Blogger doesn’t crash, this little corner of blogodelphia will cross the 40,000 hit threshold. Thus proving that there is always a market for jokes about beer-soaked underwear, Peyton Manning’s sex life, and Travis Johnson’s body parts.

I am as baffled as you.

(Thanks.)

UPDATE: Because a couple people have emailed and said that they are unable to register and leave comments here, I’ve switched the comments to allow unregistered commenters.

UPDATE 2: Of course, having posted this, Sitemeter appears broken today. Unless there have really been no readers in the last four hours.

UPDATE 3: Reader #40,000 was from Gonzaga University. Odd.

I know we haven’t been running a 4-3 defense very long. I know that there are probably still some kinks and growing pains that we are trying to work through. Nevertheless, I am beginning to wonder if Richard Smith even knows how to use a 4-3. In fact, taking it a step further, as each week passes, I am more and more sure that he’s unaware we are even running a 4-3. How else can you explain the following:

1. Why aren’t we blitzing someone with any regularity?

[fire up the tedious, pedantic football primer]

The greatest strength of the 3-4 defense is its flexibility. Because the defense requires faster players at key positions, teams can move seamlessly between the base 3-4, an old-school 5-2 (from which they can either all rush, slide into a 2-deep zone, or even run a basic zone-blitz), and even a 4-2-5 zone. Given that flexibility plus the speed inherent in the personnel, a person might wonder why all teams don’t run the 3-4. Well, aside from the fact that it’s not always easy to put together that personnel (as our first years demonstrated), the answer is that the 3-4 is much easier for teams to run against. Because the players in the 3-4 are smaller, a good running team with a large line can dominate the nose tackle, crash down on the middle linebackers, and create some great running holes.

The 4-3, on the other hand, gives you an additional defensive tackle and makes it easier to keep the offensive linemen from getting to the second level and neutralizing your MLB. And, if you find four really good linemen, the 4-3 offers the opportunity to get good pressure on the offense without sending a linebacker. This is helpful because the base 4-3 generally features man coverage on the WRs. If the front four can get pressure, however, the linebackers and DBs can drop into a 2- or 3-deep zone, increasing your chances for a hurried throw and possible interception.

THAT SAID (and that’s a very big “that said”), if you don’t have a defensive line that can get pressure all by itself–few teams do–you have to create pressure. It doesn’t matter how good or flexible your linebackers are, if the front four cannot get after the QB alone, all but the most inept NFL QBs can sit back there and pick apart a zone defense. See, e.g, Collins, Kerry.

[end primer...for the moment]

OK, so back to my pre-primer question: Why aren’t we at least blitzing someone with any regularity?

I know that the pat answer is “because we need our LBs in coverage.” Except that is circular logic. If you aren’t blitzing because you aren’t getting pressure and, thus, your suspect secondary is getting exposed, then it is the dropping of LBs into coverage that is creating the need for the LBs in coverage.

Look, if you aren’t getting pressure from the front four in a 4-3, then you have to create pressure by blitzing. It’s that simple. This is doubly true when your secondary is shaky at best. Pressure creates turnovers through hurried throws and forced fumbles and it forces clowns like Petey Faggins to have to cover for a shorter time (thus limiting the amount of time he has to grab hold of the WRs jersey). There are no three linebackers in the world who can help enough to counter a QB having all day to pick apart a feeble secondary.

For a perfect example of this, you need look no further than last year’s Washington Redskins. When injuries at corner made it so that they basically couldn’t cover anyone, their response was to drop everyone into coverage and play a soft cover 2. The result: QBs had all day (because Washington’s front four couldn’t get any pressure at all) and the Skins were the worst deep ball defense in the league last year. The lesson: QB pressure makes the entire defense better in ways that extra coverage cannot, or, alternatively, any amount of coverage gets beat when the QB has enough time.

Which is not to say that I advocate sending ALL of your linebackers…

2. So, then…how should we go about blitzing (assuming we won’t just properly utilize the LBs in the 4-3)? The answer is simple: the zone blitz

[4-3 defense 102 here. Feel free to skip ahead.]

The idea behind the zone blitz is two-fold. First, duh, create pressure. Second, however, it tries to confuse the offense’s blocking calls by sending any of the three linebackers (or, occasionally, a safety) while someone else fills the space left by the vacating backer. In that way, the defense does not lose the extra hands in coverage, but should still be able to get penetration because the offensive line will not know where the blitz is coming from on a given play.

For example, the zone blitz allows the MLB to blitz through the A-gap, while the nose tackle stunts over through the B-gap. In coverage, the WLB fills the space vacated by the MLB and the RDE drops back and out into the space that WLB would fill in a standard two deep zone. So, when the QB sees the MLB attack, his natural reaction is to look to throw at where the blitz came from (or, if he’s guessing that the WLB will fill, to where the WLB came from), only to find the ball thrown right at a defender.

Then, on the very next play, with the very same package, the team could go with a more traditional WLB blitz, but have the RDE slide back to fill. We saw this play once or twice in the preseason with Shantee Orr lined up outside the RDE and it was effective.

An added bonus of blitzing out of a two-deep zone is that it allows our best defensive player to make even more of an impact on the game. DeMeco Ryans has two sacks this season, both of which have come on a straight blitz. On both plays, he came more or less untouched (one against Harrington late in the game when we decided to actually play D and the one last week where he nearly killed Kerry Collins) because he was allowed to read the offensive line and choose between the A- and B-gap and he smacked the QB right in the mouth. He has also been asked to run blitz a couple times and he’s found success there. So, if we start using him on some zone blitzes, teams will have to account for him more. Meaning that blitzes from other positions–say Danny Clark stunting over the LDE with Morlon Greenwood dropping back to the middle and DeMeco filling the space where the SLB would normally be–a team throwing over the blitz would be throwing the ball right at our best defensive weapon. Likewise, letting DeMeco creep up and show blitz, especially if he’d already had success, would create more chances for the d-linemen on either side of him to get ignored by an overzealous o-lineman. And so on, and so forth.

[/4-3 Defense 102]

I cannot state this strongly enough. Blitzing is a necessity when you have 1/4th of a real secondary. Zone blitzing allows for our strong front seven to create mismatches while still keeping two or three extra bodies in coverage and allowing our best defensive player to better impact the game. While you cannot necessarily use the zone blitz on every down (it becomes less effective at some point), how is this not a better option than dropping the three LBs, relying entirely on your front four for any pressure on the QB, and watching the QB have time to locate and throw at Petey Faggins?

3. Why do we use our front four in such a vanilla manner?

Just like you can’t run the zone blitz on every defensive snap, if you do anything over and over, eventually everyone in the NFL will know your tendencies. (By “eventually,” I mean “by next week.”) Right now, we have the same formulaic defensive line positions. Mario at RDE on running plays, Mario at LDE on passing plays, blah blah blah.

Why?

First of all, backing up a step, why when Mario moves to LDE–a move I really, really like–do the tackles not flip-flop so that Amobi Okoye is not beside Mario? We’ve covered this before. Yes, I am fully aware that Amobi has four sacks and that, on three of those, Mario is clearly occupying at least two blockers. That’s all well and good, but, like we said before, it’s not really the highest, best use of their talents. Flipping Amobi puts your two-gap, big-bodied tackle between Mario and Okoye. It is this player’s goal to pick up two blockers, which means that either Amobi or Mario (or, possibly, both) would draw single blocking more often than not. Meaning, oh I don’t know, that we would get more consistent penetration from both sides of the line.

But, back to where we started question 3: why even have a definite set order for your defensive linemen? I mean, sure, if you are going to have set positions based on down and distance, then for god’s sake, do it correctly within the constraints of the 4-3. But do you really even have to have set positions? Right now, you have Mario Williams who, though Richard Justice would disagree, is actually playing very well. You have Amobi Okoye, who is playing the pass-rush role as well as we hoped and playing the running game better than we hoped. AND you have Travis Johnson who is just playing some inspired football right now, hustling, hitting people, and playing like you would hope a first-round DT would. That’s three real pass rushers, plus we haven’t even touched on Kalu, Weaver, Maddox, etc.

With that kind of ability up front, why become so predictable that teams can game plan and negate some of the advantage you have? Mix it up a little. Go big on one play and have Mario, Maddox, Johnson, and Amobi from left to right. Next time out, go with your more traditional base. Then turn around and go small (relatively speaking) with Mario, Okoye, Cochran, and Orr. Create a mismatch by putting Mario at under tackle and then having him twist-stunt with Weaver lined up at DE. The possibilities are vast…if you will just use them.

Note: I am fully aware that Mario moved around a lot last year and that some of the coaching staff thought that might have been his “problem.” You know, rather than just having an injured foot and being a rookie at a tough position. That’s all well and good, but setting up your front so that he is guaranteed to get doubled on every single play is hardly the answer.

I guess the bigger point here for question three is JUST DO SOMETHING. Don’t keep running out there with a predictable front four rotation, no blitz packages to speak of, and a secondary that can’t cover for as long as you are asking them to. DO SOMETHING.

The great thing about the 4-3 is the balance. But that balance is in terms of playing the run versus playing the pass, meaning you still have to play to the strengths of your D. Consistency in game planning will always equal regression in the NFL; worse, consistently planning in the same incorrect manner will always equal failure.

[Author's note: I wrote this in about five different pieces, so I apologize if it rambles. Please point out any inconsistencies in it.]

I was going to write up something about the debacle/miracle/heartbreak that was Sunday, but–thankfully–Tim beat me to it. I don’t have anything of any importance to add, so I just link to his here (offense) and here (defense). I really am glad he took the time and effort, because I am not sure that I could have gone in depth on that game without throwing up all over my computer.

Update: I will mention that Travis Johnson’s performance on Sunday was amazingly bizarre. I mentioned somewhere that I am too lazy to link to right now that he won me over somewhat in camp, as he really seemed to be working. Then, after the Trent Green episode, I actually found myself rooting for the guy. Still, none of that prepared me for seeing Travis effin’ Johnson running sideline to sideline, making hits, playing well, and talking smack after big plays.

OK, maybe I was sorta prepared for the smack talking, but not the other stuff.

10/07/07

12:01 PM
Travis Johnson’s Brain: You know…I have a lot of respect for Trent Green. I mean, it’s not just any ol’ white boy that can throw like a girl and still be able to make an NFL career. That’s impressive. Do yo’ thing, whitey.

Legs: Did we stretch enough? I dunno. Damned airconditioned dome, keeping us cold all the time. This is stupid.

Eyes: Yo, our offensive is looking pretty good. Matty is spreading the ball around. OH SHIT!!! Did you see that pass to Andre?!? Hells yeah!

Mouth: LET’S GO, OFFENSE! PUNCH THIS IN!

12:18 PM
Brain: Okay. Let’s do this. 7-3, baby. Let’s get a three and out!

Mouth: LET’S GO, DEFENSE! THREE-AND-OUT, BABY!

Eyes: End around! Run, motherfucker, run!

Legs: Let’s go!

Eyes: FUMBLE! No, wait, he’s running the other direction.

Legs: Oh, hell yeah. Tedd Ginn ain’t shit! We’re gonna catch him. This is gonna be some highlight reel shit right her–

Trent Green’s Head: BONZAI!!!!!!!

Travis Johnson’s Right Knee: OW!!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!? JESUS CHRIST, THAT HURT!!! DID WE JUST TRIP OVER A GARDEN GNOME AGAIN?!

Eyes: We’re seeing double here. Hold on. Okay…that was…OH, HELL NO! That was the motherfucking quarterback!!!

Brain: Who the fuck does he think he is?! Nobody hits motherfucking Travis Johnson like that! Nobody!! We should tell him that, too!

Legs: C’mon, we’re heading to the bench.

Right Knee: (with each step) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Brain: Go on, mouth. Tell him what’s up!

Right Hand: (points) I’ll help you.

Mouth: Motherfucker! Don’t ever motherfucking hit me like that again in your motherfucking life or I will break your motherfucking ass in half, you punk bitch motherfucker! I ain’t even play–

Travis Johnson’s Eyes: I think he’s dead.

Legs: That don’t mean the mouth is wrong. Let’s keep moving, though.

Right Knee: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. What’s that fucking clicking sound? Ow.

12:20 PM
Right Knee: You know what, Brain?

Brain: What?

Right Knee: I don’t have so much respect for Trent Green anymore.

Brain: Nah, me neither.

Right Knee: In fact… you know what… FUCK Trent Green!

Brain: Yeah! He’s like… um… scared. Like a, uh, a fucking…SCARECROW! Like some Wizard of Odds, shit. Scarecrow motherfucker. Get the wizard to give you some courage and shit!

Right Knee: I think it was the Lion who wanted courage.

Brain: Which one of us got the B- in book readin’ at Florida State, you gimpy bitch? Besides, that don’t make sense. Lions are brave motherfuckers. Kings of the jungle book and shit. Scarecrows is scared, obviously.

Right Knee: But they are supposed to scare the crows. Ah, fuck it. Nevermind.

Brain: That’s right! Can’t NOBODY step to this knowledge.

3:45 PM
Mouth: The bottom line is, it was a malicious hit. It was uncalled for.

Brain: Tell ‘em that scarecrow shit I came up with!

Mouth: He’s like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn’t looking, and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head.

Brain: Yeah!

Eyes: People seem confused by that. Are you sure it was the scarecrow?

Brain: They just can’t keep up with my intellect, fool. Now, listen mouth. Give them something about how the hit was dirty and that nobody likes dirty hits. Maybe throw some religion in there, just so no one thinks you are a jerk.

Mouth: God don’t like ugly, you know what I mean?

Brain: Perfect!

According to this Chron article, Travis Johnson will not be fined for his taunting penalty. In a league where throwing a ball at someone’s feet can get you $7500 and wearing the wrong hat at the Super Bowl can get you $100,000, the NFL’s refusal to fine Johnson practically screams that they understood why he would be pissed and felt that, while the penalty was correct, so was Johnson’s being angry.

Gene Washington determined that Johnson’s taunting penalty did not warrant a fine, said Greg Aiello, the league’s senior vice president of public relations. The player was upset about what he thought was an illegal block. Gene did not believe he deserved to be fined.

Implied in that decision is that they also did not buy into the idea that Green’s own self-inflicted loss of consciousness should factor into whether what Johnson did was right or wrong. Considering how untenable and ridiculous that suggestion really is, I’m glad they feel this way. After all, where does one draw the line? What if Green was only dizzy and not out? What if he was fine and Johnson was injured? What if they both were injured? The league, unlike some knee-jerk reactionaries, does not feel that what happens to the hitter as a result of his hitting the hittee should factor into whether the hittee’s reaction to said his is fine-worthy.

With that, I’ll consider this matter closed. Though I remind you again that God don’t like ugly.

Some follow-up notes on “The Travis Johnson Incident.”

• I’ve received a couple emails from people saying that they don’t entire agree with me. That’s to be expected and it’s one of the things I like about feedback. One of the main points that emails have mentioned, though, is that I am way off-base when I say Green should have hit Johnson high. If Johnson were running right at Green, that would be true.
  However, the point remains that, regardless of where Green hit Travis, the hit was almost certainly going to be blind. Now, while it would be suicidal for Green to try to go numbers-to-numbers with Johnson, hitting him in the shoulder when he doesn’t see it coming (more on that in a second) would have been completely effective and safe for both players. My bigger point, though, is that Green could have basically hit Johnson anywhere between Johnson’s earhole and his thigh pad and both players would have been fine.
• As to Johnson getting blindsided, if one wants to fault him for anything on that play, not seeing looking for a block would probably be it. “Head on a swivel” is the phrase that special teamers and pass-catching TEs and the like use frequently. Well, a DT running free in space makes a pretty large target and would do well to heed that advice. Of course, the flip side to that is that asking someone to watch out for a cheap shot to his knees as he is trying to track the ball-carrier is asking a little much. Still, if you are looking to make Johnson guilty of something in the play, that would be it.
• A lot of people have mentioned the KSK discussion of the hit. My favorite line is “Johnson’s only crime was being excited that Green’s pisspoor blocking skill didn’t end his career.” Pretty much.
• McClain offers up a pretty fair take that discusses the scenario from both sides. He also mentions that Johnson has a “clicking” in his knee and will undergo an MRI. Great. Fantastic. That’s what we need. How dare he get angry at Green for that hit?
• Regardless of what you think of Johnson’s “taunting,” (and I use quotes because I don’t think it was really taunting in anything but the purely technical sense) you have to admit that Green getting knocked cold was Green’s fault and no one else’s. So, yeah, if you want to feel sorry for the guy because he got yelled at when he couldn’t hear it, go ahead; but Green doesn’t deserve much (or any) sympathy for actually getting hit.
• Over at Fanhouse, Stephanie’s take is straight-forward and even-handed, which is exactly what you would expect. I mean that in a nice way. Michael Smith’s take, on the other hand, is trite drivel devoid of anything interesting or compelling, which is also exactly what you would expect. I wish someone would knee him in the head.
• Final thought. If you look at all the ways Green and Johnson could collide in a game setting, nearly every one either results in no penalty or a penalty on Johnson. Clean sack? No penalty. Green dives into Johnson’s knees from the blindside, possibly injuring him? No penalty. Sack where Johnson hits Green in the head? Flag. Sack where Johnson hits Green too low? Likely flag. Johnson trips and rolls into Green after the ball is released? Flag. Johnson sees Green trailing the play and lights him up before Green can block him? Flag. This is fair how?

Because I didn’t get to watch yesterday’s game, the first (and only) clip I saw of it was Travis Johnson running into Trent Green as Keith Olbermann called Johnson the “Worst Person in the NFL.” As Olbermann (whom I’ve generally liked throughout his sports career) opined at length about how Johnson was classless and needed to shut up and the like, my reaction to the clip was markedly different.

Watch the clip again. Johnson’s eyes are on Ted Ginn, whom he trails by a few yards and from an awkward angle. As the ball carrier turns, flattening Johnson’s pursuit angle even more, Green dives directly into Travis’s knees. This is a bullshit, bush-league move on Green’s part, so I am not the least bit surprised that Johnson was pissed off.

Ask yourself what happens if this whole block develops a half-second slower? Johnson’s foot is on the ground, Green’s shoulder goes into the knee, and Travis is most likely done for the season with multiple tears. And all we hear is how Trent sacrificed his body to make a block and, boy, it’s just a shame that someone wound up injured. Luckily (for Travis), the play happened as it did, sending him sprawling instead of sending him to the hospital.

Besides, look at Travis’s reaction. That is not someone jumping up, saying “yeah, bitch, you just got knocked the fuck OUT!” What point would there even be in taunting someone who successfully blocked you out of the play? How would that make any sense at all? What’s he gonna say, “ha ha, you tried to block me and you got hurt?” That’s lame and I highly doubt anyone would taunt for that. Getting pissed off, however, because some pussy quarterback didn’t have the balls to hit you in the shoulder, or shove you, or do anything other than a blindside dive into your knees? That makes perfect sense. In THAT situation, there is a point in letting someone know that, “motherfucker, if you ever hit me in the knees again, I’ll fucking end you.”

Should Johnson have said anything at all? Maybe not, if only because Green was clearly not moving. On the other hand, Johnson jumped up and just started going after Trent, so I kind of doubt that Travis was even thinking to himself that Green might be hurt. As soon as Travis walked around so that he could see Green’s face and it registered that Trent was not moving, Johnson went away. So, I suppose I look at the whole thing like this: If Green hadn’t been injured, would Travis have been right to get pissed off and start yelling at him? Of course. Would every other defensive lineman in the game react to that block by getting up and yelling (or even shoving) the QB who blocked him? Yup. So, just because a concussion-prone pussy managed to get busted in the head while throwing a cheap-but-technically-legal block that would elicit a similar response from anyone, why should Johnson’s initial reaction be any different? It shouldn’t.

By the way, Peter King, you can save the “it was a legal block” horseshit. By the letter of the law, sure, it was not illegal…which is probably why Johnson wasn’t screaming to the ref that there should be a flag. But you can bet your sweet ass that if Johnson had flown into Green’s knees as Trent was throwing, there would have been a penalty on Houston, so it’s not like kneecapping someone when they are in a vulnerable spot is commonly accepted practice. Even two of the three former players in your NBC crew said it was a cheap shot. “Cheap” does not have to equal “illegal” to be outside what is acceptable among players.

What about Green’s excuse (which he texted to Fatty Starbucks) of “[h]e outweighs me by over 100 lbs. Where shld I blk him?” Johnson was chasing Ted Ginn of all people and was already trailing and had a shit angle. There was no chance in hell Travis was going to catch him from behind. How about just a shove? Or shoulder to shoulder contact? Or shoulder pad to his mid-section, because after all, you were blindsiding him, so you had some options. Don’t give me the “he’s big” defense when you had other options. I’ve seen Brett Favre block linemen for years and he never had to resort to that kind of cheap shit, so don’t expect sympathy when you get a concussion from a bullshit move on your part.

But, anyway, back to the alleged taunting. Yes, Johnson drew a penalty for it, though that probably had more to do with the pointing and yelling than with the substance of the words. I cannot think of a single time where I’ve seen an NFL player taunt someone after severely injuring his opponent, even when it is a defensive player making the injurious hit. So why should we believe that Johnson was going to “taunt” after getting hit? The only explanation for Travis’s actions that makes sense in context–and that jives with Johnson’s quotes after the game–is that he was pissed about the location of the hit and was yelling at the player who hit him. What is wrong with doing that?

******

Two final side-notes.

1. I fully admit that I do not like Trent Green and that I might have taken a little glee in what happened (once I realized he wasn’t dead). Still, I’d like to think that my reaction would be the same with any two players in that situation.

2. Why is it that Johnson’s actions are causing people to fail to mention the stupidity on Green’s part of leading with his goddamned head when he knows he is concussion-prone?