Kickoff - “Let’s Turn The Focus From Manrape” Edition
Oct 9, 2008 2006 Draft, 2008 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Boobies, H/T Eric, Pulp Fiction, Super Mario, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Did I really defend his signing last year? Guh. Yahoo! Sports has a short article on teams that are completely out of contention and which players they should be trying to unload onto other teams. Their take on Houston:
Even though the Houston Texans are 0-4, many observe[r]s believe they will rebound and play well. Furthermore, the Texans don’t have many players who should just be dumped, aside from running back Ahman Green.
“And I would only take Green if I was truly desperate,” one of the executive said. “Thank God I’m not in that situation.”
Yes, Jesus loves meeeee…. The Texans’ Cheerleaders have unveiled their new calendar and Erica will grace the cover. I’d like to grace her cover. And by “grace” I mean…well, you get it.
Vaya con dios, rookie turd. Jake Long had better pray to the god of his choosing, as the plan on Sunday is (apparently) to let him try and block Mario solo when Mario is on that side. This plan has the potential to make Trent Green’s 2007 head injury look like a hangnail. (Side note: Why is everyone who doesn’t follow the Texans oblivious to the fact that Mario moves around and does not play RDE all day long? Does no one ever watch tape? Seriously?)
Finally. More Erica.
Kickoff - “0-4 Eats My Nuts” Edition
Oct 7, 2008 2008 Season, His name is Earl, Kickoff, Rosie Rosenfels, Trent Green's mushed up brains
News and happenings while we all still ponder what the fuck Sage Rosencopter was thinking.
Bad News Travels Fast. Even the goddamned Canadians are talking about how awful the Texans’ collapse was. Great. “A day removed from perhaps the worst collapse in their short history, the winless Texans had many ways to describe their stunning loss to the Indianapolis Colts.”
Would someone please just shank Anthony Weaver? You want a perfect example of how stats don’t always tell the whole story? Look at Earl Cochran’s line for the year. Yet I don’t think you’d find anyone who would argue that Cochran hasn’t been our second-best DE whenever he’s been on the field.
The oddsmakers know. It’s not a stretch to say we were this close to being 2-2 right now, which explains why we are still favored to beat the Miami Dolphins (2-2) this weekend. In fact, Travis Johnson is sharpening his kneecap as we speak.
Finally. Caption this photo of Sage Rosenfels and Big Papa Pump at a ping pong tourney. (No, seriously.)
Travis Johnson has an audience with the Pope
Apr 23, 2008 Bad Idea Jeans, Corky Johnson, Fake Conversations with Real People, Huh?, Inanity, Might as well piss off as many religions as possible, Polygamy, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Gary Kubiak: (on phone) …uh-huh…yep…really, him? OK…no, that’s fine…I just didn’t…I didn’t know he was Catholic…I’ll tell him. (hangs up, dials Travis Johnson’s cell phone)
Travis Johnson: (singing) And IiiiIiiiiIiiiiiIIIIIIiiiiieieeeee, will always LOVE youuuuuuuuuu, IIIIIIIIII will always love youuuuuuuu… (answers phone) ‘Sup, coach?
Kubiak: Hey, Trav. How’s it going? I just got a call from the strangest person.
Johnson: You mean someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese? That’s not so weird; I get that all the time.
Kubiak: (sighing) No, Travis…not someone pretending to be Mayor McCheese. I have no idea–nevermind. Anyway, I got a call from the Missionary Oblates of Mary Immaculate.
Johnson: The fuck is an oblate?
Kubiak: You know, the people who provide priests for your church here in Houston? Shit…ANYWAY, it seems that the Pope is in the U.S. and he wants to invite you to have an audience with him. This is quite an honor, Trav, and–quite frankly–I am petrified that you will do something monumentally stupid and turn every Mexican in Texas against us. Please don’t fuck this up. Please?
Johnson: Shit, baby…it’s all to the good. I loves me some Pope.
(later that evening, in the rectory of St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Houston)
Johnson: Hi, Mr. Pope. Nice hat, dawg.
Pope Benedict: Hello, Travis. God bless you.
Johnson: So, what’s up, man? What’s good? What’s the word? (does elaborate, thirty-eight step handshake, points to the sky)
Pope: (looking startled) I…I…well, it is certainly wonderful to meet you, Travis. Father McHale tells me that you are setting a wonderful example for Catholic youth in Texas. He says that you–
Johnson: Oh, hell yeah, dawg! I be doin’ all sorts of shit fo’ the little kiddies. Why, just the other day, I took ten kids to the Mall to let them watch me buy some shoes.
Pope: I’m sorry? Do you mean you bought them shoes?
Johnson: Shit, no, man. I bought ME some shoes and I told them, “y’all practice hard and, someday, you’ll be able to afford all these shoes fo’ yo’ damn selves.” They were feelin’ me.
Pope: (looks slightly frightened and confused) You…bought yourself shoes…I…I don’t know what to say.
Johnson: I know, right?! Shit was great, dog!
Pope: (suddenly rethinking the entire meeting, changes subject) Tell me, son, is there a prayer you would like to say with me?
Johnson: Nah, dawg. I’m good.
Pope: Well, perhaps there is something you’d like blessed?
Johnson: Wait…whatchu sayin’? That you can give, like, super Jesus powers to something?
Pope: Not exactly, my son, but I can bless you or someone you love.
Johnson: Fo’ real?
Pope: Yes.
Johnson: Fo’ really real?
Pope: (sighing) Yes.
Johnson: Awwwww, SNAP! (unzips pants) Bless this, Pope.
Pope: What?!!
Johnson: Look, here’s the deal. I gots these two dudes on my team–Will Demps and, uh, this other Ivy League brotha we just signed–and they are both packin’ some SERIOUS dick, Pope. And, to make matters worse, they are both pulling more ass than a Texas Mormon, ya dig? So, I’s thinkin’ that, if you blessed my little Osceola, I could use my Jesus Dong to compete with those two.
Pope: (aghast)
Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope)
Pope: (frightened)
Johnson: (looks at dick, looks at Pope.) Man, you gonna sit there slack-jawed like some motherfuckin’ Trent Green or you gonna holify my shit?
Pope: (looks for nearest exit, making blessing motion in Travis’ general direction) Ego contemno meus vita.
Johnson: (zipping up pants) Now THAT’S what I be talkin’ about, ya heard! 20 minutes ago, I had a lot of respect for the Pope. Now, I’m all like, HELLZ YEAH, THE POPE IS THE SHIZZNIT, BABY!!!! Vatican City in the house! Florida State in the house! My holy dick in the house!!!
Pope: (scurries out the side door)
Travis: (yelling after him) Yo, dawg, I’ma give my cell number to that dude out front in the big red hat! Holla at a playa if you are back in town! Tell Jesus I said what’s up!
God hates Arkansas; loves Texans fans
Apr 4, 2008 2008 Season, Babies rule, Damn it, Fuck the Cowboys, Self-Referential Stuff, Shit, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Well, I have to admit, I TOTALLY didn’t see that coming. The tornado, I mean. One minute, I am nearly asleep in bed (naked, of course) and, the next, I am hiding in the bathroom with the family as a tornado roars overhead. Once it passed, I went outside and surveyed the damage–lots of trees down, a ruptured gas main that was spewing natural gas, and lots of general carnage. We walked to a friend’s house a couple blocks away and got a ride to the mother-in-law’s house (I honestly would rather have slept in the yard, breathing natural gas).
ANYWAY…we went back this morning to really take stock of what happened. Long story short, God smote the neighbors while sparing me and mine. The only conclusion I can draw is that he happens to read this blog and didn’t want me to die, though, honestly, I think we can all agree that BFD brings way more to the party these days than I do. I took some pictures of the destruction, too, so we can all be entertained. Oh, and to answer your question, the new smoker and the big TV are totally fine.
Here is the neighbor’s kitchen. According to him, the whole house shifted on the foundation, too. He is a Cowboys fan, though, so he probably deserved this.
Here is the adjacent neighbor’s work trailer. “Suck it,” says God.
This rental car did not come standard with a roof tree. That was an aftermarket add-on. I think it brings out the paint job nicely.
Arkansas Bonsai Tree.
This is our one little spot of damage. Had it fallen differently, it would have smashed into my bedroom and mangled shit. Instead, it’s a flesh wound, giving the house some street cred. Yes, Jesus loves meeee…
These used to be upright. And that piece of the sidewalk was flat. I think I liked both better that way. Then again, I have never had much of an eye for decorating.
My car is doing its impression of Trent Green’s brain.
2200 lbs. of tornado-proof steel. God bless Texas(-made products).
You see disaster; I see a clear chunk of southern sky that will let me get DirecTV before football season starts. Life gives you lemons, you throw those suckers at someone and laugh.
Perhaps the funniest part of this whole thing was, as the tornado was passing overhead, the baby slept right through it. In the end, nothing I like got damaged, I have a cool story, and my football watching is improved. I think I kinda like tornadoes.
Merry fucking Christmas
Dec 17, 2007 Blasphemy, Fuck the Cowboys, My Officemate is a Fucking Twit, Ranting, Super Mario, Tank Johnson's gunrack, Trent Green's mushed up brains
So, I have bitched at length about my officemate, right? The moron who chews Corn Nuts with her mouth open and expects answers to rhetorical questions?
Well, I finally got rid of her because she left to take another job. I thought to myself “thank God, there is no way the next person could be worse.” Why do I say these stupid things, even if only to myself?
The new guy is (a) is about as different from me politically that a human being can be, (b) “thoroughly enjoyed” law school, and (c) is a GODDAMNED COWBOYS FAN! Also, regarding this last fact, he does seem to have much of a sense of humor. Take, for example, the following exchanges from this morning:
Him: (seeing the Mario picture on my desktop) You like the Texans? Why not root for the Cowboys–at least they are good.
Me: The Cowboys that our second string beat in the preseason, despite the fact that your coach gameplanned, blitzed, and played his starters well into the third quarter? I’ll pass.
—
Him: That whole thing with Trent Green and Travis Jackson (sic) was classless. The Texans should have released him after that shit.
Me: Your team signed Tank fucking Johnson, who has been imprisoned on gun charges, once threatened to kick a cop’s ass, and has been charged with resisting arrest, aggravated assault, and leaving the scene of an accident in the last eighteen months. I’m sorry…you were saying something about class?
—
Him: Why in the world did the Texans draft Mario Williams, anyway?
Me: Probably had something to do with him having the talent to lead the AFC in sacks in his second year. Probably something along those lines.
Strangely, he didn’t laugh one time in response to those comments. He also didn’t think it was funny when I changed my desktop to the picture of Romo crying last year. Touchy, I guess.
A PSA from Travis Johnson
Nov 22, 2007 Holiday posts, Inanity, Travis Johnson, Trent Green's mushed up brains
Hello peoples. I am here today to talk to you about proper holiday nutrition.
You see, too often peoples such as yourselves fail to include an important food group in your Thanksgiving feastseses. Oh, sure, you remember the scrumptious turkey with stuffing, the sweet potatoes with the little melty marshmallows on top, the cranberry sauce, the punkin pies, and even the smashed potatoes with giblet gravy. All of that is verry, verry delightful, but it is incomplete. So, let Travis Johnson impart a little wisdom this Thanksgiving morning: When making dinner, please don’t forget the vegetables.
Happy Thanksgiving.
