Not To Blow Anything Out Of Proportion, But…
Sep 11, 2008 Jeff Fisher's Mustache, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity
I am starting to doubt Fisher’s story about how Vince was not refusing to play and was only discussing a tight hammy.
Coach Jeff Fisher said when Young is healthy he’s going to have to show he’s made progress on all fronts before resuming his duties as the starter. And that could be a while.
“He has some work to do. Obviously he has some work to do,” Fisher said. “He has to put some things back in perspective, and first and foremost he has to get healthy.”
[***]
Young generated a lot of negative attention Sunday when he initially refused to go back into the game against Jacksonville. He suffered the knee injury a few plays later. The next day Fisher called the police to search for Young because the coach was worried about his quarterback, who was missing for several hours.
Link. (h/t Vega)
Kickoff - “Oh, another hurricane? Fantastic. Because I need more rain, right?” Edition
Sep 11, 2008 Ike, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
Bob McNair is no weatherman. Uncle Bob is still holding off on announcing the hurricane contingency plans for this weekend, saying “[t]he most likely thing is it will go somewhere else rather than come right here[; t]he probability is it will go somewhere else.” Um, sorry Robert, but no. My prediction is that the game will eventually get bumped to Monday night, but that assumes that the ‘cane will hurry on through once it makes landfall Saturday-ish. If not, then I have no idea.
The cause of and solution to all of life’s problems. Kerry Collins has just the ticket for Vince Young to get his head straight–liquor! (Actually, that’s probably not what the article was about, but I didn’t read it. Facts only get in the way of a tacky joke.)
Aww, how cute. The Baltimore Sun suggests that, because Jared Gaither blocked Mario Williams successfully for about a quarter-and-a-half three years ago when both were in college, that he should have little trouble with Mario now. After all, Gaither shut down Frostee Rucker last week! Prepare to die, Joe Flacco.
Finally. “When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?” “Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.”
A touchy-feely comment on Vince Young, reviled Baby-Eating Sister Fucker of Copenhagen Holler
Sep 10, 2008 2006 Draft, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, I'm not a doctor, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity
I saw Chris’s post over at Houston Diehards on the topic of the latest Vince Young drama, and felt compelled to type this. While I think Chris is buying the Titans’ talking points a bit too much, I do agree with him that we may have gone a little overboard with the Vince Young stuff.
What Vince Young seems to have done is pretty unprofessional. The charges being made against him are that he gave up on a team that has every reason to be frustrated with his production, that he stormed away and hid from the press and his fans, and that he ran off and alarmed his coach while toting a gun around with him in his car. But before we jump to conclusions, let’s take some things in to consideration.
Some people, including people close to Vince Young, have suggested that Vince’s problem is an “emotional” issue, meaning that it could be depression or some other psychological problem. If it is that, I would hope that we tread lightly on Vince’s condition, and err towards hoping the best for his psychological state. I’ve always kept the case of Barret Robbins (another link) - another Houstonian athlete - in mind. If this is the case, I hope he gets it treated properly, professionally, and promptly (see that? I dropped the alliteration bomb on ya).
Now if it’s just him being Vince McWhiny Pants, eff him in the ay.
As far as the “his head has gotten too big” meme, I don’t know if I buy that. I see the evidence for it, but I’m not sure if it’s proof of it - the distinction being that the former supports the argument whereas the latter confirms it’s truth. Of course it’s easy to get a big head in front of 100,000 people, and it’s probably a bit of a bummer when only days later tens of thousands of people are now booing you. I’m just not sure if this is enough of a reason for us to venture that Vince Young is a prima donna collapsing in the face of reality. Maybe there’s something bigger going on here.
Perhaps we’ll never know: is Vince another athlete secretly fighting depression, or is he another spread-offense quarterback that finds out just how hard the NFL is? I hope it’s the latter, simply because it will enable us in the Texans blogosphere (population 20?) to feel a lot better about what we do best: criticizing him and hating on the Titans. I think we all would prefer that Vince Young feel the pain of a Mario Williams sack instead of the pain of a psychological affliction.
</emo>
Random Thought
Aug 14, 2008 2008 Season, Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Random Thoughts with Matt, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity
With the exception of frequent commenter NewsToTom, Tennessee Titans fans are the most myopic, delusional, irrational demographic in sports. To hear them tell it, the Titans will win at least 25 games this year, Vince will throw for 5000 yards and run for 2000, and the defense might actually force teams into negative points.
Kids, meth kills.
John Clayton eschews reality-based analysis, decides Young is next great QB
Aug 12, 2008 Logo by Chris, Overrated, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Ranting, Rebuttals, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Weak-ass arguments
No, really. Time to fisk.
The Pittsburgh Steelers‘ personnel officials assembled on the practice field in Latrobe, Pa., Sunday to watch workouts for Byron Leftwich and Daunte Culpepper, two talented quarterbacks who went through the offseason looking for work instead of preparing for the season.
Replacing Chaz Batch with Leftwich or Culpepper? Was Kordell Stewart unavailable? How about Spergon Wynn? Could no one reach Shaun King?
They were amazed. “What are these guys doing on the street?” scouts muttered to themselves.
What were they doing on the street? Hanging out with other people who are not viable NFL QBs, I guess. Oh, and in Leftwich’s case, eating. A lot.
Both quarterbacks are in great shape. They are big and physical with powerful arms.
And all the mobility of a tectonic plate.
Both have been winners in this league.
Jacksonville was 24-20 in games started by Leftwich. His best record as a starter was 8-3 in 2005. Winner winner, give this man his chicken dinner.
Feeling as though they had hit the lottery for a quick fix while Charlie Batch heals from a broken collarbone, the Steelers signed Leftwich for the minimum salary.
Their version of the lottery sounds a lot like Shirley Jackson’s. Can I volunteer to throw the first rock?
The NFL chews up quarterbacks like patrons at a football game devour hot dogs. Alex Smith, the top pick in the 2005 draft, is struggling in San Francisco and could be beaten out by journeyman J.T. O’Sullivan. Matt Leinart is the starter in Arizona, but one stumble could bring Kurt Warner into a starting role again. Rex Grossman isn’t exactly wowing them in the great Chicago Bears quarterback debate.
Yes, it is the NFL’s fault the the QBs you just mentioned are shitty. That makes sense. All failed QBs fail not because of their own lack of talent, but, rather, from the evil NFL machine eating them like a hotdog.
With Peyton Manning sidelined with a knee infection and Tom Brady nursing an ankle injury, you wonder, “Where are the next great quarterbacks coming from?”
Hmm…let’s see. My guesses for places you could look for the next great QB would be: 1. Cincinnati 2. New York (Giants) 3. New Orleans 4. Denver 5. Dallas 6. Washington 7. Houston 8. Jacksonville 9. Cleveland and 10. Anywhere other than Nashville or Kansas City.
On a recent trip to Nashville, Tenn., to see Titans quarterback Vince Young, I saw hope for the present and the future.
Well fuck me runnin’.
Young might not be a fantasy football delight because he’s not a numbers guy, but in time, the numbers might come.
“he’s not a numbers guy” = “he fucking blows as a QB under any traditional metric you might care to use, save for ‘being ambiguously gay at da club,’ where he is among the league leaders.”
In the meantime, Young, under the instruction of offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger, is taking the next step in developing into an elite NFL quarterback.
Step 1: Run just enough as a rookie that people overlook your mediocre passing.
Step 2: Regress in your second year, cease to run, and ride a great defense to the playoffs.
Step 3: Throw your offensive coordinator under the bus.
Step 4: ???
Step 5: Profit?
Heimerdinger watched all of Young’s game tapes and developed a plan for taking his immense talents to the next level.
That plan was relayed to Vince using simple, crayon drawings:
While Young is still a work in progress, the Titans are fortunate to have a quarterback who can be a winner on the field while he learns.
Obligatory reminder: VY’s career record: 17-11 (0-1 playoffs). Rex Grossman, WHO CLAYTON JUST SAID SUCKED ABOUT FOUR PARAGRAPHS AGO: 19-11 (2-2 playoffs).
“Eventually, I think he’ll be pretty darn good,” Heimerdinger said. “This guy’s physical presence is amazing. He’s 6-4 or 6-5. I didn’t think I would see anybody bigger than Steve McNair and John Elway, two guys I worked with.”
So, there you have it. Vince will be good because he is tall. Other tall QBs who came in with a lot of hype: Todd Marinovich (6-4) and Ryan Leaf (6-5). (Also, Heimerdinger didn’t think he’d ever see someone bigger than McNair (6-2) or Elway (6-3)? Really? Chad Pennington, whom he worked with, was as big or bigger than both of those guys.)
Young has Michael Vick-type running ability, but his height gives him a downfield edge when he stays in the pocket to pass.
Which would matter if he ever stayed in the pocket to pass. And if he could read defenses.
In two seasons, he has gone through some interesting configurations. Coming out of Texas, he was a running quarterback who could throw.
And who could probably spell his name if you spotted him the “V-I-N-C.”
He went 8-5 as a rookie starter in 2006 and was billed as the NFL’s next star. He was on the cover of the Madden game. He threw for 12 touchdowns and ran for seven. He was the offensive rookie of the year and earned a trip to the Pro Bowl.
He also threw 13 INTs, which John leaves out because that would be the verbal equivalent of using teeth in this written blowjob.
Not only did he beat the Madden jinx by starting 15 games last season, Young, through his leadership, took the Titans on a surprise ride to the playoffs.
Yup. That’s exactly what happened. The playoffs had nothing to do with Tennessee having the best defense in the league. It was Young’s “leadership” that took them to playoffs. That leadership included standing away from all the other players, pouting like a little ho when he was not the starter in the game at Houston. But that kind of leadership is so powerful, it can overcome a 9 TD, 17 INT, year. That leadership is not fazed by a fall off in yards per attempt, yards per completion, or yards per carry. Amazing. He’s like General fucking Patton out there.
Despite that success, things were holding him back.
Based on what we’ve seen and heard from him, I’m betting those “things” were Norm Chow and the itchy, restrictive nature of shirts.
He played a good portion of the season with an agonizing quad injury that handcuffed him.
Little-known fact: An injured quad makes it so that you can’t see the opposing teams’ defensive backs, thus forcing you to throw into coverage a LOT.
Worse, he struggled in his second season, trying to be more of a pocket passer than a multidimensional quarterback.
Sooo…the “next great QB” struggled when trying to be a QB? Weird.
“My quad, man, it was bad,” Young said. “Every week you get it better, then you go out and play and hurt it again. The quad would get weak. I was taking those pills for the pain. I was running around trying to make plays when it’s not there. The quad is definitely back where it needs to be although I still have a little hole in there.”
Brett Favre thinks you are a total fucking pussy if you can’t plan through some pain while hopped up on Vicodin. Also, just fyi, the fact that the pain pills make it not hurt during the week does not mean it has gotten “better.” Further, if it was that bad, why the fuck didn’t you take a few weeks off and rest/rehab it, especially since the team did not miss a beat with Vodka Collins at the wheel. (Because, you know, that whole “we’re riding our defense” thing)
Heimerdinger returns to the Titans at the right time for Young. Having worked with McNair and Elway, Heimerdinger knows how to craft a plan for a talented quarterback.
OK, first of all, the next person to mention Heimerdinger and Elway in the same sentence gets smacked in the head. Mike Heimerdinger was the WIDE RECEIVERS COACH for the Broncos from 1995 to 1999. He had literally DICK to do with developing John Elway. Yet that is exactly what Clayton is insinuating.
Secondly, though, Heimerdinger also worked with Brooks Bollinger and Chad Pennington when they were in their developmental stages as QBs and neither of them became much of anything. (That’s called an “understatment.”) So, it looks like ‘Dinger does well when he has a talented QB (McNair) and not well at all when he doesn’t. Which makes him no different from anyone else, really. Besides, you can argue pretty convincingly that it is EASIER to devlop a talented QB, so McNair’s development under Heimer (which, incidentally, came after McNair had been starting in the league for three years, which is the point where many QBs make a large leap in terms of production) is not some merit badge for the OC.
FINALLY, all of this presupposes that Vince is a “talented” QB in the same manner that Elway and McNair were, which has yet to be proven.
Norm Chow, the Titans’ offensive coordinator the past two seasons, helped in Young’s early development but a different set of eyes was needed.
The first thing Heimerdinger did was work extensively on defense recognition.
Not a bad plan.
Young was lax in making pre-snap reads in his first two seasons.
Yes, yes he was. And Mike Vick was “lax” in taking proper care of his pets, Charlie Casserly was “lax” in properly evaluating free agents and trade proposals, and John Clayton is “lax” on supporting his arguments with anything resembling proof.
For Young, it was back to school and he had plenty of tutors.
The Titans signed veteran tight end and former Atlanta Falcon Alge Crumpler, who’s known as much for his recognition of defenses as he is for his pass-catching ability.
So, they had to bring in someone to yell out the correct answer to Vince? “R-o-C-k!” “Ohhhh, the ‘c’ is silent!” Sounds like the teaching of Vince was going really well.
Crumpler often bailed out Vick during Vick’s mad scrambles by putting his big body in a spot where the quarterback could see it.
I fail to see how Mike Vick being consistently bailed out by a TE will make Vince a better QB. I mean, when the guy is having to change his route on the fly and go get the ball from the QB, it doesn’t really sound to me like the QB is “developing” as a QB. For example, imagine I am horribly shitty at my job (real stretch, I know). Then, one day, my boss hires a co-worker who, for whatever reason, is an incredibly hardworker and he does all his work and all my work, but I still the get the praise and the bonuses. Have I “developed” as an employee? No. Of course not.
“I see the maturation of Vince,” Crumpler said. “I just want to make sure he doesn’t lose his confidence. Can he weather the storm of being the third pick in the draft and can I be one of those guys who help to get him there? Eli Manning took all the shots in his first few years and he weathered the storm. It’s a great story. I would hope the same thing can happen to Vince.”
And Ryan Leaf took all the shots but didn’t weather the storm. I would hope the same thing can happen to Vince.
Vick’s dogfighting trial and later imprisonment were the story in 2007, as much a part of the daily headlines as Brett Favre’s divorce from the Packers this offseason. That experience adds perspective to Crumpler’s move from Atlanta to Nashville to help Young.
Huh?
Vick’s demise and Crumpler’s season of noncommunication with Bobby Petrino were a personal hell for the Pro Bowl tight end and his Falcons teammates. Being with Young is heaven to Crumpler because he can help.
Ah, ok. Because Crumpler lost his starting QB to federal prison, that makes it much better for him in Nashville. Fine. Whatever. Glad he’s happy. Quick—name all the QBs who have gone from below average to great due to the signing of a veteran TE!
“Look at it, Vince threw nine touchdown passes and 18 interceptions last year,” Crumpler said.
Close, Alge. Though it’s funny that you just made his numbers even worse than they really were.
“He had the Pacman Jones distraction.
Everyone who thinks Vince struggled to throw the ball because Pacman was in trouble with the law and suspended by Herr Goodell, please raise your hand.
He had an injury.
Fair enough. Though, again, if it was so bad that he was hurting the team by playing, then he should have been benched or placed on IR. If it wasn’t bad enough to affect his play, then it shouldn’t be an excuse for his play. But, still, I’ll grant the injury as a viable thing that might have distracted a young QB.
Yet he wins 10 games and goes to the playoffs in the AFC South, a tough division.
Actually, he “won” 9 games, at least according to how such things are recorded. In reality, a much better argument can be made that the team won many of those games despite Vince’s play:
Week 1: 11-18, 78 yds, 1 INT, 1 rushing TD, 1 fumble. Team wins.
Week 5: 20-33, 157 yds, 3 INT. Team wins.
Week 8: 6-14, 42 yds, 1 fumble. Team wins.
Week 9: 14-23, 110 yds, 2 INT, 1 rushing TD. Team wins.
Week 16: 12-22, 166 yds, 1 INT, 3 fumbles. Team wins.
Week 17: 14-18, 157 yds. Team wins.
We have a quarterback. His game management just has to get a little bit better. He’s a difference-maker.”
He’s a difference-maker as a QB like ebola is a difference-maker as a weight-loss tool.
In his first practice this summer against non-Titans, Young completed 22 of 26 passes against the Rams last week in a scrimmage.
Two questions: 1. What were the other numbers, John? 2. You do realize that scrimmage (not even a preseason game!) is rather meaningless, right?
Despite the struggles with confidence and the quad injury last season, Young improved from a 51.5 to a 62.3 percent passer.
And his TD % went down, his INT % went up, and his number of passes over 20 yards went down. Besides, David Carr was a 68% passer in 2006 with a similar YPC and a better INT %. I don’t see anyone calling him the next great QB.
In his third season, he’s starting to figure out who he is as a quarterback.
Mediocre and overrated.
“I’m going to try to be rookie year Vince Young that everybody was talking about,” Young said. “I’m going to go out, win games and try to go further in the playoffs.”
Rookie Year Vince: 51.5% completion, 12 TDs/13 INTs, 12 fumbles, 146.6 passing YPG, 8-5 as a starter…way to set those goals high, Vincent.
His improvements are noticeable.
IN TRAINING CAMP. NOT IN A REAL GAME. PLEASE REMOVE YOUR PBS-LOGO-LOOKING HEAD FROM HIS CROTCH.
Thanks to his offseason of studying pre-snap reads, Young is comfortable behind center. Heimerdinger has worked him in drills to improve his footwork.
File this under “Things They Hope You Have A Basic Grasp On When You Enter The League.”
“Different drills improved my base on five- and seven-step drops,” Young said. “Now, I’m keeping my feet underneath me and I’m sliding up and moving in the pocket. I’m not just standing in one place and bouncing. Having my feet underneath me, I’m throwing more accurately. You watch Tom Brady. He brings his whole body with him when he moves in the pocket. Sometimes, I would use my arm more and not bring my whole body with me.”
You know who else was fundamentally flawed as a thrower when he entered the league? David Carr. All kidding aside, though, did you really just mention Tom Brady in a paragraph about your own development? That feels wrong on a number of levels.
Heimerdinger showed Young tape of how he would stand eight yards behind the line of scrimmage, bouncing with his feet and looking downfield.
“Bouncing with his feet,” huh, John? What the fuck else would he be bouncing on? That’s quality sportswriting. I suddenly have this feeling that you are going to work some ridiculous pun into this article.
If Young had to run, he was so far behind the line of scrimmage, it would be hard to make a gain.
Yet people talked about how he was a much better runner than a passer. Odd.
From reads to foot placement to depth in the pocket, Young is starting to turn old school. He’s getting better.
Translation: Now that he is learning some of the most basic tenets of quarterbacking at any level, Young is starting to at least resemble a real QB. (As for the “he’s getting better,” again, can we PLEASE wait until he does something in a real game before we start throwing this shit around?)
Thanks to Young’s development, remember the Titans when picking playoff contenders.
Welcome to Punsville, population: you. Admit it, you ugly fuck—you wrote this whole goddamned article so you could use that shitty quip, didn’t you?
Kickoff
Jul 11, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Bad Idea Jeans, Kickoff, Please let the season start soon, Self-Referential Stuff, Vinsanity
Better 40-time than Buzz Aldrin. My internet connection is slow at work [fucking county government -ed.], so I can’t get a good read at what is going on in this video. My guess is that NASA wants a bad motherfucker to go to Mars and they are recruiting DeMeco. It’s either that or something to do with Liberty White Liftoff. Dunno.
Banner? I barely even know ‘er! I mentioned it off-hand in my 100K post (go look for yourself if you don’t believe me), but thanks to Liston the Houston Banner offered to let me write a little Texans content. OK, technically, it was “sports content” in general, but I don’t write about basketball and I’m not an Astros fan, so it’s football time in Houston. Or something like that. Here is the Banner’s website, though they don’t have the July articles posted yet. If you want a hard copy (though I can’t imagine why you would), you can pick one up in and around Northwest H-town.
Finally. Another “Create Your Own Caption” photo:
(bfd edit: A gift from Eric to Lee. I was at this game!)
Kickoff
Jun 27, 2008 2002 Draft, Fuck, Horribly obvious jokes, Huh?, Inanity, Kickoff, Sandy Vag, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity, Zoolander's snazzy handwear
I suppose it’s better than learning from David Carr. In general, you probably shouldn’t try to teach things you don’t understand yourself. In that vein, I put Vince Young’s teaching of “proper QB technique” right up there with me teaching social grace and tact and BFD teaching about sex after 35. (H/T Eric)
Wow. Speaking of Zoolander, I lack the words to adequately describe the shirt/hat combo he’s wearing in this picture. I think I’ll go with “unfortunate, ridiculous, and gay as shit,” but I know that doesn’t quite get there.
Oh, fuck this. Finally, let’s just stick keep kicking Zoolander while he’s down because it’s Friday and this shit is fun. Is that a velour hat? And, um, that t-shirt is only funny if you get the pun, which would also make it sort of…well…inappropriate in this given situation. Good lord, every single day I am more glad that Sandy is gone.
Stop the presses!
May 30, 2008 Babyeating-Sisterfuckers, Huh?, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity
Remember back when I remarked on reports that Captain Overrated once thought about quitting football?
Well, according to VY, I am full of shit. Or, perhaps more accurately, the NFL.com report that I quote was full of shit. You see, he never thought about quitting, per se.
“I was never going to quit football,” Young said Thursday[.] “Football, that is my pride and joy, it is my dream. I am playing my dream. And I don’t plan on giving that up any time soon.”
A recent nfl.com report suggesting he considered retirement after one season was “blown out of proportion,” Young said. Heading toward his third pro season, he said he’s in a “much different place” mentally than he was at this time last year.
“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I ain’t never said I was going to quit football,” Young said. “There was a lot of stuff going on in my life, but football is not hard to me. Football is easy. All you have to do is be coachable and use your God-given talent. If it was a thought at all it was just a passing thought for a second.”
Um…riiiiight. Why in the world would this QUOTE make us think you were talking about quitting football:
“I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.
So you “thought long and hard about it” but only “for a second?” I would point out the inconsistency, but given your history with things that involve thinking, I think you might actually be telling the truth right there.
Long story short, I don’t particularly care whether Vince thought about quitting or not. I find it hilarious, however, that he’s coming off as such a whiny headcase. I also love that “football is not hard to [him; f]ootball is easy.” Though, really, I suppose that it is fairly easy to be one of the worst players statistically at your position. Hell, if that’s the benchmark, then football is easy for Petey Faggins, too. And it was hellafied gangsta easy for Todd Marinovich.
(h/t to Old Eric for the link)
A post wherein Titans fans send emails and comments about how great Vince is and how I am a jealous dumbass.
May 27, 2008 2006 Draft, Overexposure, Overrated, Vince Young can't read this post, Vinsanity
Boo fucking hoo.
Apparently, Vince Young is a huge pussy was so bummed about life in the NFL that he nearly quit after his first season.
I really thought long and hard about it,” Young said on Thursday after practice. “There was so much going on with my family. It was crazy being an NFL quarterback. It wasn’t fun anymore. All of the fun was out of it. All of the excitement was gone. All I was doing was worrying about things.
So what brought him out of this funk you ask? His teammates. And God.
My teammates helped lift me out of it. I prayed really hard. And I began to focus on God’s calling for me. Play football. Be a role model.
Hey, far be it from me to say whether God exists or opine on whether he really gives a shit about athletes qua athletes, BUT I am reasonably sure that anyone whom God chose to be a QB would post a TD-INT ratio of better than 9-17. I mean, Kurt Warner was sacking groceries and God told him to be a QB and he put up 41 TDs and 13 picks. Jon Kitna loves him some Jesus and even he can post a near 1:1 TD:INT ratio. Yessir, God’s QBs tend to put up respectable (or better) QB numbers.
Long story short, Vince, I think you might have misheard God. Maybe he said your were supposed to be a cornerback. Those sound pretty similar when you are hammered on Patron.
Little Dickie Justice, age 12, still doesn’t get it
Apr 10, 2008 2006 Draft, Anger, Broken Record, Dancing With the 'Tards, Houston Chronicle, Little Dickie Justice, Reggie Bush, Richard Justice is a talentless hack., Vinsanity, age 12
Promoted from our boards, the awesomest thing ever on the internetz. Evar.
According to kozanack, who gets today’s award for raising my blood pressure, Little Dickie Justice was on the radio yesterday and…well, I’ll let koz tell his own story:
I was driving along today, channel surfing on my car radio, and sort of half way paying attention to the blather. Suddenly I realized the host (Justice) was trashing the Texans because they had the opportunity to increase the level of interest in pro football with the casual fan here in Houston, but screwed the pooch. He followed that by saying that Drayton and Les Alexander had confided in him that the Texans would be on top of the sports world here in Houston in only they had taken Vince or even Reggie instead of Mario. Then he went on to say one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard.
He said that even though last year Mario clearly outperformed both Reggie and Vince, Vince was the right pick at the time, and the Texans blew it. He went on to say that even if Mario turns out to the best decision in the long term, Vince was the right choice at the time, so the Texans blew it. Basically, even if Vince bombs, anyone other than Vince was the wrong choice, especially Mario.
I think the first thing we should all be is thankful that Justice does not have any actual influence on our football decision-makers.
Matt and I have lamented before on Little Dickie Justice’s obvious homo-erotic man-crush on VY, not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with that. Just because I think Maria Sharpova is gorgeous does not de facto mean that she’s the best tennis player in the world. But that seems to be about 51% of Justice’s argument (Maria, call me!).
The other 49% seems to be, and this is more speculation than anything, that because Vince is a hometown hero, he would be better from a marketing standpoint. Now, of course, this completely discredits whatever Reggie Bush argument he might have, but I’m trying to pry open a walnut-sized mind here, so give me a break.
Back to Vince. Drafting Vince would’ve been, specifically, a marketing ploy. This means that this second half of Justice’s argument is that marketing is much more important than winning. Now, I could go back and do a regression analysis of the relation between winning and attendance, but as fans, we don’t need that analysis. We already know better: winning teams put fannies in seats. Period.
Could you imagine an offense with 2 INT to 1 TD Young? Heck, let’s say we drafted both Young and Bush and his awesome 3.7 YPC and complete inability to run between the tackles (a kinda necessity in a zone blocking scheme, donchaknow). What would you guess for a record? 3-13? 2-14? Again, be thankful Justice isn’t in charge of these decisions.
What bothers me most, I think, is that it exposes Houston’s traditional print media as a bunch of moronic crybabies who are still pouting three years later that they didn’t get their way. As I’ve said before: if I was wrong every day of my life and didn’t understand the basic concepts of my job, I would lose my job instantly.
Little Dickie: you were wrong then, you are wrong now. There’s no way you can rationalize this one to your advantage, and every time you open your mouth, you embarrass yourself. Mario > VY + Bush. The end.
And I just had to get the following on our front page, courtesy and permission of DiehardChris:
Well done, Chris. Well done.
Battle of the seven-button suitcoats
Jan 21, 2008 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Bad Idea Jeans, Fake Conversations with Real People, Huh?, I'm not even sure this one is funny, Inanity, Overrated, Super Bowl 2008, Teams that aren't the Texans, Thannon Tharpe, Vinsanity
Bathroom at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport, 10:45pm
Shannon Sharpe: Man…I really gotta take a thit. Thtupid airplane food.
(2 minutes later)
Sharpe: (singing to himself) Thwing loooowwww, thweet chariot, comin’ for to thumthin thumthin hoooome…
(Merril Hoge enters the next stall)
Hoge: Damn, son…that’s some FINE singin’. I love me an old-fashioned black spiritual. Makes me feel like I am back home in Idaho. Not that we had blacks…hey, who’s in there, anyway?
Sharpe: Thumone tryin’ to thit, dammit. Thut up and give a brotha thum peathe.
Hoge: Hooooo, boy! Listen to that lisp! You sound frutier than bag of Starburst, son! Wait…is that you, Vince?!? I always knew you’d sound gay!!! I’d ask you to toss me some toilet paper, but you couldn’t get it over here even if you wanted to. Isn’t that right, Mr. Overrated?
Sharpe: Motherfucker, ith me–Thannon Tharpe! Who the hell are you?
Hoge: It’s Merril. You know, ESPN Analyst Merril Hoge. Good lord, I never realized how gay you sound. If you’d have been tapping your foot there in the stall while you were singing, I’da thought you were hitting on me.
Sharpe: Whatever, man. Jethuth taught me to turn the other cheek and not hate juth becauth thumone ith diffent. (pauses, grunts, continues) Hey, thpeaking of hate, why the hell are you alwayth ripping on Vinthe? You jus make yourthelf thound ignurrant, cuz it thows you don unnerthand what he really bringth to hith team.
Hoge: What he brings to his team? You mean like twice as many INTs as TDs? (farts, laughs)
Sharpe: Thee! Thath what I am talk about! You mith the point–that he bringth intangimableth that thtupid thtatithticth can’t meathure!
Hoge: Please! That’s what everyone says, what’s that even mean? If the only thing he does well is stuff that can’t be measured, then how much stock can you put in the “intangibles?”
Sharpe: But he winth gameth!
Hoge: No, the Titans’ DEFENSE wins games. Their offensive line that turns shitheads like LenDale White into viable options wins games. Vince is just along for the ride and, if he manages not to screw shit up, gets all the credit for the win! How does that make any sense? But no matter how much I scream about it, people listen to you lisp about how great he is!
Sharpe: You are thuch an ignurrant hick. Taking all thothe hitth to the head mutht’ve methed you up. You thimply don’t know what you are talking about, becauth he ith that great. I mean, tho what if he can’t throw thirty yardth with accurathy? He ith deadly effithient on thothe eight yard dump offth. He creath playth with hith legth. He fortheth defentheth to adjutht. He hath a chanthe to be one of the betht dual-threat quarterbackth in hithtory. I’ve gotta be honetht, Merril–it really thoundth like thour grapeth, man. All you’ve done thince he wath drafted wath talk about how awful he ith.
Hoge: Maybe I am just sick of people making him into Jesus in Cleats! Maybe I fail to see what he does that is worth a first round pick, let alone a high first round pick. Or…maybe…
Sharpe: What ith it?
Hoge: Maybe I miss the old days, Shannon. The days when I could still play and quarterbacks were not supposed to run. That’s what the running backs were for. I miss the days when Neil O’Donnell was a god among men.
Sharpe: Neil O’Donnell wath never a god, Merril! Thath juth thtupid.
Hoge: You didn’t know Neil like I knew him, Shannon! No one did! See…NOW who is being the negative prick?!
(voice from the third stall)
Emmit Smith: Guys, guys, guys…let me be the void of return. All this negativosity is impending you from researching a mortgageable contraceptive.
Shannon: Oh, Jethuth Chritht.
Super
Jan 7, 2008 2006 Draft, Awards, Awesomeness, Pro Bowl 2008, Reggie Bush, Super Mario, Vinsanity
So, I’ve been a little lax in my posting of Texans news. Apologies and whatnot.
Lest I be seen as a total slacker, however, allow me to point out that not only was Mario Williams named Defensive Lineman of the Year (up yours, Haynesworth), he also received a vote for Defensive Player of the Year and will likely receive the same number of Offensive Player of the Year votes as Reggie Bush and Vince Young combined.
I wish I knew how to quit you, Vince
Jan 7, 2008 2006 Draft, Bad Idea Jeans, Black Salaami, Fake Conversations with Real People, Jeff Fisher's Mustache, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity, Vomitopia
LenDale White: C’mere baby and let the Whale hold you. Mmm…you smell so nice, so musky.
Vince Young: Not here, man. Chill. Wait ’til we get off the field at least.
White: Don’t play. I feel you rubbing your junk against mine.
Young: Yeah, well you are grabbing my ass. Fag. (giggles)
White: You know you like it, baby. (squeezes ass)
Young: C’mon, let’s get out of here. I haven’t been this turned on since I saw Brady Quinn showering at the Combine.
“You know, Brian, for two Irishmen, we sure married up.”
Jan 5, 2008 2007 Season, Awesomeness, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity, Winner winner chicken dinner
*Alt-title: “That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special–when you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.”
At the risk of sounding really lame, every now and then, I realize just how awesome my wife is. I’ve mentioned before that, when pregnant, she snores like a bulldog on quaaludes, right? Well, aside from occasionally teasing her about this, I never say much about it. I definitely don’t complain, as pregnant hormones have been known to trigger homicidal rages. Today, however, with no prompting from me, she came home with BreatheRight nasal strips and is currently wearing one (and snoring noticeably less) as I type this. I have no idea what I did to deserve someone that thoughtful, so I am just going to chalk it up to sexual prowess.
And, with that, we now return to your regularly scheduled general stupidity, already in progress.
Last Week: 10-6
Regular Season Record: 156-91
Playoffs Week 1 Picks:
Washington @ Seattle. The whole “let’s win this for Sean” angle is the stuff Disney movies are made of (if Disney movies included home invasions, machetes, and black people). I am trying to think of some way that they roll into Seattle and win up there. Short of going Kimo Van Oelhoffen on Matt Hasselbeck, I just don’t see it. So, I guess Washington is just going to have to settle for pouring out a little Starbucks for their fallen homie. Also, apropos of nothing, Shawn Alexander is a huge pussy. Pick: Seattle
Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh. I love that Willie Parker’s nickname is “Fast Willie.” In a world of professional athletes, how fast do you have to be to get that nickname? I like to think that he is to “fast” what Sam Adams is to “fat.” Or what Tony Romo is to “homosexual.” Of course, right now, calling him “fast” is like when they call fat guys “slim.” Or call Tony Romo “straight.” I think you see where I’m going with this. Pick: Jacksonville
New York Giants @ Tampa Bay. My friend Ren–a Giants fan–used to have this dream where Brandon Jacobs and Ron Dayne would be in the same backfield along with Jared Lorenzen. “The 800 lb. backfield” as he called it wouldn’t really serve a purpose, but was enough of a novelty to be worth wishing for. Didn’t happen. Then, more recently, he had this dream that the Giants would be god awful all year and he would finally be rid of Tom Coughlin. Didn’t happen. Currently, I am guessing that he would like to see the G-men blown out by 500 points in a last-ditch effort to get Coughlin fired. With his recent luck wishing for things, I wouldn’t bet on it. Pick: New York Giants
Tennessee @ San Diego. Good news, Titan fans! Vince might not play! Which means you actually have a chance to win this game! Exclamation points rule! Seriously, though…let’s not rush Vince back. I want him completely healthy for both Texans games next season. (Yes, I am bitter about them being in the playoffs.) Pick: San Diego
Your “Vince Young, Intangibly Great QB” moment of hilarity
Nov 25, 2007 2006 Draft, Inanity, Intangibly Great, Stats, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity
19/32, 246 Passing Yards, 0 TD, 1 Fumble Lost(, Edit: 1 INT); 2 rushes for 6 yards
(In case you were wondering, Mario Williams had 4 tackles, a sack (his third in the last four games), and a forced fumble.)
Your dreams were your ticket out
Nov 24, 2007 2007 Season, Inanity, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Secondary issues are primary, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity
Last week: 13-3 (boo yah.)
Season: 99-60
Week 12 Picks
Oakland @ Kansas City. Thanks for playing, Priest Holmes. It was nice of you to show up and make me look smart for picking you up in my fantasy league. Bummer about that neck thing. Maybe you could have it amputated or something; I’m not really a doctor, though, so I don’t know. Pick: Kansas City
New Orleans @ Carolina. I enjoyed the fact that four different people emailed me about the “Carr losing his job” thing. Even better were the subject lines, like “Ha! Carr eats balls!” and “Zoolander benched, possibly in tears.” A+, peoples. Pick: Carolina
JUGGERNAUT@ Cleveland. This game is giving me heartburn. I love the fact that we should be able to throw all over them. I hate the fact that they will be able to throw all over us. I love that Andre Johnson makes such a difference in our team. I hate that Derek Anderson is an untouchable ninja. Etc. Pick: Houston
Seattle @ St. Louis. The NFC West is one of the best examples I’ve seen for not overturning Roe v. Wade. Pick: Seattle
Washington @ Tampa Bay. If there is on group of fans who can understand what Texans fans have dealt with on the injury front this season, it’s Redskins fans. Other than that, I can think of nothing even remotely entertaining to say about this game. Pick: Washington
Tennessee @ Cincinnati. If you won $100,000,000, what three things would you definitely do? I would buy a hippopotamus, fund a coup in a third-world country, and buy the Tennessee Titans so I could run them into the ground. Thankfully, I would already have the perfect QB to accomplish this diabolical plan. BWAHAHAHAHA! Pick: Tennessee
Buffalo @ Jacksonville. I have stuck with the Bills for much of the last couple months, so I see no reason to stop now that a win would actually HELP the Texans. Pick: Buffalo
Minnesota @ New York Giants. Some games are so damned obvious, it takes the fun out of this. There is NO way Minny stops Plaxico and Shockey. None. Can’t happen. Pick: New York Giants
San Francisco @ Arizona. No, seriously, FUCK the NFC West. It’s like watching a midget sodomize a corpse, only without being funny. Pick: Arizona
Denver @ Chicago. Is it possible for an entire team to be schizophrenic? Because this Denver team has at least three different personalities, only one of which is good. Pick: Denver
Baltimore @ San Diego. That Verizon Wireless commercial where people are dancing like they are having seizures and the song keeps saying “watch me move like my Juke” makes me want to punch someone in the face. Sad part is, it’s not even in my top 5 current most hated commercials; it’s just the most annoying one that played as I was thinking of something to write about this game. Pick: San Diego
Philadelphia @ New England. I’m bored. Pick: New England
Miami @ Pittsburgh. The Steelers fell asleep during the Jets game last week and let one slip away. Luckily for them, they could actually play this entire game in their sleep and still win by 14. Pick: Pittsburgh
Your "Vince Young, Intangibly Great QB" moment of hilarity
Nov 13, 2007 2007 Season, Inanity, Intangibly Great, Stats, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity
2007 Season (8 Games)
1112 Yards Passing (Single-game high of 257 yards…on 41 attempts), 4 TD, 10 INT
217 Yards Rushing (Single-game high of 53 yards), 2 TD, 5 Fumbles
Don’t know much about history
Oct 23, 2007 2007 Season, TMQ still sucks, Vinsanity
Two final thoughts on how a game ain’t over until it’s over (and I promise a recap/rant/plea for merciful death is coming soon).
1. You would think that, of anyone, Houston football fans would know the dangers of assuming victory or defeat. I mean, January 3, 1993 did actually happen, right?1 I didn’t just make that up in my over-active imagination, did I?
2. I stopped reading Gregg Easterbrook after my last rant, but someone pointed me in the direction of this nugget:
As the hundreds and hundreds still inside the stadium celebrated the 36-35 lead, TMQ thought, “This game isn’t over.” Tennessee had 57 seconds and all three timeouts; the Flaming Thumbtacks needed only a field goal. Because the crowd had left, there was no deafening noise as the visitors staged their final drive: Imagine if 71,054 lunatics had been screaming and pounding their feet instead.
He’s still an elitist ass goblin, and he ignores the number of seats that were either empty from the outset or filled with Titans fans, but at least we can agree on the underlying premise.
1 My apologies for posting that link. It just really drives home the point, you know. Strangely, however, the lack of crowd did not jinx Buffalo late in the game. I chalk that up to God enjoying watching them fail in Super Bowls.
The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.
Oct 19, 2007 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Andre Johnson, Gary Kubiak might be high, Injury bug, Vinsanity
Stephanie offers up a great column on the likelihood of Vince Young playing in Sunday’s game. I am a sucker for solid medical research and logical arguments–two things certain writers don’t even come close to offering–and I think Steph is on to something here.
Given Young’s annoyance in talking about his injury, I am guessing it is not likely he is going to play because he sounds like a guy who is grumpy about not playing. Don’t take my word for it, this doctor guy says that re-injury to the quad is a real possibility. Also the less time the injury has to heal, the more likely that re-injury could occur, or perhaps a worse injury. Even a basic look-see on the internet has tons of stories of these sorts of quad injuries gone bad. Like this one:
Resting may be the common sense approach, but it is one that is often ignored by competitive athletes. This is unwise, since it does not take much to turn a grade one Thigh strain into a grade two, or a grade two Thigh strain into a grade three.Why? Because athletes feel like they can function with this sort of quad strain unless they try to do something like kicking or sprinting. I’m guessing a double-threat quarterback with a chronically bad wheel would not be something that Fisher would want to cause by starting Young. A grade three thigh strain is one that requires surgery.
If he does play and, as Steph suggests, manages to further injure the quad, we in attendance might actually get to bear witness to a Madden Curse injury firsthand. That would be kinda cool.
On the other hand, I’ve said before and I’ll say again that I don’t care one iota whether Vince plays. I don’t buy into the “hope he plays so we see if we can beat him” spiel. If we were 6-0, maybe I would be pulling for him to play; at 3-3, the only thing that matters is the scoreboard. So, if he plays and I get to see him get hurt alongside a win, it’s all good. If he doesn’t play and we win, it’s still all good. If we lose, the name on the back of the Titans QB’s jersey should be meaningless to any sane Texans fan.
When you look at it that way, something else becomes painfully obvious. Namely, that this is the most important game in the franchise’s history. For the sake of clarification, let’s remember that the Colts game from earlier this season was our biggest (though not most important) game to date and that the inaugural game victory over the ladies from up north remains our biggest (and possibly most important) win. Prior to this Sunday, our most important game was (arguably) the week 17 game against Cleveland in 2004. Glad we cleared that up. Moving on.
Anyway, October 21 is the most important game we’ve ever had for a number of reasons, the overwhelming majority of which have nothing to do with the 2006 draft. First, there is the simple fact that, despite starting 2-0 for the first time ever and having our first winning record after five games ever, we are currently on the doorstep of falling below .500 on the year. Now, following that 2-0 start, people started actually believing in the idea of our first winning record. While it’s certainly true that people might have been expecting too much, too soon (like the people who were suddenly talking about 10 or 11 wins), some of those expectations were justified. After all, this is Texans v.2.0. The old Texans were the ones who went on 1-4 slides; the new bunch are supposed to be better than that. Right?
Second, but somewhat related to the first, is the finality of a loss this week. Fact of the matter is, lose and we can completely forget about the playoffs. We’ll be dead last in the best division in football, 1.5 games behind third place, and without a single divisional win. Were the playoffs ever a realistic goal for this season? That part is debatable. What is not debatable, though, is that at least the idea of the playoffs was something that fans could suddenly buy into. Losing that possibility this early in the year was not supposed to be part of the new Texans reality.
Third, a loss on anything other than a last second miracle or a fluke play is going to cause people–myself included–to question Gary Kubiak’s coaching. The first two weeks of the season, when our defense looked stifling and our offense was running roughshod over the Chiefs and Panthers, Kubiak looked like a genius. Hell, even in week 3, when we managed to keep the game against the Colts close all the way to the end, despite the lack of Andre Johnson, Kubiak looked like he was more or less in control. Since then? Yikes. We have had absolutely no red zone offense, yet Owen Daniels doesn’t have a TD catch because all of our red zone plays seem to be ill-advised fades and/or runs right into the back of our o-line. Speaking of, we’ve had nothing that would resemble an NFL running game. Some of that can be chalked up to injury, but a bigger chunk can be placed on the steadfast reliance upon Sam Gado and Jameel Cook. Oh, and while we are on the subject of injuries, the fact that Andre Johnson is still not back in the starting lineup is at least partly Kubiak’s fault for not taking him out.
In short, one could argue, Kubiak has been flat out-coached for the past three games, as evinced by his shoddy clock management, his inattention to details like being cheated out of 14 seconds, his horribly predictable play-calling (raise your hand if you’ve more or less known what we were going to do inside the 20 every single time), and even his complete surprise and the surprise of his team at the idea that an opponent might kick onside in the second quarter. Up to this point, though, the complaints about all of these things have been nothing more than whispers from the media and from blogodelphia. A loss on Sunday stemming from running right into their strengths and not scoring in the red zone will make those whispers much, much louder.
Finally, and despite my assertion that the only thing that matters is winning, this game has importance to many people because of Vince Young. To that not-small-in-size group of fans and detractors alike, beating Vince (and beating him handily) is the only thing that will ever exorcise those demons. Losing to him for a third straight time, on the other hand, will make the backlash from his OT run last year look like a spirited bridge club conversation.
Clearly, Vince alone does not make this the most important game in team history? But Vince’s presence–if he plays–definitely adds to the emotional pain that would accompany a loss. If this were any other team coming into Reliant, those first three points above would still be valid and it would still be arguably the most important game in team history. When you throw Young on top of that, though, the longterm mental well-being of a majority of the fanbase makes winning that much more important.
Captain Obvious
Oct 18, 2007 2007 Season, Houston Chronicle, Inanity, Injury bug, Vinsanity
Good news, Texans fans! The ever-insightful Jerome Solomon offers up this fantastic nugget of insight: Only time will tell if Titans’ Young can play.
How very astute, Jerome.
Of course, that is kind of what “day-to-day” means, but your fourteen paragraphs of VY-fellating wisdom explain that concept much better than any silly three word designation ever could. I mean, does “day-to-day” really tell us that “Young is unlikely to practice this week, but Titans coach Jeff Fisher said that wouldn’t prevent the second-year player from taking the field?” Maybe. Well actually, yes, but not nearly in such an eloquent manner.
You are 100% correct, Jerome; time will tell if Young can play. Just like it will tell if the sun will come up tomorrow, if the US dollar can rebound against the British pound, and pretty much anything else that isn’t happening right this second. Heck, time will even tell if you will ever write something that doesn’t make most Texans fans want to throw you down a flight of stairs.
Thank you so very, very much for opening our collective eyes to this fact. Time will tell if anyone will ever be able write something so utterly groundbreaking as your column.
